 So we know that there are boxes when it comes to sexuality. Things like top, bottom, submissive, dominant. Twinks, bears, gem bodies. Femininity and masculinity. If you're queer, you're familiar. And I know what the rest of you are thinking. No one's whole identity can be summed up in one word unless that word is swifty. Well, there are many cool subcultures and sub-identities within the LGBTQ community, but it gets less cool when people start assigning identities to you. Like you're expected to check a certain box because like, what if I don't want to check that box? And how do you build relationships in a world that thinks it already has you figured out? When you feel like you are being boxed into one big way of being, and that doesn't really feel like it aligns really with who you are, it causes anxiety and depression and self-doubt and lack of confidence to sneak in. It also leads to trans and non-binary folks not really feeling like their full self can be seen. So putting gay men in boxes sometimes could be negative because you don't give the guy the freedom to be himself. If you say a guy is a twink, so that comes along with he's supposed to be more submissive. What if he wants to be aggressive and be a top? But you didn't take the time to get to know exactly who he is and the nuances of his personality. Okay, let's back up here. When we're talking about boxes, we're talking about those subcultures, archetypes, stereotypes or expectations that many do identify with, but others often just have placed on them. And this idea isn't new or exclusive to LGBTQ folks. It's how our caveman brains knew not to get eaten by tigers. But in a study of black, white and Latine queer people, specifically cis queer men and women, they were presented with these labels and asked to literally check the boxes of the ones they identified with. And yes, if you're wondering, trans people were specifically excluded. You better! This was how the men identified and this was how the women identified. But did you notice something? The most popular identity was none of these, meaning most of them didn't identify with the boxes at all, which kind of shows how limited their usefulness can be. Not to say they can't be useful at all. Here's the thing about labels. They are only useful to us when we apply them to ourselves. There's nothing wrong with using some of these labels or boxes as we're calling them as something that helps you feel more connected to yourself. The issue and the barrier comes in when we let these labels box us in. So how do we even navigate this world full of boxes and labels? It's just learning more about you because you will think that you have to conform or be a certain way because other people are or they don't accept you. So you conform. That's what we typically do when we don't know ourselves and navigating these spaces can be tricky when you're doing that. I literally want you to take a piece of paper and a note and write down what are your core values? How do you want the world to see you? When you go on a date, how do you want the guy to see you? Okay, but what would you tell someone who's in a relationship where they already feel like boxed in to an identity that isn't theirs? I would first ask them, what parts of you are feeling like you need this? Do you feel like you're deserving of this? Folks who experience marginalization often feel like they deserve less sexual and romantic fulfillment and satisfaction and the less sexual and romantic fulfillment and satisfaction is available for them. They have to settle for somebody simply because, oh, well, this person likes me and that's the best that I can get. And I'm just gonna call bulls*** on that one. Well, damn. Ray and Coach D, y'all didn't have to call me out like that. So we have these preferences, long list of preferences. But if you find yourself still single, try dating someone that you typically would not date. Coach D, Lamont, Ray, how do you relationship? Well, I relationship by creating a healthy relationship with myself, by getting to know myself. The more love you feel for yourself, the more grace and compassion and all that good stuff joy that you feel for yourself, then you're able to put that in the world. When you look at people who are in very long-term relationships, what they do well is they communicate their issues, their desires as they evolve because they will change at time. The second thing is commitment. They have agreed that I'm not going anywhere. You get to design and create the life, the community, and the relationships that you want and you get to decide what you're willing to accept it and what you're not and that can be an incredibly beautiful thing.