 Hello, it's me Neil Brennan. It's the blocks podcast. I'm in a different studio. I'm in Austin, Texas at the comedy frequency Podcast studio not bad and my guest today is a is a Austin Texas legend He's got a new Netflix special That I'm blanking on the name of live from the mother ship live from the mother ship good Dude met him at the store probably five years ago, and he had good jokes from the time I saw him and His name is Brian Simpson. Thank you. Yeah Good to see buddy like wise man. You the first time you remember, you know, you gave me some shoes That were too big for me. They were too big for you, but I paid they paid my rent I gave you and Jamar shoes, right? I was a Jordans. They were but I wasn't with nobody else Were they red Jordans? No, I gave Jamar some red. Oh, yeah I read Jordans that he sold I think for 750 750. What'd you get? No, I got 450. That's not bad. Yeah, cuz I'm not a hypey's at all I've never I've never owned a pair of Jordans before I shot my special. That's smart That's what I like about this what I like about Simpson is you have your working class. You're not silly You Tell me about your background. No, that's not I don't even know it. All right All right, just disabuse me. I was born in in Washington, DC and When I was like seven When in the foster care, how'd you go in its foster care? So the parent your parents Couldn't do it. My dad already wasn't around my 18 year old mother Lived with her mother. Mm-hmm She already had me and my older brother. So she had her first kid at 16 me at 18 loved it so much was like, I gotta give I gotta do another one Something I know no no because I think she really she really thought my father was gonna was So that's that both of you guys were from the same guy. No, no, no, no, no My brother my older brother was from a different guy who was just a shithead high school boyfriend Yeah, but my dad was like a real dude. It was like my mother was like, oh, we can build together like we Right if we stick together, but you know my dad ended up cheating on her and Anyway, my grandma my mother my mother's mother. She she always dated all these abusive men You know, and they would never abuse the kids and it's funny how that kind of works that way sometimes But they would never be the kids but they would always she would always beat the fuck out of my he would always beat the fuck Out of my grandma and my mother had already fucking hurt two of the dudes The last dude defending her mother, right? Who would then turn on her? Well, that's funny because when you say they don't hit the kids a lot of times they do hit the kids Sometimes they do but but that's what so was so funny is my grandma was a crazy bitch and touching one of the kids What that's what that would have set her off, right? They could beat the fuck out of her and she would cry wipe her face off and make them a sandwich But if they went in one of her children, she would literally like poor hotline on their face Like she's lost her shit before. Yeah, you know what I mean? I've seen her for they probably sense that. Oh, yeah Yeah, straight mama bear type shit, but yeah My mother the last dude my mother burned the guy with an iron it was this whole thing and then burn One of your grandmother's men right with an iron. Yeah, and then the guy your mom's 817 18 No, I mean I think I think at this point at that point I think she was 16 so she didn't hadn't had me yet But she was over it and then she found out that my grandma went was back with the guy She came over the guy was in the house and she was like, I'm not doing this shit no more and she left and When she see what every time I go through this whole spiel Yeah, I skip over a lot of the parts because it's just faster to say she left But for real she took us with her but couldn't hack it You know, she was teenager, you know what I mean? Yeah Had her have her own place and two kids and so she two kids under three, right? So she took she took us back left us there and And Then one of our hate mask neighbors called the cops and said we was home alone And then back then they used to have this propaganda shit and this was like the Nancy Reagan dare days So cops was all in the schools. I don't know why they don't do that shit no more Do or do they not but the cops used to come to the schools To the school to be like friendly because like but I think they probably still do that I don't think so. I don't think the kids have no respect for cops at all Now, I don't think I don't think it would help. No, no, but but what I mean is no now the community outreach Now they they have no no because I guess cops are in the school Yeah, now they have cops in the schools to two police. You're born in what 83 82 82 But now the cops are in the schools as police Like but two police the kids right right but back And just like because and this was the thing every single one of them said I'm officer friendly Yeah, they all said their name was officer friendly and they were just there so that you Felt comfortable around police. So there was they weren't there looking for crimes. They were there just being like yeah If you need to snitch no, no, you can come to me like that was like, oh, I'm gonna be helpful I'm gonna help you up. I got you with your book. You know, don't don't be a bully. It was all it was So anyway, the nosy as they were called the cops and say we home alone Which every every black kid in the hood was home alone if you had a single working parent Yeah, but in my dumb ass answer the door because every black child is also told don't answer the fucking door But he was like it's officer friendly You know, I'm like Fuck with this guy, right? That's also friendly. I know and it wasn't officer friendly. Not the one I knew was he in uniform Yeah, he was in uniform, but there was a cop at my school that we call officer friendly I didn't know back then all of them just said their name. Yeah But whatever so they took us and even then we had that we down at the jail full Well, they took you in they took us down to the jail for for what what were the charges? No, they didn't charge us with nothing All right, they just holding us down if and they wanted my grandmother to come get us or whatever But it's like everyone knows the situation like technically it's illegal to leave your kids home alone Right, it's like but ain't no cop. You know what I mean? Like everyone's kind of doing some form of this, right? Let's go where you guys super young. I couldn't have been older than so you're 75 Yeah, so but even then my grandma she walks in that fucking police station Like she owned that motherfucker. I mean screen like they threaten to lock her up You know, I mean, like man, if you don't calm down we like I've never seen anybody with a like we don't want to arrest you Like please you as a kid Don't you doesn't that read as? care if Your grandma I was it's like those dads who try to lunge at the child molester in court Or the murder in court if I'm if that's my dad I'm like I'm proud of him or I would feel cared for her or that's what I think I would feel I don't know what I felt back then Maybe embarrassed that a jerk confused or something like was she a cop? Is she more important the cops? I don't know but but but also like I have rate. I have way more respect for the dad that plans it and Fucking like the guy that blew that guy's head off when they was walking them through the airport Yeah, I have that guy then the guy that just like loses emotional control in the moment Yes, I can say why the guy who loses control is better Because if let's say it's a molestation If he just loses control in the courtroom and lunges at the at the Perpetrator, he's gonna get away with it It's understandable if he plans it and kills him He's going to jail the dad's going to jail forever leaving the son and daughter Alive and what kind of without a father now if the kids dead though Respect right to the to the father. Yeah, cuz that's one of them places where you can't really get true revenge You can't be like I'm gonna wait till you go to prison and then I'm a molest your son, you know, yeah But whatever so anyway, we we I don't know if I don't know what how I looked at her in the moment I guess you know what it is. I don't know. I guess I just looked at the at those cops like Like yeah, like that's how she be like you're reacting the way I do. Yeah You should listen to her So she gets you out and then and then that somehow leads because I've never talked to either person about it My grandmother or my aunt that leads to us Moving upstairs in the same building With our aunt who also has two kids. So she was also a teenage mom auntie has us Can't handle it. Obviously Call social services. Yep. Just so happens my brother's grandmother. So his dad's mom is a foster parent in Maryland Which is right across the board. Yeah So then they put us with them because they will they will put you with family if they can if they can Yeah, it was it was a nice home as far as foster homes go not the nicest one. I was ever in but definitely That is where I felt abandoned. All right. Well, that's what I was gonna ask you in that particular home Yeah, that you feel like you felt abandoned because you should have been more emotionally connected and it wasn't there no, no, no, I felt abandoned because the the aunt we were living with because this this is this was so before Before we lived there. This was just Because we thought she was rich. She just lived in the suburbs She was just the grandma that we would go visit Every now and then because she hadn't she had the nicest house in the family Yeah, you know, they had the Nintendo's like that. So it was a big holiday of Thanksgiving somebody we might go over this like You know, but she had cable which was mind-blowing cable in multiple rooms. Fuck, right all this. So I was told that We were going over there for Christmas. So I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like her like that, but To be at that nice house for a few days. How's that cable cable still warm exactly So then a few days go by and we're there and obviously and I get into one of the kids One of the kids is one of her biological kids and I I fucking hated her and I get into her and I'm like, whatever bitch. I'm going home. I can't wait to go home and she started cackling And you knew like, oh, she knows something. I don't know. No, I was completely confused, you know, and she was like, you live here What are you talking about? Hey, when are we going home? It's like you are home. What the fuck so I go I've run and grab my brother and I'm like, yo Did you know we live here? He was like, yeah, yeah, auntie told me like two months ago Like so why you ain't tell me so this is in February this happened or you this is before Christmas You he found out like in November you were going right. He found out November that we was going Yeah, you know and and and I and I and then and then I remember like months before that my cousin my my My aunt's son. Yeah, him saying that to me that we was going to foster care saying it like a Insult yeah, and me not believe him cuz he would do shit like that Yeah, you know so not thinking nothing about and now I'm thinking oh so so everybody knew Except me. Yeah, like why the fuck? did Why did everyone feel that it would be better to just to lie to me, right? They like what did you think was gonna happen if I was gonna get over here and Have such a great time. I would never want to go home and then And then I would find out we were staying here and be like yay. Is that what you was hoping for? Mm-hmm fuck that I was so honestly, I think that sparked there's a little in bur of pissed off That's always smoldering in me from that moment. Yeah, it's like I don't trust it And then and then and then everything after that Eroded my trust in The adults around me. Yeah, I think that's real dangerous For I would never do that to my kids. Well, that's what I was the question I wanted to ask was so you grew up in foster care until age of 18 Yeah, and then you went to the military. So if you grow up what you think is in a normal healthy Way relatively right like let's say hypothetically you grew up in like just a stable one or two parent home with no Major volatility, right? Right Who do you think you'd be versus who do you think you are? It's a hard question to answer, but I'm saying like what did you get? What do you think being sort of in foster care did to your Spirit looking back on it. I think I if I had been if I grew up normal I think I was I would just be great at something else than comedy, right? Or I might still be doing comedy. I might just have a completely worse at it different perspective I don't think I'd be worse at it. I just think I'll maybe maybe I leave you have a good brain So it's like you're you're your Jokes are like a pinball machine or like synaptic pinballs, right? Exactly. So it's not like Like you come up with weird angles. So it's not It's not based on Trauma necessarily or for like what it was like, but maybe it did but it probably it doesn't hurt I think where it helped me was my ability to Translate my ability to chameleon at and understand Communicate between the kids and the foster parents of a you know what it gave me it gave me it gave me the ability to to Instantly become the observer like when I catch myself Yeah, you know because there's being in the moment and then there's being above the moment Yeah, which is a different thing and it gave me that ability to be like wait a minute Let me let me observe like what's making this what's making it because you have you have to learn that you know You change your home you change in schools you change your friends. You have to learn how to fit in you have to learn how to Recognize danger you have to learn how to assess people's motivations and what you have to read every single room, right? And in that you're never there's no home games Yeah, so there there are things about the foster care experience that have stuck with me to this day And I don't think they'll ever go away. Yeah, but and on top of that by the way in that flicks Let me make my documentary, please every foster adult that I have met has Most of the same issues is it largely because your first block is The base of what we what we're talking about which is I don't fit in completely anywhere, right? So obviously that's there there it is and do you know and you're the first person that I've ever You're the first person. That's a friend of mine that I've said those words to that didn't take it. It's absurd Oh, what what do they say like seven people love you? Right, yeah, yeah, like you or because I guess you can't tell someone that you don't fit in Without it being a statement about them, right? It's like I understand we all right are crazy about it's like no I hear you go Your joke about I don't wish shortness on somebody I wish Endless height growth and when I see one of you tall fucks Dancing the night away, I don't wish you were my height. I wish you would keep growing Yeah uncontrollably now stop till you reach a height where it's not sexy to nobody On somebody I go. Well, there's a all right. He's not Gonna care about New Year's Eve. He's not gonna care about birthdays. He's not you're not gonna care about The normal shit that you're supposed to care about because you don't I and I say it because I'm in the same position I Don't care about the shit other people care about and I don't see things the way other people care about it And can I just say this to to the women in your of your listeners? Uh-huh. Hey, listen when your man tells you He doesn't care about birthdays. He means it Mm-hmm, but the reason you think he doesn't is because that's not what you would mean if you said it Correct. He doesn't mean I don't care about your birthday, right? He means I don't care about my birthday He and he means I don't think that birthdays are a significant milestone for anything, right? And I don't want a party. Yeah, and when you told me a party and it's all said and done and you go Well, I think he really wanted one because I threw him a party. Yeah He had a great time. No, what you did was you put me in a position where I had to have it Perform great right because I can't walk into my surprise party and go what the fuck is this? Because then I'm the piece of shit I hate every second of it just and I feel on I feel unheard me too I hate every second of it also right. I feel unseen when you I asked you not to do that Yes, yeah, no, but you're being you're fishing. No, I'm not I know how to get attention I'd like to earn it with a thought right go on a stage have people approve or disapprove Because I honestly I think what bothers me the most about all the I'm not a fan of pageantry But it all it all boils down to that. I'm not a fan of Doing things for show have a parade. I love parades fucking hate parades. I hate I hate doing things that Just for show. Yeah, it's like I don't like ceremonies. I don't like I got recognized the Tradition and all that but it's like wrap it up wrap it up. Yeah, why are you aware? Like that's why I don't go to Catholic weddings. Why are you wedding? Why are the vow? Why is why have we been sitting in the church? Why is this over an hour two and a half? Over 20 minutes and then my next question why am I still here? Why is the mass longer? Yeah, the reason why Are we pretending like this is gonna help? How was this helping? Anything like you know what I mean like by the power of our wedding day, please Get us through this argument. You either fuck with each other or you don't I know and we're unromantic for saying this weddings It was a weird wedding is a wedding is a weird thing to me because it feels like It feels like a giant fucking upfront investment in something that Fails so regularly. It's it's it's like it's almost like you wouldn't buy You when you buy a car you do more research. You're more cautious. It's like having a grand opening for a Building that cannot pass inspection Cut the ribbon. Yeah, it can't pass inspection guys don't have a ceremony Unless you're it's it just you just get married and shut the fuck up Yeah, you know, it is it's almost you notice to me. I feel like some some people's like getting married. It's like It's like it's like renting an apartment online without ever going there. Mm-hmm. It's like You know, and then you by the way making everyone go to the apartment. Yeah when you move in And then you show up and you like And then as soon as the party's over the lights off and start cleaning up you start noticing Oh, I mean, I see this crack in the wall. Oh, it's a ceiling slump. Yeah, and you like it cold You know, so whatever. Yes, so you're you are I'd say constitutionally abnormal and then I probably out of out of the box From 83 on and then 84 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 didn't help right Exacerbated a pre-existing condition. You know, you know how I know that I would have been very similar to who I am now is because This is one of the things I really kind of do get emotional about because my mom You know because people people hear my story and just assume that we aren't close but when I finally got to perform in DC shout out DC and proud and My mom to come see me perform also her first time. No, no, it's not true But but her second time seeing me perform live But a lot of her friends Who've never met me? coming to see me perform for some and Constantly saying to her what that's your fucking son for sure because she she and I are so much We have the same Constitution yeah, we're very resilient. There's also weird shit like your throat The way I don't know your mom But I'm saying like the way you say certain things or the way you pronounce words or the way just shit That is that creepy family shit see my That I got so many friends of them like they would have been like well, I mean, I know your mom's throat Would it just mean it took a jab at my mom course, whatever. I was I thought I was yeah, whatever Very That joke is beneath me even though I even though I know it popped up in your head, of course Of course, I wouldn't waste people's time like that. All right, so Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like everything so many things about her and me are the same So I know a lot of my you know your ingredients don't change Yeah, which you know your pantry is it's got it what it's what's in it To me I think still a pound cake even if it's sitting in a refrigerator or a or a dusty cabinet No, I mean like your I think like right when you're born your fucking your personality is a dusty doomsday Monker, you know and everything that's in it is what you got and you can flip it and make different shit with all the ingredients in there But you can't add shit in it. It ain't in there, you know and so you can put one of those video game chairs in there Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean? You could spruce it up a bit. Yeah spruce it up clean it up But yeah, it's still gonna be what it's gonna be But I think I think everybody's born with a kitchen and you can and you what you can make the possibilities are countless But there's certain stuff you just can't make cuz you don't got it, you know, okay? So I know you're alone. Are you lonely? Is it strange to say that I I never I'm never quite sure No, I'm positive that I I don't feel lonely often I do recognize when I need to be around people and maybe that's loneliness. It's you know, you know, there's loneliness I think it's just like it's the difference between I'm starving or I should eat. I should probably eat right my relationship with the loan is different because Alone brings me comfort. Like I'm at peace when I'm alone. You're used to it. Yeah. Well, yeah, and It's almost like have you ever have you known any wrestlers? Mm-hmm people that wrestled in school or whatever No, no, no, no pop into my fighters. Anyone had to cut weight No, but like okay, but the people that people that grew up wrestling and stuff like that when they they cut weight so much at such an early age that Like my friend Jeffries like this his his relationship with hunger is like it's it's twisted because He never feels like he's starving. Yeah, he's star. He's he knows what starving it's right He just recognizes the patterns of how he behaves when he hasn't eaten like he if he knocks over the thing He's like, oh shit. Yeah, I got it. Yeah, but he doesn't feel hungry. Yeah, you know, I mean, well, okay Well, that was what I was gonna say. So there is that like constitutional Observer removed thing which people probably take as aloof, which I've always been like I'm not aloof like I'm engaged meaning what? Disinterested dispassionate Think think less of people I've been called that. Um, that's not me at all. I know me neither you'd seem I see more like it than you do but That's because when you're sort of observing all the time you're still reading the room people think like oh, he thinks he's better than I was like, no, I'm just a little quiet. No, you know what? You know what it is is that you have You have an urgent timber and Tone to your vote to your voice So it sounds like you don't have time for whatever you're like who like whatever I don't wherever you're talking right now It feels like I don't have time for little things but chit chat for right for in things that are insignificant Like your voice sounds like that. Well, I which is fairly true, but it doesn't mean like fuck you Means like hey, well, let's get to the thing. Yeah, you I don't you never come up as aloof to me you come up as a sort of person that's like That's like I will give you five seconds to prove to me that this interaction is not completely pointless You like you won't ever say that but it's like right Right, but we've also talked on the phone for an hour and I wasn't like what right? You know what? I'm exactly the same way, but I didn't do spell show But no one thinks you're an asshole and I'm and I'm I'm gonna have a friendlier disposition. Yeah, correct Which is also not me either. I know I'm I'm nice. I just don't seem like so what I'm saying is what I also considered that my sort of Comfort or even desire to be alone sometimes with When you grow up around a bunch of people Sounds like you're with a lot of people around a lot of people around no space But no, but that wasn't even really was I'm gonna tell you what it was go in my third Or was it my fourth foster home? I was playing with a gun and shot my foster brother and That turned into a whole fucking shit storm And I don't know why right and I ended up being taken out of that home What do you can I before can I cut can I butt in real quick? Yeah, what are you? I was thinking about a kid playing with a gun. How old were you? At this point I'm 15 Okay, so you know what a gun is I'm just one of what little kids think is happening No, but I they're playing with a gun at that point, which is crazy. I'm pretty I'm almost positive I had never seen a gun Not a real one. Yeah, maybe I had seen one, but I definitely had never held a gun. It's gonna piss off my Lefty friends, but I I honestly think you know Guns and sex are things that people need to be educated about as long as it's gonna be Ubiquitous, you know, I'm here. They're everywhere. Yeah, and we clearly aren't gonna do anything about it even though It's weird that both sides Focus most of the abstinence right the right focuses on abstinence and the left focus on getting rid of guns You know neither of those things is ever gonna happen. Yeah, it's like everywhere Everywhere throughout history violence and sex is part of us. Yeah. Anyway, I don't know what why I went off on that No, yeah, I mean you're that's actually not that's a a good premise and be true Which is the we should have gun class in eighth grade and I ended up in I ended up in the military Where I where I trained and slept with my gun and I never shot anybody Not even an accident. That's funny and I literally the reason I shot my My at the time my best friend was because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing I just thought about you sleeping with your gun. So you would have I would assume you wake up most mornings With an erection against up against your gun. No, no, I would wake up in a cot with my So it would be I don't know if you ever seen those military cops But they kind of bow a little bit you in my and I look what I would do is I will put my leg through the sling Put my leg through the sling and wrap it around. Is everybody have the gun? Yeah So get somebody must have fucked their gun at a certain point. Um, I don't know if it's possible to fuck your gun There's no it's really no dry hump it I mean, look, that's definitely possible But but there's way more fuckable things around you when you deploy that in your gun boots Also, you need your gun like, you know, the reason you're sleeping with it is Because at any moment you might need to use it. So it's not a sex object I mean, you definitely don't want coming your gun in the fire. That's what I was getting at Okay, all right, so so the gun thing so you shoot your I shoot my friend I guess I can't just skip past that, right? Yeah, so they so long I'm gonna make the story short long story short Another former foster kid that used to live in in this house that I was in like he so he's grown He's out. He's wrong, but he was there when the oldest kid that's there with me was a younger kid So that he kind of looks up to so he gives him a gun to hold Like just like hold this for me. Don't talk to me. So this guns in the house for I don't know months Whatever and then and he keeps to the secret and then one day he's all of these drunk or high or whatever And he decides to fuck with me and like wake me up with it to my face So in the middle of the night, I don't know who's here who's in the house He's what you don't you know me? Yeah, and I'm fucking scared and I'm like I don't have anybody whatever the fucking any tons of Lights he starts laughing blah blah blah blah blah This is the jokes you've been a part of as a child or three of the meanest jokes I've ever heard I know it's all foster care It's all abandonment and betrayal. Yeah, and so You know to get him back, you know, I waited a few weeks. He was getting ready for a date to get out The shower blah blah he comes in and I'm like, ah Which now thinking back on it. I'm like, why would that's not even a good prank because because I was scared That's a good prank. That's not a good prank Holding the gun. Yeah, you know, and I don't know what possessed me to shoot it Is it one of those things that just happened and you don't remember Sending the message to your finger to pull the trigger No, no, no what it was is when he did it to me he pulled the trigger and it clicked So he and he was like a little bitch and took took the thing out and showed me and Cocked it back and showed me blah blah and I I just remembered that in the wrong order So when I got to when he was in a shower and I got the gun You know, I took the magazine like mix up. Yeah, I took the magazine out and I cocked it back And that that put one in the chamber Right and so actually I did it in there in the right order, but I just didn't know what I was doing Yeah, you know and so So I just I pulled the trigger. He gets shot. He survives Shut in the stomach 22 fuck 22 caliber Glastening bag all that to this day. No, no, I think actually I haven't seen him since then, but I'm promise I'm surprised doesn't keep keeping Dutch. No, no, no I spoke to him about a year or an a half ago or something like that But that was the first time I spoke to him since then So it's been over 25 years 30 years and did he did you explain like well you did it to me? So where was it just like ah and then it's no no was insane So what's funny is I carried around this guilt because that foster mother was the best one I ever had They take me out of that home because it's clearly, you know, I lie I lie for him because they you know, he tells me what to say, but he's bleeding to death I called our friend before I called the cops I called our friend while the neighbors was calling the cops So when the cop was questioning me, he already knew what I was saying was alive because he was like Why would you call this guy? Why would you call this guy instead of 911? Right? Yeah, you know, this doesn't make any sense And so then what is that guy going to tell them? You know, so it was all these things my my lie unraveled very quickly And I got taken out of that home like from the hospital The they came to the hospital and got me and took me to my previous home Back your aunt's house upstairs? No, no, no Because the shooting happened in like my fourth home or third home Okay, I took me to the home before that and I remember Just sitting in the dark Somehow it it brought me comfort like everyone had questions and concerns And all I'm worried about is like is is he alive? Am I did I like did I kill him because I'm stupid? Like what was you know, I'm just sitting there going through all these things And all of these adults who I don't trust Right are trying to cops foster parents, right? And I'm like get the fuck out of here with your pamphlet You don't have a pamphlet on what to say to a kid to just try this friend Stop trying to fucking You know like you looked up the answer in your textbook like trying to tell me how I feel And are they trying to scan you for like are you crazy? Are you a murderer or is it just like Do they does anyone to quickly go? Well, this is just an accident I don't know You know what I think I think what I needed at that time was an adult conversation I think it's important to recognize when you when you have a Constitution would you call it constitution constitutionally different child? Yeah Because I want to say smart child because that's convenient a lot of different things right but I was a smart kid And I think the smarter your child is the more they need things to make sense because a lot of a lot of adults Have child conversations with their children because it makes them comfortable Yeah, there's also the thing when you're a when you're a kid like I'm assuming Similar that we were where you'll say shit to adults and I'll be like, huh A lot of like I've never thought of that and you're like you've never thought of that because I'm 11 Right. Well, that's how did you not think of that? And it's just like they just don't there's a lot of that Yeah, because I think as a kid. I don't think I've I don't think I was ever around any adult That Yeah, and it's not like they're dumb. It's just we're just weird. Yeah. I don't think I was ever around any adult I thought was smarter than me I there were definitely ones I recognized wisdom. I recognized that they knew things. I didn't yeah But it's like, oh, you're just keeping the information, but you're you're you're a hard drive. You're not a you're not a cpu Exactly. Wow. Yeah. That's a good way to put it. You're a hard drive not a cpu And so I didn't I just didn't trust any of them But that's not true. I trusted them to behave the way I had Stored them in my mind where it's like you're the type of person that's going to react this way And they never surprised me. They always react to the way I thought so you're in the dark So I so I spent a lot of time Because I because I'm also so here's the other thing. I'm also around Other foster kids that like I left this home because I didn't get along with these kids Are they glad like you didn't make it or are they like fuck? No, because the you know everybody all because these are traumatized kids Like they I don't know what it is. They but they were she that foster mother was she was doing the system of favor Like I wasn't supposed to be there and probably You know if they would ever let me look at my own file, which you can't do that for whatever reason Why do they save the records if you're the only one that's allowed to see it? Like they save your records. They're confidential. No one's allowed to see them. You can see them later You can't ever see them Ever the state of maryland will not let me see my foster care records ever But at the same time no one is allowed to see them So that begs the question then why do you have them? No, we don't know you can't we can't tell you that Exactly in case the CIA ever wants to destroy you. No, but uh, but also it does make sense that they won't let you see them Because like you could have some kind of You know, you could have you could be mentally unstable You could have you know, you could read something that one of your foster mothers said about you that you didn't know Or you know, because yeah, I don't know if you're over a teen it seems like you should be able to know You should be able to know I agree. Um, but I'm sure they have all kind of bullshit reasons But anyway, so they had so she was she's keeping Holding me there for them to find somewhere for me to go because now i'm a problem job for sure And she ain't a problem child person And so they're keeping me separate from the other kids in this house. Yeah. Yeah, it's a big ass house Okay, I basically kept me I was just downstairs where the I was in the giant Living room, I guess got it and all the bedrooms are upstairs So for the for the few days I was there I had that whole room I was just me in that room and I remember My foster mother walking in and turning on the light And her asking me like, you know, do I need anything? Do I want to talk and I was like, can you just turn the light off? and I don't know why Sitting in the dark made me Feel better. I think it was like less sensory input or something Like but something about it made me feel like I had more control of the situation that felt so much out of my control And I didn't want to fucking talk to her or them or whatever, you know, it's also I think being Isolated what it's like a sign of depression and all that stuff But it's also I think there's something empowering about isolation, especially if you're I'm sensitive to perception Like I like feeling someone's perception Makes me behave differently And it's a friend of mine monic martin always says I don't always want to be perceived So it's like I just like being by myself. I don't have to think about how I am I don't have to think about what my behavior makes you think I think of you I just want to behave and exist and not worry about who's going to see it and who's going to Analyze it and appraise it and assume things about and I think I think I do my bed I do I I think I do my best thinking by myself. Absolutely because I because I'm also one of the people that like I actually enjoy thinking I and yeah, I enjoy Actively picking an idea part and really thinking about it's its own reward. It's like well, that's interesting I wonder ah, right and you're not it's not that that's not your voice everybody You're like it is when you have like a good brain you can kind of like It's it's fun. It's something satisfying around doing nothing. I'm like, so is Neil deGrasse Tyson. He gets paid to think What do you think the head of the planetarium is doing? Yeah, you think he's He's not he's never looks through that telescope. Yeah, he's just thinking of formulations. Like, what do you think of fear red? So now I know I know Neil deGrasse is not a theoretical physicist But like what do you think michio kaku does he makes all this decent money? He's he gets paid to think yeah of of things that can't be proven So Where do you think he's gonna do it in a in a in a square ass office? Right. Well, so why why why is it that when I'm sitting around turn the fucking lights off? Right. I'm just fine about it when I'm sitting around thinking it's not nothing Yeah, have you beat yourself up about not feeling connected to people because a lot of these all of your blocks are basically um Related to this, you know, like they're related to It's I don't fit in completely. I may never have a healthy relationship brain noise And then I don't know if I if I'll ever be on the right medication What's them? What are you medicating for? I don't know man. I honestly don't what do they diagnose they diagnose depression So when I was the foster care doctors diagnosed me with ADHD Okay, but I didn't trust them so so every chance I could I didn't listen and I didn't Accept it and in fact, I never even thought about it again until Cocaine didn't work and then I realized and it kept not working You know, I saw I've tried hundreds of times Yeah, no, no, no because every everyone that's really in the cocaine when you when I tell them that um that I When I say I don't do coke I should have just said that But I would say oh, it doesn't do anything up to me And that just tells them to go. Oh you anymore you haven't had So I've had three or four chances to try it And every single person is like no this this shit is the shit and it doesn't do anything Like it's and I found out later on That it's because uh, if you were on riddling as a child I didn't know this until alex edelman does a joke about it in his new hbo special I and I just watched it last night. It's if I didn't know you if you took Ritalin coke stops working. Yeah, it's insane What do they have you on riddling still or they had you on riddling then on riddling then was that the right medication then I don't know man because I like I said every chance. I got it didn't take it in fact Oh, you didn't take it the first no I took it but The first the first two weeks That they put me on it We we go have a parent teacher conference It's my so it's my foster mother my teacher and the guidance counselor and They're all sitting around talking about how they Notice a huge change in my behavior and how And I know that I've been spitting out the pills So and they're all sitting around. Oh, that's funny. They're all sitting around congratulating each other I'm like, oh these people are full of shit each and every fucking one of them And then the next time I got caught spitting out the pill And so she she devised all these different ways to make us Take them or whatever That's something because I would always be the because she's got a bunch of kids that's on bunch of meds And I and so she would make us all drink out of one cup So she would have one giant cup of juice or water or whatever and then everyone's medications lined up you Well, and That's one thing me and with me and my mama like if I don't be drinking by how I fuck people You know and but you and somebody else's house. So I always make sure I'm the first one in line You know what I'm saying? But that's how I got caught. That's how I got caught Cheating it You know, anyway, the point is I notice they're all full of shit Well, what was my point? I guess it's the being on the right medication. Oh been on the right What are you supposed to be? What are they? What are they still treating for? So I was on riddling that Fast forward all the way through the comedy world or what have you? I end up in a homeless shelter in los angeles in the veterans homeless shelter. What year? This is 2015. Are you doing comedy at this point at this point? I'm five years in the comedy I think yeah, I just left san diego and moved to la I was homeless within weeks Congratulations. Yeah, I end up in this shelter But and at this particular shelter it's specifically for veterans specifically for iraq veterans And but one of their rules is like you have to do Everything that the that the va What can possibly do for you? You got to sign up for every program. You got to take every med. You got to do everything So at this place they actually keep they keep the meds Kind of like false gear they keep them in a thing and you have to go to them to get them So they can sign off that you took them and they got the open mouth and you swallowed and all that Shout out to your mom because if they found out you're not taking them shout out to your mom and I think And I think they also I think they will blood test you from time to time Like if you they found out you're not on the meds that you're prescribed. It's a real problem So where they get you on so so the va diagnosed me with Depression pts. Uh depression manifests ptsd or vice versa ptsd manifests as depression and So they started me on well butchering Which made my heart beat too fast and then they and then they put me on some other shit That made me a fucking zombie And then they put me on I want to say mertaza pain, but I think that is what made me a zombie But one of them made me have to fucking Randomly shit my pants like like Explode like not diarrhea like I could hold it, but it would be like It was like like the sphincter caught that one at the gate like right before it was coming Like and it would just happen random times, you know, and that I can't do that Especially like I'm on stage all the time. Yeah, so And then they put me on Well, why are they why how they come up with ptsd for you? Because I have a question about military and all this stuff I think I think it's one of those things where they you know, they take your symptoms obviously in your years of treatment and then And then if you were ever In a combat It they they pretty much It's automatic. It's almost like they're trying to diagnose you I guess that's not really true though. Honestly, does anyone there not need anything It's anyone at the va the homeless va Does anyone they're like no, you just just not catching a break Or is it like something's the matter eat this? Yeah, man. It was people there for all manner of reasons I mean, some people just had addiction problems um, some people were literally like, you know, they had a Traumatic brain injuries, you know where they fucking skulls rattled around in their brain So like some people literally You know, they weren't the person they were before they left I'm kind of of the mind and you can you would absolutely know War or combat kind of breaks 80 percent of the people that participate actively. Yeah I mean, I was never I was never in any firefights, you know, I was in I was in danger Come in this way like they would have these maybe shoot these rpgs over the gate at the I'm at the base that people came to Away from the combat, you know what I mean? I mean, I'm not it's not vacation But it's the front line. Yeah, look, I think I think combat is like money It will highlight and multiply What's there? You know what I mean? Yeah, it's like if you're if you're a fragile person That's going to get exposed, right? But I'm saying if you're a strong person and the dude next to you get shot in the head I don't know if that's Reveals something under I think it's just a natural human reaction to see you. I'm sure you I'm sure they told you guys A lot of guys in combat don't even shoot at the enemy. Yeah, they I hear that I mean, I don't know if you saw it, but a lot of that data comes from World war two and all drafted, right? You know what I mean? These are real bloodthirsty motherfuckers that that enlist I mean, I look also. I think it's different. It's different with marines You're a marine. I was a marine. Yeah, and it and Because because they Since nom because I think one of the stats was like 80% of the bullets and nom hit nothing. Yeah so Since then well first of all now Now weapons a issue or three were three round burst at least when I was in they weren't fully automatic anymore People didn't waste ammo, but I'm sure like now they have these processes That weed People out like back then they was rushing people through they needed people on the front line You know bootcamp is five weeks and shit like that. Yeah, but now but the bootcamp I went to was three months long and The people when you know when you get to the fire range people, you know Do you see people break down crying and shit like that and they just got they they Goodbye, they just go. Yeah. So, you know, I don't know because I wasn't in combat. I don't have any close friends Actually, that's not true. I have a couple close friends that were all right Well, my question for you it's a broad question. But the in How did you learn to like Accept what you're like Ah, fuck. I don't think I have yet. I think I'm just starting to do that like the medication the the sort of brain noise that I got off a lot of the meds because You know, like I said, so, you know, the the VA they diagnosed me with PTSD Manifest as major major depressive disorder. Yep and I know the depression shit is there for sure, but so they switched me to you know, these strong antidepressants and I couldn't handle any of the side effects, even though there's it seemed like a limitless different brands and stuff And I could I could never handle the side effects. And I think by the time I got on like the seventh one I I remember I forget what it did to me But I was just like I'm done with all this and I think I had just I had just moved out here You know and and uh and Rogan's going hey, man Just like we we so what we ended up doing was it was get was going to his gym every morning and working out I was like, damn, I fucking feel great. Like I don't think I need this shit So I stopped taking the the end of it and I and I felt pretty fucking good and um But then What the fuck happened? Oh, I tried the ozympic or I tried Manjaro, which is same thing kind of and it it fucked with my pancreas and that was like getting towards the special type in and all this and And I remember talking to the doctor and being like, hey man, I think Like I remember just being in one of those modes. I don't know if you deal with depression but it comes in these And obviously everyone deals with depression, but I'm talking about just a disorder like The major depressive disorder is like it just comes It just comes in like waves And some and you never know when it's gonna end And I sometimes I can kind of feel it coming the the way like, you know Sometimes, you know, you're gonna have a headache in three hours. It's that like sometimes I'm like, oh shit. Here we go Um better masturbate while it works and I shout out to your mom Right and I realized like I don't I don't think this shit's working And I don't know what's gonna work like because I don't even know what it working feels like That's what I was trying to you know That's what I was trying to explain to uh to the doctor was I was like Honestly, I can't tell you the works because I've done drugs. I've popped pills that make me feel a different way and and You know, yeah, this isn't that's the thing about antidepressants. There's not like It's like it takes months. It takes weeks. It takes weeks And I was like, I don't know if this is effective and I don't know I don't think that the upside is better than whatever the fuck is going on now because I don't know There's too many things wrong for me to know which thing it is And I was like I I feel like My symptoms don't quite fit that and then I told the doctor. I was like, well, I did get diagnosed with With adhd as a kid, but I always just thought it was bullshit But the more I look into it the more I feel like maybe I got misdiagnosed with the depression Or maybe or maybe earlier recently recently like I so you think it might just be add I think the add one was accurate I think the depression interesting, but you wouldn't take the pills see the motherfucker. So the thing is I don't know if I don't know if it's add if it's If it's depression or if it's both or if it's one Or if it's like the depression is exacerbates exactly right and so it's that it's trying to figure it out so desperately That I'm will I'm really I was I'm at the point like I'm willing to try anything. Yeah You know and uh, but you know, it's funny is I said that to a close friend of mine. I'm gonna say their name and I was like I'm at I'm at my wit's and I'll try anything. He was like Will you try? You know exercising regularly eating healthy and sleeping at a railroad now you're talking crazy, right? well, damn, so then I started doing that and and It's not like I'm cured But I but I do feel like you have to be taking care of yourself in all the other ways that matter Because you're whatever the fuck is wrong with my mind. I'm never gonna cure it. Yeah, there's not an answer It's just I have to learn how to deal have to manage live with it manage it Listening to you and like being somebody that I like you and I respect you That it's you're gonna have to what I'm curious about is what is your Is it hard being you are you shitty to yourself or are you like? Is it pleasant to be you or is it not that pleasant and you're getting through it It's both It's not that pleasant. It's chaos It feels chaotic And like you said, I don't derive the same enjoyment from Certain things that I think most people do and so it's also hard to Have to pretend right. Yeah, it's exhausting. So even so when I'm it's like that's what I think a lot of my actual friends don't understand is that like Being around you is exhausting for me Even and that's you that like I'm around because I love you. Yeah Me being me being getting tired being around you doesn't isn't reflective of my feelings of you It's like me you willing to put myself through that Is is me expressing love, but I can't I'm just exhausted afterwards and you might hear from me for a couple days If it was up to me, it's like I wouldn't I would be I would be by myself for a few days and then interact Yeah, you know and then and so it's hard to explain that to people Especially like we're one of your blocks's uh relationship. Oh good women. Yeah, I think that's a tough one because When I was when I was younger my problem with relationships is that I was very Fragile And very very desperate to be loved because I Didn't don't you dare say foster care. Don't you fucking dare. No, don't you fucking of course. No, no, I didn't no I didn't I didn't want I think I just been walking around with that with that question without words to it You know what I mean, but just that feeling of why doesn't anyone Want me like what like why do I keep ending up in a different house at a different school with different friends? Why am I You know and it's it would be hard. It's hard not to take everything personally as a person, right? Especially that it's hard to break out of that perspective that like the world the world owes me You know, I didn't do anything to deserve all of this And I had to get I've really I mean the Marine Corps Alleviated me of that what how it's like you ain't special because no one gave a fuck in fact, you know was so funny Most that's funny because in the war before the Marine Corps was probably Seems like everyone is cared for except me And then you enter the Marine Corps and it's like no one's cared for Including you the foster kid kid me Felt like I was surrounded by people Whose obligations were to keep me alive and take care of me and like pretend to be my parents But their actual sentiment was You know they all they it's like they all act like you're some kind of you're some kind of creature That doesn't know it's ugly, you know, they're like they're worried They're worried about you about things that they want to discuss with you Whereas like in in in the military me It it was more like I'm surrounded by people who have the same obligations To keep me alive and all that but they don't have to pretend like it's more than that So so it's got it. So it's like they're like You know you're I'm here to keep you alive and you are here To do a job. Yeah, and I'm gonna always do my part I'm gonna always make sure you pay fed know where to be with above It was you know, it was that consistency that yeah, yeah, but I wouldn't say Why do most of your relationships end now because as an adult The hardest part For me especially like in the show business thing is Well, it's it's it's several problems The problem on my end is that I want closeness so bad, but I don't think I've ever actually Been close like I don't want I don't I'm so it's like I'm not comfortable being close It's kind of like being alone. It's like I'm way more comfortable by myself But I do want you I do want you to want my company I want you to invite me And I want you but I want you to know me well enough to know that I'm not gonna go Right. It's it's kind of same. It's like I want to be close and intimate and 100 Connected with somebody but I don't know how to be and and the closer I get to with the more uncomfortable I am And it's like and so because I was like when you're when you're when you're a smart kid That is desperate for love Is like you don't really attract love you attract Predators narcissists and people that see you as somebody that can easily be taken advantage of because all they got to do Is pretend to love you and you and it's like and that's the thing about I think Is what kind of predators preyed on? No, no, I don't mean I don't mean those kind of predators. I but I but I mean That I mean there are people that will use the users Yeah, there are people that You're more likely to be taken being sensitive makes you more likely to be taken advantage of not Not for people to think, you know, it's almost like being generous makes you more likely to get robbed Right, this doesn't make you doesn't make people people aren't gonna go. Oh my god every time I see nil He's given a hundred dollar bills to the homeless They're gonna go this motherfucker right here. Don't know what the fuck he don't right? Yeah And so it's that it's like as a young and emotionally I was that person that was so green And just thought anybody that showed me the slightest bit of love I would just drop all the defenses You know I'm saying yeah, it was it was yeah, it was almost like I had a I had a I have a fort Knox fucking 15th black belt level encryption system right here, but the but the password is Hi, right. Yeah, that's where it's hey cutie. Yeah. Yeah, so So my problem so then that bleeds into my adult relationships because it's like Yeah, but the but the other the other side of that is I think that Mmm, most women In America I love a generalization cannot wait They're not socialized or conditioned to like I I require the emotional care that a woman would And women are not Women and American women are not brought up to provide that For men they they they expect it from you, but I need it too. Yeah, like I'm yeah, I'm very soft in here And I need and I can't deal with I can't be with a woman that doesn't recognize that and like care for me like extra And and I think the way American women are talked to treat Men that they're with like once they get a man It's just not And I'm not and I know everyone isn't like I'm not saying all women There are the sweet souls out there. They're usually they're usually married at my age, right? So it's like it's that it's like I always run into that problem where it's like I need you Like all the way I need you to carry everything right now And a lot of times they they can't do that, you know They don't know how they've never had to do that. Yeah, they do it for a kid probably Yeah, but I think I honestly I think it's something that unlocks and you instinctually when it's your kid Yeah, no, of course, right, but yeah, but when it's your man like men's emotions are not we're like third class Exactly. It's it's like nothing. What no one wants to hear people will listen to your You know, that's why the only time anyone wants to the only time anyone cares how a man feels is when he kills a bunch of people Then they were like, where's this manifesto? Yeah, but But as soon as you say it like you saying it like now like Yeah, and so I I don't I don't know if I can I don't I just think statistically chances are I'm not gonna or oh, this is a big one And maybe I'm doing this in my head I tend to also go for people that are fucked up Because I always thought subconsciously. I think That they can't judge me for what's wrong with me if I don't judge them for what's wrong with them Right, but that is a recipe for disaster because You know, especially I'm 41 if I mean somebody that's four if I meet a woman that's 41 That's still fucked up and not doing none of the work She ain't gonna help me at all. No, it's just gonna get worse. We're gonna hurt each other. Yeah, so It's like it's that whole combination of things but also I don't know if I want Like I think I want to feel I think I like the way love feels I do I like the idea of I like knowing that somebody out there love me like that But I don't know if I need that and I and I think so many Of my peers older younger whatever. I don't think it's a generational thing they see Like I forget the dude from the dude from kfc radio said this to me the other day But it's like I I think dudes Want to get married and have kids so everyone knows they're not gay Yeah, I mean that's part of it It's people just want to do the thing that culturally that they're supposed to do would be like We're good. What it is to me is like marriage and and deep relationships It's like this eclipse. It's like all these fucking people you spend a thousand dollars on flights and shit and rushing out here To look at the sky was overcast and then for for a minute and a half It was the look kind of dusky But guess what it's going to be people it's people posting on social media right now. I'm going Austin 2024 eclipse. We did it missed out. Yep and wedding. That's what that's what like relationships are to me. It was like Like even like my mother sometimes I talk whenever I talk to my mother It's it goes I guess it goes back to that party thing where it's like I feel like And I hate to generalize women. Maybe I could just say the women in my life The women I've encountered But again, it's like I don't think I don't think women have to understand men You know what I mean? So it's like what so like every time I talk to me like they therefore they don't make an effort to I don't think they no, I don't think I don't think women ever I don't think women make an effort to understand me at all I don't think they I don't think they need I think they care about our emotions about as much as we care about their sexual Ideation what they how they feel about sex and like how um Important it is and how and we're just kind of like trying to fuck or not They're like no, but this is an emotional thing that I have a certain Expectations for and I would like to feel a certain way before it begins and then afterward and after And we're just like no no no no and that's how they are with us Like we're like we have specific and they're like are you gonna support me or not? Are you gonna are you gonna be there for me or not? Right? I don't give a fuck about all your shit I need You to do a thing do it. No, that's a good analogy Um, especially that especially like that like every every time I talk to my mom She'll she'll say something to the effect of like You know, are you who you who you're seeing who you're dating? You know, it's like I just got out of a relationship in august, but I think She's ticky like me Or she's particular. I think that's a better way of putting it and she's older and she's uh single Oh, I don't actually I don't know what she's single. She's always got her little secrets But you know, she's publicly single right and I think because You know the dream for her was always married kids. Yeah stable She thinks that that she wants that for me like So how else would right but but but when I tell her that I don't really Like what I guess what I'm trying to say is like my my my mother talks about marriage and relationships as though Like the way like like it's somewhere to live Like it is. Well, you can get down. You can get down. Yeah, you'll get an apartment. I heard Yeah, I don't want somebody I know is down there So they you could get in touch with them when you get when you touch down and I'm like mom I'm living in this van. It's great. I don't need an apartment. Yeah, okay, baby But listen, but I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna put in that application for you because it's it's like no mom. No, really I'm fine. All right. Well, I gotta take a leak, but here's what I want to say for you. Here's here's my goal for you And it's a goal that I have only recently realized Accepting who you are Accepting what you're actually like in the dark by yourself What are you like? What what what are your goals? What are your dreams? Fuck whether they're the most common dream whether they're the the most accepted dream whether they're the the shared cultural dream and accepting What yours are who you are And feeling good about yourself within that That's my goal for you Yeah, but that's that's a lofty goal That's why it's a goal mark. Do you know anyone that's reached it? I just reached it. Wow. Yeah Peace close Close except self-acceptance just self-acceptance like this is what I'm like. It's pretty good I'm gonna I'm gonna service this I'm not gonna be like we have but I'm not gonna. Yeah, but you are that no It's pretty good Huh And I and I give it to you By putting hands on you. Okay, brian simpson everybody brian simpson locks Uh live at the mothership on netflix on netflix and of course who can forget blocks on netflix and frameworks on netflix And now crazy get on netflix. Goodbye