 Hey, what's going on everyone? Thank you so much for tuning in as always Rafe Derrazy here and Today I want to talk about something a little different So something that's been a theme this year. It seems like something that I need to work on is I realize that I have Abandonment issues. I have a fear of abandonment and I'm Positive that it stems from my childhood I was born in Utrecht, Netherlands and I came here when I was about four and a half five years old with my mom While my biological father was in jail. She fled the country No one knew where she was where she was going. She didn't tell her family. She didn't tell anybody so you know, one of my earliest memories is You know leaving a country leaving my entire family Everyone I knew you'd at four and a half years old You'd you'd be surprised how much a kid can remember at such a young age, but I have some really vivid memories So from very early on at a very young age. I had a big fear related towards my biological father Because I was afraid that he was gonna come get me. He was like the boogeyman in my dreams. I would have nightmares. I Went by a different name. My real name is Rafe Derrazy, but when I came here to the US I went by a completely different name. I didn't change it legally But I was going by Timmy Zimmer. If that does something to you psychologically when you're a kid Whether someone tells you or doesn't tell you on a subconscious level You're gonna believe that there's a reason for you to hide and there's a reason for you to be afraid and this person who is supposed to Be part of this duo What we know as parents who is supposed to be the person that you can trust most is the person that I was Afraid of and running from so I know that that had a big impact on me and has had a big impact on me in my life Eventually my mom met the man who had become my stepfather and he raised me from about 5 to 22 now He had his own issues. He unfortunately suffered from very very strong alcohol addiction and I have a lot of memories of him succumbing to his alcoholism You know him being passed out on the floor of the pool hall and my mom and I having to come get him late night and Have someone drag him and put him in the car and then take him home because he was so drunk He was just passed out and couldn't even wake him up couldn't make him conscious The thing is he was a very good man. He had a very big heart and he was a very good guy He just had this disease that he could not overcome and he had intense depression that went along with it And because of that he was emotionally distant. So again this father figure who was supposed to be this Bastion of strength and comfort and love was just absent in in many ways. He Unfortunately succumbed to his alcoholism by the time I was 22 years old He had a number of medical conditions that I wasn't even aware of I mean, I knew that his health was declining. He also smoked constantly So he constantly had pneumonia and he was on a breather and I know I know there was something wrong But I didn't know the extent of it until he passed away and it was a complete shock to me. I Was not expecting that it was Yeah, I was completely thrown off guard by that. I was like this guy who I consider my dad. It can't die That's doesn't make sense. We never talked about it. There was no discussion. There was no Information that was given. There was nothing so that along with you know other friendships and stuff like that Which I'm sure were informed by by my experiences with my dad and my biological father and the instability in my home I'm sure those informed my Relationships as a kid and as a teenager and my friendships as a kid and as a teenager growing up and and I think it was a cycle That that fulfilled itself over and over and over again this fear of abandonment and then being abandoned and and people letting me down and not realizing that that was I Had a psychological trauma that was holding me back from a lot of things, you know When I got diagnosed with AIDS I I decided that I was no longer going to be the victim of my own life So I think that was the first step then from there. I started to reclaim power ownership responsibility and now I'm realizing okay. I still have some things that I need to work out because I'm getting anxiety and I'm getting stressed and fear and I'm getting and I'm and behaving in these weird desperate needy ways that are Pushing the people I care about most away. What is that? And that's when it clicked and it dawned on me I have a fear of abandonment Recently I decided to look for a book to help me and I found the book Love me. Don't leave me. It's by Michelle Skeen and I just started it a few months ago And I've been very reluctant to kind of like creep into it because I know I'm just gonna have to tackle all this stuff But I know it's good for me at the same time. So I'm getting there and I got to the point I think it's in the first few chapters. There's a quiz that you take and it's about your fundamental core beliefs and so These are these are the names of the different core beliefs Abandonment core belief mistrust and abuse core belief Emotional deprivation core belief defectiveness core belief and failure core belief. So there's statements for each one I think there's like ten or so and for each statement you rate on a scale of one to six How much you identify with that statement? So six would be like very strongly. Yes, that's me one not at all So I'm gonna read to you all the statements for each core belief that I either rated five or six Which means that I very strongly identified with them for the abandonment core belief there was I Keep falling in love with people who cannot be there for me in a committed way makes sense, right? People have always come and gone in my life. I Get desperate when someone I love pulls away Absolutely can relate to that a hundred percent The people closest to me are unpredictable one minute. They are there for me and the next minute. They are gone And it's not just with my father It was like lots of friendships and relationships the same repeating pattern and because I believe that we have Responsibility and we have power in our own lives and we're a creative force and we attract certain things for a reason. I believe that I'm Finding myself in these situations because this is something that I need to heal from the next core belief mistrust and abuse core belief Throughout my life people close to me have abused me. Maybe not physically but emotionally for sure It is only a matter of time before the people I love will betray me. I Have to protect myself and stay on guard If I am not careful people will take advantage of me. I have been physically verbally or sexually abused by people I should have been able to trust emotional deprivation core belief. I Need more love than I get I can tell you that for my entire life. I felt like I was Missing some some love that I needed and I was constantly searching for that so desperate for it It's like that Typical Disney character that's looking out the window longing for their prince or their Princess or somebody to find and then that's that's how they spend their days Longing for this person because that's all that matters. No one really understands me I've always felt like I was the outlier. I was the outcast. I was the weird one I was the one that didn't fit in and then the other one is I Feel disconnected even from the people who are closest to me And I feel that's kind of relates to the previous statement defectiveness core belief I didn't have any for this. So I definitely don't relate to the defectiveness core belief I don't feel like I'm a neatly defective the failure core belief the one that I related to was I was a failure as a student Definitely, I struggled so much in school Especially in high school and college. I barely graduated high school It's funny because I was regarded as a generally intelligent student and I did really well when I did My work and I did really well in class when I was in class, but I ditched a lot. I didn't do my homework I had trouble with that. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't sit down and just do the work that I needed to do And then college was the same thing because I never learned the skills So I ended up spending four years at community college and Then finally transferred after getting after failing so many classes But I was able to transfer and I got into UCLA amazing experience there I was so stoked but still had trouble and Did three years at UCLA on top of the four at community college and still didn't graduate. Yeah failure core belief. Yes that has been a strong indicator in my life of my fear of Tackling things of my fear of doing this vlog It took me so long to finally get to the point where I can do this consistently But I'm learning and I'm getting there and that's the purpose of reading this book I really want to tackle this and the reason why I felt like it's so important to do this as a vlog is because I think that Hey, I feel Just seeing in my own life. There are so many people going through this exact same thing They but it's unconscious and they're not even aware that they have that these abandonment issues or fear of abandonment and Especially in the LGBT community we experience this a lot LGBT kids are Regularly abandoned mate to feel like an outsider Have had their trust betrayed. It's just have been abused. It's it's so prevalent and it's so clear when you go out into the gay community the way that people act in the way that People treat each other and the viciousness and the vindictiveness and the resentment and the shade and the tea and all of that is I think is so indicative of so much pain and so much hurt that our community hasn't healed from so I wanted to to share that with you because This is something I I'm not healed from and I haven't fixed it But it's something I'm going through and I really want to do it And so I invite you guys if you can relate to any of this To join me on this journey to be aware that this is something that's influencing your life So if you want over the course of the next few weeks couple months I'm going to be going through this book chapter by chapter and I think it would be really cool if we could create a dialogue and a discussion here on the channel and in the comments below of What your experiences are will you guys go through or how you deal with it? And I am going to be going through the book and I'm going to see now that I've done the quizzes What the book recommends what the solutions are and sharing that with you guys? So I'm intending to make this a series But for now if you can relate if you this is something that you find value in that you would really like me to delve into deeper Please leave a comment below and depending on how much you want to share Let me know what it is that you have to deal with or what's what's triggered that in you and how you cope What do you guys do when you're getting anxiety or stressed out or angry or you can feel yourself lashing out? How do you cope with that? I'll put a link to the book down below so you can get it for yourself if you're interested in following along And doing this with me. I hope you like this. I'm trying something new So if you did please like subscribe hit that little bell so you get a notification every time I do a video I'm gonna be posting every two weeks now. It's gonna be very consistent. I promise and Stay tuned. I will see you soon