 times I should have realized that was autistic. Let's go for it. About a year ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD, also known as Awesome Disorder. Hot dog! No, it stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. Yeah, I know. However, since I've begun to tend my ADHD, I noticed there's still something, something different about how I interact with the world. And I've always felt that something ever since I was a kid. And looking back on it now, I think that something is autism. Autism, or Autism Spectrum Disorder, is a developmental disorder that impacts the nervous system and impairs the ability to communicate and interact. Neurodevelopmental. Definition. Quick disclaimer, as you watch this video and learn about my specific symptoms, keep in mind that, yeah, you could be somewhere on the spectrum too. But please also understand that these symptoms are a lot like ingredients to a recipe. So just because you've got some tomatoes and boiling water doesn't necessarily mean you're brain's making spaghetti. It could be making ravioli, or lasagna, or any other pasta. Wait, but, and if you took this metaphor, literally, you might be autistic. So... Yeah, that, that, that, I was just about to say that, that sounds a bit of a stretch, like as an example, trying to think about how that makes sense. Growing up, I hated doing the dishes because of the smells and sounds and slimes. I was obsessed with everything having to do with cats and would often dominate conversations just to talk about my interests. I found maintaining eye contact to be very unnatural and uncomfortable. Yep. And I'd cry at the sound of automatic flushing toilets. Yeah. And honestly, I still find the sound... Maybe not cry, but I like it though. Hey. You've got to shut the... But the response to this was always, you're being dramatic. Shut the toilet seat. Or you're not too much. Or you're so sensitive. And to be fair, that's what it looked like on the outside. Who doesn't think dirty dishes are gross? Who isn't passionate about their interests? Who didn't find... Here's the thing, because that's... That's what we were saying about the thing with Hassan, it's like the specifics of the questions. They're like, oh, well, yeah, of course, nobody likes fire alarms and stuff like that. It's a very autistic way of processing what questions people are asking you, just being like completely dead set, like direct and literal about what questions someone's asking you. Like, I found that particularly with like, exams, all that interview questions and stuff, you know. Which of them do in seventh grade? Oh, just me then. We've detected some copyrighted audio or video in your screen. Is this copyrighted audio and video? When the criteria for recognizing autism was first created, it was rooted in very old outdated and prejudiced... Can you guys hear the music I'm playing in the background? ...experience of young white boys. Therefore, due to social constructs, like, girls are so emotional. My suppos- That's a very sexy... ...reactions to things were just chalked up to the F I got on my birth. And I can only imagine how much worse it is for people who aren't white like me. So for a while, I... ...so if he says that I hate animation like this about autism makes me feel like it's a kids thing. Why is it that I'm getting notification that I've got some copyrighted audio or video? Is it because they've used some copyrighted audio or video to make their stuff? ...turnalize this feedback. It felt like the phrase, just be yourself, applied to everyone except me specifically. But news flash, in case you haven't noticed, I'm weird. Why is it doing that? You see that this definitely shows like my new kind of introduction to doing streaming. Just be yourself if you're here. Yeah, I identify with that a lot. Sakurai says also the question thing, like, what I'm always wondering is in which of the many possible answers could it be and what Adam will know someone wants the answer to be. Yeah, it's like what are you exactly looking for kind of thing, you know. I don't know why is it that my streaming is going to be temporarily blocked? That is incredibly irritating. Is this like a YouTube thing? Is this like screaming over? If I switch to my face, does it actually make a difference? I think we're just going to try and go for it, you know. Oh, he says that it's switched off. Okay, so it may actually just be this video. I might have to skip this video, guys, sadly. Sometimes when you play a lot of another person's content and you don't talk enough, it will do this. Okay, I got you. I'm a weirdo. I don't fit in and I don't want to fit in. Have you ever seen me without the stupid hoodie on? Yeah, I think that might be might be the thing. So I'm gonna, I'll try and like pause it and talk about it a little bit more. So yeah, I mean, I'm liking this video. Maybe YouTube algorithm is so bogged down trying to monitor BS. It doesn't even know its eyes from its feet anymore at this point. Yeah. Like I'm definitely talking over it. Properly. I'd study how others would act and try acting more like them. More That's that. That's the mimicking. This is called masking, which sometimes worked and sometimes it didn't. So when I was 11, I was on this weekend retreat kind of thing for church, but I didn't have many close friends in my youth group because they found me weird and didn't really like interacting with me. I also I did have like one, one particular friend when I was younger, like, like throughout my life, I've always had just like one particular person, like who I'm really good friends with. And then the rest of the people just can't see me as like this weird person. And they don't really want to talk to me. So some of them did, some of them like interacted me, but not like in like like a proper friendship that is more like a group kind of atmosphere thing. Didn't have many friends in school. In fact, I was getting bullied for unknown reasons. Oh, wow. Okay. Point is, I didn't know how to interact with people properly, but I knew mimicking how others interacted with me kind of worked. So we get to the lake and there's this giant cross in the middle, we get out of the van and this one kid grabs his bags and says, Oh, I can't wait to get inside and he runs ahead of us. So I mimicking the kinds of things that worked for other kids decided to say, and I can't wait to see you trippin ball. This is trying to like, so short socially mimic it and just completely don't get the point of it. My God. It's bringing up memories, man. Bad memories. Yeah, that's one of those things that like keeps me up at night. So yeah, I didn't understand why being myself wasn't allowed or why copying other people wasn't working. So I tried doing nothing. I did my best to quiet my brain and hide the person I was, which was so easy. Oh, all right, that's good to hear. Oh, no, I was being sarcastic. Oh, man, it's okay. They got the sarcasm card. There. Now, yeah, the thing is, when I was younger, I used to be really bubbly, like outgoing, talkative kid. Like I wanted to like connect with everybody. I was a very social kid. Like in new situations, I tend to be a bit more apprehensive and like standoffish with stuff. But definitely like when I was younger, I tend to be a lot more sociable and I wanted to speak to people as probably a little bit happier with myself and about myself. So yeah, I mean, that definitely resonates with me. And I did go into kind of a period where I was like, I tried so hard to try and fit in with these people and it's just not working. So I just became very kind of isolated and secluded and I became very much like a wallflower to a lot of people. Rachael C says, yeah, I had some really bad incidents trying to mimic by copying jokes I'd seen on TV and it didn't work at all. Selfie, very embarrassed about this. I think there's a term for that. It's called like movie mimicry. The interesting concept. I'm going to make a post about that, I think at some point as well. Another one. Humor and sarcasm sometimes goes over my head and right into my fragile heart too. Dude, did you just destroy my bed? Yes, I hate you. Wait, what? You do? You mean it? What? No. Why would you talk about that? Well, if I explained it, it's not funny anymore. It wasn't that funny to begin with. Dude. So yeah. No, like, I think for me, I really struggle with maintaining friendships or relationships with people who doubt verbally affirm our friendship or whether they like me or not. It's a bit of a weird thing. It's kind of like, and when people say stuff like that, it just kind of hits a little bit. I don't overly focus on it and it calls like an issue for me. But like definitely, it definitely does happen. Like direct communication is really, really important for me. Hello Ruby blue croissant star. How are you doing? All my life, I felt like my brain was shaped like a bean, but everyone else's was shaped like, like a legume, which I think is a legume. Okay, yeah, beans are legumes, but not all legumes are beans. For example, peas, lentils, and peanuts are not beans, but are legumes. Yeah, this world was made for tough nuts. I am a squishy little chickpea. And sometimes I could swing it, tossing my garbanzos into recipes and hoping things worked out. But sometimes I couldn't because I can't. Like, how would you feel if you've been into your Reese's Cup and found out it was a fucking bean cup? You didn't get mad at the beans? Do you think they want to be there? Look at them. It's a different way of living, perceiving, behaving, navigating the world. Ruby blue croissant says, man, I hate that. I just think it's, it seems like the person is kidding. I think they're serious. And when they are kidding, they're actually being serious. Especially when being obsessed over something. Yeah, this happens to me quite a lot. We're all going to be in hell. I'm doing good. No worries. This is for anyone who doesn't know the first long stream that I've been doing. I'm going to see how this one goes if it goes well then it might do more. But it does take up a lot of my time. I think it would probably be going for like two hours and a half now. Probably going to round up things half past. So if you are enjoying this, please let me know. And yeah, you can just call me Ruby at the shop. Thanks Ruby. This is what hell looks like. I would know because no matter what I do differently or how hard I try, this is my brain. This is how it works. Fucking bean cup. Yeah, it's, I know that when I was a lot younger, I was very hard on myself. Very hard on myself for not fitting other people. This video is kind of a weird mixture of professional content and like off the cuff kind of, you know, like improv kind of style to it. So life can really suck if you're atypical. People look at you weird, treat you differently, infantilize you, ignore you, take advantage of you, and even hurt you. However, something important I should point out is there's nothing wrong with me or anyone who is neurodivergent no matter where they are on the spectrum or how you perceive them. There's nothing about us to be cured. Like I said, the world just isn't made by or for beans like us. I don't know, Elise. You don't seem autistic. Wait, what do you mean I don't seem autistic? Well, you don't act autistic. You have a job, you talk to people, and you can take care of yourself. So you think autistic people can't be smart or capable? No, no, no, it's not, I'm saying it's just you don't look autistic. You think autistic people can't be hot? No, I don't think I'm hot. No, it's just you're great. It's just I don't think you're autistic. Like my cousin is autistic. He's nonverbal. He has to wear headphones everywhere so he doesn't get overstimulated. And he really, really likes trains and you're nothing like him. Well, yeah, of course I'm nothing like him. We're two completely different people. That's why it's called autism spectrum disorder, not you act like my little cousin disorder. That's the thing that a lot of people who make those comments kind of hinge on the like, oh, I know this person. No, this autistic person. So if you're not exactly like this person, then you are found to be autistic.