 The Avid and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camel, stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. The music of Freddie Ridd, Teddy's Orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes, tonight's guests Sally Eilers and Alan Hale, water brother star of Adventures of Mark Twain, and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Excitement. Oh Abbott, the big circus, you've seen the town and I've been out watching the parade. After them come to clowns and after the clowns came the beautiful Lady Godiva. I don't know, what came after Lady Godiva? Me and every sailor in California. Costello, aren't you a little old to be following parades? Ah, not me Abbott, I'm crazy about circus parades. I love those big elephants. Whoa, some people like to be firemen and squirt water through their nose, but I like to be an elephant and squirt water through my nose. Unquote. Alright, never mind. Look, never mind the circus. Boy, get that laid. Alright, never mind the circus. Never mind the circus. We have other things to do. Oh yes. Yes, but I can't forget about the circus, Abbott. I come from a family of circus people. My Uncle Rallo was the world's greatest tightrope walker. Yes. Until he broke his neck. Well, how did he break his neck? One night he was tight and the rope wasn't. I see, I see. Yeah, I had an uncle. He was six feet tall. He used to stick his head in the lion's mouth. What's his name? Now we call him Shorty. No. Alright, Costello, I've heard enough. Let's change this stuff. Oh, Abbott, you're talking about the happiest days of my life. What fun I used to have in a side show. I always used to tickle the tattooed lady with a feather. You tickle the tattooed lady? What for? To see moving pictures. They're moving pictures. Ah, but she finally had to leave the circus, Abbott. You mean the tattooed lady quit? No. She had her face lifted and threw all the pictures out of focus. Costello, now don't try to kid me. I don't believe you were ever near a circus. Oh, yeah? Well, here's a picture of me taking with a U-Bangie girl. Let me see it. I see the U-Bangie girl, but I don't see you. I'm sitting in the shade of her lower lip. No! Look, Costello, just what did you do at the circus? I used to train the wild zebras. You trained wild zebras? Mm-hmm. Now don't make me laugh. You don't even know what a zebra is. Oh, don't. A zebra is a black horse with Venetian blinds. Oh, it's Ken Niles. What's cooking, boy? Nothing's cooking Niles. You brought that aroma in with you. No, no, no, no. I'll cut that out. Say, Ken, Costello was just telling me that there's a circus in town. Did you see the parade? Oh, indeed I did, bud. I know all about that circus. In fact, my lovely wife helped bring the circus to Hollywood. What did she do? Pull one of the wagons? Now look here, Costello. You can't compare my wife to a horse. You're right. Her ears are too long. Ah! Costello, will you be quiet? What did you mean, Ken, about your wife bringing the circus to town? Well, bud, my wife is co-chairman of the Big Hollywood Benefit Carnival in circus. Mm-hmm. She's been up every night preparing for this big carnival. That's why she has those little crow's feet under her eyes. Little crow's feet? Brother, those crows must have been wearing baseball shoes. Oh, I heard that remark. You overgrown hippopotamus. Take it easy, Costello. What are you wearing? Ow, never mind. Sit outside. He wants folk to you. An army man? What does he want? He wants you to replace a tank for active duty. Now, do you see what you started, Costello? Always fighting. Nobody will like you. Oh, I don't worry about that, Abbott. I'm the kind of guy that grows on people. The only trouble is, Costello, a little too much of you grew on you. Are you sure it's told him that time? Yeah, you killed you, don't you? Oh, darling, you're wonderful. To me, you're the only woman in the world. Oh, and Kenneth, my love, you're the only man in the world. You're the only woman in the world. Oh, and you're the only man in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just been listening to Adam and Eve. Stop it, please, Costello. Mrs. Niles. Ken was just telling us that you're co-chairman of the Hollywood Benefit Carnival. That's right, Mr. Abbott. And I'm asking all the movie stars to donate their services. Well, I don't know exactly what I can do, Mrs. Niles. But Costello here was just telling me that he used to be with a circus. Costello with a circus? What cage was he in? The cage was I in. I was in there with a little menace somebody. I used to manage the great minestrone, diver in the world. I didn't know I had to continue. He used to dive 500 feet from the top of the tent into a pail of water. Dive 500 feet into a pail of water? Nobody can do that. He did it once. I didn't know what he did. Well, Costello, never mind what he did. What can you do in this circus? For example, are you an equestrian? I'm an American. No, no, Costello. Now, how would you like to ride there back? What, in front of all those people? Listen, you dummy, do you know anything about trick riding? Oh, you mean, you mean, am I an equestrian? Well, it's different, Abbott. I'm the best trick rider ever saw. You are? One time in a circus I rode two horses standing up. One foot on one horse and the other foot on the other horse. Then what happened? Suddenly an elephant came between us. One horse went one way. I'll bet that was a laugh. Traveling the equator off the west coast of South America are the Galapagos Islands guarding the Pacific approaches to the Panama Canal. To American stationed in the Galapagos Islands, the United States bases and outposts throughout the world go camel cigarettes by the million, by the ton. For camels are first with men in all the services according to actual sales records. And the camel cigarettes that reach the Pacific islands as well as the camels that reach you are fresh. Cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Both at home and overseas, more people want camels now. More people want the fresh cigarette, the cigarette with more flavor. So remember, if your store is sold out today, camel cigarettes are worth asking for again. C-A-F-E-L-S Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of costlier tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. There are many requests for speak low. Step over and see JoJo, the dogface boy. Say, hey, hey, I wouldn't bet what a shit dogface boy. Say, ain't you Lou Costello? Oh, yeah. You can go in for nothing. What? courtesy to all freaks. And come on, Costello. We're expected at the manager's office. Mrs. Niles told her we'd be here. Wait a minute. Oh, here it is. Pardon me, miss. We'd like to say Costello. Look who it is. Sally Islay. Oh, they're about that. It can happen to anybody. You fellas are just in time. The show's about to go on and our lion team are quit. Costello, do you know anything about lions? Do I know anything about lions? Of course I know a lot of things about lions. What time I went lion hunting in Africa with my brother, and I brought back a stuffed lion. What was the lion stuffed with? My brother. You don't have to be afraid of this lion. He was raised on milk. So was I. But I eat meat now. No, but he could gun meat for pieces. But Costello, this circus is for charity. You mean you won't go into that lion cage? No. Why should I risk youth, security, and beauty? Well, perhaps lion taming is too dangerous. However, you can help at one of the concessions. Come over here with me. Now walk this way. I can't walk that way. Why not? You're wearing high heels. Will you please, will you find out what's going on around here? Now, what do you want us to do over here, Sally? Well, bud, you and I will stand out at the counter and sell these baseballs. And, Costello, you stick your head through that hole in the convent. And what am I going to see through that hole? Well, you might see some big stars. You mean like Ginger Rogers and Lana Turner? Oh, no, no, no. More like Jupiter and Mars. What studio do they work for? I know that head of Mars, but that Jupiter's not. I don't know. I know, but don't be stupid. Go ahead now. Come on. Be a nice little boy. Stick your head through that canvas. That's fine. All right, folks. Step right up. Three balls for life. Hit the little boy on the head. Hey! I'm talking about you, Costello. The people throw these baseballs at your head. If they hit you, they get a box of candy. Now you get a box of aspirants. No, no, no. That first word was funny, wasn't it? You know what you do, Lou? When you see the ball coming, you duck. Yeah, but suppose I forget to duck. Oh, we've taken care of that. We furnish you with a safety cap. If the ball hits you, it bounces off the cap. Yes, ma'am. But did you ever take into consideration what makes the little ball bounce off the little cap? My head! You can get hurt. Oh, no. What happened to the guy who had this job before? I took it. Oh, here he comes now. Step aside. Let the stretcher by. Stretcher? Stretcher? Hey, Evan. I'm going to ask this guy on a stretcher question. Hey, buddy, did those baseballs hurt you? How does your little head feel? Oh, my little head feels fine. Oh, good. In fact, I feel absolutely normal. Oh, that's so nice. I'm so glad you came to see me, Miss Lamar. Miss Lamar! Now, don't be such a coward, Costello. Put your head back in that hole. And I'll throw a few practice balls. Get ready now. Now, here comes the first one. Costello, get up. Get up off your knees and stop playing with those marbles. What marbles? I'm picking up my teeth! In such a fact, please, you are standing on the tooth that I used for my essence. This is for charity. Now, go ahead, bud. Throw another ball. It'll attract the crowd. Why should the sirens blow? There's a block! There's a block! There's a slip on my head of hair, because it'll cost me double. I'm coming from you, Costello. This is a benefit and for charity. And they need a hard-headed man like you, and you want to crawl. And you should be ashamed of yourself. I guess I'm an inquiry. I'll say you are. You could make hundreds of people happy. Think of the fun they could have throwing baseballs at your head. But no, you're selfish. You want to quit and spoil their pleasure. I'm sorry. I'm a regular killjoy. Yes, you are a killjoy. Think of the mothers and fathers who bring their little kitties, little teeny weeny kitties down here to laugh at you getting hit on the head. But do you care about the kitties? Do you care about the little teeny weeny kitties? No. No, not you. I'm always thinking of myself. Please don't call my scout, Master Rummy. Well, I should. Oh, please don't. If you do, he won't take me to the bar pits. My dear, I just came from the main tent. The wrestling match is about to start and something terrible's happened. What's the matter? Did you forget to pull out the tights? Did you forget to get your tights or something? What kind of type is this? Nothing of the sort. We arrange for a professional wrestler to take all cunners, and he's broken his arm. We must get a substitute immediately. Someone with stamina, strength, and courage. And that's my Anna's Lukas fellow. Yes, that's my Anna's. My brother was a wrestler and he got a terrible cauliflower ear. Nothing lots of people have cauliflower ears. Yeah, but his is creamy. I've got an idea. Look, Lou, they'll announce you wrestle anybody. Then I'll jump into the ring first and we'll pretend to wrestle. That's all there is to it. I've got a better idea at it. Why can't I wrestle Sally Island? Oh, but Lou, that's silly. Boys don't wrestle with girls. Oh, she's so young. Get out of here! 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They've got what it takes. All right, Costello, the tent is filling up. Are you all rest for the rest that match with me? Yes, I'm already at it. How about looking these wrestling trunks? Wait a minute, what kind of trunks are those? What's that riding across the seat? Oh, that lights up, Abbott. And what does it say? Come to Joe's for dinner. What a spread. All right, all right. All right, let's get out there. The crowd's waiting. Hey, look, Abbott, remember one thing. When they call for volunteers to wrestle me, be sure you're the first one to get in the ring. There's some pretty tough guys out there. I don't want to wrestle any one of them swing shift workers. Why not? Because when they swing, I might not shift. You wait here in the locker room, Costello. I'll see if they're ready. Oh, bud, bud, Abbott, I've got some wonderful news for you. We've got a great opponent for Costello to wrestle. I want you to meet Alan Hale. Where's that little meatball partner of yours? I want to bounce him around a little. But wait a minute, Alan. Costello expects to wrestle me. Oh, no. He's my pigeon. I'm collecting way fat. Gee, Alan, I don't think Costello's in good shape. Oh, don't worry. I'll straighten him out. I think I'll go in and take a look at the body. But don't let on that I'm wrestling him. I want it to come as a pleasant surprise. Oh, Lou, a friend of yours wants to say hello to you. Alan Hale. Oh, hello, Alan, oh, boy. Did you come over here to watch me wrestle? Watch you? Why, Costello, I want you to feel that I'll be in there with you every minute. And tell me, Costello, have you ever had any wrestling experience? Oh, sure. One time I wrestled a champion of an African tribe. You bangy? Yeah, and he'd bangy me right back. Cut it at me. Boys, now, we can't stay in the locker room. The crowd's waiting. Okay, Sally, and don't worry, Abbott. I won't hurt you one bit. That's right, Abbott. He won't lay a hand on you. He is our guest star. Well, let's go, Costello. Into the ring. On at 93 pounds. Hey, Abbott. Ha, they're trying to make you look good, Abbott. Ha! What a brush set of unipartial. What are you making of pictures? You have pictures of Mark Twain. What's the matter? Hey, we can get in. Why are you framing me? Hale, I'm supposed to wrestle you. Abbott, for somebody? He certainly know much of you. Come on now, Costello. I'm going to slam you on that canvas, step on your gizzard, and hit you on the head so hard you'll be wearing your socks for a turtleneck sweater. Oh, yeah? I think you can do it. Let's get on with this wrestling match. I'm the referee. And as the referee, there's one thing I insist on, a clean fight. I want a clean fight. And I want a clean fight. Then why don't you two guys fight? I get kind of dirty. Quiet, Costello. Pay attention to the referee. Yeah, that's another thing. As the referee, I am not interested in either one of you. I am playing no favorites. No favorites. You understand that, Costello? Yes, sir. And do you understand that, Mr. Hale? Yeah, Charlie. And tell your sister I'll be over at nine o'clock. Wait a minute. I haven't hailed this out with the referee's sister. Right back there, Costello. Now, remember, at the bell, shake hands. I don't have to shake hands. Mine is shaking already. Fear sport, Costello. Stick out your hand. Okay. My hand. Allen. Allen. My hand. I can always use it for a fly swatter. Start the wrestle. Remember, one fall takes all. Costello, get in there. Get in there. Go, Costello. I'll mop up the floor with you. Oh, yeah. Let me tell you something. You show me a tough guy and I'll show you a coward. You know, Costello, here's a toehold. You're putting up a terrific fight. What do you mean, he's afraid? He's afraid he's going to kill me. Get that, Costello. I'm going to give you a body slam. Wait a minute. Stay down there. Don't keep jumping up. Hold. A little something that will settle this whole match. See if you like this hair plate. You ain't got no pilot slashes, Hale. Let me go. Here you. There's a crowd's waiting for you to get back into the ring. Get out from under those seats. Abbing? You're not. You're talking like a coward. Where's your backbone? Yeah, Costello. Where's your backbone? Thanks to the angst of the week, tonight we salute Lieutenant Colonel William Leveret of Lake Slen, South Carolina, who has been awarded the Distinguished Service Cross for extraordinary heroism. Leading a flight of only seven American fighters over the GNC, he sighted 30 German planes about to bomb in a light convoy. He attacked immediately, and knowing that his ammunition was limited, waited until he was dangerously close to each German plane before firing. Colonel Leveret personally destroyed seven enemy planes and damaged two others, while the other six pilots destroyed ten more without a single loss. In honor of you and your men, Colonel William Leveret, the makers of camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the four camel radio shows honors the yank of the week. Send 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. The total of more than a million camel sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravan to thank audiences of more than three and a half million yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week, a short way to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Duranty, Saturday to Bob Hawke in Thanks to the Yanks, Monday to Blondie, and next Thursday to Aberdon Costello with their guests Miss Linda Darnell. And now here's Abbott with the final word. Thanks, Ken. Well, Costello, you certainly made a fool of yourself tonight. Now, I want you to be very careful next week with Linda Darnell. Why, Abbott? Well, you know, Linda used to be in the circus business and the mind-reading act invodable. She can read your mind. She can't read my mind, brother. Hello, hello, hello. Oh, hello, Linda. Abbott, Miss Linda Darnell. No. Hello, Linda. What are you now? Well, Costello, can you read Linda read your mind? She must have. It's the first time I ever got slapped over the phone. Oh, good night, folks. Good night, neighbors. Miss Linda Darnell. Remember, get camels for more play. If you're looking for a cigarette, it won't go flat no matter how many you smoke. Get camels for more play. This is Ken Niles wishing you a very pleasant good night from Hollywood. More pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the whole world. Here's one reason why. Prince Albert's used your pipe from biting your tongue. Yes, sir. Because Prince Albert's no bite treated to give you cool tongue-happy smoking comfort. PA's crimp cut, too, to pack and burn and draw just right. 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