 The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with Sing My Heart. Oh, everybody likes to receive a compliment. It makes you feel mighty happy. And we've just received one which pleased us very much indeed. It's from Mrs. George A. Bradley, Garden City, Iowa, and Mrs. Bradley writes, After a long time, I am finally using the real and genuine Jell-O. And let me tell you, I was amazed at the difference. At first, I thought that fruity goodness was the fruit I myself had added. But when I served Jell-O without any additional fruit, it still had that grand fruit flavor. Why, I could hardly believe any gelatin dessert could be so good. From now on, I shall always get the real Jell-O. Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Bradley. That's a swell letter. And folks, it's true that Jell-O does bring you delicious extra-rich fruit flavor. It's a rich, satisfying, true fruit goodness that makes every Jell-O dessert a success. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon and lime. All six have that extra fruit flavor that simply can't be topped. So be sure to insist on genuine Jell-O when you buy. Look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O. Ladies and gentlemen, Tuesday being Valentine's Day and also Jack Benny's birthday, let us welcome our little Cupid with that old, familiar greeting. Are you ready? Happy birthday to... Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny talking and folks, believe me, I am deeply touched. Don, wasn't that lovely the way our audience joined in on that greeting? Gosh, it was so spontaneous and sincere. Yes, Jack, it certainly was. I thought they were better when they rehearsed it. Phil, I'm talking to Don. Well, Don, another year, another birthday. Here it is, February again. You know, it's amazing how many prominent people were born in the month of February and it made it pretty tough for me, too. Why? What do you mean? Well, with Washington and Longfellow and Lincoln, it's so hard for me to be outstanding. Really, it's been a terrific struggle. I can imagine. Of course, Don, I don't want you to think for a minute that I'm comparing myself to Lincoln or Washington. Why not? Washington wore a wig, too. Phil, I'm talking to Don. You know, Don, I will say that my father really thought I was going to grow up to be president. Well, all fathers have great plans for their children. Why, my dad thought I was going to be a jockey. A jockey? Well, he must have looked at you through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars. A jockey yet. Now, wait a minute, Jack. Don't jump at conclusions. At the age of 17, I was nothing but skin and bones. Well, those bones are certainly buried now. But you know, Don, getting back to my birthday, the years come along so fast, I can hardly keep track of them. Oh, they certainly do. Oh, by the way, Jack, how old will you be next Tuesday? What was that, Don? You heard him. Phil, I'm talking to Don. Well, I'm lonesome. Why don't you join a lodge or something? What are you saying, Don? I said, how old will you be next Tuesday? Well, come on, Don. What would you say? Go ahead, give a guess. Well, I don't know, Jack. I'd say somewhere between 34 and 37. You would? Well, you didn't quite hit it, Don, but it was almost a bullseye. There's bull in there somewhere. Oh, brother. Listen, Phil, you're hardly in a position to make any cracks about my age. Those bags under your eyes are so big your nose looks like a red cap. It does, eh? Yes, and get this. On my 75th birthday, I'll be able to go out on an all-night party, eat a Welsh rare bit with pickles, and on the way home get run over by a milk wagon, and still look better than you do right now. So don't make any cracks about my age. Jack's right, Phil. He can't be very old and have such nice rosy cheeks all the time. It could be rouge, you know. Rouge, Phil, I haven't had rouge on my cheeks since I played an Indian chief for Cecil B. DeMille. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, ran in the face. Happy birthday. Hug and thanks. Say, Jack, I didn't know whether I'd see you Tuesday or not, so here I brought you a birthday present. Oh, that's well, Mary, but really you shouldn't have bought me anything for me. Why not? For one thing, it makes Phil and Don look so awfully cheap. You know. Well, Jack, I was going to get you something, but after all, you have everything. Oh, I can excuse you, Don, but Phil saw me in the locker room at the country club yesterday, and he knows darn well I need underwear. Was that your underwear? I cleaned my golf clubs with it. Oh, you did, eh? Hey, are you going to open my present or not? Oh, I'm sorry, Mary. You bet I'm going to, and right now. Imagine cleaning his clubs with them. Well, I'll be darned, look, fellas, a silk necktie. Gee, thanks, Mary. Do you like it? I'll say what a lovely color. But what's that little thing crawling around the bottom? A silk worm. The tie hasn't finished yet. Oh, well, he's going like 60, so it won't be long now. Thanks again, Mary. And that is now. I also wrote a special birthday poem for you. A poem, too? Well, hit me on the head and clip my tongue. A birthday poem. Yeah. Now, say, Jack, how old are you anyway? Well, how old do you think I am? Oh, I don't know. It's hard to tell. Go ahead and guess. Okay. 30. Now. 31. Now. 32. Now. 48. Shut up! It's been a long time, Mary, before I'm 48. Now, let's hear your poem. What's the title of it? Mary Livingston's Ode to Jack Benny by Mary Livingston. Oh, you mentioned me, too, didn't you? Well, go ahead, Mary. Oh, Jack Benny. Oh, Jack Benny. You've had birthdays, but how many? Is it 21 or more? Or twice that much? And more and more? Hmm. Years ago, when all walked Keegan, in the state of Illinois, a child was born into the Benny's, and it wasn't Myrna Loy. Well, of course not Myrna Loy. It was a boy. They called him Jackie. And even then, he looked quite wacky. Wacky? And the good old stork who brought him there shot himself with a revolver. Now, Mary, that wasn't his attitude at all. Quiet. I see you, Jack, at the age of two, with golden curls and eyes of blue. That's right. And then I see you three years old, with silver threads among the gold. Mary, how could I have gray hair at the age of three? You didn't live right in your north. All right, now grow me up and finish this. Okay. At 12, you said you'd run away unless the fiddle you could play. And when you got one, what do you think? Were you good or did you tink? Tink? Yeah, baby talk. Well, Mary, this next verse better be the last one. It is. Oh, Jack Benny. Oh, Jack Benny. You've had birthdays, but how many? So happy returns and all good wishes. From us in jello, so delicious. The end. That poem was so good, I'm afraid to follow it with anything verbal. So Phil, how about an orchestra number? Wait a minute, Jack. I can't find my baton. Your baton? Can't you lead without it? It's not that. I got something in my tooth. Well, go ahead. I'll look around for it. Hold it a minute. Come in. Mr. Benny. Yes. I'd like to take this opportunity of wishing you a happy birthday. And may life grow sweeter as the years roll by. Well, thank you very much. Now tell me, who are you? Just a bunion in the March of Time. Goodbye. You know, folks, I'll bet he has more fun than anybody. Play, Phil. A new number called I Better Get Some Shut-Eye played by Phil Harris, who certainly looks it. You know, folks, Phil never gets to bed. He's what I'd call one sleepy people. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Wait a minute, Jack. I resent that vitriolically. Vitriolically? Well, some stuff. Well, Phil, you're not only using the word wrong, but you don't even know what it means. I do too. I got it from my guitar player, didn't I, Frankie? Yeah, I learned you a lot of things. That's what I thought. Phil, Phil, there isn't one man in your orchestra that can handle a word of over two syllables. Is that so? Well, for your information, all the boys in my band went through college. Well, they didn't get any on them. Vitriolically. Well, I don't even know what it means. Well, Jack, it's an unusual word, but I think I can explain it to you. You can, Don? Well, yes. For instance, you could never use the word this way. A man walked into a grocery store and vitriolically asked the grocer for a package of jello and any one of its six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. Oh, you couldn't. Well, how could you use the word vitriolically? That I wouldn't know. I see. And very clever, Don. Well, so much for our English lesson. And now, going from the sublime to Kenny Baker, say, hey, Kenny, you're a little late, huh? I couldn't help it, Jack. I stopped in the store to buy you a birthday present. Here you are, a nice box of candy. Oh, well, thanks. Well, gee, I'm going to sample one of these right now, huh? It was sweet of you to remember me, Kenny, but gee, you didn't have to buy me anything. That's what you said last year, and you twisted my wrist. Oh, Kenny, I was only clowning, you know? Say, gosh, look at this. Say, these are the biggest pieces of candy I've ever seen. What are they, anyway? Chocolate-covered bananas. Chocolate-covered bananas. Well, that's something new. Here, have one, Don. Well, thanks, Jack, but I'm cutting down on sweets. Oh, how about you, Phil? No thanks. I'm not a bit hungry. Mary? No thanks. I'm not a bit crazy. Well, Kenny, it looks like you and I'll have to eat the whole box. I'm game. So why? That's a suicide pact if I ever heard one. That's right. Let's forget the whole thing. Well, Kenny, how about a song? Okay, I've got one for you. Oh, say, Jack. Yes? Did you hear, Fred Allen, I pan a you Wednesday night? No, and I'm not interested. Now go ahead with your song. Boy, he sure tore into you. Yeah. He said your feet were so flat, your socks bagged with the arches. Well, Phil, I'm not even going to answer them. After all, the man is in bad shape. You know, he's so weak and anemic, and on top of that, his blood circulation is so poor, it's really pathetic. Allen has poor blood circulation, huh? Poor Don. Ten years ago, a rattlesnake bit him on the ankle, and the poison has yet to reach his knee. And the square fellas, he hasn't got any more pulse than a snowman. The whole thing is really pitiful. Go ahead with your song, Kenny. Okay. Say, Jack, whatever became of that rattlesnake that bit Fred Allen? It was knighted, Mary. And now, Kenny, you may sing. Hold it a minute. Hello? Hello, Mr. Bennett. This is Rochester. Yes, yes. What do you want? I got something to ask you, but first I want to wish you a happy birthday. Thanks, Rochester, but my birthday isn't until Tuesday. I know, but that's my payday, and we always argue. All right. Now, what was it you wanted to ask me? Say, boss, do we know any Eskimos? Eskimos? Of course we don't know any Eskimos. Okay, so long. So long. Hey, Rochester, wait a minute. What made you ask me if we know any Eskimos? Well, boss, a big box just came for you and said happy birthday on it. Yes. And when I opened it, there was a polar bear inside. A polar bear? Oh, it can't be a real bear. It must be a rug. That's what I thought till it slapped me down. You mean you let that bear loose in my house? Where is he now? He's in the bathroom taking a cold shower. In my bathroom, Rochester, you go right in there and get him out. Boss, I wouldn't go in there well armed, tired of living in directly behind Frank's book. Oh, this sounds fantastic to me. Rochester, I'll bet this whole thing is nothing but a figment of your imagination. What's that? The figment wants a towel. My goodness. What am I going to do with this bear anyway? Put him back in the crate and have the cook look up some recipes. I bet Fred Allen had something to do with this. Well, Rochester, keep your eye on him. I'll be home in about half an hour. Okay, boss. I got to run along now. There's something breathing on my neck. What? Wait till I look around. Yep, that's it. So long, boss. Imagine that. What's the matter, Jack? Plenty is the matter. There's a polar bear loose in my house. I told you you should have put in a furnace. Yeah, that would be a big help. Sing, Kenny. Say, Mary, I wonder how much it would cost to send an alligator to New York. Nothing in the world I wouldn't do. Everything sung by Kenny Baker and Kenny for finesse and feeling and delicacy of tone. You are definitely preeminent among young American tenors. Gee, ain't I something? Yes, and I wish I could tell you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, in honor of Valentine's Day next Tuesday, tonight, the Benny Art and Bingo Players will present a romantic little drama about an old maid entitled Love Finds Annie Hardy. Or it's about time. Now, uh... Am I going to be Annie? No, Mary, I hired a genuine old maid for the part. Where are you, Miss Mildew? I mean Miss Muldew. Where are you? Right here. Control yourself, Miss Muldew. Now, in this drama, I will be Annie's father, Mary will be her maw, and Don, Phil and Kenny will be rivals for Annie's hand. Oh, no. Come me up. Come back here, all of you. Don't worry, Annie. We'll hook one of them. I hope I get the fat one. Why, Don, you're blushing. Anyhow, the locale of our play is the thriving little town of Off-Center, Indiana. As the scene opens, we find Mawnpaw seated in the parter of the Little Love Nest they built 50 years ago. Curtain, music. Love, your magic spell is everywhere. Tum-tum-tum-tum-tum-tum-tum-tum. Well, Mawnpaw, here it is Valentine's Day, and the air is full of romance. It is, eh? Yep. Well, open the window and let it out. Oh, come on, Mawnpaw. This being Valentine's Day, how about a little kiss? Get away from me, you old fool. Okay. I couldn't find your lips and all those wrinkles anyhow. I was only joking, Mawnpaw. This is no time for jokes. Our daughter Annie is 40 years old and she ain't married yet. Well, she'd have been married long ago. It wasn't for her hay fever. What's that got to do with it? Well, the fellas can hear her wheezing a block away and she can't sneak up on them. You sent her down to the beauty parlor to get a mud pack like I told you to? Yeah, but she had one last year and it was no good. Why not? After three days, the dirt and mud wore off. Oh. She's the homelyest gal I ever seen. Well, like mother, like daughter. Hee-hee-hee. Ow, stop hitting me. If I wasn't petrified, I'd be black and blue. Speaking of Annie, what's the idea of getting her all dressed up today? Well, I got a scheme, Mawnpaw. There's only three single fellas left in town, ain't they? Yep. There's Tubby Wilson, Daffy Baker, and Twitch Harris. That's right. I invited all three of them up here today and it's our job to get one of them to marry our daughter. How do you know they'll show up? Hee-hee. I told them you were going to do a fan dance. All's fair in love and war. I bet that's one of the boys now. Pull your bustle up, Mawnpaw. That's the footstool. Oh. Come in. Howdy, folks. Well, if it ain't Twitch Harris. Hi, Twitch. Fine-earned silk. What's on your mind, Zeke? Got an important question to ask you. Here, have a glass of cider first. That'll get him, Mawnpaw. Cider? Hey, wait a minute. This stuff ain't intoxicating. It better be. Quiet, Mawnpaw. Say, Twitch, I don't want to seem personal, but have you ever thought of marrying a girl and settling down? If you're referring to that lafair daughter of yours, no. Now, hold on, Twitch. Have you seen Annie since she got her new teeth? Yeah, I went to the preview. Well, she may not be the prettiest gal in town, but she's smart and stylish. You know, she got her hair up. Up where? Upstairs. Upstairs. Keep quiet, Mawnpaw. We got to get our daughter married. Say, Zeke, I thought you were going to raffle Annie off. I tried to, but I couldn't sell any tickets, so I changed it to a duck. A duck? That's cheating. It is not. She walks like one. Mary, I wish you'd shut up. You're cramping my style. Guys, I bet that's Annie now. Let me out of here. Twitch, Harris, get away from that window. So long. Dog's gone that low down, Harris. He stole him a jug. Don't get excited, Pa. You can get another jug. Yeah, but where the heck can I get another finger? Dog's gone it. Well, Mawnpaw, let's see if we can land the next one. Come in. Good evening, folks. Well, well, look, Mawnpaw. It's Tubby Wilson. Hello, Tubby. Have some chairs and sit down. Yeah. What's up, Zeke? Tubby, how'd you like to marry my daughter, Annie? Annie? Hold them all. You can put your glasses on. Too strike, but we ain't out yet. Come in. Hello, everybody. Well, it's young Baker. Son, I'll make it short and snappy. How'd you like to get married? I don't know. Is it fun? Ain't nothing like it, my boy. How'd you like to tie up with my Annie? Gosh, I couldn't do that. Hold on now. Just give me one reason why you don't want to marry my daughter. She frightens me. We'll get used to her. Now, listen, Baker, if you take her for your bride, I'll treat you both to a honeymoon at Niagara Falls. Niagara Falls? Can I push her in? That's up to you, my boy. What I don't see don't hurt me. That's right. Just get her out of the house. Yes, siry. Okay, it's a deal. Come in. Come in. Oh, it's you. Hello, Annie. Hello, Pa. I got good news for you, gal. Young Baker here is consented to make the supreme sacrifice. He's going to marry you. And I got good news for you, too. I already got myself a husband. A husband? Cheapers? Creepers. So you're married, eh? Well, where is he? Out on the porch. Come on in, mister. Mister? There ain't much to him, is there, ma'am? Well, he's a man. That's more than we expected. Hey, hello, everybody. I'm in, young feller, and congratulations. What for? Hey, if you don't mind my asking a personal question, how'd you come to marry him a daughter anyway? Well, I'm a traveling salesman. I was just getting off the train when this girl grabbed me and put me seated right in the silver faucet. And I didn't know where the private seat and faucet was seated at night, so it fell to me. And you brought the seat right in the private seat and brought the seat to the private seat and brought the seat to the private seat. And here I am. Oh, she took you off your guard, eh? Yeah, and not only that. You know, the seat was part of the tour, basically, where the private seat and faucet was seated. I didn't want to private seat and faucet was seated in the room. It's time to bring me the faucet and the faucet! And you're hooked just like I was. Hee-hee! Play, Phil. But your family is sure to enjoy. You needn't look any farther, because here it is. It's the new Jell-O chocolate pudding, chocolate pudding with that old-fashioned homemade goodness. It has a lovely rich texture, a satin smoothness, a tempting color. And it tastes swell for its real chocolaty, full-flavored and rich, so delicious that every creamy spoonful brings you back for more. And the Jell-O chocolate pudding is just one of three new Jell-O puddings. There's Jell-O butterscotch pudding, mellow and smooth with a golden, taffy color that tempts your appetite. And a true butterscotch flavor that satisfies it. And then there's Jell-O vanilla pudding, creamy and delicate and inviting and all family favorite. And these three new Jell-O puddings are all quick and easy to make. The simple directions are in every package. The good idea is to buy three packages at a time. So ask your grocer tomorrow for Jell-O chocolate, butterscotch and vanilla pudding, the real homemade kind. It's the last number of the 20th program in the new Jell-O series, and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. And oh, yes, I'd like to take this opportunity of congratulating Boy Scouts and their leaders everywhere on their 29th birthday anniversary of Scouting in America. You know, Mary, I used to be a Boy Scout when I was a kid. Now someone has to help you across the street. They do not. Good night, folks. The maker appears on the Jell-O program for courtesy of Mervila Roy Productions. This is the National Drug Testing Company.