 Yeah, but what time is it? It's time for the ebb and castello show We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the ebb and castello show Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure with Susan Miller in the music of Maddie Mallet hold on to your tears full for here They are but ebb and Lou Costello Where did you get that black eye a girl what happened? I popped the question if she popped me back Why did she pop you back wrong question? I? I tell you you've got to have more back bone with girls When you with a girl is hurt yourself. What do you mean? Well, just say look babe Either you do what I want you to do or go jump in the lake. I tried that what happened last week They pulled six girls out of the lake Don't take me for instance. I'm very popular with the girls. Oh, yeah, so you remember the girls at the Glendale laundry Yes, they voted you the guy they would most like to mangle That was mingle is not mangle, but remember castella back in Paterson and the girls got us to join the Paterson bowling and necking society Yes, we ought to go back there sometime and do a little bowling Well, I gotta leave you now, but I'm running for door catcher in Glendale. I've got a right out of speech You're running for public office. What do you know about politics live back in the Jersey? I ran for state senator once but my opponent made a wonderful speech and promised every voter $6.00 $60 a month and he was elected three thousand to nothing Three thousand and nothing didn't you even vote for yourself heck? No, I wanted at $60 to Real laughs with our zamy stars tonight, but before they continue listen to this Fishing in the Los Angeles River. Oh, that's silly. If you catch any fish in that river, there'll be too old eat What do you mean? There's so little water in a Los Angeles River that the fish are seven years old before they learn to swim I'll never mind that I'll throw you in Hollywood. Yes, they buying a palette paint and brushes Are you thinking of becoming an artist? I am an artist have it and I've got a beautiful model It comes in my house every day. I'm painting her in a bathing suit, but she wants to quit why she wants me to put on more clothes Well, she started yesterday she came at nine o'clock I was painting her until three o'clock and at six she went home Wait a minute if you stopped painting her at three o'clock. Why did she stay until six? It took her three hours for her to get the pain off her skin. Hi And boy is she a beautiful girl ever she six foot five the last night when she left I kissed a goodbye I'll wait a minute. How could a little short guy like you kiss a girl six foot five? My brother put me up to it. I You waited you were painter. I don't think you ever painted in your life That's so well here is a picture. I drew of a railroad train. You drew this picture of the train All I see is the engine. Where's the train the engine draws a train Yeah Here's another sample of my work. It's a painting of my uncle Mike drinking a bottle of gin Wait a minute. All I see is an empty bottle. Where's your uncle Mike? How do you like that? He passed out of the picture Who's your odd teacher Lou I'm studying with Rembrandt you dope Rembrandt has been dead for 200 years I was wondering why he never charged me for any lessons Are there any other artists in your family well my uncle Jim Kelly is a very unusual painter He paints men and women. Well, what's unusual about that lots of artists paint men and women on doors, right? Look if you want to be an artist castella, why don't you learn to edge? I was thinking of that I was but I had that again. I said edge. You should learn to edge You've got to learn that certainly My little nephew Tony that's just all over he never took a lesson in his life No, no, no, he had a seven-year Real heart and did it in three. No, no Course you can do a lot of good etching in seven years. Oh sure But this is the etching is like engraving you you scratch on a copper plate I have to scratch on a copper plate. That's certainly why can I scratch word it? Forget about etching. Have you ever done any commercial paintings? Oh sure. I'm painting a calendar now here. Take a look at it That's a calendar. All I see is an unfinished picture of a beautiful girl. Where are the dates? I'll make those when I know the girl better You know the pain girls, why don't you try bathing beauties? I tried that habit those beauties won't let you bathe them Well, I gotta go now, but I gotta deal with my new girlfriend. She's a lady wrestler I think she's in love with me. I'll make you think that lady wrestlers in love with you last night. She bent me into the shape of a heart Run for your life run for your life quick boys run for your life. Well, what's the matter? Why should we run for our life? I just deliver them to the newsstand and I'd be so lost in a minute, right? That was that a step you folks Why don't you take them down at a brewery have it and see if they can't put her head on them? Don't worry about don't worry about nominees a very talented boy studying sing and when he finishes his course He'll there be another common Lomardo Must we have another common Lomardo Lombardo Lombardo all lay off him I tell her remember this is a free country right have it I always say that a man is entitled to life liberty in the pursuit of women. You're right No, no, no that's pursuit of happiness. You pursue what you like and I'll pursue what I love People have per Susan here is our singing star per Susan Miller. Hey Abbott, who writes your stuff? All right is they work very hard They spend 12 hours a day in their office over a typewriter, and why is this script written in pool chalk? That's no way to introduce Susan Miller. Well, how would you introduce her Abbott? I would give it plenty of class for instance. Well here listen to this Ladies and gentlemen, we are very fortunate in having with us tonight a great singing star miss Susan Miller Miss Miller comes here to this program direct from a 40-week engagement in New York City on the Astor roof where she was laying tarpaper Lady Ladies and gentlemen this little girl Susan Miller is going places and if I had time I'd go with her For her selection tonight, she will sing that touching ballad mother stay away from that oatmeal salesman Or you'll let you have it in the mush During this number. She will be accompanied by Maddie Malek and his you can have them. I don't want them They're too flat for me orchestra During this number you will hear a feature solo by the band soloist Rudolph and his magic pressure cooker Pardon me. Hey Abbott, what's this game doing out here? Costello that's Susan Miller. Oh, yeah, come on Heard those remarks and I want to talk to you. You mean you want to talk to me Lou Costello in a flesh No, just the way you are will be all right Now what's the idea of telling people that I laid tarpaper on the roof of the Astor hotel you didn't certainly not it was a Biltmore hotel By the way Costello, I noticed you were out with another girl last night. Shame on you Costello You're supposed to be going steady with Susan and you out with another girl Who was she? I don't know but she was very classy. I'll tell you who she was She's the girl that washes cars in the filling station across the street I wondered why she wore those rubber gloves with her evening gown Well, if you're going to go out with other girls and I'm going to start going out with other men that's telling him Susan You can get plenty of dates. I'll say I can why just this evening a handsome stranger walked up to me on the street And asked me for a date. Gee Susan. I hope you wouldn't go out with a total stranger. I should say not I told him off You did yes, I said sir How dare you talk to a beautiful single girl that lives alone at 1537 Vine Street on the second floor an apartment six in his All was home evenings after nine o'clock You certainly told him off I thought you were going to get chummy with him Susan you better let me take you home tonight. This is safe for a pretty girl like you to be on the streets alone Oh, that's ridiculous. I carry a revolver in my bag and I'm an expert pistol shot I studied jujitsu and I also carry a dagger and I'm a pretty good knife thrower Susan will you do me a favor? What? You take me home And if you promise never to go out with another guy any other guy but me I'll get you in pictures How dare you are you trying to bribe me? What nerve? What gall? What studio? Hey, you what a joke. Yes And you you quit worrying about getting girls in pictures and start worrying about this radio show Costello, I've got an idea that would really help this radio show. Uh, what is it? Well have jack benny on every week if we had jack benny on every week. They wouldn't need me You catch on fast So long pat so He had a good idea all comedians need help on the radio Bob hopes got colonna that he can I has the mad russian edga bergen's got charlie mccarthy Then there's harry james Well harry james isn't a comedian. Oh, but look what he's got You idiot you're lucky you've got me. Where would you be without me? And where would you be without me? Where would you be without me? Well, we came out even on that one We can't have a joke after every line I Get some new ideas for this program. Hey, hey fellows. I got a I got a new idea Manny mellock, you keep on at us. Your job is to take care of the band. What's the matter with the band? I didn't say anything about the band. I like the band. You've got one of the finest bands in the lower priced field Hey castella, manny, what's the idea you have? Why don't you let me do some of my recitations Like for instance, hey dittle dittle the cat in the fiddle and the cow jumped over the moon That's mother goose Rubber dub dub three minutes of what's that? That's unsanitary Abbot malnick ain't got no talent. We're wasting time if you want some new ideas for this program Why don't we put my pal the drummer on now? There is a clever fella. All right, bring him up here Come here, Oliver. Do you call me? Yes, Abbot I want you to meet our drummer Oliver store cheese Oliver store cheese. That's a very odd name Well, that's only a stage name. What's his real name victor store cheese Well, what is he going to do seeing dance? Are you kidding? This guy is a real lovely He can pick a five-gallon jug of hard cider and one continuous drink without taking the jug away from his lips Oliver, you must be a very fond of cider. Yeah, well every time I see your apple. I want to squeeze it With me, it's a peach. Oh, you kid All right, just a second. Is this cider really hard hard go ahead Oliver show them hard enough, Abbot Now go ahead Oliver pull the cork Okay, I'm ready now. I will drink the five gallons without taking even one breath One gallon two gallons Three gallons and not a drop on his chin This guy's gonna scut themself Abbott he did it. How do you like that boy? This fellow is loaded with talent. He's got a little cider in him too Oliver the hell is a great sudden I'm sure that the radio audience must hear a few words from you say something Oliver Still to come but right now a change of pace to let you hear this I'm not worried about it. Abbot if the radio goes on a blink I can always go back to my old racket, you know, I used to be a sculptor the sculptor Yes, I used to make marble two-pays for ball-headed statues I understand you boys are looking for a new idea for your radio show and I have just what you need My name is Benny Rubin. Castello. This is Benny Rubin the famous Broadway comedian Doing out here in California, Benny. I came out here for my liver. What was your liver doing out here? Did you have a good trip from New York? Yeah, I came in by plane Though we nearly had an accident. We ran into a skyrider. Oh my goodness. Did you hurt the skyrider? No, we missed him, but we knocked the H out of honor's john Annoying the hostess when the plane landed in Kansas City, they kicked them off. Was the rest of the trip pleasant? I don't know. I took the bus in from Kansas City Stop this and pay attention Castello. Mr. Rubin is a great actor Uh, he wasn't he was in that picture of the naked city. That's right. I saw that picture in Boston, Rubin I didn't see you in it in Boston. They made us change the title. They called it the bathrobe city By the way, Rubin, I'm quite an actor myself. Did you see my last picture? I hope so It was a great picture and I'll prove it to you. Did anyone out there in the audience see the news hangs high? I did and I want to say that it was the finest picture that was ever shown in a theater in this country It was a great picture. It was a grand picture and your acting was superb. Thank you, sir Is there anything else you'd like to say? Yeah, louis mom said on the way home to buy some meat Get out of here. That's so popular You even have to bring your relatives in here for your radio show. That's not so these people love me They come in here because they want to see me. I'll prove it to you Is there anybody that don't want to see me act and wants to go home? I do Anybody else stop this nonsense castella Benny What would you suggest that we do to build up this radio show? Well, the best way to do it is to let the audience participate in the show. Well, I was thinking that if we What did you say? You should allow the audience to come up on stage and participate They wouldn't dare They haven't got the nerve That's a good idea that Benny had how would you suggest we we do this you know about this better Well, I'll tell you we'll invite some people up from the audience We'll get them to do some cute little stunts and then castello gives the money and prizes and everybody will be happy Now that sounds good castello people like to win things Oh, yes, I remember my aunt may was the first person to win prizes on a radio show She won mink coats diamond rings washing machines sets of dishes radios and everything And then she put all those things in her hope chest. That was 30 years ago. Did she get married? She never married but that was the start of the make company Hey boys, how about it? Shall we get some people up on the stage and get things coming? Hey, this sounds like fun, Benny. How about you, sir? Would you come up here? You sir? Hey, thank you, sir. Would you stand right here, please? Thank you Now, uh, what is your name harry brown and your occupation? I'm a pickpocket Uh, don't you know it's wrong to take money dishonestly that's dishonest boy. Do you what do you do for a living? I Wait a minute boys, let me handle this Now, uh, when the audience came in tonight, we gave our door prizes What did you get when you came in the studio tonight? Three wallets of top coat and a diamond bracelet No, no, sir. I didn't mean that. What did you get from our sponsor? Nothing. I didn't know where he was sitting I forget the question and let's get on with the show Uh, mr. Costello will ask you a simple question and if you don't answer it, mr. Costello will think a think up a stunt for you to do Now I want you to answer this question before the bell rings. What country too late you missed Sit down there for a minute and I'll think up a stunt field And here's our next contestant this young lady. Now. Uh, what is your name miss? Magnolia Randolph. Oh gosh, you're pretty Are you sure that's your right name magnolia randolph? Yeah And I have a gold identification bracelet on my ankle. It'll prove it. Here's oh my gold ankle is gone. That's right, bud That's her name Hey, you give her back that bracelet And have I thought up a stunt for you, mr. Brown Mr. Rubin will you take uh, mr. Rubin come over here You take uh, mr. Brown out on hollywood boulevard Now here is a big big basket of bricks Your stunt will be to break as many store windows as you can and get back here before the program is over Now in the bottom of the basket, you'll find a bomb You throw that through the window of the bank of america Are we three devils? Well, there goes mr. Brown with benny rubin Have fun boys have fun And now let's uh, let's get back to this young lady. Um, what do you do for a living? Well, I'm a dancing teacher. Oh, that's funny. My aunt armor's a dancing teacher She teaches the rumba but she's not working this week. Why not? She caught a cold on her hips and can't shake it off Back home in your lands all us girls listen to you. I'm a southern bell You're a what? I'm a southern bell Let you and me go out tonight and kick the gun around That's a lovely dress you're wearing. Oh, it's not much. That's what I like about it Brings out your eyes Mine too Is that a southern dress shown up? It certainly does How do you like hollywood miss? Oh, it must be just wonderful to live here in hollywood among all the big movie stars Sure is I live right next door to betty gravel That must be wonderful. Mm-hmm every morning betty gravel sings in her bathtub and this morning I stink right over close to her house. Yes, brother. Can she sing? I Now for this nonsense castella nummies I am going to ask you a question if you answer it Your stunt will be to kiss castella now. How many just me honey Wait a minute castello. I didn't ask her the question. I know but why wait till the last minute? Here's your question The tomb of the egyptian king tutt was built five thousand six hundred and forty two years ago What was the name of the foreman of the bricklayers? I think hard A night shift no, no, no wrong. He was on the day shift And you have to kiss castello for our next convention. Wait a minute Here comes mr. Brown the man who stunned The man who's done it was to throw the bricks through the winners on hollywood boulevard Hey, and don't forget the bomb in the bank of america, but he had fun Hey, look, he's got a cop with him. Yeah I caught this fellow doing the funniest thing He was throwing bricks through all the windows on hollywood boulevard He says he gave him this show Yes, officer. We did it for a stunt. He couldn't answer the question we gave him It serves him right you should have seen him He didn't miss breaking one window in six blocks Company Just lucky I I was sitting in my sport car castella kid show You can win over 20 thousand dollars in prizes including a five thousand dollar airplane a three thousand dollar automobile a live baby elephant A three thousand dollar house trailer and thousands of dollars more in big prizes You can win them all by entering this contest folks And at the same time you'll be doing your part to fight juvenile delinquency. It's really a worthwhile project folks So remember to tune in saturday morning. That's over abc saturday morning the abboton castello kid show You can hear it over most of the most of these same abc stations. See you saturday. See you next Wednesday night, too Good night, folks. Good night, everybody in paddison A great abboton castello show produced and transcribed in hollywood by charles vanda and featuring susan miller and matty malnick's orchestra This is michael roy saying goodbye until this same time next wednesday Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this abc station