 Created by Psyhauer, who started his new life in America, he promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mamabasco in Italy. I feel very good because after school, my night to school classes come into my store for a little bite to eat. It's all the world custom I'm like to see in America. I remember the snacks that you used to make for the mailman, the baker, Fruccio the bricklayer, Uncle Pietro, and his goatee. Mamamia, how that goatee could eat. I'm gonna never forget the time when the postman is a drinker, too much wine, he's a fall asleep, and the goatee's eatin', he's almost dashin'. I remember how mad the postman is he get. For the whole year, he's a refusal to deliver mail to the goatee. Wait to get ready for this little bite. I'm a maker for my friends tonight. I was a wenter to the supermarket. You know what this is, Mamamia? Well, you take the Colosseum in Rome, fill it up with the groceries, put in a tenner cash register, and that's to the supermarket. Everything is a look so wonderful there. I'm a wentiner to buy a lemon. Somebody's gonna give me a little baby carriage. I'm a pusher around at three hours is a cost of like twenty dollars. I'm a come out with a half of the store. But the worst of all, I'm a forgot the lemon. You know what about this, you get together later. Right, so now I'm gonna go to my night to school, a class. Mr. Basko? Here? Mr. Harwith? Here? Mr. Olsen? Hey, hey. Mr. Schultz? Gesundheit. Mr. Schultz, say present, not Gesundheit. I did not sneeze. All right, so I owe you a present and you owe me a sneeze. This class would be without me. All right, Mr. Schultz, that's enough. Now, let's get on with our spelling lesson. Now, all of us have mastered such simple words as cat, rat, and bat. And we've gone even further and tonight I'd like to try you on something more difficult. So, who will volunteer to spell the word foreign? Well, any volunteers? Oh, for the good old days of cat, rat, and bio. Well, somebody's spelled the word foreign. How about you, Mr. Harwith? All right, foreign, F-O-R-N. Mr. Harwith, you're missing something in the middle. Thank you, Ms. Spaulding. I'm glad you noticed I'm losing weight. Spaulding, please. I'm not sure, but maybe I try. For an F-O-R-I-E-G-N. Well, that's a good try, Mr. Vasco. You just made one small error that's very common in words of this type. Ms. Spaulding. Well, yes, Mr. Olsen. I think it's about time I stepped in and cleared up the whole problem. What a showoff. Go ahead, Mr. Olsen. Yeah. Luigi fell into a trap because he followed the rule I before E except after C. However, the word foreign happens to be an exception to this rule in a spell F-O-R-E-A-E-N. Good, Mr. Olsen. There he goes, destroying the whole beautiful atmosphere of ignorance we just built up. No busy thinking up wisecracks. Now, suppose you stand up and give us an example of that spelling rule I before E except after C. I before E except after C. Well, uh... Well, go ahead, no excuses. All right, all right, I go to the window and I see E. I go to the window and I see I. No. E-C-E? No, no, you don't see anything. Somebody pulled down the window shade? I will not tolerate your attitude any further. I suggest you go home and study your lesson. No, Ms. Spaulding, please don't do that. I think I can take a joke as well as anybody, but this is too much, you may go. But I wouldn't say anything. I'm just going to listen. Quiet. No, please, please, Ms. Spaulding. No. Please, please, don't send a shot to home. After class today, you was only going to come to my stuff for a little bite. That's right, Ms. Spaulding. It would be nice if we could all come together. Ah, you and me, Ms. Spaulding, let's all stay. Please, we're going to have such a nice time. Hammer got a wonderful thing to eat. You're going to like the food, you know. Well, all right. Mr. Schultz, you can stay. Ah, saved by the Salami. Sorry, and yes. How do you spell, friends? I don't deserve such classmate. Ms. Spaulding. Oh, yes, Mr. Baskoff? Please, do you mind if I'm leaving now? You see, my minister is on his stove and I'm going to add some water. It should come out to juice the writer. Also, I'm going to put up with the coffee, make the dough for the pizza, and a boiled chicken. Oh, of course, Mr. Baskoff. You may leave now and we'll all see you later. Thank you, Ms. Spaulding. Goodbye, Schultz. Goodbye, Mr. Spaulding. Goodbye, goodbye, Luigi. Ah, that Luigi is our prince. Hmm. I can just smell that minestromy soup now. Oh, that's right, Horowitz. And I can just taste that pizza right now. That's the longest nose and tongue I ever saw. His store is a mile away. Mr. Schultz, I've heard enough. As far as I'm concerned... Mr. Spaulding, I didn't mean please. Don't do nothing. I hope it won't hurt your restaurant business, Mr. Pasquale, but your water will be shut off for only the next three hours, from nine until midnight. That's all right, Mr. Silly Man. If it's emergency, you've got to fix it as soon as you've got to fix it. So if it's no water and I've got to wash it my face, I'm going to wash you with a wine. And I guarantee you my nose is going to be much happier. Well, you're not the only one affected. The water is being turned off for four blocks around. Don't worry, fellow next door's Luigi Bosco. He's my countryman. He's at night to school now. Oh. I tell him about the water being turned off for when he's come back. Oh, thank you. Besides, he's not going to be in the store because he's taking my daughter Rosa to the movies tonight. Ha, ha, ha. Only he don't know it yet. Well, thanks again. Well, I've got to get moving and notify the rest of the neighborhood. Fine. I'll show you to the door. Fine. Good night. Good night. It's a nice night. Fresh air's good for the lungs. Oh, what a sky. Look at those stars. Each one is as shiny like a diamond tip on the table. Starlight, star bright, the first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might. I wish you Rosa was a Luigi's bride. Baby put on your coat. It's a color shine. Hello, Pascal. Luigi, my friend. Hello, Luigi. Hello, hello. Hey, little banana nose. Swirl from school. The teachers are giving you time off for good behavior. Ha, ha, ha. No, Pascal. Tonight I was asked... Ah, what's the difference? It's a work out of just the five. Man is a put a poster in the wind. He's giving me two free passes for the movies tonight. It's a play out of my friend Neumann with a Marie Wilson. Well, Pascal, I thank you very much, but I'm not going to go. Besides, even if I could go, why would I need a two tickets? Because when you go in that darker movie and you go walking down the aisle, is there going to be a certain somebody by your side? You know who's it going to be? The ocean. No, Pascal, I'm not taking your Rosa to the movies. Friends are from my night school, a class that they're going to come over to my store tonight. And I'm going to give them a bite. Luigi, is that a nice... You would bite your friends over and you bite them? That's against the pure food law. Well, Pascal, please, excuse me. I'm going to my store and get the food already. Hey, listen, you've got no right to turn me down so fast. Do you hear me? I'm going to add water to the minestrone, put up with some coffee. Water for the minestrone and for coffee? Oh, Luigi, I think I'm going to go along and help you out. Thank you, Pascal. I'm glad to hear you talk like that. Ooh, look at the minestrone. There's a cooker way down. Excuse me, Pascal. I've got to add the water faster. So funny. Nothing from the hot either. What's matter, Luigi? Pascal, I'm going to turn on the faucets, but nothing has come out. Not even the water? No. No water. That's funny. Chicago is a no dry state. Pascal, what should I do? I'm going to cook my chicken with no water. What am I going to cook it in? Dry Pepsi Cola. That's no good. It's going to make it a chicken, a bulb. No, please, please, Pascal. I don't joke. It's a serious. That's the first time since I'm in America I should have no water. Why? Well, there could have been lots of reasons. You know, first of all, in America, everybody's assigned their quota of water. You know what a quota is, don't you? I know. What is it? Ooh, how ignorant. Quota is two pints. You use up your quota. Tell me, how many times a week can you take a bath? Pascal, I'm obeyed to myself every day. Luigi, that's not the patriotic. Don't you know it's America the custom to take a bath only on a Saturday night? For Pascal, I can't do that. You can't do that. You've got to do that. Don't you know the saying when in Rome I do like the Romanians, though? Thing, if I was to go around and tell everybody Luigi Bosco to take a bath a seven or eight nights a week, he's un-American. In this country, you've got to learn to save a water. Where do you think it comes from? Heaven? I don't know, Pascal. Then I tell you, it's made in the dam. Please, don't use your attention. I've got a right to, Luigi, because if you, my water, was turned off of two. Me, fellow who's a sacrifice himself for his country. You know, I ain't taking a bath in a month. But the whole neighborhood is to run out of water, too. Well, Luigi, you know I'm your friend. I always affix you good. You forget your friends in the party. Take a Rosa to the movies, and while you're gone, I'm going to straighten everything out. By the time you come back, maybe he's going to be water. But, Pascal, you said it before, he's in no more water. All right. Then I make it a city, run a pipeline from some soda fountain. At least we have a salsa. What do you say? You were in no position of bargaining, you know. You've been a violate the most important law in America. The I-W-W. I-W-W, what's it after? Immigrant, the waste in the water. I'm going to give up this snack idea, take a Rosa to the movies, or else I'm going to call in at the neighborhood. They're going to tear your pieces. Well? But, Squally, you give them me no choice. That's a good one, my son. Call in at the neighborhood. This is in just a moment. But first, are you one of those folks who likes to relax with a good who-done-it book? Well, this Saturday night, you can relax without the book, and hear an exciting who-done-it thrillingly presented over most of these same CBS stations. That's when Raymond Chandler's famous private eye, Philip Marlowe, goes on another search for dangerous criminals. Once you've heard this, you will listen every Saturday night to the Adventures of Philip Marlowe. For the second act of Luigi Basco's Adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. And so, mommy, I'm a hate to write you this, but it looks like everything is a fall of truth for me. I'm going to make a snack for my class. Now I'm going to get a nut and a snack I'm away to. Anyway, Pasquale has given me five minutes or more to change my mind, and I'm wondering if these are things which he told me is really true when it is the coming shows. Luigi, my fellow boob! Ah, hello, Pasquale. Hello, Mr. delicatessen man. Come on, Luigi, roses are waiting. What waiting? Luigi invited us all over for some good Italian food. Is there going to be no food tonight? No food? Why not, Luigi? What's the matter? Well, I'm going to shoot, I don't know, he's a long story. Pasquale says that the neighborhood is going to tear me to pieces because the IWW don't succumb from heaven. So he's getting a paper liner from Pepsi, call a company, the Romanians are going to take a bath and a salsa. Luigi, are you for shimmers? Forget what Pasquale says and tell me in plain English what happened. Sure, sir. I'm not going to cook the food because there's no water in my house, sir. Ah, what a stupid cop. Luigi, didn't you ever hear of a blammer? Sure, he's a heard of a blammer. What do you take? Is it death? Listen, I shall just stay out of this to keep it your nose and your old face. Sure, sir, you mean I can still make it to eat it? You think a plumber is going to bring it back to the water? Ach, certainly! What do you think a blammer does? Zells plums? And you'll stop listening to Pasquale, then for the plumber right away. In ten minutes with a wrench he makes poof, puff, another twist, puff, poof. You got water? Oh, shucks, that's so wonderful. I'm a center for the plumber right away. Good, that's the way to talk. Well, as long as the food ain't ready, I'm going to go home and change. Well, goodbye, Luigi, and be like me. Smile, Luigi, smile. My rheumatism is killing me. Why you're not telling me before I'm a could-a-call-a-plumber? Look, Luigi, I'm a no-argue. I'm your friend. I'm a say plumber's is a no-helper. But if you want a plumber, I know plenty. I'm a glad to call a one for you. Well, please, Pasquale, call a plumber and a fast. I'm going to get the food ready. Sure, but first you go tell a rose you can and take it to the movies. And meanwhile, I call a plumber for you. All right, Pasquale, thank you. I call a plumber. Silly fellows that say they turn the water off for three hours. Well, then, Luigi, pay. Hello, a one of plumbers? I want you to send your most expensive man over here. It's a big emergency with the water. What? At 90, you charge a double a time? Listen, I'm a very rich fellow. I'm a willing to pay triple a time. Even a four-pole. This is a 21 and not the whole status treaty. Goodbye. Well, he's still going to have no water until he gets it at a bill. Oh, what a big rat I am. I'm not a mean fellow, but when somebody is across from me with my daughter, it's a bring the jackal out of my hide. Do nothing but a bang on the pipes. What's he doing? How should I know? Maybe he's asking a janitor for steam. Or do you took a Schultz's advice and sent him for him? Why don't you go talk to him? See how far you get. Mr. Plumber, you found out yet what's wrong? He is. It's very simple. You see, there was a single inch and a half threaded outlet with a miter joint metal rim that looked like it might be grazing the brass tap and the cast valve. But when I went through the half-clog grain line, I decided to use the electric Roto-Rooter and grind through the corrosion. Get it? Everything. Trouble is that you talk express, I'm a listener local. I'll be down in the cellar if you want. Come see your guests. Come on, I'm here. Hi, everybody. Friends, I'ma feel terrible. I'ma gotta buy the noses. What's wrong, Mr. Baskov? Well, when I'ma come back from school, there was no water in my store. I'ma know how to boil a chicken. I was unable to make a dough for a pizza. Ministran is a cooker down in Tornac and there was no coffee. Anybody want a life-saver? Well, Mr. Baskov, don't be upset. It was nice enough of you to plan this little get-together. We can just sit around and chat. Besides, I'm not really hungry. I had supper before I came to class. I don't feel like eating. Go as far as I'm concerned, Leviti. Food is not important. Himmel, I could eat a horse. I think we'll win the World Series. Oh, I think the Dodgers. Oh, they got a real fine pitching. No, I think the Yankees. That Joe DiMaggio could really hit a ball. Wouldn't I love to be out to that series? Yes, it would be thrilling. There's nothing like a ball game. You can say that again. I can just see myself sitting in the stands and munching on a nice, big, juicy hotdog. Just thinking about it makes my ma... Oh, Leviti, I said something. Ah, did you read it in the paper about the big fire last night? Yes, imagine the whole 43rd Street Butcher's warehouse. There have been thousands and thousands of pounds of barbecued spare ribs. Friends, I'm gonna get a half a box of soda crackers in the kitchen. If anybody's a want, I'm a big lad. Ah, you're a little pumpkin ahead. I've been watching you. I'm a no-wanna buddy. Anybody who's miserable enough? Come on, everybody. Come next door to my spaghetti palace. I haven't got a refrigerator full of food. Tell me, you can eat all you want and consider Luigi as your host. Oh, Pascuali, you're wonderful. How am I ever gonna pay you back? Don't worry, I'm a figure out or something. Leviti, what's the hurry? The night is young yet. Oh, no, no, it's time to go. Goodbye, Mr. Basko. Goodbye, Mr. Pascuali. Good night, Mr. Spudding. Thanks for coming. Leviti, did you tell the two that was the first time I ever ate pizza? Oh, that was delicious. Well, you thank a Pascuali. Next time you taste my own, I think you like, too. Luigi, it was a wonderful idea of yours. This getting together after class. Next week, my house. My wife Esther makes the most wonderful potato pancakes. They just melt in your mouth. Good. On the week after that, you come to my house. Oh, my wife makes me a schnitzel. They also melt in your mouth. But when they get to the heart, I don't give a guarantee. Oh, Pascuali, you're wonderful. I don't know how I'm ever gonna pay you back. I don't know either, because you check for the food they ate as they come to $32. How do you charge me for this? Sure, I'm a charge. You heard. I'm a distinctly sad Luigi as the host. Well, Mr. Vasco, I got that water going for you. Boy, it was a tough job, but skill will tell. 12 o'clock on the nose, that water started gushing. That's a diploma. I'm gonna forget all about you. Yeah, well, here's a little reminder. Use of materials, time and labor, $28. $28 for water? I'm gonna get that much money. What are you, a wise guy? All right, Mr. Plumber, Luigi's a good angel. Pascuali is a helper again. Here's your $28. Okay, that's better. So long. You're so bad to me, then you're so good to me. Why you pay the plumber? Luigi, and we got a confession. I call him the most dispensable plumber, so you shouldn't get stuck with a big bill. What? But I did it wrong. I realized when I was eating the chicken or the bone as it got stuck in my throat. Even the chicken was a hate to me. Well, Pascuali, how could you? Luigi, don't chap-size me, please. Believe me, from now on, I'm gonna turn over a new leaf and to show you how much I'm trying to make up. Look, I'm gonna tear up your check. Oh, Pascuali, you're good, man. What more could I say? Don't say anything. I may not do favors because I might want the favors back. Of course, if you feel I'm gonna do good for you and you feel you've got to do something good for me, just do anything you're grateful to heart doesn't feel like. All right, Pascuali, call her out. Nice to see you. But wait a minute, Mr. Hiswater wasn't no offer, it was a minor. I'm Mr. Baskoff from the next door. Oh, well, you see, we fixed the sewer and shut your water off for three hours. What? And nobody's gonna tell me about this, see? Oh, Mr. Pascuali, you told me you were gonna tell them. Well, Pascuali... He wants it done, is it done? It's a no-use, so go by. But are we... Right, Pascuali. Well, what about a rose? So what do you say, my son? Introduce... But my idea for a little get-together is to come out to good after all. Pascuali is a try to fool me, but I'm a found-out-the-big-thing. In America, you get all of the water you want. Costs to you nothing. And unless you call a plumber. Then it's a different story. Otherwise, anywhere you go in America, there's free water, in the parks, in the fountains, in the big buildings. And if you come into your son's Luigi's store, you're gonna find one bathtub, two sinks, a coffee pot, and a thick kettle of full of water. I'm not gonna be caught again. You are on your son, Luigi Vasco, the little immigrant. This is a side-howard production, and is written by Mac Benhoff and Lou Dermond, and directed by Mac Benhoff. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Vasco, with Alan Redis Pascuali, Hans Conrida Schultz, Mary Shipp is Miss Faulding, Jody Gilbert is Rosa, Joe Forte is Horowitz, and Ken Peters is Olsen. Music is under the direction of Lod Dwaskin. Bob Stephenson speaks. It brings laughter to millions week after week. That's something to be proud of. A show that wins a coveted award in competition with all others of its kind. That's something to be proud of, too. And when a show comes along that does both, CBS proudly passes it along to you. You'll hear it starting tomorrow night exclusively on CBS, The Groucho Marks Show, You Bet Your Life. Groucho Marks, Bing Crosby, Burns, and Alan. There's your unbeatable line-up every Wednesday night this fall on CBS, where you hear them all. Toon in this fall For the shows that you love best of all Listen carefully, here's the address. It's CBS, CBS. Stay tuned now for Hit the Jackpot which follows immediately over most of the same CBS station. This is CBS, The Columbia Broadcasting System.