 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. In a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. And today, tomorrow, always, L-S-M-F-T No doubt about it. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette. So remember, L-S-M-F-T Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes, fine tobacco. Season after season, at market after market, independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers and warehousemen can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently selected by that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. Real Lucky Strike tobacco, that means a fine smoke for you. Yes, for your own real deep down smoky enjoyment. Smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Symm perilous and all τα. A Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, I bet you often wondered what happens immediately after a program goes off the air. Well, let's go back to last Sunday. Jack Benny has just finished his broadcast. Cuttle чего, we're off the air! Well, folks, how did you like the program? Well, I'm glad you did. Ladies and gentlemen, you were a wonderful audience, just wonderful. And I'm looking forward to seeing you all here in the studio again. You'll never see me again, Bub. What? I wouldn't sit through another one of your shows if I was in the front row. Your guest star was Sally Rand. Her balloon had a slow leak and my wife wasn't with me. Well, look here, look here, Mr. You're too fresh. No, you'll never get tickets to my show again. What tickets? Last night I'm walking down the street, a guy throws a sack over my head, gives me a bump on the noggin, and when I come to, I'm sitting here in the studio. Gee, I know my producer wants all the seats filled, but I wish he'd stop using that blackjack, you know? Jack, do you mean to say the only way you can get an audience is to have your producer go around hitting people on the head? Well... Gosh, and I always thought, before we'd go in the air, that bong bong bong were chimes. No. No, no, Mary, that's three more coming in. Last week, one guy's head was out of tune and loused up the whole network. But we just, we just give them a light tap on the head. It only raises a little bump. Little bump? Yeah. My bumps got snow on it. I mean, well, don't blame the weather on me. Anyway, mister, the show is over, so you can go. Okay, okay. This is the last time I pass NBC without a helmet. All right, all right. Hey, Jackson, I'm going to run along now. Oh, just a minute, Phil, I want to talk to you. What is it this time? Well, Phil, I can see now why that guy and the rest of the audience have no respect for our show. Why? What did I do? Phil, do you have to have that bottle of bourbon sitting on the table right next to you while you're leading the band? Certainly. When I use my hand to give the boys a downbeat, they ain't going to bring it up empty. What? Can I go now, Jackson? The ice in my pocket is melting. Phil, Phil, I can't understand you. Standing out here on the stage in front of an intelligent audience, 350 people with bumps on their heads. And you act that way. I can't understand you at all. Nobody can understand me, Jackson. I'm a character. People love me for what I am, for what you are. Well, that and where elephants go to die are the two unsolved mysteries of the universe. Believe me. But look, Phil, Phil, I'm not asking for good music. All I'm asking is that you and your orcs to look dignified. This is a big radio show. Tell your boys to take down that clothesline they got stung across the stage there. That's no clothesline. That's a direct wire to San Anita. San Anita? Now cut that out! What a bunch of guys. Phil, look at that new violinist you got sitting there during the whole program wearing a derby. Derby that's a bump on his head. I have trouble getting people too. That I'm sure of. Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack, why don't you stop picking on Phil? As long as I've been with you, you've had trouble with your orchestra leaders. Me? Yeah, I'll never forget how magic got to Johnny Green when he wanted to put four clarinets in the orchestra. Well, that's where you're wrong, sister. Even though I was paying for it, I had no objection to Johnny Green adding four clarinets. I know, but you made him hire one man with a wide mouth. Well, I thought it would be novel. And oh, boy, what George Olson went through with you. He even took a swing at you. So what? I was plenty fast, wasn't I? I'll say you were fast. By the time Olson took off his coat and rolled up his sleeves, you ran out of the building, took an eye test, and came back wearing a pair of glasses. Oh, Mary, why do you say things like that? You know very well that I try to help everybody on my program. Some help. He even cut my song out today. Believe me, Mary, people ought to know what I go through just to put on a show. He'd like to cut my song out every week. You know, Mary, there's a lot more to radio program, I mean, than just talking into a microphone. If my mother was here, she'd punch him right in the nose. What? Glasses or no glasses. Dennis, what are you mumbling about? What? Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, hello. Gee, what a coincidence. I was just talking about you. I know, I heard you. What's wrong? You cut my song out today. Oh, oh, well, I'm sorry, kid. I had to do it because of time. But you can do the song next week. How do you know you'll like it? You didn't even hear it. Well, all right, let's hear it now. Okay. Oh, come on. Pardon me, Mr. Benny. What? I say, pardon me, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Mr. Kitzel. Hello. Oh, hold it a minute, Dennis. I thought you were never going to get here. I was going to do half a last week's show over again. The part that was good. But hold it a minute, Dennis. Look, if you came to see my show, Mr. Kitzel, you were a little late. You know, we just went off the air. Oh, that's all right. I was sitting in my car. Well, did you like the program? Did I like your program? Woo-hoo-hoo. I missed it. You missed it? Oh, oh, I see. But I was in here to see your show last week. Good. Where'd you get the tickets? Who needs tickets? I was nonchalantly walking down the street when all of a sudden somebody threw a sick over me. I got a bump on my head. And the next thing I knew, somebody was whispering in my ear, welcome to NBC. Well, I'm sorry you missed the program today, but maybe you can come back next week. I'll try. By the way, Mr. Bene, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, will you please give me an autograph for my nephew? Your nephew? Yes. He's been in the Army for four years and he's visiting me from Oahu. Oh, from Honolulu, Oahu? No, Cleveland, Oahu. That's Ohio. Ohio. Anyway, here you are, Mr. Kitzel. Here's my autograph. Thank you. You're welcome. Goodbye, Mr. Kitzel. Goodbye. Try to get here earlier next time. Have your song. I want it. Mary, I'll take you home now. Okay. Will you drop me off on the way, Mr. Bene? Sure, kid, sure. Come on, let's go. You know, Dennis, that certainly was a swell number, the anniversary song. Would you like to sing it at my birthday party next week? Sure, Mr. Bene. How old are you going to be? 58. 58. Mary, he asked me. I'm, uh, I'm 38, Dennis. Gosh, I'm 26 and I'm worried. Why? Look what can happen to me in just 12 years. Well, don't worry about it, kid. Everything will be all right. Oh, say, kid, before we start for home, let's go in the drugstore here and get a soda, huh? Okay. Here are three schools here. Let's sit here. All right. Oh, there's that same soda clerk. I can't stand him. Well, my heart didn't go pitter-patter when you came in, blue-eyed. I don't know why he hates me, so just take, just take our orders. What have you got? We have sodas, parfaits, splits, flips, sundaes, malts, sherbet, orangeade, and Dr. Scholl's foot pads. What are the Dr. Scholl's foot pads for? For our ice cream corns. I knew you'd ask me. Brother, I'd like to point him out to my producer. Waiter, give me a chocolate soda. Yes, man. What about you, Dennis? Give me a banana split. I hate him, but I've got to have something expensive now that I've got my own show. Oh, fine. And what are you going to have, headless valley? Look, clerk, why is it I can... Oh, Jack, let it go. Just give me your order. Okay, give me a vanilla ice cream soda. Say, Jack, have you ever seen one of those soda clerks who can throw the ice cream up in the air and catch it in the glass? I can do that. You can? Certainly. Watch this. Oops, miss. Sorry. Where did it go? Don't look now, but you've got a two-pay-all-a-mode. What? You mean that scoop of ice cream is on my head? Waiter, do something about it. All right, all right. What's taking you so long? I'm putting a cherry on top. A cherry? Would you mind sitting in our window a couple of days? No, I'm not making any personal appearances this year. Okay, here are your drinks, folks. I don't know why it is I always have to run into him. How's your soda, Mary? It's well. Dennis, don't eat your banana split so fast. I want to finish it before I get sick. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. You know, Mary, this vanilla soda is very good. Mine was, too. Well, I'm all finished. Me, too. You're through with your soda, aren't you, Jack? Just a minute. There's a little left at the bottom. I've only got one show, you know. Oh, Jack, come on. Just a minute. If you strike oil, the glass belongs to me. Never mind. How much is the check for? 65 cents. No, no, no, Dennis. I'll pay for it. No, no, no, Mr. Benny. I'll pay for it. No, no, no, Dennis. Let me pay for it. Careful, Jack. He may take you up on that. Huh? Remember me? I'm your guardian angel, and I was here to stop you from paying this check. Oh, yes. Yeah, you kept me from drinking that iodine last week. Yes, and now I'm saving you from a fate worse than death. What? I've gotten you out of situations like this many times before. You have? Oh, yes. Remember that night in Syros when you were having dinner with all those movie stars? Uh-huh. Well, it was I who took the check away from you and gave it to Margaret O'Brien. Gee, and I thought the wind did that, huh? But why are you always trying to save my money for me, Angel? Well, you see, we angels need money, too. You do? Yes, and we figured if anybody would find a way to take it with them, it would be you. Oh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the way, Jack, I wish you'd stop telling everybody you're only 38 years old. But why, Angel? Why? Well, every time you tell a little fib, it flunders up where we are. Oh. And around your birthday, we can't hear ourselves thinking. Really? Yes. Even though your birthday is on St. Valentine's Day, it sounds like the fort that you lie. Well, I'll try and watch it. You know, sometimes, Angel, I just... Jack, who are you talking to? Huh? Why don't you stop mumbling to yourself? Mary, I wasn't mumbling to myself. I was talking to my... Oh, you wouldn't believe it, anyway. All right, kids, let's go. There's my car over there. Well, Jack, Jack. Huh? Oh, what is it, Don? Jack, you left the studio so fast, I didn't get a chance to talk to you about next week's commercial. Well, Don, we can talk about that later. But, Jack, I've got your quartet here, the sportsman, and I want you to hear a new arrangement. Don, not out here on the street corner. People don't think we're crazy. Go away, fellas. Go away. Fellas, look, not out here. Look, Don, this is no place to rehearse a commercial. Not out on the street. But, Jack... You know what? When we come back to the studio... Jack, it'll only take a minute. Out on the street. I mean, a crowd is gathering. All right. Take it, boys. Tico, tico. Tico, tico. Tico, tico, tico. Don, look. O-L-S-M-F-T. The cigarette for me. O-L-S-M-F-F-F-F-F-F-T. Don, people are gathering. People are gathering. And it's a fully packed. Oh, it's so free and easy. Easy on the dream. O-L-S-M-F-T. O-L-M-N-O-P. Oh, lucky strike. We seem so merrily in tune. O-L-S-M-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-T. Boom. O-L-S-M-F-T. You are my alma mater. Oh, my God. O-L-S-M-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-T. I love you. And there's no other cigarette I know above you. Don, people are gathering. And you should always keep a package in your baggage. O-L-S-M-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-T. I love you. And there's no other cigarette I know above you. Oh well it says it says it says it says it says it says it says. John that was the most embarrassing thing you've ever done to me right here on the street you're making a monkey out of me now go away fellas go away. Listen the people are hollering they're not gonna sing anymore. Oh yes they are. John, stop putting, John the people are throwing money boy it's embarrassing If people are throwing money anyway Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Don. Don. Pully-pack boy. What's the matter with you? Have you gone crazy? Oh, Jack, don't get all excited. Well, Mary, imagine people on the street throwing money. It was embarrassing. You were so embarrassed, why'd you keep picking it up? Because I'm just naturally neat. Now, come on. Let's get in the car and go, will ya? Hello, Rochester. Well, hello, boss. What took you so long? Oh, I stopped in the drugstore and I had some ice cream. You must have had a lot. It's coming out on top. Oh, darn it. I thought he wiped that off. Rochester, did you hear my program today? Oh, yes. I listened to it with some friends of mine. What do they think of it? Well, we thought it had some nice moments. Uh-huh. But it definitely wasn't the best years of our life. Oh, well, I don't care what you and your friends think. Your program will cause lots of comment. You should have heard some of them. Never mind. By the way, boss, a couple of telegrams came for you. Thanks. Read them to me, Rochester. This one's from Fred Allen. Fred Allen? What does it say? It says, congratulations on your birthday next Friday. Heard your program tonight and thought it was very bad. Hope you have many more. Nice birthday wire to send me. Give me that other one. Here you are. Rochester. Rochester, listen to this. Congratulations, Jack Benny, on your forthcoming birthday. On my special news broadcast at 6.55 tonight, I'm going to pay you a great tribute. Be sure and listen. Signed H.V. Kaltenborn. Rochester, we got to listen to that. Yes, sir. I'm going to call my whole gang and tell them about it. That's right, Mary. H.V. Kaltenborn at 6.55. He's going to pay me a tribute. I'm not kidding, Phil. At 6.55. Listen to H.V. Kaltenborn. Now don't forget, Dennis. Be sure to listen to H.V. Kaltenborn at 6.55. I can what? Oh, your mother said that. Well, anyway, don't forget to listen. Yes, Don. I know it's true. He sent me a wire. Kaltenborn's going to give me a big tribute. 6.55. Goodbye. I know it sounds impossible, but it's true. Be sure to listen at 6.55. Rochester, who are you talking to? I don't know. I'm just calling numbers at random. Good, good. My goodness, look what time it is. Hey, Kaltenborn must be on now. Turn on the radio. Okay. However, more concessions were exchanged by the United States and Russia in the privacy of United Nations Conference Room. That's him. That's Kaltenborn. Three of that stuff in the papers. Get to me. In Beverly Hills, California. That's it. That's it. They got everything in there. Oh, get that over with, will you? Now back to the news. All over America, we're celebrating 1910. Maybe I'm next. Here it comes, Rochester. That means me. It's me. It's me. Say, you're lucky he mentioned you, too. Yeah. Rock school. What is this? Quiet, boss. I want to hear it. Rochester, it's all about you. Boss, please. That's me. That was me. Tell him, Rochester. Tell him. You tell him. You're as close to him as I am. He's celebrating his birthday Friday, February the 14th. Mr. Kaltenborn, but here's another news item. What? It is raining in Beverly Hills. Imagine sending me a wire about a big tribute. He didn't even mention my name. You know, it's my birthday next Friday, Rochester. Not yours. I know, boss. By the way, how old are you going to be? Thirty-eight. See, that angel wasn't kidding. What'd you say, boss? Nothing, nothing. I'm going to bed. Good night. Good night. Ladies and gentlemen, the Angel on Tonight's program was played by that great star, Mr. Victor Moore. H.B. Kaltenborn was impersonated by Ollie O'Toole. Ladies and gentlemen, during the last war, the chief hope of our enemies was to divide the United States along racial and religious lines and thereby conquer us. Let's not spread prejudice. A divided America is a weak America and we need the same harmony among our various racial and religious groups that was the source of our strength and war. Through our behavior, we encourage the respect of our children and make them better neighbors to all races and religions. Remind them that being good neighbors has helped make our country great and kept her free. Thank you. Well, Jack will be back in just a minute. But first, here is my good friend, Basil Riesdale. As you listen to the chant of the tobacco auctioneers, remember L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette. Mr. John Lawrence Cummins, an independent tobacco auctioneer of San Tiana, Kentucky, was born and brought up in the tobacco business. Here's what he said. I've sold tobacco at auctions for over 19 years. In all that time, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike buy fine, good-tasting tobacco. Tobacco that's got quality, real quality. I smoke Lucky's myself for 22 years. Quote, fine, good-tasting tobacco. Tobacco that's got quality, real quality. Unquote. Yes, independent tobacco experts like Mr. Cummins can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally-mile tobacco. Fine, light, naturally-mile tobacco. Real Lucky Strike tobacco. L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes, for your own real, deep-down smoking enjoyment. L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you all tune in next week as I'm going to have a birthday party and invite one of the world's greatest violinists Mr. Isaac Stern. And I'll also invite Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I hope you'll all... Ladies and gentlemen, the rain in Beverly Hills has now turned to orange juice. See, I wish my swimming pool was empty. Good night, folks. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.