 from the broadcasting house here in Nairobi, Kenya. This is Power Talk, a show that comes to you so that you can be able to inspire you, motivate you and push you to become the better version of yourself. Right here we discuss issues that matter when it comes to relationships and life issues. Today we are broadcasting also on our website www.y254.co.ke. So make sure that you head over to our website if at all you want to watch us online. We are broadcasting also online on our website. Our handles are on and they are up and running. I shall mention them in a few. Now today our subject or of discussion is about love and trust in marriage. That's right, love and trust in marriage. This is a very fundamental issue when it comes to marriage, love and trust. These are the cornerstones of every marriage. Without trust, marriage is a break. Without love, marriage is a break. But now according to statistics in the recent past, the number of divorces have increased significantly over the past five years right here in Kenya. Now while at the end of 2020 that was last year and the beginning of this year 2021, the total number of registered divorces or those that are pending before court is predicted to be more than 2000. This is an alarming rate. Now the question is why? Why is it that we have a problem in the increased number of divorces in Kenya? What is the reason? What are the pillars that are broken? How can we build love and trust in marriage? And actually what are the ingredients of a healthy marriage? This morning these are the questions that we are trying to find out the answers to. I'm joined by Pastor Shadrach Manghera. He is a senior pastor at the Calvary Covenant Center in Kamulu. Thank you sir. We are also expecting the presence of Pastor Helen Jiru from World Harvest Ministries Church in Kawangwari. If she shall join us today, we shall also have her on set. But make sure that you can be part of this conversation. The hashtag is Power Talk Show on Twitter at Ram Aguko, at Y254 channel. Make sure that you head over to Facebook and tell us what you think. How can we build love and trust in marriage? Fundamental question. Remember the cornerstone of all marriages is love and trust and the question is what are the reasons for the increase in the number of in the cases of divorces in the country? How do we build love and trust in marriage? Pastor Shadrach. Yes sir. Tell me love and trust. Yes. How important are they in a marriage setting? Yes, just like you already mentioned there are quite very key pillars to any successful marriage and one that lacks either of the two or maybe more others that have not mentioned but measure the two. You'll find they really struggle quite a lot because from the very beginning you have to understand what is trust and what is love and then you have to know the source of trust and the source of love. Yeah because I believe many people when they get together maybe they go because they just looked at each other and loved each other but they really didn't do the needful for them to be able to build that trust and also to develop love. Both of them. You're saying it's possible for you to marry somebody in the assumption that yes we love each other but the trust is not the fundamental issue of trust? Very possible. Very possible because there are other issues that can be presenting themselves maybe you look at what they have or maybe what they own not necessarily trusting them but because of the material things that you see. We've had that discussion before on this show. The love for money. So can money build or break these two things love and trust? You know money is good. Money is good in fact in the good book Bible it talks about money being very good but the love of it it's always the root cause of all evil the love of it but money is good it's necessary therefore money can either break or even build a trust in any marriage. It can make a break. Yes. Let me find out the side of making it. Yes. Yes. Elaborate of that. How does it build? This is how it builds. For example if I'm courting somebody you know and I come as I am okay they find me with my 20 shillings and then from time to time I keep on building that money you know and they know also the source of the money where it has come from I build it up to a level that is to some point let me say some point you know this person will look at me and say okay I've seen this person grow from zero to something you know it is building a kind of trust in that sense. Okay. Yes. Okay. I don't know if if if the one can bring a little force. Professor. Yes. When someone is planning to get into the institution of marriage and you're saying love and trust has to be there. Yes. Is there any procedure that someone needs to follow when it comes to acquiring these two aspects these two virtues which one ought to come first is their love at first sight. Yeah that's a very good question love at first sight this one happens ordinarily to everybody you know you know in fact you look at someone then you love them from how they look like okay before you even begin to interrogate the deeper part of their lives and that's why now courtship comes in you know courtship now it's way by now we begin to learn one another you begin to know each other and then you may be you may make a conclusion whether what you saw is really what you expect you have now achieved at the end of the day. Yes. And okay let let me digress to yet another issue of trust. Yes. Yes. But from another perspective well love is I mean trust is often the first and the biggest casualty of infidelity. Yes. When you look at trust and okay if your partner cheats on you how can you move on from that and rebuild the trust because from that point trust was broken. Yes you know when somebody has cheated on you already the trust has been broken. Yes. And trust is one thing that it's too hard to build but it's too easy to break and when it's broken sometimes to rebuild it it becomes a big challenge therefore it is incumbent upon the two of you if you agree and say now this mistake has taken place but we need to move forward then you need to seek guidance help so that you know the reasons as to why it first happened that you cheated or somebody cheated on you what was the reason what were the underlying causes you know. Yes of course the work of the devil from beginning to end but then you have allowed yourself to be an instrument of the devil to make that up so it is important to go back to the root cause if you don't address the root cause and you just you got quoted say okay now let's forgive each other and let's move on and then things will just be better you know you will find yourself going back to the same same problem. Can trust be rebuilt again? Yes it can be rebuilt but it may take too much time or longer than you expected because there's always that fear what if what if they do it again what if they hurt me again and you know that is a problem how can you be able to be sure that they won't have you know another affair you know that is a question because now that is what can make someone to say you did this a few years back you know in the course of a woman a woman will say I remember back in the year 20s which and they give the date you did this you did that you did that over this long period of time there was a an issue of trust in this relationship so there is how can you get that assurance that we are safe. Yes and that's why it begins now from the two of you you know you have to really make it a point upon yourself to change and you know this change comes from within this change is not from outside like maybe the things I'll say or do but should begin from the innermost part of you so who should change the person who cheated or the the person who was cheated on I mean actually it's very important for both of you to have a change of attitude because if you were cheated on you say okay me have no problem it is not me who did it remember man is not an island you never know the things can go the other way around and you find yourself in the same sport so in the good scriptures it says that help someone was falling down to rise up again okay but you take care that you don't fall while helping them to do what to rise so both of you must be keen and be careful and say this thing has visited us our relationship let us guard it let us take care of each other let us hold each other accountable you know in this relationship for for couples that have been in marriage for not so long for a short period of time when they go through hurdles you know they normally say that the first few seasons so the first few weeks or months are normally good because now when when it comes to now the serious issues of marriage that's when things when things hit bedrock trust is broken love is broken is it possible for a young couple a very young couple to be able to rebuild whatever that they have done well in advanced and still get to the level that our old folks have have reached because right now divorce cases are a lot amongst the you know young couples as compared to Aluakitambu and you are not wise yeah yeah yeah and it's it's quite alarming that the the number of marriages that are breaking immediately after getting marriage or weddings but again as you've said the older folks head away they put themselves together but i believe we still have a chance even in this generation so for this generation they can still be whatever they have yes we still have a chance the most important thing i believe should be we need to understand each other's background you know when you when you get married to somebody you're marrying them from a maybe from a different background and this is what i say you must all bring your suitcases with you in the marriage and then you begin to unpack together maybe there were habits that you you used to have then you check on them and say no this one has put it aside there were good things that you used to to do say okay let's carry this one on in our marriage you know so when you understand the background from which you have come from and then you begin to build a relationship and new okay not not uh uh now saying now the way i used to live my life that's how you shall be you know as a man maybe you didn't care so much about eating at home you know now you're married now you're married you must get at home you must begin to adjust and change and this is a problem you know someone still bringing the bachelor life yes yes into marriage thus affecting the fundamental issues of of marriage how then can you say that it is possible if that is possible does it mean that someone is just not ready for marriage and that's why they are bringing their old life into this marriage and that's why we we we we tell people most of the time go for pre-marital counseling it is very crucial these sessions may look like a waste of time but the truth of the matter is they're quite helpful because like when you come for to me and i'm counseling you i'll ask you important questions i'll ask you what is the vision you have for your marriage you know you know people think that a vision is only for a company an organization or maybe for something like that you know i'll ask them what the vision do you have for your family you understand if they say oh we'll have just good time we'll have many children i tell them no please go back and first of all write your vision and then let's come and begin to talk because that's the foundation of your marriage yes every marriage should that also be done in the middle or in the course of a marriage again to re-evaluate your marriage and build up again very very very important because even when if you got married without having a vision it's not too late it's not too late to start it's not too late to say let me have a vision for my marriage i want to see myself in 20 years from now with this woman with this man how will my life be you know so for a couple that is having a problem right now that they are going through you know the the the the hills the mountains and the valleys yes um you you'd say that they need to sit together and have a discussion afresh to re-establish themselves the discussion should not be based on even or like even re-establishing but now moving forward because they're already in moving forward now victoriously okay and this now brings in the question of communication good communication you know and where there is communication things will work where there's no communication things will crumble communication is a problem communication has always been the key problem why many marriages end up in divorce lack of it so um looking at the aspects of infidelity yeah uh so can you say was teaching the course of could it be the course of a marriage a marriage problem a marital problem or could it be as a result of other underlying factors uh i think this one could best be answered by somebody who has been involved in this directly but uh now looking at it from other aspects yeah can you conclude that that for someone to cheat there was a problem initially that enabled them to have the ability to you know to cheat uh you know everything that happens everything that happens i will tell you ram it's a choice it's a choice that somebody makes you know even for you to go and cheat on your spouse it's a choice that you make and i always say that even not making a choice is still a choice you understand because god has given us the free will the free gift of making choices in life you know you can choose to love your wife to love your husband to be uh respectful to her to honor her and to honor your marriage bed you know you can make a decision and therefore i could not say that uh these people they cheated just because they or they found themselves in that particular scenario no it began somewhere in their mind they allowed a thought to be developed in their mind and that thought led them into making certain decisions that's why choice is all we have today we can choose to stay right to stay uh uh to maintain fidelity in our in our marriage you understand to be to be uh loving to our spouses and all that it's a choice we make today yes and these choices that we have made are you know have the ability to you know either spearhead take us forward or you know still push push us back yeah so it's about choice yeah choices they say they have consequences the results now um we're still on building building this aspect of marriage and trust one may feel as though you know family and friends could be you know also a source of uh comfort you know emotional you're going through emotional pain or you know you want to talk to people you love and trust so um is is this also a solution family and friends confiding in them when you have a problem of love and trust in your marriage i would love to really not concur with that because even the people that you may want to confide in they have their own issues and they have their own problems and sometimes those that you confide in instead of them giving you a good shoulder to lean on you know instead they'll make matters worse that's why i always think that when something has happened in a relationship the only people who can bring a solution into that relationship is the two of you see what's that the two of you the husband and the wife first help me understand yes i want to you're a senior person yes yes yes and i really want to get this straight yes when when couples are going through a marital problem who should they confide in themselves you see when you talk about confiding it means now you're putting everything that you have okay on the table if you don't have the ability to admit before your spouse that this what i've done this is what led me to do this this is why i i got this money from here you know if you and we don't have that ability to do it to your spouse then i doubt you'll be able to do it to someone else so the starting point you start from the two of you and then you seek cancel from now maybe a counselor a pastor your parents so at what point do you see cancel from other people immediately you have agreed because agreement starts from now let's be vulnerable let's now be open so it means seeking seeking a third parties intervention is being vulnerable to that third party first of all it's between yourselves and when you're you now give your issues to another person it means now you're completely bare before them so now you're trusting your life your issues with them believing they'll help you get a solution and but i'll tell you the solution comes from you as a person to make that decision a choice who should this third party be who should be an intermediator you know when couples are having a fight a counselor will be very good and also if you guys got into you have some what to call if you had a church wedding or maybe just a another wedding but you had some friends who stood with you at that particular time you could talk to them come on like the best man best man or the best couple you see you could talk to them right and and and also put your issues openly before them what i encourage people is don't talk to everybody don't talk to everybody maybe your aunt your uncle your everybody tell them all your issues that are happening marriage you know some of them may not help you some of them may even encourage you to to move out and to move and to go your own life yes in loss yes at what point should you involve your in loss now in your marriage in your marriage don't they have the ability to break the trust between the two of you now yeah you have said very well in loss you need to add another one there outlaws we have in laws and outlaws the outlaws now those are your friends your the friends that you you hang out with the people that the ladies that you meet in the salon the chama ladies you know the gentleman that you go and watch football together you know the people that you go together in in in safaris you know those are outlaws and then of the in-laws people are actually related based on your marriage so so someone like my best friend ought not to be involved in my marital issues i suggest i suggest it to be done very cautiously yeah very very cautiously yeah because if it's not done cautiously if not it's not if it's not done cautiously it is possible it is possible that they may not give the best advice that you really need so that's why i said marriage issues you know this marriage issue married was started by god it's a union started by god when god was bringing man together he was all alone so i think our best solution comes from god himself mother-in-law your mother all father-in-law coming into your marriage but uh you will respond to that after this break okay be part of the conversation um how can you build love and trust in your marriage the hashtag is power talk show on twitter at rama google at y254 channel this is power power talk remember we also asked our viewers to be able to send in their thoughts in regards to these all their opinions uh record yourself and send us a one minute clip and we shall play them right here on y254 we shall do that after this break