 وأقولوا في القرآن ما جاءت به آياته فهو الكاريم المنزال وأقولوا قال الله جل جلاله والمصطفة الهدي ولا أتأوله الحمد لله رب العالمين والصلاة والسلام على عبد الله ورسوله نبينا وحبيبنا محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم وعلى آله وصحبه أجمعين السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته نبدأ as always by praising Allah by asking Allah to exalt the mention of Grand Pista ومسنجة محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم to his family and his companions so we're talking about the rights of the husband and the wife and we spent the last two episodes really looking at the generic way that the rights of husband and wife are kind of set out in Islam and looking at how we should approach the right of the husband and the right of the wife in Islam how we should be approaching it and the way that we should kind of understand this framework that Islam has set out for us in how the husband and wife deal with one another so now we're going to look at the rights that are equivalent now it isn't a precise science to a certain extent in the sense that there are ways you can see certain things to be equivalent there are ways you can see certain things to be slightly different or opposite to one another but generally looking at the things in which the scholars say there is equivalence there is مماثل اتامة complete equivalence between husband and wife the very first one we're going to look at is the statement of Allah this is in صورة النساء آيان number 19 and live with them with معروف so here the command is to the men regarding the women it's to the men regarding the women but this is a right in which the scholars say that there is equivalence both the men and women are commanded to live with each other in معروف بالمعروف in goodness so first of all this is mentioned to the men in relation to the women like the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said اتقوا الله في النساء هافتقوا أف الله with regard to women that is also equivalent right because men also have to have taqwa regarding women and women also have to have taqwa regarding their husbands so the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم emphasized it with regard to the husband towards his wife اتقوا الله في النساء هافتقوا أف الله regarding your women but it's also an equivalent right it's the husband has to have taqwa with regard to his wife and the wife has to have taqwa of Allah with regard to the husband but that's just a separate issue here we're going to talk about وعاشرهن بالمعروف living together بالمعروف so first of all let us ask ourselves the question what is المعروف we have already heard what Imam السعدي رحم الله تعالى said about المعروف in terms of العادة الجارية that is the customs that are ongoing in a particular country in a particular time for a particular husband and a particular wife I mean for him for her نمثلها you know for the likes of her and the likes of him that's the word معروف as it relates to customs but what about the word معروف as it relates to goodness some of the scholars they find it as saying it is كل قول حسن وفعل جميل وخلق كامل it is every good statement and every beautiful action and every perfect mannerism or perfect character and that is really really it's really scary in a way because that Allah commanded men to live with their wives like that and you feel that how do I achieve everything good in speech and everything beautiful in action and everything exemplary in character how do I how do I even try to achieve that but that's what Allah commanded you to live with them in that state that the way the man treats his wife and some of them said this is the greatest right of the wife over her husband وعاشره النبي المعروف but in reality it is a right that is equivalent because she also has to live with her husband in that so the husband and wife should be working together and striving together for what كل قول حسن every wonderful statement every wonderful speech could be you know the beautiful words he says to his wife he tells her he loves her she tells her she loves him he tells her you look beautiful she says you look lovely you look nice سبحان الله beautiful words قول حسن وفئة الجميل and actions which are beautiful فئة الجميل beautiful actions really really kind actions could be giving a gift could be the softness in treating with each in the way they treat with each other it could be smiling at each other and it could be intimacy with one another كل قول حسن every beautiful word and every every good word and every beautiful action and every exemplary character so that exemplary character it could be mercy it could be softness it could be gentleness it could be kindness it could be love every wonderful exemplary characteristic وعشروهن بلمعروف and that is what Allah commanded the men to be towards their wives and we understand that this is a right which is also a right of the husband over the wife that she lives with him in the best way so we have on one side beautiful speech or good speech beautiful action exemplary character on the other side we have what an Imam Sa'adi said regarding the word معروف which is to live in accordance with the customs of a the particular country and time in which you are and also in accordance with the status of that man and the status of that woman and their position and their what they have available the resources they have available to them now it's important to know when it comes to customs of course that customs don't overrule Islam rather Islam overrules customs so if there's a custom in a particular country which is contrary to Islam and when we talk about نشوز we might give examples of this where there is a custom which is contrary to Islam and brings problems into the marriage then Islam comes first but generally speaking the husband lives with the wife with the best of speech the most beautiful actions the most exemplary manners the wife she lives with her husband with the best of speech the most beautiful actions and the most exemplary manners and they live in accordance with the expectations of what is normal around them now what that just generally means is I mean first of all if the husband or wife agree on something there is no issue because it's بقو قلي باد right the rights of the servants there's no issue if they agree on something if they both don't like a particular custom and they don't want to follow it there's no big issue as long as it doesn't fall into that which is حرام but generally speaking how should they expect to be with one another so you look at what is normal what's normal what's expected in the country what's the kind of norms in the time the country for that kind of woman for that kind of man and that defines whatever is not defined by the sharia that's important that defines whatever is not defined it's not the case that we put the customs first as many people do and that causes huge problems in marriage they put the customs first and they put the Islamic stuff second so they say my custom says that my wife should uncover in front of my brother for example they say well الله said وعشروه النبي المعروف live with them in the way that is customary but here the custom contradicts what the Prophet ﷺ told us and what Allah ﷺ told us and so here we're going to say that that custom is invalid and not given any consideration at all rather the woman she has to be more careful around her brother-in-law than she would be around a stranger in the street as the Prophet ﷺ told us that the in-law is death and so we have to be very careful around the in-laws in terms of the brother-in-law the sister-in-law and how the relationship is between them that has to be that distance and that covering and the Hijab and so on but here we're just talking about how customs could conflict with Islam Islam always comes first but generally speaking what Islam doesn't define we go with what is customary and customs are important because they help to set basic expectations yes husband and wife may both not like a particular custom and culture and that's perfectly fine for them to leave it because they're not required to do it however it sets some basic expectations and our next Hadith and Bukhari and Muslim from the Hadith of Ibn Omar عن النبي ﷺ أنه قال ألا كلكم راعين وكلكم مسعول عن رعيته فالأمير الذي على الناس راعين وهو مسعول عن رعيته إبن عمر يقول المسجر وصلى الله عليه وسلم قال indeed all of you are shepherds i.e. all of you are responsible all of you are shepherds and all of you are responsible for your flock the أمير who is over the people like the governor or the ruler who is over the people is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock والرجل راعين على أهل بيته وهو مسؤول عنهم and a man is a shepherd over his family and he is responsible for them والمرأة راعية على بيت باعلها وولده وهي مسؤولة عنهم and a woman she is responsible for the house of her husband and his children and she is responsible for them she is a shepherd and she is responsible for them والعبد راعين على مالي سيديه وهو مسؤول عنهم and a slave is responsible for his owner's wealth or is a shepherd of his owner's wealth and he is responsible for it ألا فكلكم راعين وكلكم مسؤول عن رعية indeed all of you are shepherds and all of you are responsible for your flock so here I could have brought this to be honest in the segment of how to how we see the role of the husband and the wife but I actually wanted to bring it under the topic of الممثلة those things which the husband and wife are equal in in the sense that they are both equal in responsibility husband has responsibility the wife has responsibility they're not entirely equal in the sense the responsibilities are not the same they're not the same but they both have responsibility and it's not the case that one has responsibility and the other one has let's say clothing for example or one of them has responsibility and the other one has a house provided for them the reality is they both have responsibility they both have things that they are responsible for and it is the case that the husband is responsible the wife is responsible there are some differences in the responsibilities so the husband is responsible for his household for أهلي بيتهي that means he's responsible for everyone living in his household he's responsible for his wife for his children and so on he is fully responsible for them and he's a shepherd of them which means that he has a a degree of authority over them and that he is shepherding them kind of looking after them taking care of them and he is مسؤول on them so he will be asked يوم القيامة about them likewise the woman is responsible so it's not true to say that a woman doesn't have any responsibility or that she doesn't have any things that she will be asked about rather she is responsible for the house of her husband that he has provided for her we're going to talk about the provision of the house إن شاء الله تعالى في مباشرة مباشرة he's responsible for that and she's responsible for the house and she's responsible for the children and that is again a beautiful balance in Islam she is under her husband's responsibility but her children are under her responsibility and her husband's responsibility as a you know from overall like in terms of the umbrella responsibility but she is directly responsible for her children particularly in her husband's absence so here she's responsible for his house and she's responsible for his children and this is really important because it actually helps us with other things like when we talk about women working and things like that and we talk about the fact that whatever she does being with her husband's permission not being haram and so on but it can't be at the expense of the responsibility the مسؤولية that Allah عز وجل has given to her that is that she is مسؤول she is asked she is مسؤولة عن بيتي بعليها وولديه the house of her husband and his children so responsibilities exist for both husband and wife they're slightly different the husband's is slightly more comprehensive because it encompasses the wife and the wife doesn't encompass the husband but they both have responsibility and so some of the scholars mentioned this on the area of where there is equivalence because they both have responsibility it's not like one has one has responsibility the other one has a house and clothing and food provided rather they both have responsibility but the responsibilities are slightly and somewhat different because the husband's is overall for the entire household and the wife's is a subset of that for his house as in his property which includes his money and we've spoken about that previously in terms of حديث about the you know that he feels safe when he leaves his wife he feels safe about her and about the money and his property that he's left with her so she's responsible for his property that is under her care and she is also responsible for his children that are under her care and the children are going to be within her responsibility and she's like a shepherd to them so she's telling them what to do she's responsible for them and that's a nice balance actually because it tells you that beautiful balance between obedience to the mother and the wife's obedience to the husband and how those two balance each other out because that boy or that young man who is his wife is he's a shepherd for his wife his mother is a shepherd for him so there's a balance there in terms of of gender as well a balance in terms of a man obeying his mother and his father of course and a woman obeying her husband and the balance that is within that system that Allah سبحانه وتعالى has decreed for us so here responsibilities are something that both have and shepherding others are responsibilities that both husband and wife have equally even though there is a degree of difference in the area of responsibility الله عز وجل سل كل المؤمنين يغط من أبصارهم ويحفظوا فروجهم ذلك أزكى لهم إن الله خبير بما يصنعون وكل المؤمنات يغضضنا من أبصارهم ويحفظنا فروجهم ولا يبدين زينتهم إلا ما ظهر منها وليضربنا بخورهم على جيوبهم ولا يبدين زينتهم إلا لبعو لاتهن العاية الله عز وجل يقول أخبروا المؤمنين أن يجلونهم ويشعروا بخورهم ويشعرونهم ويشعرونهم بخورهم ويشعرونهم للمؤمنين to lower their gaze و to protect their chastity و to show their adornment except that which is apparent from it و to let them draw their their covering over or let them draw their head covering over their chests and let them not show their adornment except to their husbands and to the end of the eye their husband, their father and to the end of the eye here the equivalence is in guarding the chastity and lowering the gaze and that is an obligation upon the husband and an obligation upon the wife that each is satisfied with the other فحسب and that's it nothing more than that neither of them seeks to go beyond the limits that Allah عز وجل set فمنبتقا وراء ذلك فأولائك هم العدون whoever seeks anything beyond that whether it be زينة whether it be some of the other فواحش immoralities and evil things that people do are people watch and people do all of these things are موراء ذلك they're outside of what Allah عز وجل has legislated so Allah has legislated that the husband is satisfied with his wife and lowers his gaze except from her and that she is satisfied with her husband and she lowers her gaze except from him and that is one of the major محاولات of the marriage that we had spoken about that the husband lowers his gaze and that the wife lowers her gaze and we'd spoken about حديث يا معشر الشباب من استطاع منكم الباءة فالية زوج فإنه أغض للبصر وأحصان للفرج that whoever of you young men is able to get married let him marry because that is going to help him to lower his gaze and protect his chastity and that is something which is an equivalent there is equivalence in the marriage the woman lowers her gaze except for her husband and protects her chastity except for her husband and the husband lowers his gaze except for his wife and protects the chastity except for his wife and that is as we said one of the major purposes of the marriage to prevent and protect the two from a زينة and from another إلى المحرم looking at حرام and as we said this can we can take زينة as one aspect of it but he is when we talk about looking at حرام that's so common in these days that the husband hasn't taken on the responsibility that he's not going to look at the حرام he's got married he's got a wife he's not going to look at the حرام and the wife hasn't taken on the responsibility that when she's got married she's not going to look at the حرام and that is a big problem in our time when I said الله العفو و العافية we ask Allah for his pardon we ask Allah سبحانه وتعالى to keep us safe from those things so this is a right which in which there is equivalence لوري the gaze and protecting the chastity we're also going to cover a hadith narrated by البخاري المسلم فمن مغيره من شعبة قال ساعد ابن عبادة لو رأيته رجنة ما عم رأتي that ساعد ابن عبادة he said if I saw a man with my wife لضربته بالسيفي غير مصفح عنه I would strike him with the sword I wouldn't let that man go I would have struck him with my sword and I wouldn't have let that man go فبلغ ذلك رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم فقال اتعجبون من غيراتي ساعد فوالله لأنا أغيروا منه والله أغيروا مني The Prophet SAW said are you surprised by the غيراتي of ساعد by the protective jealousy of ساعد he said that if I saw a man with my wife I would take my sword and I would go for him and not let him go I would strike him and I wouldn't let him go The Prophet SAW said are you amazed by the protective jealousy of ساعد by Allah I am more protectively jealous than him and Allah is more protectively jealous than me من أجل غيراتي الله حرم الفواحش ما ظهر منها وما بطن ولا شخص أغير من الله الحديث The Prophet SAW said because of the غير of Allah the غير of Allah Allah made all immorality حرام whatever is apparent and whatever is hidden and there is no human being there is nobody who has more غيرة than Allah more غيرة than Allah سبحانه وتعالى So this here So this here in terms of a person refers to غيرة which we might translate to be protective jealousy as for Allah عز وجل then of course when we apply things to Allah سبحانه وتعالى we apply in a way that is befitting to his majesty and his perfection سبحانه وتعالى and the Prophet SAW explained the غير of Allah that Allah made حرام all immorality what is apparent from it and what is hidden and there is no one who is more protective of the limits and more hating of immorality and evil doing than Allah سبحانه وتعالى So here the reason I brought this حديث is that one of the things in which there is equivalence in is غيرة is that both the husband and wife should be protective over one another in a way that is in accordance with the law of Allah عز وجل shouldn't be a protective jealousy that leads to suspicion because Allah عز وجل told us يَا يُهَلَّدِينَ آمَنُ جَتَانِبُ وَكَثِيرًا مِنَظَّنْ إِنَّ بَعْضَظَّنِّ إِثْمَ or you believe keep away from a lot of guessing and suspicion because indeed some suspicion is sinful so it shouldn't be the kind of suspicion that is sinful but protective jealousy looking after each other and wanting each other to be far away from الفواحش from the محرمات from the filthy acts and immoral acts and a man taking care that his wife is covered properly and a wife taking care that her husband is not involved in something that would take away from his honor all of this is from the غيرة that the husband and wife are supposed to have for one another and we know the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم he said about عائشة رضي الله عنها يوم ماذا has حاد غيرا يوم ماذا has حاد غيرا when عائشة she hit one of the wives of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم sent a plate of food and عائشة she hit it on the floor and she broke the plate so this is something that the husband and wife are both required to have for one another within the limits set by Allah when it goes outside of the limits like when the plate broke then the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم took عائشة's plate and replaced the plate with the broken one but generally speaking when it doesn't within the limits the husband and wife are required to do to have that and I remember one of my teachers الله عز و جل preserve and protect him I remember him saying that the protective jealousy that a wife has for her husband saves him from so many fitan so many trials and tribulations so many problems the husbands is saved from because of that so many محرمات and فاحشة he would have fallen into if it wasn't for Allah and then the غيره of his wife that she says who are you talking to don't get involved with that person don't answer that question and that is what saves him from so many fitan from so many fitan and likewise her he keeps an eye on the way that she covers and the way that she interacts with people but it doesn't reach a level that goes into the حرام because غيره can go all over the limits set by Allah عز و جل and in that case it is not permissible and it has to be brought back into the limits that are set by Allah عز و جل like suspicion and when it reaches the level of suspicion in نبع the وضن the إثم some suspicion is sinful or when it reaches the level of accusations without right or when it reaches the level of stopping someone from what Allah has made permissible for them then this is all outside of what we're talking about the غيره that is praise worthy and the غيره that is something good the last right that we're going to talk about which in which there is some degree of مماثلة some degree of equivalence is the rights relating to the decisions over breastfeeding the children and this is something some of the scholars mentioned in this and I'm not going to go into too much detail because it's not very common in our time that we give our children to be fed by someone else it's usually the case that the mother is the one who feeds the child but Allah سبحانه وتعالى He said الله عز وجل said فإن أراد في صالا عن تراض منهما وتشاور فلا جناح عليهما وإن أردتم أن تستردع أولادكم فلا جناح عليكم إذا سلمتم ما أتيتم بالمعروف واتقوا الله وعلموا أن الله بما تعملون بصير الله عز وجل said in the ayat and if you wish to cease the feeding of your children I mean to wean your children the fisaal you want to wean them to stop them from the breast milk and to start them on food عن تراض منهما that the two, the husband and the wife are both in agreement of that وتشاور and they both consult each other فلا جناح عليهما there's no harm in them weaning the child if the husband and wife both agree and both consult each other and if you want to give your children to someone else to breastfeed then there is no harm if you give them you give them an amount of money in that which is معروف that which is good and that which is customary and have Taqwa of Allah and Allah is all seeing of what you do so here it's just a simple point that when it comes to the matters of the feeding of the child and the weaning of the child there is a degree of equivalence here that there is a degree of there has to be a تراضي between the husband and the wife and between there has to be a consultation between them in the matter of weaning the child and the matters relating to feeding the child or giving the child to someone else to feed and this is something which is as we said it's not as common in our time that we have to deal with some of these issues but perhaps the issue of weaning is one that we can give an example when the child is weaned whether it is two full years or whether it is less than that that is a matter that is has to be a consultation between the husband and wife and there has to be a mutual agreement between the husband and wife in that regard so that brings us to the end of this episode where we talked about some of the rights in which there is a great amount of equivalence or a lot of equivalence and in sha Allah we're going to go on in the next episode to talk about the rights in which there is a degree of them being opposite to one another one in exchange for another and in sha Allah that's going to come up in the next episode and Allah is the best والصلاة والسلام على نبي ينا محمد وعلى آلي وصحبي أجمعي السلام عليكم if you're enjoying these videos and you'd like to keep up to date with all of the courses we're going to be running make sure you head over to amauathome.com