 Section 70 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 70. To Sawatkin Philip's Baronet at Oxford. Dear Knight, I believe there is something mischievous in my disposition, for nothing diverts me so much as to see certain characters tormented with false terrors. We last night lodged at the house of Sir Thomas Bullford, an old friend of my uncle, a jolly fellow of moderate intellect, who in spite of the gout which has lamed him, is resolved to be married to the last. And Merth, he has a particular knack in extracting from his guests, let their humour be ever so caustic or refractory. Besides our company there was in the house a fat-headed justice of the peace called Frogmore, and a country practitioner in surgery, who seemed to be our landlord's chief companion and confidant. We found the knight sitting on a couch, with his crutches by his side, and his feet supported on cushions. But he received us with a hearty welcome, and seems greatly rejoiced at our arrival. After tea we were entertained with a sonata on the harpsichord by Lady Bullford, who sung and played to admiration. But Sir Thomas seemed to be a little asinine in the article of Ears, though he effected to be in raptures, and begged his wife to favour us with an areeta of her own composing. This areeta, however, she no sooner began to perform than he and the justice fell asleep. At the moment she ceased playing, the knight waked, snorting, and exclaimed, O cara, what do you think, gentlemen, will you talk any more of your paga-lazy and your carelli? At the same time he thrust his tongue in one cheek, and leered with one eye at the doctor and me, who sat on his left hand. He concluded the pantomime with a loud laugh, which he could command at all times extempore. Notwithstanding his disorder he did not do penance at supper, nor did he ever refuse his glass when the toast went round, but rather encouraged a quick circulation both by precept and example. I soon perceived the doctor had made himself very necessary to the baronet. He was the whetstone of his wit, the butt of his satire, and his operator in certain experiments of humour which were occasionally tried upon strangers. Justice Frogmore was an excellent subject for this species of philosophy. He was weak and corpulent, solemn and shallow. He had studied burn with uncommon application, but he studied nothing so much as the art of living that is eating well. This fat buck had often afforded good sport to our landlord, and he was frequently started with tolerable success in the course of this evening. But the baronet's appetite for ridicule seemed to be chiefly excited by the appearance, address, and conversation of Liz Mahago, whom he attempted in all different modes of exposition. But he put me in mind of a contest that I once saw betwixt a young hound and an old hedgehog. The dog turned him over and over and bounced and barked and mumbled, but as often as he attempted to bite, he felt a prickle in his jaws, and recoiled in manifest confusion. The captain, when left to himself, will not fail to turn his ludicrous side to the company. And if any man attempts to force him into that attitude, he becomes stubborn as a mule, and unmanageable as an elephant unbroke. Diver's tolerable jokes were cracked upon the justice, who et a most unconscionable supper, and among other things a large plate of broiled mushrooms, which he had no sooner swallowed than the doctor observed with great gravity, that they were of the kind called Champignon, which in some constitutions has a poisonous effect. Mr. Frogmore startled at this remark, asked in some confusion why he had not been so kind as to give him that notice sooner. He answered that he took it for granted, by his eating them so heartily, that he was used to the dish. But as he seemed to be under some apprehension, he prescribed a bumper of plague-water, which the justice drank off immediately, and retired to rest, not without marks of terror and disquiet. At midnight we were shown to our different chambers, and in half an hour I was fast asleep in bed, but about three o'clock in the morning I was waked with a dismal cry of fire, and starting up ran to the window in my shirt. The night was dark and stormy, and a number of people half dressed ran backwards and forwards through the courtyard with links and lanterns, seemingly in the utmost hurry and trepidation. Looking on my clothes in a twinkling I ran downstairs, and upon inquiry found the fire was confined to a back stair, which led to a detached apartment where Liz Mahago lay. By this time the lieutenant was alarmed by balling at his window, which was in the second story, but he could not find his clothes in the dark, and his room-door was locked on the outside. The servants called to him that the house had been robbed, that without all doubt the villains had taken away his clothes, fastened the door, and set the house on fire, for the staircase was in flames. In this dilemma the poor lieutenant ran about the room naked, like a squirrel in a cage, popping out his head at the window between wiles, and imploring assistance. At length the knight in person was brought out in his chair, attended by my uncle and all the family, including our aunt Tabitha, who screamed and cried and tore her hair, as if she had been distracted. Sir Thomas had already ordered his people to bring a long ladder, which was applied to the captain's window, and now he exhorted him earnestly to descend. There was no need of much rhetoric to persuade Lizmahego, who forthwith made his exit by the window, roaring all the time to the people below to hold fast the ladder. Notwithstanding the gravity of the occasion, it was impossible to behold this scene without being seized with an inclination to laugh. The rueful aspect of the lieutenant in his shirt, with a quilted nightcap fastened under his chin, and his long-lank limbs and posterias exposed to the wind made a very picturesque appearance when illumined by the links and torches which the servants held up to light him in his descent. All the company stood round the ladder, except the knight, who sat in his chair, exclaiming from time to time, Lord, have mercy upon us, save the gentleman's life, mind your footing, dear captain, softly. Stand fast, clasp the ladder with both hands, there, well done, my dear boy, oh, bravo, an old soldier, for ever. Bring a blanket, bring a warm blanket, to comfort his poor carcass. Warm the bed in the green room. Give me your hand, dear captain, I am rejoiced to see the safe and sound with all my heart. Lizma Hager was received at the bottom of the ladder by his enamorata, who snatching a blanket from one of the maids, wrapped it about his body. Two men's servants took him under the arms, and a female conducted him to the green room, still accompanied by Mistress Tabitha, who saw him fairly put to bed. During this whole transaction he spoke not a syllable, but looked exceeding grim. Sometimes at once, sometimes at another of the spectators, who now adjourned in a body to the parlor where he had sucked, every one surveying another with marks of astonishment and curiosity. The night, being seated in an easy chair, seated my uncle by the hand, and bursting into a long and loud laugh, Mat, cried he, crown me with oak, or ivy, or laurel, or parsley, or what you will, and acknowledge this to be a coup de metre in the way of waggery, ha-ha-ha, such a camichata, scaliata, befata, or che roba, or what a subject, or what caricatura, or for a rosa, a rembrandt, a schalcon, zooks I'd give a hundred guineas to have it painted, or to find dissent from the cross, or a scent to the gallows, what light and shadows, what a group below, what expression above, what an aspect, did you mind the aspect, ha-ha-ha, and the limbs and the muscles, every toe denoted terror, ha-ha-ha-ha, then the blanket, oh, what costume, St. Andrew, St. Lazarus, St. Barrabas, ha-ha-ha, after all then, Mr. Bramble, very gravely, this was no more than a false alarm. We have been frightened out of our beds, and almost out of our senses for the joke's sake. I had such a joke, cried our landlord, such a farce, such a denouement, such a catastrophe. Have a little patience, replied our squire, we are not yet come to the catastrophe, and pray God it may not turn out a tragedy instead of a farce. The captain is one of those satinine subjects who have no idea of humour. He never laughs in his own person, nor can he bear that other people should laugh at his expense. Besides, if the subject had been properly chosen, the joke was too severe in all conscience. Steth, cried the night, I could not have baited him an ace had he been my own father, and as for the subject, such another does not present itself once in half a century. Here Mistress Tabitha, interposing and bridling up, declared she did not see that Mr. Lisme Hago was a fitter subject for ridicule than the night himself, and that she was very much afraid he would very soon find that he had mistaken his man. The baronet was a good deal disconcerted by this intimation, saying that he must be a goth and a barbarian if he did not enter into the spirit of such a happy and humorous contrivance. He begged, however, that Mr. Bramble and his sister would bring him to reason, and this request was reinforced by Lady Balford, who did not fail to read the baronet a lecture upon his indiscretion, which lecture he received with submission on one side of his face, and a leer upon the other. We now went to bed for the second time, and before I got up my uncle had visited Lisme Hago in the green room, and used such arguments with him that when we met in the parlour he seemed to be quite appeased. He received the night's apology with good grace, and even professed himself pleased at finding he had contributed to the diversion of the company. Sir Thomas shook him by the hand, laughing heartily, and then desired a pinch of snuff in token of perfect reconciliation. The lieutenant, putting his hand in his waistcoat pocket, pulled out, instead of his own scotch-mull, a very fine gold snuff-box, which he no sooner perceived, and he said, Here is a small mistake. No mistake at all, cried the baronet, a fair exchange is no robbery. Ableach me so far, Captain, as to let me keep your mal as a memorial. Sir, said the lieutenant, the mal is much at your service, but this machine I can by no means retain. It looks like compounding a sort of felony in the code of honour. Besides, I don't know, but there may be another joke in this conveyance, and I don't find myself disposed to be brought upon the stage again. I won't presume. I won't presume to make free with your pockets, but I beg you will put it up again with your own hand. So saying, with a certain austerity of aspect, he presented the snuff-box to the night, who received it in some confusion, and restored the mal, which he would by no means keep, except on the terms of exchange. This transaction was like to give a grave cast to the conversation, when my uncle took notice that Mr Justice Frogmore had not made his appearance, either at the night alarm, or now at the general rendezvous. The baronet, hearing Frogmore mentioned, odd-so, cried he, I had forgot the Justice, privy doctor, go and bring him out of his kennel. Then laughing till his sides were well shaken, he said he would show the Captain that he was not the only person of the drama exhibited for the entertainment of the company. As to the night scene, it could not affect the Justice, who had been purposely lodged in the farther end of the house, remote from the noise, and lulled with a dose of opium into the bargain. In a few minutes, Mr Justice was led into the parlour in his night-cap and loose morning-gown, rolling his head from side to side, and groaning piteously all the way. Jesus, neighbour Frogmore exclaimed the baronet, what is the matter? You look as if you were not a man for this world. Set him down softly on the couch. Poor gentleman! Lord have mercy upon us! What makes him so pale and yellow and bloated? Oh, Sir Thomas! cried the Justice, I doubt it is all over with me. Those mushrooms I added to your table have done my business. Now the Lord forbid, said the other, what, man, have a good heart! How does thy stomach feel? To this interrogation he made no reply. But throwing aside his night-gown, discovered that his waistcoat would not meet upon his belly by five good inches at least. Heaven protect us all! cried Sir Thomas. What a melancholy spectacle! Never did I see a man so suddenly swelled, but when he was either just dead or just dying. Doctor, canst thou do nothing for this poor object? I don't think the case is quite desperate, said the surgeon, but I would advise Mr Frogmore to settle his affairs with all expedition. The parson may come and pray by him, while I prepare a glister and an emetic draught. The Justice rolling his languid eyes, ejaculated with great fervency. Lord have mercy upon us! Christ have mercy upon us! Then he begged the surgeon in the name of God to dispatch. As for my worldly affairs, said he, they are all settled but one mortgage, which must be left to my heirs. But my poor soul, my poor soul, what will become of my poor soul miserable sinner that I am? A pretty, my dear boy, compose thyself, resumed the night, consider the mercy of heaven is infinite. Thou canst not have any sins of a very deep die on thy conscience, or the devil's in it. Name not the devil! exclaimed the terrified Frogmore. I have more sins to answer for than the world dreams of. Oh, friend, I have been sly. Sly, damned sly. Sent for the parson without loss of time, and put me to bed, for I am posting to eternity. He was accordingly raised from the couch, and supported by two servants, who led him back to his room. But before he quitted the parlour, he entreated the good company to assist him with their prayers. He added, take warding by me, who I am suddenly cut off in my prime, like a flower of the field. And God forgive you, Sir Thomas, for suffering such poisonous trash to be eaten at your table. He was no sooner removed out of hearing than the baronet abandoned himself to a violent fit of laughing, in which he was joined by the greatest part of the company. But we could hardly prevent the good lady from going to un-deceive the patient, by discovering that while he slept his waistcoat had been straightened by the contrivance of the surgeon, and that the disorder in his stomach and bowels was occasioned by some antimonial wine which he had taken overnight, under the denomination of plague-water. She seemed to think that his apprehension might put an end to his life. The night swore he was no such chicken, but a tough old rogue that would live long enough to plague all his neighbours. Upon inquiry we found his character did not entitle him to much compassion or respect, and therefore we let our landlord's humour take its course. A glister was actually administered by an old woman of the family, who had been Sir Thomas's nurse, and the patient took a draft made with oxymel of squills to forward the operation of the antimonial wine, which had been retarded by the opiate of the preceding night. He was visited by the vicar who read prayers, and began to take an account of the state of his soul when those medicines produced their effect, so that the parson was obliged to hold his nose while he poured forth spiritual consolation from his mouth. The same expedient was used by the knight and me, who with the doctor entered the chamber at this juncture, and found Frogmore enthroned on an easing chair, under the pressure of a double evacuation. The short intervals betwixt every heave he employed in crying for mercy, confessing his sins or asking the vicar's opinion of his case, and the vicar answered in a solemn, snuffling tone that heightened the ridicule of the scene. The emetic having done its office, the doctor interfered and ordered the patient to be put in bed again. When he examined the adjuster and felt his pulse, he declared that much of the virus was discharged, and giving him a composing draft assured him he had good hopes of his recovery. This welcome hint he received with the tears of joy in his eyes, protesting that if he should recover he would always think himself indebted for his life to the great skill and tenderness of his doctor, whose hand he squeezed with great fervour, and thus he was left to his repose. We were pressed to stay dinner that we might be witnesses of his resuscitation, but my uncle insisted upon our departing before noon that we might reach this town before it should be dark. In the meantime, Lady Bulford conducted us into the garden to see a fish pond just finished, which Mr. Bramble censured as being too near the parlour, where the knight now sat by himself dozing in an elbow chair after the fatigues of his morning achievement. In this situation he reclined with his feet wrapped in flannel and supported in a line with his body, when the door flying open with a violent shock left tenant Liz Mahago rushed into the room with horror in his looks, exclaiming, a mad dog, a mad dog, and throwing up the window-sash leapt into the garden. Sir Thomas, waked by this tremendous exclamation, started up and forgetting his gout, followed the lieutenant's example by a kind of instinctive impulse. He not only bolted through the window like an arrow from a bow, but ran up to his middle in the pond before he gave the least sign of recollection. Then the captain began to bawl, Lord have mercy upon us, pray take care of the gentleman, for God's sake, mind your footing, my dear boy. Get warm blankets, comfort his poor carcass, warm the bed in the green room. Lady Bulford was thunderstruck at this phenomenon, and the rest of the company gazed in silent astonishment, while the servants hastened to assist their master, who suffered himself to be carried back into the parlour without speaking a word. Being instantly accommodated with dry clothes and flannels, comforted with a cordial, and replaced in statu quo, one of the maids was ordered to chafe his lower extremities, an operation in consequence of which his senses seemed to return and his good humour to revive. As we had followed him into the room, he looked at every individual in his turn, with a certain ludicrous expression in his countenance, but fixed his eyes in particular upon Lismahago, who presented him with a pinch of snuff, and when he took it in silence, Sir Thomas Bulford said he, I am much obliged to you for all your favours, and some of them I have endeavoured to repay in your own coin. Give me thy hand, cried the baronet, thou hast indeed paid me scot and lot, and even left a balance in my hands for which in presence of this company I promise to be accountable. So saying he laughed very heartily, and even seemed to enjoy the retaliation which had been exacted at his own expense, but Lady Bulford looked very grave, and in all probability thought the lieutenant had carried his resentment too far, considering that her husband was valetudinary. But according to the proverb, he that will play at bowls must expect to meet with rubbers. I have seen a tame bear, very diverting when properly managed, become a very dangerous wild beast when teased for the entertainment of the spectators. As for Lismahago, he seemed to think the fright and the cold bath would have a good effect upon his patient's constitution. But the doctor hinted some apprehension that the gouty matter might by such a sudden shock be repelled from the extremities and thrown upon some of the more vital parts of the machine. I should be very sorry to see this prognostic verified upon our facetious landlord, who told Mistress Tabitha at parting, that he hoped she would remember him in the distribution of the bride's favours, as he had taken so much pains to put the captain's parts and metal to the proof. After all, I am afraid our squire will appear to be the greatest sufferer by the baronet's wit, for his constitution is by no means calculated for night alarms. He has yawned and shivered all day, and gone to bed without supper, so that as we have got into good quarters, I imagine we shall make a halt to-morrow. In which case, you will have at least one day's respite from the persecution of J. Melford. October the 3rd. End of Section 70 To Mrs. Mary Jones at Brambleton Hall, Dear Mary Jones, Miss Liddy is so good as to enclose me in a kiver as far as Gloucester, and the carrier will bring it to hand. God send us all safe to Monmouthshire, for I'm quite jaded with rambling. Tis a true saying, live and learn. O woman, what chuckling and changing have I seen? Well, there's nothing certain in this world. Who would have thought that Mistress, after all the pains taken for the good of her precious soul, would go for to throw away her poor body? That she would cast the haze of infection upon such a carrying crow as Lashmahago, as old as Methuselyn, as dry as a red herring, and as poor as a starved weasel. Oh, Molly, hathst thou seen him come down the ladder, in a shirt so scanty that it could not kiver his nakedness? The young squire called him done quickset, but he looked for all the world like Kredok at Morgan, the old tinker that suffered at a burgony for stealing of cattle. Then he's a profane scuffle, and as Mr. Clinker says, no better than an infidel, continually playing upon the pie-bill and the new berth. I doubt he has as little manners as money, for he can't say a civil word, much more make me a present of a pair of gloves for good will. But he looks as if he wanted to be very forward and familiar. Oh, that ever a gentle woman of years and discretion should tear her air and cry and despourage herself for such a nub-jack. As the song goes, I vow she would feign love a bird that bids such a price for an owl. But, for certain, he must have dealt with some scotch musician to bring her to this pass. As for me, I put my trust in the Lord, and I have got a slice of witch-elm sold in the gathers of my under-pedi coat. And Mr. Clinker assures me that by the new light of Greece, I may deify the devil and his works. But I know what I know. If mistress should take up with blasphemy hego, this is no service for me. Thank God there's no want of places, and if it weren't for one thing, I would. But, no matter Madame Boehner's woman, has twenty good pounds a year in parquisites, and dresses like a parson of distinction. I dined with her and the valley de-shambles with bags and golden jackets. But there was nothing comfittable to eat, being as how they lived upon board, and having nothing but a piss of cold cuddling tart and some blagmangi. I was tucked with the colic, and a mercy it was that mistress had her vial of acings in the cocks. But as I was saying, I think for certain this match will go forward, for things are come to a creases, and I have seen with my own bays much smuggling. But I scorn for to expose the secrets of the family, and if it once comes to marrying, who knows but the frolic may go round. I believe is how Miss Liddy would have no reversion if her swan would appear, and you would be surprised, Mollie, to receive a bride's fever from your humble servant. But this is all suppository, dear girl, and I have sullenly promised Mr. Clinker that neither man, woman, nor child shall know that arrows set a civil thing to me in the way of infection. I hope to drink your health at Brambleton Hall in a horn of October before the month be out. Pray let my bed be turned once a day, and the wind door opened, while the weather is dry. And burn a few billets with some brush in the footman's garret, and see their mattress be dry as a bone. For both our gentlemen have got a sad cold by lying in damp shits at Sir Thomas Ballfarts. No more at present, but my service to Saul and the rest of our fellow servants, being, dear Mary Jones, always yours, Wyn Jenkins, October 4th. End of Section 71, Recording by Tricia G. To Miss Letticea Willis, at Gloucester, My dear Letty, this method of writing to you from time to time without any hopes of an answer affords me, I own, some ease and satisfaction in the midst of my disquiet, as it, in some degree, lightens the burden of affliction. But it is at best a very imperfect enjoyment of friendship, because it admits of no return of confidence and good counsel. I would give the whole world to have your company for a single day. I am heartily tired of this itinerant way of life. I am quite dizzy with the perpetual succession of objects. Besides, it is impossible to travel such a length of way without being exposed to inconveniences, dangers, and disagreeable accidents, which prove very grievous to a poor creature of weak nerves like me, and make me pay very dear for the gratification of my curiosity. Nature never intended me for the busy world, along for repose and solitude, where I can enjoy that disinterested friendship, which is not to be found among clouds, and indulge those pleasing reveries that shun the hurry and tumult of fashionable society. Unexperienced as I am in the commerce of life, I have seen enough to give me a disgust to the generality of those who carry it on. There is such malice, treachery, and dissimulation, even among professed friends and intimate companions, as cannot fail to strike a virtuous mind with horror. And when vice quits the stage for a moment, her place is immediately occupied by folly, which is often too serious to excite anything but compassion. Perhaps I ought to be silent on the foibles of my poor aunt, but with you, my dear Willis, I have no secrets. And, truly, her weaknesses are such as cannot be concealed. Since the first moment we arrived at Bath, she has been employed constantly in spreading nets for the other six. And, at length, she has caught a superannuated lieutenant who is in a fair way to make her change her name. My uncle and my brother seem to have no objection to this extraordinary match, which, I make no doubt, will afford abundance of matter for conversation and mirth. For my part, I am too sensible of my own weaknesses to be diverted with those of other people. At present, I have something at heart that employs my whole attention, and keeps my mind in the utmost terror and suspense. Yesterday, in the fore known, as I stood with my brother at the parlor window of an inn, where we had lodged, a person passed a horseback, whom, gracious heaven, I instantly discovered to be Wilson. He wore a white riding coat, with the cape buttoned up to his chin, looking remarkably pale, and passed at a round trot, without seeming to observe us. Indeed, he could not see us, for there was a blind that concealed us from the view. You may guess how I was affected by this apparition. The light forsook my eyes, and I was seized with such a palpitation and trembling, that I could not stand. I sat down upon a couch, and strove to compose myself, that my brother might not perceive my agitation. But it was impossible to escape his prying eyes. He had observed the object that alarmed me, and, doubtless, knew him at the first glance. He now looked at me with a stern countenance. Then he ran out into the street, to see what road the unfortunate horseman had taken. He afterwards dispatched his man for further intelligence, and seemed to meditate some violent design. My uncle, being out of order, remained another night at the inn. And all day long, Jerry acted the part of an indefatigable spy upon my conduct. He watched my very looks with such eagerness of attention, as if he would have penetrated into the utmost recesses of my heart. This may be owing to his regard for my honour, if it is not the effect of his own pride. But he is so hot, and violent, and unrelenting, that the sight of him alone throws me into a flutter. And really it will not be in my power to afford him any share of my affection, if he persists in persecuting me at this rate. I am afraid he has formed some scheme of vengeance, which will make me completely wretched. I am afraid he suspects some collusion from this appearance of Wilson. Good God! Did he really appear? Or was it only a phantom, a pale spectre to apprise me of his death? Oh Letty, what shall I do? Where shall I turn for advice and consolation? Shall I implore the protection of my uncle, who has been always kind and compassionate? This must be my last resource. I dread the thoughts of making him uneasy, and would rather suffer a thousand deaths than live the cause of dissension in the family. I cannot conceive the meaning of Wilson's coming hither. Perhaps it was in quest of us, in order to disclose his real name and situation, but wherefore pass without staying to make the least inquiry? My dear Willis, I am lost in conjecture. I have not closed an eye since I saw him. All night long have I been tossed about from one imagination to another. The reflection finds no resting place. I have prayed and sighed and wept plentifully. If this terrible suspense continues much longer, I shall have another fit of illness, and then the whole family will be in confusion. If it was consistent with the wise purposes of Providence, would I wear in my grave? But it is my duty to be resigned. My dear is Letty. Excuse my weakness. Excuse these blots. My tears fall so fast that I cannot keep the paper dry. Yet I ought to consider that I have us yet no cost to despair, but I am such a faint-hearted, timorous creature. Thank God my uncle is much better than he was yesterday. He is resolved to pursue our journey straight to Wales. I hope we shall take Gloucester in our way. That hope cheers my poor heart. I shall once more embrace my best beloved Willis, and pour all my griefs into her friendly bosom. O Heaven, is it possible that such happiness is reserved for? The Dejected and Forlorn. Lydia Malford. October 4th. End of Section 72. Section 73 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Giesen. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 73. To Sir Watkin Phillips Baronet of Jesus College, Oxford. Dear Watkin, I yesterday met with an incident which I believe you will own to be very surprising. As I stood with Lydia at the window of the inn where we had lodged, who should pass by but Wilson, a horse-bag? I could not be mistaken in the person, for I had a full view of him as he advanced. I plainly perceived by my sister's confusion that she recognized him at the same time. I was equally astonished and incensed at his appearance, which I could not but interpret into an insult or something worse. I ran out at the gate, and seeing him turn the corner of the street, I dispatched my servant to observe his motions. But the fellow was too late to bring me that satisfaction. He told me, however, that there was an inn called the Red Lion at that end of the town, where he supposed the horseman had alighted, but that he would not inquire without further orders. I sent him back immediately to know what strangers were in the house, and he returned with a report that there was one Mr. Wilson lately arrived. In consequence of this information, I charged him with a note directed to that gentleman, desiring him to meet me in half an hour in a certain field at the town's end, with a case of pistols, in order to decide the difference which could not be determined at our last encounter. But I did not think proper to subscribe the biais. My man assured me he had delivered it into his own hand, and that having read it, he declared he would wait upon the gentleman at the place and time appointed. McAlpin being an old soldier, and luckily sober at the time, I entrusted him with my secret. I ordered him to be within call, and having given him a letter to be delivered to my uncle in case of accident, I repaired to the rendezvous, which was an enclosed field at a little distance from the highway. I found my antagonist had already taken his ground, wrapped in a dark horseman's coat, with a laced hat flapped over his eyes. But what was my astonishment when, throwing off this wrapper, he appeared to be a person whom I had never seen before. He had one pistol stuck in a leather belt, and another in his hand ready for action, and advancing a few steps, called to know if I was ready. I answered, No, and desired a parley, upon which he turned the muzzle of his piece towards the earth, then replaced it in his belt, and met me half-way. When I assured him he was not the man I expected to meet, he said it might be so, that he had received a slip of paper directed to Mr. Wilson, requesting him to come hither, and that as there was no other in the place of that name, he naturally concluded the note was intended for him, and him only. I then gave him to understand that I had been injured by a person who assumed that name, which person I had actually seen within the hour passing through the street on horseback. But hearing there was a Mr. Wilson at the Red Lion, I took it for granted he was the man, and in that belief had writ the be-ye. And I expressed my surprise that he, who was a stranger to me and my concerns, should give me such a rendezvous without taking the trouble to demand a previous explanation. He replied that there was no other of his name in the whole country, that no such horseman had alighted at the Red Lion since nine o'clock when he arrived, that having had the honour to serve his majesty, he thought he could not decently decline any invitation of this kind from what quarter, so ever, it might come, and that if any explanation was necessary it did not belong to him to demand it, but to the gentleman who summoned him into the field. Vext as I was at this adventure I could not help admiring the coolness of this officer, whose open countenance prepossessed me in his favour. He seemed to be turned of forty, wore his own short black hair, which curled naturally about his ears, and was very plain in his apparel. When I begged pardon for the trouble I had given him, he received my apology with great good humour. He told me that he lived about ten miles off at a small farmhouse, which would afford me tolerable lodging if I would come and take diversion of hunting with him for a few weeks, in which case we might perhaps find out the man who had given me offence. I thanked him very sincerely for his courteous offer, which I told him I was not at liberty to accept at present, on account of my being engaged in a family party. And so we parted with mutual professions of goodwill and esteem. Now tell me, dear knight, what am I to make of this singular adventure? Am I to suppose that the horseman I saw was really a thing of flesh and blood, or a bubble that vanished into air? Or must I imagine Liddy knows more of the matter than she chooses to disclose? If I thought her capable of carrying on any clandestine correspondence with such a fellow, I should at once discard all tenderness and forget that she was connected with me by the ties of blood. But how is it possible that a girl of her simplicity and inexperience should maintain such an intercourse, surrounded as she is with so many eyes, destitute of all opportunity, and shifting quarters every day of her life? Besides, she has solemnly promised. No, I can't think the girl so base, so insensible to the honour of her family. What disturbs me chiefly is the impression which these occurrences seem to make upon her spirits. These are the symptoms from which I conclude that the rascal has still a hold on her affection. Surely I have the right to call him a rascal, and to conclude that his designs are infamous. But it shall be my fault if he does not one day repent his presumption. I confess I cannot think much less right on this subject with any degree of temper or patience. I shall therefore conclude with telling you that we hope to be in Wales by the latter end of the month, but before that period you will probably hear again from your affectionate J. Melford. October 4th End of Section 73 Section 74 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Martin Geeson The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett Section 74 To Sir Watkin Phillips, Baronet of Jesus College, Oxford Dear Phillips, when I wrote you by last post, I did not imagine I should be tempted to trouble you again so soon, but I now sit down with a heart so full that it cannot contain itself, though I am under such agitation of spirits that you are to expect neither method nor connection in this address. We have been this day within a hair's breadth of losing honest Matthew Bramble in consequence of a cursed accident which I will endeavour to explain. In crossing the country to get into the post-road, it was necessary to ford a river, and we that were a horseback passed without any danger or difficulty. But a great quantity of rain having fallen last night and this morning there was such an accumulation of water that a mill-head gave way, just as the coach was passing under it, and the flood rushed down with such impetuosity as first floated, and then fairly overturned the carriage in the middle of the stream. This Mahago and I, and the two servants alighting instantaneously, ran into the river to give all the assistance in our power. Our aunt, Mistress Tabitha, who had the good fortune to be uppermost, was already halfway out of the coach window when her lover approaching disengaged her entirely. But whether his foot slipped or the birthing was too great, they fell overhead and ears in each other's arms. He endeavoured more than once to get up, and even to disentangle himself from her embrace, but she hung about his neck like a millstone. No bad emblem of matrimony! And if my man had not proved a staunch auxiliary, those two lovers would in all probability have gone hand in hand to the shades below. For my part I was too much engaged to take any cognizance of their distress. I snatched out my sister by the hair of the head, and dragging her to the bank, recollected that my uncle had not yet appeared. Rushing again into the stream, I met Klinker hauling ashore Mistress Jenkins, who looked like a mermaid with her hair dishevelled about her ears. But when I asked if his master was safe, he forthwith shook her from him, and she must have gone to pot if a miller had not seasonably come to her relief. As for Humphrey, he flew like lightning to the coach that was by this time filled with water, and diving into it brought up the poor squire, to all appearance deprived of life. It is not in my power to describe what I felt at this melancholy spectacle. It was such an agony as baffles all description. The faithful Klinker, taking him up in his arms, as if he had been an infant of six months, carried him ashore, howling most piteously all the way, and I followed him in a transport of grief and consternation. When he was laid upon the grass and turned from side to side, a great quantity of water ran out at his mouth. Then he opened his eyes and fetched a deep sigh. Klinker, perceiving these signs of life, immediately tied up his arm with a garter, and pulling out a horse-fleam, let him blood in the farrier style. At first a few drops only, issued from the orifice, but the limb being chafed, in a little time the blood began to flow in a continued stream, and he uttered some incoherent words, which were the most welcome sounds that ever saluted my ear. There was a country in hard by, the landlord of which had by this time come with his people to give their assistance. Thither my uncle being carried was undressed and put to bed, wrapped in warm blankets. But having been moved too soon, he fainted away, and once more lay without sense or motion, notwithstanding all the efforts of Klinker and the landlord, who bathed his temples with hungry water, and held a smelling-bottle of wine, and held a smelling-bottle to his nose. As I had heard of the efficacy of salt in such cases, I ordered all that was in the house to be laid under his head and body. And whether this application had the desired effect, or nature of herself prevailed, he in less than a quarter of an hour began to breathe regularly, and soon retrieved his recollection to the unspeakable joy of all the bystanders. As for Klinker, his brain seemed to be affected. He laughed and wept, and danced about in such a distracted manner that the landlord very judiciously conveyed him out of the room. My uncle seeing me dropping wet, comprehended the whole of what had happened, and asked if all the company was safe. Being answered in the affirmative, he insisted upon my putting on dry clothes, and having swallowed a little warm wine, desired he might be left to his repose. Before I went to shift myself, I inquired about the rest of the family. I found Mistress Tabitha still delirious from her fright, discharging very copiously the water she had swallowed. She was supported by the captain, distilling drops from his uncurled periwig, so lank and so dank, that he looked like father Thames without his sedges, embracing Isis, while she cascaded in his urn. Mistress Jenkins was present also in a loose bed-gown, without either cap or handkerchief, but she seemed to be as little composmentous as her mistress, and acted so many cross-purposes in the course of her attendance that between the two, Lizma Hago had occasion for all his philosophy. As for Liddy, I thought the poor girl would have actually lost her senses. The good woman of the house had shifted her linen and put her into bed, but she was seized with the idea that her uncle had perished, and in this persuasion made a dismal outcry. Nor did she pay the least regard to what I said when I solemnly assured her he was safe. Mr. Bramble hearing the noise, and being informed of her apprehension, desired she might be brought into his chamber, and she no sooner received this intimation than she ran the half-naked, with the wildest expression of eagerness in her countenance. Seeing the squire sitting up in the bed, she sprung forwards and throwing her arms about his neck, exclaimed in a most pathetic tone. Are you, are you indeed my uncle, my dear uncle, my best friend, my father? Are you really living, or is it an illusion of my poor brain? Honest Matthew was so much affected that he could not help shedding tears, while he kissed her forehead, saying, my dear Liddy, I hope I shall live long enough to show how sensible I am of your affection. But your spirits are fluttered, child. You want rest. Go to bed and compose yourself. Well, I will, she replied, but still me thinks this cannot be real. The coach was full of water. My uncle was under us all. Grecious God, you was under water. How did you get out? Tell me that, or I shall think this is all a deception. In what manner I was brought out, I know as little as you do, my dear, said the squire, and truly that is a circumstance of which I want to be informed. I would have given him a detail of the whole adventure, but he would not hear me until I should change my clothes, so that I had only time to tell him that he owed his life to the courage and fidelity of Clinker, and having given him this hint, I conducted my sister to her own chamber. This accident happened about three o'clock in the afternoon, and in little more than an hour the hurricane was all over. But as the carriage was found to be so much damaged, that it could not proceed without considerable repairs, a blacksmith and wheelwright were immediately sent for to the next market town, and we congratulated ourselves on being housed at an inn which, though remote from the post-road, afforded exceeding good lodging. The women being pretty well composed, and the men all afoot, my uncle sent for his servant, and in the presence of Liz Mahago and me accosted him in these words. So, Clinker, I find you are resolved, I shan't die by water. As you have fished me up from the bottom at your own risk, you are at least entitled to all the money that was in my pocket, and there it is. So, saying, he presented him with a purse containing thirty guineas, and a ring nearly of the same value. God forbid, cried Clinker, your honour shall excuse me. I am a poor fellow, but I have a heart. Oh, if your honour did but know how I rejoice to see! Blessed be his holy name that made me the humble instrument! But as for the lucre of guine, I renounce it. I have done no more than my duty. No more than I would have done for the most worthless of my fellow creatures. No more than I would have done for Captain Liz Mahago or Archie Macalpin, or any sinner upon earth. But for your worship I would go through fire as well as water. I do believe it, Humphrey, said the squire, but as you think it was your duty to save my life at the hazard of your own, I think it is mine to express the sense I have of your extraordinary fidelity and attachment. I insist upon your receiving this small token of my gratitude. But don't imagine that I look upon this as an adequate recompense for the service you have done me. I have determined to settle thirty pounds a year upon you for life, and I desire these gentlemen will bear witness to this my intention, of which I have a memorandum in my pocket-book. Lord, make me thankful for all these mercies, cried Klinka sobbing. I have been a poor bankrupt from the beginning. Your honour's goodness found me when I was naked, when I was sick and forlorn. I understand your honour's looks. I would not give a fence, but my heart is very full. And if your worship won't give me leave to speak, I must vent it in prayers to heaven for my benefactor. When he quitted the room, Liz Mahago said he should have a much better opinion of his honesty. If he did not whine and count so abominably, but that he had always observed those weeping and praying fellows were hypocrites at bottom. Mr. Bramble made no reply to this sarcastic remark, proceeding from the Lieutenant's resentment of Klinka, having in pure simplicity of heart, ranked him with Macalpin and the sinners of the earth. The landlord being called to receive some orders about the beds, told the squire that his house was very much at his service, but he was sure he should not have the honour to lodge him and his company. He gave us to understand that his master, who lived hard by, would not suffer us to be at a public house when there was accommodation for us at his own, and that if he had not dined abroad in the neighbourhood, he would have undoubtedly come to offer his services at our first arrival. He then launched out in praise of that gentleman whom he had served as butler, representing him as a perfect miracle of goodness and generosity. He said he was a person of great learning, and allowed to be the best farmer in the country. But he had a lady who was as much beloved as himself, and an only son, a very hopeful young gentleman, just recovered from a dangerous fever, which he'd like to have proved fatal to the whole family. For if the son had died, he was sure the parents would not have survived their loss. He had not yet finished the encomium of Mr. Denison when this gentleman arrived in a post-shares, and his appearance seemed to justify all that had been said in his favour. He is pretty well advanced in years, but hail, robust and florid, with an ingenuous countenance, expressive of good sense and humanity. Having condoled with us on the accident which had happened, he said he was come to conduct us to his habitation, where we should be less incommodated than at such a paltry inn, and expressed his hope that the ladies would not be the worse for going thither in his carriage, as the distance was not above a quarter of a mile. My uncle, having made a proper return to this courteous exhibition, eyed him attentively, and then asked if he had not been at Oxford, a commoner of Queen's College. When Mr. Denison answered, Yes, with some marks of surprise. Look at me, then, said our squire, and let us see if you can recollect the features of an old friend whom you have not seen these forty years. The gentleman taking him by the hand, and gazing at him earnestly, I protest, cried he, I do think I recall the idea of Matthew Lloyd of Glamorganshire, who was student of Jesus. Well remembered, my dear friend Charles Denison, exclaimed my uncle, pressing him to his breast. I am that very identical Matthew Lloyd of Glamorgan. Clinker, who had just entered the room with some coals for the fire, no sooner heard these words than throwing down the scuttle on the toes of Liz Mahago, he began to caper as if he was mad, crying Matthew Lloyd of Glamorgan. Oh, Providence, Matthew Lloyd of Glamorgan. Then, clasping my uncle's knees, he went on in this manner. Your worship must forgive me. Matthew Lloyd of Glamorgan. Oh, Lord, sir, I can't contain myself. I shall lose my senses. Nay, thou hast lost them already, I believe, said the squire, peevishly. Prithee, clinker, be quiet. What is the matter? Humphrey, fumbling in his bosom, pulled out an old wooden snuff-box, which he presented in great trepidation to his master, who, opening it immediately, perceived a small cornelian seal and two scraps of paper. At sight of these articles, he started and changed colour, and casting his eye upon the inscriptions. Ah, how? What? Wah! cried he, as the person here named. Clinker, knocking his own breast, could hardly pronounce these words. Here, here, here is Matthew Lloyd as the certificate showeth. Humphrey, clinker, was the name of the farrier that took me prentice. And who gave you these tokens? said my uncle hastily. My poor mother on her death-bed, replied the other. And who was your mother? Dorothy Twyford, and please your honour, here to form Barkeeper the Angel at Chippenham. And why were not these tokens produced before? My mother told me she had wrote to Glamorganshire at the time of my birth, but had no answer, and that afterwards, when she made inquiry, there was no such person in that county. And so in consequence of my changing my name, and going abroad at that very time, thy poor mother and thou have been left to want and misery. I really am shocked at the consequence of my own folly. Then, laying his hand on clinker's head, he added, Stand forth, Matthew Lloyd. You see, gentlemen, how the sins of my youth rise up in judgment against me. Here is my direction, written with my own hand, and a seal which I left at the woman's request, and this is a certificate of the child's baptism, signed by the curate of the parish. The company were not a little surprised at this discovery, upon which Mr. Denison facetiously congratulated both the father and the son. For my part, I shook my newfound cousin heartily by the hand, and Liz Mahago complimented him with the tears in his eyes, for he had been hopping about the room, swearing in broad scotch, and bellowing with the pain occasioned by the fall of the coal-scuttle upon his foot. He had even vowed to drive the soul out of the body of that mad rascal, but perceiving the unexpected turn which things had taken, he wished him joy of his good fortune, observing that it went very near his heart, as he was like to be a great toe out of pocket by the discovery. Mr. Denison now desired to know for what reason my uncle had changed the name by which he knew him at Oxford, and our squire satisfied him by answering to this effect. I took my mother's name, which was Lloyd, as heir to her lands in Glamorganshire, but when I came of age I sold that property in order to clear my paternal estate, and resumed my real name, so that I am now Matthew Bramble of Brambleton Hall in Monmouthshire, at your service, and this is my nephew Jeremy Melford of Bellefield in the county of Glamorgan. At that instant the ladies entering the room he presented Mistress Tabitha as his sister, and Liddy as his niece. The old gentleman saluted them very cordially, and seemed struck with the appearance of my sister, whom he could not help surveying with a mixture of complacency and surprise. Sister, said my uncle, there is a poor relation that recommends himself to your good graces. The quantum Humphrey clinker is metamorphosed into Matthew Lloyd, and claims the honour of being your carnal kinsman. In short the rogue proves to be a crab of my own planting in the days of hot blood and unrestrained libertinism. Clinker had by this time dropped upon one knee by the side of Mistress Tabitha, who, eyeing him as scants, and flirting her fan with marks of agitation, thought proper after some conflict to hold out her hand for him to kiss, saying with a demure aspect, Brother, you have been very wicked, but I hope you'll live to see the folly of your ways. I am very sorry to say the young man whom you have this day acknowledged has more grace and religion by the gift of God than you with all your profane learning and repeated opportunity. I do think he has got the trick of the eye and the tip of the nose of my uncle Lloyd of fluid welding, and as for the long chin it is the very moral of the governor's. Brother, as you have changed his name, pray change his dress also, that livery does not become any person that hath got our blood in his veins. Liddy seemed much pleased with this acquisition to the family. She took him by the hand, declaring she should always be proud to own her connection with a virtuous young man, who had given so many proofs of his gratitude and affection to her uncle. Mistress Winifred Jenkins, extremely fluttered between her surprise at this discovery, and the apprehension of losing her sweetheart, exclaimed in a giggling tone, I wish you joy, Mr. Clinker. Floyd, I would say, you'll be so proud you won't look at your poor fellow-servants. Honest Clinker owned he was overjoyed at his good fortune, which was greater than he deserved. But wherefore should I be proud? said he, a poor abject conceived in sin, and brought forth in iniquity, nursed in a parish workhouse, and bred in a smithy. Whenever I seem proud, Mistress Jenkins, I beg of you to put me in mind of the condition I was in, when I first saw you between Chepanum and Marlborough. When this momentous affair was discussed to the satisfaction of all parties concerned, the weather being dry, the ladies declined the carriage, so that we walked altogether to Mr. Denison's house, where we found the tea ready prepared by his lady, an amiable matron, who received us with all the benevolence of hospitality. The house is old-fashioned and irregular, but lodgable and commodious. To the south it has the river in front, at the distance of a hundred paces, and on the north there is a rising ground covered with an agreeable plantation. The greens and walks are kept in the nicest order, and all is rural and romantic. I have not yet seen the young gentleman, who is on a visit to a friend in the neighbourhood, from whose house he is not expected till tomorrow. In the meantime, as there is a man going to the next market town with letters for the post, I take this opportunity to send you the history of this day, which has been remarkably full of adventures. And you alone, I give you them like a beefstake at Dollis, hot and hot, without ceremony and parade, just as they come from the recollection of yours, J. End of Section 74. Section 75 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Deborah Lynn. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 75. To Dr. Lewis. Dear Dick, since the last trouble I gave you, I have met with a variety of incidents, some of them of a singular nature, which I reserve as a fund for conversation, but there are others so interesting that they will not keep in petto till meeting. No, then, it was a thousand pounds to a sixpence that you should now be executing my will instead of perusing my letter. Two days ago, our coach was overturned in the midst of a rapid river, where my life was saved with the utmost difficulty by the courage, activity, and presence of mind of my servant Humphrey Clinker. But this is not the most surprising circumstance of the adventure. The said Humphrey Clinker proves to be Matthew Lloyd, natural son of one Matthew Lloyd of Glamorgan. If you know any such person, you see, doctor, that notwithstanding all your philosophy, it is not without some reason that the Welshman ascribed such energy to the force of blood. But we shall discuss this point on some future occasion. This is not the only discovery which I made in consequence of our disaster. We happen to be wrecked upon a friendly shore. The Lord of the Manor is no other than Charles Denison, our fellow rake at Oxford. We are now happily housed with that gentleman, who has really attained to that pitch of rural felicity at which I have been aspiring these 20 years in vain. He is blessed with a consort whose disposition is suited to his own in all respects, tender, generous, and benevolent. She, moreover, possesses an uncommon share of understanding fortitude and discretion, and is admirably qualified to be his companion, confidant, counselor, and co-agitrix. These excellent persons have an only son about 19 years of age, just such a youth as they could have wished that heaven would be stowed to fill up the measure of their enjoyment. In a word, they know no other allay to their happiness but their apprehension and anxiety about the life and concerns of this beloved object. Our old friend, who had the misfortune to be a second brother, was bred to the law and even called to the bar, but he did not find himself qualified to shine in that province and had very little inclination for his profession. He disobliged his father by marrying for love without any consideration of fortune so that he had little or nothing to depend upon for some years, but his practice was afforded him a bare subsistence, and the prospect of an increasing family began to give him disturbance and disquiet. In the meantime, his father dying was succeeded by his elder brother, a fox hunter and a sot, who neglected his affairs, insulted and oppressed his servants, and in a few years had well and I ruined the state when he was happily carried off by a fever the immediate consequence of a debauch. Charles, with the approbation of his wife, immediately determined to quit business and retire into the country, although this resolution was strenuously and zealously opposed by every individual whom he consulted on the subject. Those who had tried the experiment assured him that he could not pretend to breathe in the country for less than the double of what his estate produced. That in order to be upon the footing of a gentleman, he would be obliged to keep horses, hounds, carriages with a suitable number of servants and maintain an elegant table for the entertainment of his neighbors. The farming was a mystery known only to those who had been bred up to it from the cradle, the success of it depending not only upon skill and industry, but also upon such attention and economy as no gentleman could be supposed to give or practice. Accordingly, every attempt made by gentlemen miscarried and not a few had been ruined by their prosecution of agriculture. Nay, they affirmed that he would find it cheaper to buy hay and oats for his cattle and to go to market for poultry, eggs, kitchen herbs and roots and even the most inconsiderable article of housekeeping than to have those articles produced on his own ground. These objections did not deter Mr. Denison because they were chiefly founded on the supposition that he would be obliged to lead a life of extravagance and dissipation which he and his consort equally detested, despised and determined to avoid. The objects he had in view were health of body, peace of mind, and the private satisfaction of domestic quiet unallayed by actual want and uninterrupted by the fears of indigence. He was very moderate in his estimate of the necessaries and even of the comforts of life. He required nothing but wholesome air, pure water, agreeable exercise, plain diet, convenient lodging, and decent apparel. He reflected that if a peasant without education or any great share of natural sagacity could maintain a large family and even become opulent upon a farm for which he paid an annual rent of two or three hundred pounds to the landlord, surely he himself might hope for some success from his industry having no rent to pay but on the contrary three or four hundred pounds a year to receive. He considered that the earth was an indulgent mother that yielded her fruits to all her children without distinction. He had studied the theory of agriculture with a degree of eagerness and delight and he could not conceive there was any mystery in the practice but what he should be able to disclose by dint of care and application. With respect to household expense he entered into a minute detail and investigation by which he perceived the assertions of his friends were altogether erroneous. He found he should save 60 pounds a year in the single article of house rent and as much more in pocket money and contingencies that even butcher's meat was 20% cheaper in the country than in London but that poultry and almost every other circumstance of housekeeping might be had for less than one half of what they cost in town. Besides a considerable saving on the side of dress and being delivered from the oppressive imposition of ridiculous modes invented by ignorance and adopted by folly. As to the danger of vying with the rich and pomp and equipage they never gave him the least disturbance. He was now turned to 40 and having lived half that time in the busy scenes of life was well skilled in the science of mankind. There cannot be in nature a more contemptible figure than that of a man who with 500 a year presumes to rival and expense a neighbor who possesses five times that income. His ostentation far from concealing serves only to discover his indigence and render his vanity the more shocking for it attracts the eyes of censure and excites the spirit of inquiry. There is not a family in the county nor a servant in his own house nor a farmer in the parish but what knows the utmost farthing that his lands produce and all these behold him with scorn or compassion. I am surprised that these reflections do not occur to persons in this unhappy dilemma and produce a salutary effect. But the truth is of all the passions incident to human nature vanity is that which most effectually perverts the faculties of the understanding. Nay it sometimes becomes so incredibly depraved as to aspire at infamy and find pleasure in bearing the stigmas of reproach. I have now given you a sketch of the character and situation of Mr. Denison when he came down to take possession of this estate but as the messenger who carries the letters to the next town is just setting off I shall reserve what further I have to say on this subject till the next post when you shall certainly hear from yours always Matt Bramble October 8 end of section 75 section 76 of the expedition of Humphrey clinker this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information and order volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Deborah Lynn the expedition of Humphrey clinker by Tobias Smollett section 76 to Dr. Lewis once more dear doctor I resume the pen for your amusement it was on the morning after our arrival that walking out with my friend Mr. Denison I could not help breaking forth into the warmest expressions of applause at the beauty of the scene which is really enchanting and I signified in particular how much I was pleased with the disposition of some detached groves that afforded at once shelter and ornament to his habitation when I took possession of these lands about two and twenty years ago said he there was not a tree standing within a mile of the house except those of an old neglected orchard which produced nothing but leaves and moss it was in the gloomy month of November when I arrived and found the house in such a condition that it might have been justly styled the tower of desolation the courtyard was covered with nettles and docks and the garden exhibited such a rank plantation of weeds as I had never seen before the window shutters were falling in pieces the sashes broken and owls and jackdaws had taken possession of the chimneys the prospect within was still mortuary all was dark and damp and dirty beyond description the rain penetrated in several parts of the roof in some apartments the very floors had given way the hangings were parted from the walls and shaking and moldy remnants the glasses were dropping out of their frames the family pictures were covered with dust and all the chairs and tables were meeting and crazy there was not a bed in the house that could be used except one old fashioned machine with a high guilt tester and fringed curtains of yellow mohair which had been fraught I know two centuries in the family in short there was no furniture but the utensils of the kitchen and the seller afforded nothing but a few empty butts and barrels that stunk so abominably that I would not suffer anybody to enter it until I had flashed a considerable quantity of gunpowder to qualify the foul air within an old cottage your and his wife who were hired to lie in the house had left it with precipitation alleging among other causes of retreat that they could not sleep for frightful noises and that my poor brother certainly walked after his death in a word the house appeared uninhabitable the barn stable and outhouses were in ruins all the fences broken down in the fields lying waste the farmer who kept the key never dreamed I had any intention to live upon the spot he rented a farm of 60 pounds and his lease was just expiring he had formed a scheme of being appointed bailiff to the estate and of converting the house and the adjacent grounds to his own use a hint of his intention I received from the curate at my first arrival I therefore did not pay much regard to what he said by way of discouraging me from coming to settle in the country but I was a little startled when he gave me warning that he should quit the farm at the expiration of his lease unless I could abate considerably in the rent at this period I accidentally became acquainted with a person whose friendship laid the foundation of all my prosperity in the next market town a chance to dine at an end with a mr. Wilson who was lately come to settle in the neighborhood he had been lieutenant of a man of war but quitted the sea in some disgust and married the only daughter of farmer bland who lives in this parish and has acquired a good fortune in the way of husbandry Wilson is one of the best natured men I ever knew brave frank obliging and ingenuous he liked my conversation I was charmed with his liberal manner and acquaintance immediately commenced and this was soon improved into a friendship without reserve there are characters which like similar particles of matter strongly attract each other he forthwith introduced me to his father-in-law farmer bland who was well acquainted with every acre of my estate of consequence well qualified to advise me on this occasion finding I was inclined to embrace the country life and even to amuse myself with the occupation of farming he approved of my design he gave me to understand that all my farmers were under let that the estate was capable of great improvement that there was plenty of chalk in the neighborhood and that my own ground produced excellent moral for manure with respect to the farm which was like to fall into my hands he said he would willingly take it at the present rent but at the same time owned that if I would expend 200 pounds in enclosure it would be worth more than double the sum thus encouraged I began the execution of my scheme without further delay and plunged into a sea of expense though I had no fund in reserve and the whole produce of the estate did not exceed 300 pounds a year in one week my house was made weather tight and thoroughly cleansed from top to bottom then it was well ventilated by throwing all the doors and windows open and making blazing fires of wood in every chimney from the kitchen to the garrets the floors were repaired the sashes new glazed and out of the old furniture of the whole house I made shift to fit up a parlor and three chambers in a plain yet decent manner the courtyard was cleared of weeds and rubbish and my friend wilson charged himself for the dressing of the garden brick layers were set at work upon the barn and stable and laborers engaged to restore the fences and begin the work of hedging and ditching under the direction of farmer bland at whose recommendation I hired a careful hind to lie in the house and keep constant fires in the apartments having taken these measures I returned to london where I forthwith sold off my household furniture and in three weeks from my first visit brought my wife hither to keep her christmas considering the gloomy season of the year the dreariness of the place and the decayed aspect of our habitation I was afraid that her resolution would sink under the sudden transition from a town life to such a melancholy state of rustication but I was agreeably disappointed she found the reality less uncomfortable than the picture I had drawn by this time indeed things were mended in appearance the outhouses had risen out of their ruins the pigeon house was rebuilt and replenished by wilson who also put my garden in decent order and provided a good stock of poultry which made an agreeable figure in my yard and the house on the whole looked like the habitation of human creatures farmer bland spared me a milch cow for my family and an ordinary saddle horse for my servant to go to market at the next town I hired a country lad for a footman the hind's daughter was my housemaid and my wife had brought a cookmaid from London such was my family when I began housekeeping in this place with 300 pounds in my pocket raised from the sale of my superfluous furniture I knew we should find occupation enough through the day to employ our time but I dreaded the long winter evenings yet for those two we found a remedy the curate who was a single man soon became so naturalized to the family that he generally lay in the house and his company was equally agreeable and useful he was a modest man a good scholar and perfectly well qualified to instruct me in such country matters as I wanted to know Mr. Wilson brought his wife to see us and she became so fond of Mrs. Denison that she said she was never so happy as when she enjoyed the benefit of her conversation she was then a fine buxom country lass exceedingly docile and as good natured as her husband Jack Wilson so that a friendship ensued among the women which had continued to this day as for Jack he had been my constant companion counselor in commissary I would not for a hundred pounds you should leave my house without seeing him Jack is a universal genius his talents are really astonishing he is an excellent carpenter joiner and turner and a cunning artist in iron and brass he not only superintendent my economy but also presided over my past times he taught me to brew beer to make cider perry mead luskaba and flag water to cook several outlandish delicacies such as olives pepper pots pilots quarries chabobs and stuff at us he understands all manner of games from chess down to chuck farthing sings a good song plays upon the violin and dances a hornpipe with surprising agility he and I walked and rode and hunted and fished together without mining the vicissitudes of the weather and I am persuaded that in a raw moist climate like this of England continual exercise is as necessary as food to the preservation of the individual in the course of two and 20 years there has not been one hour's interruption or abatement in the friendships of assisting between Wilson's family and mine and what is a rare instance of good fortune that friendship is continued to our children his son and mine are nearly of the same age and the same disposition they have been bred up together at the same school and college and love each other with the warmest affection by wilson's means I likewise formed an acquaintance with a sensible physician who lives in the next market town and his sister an agreeable old maiden past the christmas holidays at our house meanwhile I began my farming with great eagerness and that very winter planted these groves that please you so much as for the neighboring gentry I had no trouble from that quarter during my first campaign they were all gone to town before I settled in the country and by the summer I had taken measures to defend myself from their attacks when a gay equipage came to my gates I was never at home those who visited me in a modest way I received and according to the remarks I made on their characters in conversation either rejected their advances or returned their civility I was in general despised among the fashionable company as a low fellow both in breeding and circumstances nevertheless I found a few individuals of moderate fortune who gladly adopted my style of living and many others would have exceeded to our society had they not been prevented by the pride envy and ambition of their wives and daughters those in times of luxury and dissipation are the rocks upon which all the small estates in the country are wrecked I reserved in my own hands some acres of ground adjacent to the house for making experiments in agriculture according to the directions of lile tall heart to homo and others who have written on this subject and qualified their theory with the practical observations of farmer bland who was my great master in the art of husbandry in short I became enamored of a country life and my success greatly exceeded my expectation I drained bogs burned heath grubbed up furs and fern I planted cops and willows where nothing else would grow I gradually enclosed all my farms and made such improvements that my estate now yields me clear 1200 pounds a year all this time my wife and I have enjoyed uninterrupted health and a regular flow of spirits except on a very few occasions when our cheerfulness was invaded by such accidents as are inseparable from the condition of life I lost two children in their infancy by the smallpox so that I have one son only in whom all our hopes are centered he went yesterday to visit a friend with whom he has stayed all night but he will be here to dinner I shall this day have the pleasure of presenting him to you and your family and I flatter myself you will find him not all together unworthy of our affection the truth is either I am blinded by the partiality of a parent or he is a boy of very amiable character and yet his conduct has given us unspeakable disquiet you must know we had projected a match between him and a gentleman's daughter in the next county who will in all probability be heiress of a considerable fortune but it seems he had a personal disgust to the alliance he was then at Cambridge and tried to gain time on various pretenses but being pressed in letters by his mother and me to give a definitive answer he fairly gave his tutor the slip and disappeared about eight months ago before he took this rash step he wrote me a letter explaining his objections to the match and declaring that he would keep himself concealed until he should understand that his parents were dispensed with his contracting and engagement that must make him miserable for life and he prescribed the form of advertising in a certain newspaper by which he might be apprised of our sentiments on this subject you may easily conceive how much we were alarmed and afflicted by this elopement which he had made without dropping the least hint to his companion Charles Wilson who belonged to the same college we resolved to punish him with the appearance of neglect in hopes that he would return of his own accord but he maintained his purpose till the young lady chose a partner for herself then he produced himself and made his peace by the mediation of Wilson suppose we should unite our families by joining him with your niece who is one of the most lovely creatures i ever beheld my wife is already as fond of her as if she were her own child and i have a presentiment that my son will be captivated by her at first sight nothing could be more agreeable to all our family said i than such an alliance but my dear friend candor obliges me to tell you that i am afraid litty's heart is not wholly disengaged there is a cursed obstacle you mean the young stroller gloster said he you are surprised that i should know the circumstance but you will be more surprised when i tell you that stroller is no other than my son george denison that was the character he assumed in his eclipse i am indeed astonished and overjoyed cried i and shall be happy beyond expression to see your proposal take effect he then gave me to understand that the young gentleman at his emerging from concealment had disclosed his passion for miss melford the niece of mr bramble of mom of sure though mr denison little dreamed that this was his old friend matthew Lloyd he nevertheless furnished his son with proper credentials and he had been at bath london and many other places in quest of us to make himself and his pretensions known the bad success of his inquiry had such an effect upon his spirits that immediately at his return he was seized with a dangerous fever which overwhelmed his parents with terror and affliction but he was now happily recovered though still weak and disconsolate my nephew joining us in our walk i informed him of these circumstances with which he was wonderfully pleased he declared he would promote the match to the utmost of his power and that he longed to embrace young mr denison as his friend and brother meanwhile the father went to desire his wife to communicate this discovery gradually to litty that her delicate nerves might not suffer too sudden a shock and i imparted the particulars to my sister tabby who expressed some surprise not altogether unmixed i believe with an emotion of envy for those she could have no objection to an alliance at once so honorable and advantageous she hesitated in giving her consent on pretense of the youth and inexperience of the parties at length however she acquiesced in consequence of having consulted with captain list mahogany mr denison took care to be in the way when his son arrived at the gate and without giving him time or opportunity to make any inquiry about the strangers brought him upstairs to be presented to mr. Lloyd and his family the first person he saw when he entered the room was litty who notwithstanding all her preparations stood trembling in the utmost confusion at sight of this object he was fixed motionless to the floor and gazing at her with the utmost eagerness of astonishment exclaimed sacred heaven what is this wherefore here his speech failing he stood straining his eyes in the most emphatic silence george said his father this is my friend mr. Lloyd rouse that this intimation he turned and received my salute when i said young gentleman if you had trusted me with your secret at our last meeting we should have parted upon better terms before he could make any answer jerry came around and stood before him with open arms at first he started and changed color but after a short pause he rushed into his embrace and they hugged one another as if they had been intimate friends from their infancy then he paid his respects to mrs. Tabatha and advancing to litty is it possible cried he that my senses did not play me false then i see miss melford under my father's roof that i am permitted to speak to her without giving offense and that her relations have honored me with her countenance and protection litty blushed and trembled and faltered to be sure sir said she it is a very surprising circumstance a great provident so i really know not what i say but i beg you will think i have said what's agreeable mrs. denison interposing said compose yourselves my dear children your mutual happiness shall be our peculiar care the son going up to his mother kissed one hand my niece bathed the other with her tears and the good old lady pressed them both in their turns to her breast the lovers were too much affected to get rid of their embarrassment for one day but the scene was much enlivened by the arrival of jack wilson who brought as usual some game of his own killing his honest countenance was a good letter of recommendation i received him like a dear friend after a long separation and it could not help wondering to see him shake jerry by the hand as an old acquaintance they had indeed been acquainted some days in consequence of a diverting incident which i shall explain at meeting that same night a consultation was held upon the concerns of the lovers when the match was formally agreed to and all the marriage articles were settled without the least dispute my nephew and i promised to make lilies fortune five thousand pounds mr. denison declared he would make over one half of his estate immediately to his son and that his daughter-in-law should be secured in a joint share of 400 tabby proposed that considering their youth they should undergo one year at least a probation before the indissoluble not should be tied but the young gentleman being very impatient and important and the scheme implying that the young couple should live in the house under the wings of his parents we resolved to make them happy without further delay as the law requires that the parties should be some weeks resident in the parish we shall stay here till the ceremony is performed mr. list mahogo requests that he may take the benefit of the same occasion so that next sunday the bands will be published for all four together i doubt i shall not be able to pass my christmas with you at brambleton hall indeed i am so agreeably situated in this place that i have no desire to shift my quarters and i foresee that when the day of separation comes there will be abundance of sorrow on all sides in the meantime we must make the most of those blessings which heaven bestows considering how you are tethered by your profession i cannot hope to see you so far from home yet the distance does not exceed a summer or day's journey and charles denison who desires to be remembered to you would be rejoiced to see his old competitor but as i am now stationary i expect regular answers to the epistles of yours invariably matt bramble october 11 end of section 76 section 77 of the expedition of humpfrey clinker this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org recording by martin geeson the expedition of humpfrey clinker by tobias smallit section 77 to sawatkin phillips baronet at oxford dear what every day is now big with incident and discovery young mr denison proves to be no other than that identical person whom i have executed so long under the name of wilson he had eloped from college at cambridge to avoid a match that he detested and acted in different parts of the country as a stroller until the lady in question made choice of a husband for herself then he returned to his father and disclosed his passion for liddy which met with the approbation of his parents though the father little imagined that mr bramble was his old companion matthew loyde the young gentleman being empowered to make honorable proposals to my uncle and me had been in search of us all over england without effect and he it was whom i had seen pass on horseback by the window of the inn where i stood with my sister but he little dreamed that we were in the house as for the real mr wilson whom i called forth to combat by mistake he is the neighbor and intimate friend of old mr denison and this connection had suggested to the son the idea of taking that name while he remained in obscurity you may easily conceive what pleasure i must have felt on discovering that the honor of our family was in no danger from the conduct of a sister whom i love with uncommon affection that instead of debasing her sentiments and views to a wretched stroller she had really captivated the heart of a gentleman her equal in rank and superior in fortune and that as his parents approved of the attachment i was on the eve of acquiring a brother-in-law so worthy of my friendship and esteem george denison is without all question one of the most accomplished young fellows in england his person is at once elegant and manly and his understanding highly cultivated though his spirit is lofty his heart is kind and his manner so engaging as to command veneration and love even from malice and indifference when i weigh my own character with his i am ashamed to find myself so light in the balance but the comparison excites no envy i propose him as a model for imitation i have endeavoured to recommend myself to his friendship and hope i have already found a place in his affection i am however mortified to reflect what flagrant injustice we every day commit and what absurd judgment we form in viewing objects through the falsifying mediums of prejudice and passion had you asked me a few days ago the picture of wilson the player i should have drawn a portrait very unlike the real person and character of george denison without all doubt the greatest advantage acquired in travelling and perusing mankind in the original is that of dispelling those shameful clouds that darken the faculties of the mind preventing it from judging with candor and precision the real wilson is a great original and the best tempered companionable man i ever knew i question if ever he was angry or low-spirited in his life he makes no pretensions to letters but he is an adept in everything else that can be either useful or entertaining among other qualifications he is a complete sportsman and counted the best shot in the county he and denison and lismehago and i attended by clinker went to shooting yesterday and made a great havoc among the partridges tomorrow we shall take the field against the woodcocks and snipes in the evening we dance and sing or play at commerce louis and quadril mr denison is an elegant poet and has written some detached pieces on the subject of his passion for liddy which must be very flattering to the vanity of a young woman perhaps he is one of the greatest theatrical geniuses that ever appeared he sometimes entertains us with reciting favorite speeches from our best plays we are resolved to convert the great hall into a theater and get up the bows stratagem without delay i think i shall make no contemptible figure in the character of scrub and lismehago will be very great in captain gibbit wilson undertakes to entertain the country people with harlequin skeleton for which he has got a jacket ready painted with his own hand our society is really enchanting even the severity of lismehago relaxes and the vinegar of miss tabby is remarkably dulcified ever since it was agreed that she should take precedency of her niece in being first noosed or you must know the date is fixed for liddy's marriage and the bands for both couples have been already once published in the parish church the captain earnestly begged that one trouble might serve for all and tabitha assented with a vile affectation of reluctance her inamorato who came hither very slenderly equipped has sent for his baggage to london which in all probability will not arrive in time for the wedding but it is of no great consequence as everything is to be transacted with the utmost privacy meanwhile directions are given for making out the contracts of marriage which are very favorable for both females liddy will be secured in a good jointure and her aunt will remain mistress of her own fortune except one half of the interest which her husband shall have a right to enjoy for his natural life i think this is little in conscience as can be done for a man who yokes with such a partner for life these expectants seem to be so happy that if mr denison had an agreeable daughter i believe i should be for making the third couple in this country dance the humor seems to be infectious for clinker alias loid has a month's mind to play the fool in the same fashion with mistress winifred jenkins he has even sounded me on the subject but i have given him no encouragement to prosecute this scheme i told him i thought he might do better as there was no engagement nor promise subsisting that i did not know what designs my uncle might have formed for his advantage but i was of opinion that he should not at present run the risk of disablaging him by any premature application of this nature honest Humphrey protested he would suffer death sooner than do or say anything that should give offense to the squire but he owned he had a kindness for the young woman and had reason to think she looked upon him with a favorable eye that he considered this mutual manifestation of goodwill as an engagement undisturbed which ought to be binding to the conscience of an honest man and he hoped the squire and i would be of the same opinion when we should be at leisure to bestow any thought about the matter i believe he is in the right and we shall find time to take his case into consideration you see we are fixed for some weeks at least and as you have had a long respite i hope you will begin immediately to discharge the arrears due to your affectionate jay melford october 14th end of section 77 section 78 of the expedition of humphrey clinker this is a liberal box recording all liberal box recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit liberal box dot org the expedition of humphrey clinker by tobias smallit section 78 to miss leticia willis a cluster my dear dear letty never did i sit down to write in such agitation as i now feel in the course of a few days we have met with a number of incidents so wonderful and interesting that all my ideas are thrown into confusion and perplexity you must not expect either method or coherence in what i'm going to relate my dearest willis since my last the aspect of affairs is totally changed and so changed but i would pay and give you a regular detail in passing a river about eight days ago our coach was overturned and some of us and some of us narrowly escaped with life my uncle had well night perished oh heaven i cannot reflect upon that circumstance without horror i should have lost my best friend my father and protector but for the resolution and activity of his servant humphrey clinker whom providence really seems to have placed near him for the necessity of this occasion i would not be thought superstitious but surely he acted from a stronger impulse than common fidelity was it not the voice of nature that loudly called upon him to save the life of his own father for oletti it was discovered that humphrey clinker was my uncle's natural son almost at the same instant a gentleman who came to offer us his assistance and invite us to his house turned out to be a very old friend of mr bramble his name is mr denison one of the worthiest men living and his lady is a perfect saint upon earth they have an only son who do you think is this only son oletti oh gracious heaven how my heart palpitates when i tell you that this only son of mr denison's is that very identical youth who under the name of wilson has made such ravage in my heart yes my dear friend wilson and i are now lodged in the same house and converse together freely his father approves of his sentiments in my favor this mother loves me with all the tenderness of a parent my uncle my aunt and my brother no longer oppose my inclinations on the contrary they have agreed to make us happy without delay and in three weeks or a month if no unforeseen accident intervenes your friend lydia malford will have changed her name and condition i say if no accident intervenes because such a torrent of success makes me tremble i wish there may not be something treacherous in this sudden reconciliation of fortune i have no merit i have no title to such felicity far from enjoying the prospect that lies before me my mind is harassed with a continued tumult made up of hopes and wishes doubts and apprehensions i can neither eat nor sleep and my spirits are in perpetual flutter i more than ever feel that vacancy in my heart which your presence alone can fill the mind in every disquiet seeks to repose itself on the bottom of a friend and this is such a trial as i really know not how to support without your company and counsel i must therefore dear letty put your friendship to the test i must beg you will come and do the last offices of maidenhood to your companion lydia malford this letter goes in closed in one to our worthy governess from mrs denison in treating her to interpose with your mama that you may be allowed to favor us with your company on this occasion and i flatter myself that no material objection can be made to our request the distance from hence to bluster does not exceed 100 miles and the roads are good mr clinker alias loyde shall be sent over to attend your motions if you step into the postchase with your maid betty barker at seven in the morning you'll arrive by four in the afternoon at the halfway house where there is good accommodation there you shall be met by my brother and myself who will next day conduct you to this place where i am sure you will find yourself perfectly at your ease in the midst of an agreeable society dear letty i will take no refusal if you have any friendship any humanity you will come i desire that immediate application may be made to your mama and that the moment her permission is obtained you will a prize you're ever faithful lydia malford october 14th end of section 78