 Okay, welcome back. We'll quickly go through what, you know, how Christine counseling can help and then maybe we'll try and do a role play. Okay, because I think just to just for us to be able to get into that, that place of knowing how to respond. What to say. Okay. So, so, you know, you're even when people come to you, those who are abused, there may be many kinds of people in many situations that they come people who've been abused as children and have never sought any kind of an assistance or help, and then they come for healing, right? Or there can be people who who've been through different sets of counseling support, but want to have continued support, people who may be undergoing abuse then and there, right? So there are these three categories of people who can who may come to you. Now, after you've done what we spoke about last week, I'm sorry, this last class, about how you're there, you're available, you don't dismiss, you believe what they have said, listen to their entire story, get them to a place of safety, getting support for that after you've done all of that, we continue come coming to you. Bringing back hope, right? I think that's one of the biggest things for them, bringing back hope, building trust, that is what is probably most needed. Especially, you know, in cases where there is a certain male figure or a father figure who's been the abuser, the very concept of who God is begins to be fragmented. Right? So to help and to bring them back to a place of healing, to live in that place of hope, to live in the place of trust in knowing that God loves them and God is there to restore whatever that is emotionally being lost. If you look at the verse that's put there in the beginning, where it in Isaiah 5, 2021, you know, it says vote to those who call evil good and good evil who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness, who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter, vote to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight. Now, often what happens when you are working with people who are generally abused, one of the things that they generally go through is a feeling that they deserved that form of an abuse. Or maybe they're not good enough to actually have, they're not good enough and as a result they have brought about themselves, brought about abuse upon themselves or the fact that they are responsible, that it is because of me. So that's something that may take a long time for them to move away from that understanding, that belief that they are the problem or they were the problem and that's why that abuse came to them. So a lot of these emotions, these emotional struggles are something that they will require time, you will require empathy, they will require the word of God to show them and help them experience the forgiveness and restoration that God has for them, being able to over time help them to apply God's word. Now, what happens in abuse, are we all listening? What happens in abuse is that there are multiple thoughts that comes about, you know, and especially they are negative, condemning, hurtful, depreciating thoughts about themselves and that's what you want them to identify. You remember the model we spoke about? ABCD model, remember that? Now this is very much applied in issues like this, where they are helped, they see the event has taken place, there's a certain belief that they have, maybe the belief is that they deserve the abuse or they brought about all the negative things, that's probably the belief. And as a result they have certain thoughts that run through that. So working with them to help them to change, to take to captive all those negative thoughts so that they can begin to live in healing and begin to live in freedom. Now this is a, it's a process, it's not something that may happen as a one-off or, you know, one or two sessions, but it's something that you will see as a process. Other things that you, you know, in counseling that you need to deal with is the way that they relate to other people. Often trust gets lost. They find it difficult to be vulnerable in close relationships. So helping them build that trustful, trusting relationship with other people. So it begins by trusting God from where they are able to trust people. So this becomes a journey in itself. And I've just kind of put some of these points because it's for you to understand and know, maybe it's just being open to hear them, open to just pray with them to share God's Word, to encourage them. If you're able to do that, that in itself is a wonderful, it's a good thing. Okay. All right. Okay. So we have two options. We could either move into the second, the next topic, or we can do a role play. What would you like to do? Question. Ah, yes. Tell me question. Is a real issue happen. Abuse. Like it happened because of girls fault. It is sexual abuse. What happened is like they are in relationship. The boy is around 25 years old. The girl is around 16 years. So like we discussed like below 18 years that is sexual abuse. So because of. Okay, go ahead. Because of this girl. Thing happened. Like she will. She consented. Yeah. Okay. Then it's not abuse. Okay. It's not abuse if it's a consent. That was 16 year old, 17 year old. 15 years old, 16 years old. So after puberty, if they have consented, it is teenage sexual encounters. So that's not an abuse. But then let's suppose if she can actually go up and may have a report saying that she was because she is still a minor. But then there has been consensus. It's consensus. It's consensual sex. That means both have agreed to have a sexual encounter. She doesn't agree. It's abuse, of course. Okay. Correct. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So what is your question? What happened is actually. So there's a girl and this boy is in a relationship. This girl is below 18. I think 16 years old. Okay. And this boy is 25. 25 years old. Okay. This girl don't know what is sexual relationship but nothing she don't know. Okay. But this guy came and I don't know, she accepted the reward. This guy used to come to her house. And it became like a sexual contact and it became a lot of issues. So it's abuse or they can go for any law and order. So that's what I'm saying. I don't know. We need to know if it was, if the teenage girl was, gave permission. If there was permission or not. Right. Because yes, there can be, that's called consensual sex. That is you agree to have a sexual encounter. So if it is a agreement and especially if someone who's like a 16, 17 year old, like above puberty, 14, 15, 16, 17 are all above puberty. So they, if it's a consensual sex, it's a, it's consensual sex. It's not abuse. If they, if she's agreed. Right. Others it's rape. It's a, yeah. And it's a rape. Then it'll be rape. It's sexual assault. It's not abuse. It's rape and assault. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So do you want to do a role play or? Okay. Online students, it's left up to you all now. Your students are, your friends are very gracious to leave it to you. Online students, what would you like to do? Go to. So would you like to go? I'll take a consensus. Would you like to go to the next class that is suicide? Or should we do, should we continue on with, should we do a role play? Okay. Okay. Role play. There's only one person who said it. And I think we'll go with it unless we have. Next class. Next class. Okay. All right. Okay. Then we will get into the next class. Okay. I just need a minute to, to, to just, just put up the presentation. Just give me a minute. Okay. Just give me a minute. I need to use both my hands. Okay. We'll, we'll get to the next one, which is grief counseling. Okay. All right. Okay. So what do we mean by grief counseling? Or let's first look at what the terms are. I've, I've presented. I hope you all can see. Yeah. Okay. So what is grief? It is a, it's a response to any form of loss. What kind of loss? Financial loss, personal loss, relational loss, death. Okay. So grief can be anything. It just doesn't mean when a person has lost somebody to death, it can mean a loss of a job, loss of a relationship, a natural disaster. All of that is something that can mean grief. And what is bereavement? It is a type of grief that involves the death of a loved one. But you say bereavement when it involves the grief that is involved when someone passes away. Okay. So grief is, is your emotional response or reaction when something that is very dear to you is taken away. And it is a, it's a normal response. It's a normal reaction to some loss in a person's life. It is normal to grieve. It is abnormal, not to grieve. Okay. So it's normal to grieve. Okay. So when a person is going through bereavement, one of the things that you're looking at is how they are coping with death. All right. And there are four, there are four main things that, that happens as people cope with someone passing away. They have to accept that reality that the person is no more, that there is that loss. They have to deal with that pain that is process, that pain that they go through. They need to adjust to a life without having the person with them, the loved one with them. And they have to maintain a connection to the in memory to the one who has passed away while they move on with life. Okay. So they need to accept the reality. They have to work through the pain. They need to adjust. And they also have to have those memories while they move ahead in life. So grief can affect people very, very differently. And it is, it's mainly based on the kind of relationship that you have with the person who you're lost. So depending on how close you are with the person, that's how much the grief would be, right? If it is a very close person, the grief would definitely be much more greater than when it is somebody who's distant. Now each person and relationship is different, which means that we also deal with grief in a very different way. Maybe in one, one person, the way that they grieve is the way that they grieve for a particular person may be very different from the way that they grieve for another person. Also grief can be, each person experiences grief very uniquely, right? And it needn't be universal. That is, for example, you know, maybe in movies, how do they show grief? Yeah, but how? Yeah, maybe huge crying and wailing and beating chest. And that's one way of expressing grief, but not everyone should need to express like that. Some may express it silently, some may express it more openly, whatever there isn't a specific way to express grief. Okay, what are some signs and symptoms of grief? The first thing that you would notice, especially when there is a loss, first is shock, right? Shock and numbness, what happened? Okay, shock, that is, there is a sense of disbelief, something, you know, how can something like this happen? So there's a huge shock, there is a sense of numbness that is not able to feel. You know what numbness is? Yeah. What's numbness? Yeah, you lose your sense, like when you become numb in your hand, you don't sense anything, right? So there is a, there's no feeling, absolutely. So that's what numbness is. There can be thoughts of confusion, disbelief and wondering if it's a dream. That is a sense of denial, right? That there is disbelief and wondering if there is, if it's really something that's happened. Questioning, you know, why did this happen? Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to this person at such and such age? Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, loneliness, bitterness, fear, nervousness, lack of confidence, all of this. There can also be blaming that happens. They can, they may, they may also begin to feel like, for example, let's say the person died of an illness. They may also say, you know, I'm also having those similar symptoms of what the person had or if they've been caretaking for a long period of time, they begin to experience those same kind of issues and they have problems to function normally. This is a, this chart that you can see is, it's something called as a grief cycle. All right. And it's, it's called the Kubler-Ross grief cycle. The Kubler-Ross grief cycle, why is it called Kubler-Rosses? The people who, who, what do you say, bought about this, this theory is, it's named after them. Okay. So it's named after two people. It's a psychiatrist by name Kubler-Ross who introduced this and they are the five stages of grief, the general five stages of grief. Okay. So if you look at that, the first thing that you can see on the far left side is denial. What do you mean by denial? Okay. This denial, it is actually something that can help you survive that, survive that shock. Right. You may not accept things immediately, but when you're in that place of denial for a brief period of time, your mind or it's like a protective cushion to really help you deal with that loss. Okay. It, that's a time that you may begin to see that you're not in a place of accepting because you're in that state of shock. That the person has, has, has gone away. Like for example, if you were diagnosed with, let's say a disease, like let's say cancer. Right. How do people show denial? They don't show denial. They may say, no, the report is not true. The report is false. Let me go do another checkup to see. Right. Like that. Yeah. So then, so then that the, I'm talking about the initial knowledge of that, not after a few, few months and all. I don't mean the, the initial hearing of it. No, it can't be. You know, how can I be? I've not had a symptom that hasn't been like that. It isn't there. Or like when someone dies, how can it be? I just saw the person this morning. We just had lunch together. How can that be? This is, this is not that sense of denial of not being able to accept the reality. Okay. So it is a way of protect protection because imagine feeling from this state to having us overwhelming feeling of grief. You know, suddenly you're just feeling so much of grief. So it is a stage that, that, you know, God has just put in so beautifully for us to be able to experience that, that sense of sadness. Right. The next stage that you will, you will look at is what's the next one? Anger. Okay. So once the reality strikes in, then the anger comes in and even the stage of why me? Why should this be me? Life is not fair. Or, you know, God's not fair. Or they might even begin to look at redirecting their anger to something else. So beginning to blame others. You know, maybe the doctor didn't give him proper, proper medication or, you know, the, you know, his parents didn't bring him up. Well, whatever, whatever the issues may be, right? You know, there was the bike had a problem and that's why this, this happened. So all of this tends to, tends to raise up there where the frustration is so intense, it begins to increase. All right. Then comes a place of bargaining. What does bargaining mean? That is this for that. God, if you bring him back for one day, if you bring him back, then I will do this, this, this, right? A sense of bargaining. If only this happened, if this change, then I would do this, right? So that, that again becomes a bargaining. Sorry. Okay. Okay. So here it's almost like a sense of negotiation that people have, you know, do this. If at least a person comes back, then I will, I will ensure that I live a better life. Right. So that's, that's what you see in bargaining. Then comes depression. Depression is associated, generally associated with grief, right? Where there is a slow, slow understanding of reality and a slow sense of acceptance that this is where it is. This is how it is going to be. So there is that place of feeling extremely hopeless, very overwhelmed at the situation. And lastly, it's a place of acceptance. And this is not that, okay, the person has died, but it is saying, yes, the person has died and I'm going to be okay. I know that, you know, I will find a way out. That's what the place of acceptance is. So even as you know, we've, we've, I bought about this, these stages. What's important to see is everyone's not going to go through a linear fashion of this. They can move from denial to anger. And then again, they go back to anger, then they may be, they may be bargaining then depression. Then again, they could go back to bargaining depression and then to a place of acceptance. Okay. So in short, this is what generally are the stages of grief and it's normal for people to go through these stages. Yeah. Or with themselves, see, make this not happen. And in return, I will do this. Let's say someone's at their deathbed. Maybe at God, maybe to themselves, maybe to whatever they see as a power, whatever, right? Let this not happen. If this happens, they may make like a, what do you say, commitment to themselves. If the person comes back, I will stop drinking. I will stop smoking. Right. So that's what is called as bargaining. Okay. So the important thing for us to understand here is what can we do when someone is undergoing grief? What is it that you and I can do? So we need to remember that when somebody is going through grief, what is the, what is the thing that they need the most? What do you think that people need the most comfort? Okay. What else? Encouragement? Okay. Then you should not tell them the truth. So what will you say? Sugar coated. Yeah. How? So tell me how. Sorry, come again. They got cancer. Okay. Oh, like that sugar coating you're saying. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. No, I agree with Prince. I agree with Prince. So you don't actually have to tell them which stage they are in. You don't have to say anything. What we can do is build hope. That's what we, that's what we're called to do. Build hope. But I think before that, before we get there, let's look at death. Okay. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. Huh? What happened, Francis? We are also going to die. Is that what it is? No, he's talking about not the person who's dead. The survivors. That's what he's, he's talking to. Huh? Yeah. So very often, I think what, what we need to understand. And I've seen this, especially among us in church circles, that when someone is grieving, especially, you know, when someone's lost a loved one, we go and we get very, very scriptural there. Yeah. Come back one day. Yeah. He will come back one day. You will all meet again. You know, you just have a few more years to go there. All of that is not, at that point, not a comforting thing to do. Huh? And it's not necessary. It's the truth. Yes, it is the truth. But there is a timing for when you say something. Sometimes the best thing to do is what? Please, I don't have to make them. Just keep quiet. Okay. Just listen. Even if, even if they are like saying something and they're crying and they don't cry, come on, you must be strong. Those are all very terrible things to say. Right. People will die one day. Right. So being sensitive and just being with them just your presence is more than important. Yeah. Right. So just your presence is important that, you know, weep with them. Weep with those who weep. What did Jesus do at Lazarus, at Bethany? He wept. He wept. Even though he knew he was going to raise Lazarus up. Why did he do that? Yeah. Yeah. To one, to demonstrate that death is painful. And people who are his family are pain. So he demonstrated that, right? He comforted us and he showed us. He knew what it was to feel that way. Even though he was going to raise up Lazarus. So just being there in the presence. So the word translated as comfort in 1 Thessalonians 418 is the word that you use for encourage. Okay. Which generally means to be by one side. Be by one's presence. You know, to be nearby someone. 1 Thessalonians 418. The word encourage there. It means parakelio, which is act comes from the word paracletus, helper, as in the sense of Holy Spirit being the helper, which means to be by one side or be by the presence of another. Okay. So it's also important that they need you to accept what they may be feeling. Right. So they may be saying, I'm so pained that it's, I feel uncontrollable sadness. So again, be with them in their feelings. Accept them for what you are, what they're feeling rather than saying, like it says, oh, yes, you can don't talk like that. You're going to be okay. You need to be strong for your children, for your family. All of that are dismissing whatever they may be feeling. Okay. You can provide comfort, but like it says here, you can't take away their suffering. You can give comfort, but they are the ones who are suffering. So join alongside with them to suffer with them. Okay. Remember, one thing that you can do is offer assistance, especially physical assistance, like getting them food, ensuring that there are some, what do you say, logistical things that may need to be done for the funeral, for all of that. Helping them physically at that point of time will be a great deal because they're not in a frame of mind to actually work on some of those things. Okay. Yeah. What who has to do, what would you, what would I do? I, if the person is not related to me, I would ensure that the family members sit with the person and someone in a death bed is not going to be conscious enough to have a conversation. Right? Because if they're breathing their last, they're in a, indefinitely in a, what do you say, they're not mentally alert. No, they may be conscious, but they may not be mentally alert to hear you saying anything. So the best thing at that point of time, which is something, you know, I've done, is just either read scripture, sing, sing songs, sing worship, just helping them move from one part to another. Maybe at that point of time, you can't counsel. Yeah, maybe that's not a right time to speak, especially when someone's at their death bed. Right? The support that, and usually when people, I mean, I'm considering when you're saying someone is at their death bed, they are that ill that over the last few weeks, few days, they've slowly, you know, all their capacities have also failed. You're not talking about someone, you know, who... Hmm, okay. Like saying a salvation prayer. You can do a salvation prayer. Yeah, again, you'll have to look at the circumstance of it. I've heard of someone who said a salvation prayer to someone. It was my friend's father. So he was on his death bed. He was slightly conscious. So she said, she was a believer of her parents aren't. So she asked, she said, she didn't ask, she said that I'm going to say a prayer of salvation. You know, if you accept Jesus, you, you know, we can see each other in heaven. You know, you will, he's there to forgive, forgiveness of your sins. And if you accept salvation, you will go to him. Right? And we will be able to see each other. Not that he responded, but she prayed and she said amen. And in faith, she said, I believe my father has, has responded to that call. So yes, please do that. Sorry. So I mean, I know we put God in a box, right? Some things I believe we should do by faith. We do by faith. Like this friend of mine, she did it by faith. Not that her father said anything or said yes or none of that, but he was conscious. He was listening. She said there were tears flowing down from his eyes. So she said that was, that was my indication. That probably he did. So it's just through faith. Okay. All right. So what are some practical ways that you can help? Oh, sorry, I was back to the. Okay. We spoke about this. What can you do? They need your presence. You have to call to comfort and encourage and be at one side during a loss. We spoke about that. They need your sensitivity. So accept the reality of those feelings and emotions and do not judge or push them to, you know, be here to heal their pain. Just be just provide that comfort and be there practical assistance. Have we said being of practical support during the time of their grief? Okay. How are the other ways to help? Visit those who are buried. They need to see and feel that they aren't alone and have support and concern of others. So this is after all of, you know, everything is over. The months, the weeks and the months that follow, right? How you can actually just be alongside with them, you know, that they aren't alone and they have support of others. Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to react to words and feelings. Saying nothing is better than saying hurtful things. Okay. So just being there to listen. Sometimes they may have questions and it's good to have a discussion about questions, right? About people and their questions. The best thing is don't try to explain everything. Maybe there are some things you may have to say. I'm not too sure. I don't know. I have no idea or, you know, maybe we can discuss or talk to somebody else about this. It's good to say that. Express your support and concern by being there, by a handshake or by a hug. Avoid saying, I know how you feel. You will never know how they feel. Okay. But give them a chance to talk about their loved one. It's good to talk about, bring memories of the loved one. I think often we feel scared if they talk about that person who's passed away, the grief will be more. It is good that they will talk about, like for example, let's say you met them, you know, you've gone somewhere and they've come. You could say something like, I'm sure such and such person would have loved to be here too, isn't it? And then you get them to talk and they probably will cry, but that's okay. That's a process of grief. Okay. Do not rush them to get better or play down their grief. Okay. Be patient with that morning process. And lastly, it is continue to give them the support that they need. Visit them often and continue to support them. Okay. All right. Okay. Any questions that are, if you look through your notes, there are some, you know, some scripture also that actually helps you to build upon these ideas of how we can be more mindful, right, about the way that we deal with people who are in pain. Okay. Any thoughts, any questions? Nothing. Ask the question on the mic so people can hear. Yeah. What if the person who lost someone is not moving out from that place? Like it's not just, but it's been years or months, but if that person is still in grief, not coming out. So that's a good question. So there is something called as a normal grief. A normal grief generally extends between six months to nine months. Okay. It's called normal grief. There's something called as pathological grief, which is much over that period of time. Let's say beyond a year, if someone continues to grieve as significantly as they did earlier, then they may need help because probably it's moved into depression. And so they may need medical assistance, medical help. That's what we call as pathological grief. That means grief that is not normal, but grief that is disease like or pathological like. So that's something that they may need support and help. If they're not able to move forward, if they're not able to do things as previously, then they will require help. Okay. All right. If there's no questions, we'll close with a word of prayer. Radha, can you please pray? Yeah. Father God, we thank you for this time. Thank you for this day. And whatever we learned from this class, you help us to be the comforter when people are going through such kind of situation. And we surrender everything into your hand, God, and you help us. You guide us by your Holy Spirit, God. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.