 Today's podcast is brought to you by WarbyParker.com. Get a free five-day home try-on at www.WarbyParkerTrial.com. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. I locked myself in my bedroom, I think, to leave me alone. They know that daddy, it's daddy time. They know to leave me alone. We're talking with Greg Fitzsimmons. You are in Santa Monica. I'm in New York City. How many dogs do you have? Two small dogs. What are they? One is a pisser. The other is a biter. They're small, annoying dogs. We went to Italy for two weeks this summer. There's a thing called Rover.com where you can find people through the Internet that will take your dog into their home. We warned them. We said, this guy bites and she pisses a lot. She said, it's no problem. It was $1,000 for two weeks. I got an email three days later. Your dog shit on my coffee table. We got probably five emails getting progressively worse. The small one ate through the bag of dog food, ate it all, and then grew up on her bed. It just kept, like by the end, she said, is there a family member or a friend that I can drop the dog off with and I just wrote back, nope. It's shit on their glass top coffee table. Glass top is, that's the guy from Hogan's Heroes, right? I think it was Danny Thomas. At one point we had eight animals in our house, nine if you include my, I can't do it. I'm divorced now, so I can't say nine if you include my sister in law. I just did your show and I told the absolute truth about my life. I know that was startling. Yeah, so I have to go back to prevaricating because this is my show and in order to do certain jokes, I have to invent new wives and new children. Because the stuff I say, like you can speak the truth, my sense of humor is just so horrible that I have to have fictitious kids and fictitious wives. So we had a dog sitter. We went away and I had a perfectly trained labradoodle who could sit. I'd say, Cody, sit, right? I come back from the vacation and my dog would no longer sit. And I called the dog sitter and I said, something happened. The dog refuses to sit and the dog sitter said, well, he knows how to sit. It's just too painful for him to sit now because I have been completely lost. It's a joke about the dog sitter shooping my dog. It was a joke that I was coming up with while you were talking and I realized I got nothing. And why does he whine when I scratch his throat now? You know, there are two jokes that were given to me that I rejected and one of them, Mike Indolfi, you may not know him. He's a great comedy writer. Is he dirty? No, no. He's like worked on Roseanne with me years ago. No, I mean, was he filthy? Did he smell? Yes, he did as a matter of fact. Yes, I know that guy. He had a joke. I bought my dog a choke collar, but only to heighten his orgasm. You rejected that? I either rejected it or, you know what, I begged him for it. That's right. I begged him for it. He wouldn't give it to me. I begged him for that joke and he would not give it to me. So you were in Italy with the family? Yeah, I got two kids, they're 15 and 13. And where does the bus pick them up for school? What's the address? If the fans want to see your kids waiting at the bus. Do you know that there's not a single photo of either of my kids on the internet? It's like a rule in the house. Oh, there is. Oh, there it is. Well, you see, my son, there's one of my son, but he's got his choke collar on. How much do you worry that you're invading their privacy? I blissfully ignore another. I'm very good about protecting you. I don't talk about anything that's too real and sensitive. But I talk about them a lot because most of my relationship with them is that it's just a fascinating love. I can just sit and stare at them to the point where I have to look away because I feel like it's going to make them comfortable. But just watching them grow up and seeing in this natural state what a human being does at different ages. I'm in awe. So I don't have much that's bad to say about them. There's a picture of me. You, as you know, I got my divorce last Friday and the worst week of my life, just absolute. I spoke to you, I think I did your show the day before, right? The day before, yeah. And apparently, and I got to do this and I apologize, there's actually something worse than doing your show. Why would I say that? It was one of the best experiences of my life doing it. Didn't we have fun? Isn't that great? Yes, absolutely. Tons of good feedback on Twitter. Yeah, yeah. I mean, God bless you. And so what got me through the worst week of my life, because it is, just your family is destroyed, I was doing you and leaning on friends, realizing the importance of friends and pimps. And but, you know, I was alienated from one of my sons because he loves women, so he's going to take the side. Yeah. The wife, no matter what. But I kind of got back together with him and there's this picture. Oh, that's great. Yeah, there's a picture that was taken of me with him. Alex, my manager took it Saturday night. And I looked so feeble. I'm looking into his eyes, you know, how you're describing the way you look into your kid's eyes. And, you know, I'm shorter than my son and he's in the prime of his youth. And I looked at this picture. I can't even show it to anybody. It's just so haunting. I look like my father, you know, I feel like I'm an old man. I'm staring into my son's eyes and it's very, it's very sad to just see yourself that old and feeble. Well, it's very kind of at a pole. You know, I mean, it's like I, I went to hug my son the other day and I went to go in like over like I went to go high. And then I realized like he's four inches taller. I go under now. He holds, he hugs me like I'm his prom date. And it's just like so castrating and kind of emasculating. And I, when I hug him, he's ripped. He's a varsity athlete. So he's just, his body is like an adonis. And I'm just this sad, you know, my muscles on my chest and shoulder have just gone away. And there's a belly and like two thick legs and bald. And I'm holding onto this guy. The prime of his light, like, like good things are still happening to his body. It's improving right now. It's getting stronger. It's getting his face is getting more chiseled. His testosterone is only building. And I'm shrinking and petrifying and disappearing. Yeah. Do you, when you say at a pole, I was talking to somebody late last night and she asked me if I'm an alpha dog who is afraid that my son would be more successful than I am. And I said, the bum on the street is more successful than I am. You have, he's no longer with us, but your father was very successful in broadcasting. Was your father happy for your success or jealous? And would you be comfortable with a son who was a more famous comedian than you? Honestly. Well, I'll start with my father and, you know, he went through a period. I think we talked about the summer show where he didn't work for four years when he was about 40 years old. You know, he was, he still did some voiceover commercials, but he didn't have a radio show. And he went through a real midlife crisis. You know, he was, my mother said he bought a Corvette and colored underwear. And, you know, but he, I have colored underwear. Sometimes it's red, sometimes it's brown. Sometimes. Oh, no, I mean, he borrowed some from a black guy. Oh, I wish we took calls. I wish we were to decide which is more offensive. Is it more offensive to say you shit your pants or you're calling African-Americans colors? And implying that you can borrow their underwear. Oh my God. So he had a four year, yeah, go ahead. So yes, I think that his self-esteem and his, his self-worth was very low, but I felt nothing but support from him, from my stand up. He, he made a comment at one point, like stand up for me was, he was a very domineering guy and he tried to make all your decisions for you. And you went along with it mostly because the guy was always right. And it was very frustrating to have a father who knew every answer to what you should do in life and how to handle things. And so when I started doing stand up, it was like the first time in my life I'd felt I'd accomplished something on my own without him involved. And so he was very supportive of my stand up. I'd go on his radio show and he plugged me as the hottest young comedian in the country and it was kind of the shtick that he would do with Al Rosenberg. And he would come see me and then one time he came to see me at the Princeton Catcher Rising Star. Oh my God, I, I, I, I gotta stop you. I have to stop you because this is the most boring, no, no. I'm having, no. I am having, I swear to God, I'm gonna stop you for one second. My father, who art in heaven or hell, came to see me at the Princeton Catcher Rising Star. I was headlining. It was on a weeknight. It was like a mid-sized crowd and I owned it. It was, he saw me in my absolute prime as a stand up comic working, you know, not a packed crowd but a good crowd on a weeknight and really working at playing with the audience telling jokes and that was the show before he passed away where he said, you know, oh, you got, this is, this is your profession. So what happened to you at Princeton Catcher Rising Star? I was kidding. Yeah, what's your story? Well, it was kind of different like he'd always been proud. You know, he'd get there early. He'd always like meet the club owner, the manager and like become best friends with the guy by the end of the night. I would hate that. Yeah, it kind of overshadowed me a little bit. Yeah. And then after the show he said to me, you got to write more. You know, you're not writing enough. You're doing the same material and I just was like, fuck you. And it was like a big deal to me that he did that. And I didn't talk to him for a while after that. Hmm. And I just so, so I felt like he was going to encroach on it. I didn't want him to take credit for it or to feel like he could tell me what to do. But at the same time, I think it would have been really hard for him. I think I was just starting out when he saw me. He died after I'd been doing stand-up for probably maybe three years. And, um... Oh, so he saw that Letterman shot? No. I'm saying that's what killed him. I don't know. I was just trying to be mean to you. Yes. You've got a gift. You've got a gift of taking a really nice emotional moment and just grounding it to your insecure negativity. So he died three years in. That's not fair. Yeah. So he died. But I think it would have been tough. I definitely would forecast that it would have been hard for him if I'd gotten more successful. And I don't know that I am more successful now than he was. I mean, in New York, he was a big celebrity. He certainly made a ton of money. But then I got national. I got more national credits. But I don't know that I'm more successful than him. Really? I think sometimes I wonder if, like Susie Esmond once said to me, you can't have a bigger dick than your father. And I think there's something to that. Why? Susie Esmond sucked his dick? How big was your dad's dick? It was pretty big. For an Irishman or just for people in... Well, for an eight-year-old. It was really big. Two hands. Wow. Wow. Sorry. I'm just, my head is, you're hurting my head. Well, you see, what I like about you, because you are a broadcaster and you did answer the question. We took a securities route, but we got back to the question, which was, would your father have resented your success? So you do think he would have resented the success. And you're still keeping score, which is interesting. You're still measuring yourself against your father. The thing is, is he lived in a different time. Our father's, the buying power for your money back then was much greater. You know, college, paying for a kid's college education was a fraction of your salary each year. And now it's like most of your salary. And so you got to save for years. And so he belonged to a country club. We had a second house. You know, we had a pretty big house where he lived. He drove a Corvette. You know, we lived. We had money. And I don't belong to a country club. I don't have a second house. So maybe he is more successful than I was. He was more successful than I am. Right. I have a theory about that, because this is like music to my ears about how I cannot maintain the lifestyle that my father had. And he was, you know, frugal, Feldman, and so I shouldn't do that. But yeah, things that he could afford, I can't afford. And I think you're absolutely right about the purchasing power of the dollar. My theory about this is that after World War II, the greatest generation, I think your dad was too young to go off and fight war. A little bit. Yeah. But that... Or he was too been hiding in Venice Beach, California. Literally. Did he grow up in Venice Beach, California? No, he grew up in the Bronx. But when he came, he did like some basic training. And then he just like left and lived in Venice for a couple years. I mean, I think he was a draft dodger. Not a draft dodger, but he might have been a deserter. This was after World War II, though. This would have been in like 1960. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, that's nothing. When did the Korean War end? In my mind, it's still going, pal. Do you have mass DVDs? So, you know, after World War II, we... I don't know, what did we lose? Like half a million men? Yeah. Something like that. It was pretty bad. And all these poor guys, like my dad, went overseas and put it on the line. For many reasons, they put it on the line. But one of the things they put it on the line for was, you know, our industrialists. They fought for many things, but one of the things they fought for was our... Banks. The banks and the economic systems. The economic system. And I think when they got back, the banks, the industrials, them, the people who control it said, hey, you know what? It's not just the GI Bill. It's not... We got to make sure that these guys deserve a nice lifestyle. So, they kind of earned that purchasing power. And then around... There's also unions were still strong then, so you had more security with health insurance and pensions and all that. And what do you say to my theory that our generation were pieces of shit? Yeah. We didn't sacrifice anything. Nope. Why should our dollar purchase more than our fathers? All we did, we came of age after Reagan or during the Reagan years, we were told, you know, get what's yours. So, everybody got what's theirs and... Right. Started in the 80s and it became about BMWs and remote controls. And, you know, we survived the Cold War. We're Cold War veterans. Right. And so, no, I agree with you. I think that we're entitled and weak. And I said this to my wife last night that, you know, our generation hasn't known war. You know, the American people haven't known war in the time that I've been alive. And, you know, it's something that is going to catch up to us because it feels like in, you know, if George Mills were to have a theory about this, it would be that, you know, life eventually evens out the population one way or another. Mm-hmm. We're overpopulated with the soft generation. And we're bringing, with medicine, we're keeping people alive to reproduce who should not be reproducing. Right. And I'm doing a seminar on eugenics tomorrow of mass sterilization of... So, your kids, would you be okay with your children? Would you keep score to see if they're more successful than you? Right now, I can't imagine it. But knowing me and my insecurities, I could see it happening. Like, I've got some close friends and sometimes I catch myself being competitive with them. Mostly you, because it just is just so up and down. It's trying to figure out who's more successful. Right. Yeah, it is tough to measure each other. Like, who's the alpha here? Well, it depends on whose podcast it is. Like, when I'm on my podcast, I feel like you dominate and you ask me a lot of questions. Mm-hmm. So, I feel like on your podcast, I should be leading this a little bit more. Are you... So, you didn't tell me about your... The divorce, did the actual divorce go down? You said you were up in the air about whether or not it would go well. Well, technically, I'm not divorced yet. I mean, there's still some, you know, I haven't signed all the papers, but it's bad. You know, it's the destruction of a family unit. And the kids are all grown up, but I'm looking into the abyss. Yeah. And I took the one thing, I said this to you on your show, is the one thing that I always was smug about was I was a family guy. Yeah. You know, that was the thing. Ah, you know, I work for Bill Maher, he's got all this money, and he's screwing all these beautiful women, but ultimately he doesn't know the love of a family. And I'm going, well, hmm, don't be smug. You had it for a lot of years. You existed in that energy and that space for, you know, 20 years. How many years were you married? 30 years? I was with her for 31 years. So, you have that. You can't take that away when you're going into your older age. You're going to know that you've got those memories and that your life is worth something, and that still is because you accumulated that. It doesn't just vanish. And you know, you've got your relationship back with your son. Obviously that's going to only get better as they get more comfortable with the divorce. Right. And then you've got Tinder. I go on a different app. Tinder. It's for Jared. Jared, the subway guy turned me on to Tinder. I go on Kindler where you just take turns fucking Andy Kimmel. You fuck him and he just deconstructs what you're doing all the time. He gives the state of the union between the two of you. Right. That is, oh my God. But you know, one of the things is, I'm older than you, is this craving of emotional intimacy and talking to women. Can you imagine? And hanging on their every word? Yeah. Yeah. Were you always like that? Because now I find myself, if I'm around women, I hang on like everything they say. And it's like Moses. No, we just had a friend come over the house. She's a neighbor and she's a very dear friend. She's so hot. And she was talking and it was. It's very hard to, you know, not feel an attraction to that. Do you talk to your wife about that? Could you say, you know what? I'm not going to act on this, but I have to say, your friend is very attractive. No, I wouldn't do that. Because I wouldn't want her looking at me while I was looking at her. I want to be able to look at her. She's got nice feet. Oh, I forgot about that. You're, you like feet. I enjoy them. I wouldn't call myself a foot fetish guy, but I would say I have a crush on feet. I have an interest. You know, sandals are my friend. Some people think of like, when a woman has cleavage with her tips, that's it. I'm the same way with like flip flops. That's where I'm looking. Right. And it's so much better because if you look at cleavage, you got to look right past her eyes. But if you just kind of look down casually, they have no idea. Hmm. And is that from like, oh, is this because I know what this comes from? I met your mother. Okay, go here. Or are you going to punch me? I want to have my mother go. Wait a second. Do I have permission to, of course. Oh, so she I'm really sorry about you. She told me that at your wedding we were talking and she said, she didn't breastfeed you that you were born during a certain time when they believed that there was the toenail fungus had more protein than breast milk. And you were toast. You were used to toe feed. Yes, I toe fed. And the great thing is, you know, usually you only get two tips. You can go for hours. Thank you for letting me go there. So you're into women's feet. So back to, let me ask you a question. Yeah. You said that Mark Marin is a marketing wizard. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. Well, he is, I guess. Is he a marketing wizard? Consciously or self-consciously? Because I think he's pretty smart. I think that he's, I think that to be a good comedian and certainly a good podcaster, you have to have thought a lot about trying to, you know, self-actualize in whatever, whatever your path is to get to know what your voice is and to, you know, fight your demons, go to therapy, whether it's a 12-step program or whatever. And to dig in and figure out who you are. And I think that over a lot of years, Mark's become that. And I think that because of that, he's got a very consistent message. I hate to say the word brand, but, you know, just he's got a style and it comes through. And he, he took me to task because I said something on Allison Rosen's podcast about that. Yeah, that he was marketing himself. And I don't think it came out right. So you got into it. You got into it with them on the show. A little bit. Yeah. He gave me shit about it. And I think he was defensive about it because nobody wants to come off as, you know, what's the word? Manipulative. Yeah. Contrived. Yeah. Right. So I think that he resented that and he was right. I didn't mean it to come out that way. But I think I'm jealous of him. He's got a really big podcast. And, you know, when you talk about being competitive with people, you know, I started with him. He started a few years ahead of me in Boston. But he's, you know, when you start with somebody, you're always going to be a little bit jealous. Why is that? Dennis Miller told me this. He says, who's your guy? What do you mean? Who's the guy you started with? And you're, you know, you're measuring your dick versus his all the time. I have, you know, I've told, Jake Johansson I started with and for some reason I had to get past his major success. I have to have Jake on the show. He's like a breathtaking comedian. It's a great interview too. And, you know, I picked the wrong guy to compete against. Yeah. Because he's like my, and my father out of nowhere used to call me up and go, have you seen this guy, Jake Johansson? Yeah, I know who Jake is. We used to have, you know, I used to go on after him every night in the open mics. This guy's fantastic. He's weaving stories. I mean, it's way beyond what you're doing. You're just telling jokes. But this guy has never seen anything like this. So I picked the wrong guy. Mark's not my guy though. Who's your guy? I would say I have jealousy of Mark only in the sense that he's got such a big podcast and the guest that he can get because of that and the crowd that he can draw. That's what I want. So I don't know if that's jealousy or emulation. Who is the guy you started with who you just kept an eye on? I think Jeff Ross. That's bizarre. Because you started at the same exact time. I think so and also because I was a member of the Friars Club. And then they didn't hoist me up and celebrate me as a young comic. And they kind of did with him. You know, obviously because he's very talented and funny and he works in that style that the Friars work in. And he was suddenly put on all the roasts, which I hadn't been. And I think there was some jealousy there that I've since gotten in touch with and I actually apologized to him about it at one point. I called him and apologized because I can't hold on to disliking somebody or being that jealous of somebody. I had to let it go. And so I called him and apologized. I'm very good friends with Jeff. Really? Yeah. And he didn't accept your apology. Are you good friends with him? Yeah, I love Jeff Ross. He's a great guy. He is. And one of the things going through a divorce, he was there for me. And I've been taught this by a lot of people, but he lives this. You cannot survive unless you crowd surf on the shoulders of others. You know, in order to survive life, you just have to dive into the audience like Michael Stipe and let them carry you or you will crumble and fall and die. You mean in terms of trusting the support of friends? Yeah, you cannot. I saw it last week that I could not have gotten through last week without the love and support of everybody but my family. That you just can't. And you know, Jeff Ross has had a tragedy early on in his life. It's not for me to talk about it, but there are stories where like, it's not, no teenager should have to live through what he lived through. And the Friars Club in many ways saved his life or sanity. He just threw himself on top of the older, you know, he needed a father. He needed a mother. They had died. He was raising, you know, his own sibling and taking care of his grandfather. You know, so he threw himself onto the Friars Club and just, you know, older comics, Stewie Stone and Buddy Hack, if they all kind of... Freddie Roman, yeah. Freddie Roman, they all took care of him. And so I kind of learned from him because I got very close to him. You know, divorces takes about five years for you to realize it's over. And as this was unraveling, I realized, he helped me realize that you just cannot survive, you know, you can't survive without other people. And I think that's a lot of his... Anyway, so it was Jeff Ross. It was Jeff Ross and I'm at the same time, I'm so happy for his success now. Like, you know, when he's got this new show, the Roast Battles is doing well. I watch every episode and it fills me with good feelings when I used to be competitive with people. I'm just not that much anymore. Like I said, like, even with Mark, it's like I am so... When he got the present, I was so proud of him and happy for him. And I used to be caught up in competitiveness way more than I am now. I think you get to a certain age and you realize we're all running our own race. And it feels so much better to celebrate up here than to be jealous of them. Do you... What do you get jealous of now? Are you jealous of somebody who does what you do but better? Yeah. I think I'm jealous of people that have got a focus that they're really clear on. You know, like, take like a Joey Diaz. He gets up in the morning, he smokes a fat joint on Periscope. He gives this like speech about how to attack the day. And then he writes and then he spends time with his little kid. And then he goes out and does sets and his voice is completely his own. He gets it. He's not trying to get anything that he doesn't want. And you know, like Joe Rogan. Let me get back to Joey Diaz for a second. Yeah. I'm ashamed to tell you something. Yeah. I don't know him and I've never seen his work. Well, you got to see him. You got to see him live. He's a force of nature. He's a beast. He just... Have you heard about him? I know that he did a podcast with Felicia Michaels. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, part of my character flaw is not being a big enough fan of comedy. And not listening to that and not knowing. So who is Joey Diaz? I know he has a podcast and how long has he been around? He's been doing it for God, probably a good 20 years. He grew up in, I think, Washington Heights and then Jersey, Cuban guy, single mom, gotten a lot of trouble growing up, did a lot of blow, involved with a lot of crime, went to jail for kidnapping in Colorado for a while, got out. He went to jail for kidnapping in Colorado. Right. Yeah. He was living there. He was, you know, restraining... You know how kidnapping is kind of a murky chart sometimes? If you refrain, if you retain, if you restrain somebody against their will, it's kidnapping, even if it's for a short period of time. Now, you got arrested for napping with a kid. I did. That's not... I was kidnapping. Kidnapping. Yeah. You weren't touching the kid, you were just napping. No. No. I learned it from Michael Jackson. You just get a little bit of Jesus juice and you take a nap with him. And then you realize that the pants have to come off for a nap. So it's just kidnapping. So Diaz is a beast. He just speaks his mind and he's got this kind of voice. And he's not the kind of guy that you would categorically think you would like, but you can't not. Your jaw just drops when you see him on stage. He's really good. You know who... I feel so guilty being this honest. This honest, not this honest. Felicia Michaels. Yeah. I never got past how beautiful she is. This is a horrible thing to say. Right. I just saw a beautiful woman and then I began reading her Facebook posts. Oh boy. She's brilliant. She's really sharp and edgy. My God. And her stand-up is great. Really smart. Yeah. And I just feel terrible even saying this, but you know, it's... Why can't you say she's beautiful? Well, because I think I had a prejudice. Oh, and thinking she wouldn't be funny. Or just not even... It's a... You know, times are changing. There's a lot of beautiful woman comics now. There's a lot of really sexy woman comics. Yeah. I mean, wasn't there this always the case, but because we didn't have third-wave feminists like my daughter who slapped us into shape? Yeah. Oh, you don't have daughters yet? I have a daughter. Yeah. She's 13. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. And she's a feminist. Yeah. And it's... She burned her training bra. She didn't burn it, but she heated it to 350. She's almost there. Haven't you been forced by the culture to re-evaluate the way you look at women? Oh, yeah. But I needed to. I was a real frat guy. You know, I hated fraternities, but I had the mentality of a frat guy. You know, I definitely objectified women. I slept with tons of women, like as many as I possibly could. And, you know, I think that I... I think I needed to be pulled back from that mentality a little bit. Right. And, you know, maybe at times kicking and screaming, but you can... No, they never kicked or screamed, but they definitely weren't into it sometimes. You can... You know, I remember... I had a boss who was very conservative, and he said, I just don't think you can legislate human behavior. Right. And I said, yeah, you can. You can. Of course you can. You could change the way... Look at... Look at Brown... Well, Brown versus Board of Education... That was a court ruling, and the gay marriage was a court ruling. But there are certain edicts, like, no, we're the Supreme Court, and homosexuals should be allowed to get married. And people are kicking and screaming, but within, you know, in ten years from now, they will have, through fiat, dictated the way cretins, even cretins, will look at homosexuals. You can't change... You even see the polling on people that approve of gay marriage is, like, up by 40% in the last five years, and that was, yeah, a direct result of legislation. Do you think we live in a rape culture? I keep hearing our rape culture, our rape culture. Is it really a rape culture? Or we find our men... Not you and me, but some men finally discovering what women have to go through. I hate calling this a rape culture. I think it's more a consciousness, a rape-consciousness culture now. Well, I think it also refers to the women side of the equation, which is that women, when they are violated, they feel guilty. Sometimes they've been made to feel, by being questioned in court about what they were wearing, how much they drank, they've been made to feel that they're partially responsible, which they never are. If a woman loses consciousness and you have sex with her, that's rape. Or if a woman is physically struggling while you're entering her, that's rape. And I don't think it matters what the woman was doing before that. And that's what needs to change, is men having empathy for what it really means for a woman to be overwhelmed physically or taken without her consent. Right. Do you know, Jeffrey Tubin writes for the New Yorkers on CNN all the time, wrote an interesting piece during the OJ trial about rape. And he says, the reason it's so hard for a woman, when she gets raped, is because of the civil rights movement. So many African-American men were lynched and falsely accused. All lynchings, all of them, were based on fear of the black man raping white women. And they were always falsely accused of raping a white woman. And white women would have sex with a black man and then decide they were raped. And then a lot of men, black men, were falsely imprisoned. So it became much harder mid-20th century for a woman to say she was raped. Because so many black men had been falsely accused of rape. Yeah. So once again, I blame the rape culture on the blacks. No. Well I knew, I grew up with a black guy, this guy Andre, who was convicted of raping this girl in our town and spent 15 years in jail. And it's very well known that she only did that because of a boyfriend and a father finding out. And she was ashamed of it. He may have been acquitted for it later. And you know, so that dynamic is still in play. She owes him a couple of blowjobs. Yeah. I don't know what to say to that, David. That is, yeah. People say to me have, I want to get back to rape culture because I do think, yes, it's a rape culture. But I also think we're finally really discussing it. We're finally really discussing rape. Yeah. And somebody said to me, well, Obama's been president for nearly eight years. Are black lives, have they done better under Obama? And I go, oh yeah, much better because we're having a conversation now that is like the fourth civil rights movement. Yes. Yeah. Like when you had those black murders down there in North Carolina, the Baptist church. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, his speech following that was as powerful as a Martin Luther King speech. Yeah. When he sang Amazing Grace. Yeah. But you know, he didn't, he kept it white when he sang Amazing Grace. He did. You really? Oh, I think so. I think he was a white man in a, in a, this is a terrible thing to say, but I just, I felt he could have done a lot better. You mean he could have put more soul into it? I definitely think he was holding back. Yes. He could have scat a little bit. No, I mean, that's one of the great moments of his presidency, but he kind of stayed presidential, if you know what I mean. Well, I think because he understands if he's going to deliver this message, he does have to stay accessible to all people. But at the same time, if you look at his words and his emotions were so grounded in a guy that was telling you matter of fact, you know, how things need to be. I think it had an appeal that might have been lost if he had gone too deeply into expressing himself as an African-American man as opposed to a man. You know, if Hillary gets elected, Obama will go down, I think, as the greatest president since Roosevelt. And in many ways, well, Roosevelt, you know, the times made Roosevelt so, but Obama is pretty amazing. And I think he's ushered in this progressive wave that we haven't seen the end of. Anthony Weiner texting, Huma, Huma, his wife finally filed or said she's separating him, separating from him. Did you see the documentary, Weiner? No, I heard it was amazing. It's amazing. I saw him, you know, I was doing these specials for Hulu with the Trompy and Selcomic dogs. So we were at the DNC and Weiner was there and he was wearing a, like a loud blue jacket, checked gray pants, like a flower in his lapel. He looked like a, you know, like a clown, just screaming for attention. And brilliant guy, kind of brilliant, you know, I don't think he's even a lawyer. I think he's just a good speaker. And he was an amazing politician. He really represented the poor in a way that was really, you know, he would have worked really well with the Blasio. But he also has a really sculpted ab and a decent sized pecker. And I think it is hard to not, if I had that, it would be a struggle to not put that on the internet. What is it about texting? I've never done it. I've never sent a dick pic. I've never received a picture of tits. I've seen other people's and it turned me on, like a friend of mine to Tinder and girls were sending a picture. Like pretty soon, like third date, sending pictures. And I get it. I mean, it's like talking dirty taken in 3D. But aren't you worried that, you know, you send a dick pic and it's going to end up all over the place? Not just for politicians, just anybody in general. I guess the key is not putting your face in it. But he always does. He does the full body. I don't know why, but I have my Social Security tattoo to my cock. My Social Security number is tattooed to my cock. I don't know why I did that. Just the first 3 numbers? I wish. I wish I was young enough that Social Security, my Social Security number was issued that was more than 2 numbers. So old I am just desperately trying to make a joke here. Just because I cannot stand the fact that you came up with something incredibly funny. Well, just, you know, that's that competitiveness. I'm your new Jake Johansson. The earthquake in Italy, four against. To me it feels like Italians are, they move too much when they talk. I think this might just counteract it a little bit. When I was in Italy, I was in Italy this summer and I saw a guy walking down the street. And he was on a cell phone and they get so animated. He gets so animated that he puts his briefcase down so he can pinch his fingers together and wave it up and down as he's talking. Where were you in Italy? I keep, people say to me, like, when you go to a nice place in your head, what do you think of? I always think of Italy. Yeah, it really is. It really puts you in a certain mindset. We were in Rome and it's just the kind of place where if you're in the right neighborhood, you can just pop into any restaurant and it's going to be, you know, pasta was made there that day with tomatoes that were picked off a tree the day before. And the service is simple and there's no bullshit. They sling it out and they don't, they don't hand you a check to ask for it. You can just lounge for two hours. It's just, it's just got a great vibe. And then you go out into the country. We went down the Amalfi Coast and we rented this house up in the hills. And it just had a pool and it was Mesopotamian slaves that came with it, which was a nice touch. That's great. You really feel like you're in ancient Rome? Hmm. Do you feel... Can I tell you about the statues? Yeah. It's almost pornographic how good the naked statues are when you're in Rome. They're marble and the penises are extraordinary. I don't know how they chisel it. The shaft is like glass. It's so clear. It's almost like a little blue vein in it and the crown is very defined and there's a little slit. The balls are different. And you start to think when the sculptor is working on the dick for more than a couple days, people start to talk. You know, I came to Michelangelo. I think he got the dick. Maybe we're going on for a little while. Do you feel guilty in renting a house on the Amalfi Coast because you got the small kids and you feel they should be going to the museums instead? No, because we did both. We did one week in Rome doing all that stuff and then we did a week in the country just going to the beach and walking around and chilling out. That's the way to do it. Yeah. And we smoked Italian cigars and I had my kids and my niece and nephew all smoking cigars and we gave them a little bit of limoncella, which is this lemon alcohol they have up in the hills there. But you don't drink, right? All bets were off. You don't drink. We gave him just a little bit. But you don't. I don't drink. No. I don't drink either, but when I was in Rome and Umbria, I missed. That's when I wanted to go at it. Yeah. Which is bizarre because you know, you would think, the thing I had a wrestle with was, okay, I'm in Umbria now. I'm surrounded by beauty. It's calm. No internet. Why do you want to drink? Well, everybody's drinking. Okay, but what's that going to do for you? Oh, it would make me feel good. What? You don't feel good now? Yeah, but I feel really good if I could have some of this. Yeah. It's tough, right? See your kids chilling, kicking. Yeah, when everybody else is drinking. That's really when, this is like my friend George McDonald said, he's been sober for many years. And the one time he broke out was, it was like his first TV spot on, you know, one of those like A&E comedy something shows. And he felt really great. And that's when he had a drink. He said, you don't, it's more often that's when you break than when you're down and out and struggling and everything's horrible. That's like the cliche. But the truth is it's when you're, when you're feeling the best, you just want it to feel just a little bit better. Right. It's hard to explain to people. How long have you been sober? 26 years. Okay. I've been sober since 88. I can't do the math. What is that? That's 28 years. So I'm two years ahead of you. And if I was ever going to have a drink. Oh, no, that's not right. 28 years. Yeah, I got it right. Yeah. I've been sober for 20, 28 years. Yeah. And if I ever was going to have a drink, it was going to be last week and the past two years. Yeah. And I just, it was so out of the question. It was just not going to happen. I was just not going to have a drink because I knew that it was just going to make things worse. Yeah. And people have said to me, I don't understand how, you know, your view of life. And I say, you know, I wasn't put on this earth to be happy. I was put on this earth to do things, to work. And happiness is just not really, like I'm happy now talking to you. Like this to me, I love, this is pure joy. But the kind of joy that I used to have drinking and taking pills and smoking pot, you don't come close. But that's just not going to happen. Right. And that's not why we're put on the planet. We're put on this planet for a limited amount of time. And happiness is an accidental byproduct of doing hard things. Yes. Right? Yeah. I think it's funny that we strive so much for happiness because most countries don't, you know, they probably experience more happiness, but it's not held out as this cultural. Wow. And, you know, be all end all. Wow. The pursuit of happiness. Right. Right. The pursuit of happiness. You know, you don't pursue happiness. You pursue work. You pursue meaning. You pursue family. And then happiness comes. There was this great documentary, I think it was called happiness. And they were examining people from different cultures and how they experience happiness. And there was this guy in India who pulls a rickshaw through the mud barefoot and lives in a fucking hovel made out of like mud and sticks. And the guy honestly said, I'm a really happy guy. I'm happy all the time. I come home. My son's waiting for me. We spend time together. We all live in one room and it sounds corny and that's an extreme. But you know, I just think that when I've had times in my life where I had less money and did less things, I very often am like happier because I'm just with my family, not traveling as much, not going out to dinner as much. And there's something like we're all in this together feeling that is much more genuine than, hey, let's all pile off and go to Costa Rica and surf. You know, when I was living in Los Angeles, I briefly befriended Shadow Stevens, who because of my own ignorance, I had no idea how brilliant Shadow Stevens is. Is he a weatherman? Shadow Stevens is the announcer on The Late Late Show. He was on Hollywood Squares. He was a, he is, you know, like a Casey Kasem. He was very big in the 80s and the 90s and you would recognize his voice. Anyway, he's also like teaches transcendental meditation and is just so deep and blew me away how brilliant he is. Because when you, when you think of Shadow Stevens, you just think of this goofball with long hair and a surfer guy with a great voice who did, you know, Hollywood Squares and announcing and stuff like that. So it turns out he's also a Jeff Lin fan from ELO. He's obsessed with the ELO as am I. Yeah. And what he did, he showed me the Thief of Baghdad, the silent movie, the Thief of Baghdad. He added music to the Thief of Baghdad. It's a silent film and it's all made to, it's all done with ELO music. Holy crap. Wow. This is, this is brilliant. Yeah. If you like ELO. And the beginning of the Thief of Baghdad is written in the sky. It's a silent movie, Thief of Baghdad. Happiness must be earned. Happiness must be earned. Just watch the first five minutes of the Thief of Baghdad on Turner Classic Movies. And in the sky is written, happiness must be earned. Well, I can't think of a better way to close out the podcast. Colin Kaepernick, do you, do you stand for the National Anthem? I don't believe you should have to stand for the National Anthem or the Pledge of Allegiance or any of that other nationalistic bullshit. If you want to, if you want to take a little break, take a break. You know, it's, there's a lot of stuff you can make statements about in this country and that's a pretty innocuous way to do it. I don't stand for the Star Spangled Banner because it gives me massive wood. And it's embarrassing. You just start thinking about Jose, you know, right out of the gate. Jose, can you see? Hey, Greg Fitzsimmons, Fitzdog Radio, you're on the Stern Channel. You tour nationwide. What is the name of your book? It's called Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons Tales of Redemption from an Irish Mailbox. And can I give you some tour dates that I got coming up? Yes, by all means. I don't know the dates themselves because we're on FaceTime and I don't think I can access anything else. But this weekend, September 1st through 4th, I'll be at the Fort Lauderdale Improv. Wow. Then next week I will be at Hilarities in Cleveland. Wow. And then two weeks after that I will be at... Shit. Well, go to Fitzdog.com for all tour dates and details. Oh, I'm going to be in Calgary at Yuck Yuck, two weeks after that. Will you see Mark Breslin? Do you hang out with Mark Breslin? No, is he the guy? Yeah. Okay. I'll tell him you say hello. Well, I don't think he'll be in Calgary, though. And Fitzdog Radio, your podcast... I don't mean to embarrass you, but you murdered a small show. Whenever I do your show, it's like I've done Conan. The number of people who walk up to me after doing your show and say, I heard you on Fitzdog, it's stunning. That's great to hear. I love that. I swear to God, it blindsided me the first time. I went, wow. I mean... Well, it's not... I don't think that happens to every guest. I think you and I have a great chemistry, and you always make my show go to a whole other level. I find myself engaged. I feel funnier when you're on, so it's a testament to you as a guest. Well, I think, again, I don't mean to suck your cock, but it's a beauty. You know what happened here today? What? I think we reversed roles. I think what happened was you were hysterical. You were like me on your show. Freed up, yeah, because you don't have to run it. I love... I'd much rather be a guest on someone's podcast than do my own podcast. Yeah. I mean, you really... I remember there were a couple of moments where you really threw me, you know, funny, like, wow. That was... Anyway, more often, I love you. I mean that. I love you and... I love you, too. And worship your wife. That's my message. Worship her. I will worship her. I'm going to buy... You told me to buy her flowers the other day, and I'm going to do that today. I'm buying your wife flowers, but that's a whole other story. Send them over. That's a whole other story. See, you're getting competitive again with me. Send Jake Johansson's wife some flowers. All right, Greg Fitzsimmons, thank you so much, sir. All right, thanks, David. Bye.