 The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Hard, and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Ash. That will read as the quality. Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum is a typically American product that appeals to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country. And the Wrigley people feel that Life with Luigi is a typically American radio program. A friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and goodwill. So they're glad to bring you life with Luigi each week, and have you join them in this pleasant half-hours entertainment. And now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes about his adventures in America to his mama basco in Italy. Today is the saint of Valentine's Day in America. And to celebrate, I'm going out on a date. A date, mama mia, at-sa-mean, I'm going out with a girl. One girl is a singular date. Is also double a date. That's if I'm going out with a Pasquale, she's a fact, the daughter of Rosa. But no, I'm not going out with a Rosa. Any man who takes her out for dinner must also bring along a refrigerator. But this girl I'm taking out is called Shirley. And she's a waitress in a hamburger store a few blocks away. She's a very nice girl. And I'm thinking she likes me. Because every time she puts my hamburger on the stove, she gives it to one extra pat. Anyway, I'm always going to make a date with Shirley. So I'm going to start to tell her about you and Uncle Pietro. And here's a goat. Also entertainment tellers a goat. And Mario de Rooster and Josephine the chicken. And then this girl of Shirley is saying, you know, Luigi, you must have come from a very nice family. Well, that's all I'm going to do to my mamma mia. I'm going to bash her for that. Tomorrow, Shirley and I meet. We're going to the movies. Oh, I was so excited when I left the store. I'm going to left to Shirley a 25 cent tip. And I think she was excited, too, because she's left me 15 cents to change. Well, it's the time of my night school to class to my mamma mia. So I'm going to finish it this little later. Oh, you're beautiful, darling. You're great, the big, beautiful, darling. Don't worry about it. All right. Mr. Basco? Present. Mr. Howard? Present. Mr. Olsen? Present. Mr. Schultz? Why should I be different? Oh, it gives me such a feeling of security to know you're going to laugh even if I'm not funny. All right, Mr. Schultz. Now, class, today we're reviewing our grammar and we'll go over our verbs. Mr. Horowitz? With pleasure. It so happens I went over my verbs last night. Good. Then you may tell us the four different types of verbs. Well, let's see. There's the transitive type. Very good. The intransitive? The regular or the? The regular or the what? Regular or mobile gas. No, no. Mr. Schultz, will you tell Mr. Horowitz the answer? Certainly not. What am I a schreeler? Oh, come now. Verbs may be intransitive, transitive, regular or what? Mobile gas is no good. No, of course not. I don't know. It gives me 17 miles to the gala. Doesn't anybody know the answer? I do, Miss Bolting. Intensive, transitive, regular or irregular. That's very good. There he goes. Schmorgasbord with brains. Please, Mr. Schultz. Now, let's get on with our lesson. Mr. Baskow? Huh? Take the verb go. Now, give me a sentence using the past tense. Well, uh, we wasn't went to the movies. Oh, no. Not we was went to the movies. Why, picture wasn't all good. Mr. Baskow, forget about the picture being good or bad. But, Miss Bolting, I'm not going to forget it. The picture's got to be good. Why? Because, uh, because I'm taking a girl to see it. Oh. Girl? Luigi, you got a girl. Oh, tell us all about it, Luigi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, who is she, Luigi? Well, uh, uh, he's a, he's a girl of wetness, and she's, she's a work in a hamburger store near me. From a hamburger store? Tell me, how is she built? Medium or well done? I smile, Luigi. I'm just trying to make fun. Luigi, I know a wonderful picture playing down pond. Very nice. It's all about nature and farming. Oh, that's very education, huh? Oh, which, that's just like you, to pick out the educational picture. What is wrong with that? When you take out a girl to the movies, you don't try to improve your mind. You try to improve your chances. Yeah, but, uh, for the wait a minute to show it, so I'm, I'm gonna understand you. Ah, stop worrying about it, Luigi. Comes tomorrow, take your girl to the movies. Buy two tickets to the balcony. It's nice and dark, so right away you give her a kiss. Sure, sir. Sure, sir, I'm gonna wanna do that, sir. Then you put your arm around her. I'm gonna wanna do that, sir. Will you hold her by the hand? No. You know something, Luigi? I think you should take her to see their educational picture. Gee, my friend, Luigi, hello, hello. Hello, first-grally. Eh, what are you so happy about, the little banana nose? Huh? Well, first-grally, tomorrow I'm gonna go to the movies. There's a picture with a Marks of Brothers, and he's called the love of happy. So you're gonna be love of happy, huh, little pumpkin ahead? Now it's gonna be Groucho, Harpo, Chico, and Luigi. I think the love of happy's a good picture because, uh, I'm, uh, I'ma take in a girl with me. A girl? Luigi? My only little coverage of pussy, come here. No, no, first-grally, please, no, this isn't love. Oh, my roses, she's gonna be so happy. Luigi, there's some movies are gonna be out of me. I'm gonna pay for the two tickets, and besides this, I'll give you two slugs at the foot in the popcorn machine. No, first-grally, wait, I'ma not to take in a rush. What? I'ma take in another girl. Another girl? Lesson of you, one great. There's only one reason I'ma brought you here from Italy, to marry my daughter Rosa. First-grally, why can't Rosa find a smarter fellow here in America? Because of her taste, it's a very high class, and she's happened to like him part of the stuff. We're just, she's just such a wonderful girl. She can cook, she can keep a house, she can sew, she can wash, iron, and knit. What else can you ask her for, Rosa? She should have married somebody else. No, I'ma so mad, I coulda bust. All right, go, go, take her to the movies, to see if I, eh, movies, eh? That's all right, First-grally, we're going to the movies. Luigi, I was all wrong. Like you say, you gotta write to go out with other girls before I make you a choice of you. Oh, good, go to First-grally, I'ma glad you see my point. Oh, that's the one thing about me, Luigi. I may be stubborn, but when I'ma get an idea to my head, it's a come right to the point. Yeah, you should write to First-grally. You got to the most pointy head I know. That's a funny thing, and when I'ma say it, it's a come out of different. Well, anyway, I hope you enjoy. Eh, what's the matter, First-grally? Luigi, I just told her something. In America, there's unwritten law on a Valentine's Day not to take a girl to the movies. What? That's all right, if you do is a violation of the TVA. TVA, what's that? Technical Valentine Association. They're in charge of all the legal technicalities. But don't worry yourself, Luigi, you're allowed to take her to nightclubs. Nightclubs, but, eh, enter that, I guess, by myself? No, oh, besides, you're very lucky. If you tell the nightclub you go to night school, they give you 20% off, a professional discount. Yeah, but the food, the Antarctic Spanish? Ah, it shows how little you know, Luigi. In the nightclubs, everything is a served alacar. Alacar? That's very cheap. It means the food is a served at the push carts. And then if you bring along your own tablecloth, there's no cover charge. Also, you get a ring-side of seats that saves a lot of money and you don't have to watch the fights if you're the water. Well, that's a nice, but Pascuale, I'm on a one that should be too cheap. Oh, don't worry, I'm going to fix you up right now. I've got to call up a place that they call the Pumper Room. Pumper Room? Eh? Eh, it seems to me I'm heard as expensive. Oh, what a boob. How can it be expensive? It's right next to the firehouse. Luigi, you're going to make a fine impression on your girl. Hello? Hello, Pumper Room? I would like to reserve a table for two tomorrow night. And name Luigi Bosco. Yes, the ring-side. That's a good one. Thank you very much. Goodbye. Oh, Pascuale, you're really a friend to help me out. Who else would have done such a thing to me? Nobody. That's all right, nobody. Well, go, go, go, Luigi. Get a good night's of sleep, or you're going to be all rested up for four tomorrow. All right, Pascuale, thanks, and a good night. Good night, good night. What's so good about it? Wait till his girl starts ordering a big with a champagne and his tanks and the things. When Luigi takes a look at that check, he's the think he's going to be paying the back for the whole marshal of plans. Today I'm taking a show at the real American night club. I'm going to call her up and tell her I'm taking her out to the Pumper Room. And she's a sounder that's so surprised and happy. Luigi, my fellow boomer. Oh, hello, Schultz. Well, what movie are you going to see? No movie shoots. We're going to the Pumper Room. The Pumper Room? You? Surely, yeah. No, Luigi, you can't go there. The only reason they call it the Pumper Room is because you've got to own an oil vail to pay the check. Yeah, but a show to Pascuale used to tell me that TVA is underwritten a law against the movies. But nightclubs are not charging me for cover if I'm watching the fights or when am I on the table o'clock? Who got scheming Pascuale? Has he got you for shimmels? Luigi, did you tell the girl about the Pumper Room? Yeah. Well, you call her right up and tell her you're taking her back to the movies again. But the... But what's the reason? No reason. Tell her anything. Tell her... Tell her you've got virus pulmonia and you spend all your money on Bromo quinine cold tablet. What? Stop something. All right, then. All right, then. Schultz, I'm gonna call her. I'm gonna... Schultz, is it at the telephone? Well, then it ain't me. I'm sorry. All right, then. Hello? Hello, Luigi. This is Shirley. Oh, Shirley, I... I was just gonna call you. Oh, mental telepathy? No, on a telephone. I look... I look at Shirley, I'm... Let me tell you first. I just had to tell you I got a special evening gown for tonight. Oh, Shirley, I'm gonna tell you that... Oh, you got a special evening gown for tonight? Yes. Oh, and I look just wonderful in it. What do you want to tell me, Luigi? Oh, nothing. Just a... Just a goodbye. Well, Schultz, I'm gonna get the heart to tell Shirley to go to the movies. She's got a special evening gown for tonight. What am I gonna do? What are you going to do? What can you do? Smile! Only now that she's wearing evening clothes, you got to wear a doxedo. A doxedo? Yeah, yeah. You see, nightclubs are very democratic. They don't want to be able to tell the customers from the waiters. Luigi, tell me this. How much money you've gotten? Twenty dollars. Is that enough? That ain't enough to dress like a waiter. Luigi, wait, wait, wait. Into my head, an idea just pooped. I know a place where you can rent a doxedo for just a few dollars. That's so wonderful. Yeah, yeah. Come on, get dressed. You go right there. Then maybe you can stretch the rest of your money. Stretch it? Yeah, yeah, sure. When the waiter brings you the menu, just tell him you want a salami sandwich, a bottle of Pepsi Cola, and two glasses. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What's the matter? Glasses might be too expensive. You better ask for two straws. No, don't worry, Luigi. Smile. No, you'll get the doxedo. You'll look like a million dollars. And believe me, you're going to need it when the check comes. This is going to be terrible. Ah, so what? She'll be like me, Luigi. Smile. Always laughing. My rheumatism is killing me. Sir, can I help you? Yeah, I'm coming here to rent the doxedo. Good. You're about a size 38. Here's one your size. You also get the starched white shirt and bow tie with it. Oh, so that's a doxedo, huh? Once I'm a sawman on the street, he's a wet ass suit just like this in his shirt. There's a light up in his say, eat at the sands. But this shirt don't light up, huh? Absolutely not. That would cost extra, huh? Look, mister, I can't waste all night gabbing with you. This suit will cost you six bucks for the night. $60 for the night. That's our regular price. Oh, please. Please. Make a little less regularly. I'm not going to get a much money, and I promise I'm going to take a good care of the suit. I'm going to sit very light under the pants. And if the weather is a spill of mustard or from the hot dog, I'm going to clean it off for myself. Please, mister. Well, it is kind of late in the evening, and we do have what we call an emergency charge. If you bring the suit back before midnight, the charge is half. $3. $3? That's a fine. How am I going to bring it back before midnight? That'll be $3 plus a $2 deposit. $5. $5. Now to have a deposit. As it is, it's a bargain. I'd like to hear it. That's to leave them at $15. Fine. By the way, where are you going? The pump room. I'm attacking my girl for dinner. On $15? Terrible, huh? Well, just remember in case you have to wash dishes, roll those sleeves up first. Weegee, I'm crazy about this place. The pump room. I never thought you'd be the type to go here. Oh, yes, some are the type, all right. I'm coming here all the time. Oh, well, I do, too, all the time. In fact, I'm getting tired of this place. Oh, well, so am I. You are? Yes. Good. Let's go to the movies. Oh, no. No, now that we're here, let's stay. All right. Shelly, that's a beautiful dress you're wearing. Oh, thank you. Do you like it? Oh, sure. Only? Only what? Only, I think they put on a bottom or what that they forgot to put up on the top. You silly. They come that way. Oh, I'm going to complain. You look very handsome in your tuxedo. Thank you. I haven't got so many. I don't even like it to wear them. Oh, it's the same with me and my gowns. All right. I have dozens. Me, too. Dozens. Pardon, sir. Would you like to order something to drink before dinner? Yes, two glasses of water. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Would you care for a Manhattan? No, I'm a happy hero with the Chicago. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Sir, joking aside, we have some excellent champagne. Mom's Cordon Rouge. Mom's Cordon Rouge? Yes. Yes. 1943. 1943. Come on, ma'am. That's all I'm going to say. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Well, I'll leave these menus here, sir, and I'll be right back. Ah, drizzle., honey. Ah.... The menu. Alacarta. Oops. Well... What, Mary Louisa? You just turned white. Well, that's off from a laugh, and I'm a lost in my appetite, crab. Don't be silly. You must force yourself! Oh, look at the wonderful things they have, filet mignon, stuffed duck, peasant on the glass. I take it out of the wood, it's too straw-sy. Oh, I thought you said something else, well, I read, steak is six dollars, and I'm a chap of five dollars, something a French ate the dollars, more French ate than a half a dollar. I think I'm better go back to the English, maybe I'll take a cup of coffee. Yes, sir, have you made your selection? Well, surely I'm going to put myself into your hands, I mean, it's up to you. Oh, I don't feel like eating. What? Oh, surely, order is something. Are you sure? Of course, order is something. Well, then first bring me some tomato juice. That's something, I'll have it at the tomb. And then you can give me a portion. I'll get the Reggie. Yeah, you have enough to eat to surely? Oh, sure, and I never thought an egg sandwich could be that delicious. Well, I'm glad that you like it. It's getting late. Oh, waiter, I did check. Yes, sir. Let me see. Come on, let me have $700. Something wrong? No, no, no, no. You wait to hear surely. I'm going to come right at the back. Hey, waiter, come here, please. I'm going to talk it to you. Don't tell me. I can see it coming. Can't pay? Yeah, but please, I'm going to get most of the money. And when I'm going to return this suit, I'm going to get to the rest. But if you want the money now, I'm going to wash you the dishes. One of them playboy busboys, huh? Well, look, my friend, this isn't just a restaurant. This place has got a philosophy. Today's pauper is tomorrow's millionaire. That's America. That's right. I've been a pauper so long, I'm due any day now. Look, friend, I'm going to turn into my tuxedo and bring the money right back. Only, please, please don't tell my girl. Sure, sure, go ahead. Thank you. Well, Luigi, my friend. Pascuali. And look who else, Rosa. Come here, Rosa. Pascuali, Rosa, what are you doing in here? Just checking up. Just to look on you. I bet you girl, it takes you a millionaire. Hey, please, please, Pascuali, don't make a trouble for me. Hey, Rosa, don't he fool you? Wouldn't you take you looking on a millionaire? No. That's all right. It's just a bum. And these girls are going to find that out right now. I'm going to tell her. No, wait a minute, Pascuali. No, no, no. Don't stop me. I've been watching you all this time. That's at the table. Hey, where is she? What? Come on, Mamire. Come on, girls. She's a goner. Uh-oh. She was a South-East Augusta with a missus and left her without even saying a good-bye. Well, now maybe that's to teach you a lesson. Oh, no, no. I'm going to go. Hey, wait till the week- No, no. I'm going to get to the $2.00 a pack. I'll go buy you. Wait. What's going on here? Rosa, why do you think he's got to be somewhere before midnight? I don't know. Go. Shut up, you fag. You didn't have to rush that much. You still have ten minutes. Oh, well, what's the use? It looks fine. Nice and clean. No mustard stains. Mustard stains. If it's a suit, I have a mustard stain. It's have more to eat than a me. Oh. It looks like you didn't have much fun, did you? It looks like a... Well, thanks for the $2.00. The next time... 5 or 12, I hope I made it in time. What is this? Everybody in a rush. Shirley. Luigi. You two know each other? We know each other. We just did and I have a dinner together. Oh, that's right. I thought you had a dozens of addresses like that. I thought you had dozens of suits like that. Yeah. No, please. Please. Stop it. Stop it. We mustn't laugh. Why not? So, give me appetite. So, mommy, it turned out there was a beautiful Valentine's Day after all. Shirley and me, we found out that we got a summer thing, and it's a one-a-bigger thing in a common. No money. Anyway, after we left for the closest store, I was a feeler very hungry. So, we went to tweet. Everything we could want. A feast for a king. Shirley, your shirt is all right. Oh, yeah. My folks are asleep. They won't hear us in the kitchen. Hmm, is it delicious? Ah, you know something, Luigi? Please, Shirley. Pass it to the cheese. There's something very sweet about you. Thank you. And the mustard, too. You're sweet, too. Thanks. You know, you got a quality a lot of girls look for in a fella. Thank you. Yeah. Some buttermilk in the refrigerator. Oh, I keep forgetting how hungry you are. That's all right. Ooh, I'm gonna forget how late it is. Maybe, maybe I'm a better girl. Yeah, maybe. And we'll pick it up some other time. Why, I dropped something? No, no, we'll see each other. Oh, sure, sure. I'm gonna like it very much. Good night, Shirley. Good night, Luigi. Good night. Good night to me. Didn't you forget something? No, I'm gonna get everything. You may say good night to me. Anywhere you like, Luigi. Anywhere? Uh-huh. Then I'm a certain Italian. Is that how they say good night in Italy? Uh-huh. That's how we say it in America. You see, Mama Mia, why I'm a like America. You're another son of Luigi Bascò, the immigrant. Friends of the Wrigley Company invite you to listen to their other program, the Gene Offery Show, every Saturday night over most of these stations. Bob Stevenson speaking. This is CBS to Columbia, Rob Castingson.