 The Anderson family. Mary, you're gonna have to do something about getting rid of this Uncle Oscar. You can't do that, Oliver. After all, he's a relative. I don't seem to place him, though. Probably a renegade. I'm not sleeping on that couch again, Mom. Of course not. Neither am I. All right, all right. There won't be any panic over this. You'll act like a gentleman, Oliver Anderson, even if you have to pretend. Well, I like that description. Uh-oh. Here we go again, folks. Now let's visit the Anderson family. Well, this whole thing started when a telegram came to the Anderson's telling of the arrival this evening of Uncle Oscar. Of course, when this thing first happened, Oliver had other things to worry about, as he talked to his boss, Mr. Thompson. Oh, look, Anderson, let's not kid ourselves. Business is lousy. The Ajax people are taking account after account right out from under our noses. Well, uh, yes, I guess they've taken a couple. How about our Mr. Johnson? Our late Mr. Johnson. He's no longer with us. Oh. You mean he's fired? That's right. Torrance and I had a conference last night. We're only going to keep the ones who produce. That's serious, huh? Yes, it's that serious. We have one chance to save our necks. That's where you come in, Anderson. Oh. Yes, Anderson. Johnson had a shot at this Curtis account and muffed it. It's a $150,000 deal. We must get that account. All I do is get that. That's right. Now, Mr. Curtis is a peculiar man. Well, he can afford to be without much money. You're treating this rather lightly for a fellow who has one foot out of the concern already? Well, of course. I'm only a human being. I don't want a human being. I have to have a salesman. Well, I'll do my best, Mr. Thompson. That isn't going to be good enough. But I'm going to give you a good start on this. I've wired Curtis to come this evening. But I haven't been able to find one place for him to stay. That's good. That's good? Yes. Because that gives me an opportunity to have him spend the night at your house, where he'll get to know you better. Spend the night at my house? That's correct. He's afraid of traffic, afraid of violence. All in all, a very peculiar man. Maybe we should get him a room with the sanitary. He's coming to your house. The only other house he knows is mine. But I want him to stay at your house so he'll know you better. Remember, there's a lot at stake here. But of course. I'd have to let Mary know he's coming. Oh, yes, of course. Isn't that good? No, sir. That's bad. I'm just trying to borrow that single bed. Oh, well, how did she know we were going to have company? We got a telegram. How did you know? Mr. Thompson told me. Mom thought you'd hit the ceiling when you heard we were going to have a guest. Well, ordinarily, it wouldn't worry me. But if it's for the best, we'll have to be good sports, I guess. How did Mary take it? Jeez, well, I was surprised, Pop. Of course, there was one thing that worries her. Oh, I don't worry about everything. The only thing we can do is accept it and smile. But she doesn't know who Cousin Oscar is. He's kind of our... Cousin Oscar? Yeah. Here, read the wire. Hmm. I'm with you in thought now. We'll be with you in person tonight, Cousin Oscar. Kind of corny, huh, Pop? Sounds like a close relative of hers, all right. They laugh their way in. Oh, gee, here's Mom now. Oh, Oliver, home so soon, dear. I've just read this moronic telegram, Mary. Yes, it was a telegram. Yes, it was a surprise to try to remember as I will. I don't remember any Oscar in our family. Well, I probably kept him out of sight till he was grown. Oh, now, look, Oliver, I don't want that attitude toward my relatives. I didn't invite him here. Couldn't we wire him that we just had a fire? Wire him where? Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, he's not gonna make me sleep on that couch again. Of course not, neither am I. Oh, be quiet. You're just making it worse. He probably found a railroad ticket someplace in some pocket he picked, so he's using it. Oliver, Junior, don't pay any attention to your father. Gee, Mom, after all... That's all right. Of course, it could have been worse. He could have been twins. Gee, it's kind of stuffy in here, Mom. I'm going over to Mr. Meister's where it's quiet. Oh. Look, dear, let's not have these scenes. No ones to blame. I'll find some way to send him on his way. I wish I could believe that. And then we'll be alone, dear. Yeah, well, I... Alone? Wait, Mary, I forgot. Mr. Curtis. Curtis? Who's he? He's a guest. Now, wait, Oliver, let's take this thing calmly. No, that's right. He's an eccentric client who was supposed to give our company an order for $150,000. Well, we can... He can just go to a hotel. But listen, Mary, Johnson got fired because he couldn't sell him. Thompson wants me to give him that homie touch. Why doesn't he go to Thompson's? Because Thompson wants me to get close to him. What's wrong with Mr. Curtis? Oh, he has a phobia for different things. Once he ran all the way from downtown and hid under Mr. Thompson's bed. Goodness, why Thompson's? He feels there's some protection there, I guess. No. You know, when a guy acts that way, there must be a chorus girl somewhere in the background. Well, you work it out. If it's business, we have to put up with it, of course, but... Yeah, but this Oscar business is out. Yes, dear. Now, please relax. I'm going over to Homer's, Mary. Maybe he knows some way to evict this Oscar. He's had a lot of relative trouble himself. Well, now, don't go over there and worry Homer with it. I'm not. There's no need for two of us to worry. Well, uh, oh, nothing in particular, Homer. I just won't annoy you if I step in for a minute, will I? Oh, now, Oliver, I've just gone over the whole thing with Martha. We can't take Oscar in here. Oscar? How do you know? Oh, Junior and Mary told Martha this evening. Oh. I have enough trouble with Martha's tribe without going outside the family. I didn't ask you to take him in, did I? Well, no, no. Think I'd do that to you, Homer? Well, I don't suppose you would. It's different having someone here if you know him. How? Oh, well, you kind of know him, and you like to have him around. Well, well, yes, of course. That makes a difference, all right. And you know how hard it is to get room? Oh, yep, yep, I know. I'll take you. You have that extra bedroom. Well, she's tore up. Tore up? Yep, yep. Getting a new cover on the mattress and getting the springs unsagged. Martha's big fat uncle bent him up. Oh, boy, something terrible. I can't afford to remodel the beds every time somebody wants to come and visit. Yeah, I know. You're a lot like me, Homer. I am, huh? Yeah. Yeah. See, I'd do anything to help you out. Yep, yep, I guess you would, Oliver. I know you'd do the same for me. Oh, yep, I will. You mean I can have the room, huh? No, no, I mean, I'll show you how to get rid of him. Oh, well, now you're talking. How about Mary? Oh, she don't know nothing about this at all. It's a little trick I used once. Trick? No, boy, it sure works. Okay, how did you do it? Well, well, you make them up a bit on the porch. Porch? Yep, and after the first night, then they suddenly remember they have to be on their way. Ah, but Mary won't go for that. Well, of course, there's always the sick angles. Sick? That does the trick. How do you mean? Well, you see, it's something it did when Martha's paw lived on us one summer to stay for the season. I just plum-scared him out. Well, now that's more like it. How did you do it? Well, of course, now, I don't want to be blamed for this, Oliver. Blame you? Don't be silly. What do I do? I'm not worried about Martha. I'm invited to go fishing tomorrow with the boss. And with this Oscar here, I'll never get to go. Oh, it's in the bag, Oliver. He's as good as gone, and you're on your way fishing. Now, wait, wait, wait. I don't want him slugged, you understand? No, no, no. That ain't the way it's done. You got to do it legal-like and still be able to live in your own home after he's gone. Yeah, I have to consider that, too. And remember now, act like you're glad to see him. Treat him like one of the family, and if you're put up with him. Now, wait, hold it. Hold it. Now, let me tell you. Now, don't interrupt. Don't interrupt. Or else you've got a border on your hands. I know. Okay, now, hurry up. Now, how do I get rid of this cousin Oscar? Well, look, I've got a small bottle or something, and you shake it up and put the cork on your chest. Make big red blotches. Looks like you're breaking up with something. Now, now, wait a minute. Oh, no, no, I don't hurt a bit. Just makes big red spots, and they go away after a while. Then you roll your eyes and act sick like, and it scares them right out of the house. Great. I'll do it, Homer. Of course, it works better right after you eat than they think it's something you eat, too. Well, I'll pull it right in front of him, too. Yeah, then I'll come on over like I'm worried about you. Now, now, how do I do it? Well, here, I'll just put the cork on your neck and chest, and you complain about a fever. Then you discover the red spots and show them to him. It's a deal. I'll get rid of that guy, but good. Has he come yet? He's in the front room. Oscar or Mr. Curtis? Oscar. Hmm. I'll take a peek at him through this door here. Well, hurry. I'm supposed to be getting him some soda and warm water. Psst, look. See the head on him? Mm-hmm. And a slant to the left. You can see your family resemblance there. Now, wait a minute, Oliver. Feet on the coffee table. I'm just about wild. Oliver, you have to do something. Me? I'll bet I'll do something. I'll have him leaving this house so fast his hip pockets will dip sand. Now, Oliver, no violence. I won't have the rest of my family know we treated him that way. Don't worry. Look, look here. See my chest? My neck? See? Oliver, those red blotches. You're ill. I know, but those spots aren't the cause. I put them there. They come right off in four or five hours. Oh, but Oliver, do you think it's fair to frighten him? Either that, or we live in the kitchen. Oh, please be diplomatic, dear, for my son. Don't worry. I'll handle this cookie. Just give him a clear path to the door when he sees these spots. Well, Oscar, Oliver finally came home. Of course, of course. They always do. Did you fly in or take the train? No, no, I took the train. Oh. Why, is there some other way? Oh, no, no. Mary was just wondering if you'd walked in. Uh, me. What a happy family. Yeah. You know, we worried a little when you folks got married. Did you? Yes, but you haven't done too badly. Nope, not too badly. Is that you, Junior? Yeah. And then meet your Uncle Oscar, dear. Gee, Mom. So this is Uncle Oscar. Welcome to our home, Uncle Oscar. Don't make it too strong, Junior. My, my, my. What a fine boy. Simply fine. Has a head shape just like my branch of the family. Now, wait a minute, Oscar. What he meant, dear, was Junior resembles his side. Oh, I thought he said Junior looked like him. Oh, yes. After all these years, you didn't know I worked for the state for four years and seven months now, did you? For the state? Huh? Bum checks? Oh. Um, Oliver, Oscar is probably too tired to laugh. Gee, if we'd known you were coming sooner, we could have, uh, stocked up a bit on groceries, but we're, uh... And notice Oliver's developed a sense of humor? Well, uh, just so he's happy. That's a priceless thing. Uh, uh, how are all your folks, Oscar? Oh, I don't really know. They're such a boorish lot. Isn't it the truth? Oh, I don't think they're any worse than others. Well, now that's kind of you to say, Mary. How long are you gonna stay, Uncle Oscar? Junior. Now, now, Mary, that's a fair question. Kids can't learn if they don't ask questions. Uh, how long are you gonna stay? Well, it all depends. Yes, sir, it all depends. It all depends, Junior, you see? Uh, before Oscar starts talking about your other relatives, you'd better leave the room, son. Oh, come now, come now. I've never met any of Mary's relatives. Never met... What? But, but cousin Oscar? Yeah. My, my, my. You don't remember me, all of them? Uncle Benny, Aunt Lucy, Freddie and his carbuggles? Joe with the ingrown face and Charlie and Bertha and the Pollywogs? Oscar, old man. Gee, I'm glad to see you. Oliver, uh, Oliver, I don't... Junior, this is my cousin Oscar. Come on, shake hands. He's your own uncle. But, Pop, you told me he was... I told you no such thing. Oliver. Huh? Your neck, those blotches. Blotches? Oh, no. Blotches? Oh, yeah, and my fever, too. I gotta get to bed. Oh, this is awful. You're exposed this way. My goodness, my goodness. Small, poor, bubonic plague. Run, Oscar, while there's still time. Me? Run? I should say I won't run. Yeah, but you'll catch it. Oh, come now, you're delirious. I can't catch something I've already had. You've had? You've already had it? Of course, of course. Now, get Oliver to bed, and I shall stay and nurse him back to hell. No, no! Now, back to the Andersons. Oliver was surprised by a visit from some uncle Oscar. After worrying Mary about it for an hour, he finally discovered it was his own cousin. But a Mr. Curtis, a very important client, is supposed to be arriving any minute at Oliver's home, and instead of cousin Oscar being driven from the house, he is now taking charge of the sick room. Now, it's nothing to worry about at all. You just lie back and keep your pajamas up around your neck. Yeah, but Oscar, you shouldn't be exposed this way. Hot, hot, my dear cousin. I'll not leave you. Look, will you leave the room for a minute? I want to say something to Mary. How's the patient, cousin Oscar? You know, Mary, you're treating this very lightly. After all, he is your husband. And you haven't even called the doctor. Well, of course, if you think I should. Great Scott, how callous! His own wife doesn't care whether he lives or dies. Well, I'll get some warm water and please don't excite him. This has gone far enough, Oliver Anderson, when he starts discussing me and accusing me of being a bad wife. Oh, now, Mary, let's calm down. It just didn't work out at all, so I'll have to have a little talk with him. I don't care how you do it. Get him out and get him out soon. But Mary, he's my own cousin. Yes, of course, but when you thought he was my relative, you showed some action. Please, Mary. Oliver, someone's coming up the walk. He has a grip. He has? Uh-huh. Mary, that's the client. Get out quick. Keep stalling him till I get dressed. Now, now, just relax, Oliver. Never mind now. I'll have you up and around inside of six months. Oscar, Oscar, hand me my trousers. My shirt, my tie. Get back in that bed. You're a sick man. You'll not get dressed. Keep your hands off of me. Let me get dressed. No, you'll not do it. Lie back there. He's here. You can't be disturbed. I don't care who it is. Shhh. Listen. Landle this. You must have it quiet. Come back here, Oscar. I'm... Here, here, here. We have sickness in this house and we can't have this boisterousness. Uh, sickness. Good heavens. I didn't know. I must take the next train back to Blairsville. Yes, yes. You'll have to leave this minute. Well, now, let's get this thing straight. Oliver! Huh? You're a sick man. Go back to your room. Good heavens. Is this the patient? Mr. Curtis, you'll have to excuse me, but I'm... See, see, look. Low those blotches on his neck. Run, man, run. Huh? Let me out of here. Mr. Curtis. Go on. Look, Oscar, that was my client. Now you get out of my house and get out now. Oh, goodness, Mary. This excitement has caused a relapse. We must get this man back to bed. He's delirious. Take your hands off of me, Oscar, and leave me alone. The phone, Oliver. I'll answer it. You get back to bed. Get out of my way. I still can answer my own phone. Let me answer it, Oliver. You get dressed. Oh, all right. Answer it. Yes? Listen, this is the boss. Has Curtis arrived yet? Yes, he has. Oh, fine. Done any good? I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet, but I will if I can catch him. Oh, that's fine. I'll... Catch him. I can't talk now. I have to go to the station. No, no, no. Wait, Anderson. Don't neglect this man. I'm not. I merely want to talk to him. I'm determined on that point. Oh, good, Oliver. I'd like to see that old fighting spirit. Well, look, boss. I have to run now. I'll see you later. Well, just a word of warning. Get to him till he signs our... Well, you understand. Uh, uh, yeah, yes, of course. So long. The boss, dear. Yeah. Now, now, hurry. The client said he was going to the station, so let's get going. Now, listen, I shan't let you out of this house, Oliver. It's for your own good. Look, Oscar, for your own good, stay out of my way. But those blotches, they're fiery red now. Oh, Oliver, they are. I don't care about that. I've got to get to the station. I can't stand much more of this, Oliver. Well, I can't stand any more of it. If I lose this account, Oscar will have to furnish the groceries. Well, the boss meant it. Well, I hope we aren't too late, dear. We still have seven minutes before the train leaves. But do you think he'll go to the station? Of course. He's an eccentric man. The only thing he knows is the train station My House and Thompson. Well, then, let's get going a little faster. It's three blocks yet. Hurry, dear. There's the train standing there. Do you see him? No, I don't. Maybe he's Oliver. He's talking to that man by the gate. That's Curtis. Uh-huh. Come on, Mary. All right. Hey, see who he's talking to? No. That's Spencer of the Ajax Company. I'm sunk. Well, Mr. Curtis has some paper in his hand. Now, that could be the contract. Mary, I can't lose this account like this. Come on. Uh, Mr. Curtis, wait a minute. I must see you. He sees you. Don't leave, Mr. Curtis. I'm all right. Where's the entrance? I'll catch up to him. He took the paper with him. Good. I'll catch him. Don't see, Mr. Curtis. Well, he's disappeared. Well, Mary, I tried. Well, don't take it too much to heart, dear. You can find something else to do. But, Mary, I don't want to wash cars. It's easier on the nerves. Well, packing apples and stuff like that. Hmm. Huh? What's wrong? Your shirt collar is open and everyone on the street is staring at you. All right, Bob. Take a walk. Go on. Get it. I want to get a hold of that Homer. Oliver, it's those spots. Let's get home. Oscar! Oscar! Oliver, that's not diplomatic. No, but it's effective. If we're going to stop eating, I want to stop eating by myself. Hmm. Oscar! Doesn't answer. That's probably Oscar with the health authorities. It's Homer. Come in. You're not afraid of spots. Me afraid of spots? Ho, ho, ho. Not them kinds of stuff. Sit down, Bob. I want to go over something with you. Well, now, only done what you wanted me to and I even run him away by myself. Run all the way? Why, this Oscar fella, when he told me he'd had this blotchy stuff before, I told him he couldn't have, because if he did, his neck would have fallen off. Oh, no, Homer. Yep, yep. He took out like a finance man was after him. How's that? Well, sir, that reminds me, one time when I was back in North Platte, had a little farm back there and you had me a little calf and just couldn't keep that little fella out of the garden. Yes, sir, just poked his nose round there all the time. Well, sir, one day I finally got him on the run. You know what it is? What? Oh, me. Went out and got me some turpentines. Yeah, yeah, that's fine. That's fine. Excellent, Homer. That's wonderful. I could almost forgive you for getting rid of Oscar. Well, we done it anyhow. You can say that again. Yep. Homer, this cement work you do, is that tough on the back? Yeah. Well, not if you do it like I do. Just don't do it too steady, is all. Too steady. Why are you asking? Oh, whoa. Nothing. I'm probably going to have to find something more suited to my nerves, shall I say. Well, I tell you, I done what I could, Oliver, and you can't blame a fella for doing the best you can. No, no. Well, he's not blaming you, Homer. Oliver just depends too much on other people. Yep, yep. That's the way I figured. He's doing that all the time. Well, I've got to get me back. Where Martha's kind of suspicious when I'm gone for more than an hour. Suspicious of what? Oh, you know how jealous some women get. Yeah, with your new turtleneck sweater. Oh, well, the fella has to keep himself slipped up these days. You know, the girls still look me over. Well, good night. Now, good night, Homer. That's life for you. The guy gets himself a turtleneck sweater and his future is complete. Oh, now stop worrying, dear. We'll manage somehow. You see, I never had a chance. But do you think I could explain that to the boss? Look, why don't you take a hot bath, get in bed, and in the morning go down and tell the boss you've resigned. Resigned? Are you kidding? I'm fired. Is that you, Junior? Yeah. Where you going? So early? Come in here a minute. I thought you were going to the Gargoyle Club this evening, dear. Yeah, I did go over to the Gargoyle Club, but the kids all left. Left? On account of you? Yeah. Well, I suppose I'll be giving them a leave of absence now. A leave of absence? Why? Oh, nothing. Uh, Junior, come over here in the light. Let me see you. Oh, no, it's nothing, Pop. Junior, your neck. Yeah, yeah, I'm wrong again. What is it? Well, gee, I don't know. I thought if Uncle Oscar saw me with the spots, too, you know, he'd think it was an epidemic. You mean Homer put some on you, too? What? Yeah, sure. Well, I asked him to, Mom. Now, don't get mad at him. Why, Junior Anderson? Gee, when I discovered they wouldn't come off, it was too late. Wouldn't come off? Heck, no. Skin gets burned and they just have to wear off. Wear off? I'm going to have these blotches till they wear off? But I don't know who that is. The boss. Hello, Anderson. This is the boss. Did you land him yet? I'll tell him. Yes? Anderson, this is the boss. Yes, I know. You talked to me during working hours. Oh, come now, Anderson. I don't want any monologue with the departure. No, wait, Anderson. I know you've had a tough time. Yeah. Maybe you'd better take a few days off. A few? Whoa, I don't know how you did it. But Anderson, you're solved with Torrance and Thompson from now on. Oh, I never saw such determination. Such tenacity. Hey, what number are you calling? The way you let me get the credit for the order. Such unselfishness. Credit? Oh, well, of course I... Now, you sold me. Yes, sir, why Curtis came rushing into my house with the contract in his hand. Signed it, tossed it on the table, said he couldn't shake you. Well, you see, I chased him to the station. So I saw him talking to the Ajax man there. I have clever stroke. Show's genius. Curtis told me he was doing business with Ajax when you caught him at the station. Wait a minute. Curtis signed with you? No, no, don't get upset. The order is yours, of course. Anderson, I always knew to follow them till they signed. That's great. Oh, where'll I tell Mary? She should be well proud of you. Well, take a week or two off and then drop in and we'll put Torrance in your office and you use his. Good night now, you old world-beater. I don't get this, Oliver. From your conversation... Look, here's what happened. I scared this Curtis so he ran for Thompson's house just like he did before. He wanted to get out of town so bad he signed the order and kept on running. I can hardly believe it. Well, let's not take too much credit. Homer helped. I really think that Oscar's the one who scared him the most. Oh, yeah. I feel kind of guilty about him. Now, Oliver, you don't mean it. He wasn't such a bad fellow, Mom. No, he wasn't Junior. Poor guy. He was just bewildered. You know very well he was trading on being a relative. Oh, no, he wasn't. And you said his head slanted. Well, it wasn't bad from the left side. But that was before you knew he was your relative. Look, Mary, let's not get on relatives now. Uh-oh, here we go again, folks. The Anderson family is written by Howard Swart, directed by Herb Litten, and features Dick Lane as Oliver, Louise Arthur as Mary, Walter Tetley as Junior, and Herbert Rawlinson as Homer. Others in the cast were Paul Theodore as the boss, Doug Young as Cousin Oscar, and Ray Erlenborn as Mr. Curtis. Music by Gordon Kibbey and your announcer is Ken Peters. The Anderson family is a Hollywood broadcaster's production, transcribed from Hollywood.