 So I've been thinking about this title that I shared with you and listen. I want to be frank and con candid with you It's a bit click baity But I mean to say Oftentimes these titles that are written for women to click on them is all centered of what you need to do To change for a man and I get it It's probably frustrating and at the same time I want to be candid with you is that you probably wouldn't have clicked on the video if I wrote just a standard title like Guys are not going to do whatever you want them to do. Okay, so I wanted to lean into this conversation about What really makes a man feel like I hope I don't lose this person and I'll be candid with you much of this content is based Partly on my own relationship and there's a picture of me and my beloved right there But at the same time, I believe that what I'm about to share is centered around human behavior for those that have a Healthy love attachment style for those that have Healthy emotional maturity for those that have relatively good relationship skills And yet the reality is is it then the dating mating or relating realm it is rather messed up when it comes to Meeting your soulmate meeting that person that you click with that you vibe with and I recognize the frustration with that because We are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. That's right We're swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality Primarily when it comes to emotional maturity and particularly in Relationship skills and what I mean by relationship skills those skills that help two people navigate the challenges in life Outside of the attraction piece are are are For thousands of years well for millennia, I should say that is no thousands of years is millennia for hundreds of thousands of years Most mating practice has been based on physical attraction that attraction between two people that we feel like we click with this person We call this chemistry and when we feel that sense of chemistry We get this sense that this person is the right person for us This person is my soulmate when we feel that initial stage of chemistry Now if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg chart and I apologize for the glare I want to show this with you Above the water line is attraction. I was just talking about chemistry at the same time What really makes a relationship work is what's below the water line? It's compatibility. It's shared values blendable lifestyle, and I was just sharing with you emotional maturity And without that level of emotional maturity We could be Experiencing one relationship after another and listen I get it. It's frustrating There are many women out there that are self-centric There are many women out there that are either anxious love attachments or avoidant love attachments, and I'll talk about that more in a moment There's the malignant narcissist. There's the covert incest people are experiencing relationship I mean the list goes on and on of the dysfunctionality of human beings. I Think it's really important to understand that because when we approach the dating process with an expectation that this person that we might be meeting Has the capacity to actually lean into a healthy happy relationship We might be setting up ourselves for failure now I don't mean to be a pessimist either because I I do believe most human beings are good people deep down They're good people for the most part I think there's very few people that are genuinely evil At the same time, I do believe we have a significant Population of men and women alike that are rather dysfunctional and makes it hard to build the deep roots of trust Folks, I want you to think about this for a moment our current dating practice is And for the most part here in the United States if you haven't if a guy hasn't had sex with you by the third or fourth date He's probably out the door Out the door isn't that sad that that would happen that a person would leave if they haven't had physical Intimacy with you and yet the same time they haven't demonstrated any level of trust in the relationship. Maybe they paid for a few dates Maybe they shared their backstory with you But what trust has been built in the early stages and when I think of trust I think of can I count on this person to be there for me? Not just during the good times. Can I count on this person to be there for the bad times? Can I count on this person? To be genuinely loyal to me When it comes to fidelity, can I count on this person to care about my feelings as much as I care about my own feelings? trust As many of you know is not given away per se. It's earned over time And it's sad because if it's not built if you haven't built the deep roots of trust It makes it very difficult to lean into as I always talk about a juicy delicious healthy happy relationship So what makes a relationship thrive? What makes a relationship go deeper than the surface? I want you to think about this for a moment because I know many of you are stuck on the Romantic notion of relationships that a man should just be chivalrous and you can just lean back in your feminine energy And you don't have to do anything and it's just going to magically work out And yet I'm a big proponent of recognizing that the dating process is like a two-lane street two cars traveling at the same speed together of effort and investment effort and investment if you're not familiar with the book I'll grab it over here if the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated what I love about this book is it throws out The traditional gender rhetoric of what should happen and it focuses more on the heart-centered way a relationship could be built heart-centered way Isn't that really what it's all about? What makes a man go? I hope I don't lose her It's he's connected with her heart He's connected with her heart and I know many of you and by the way I recognize the frustration many of you're experiencing because you do give your heart to a man and Yet it oftentimes you also give your power away to a man in other words You're afraid to establish your standard. You're afraid to establish your boundaries Because they're a minute. There's mutual attraction between two people You're pretzeling yourself to try to make the relationship work Now I think this happens because traditionally throughout time Women have been dependent upon men for their survival. So on some level I think we've been conditioned to have this one-up one-down Dynamic where women might be the gatekeepers of the sexual piece and men are the gatekeepers of the commitment piece Isn't that sad? Now that's not always the case, but this is genuinely the case This is why I continually see women afraid to speak their truth in relationship They're afraid to speak up for fear that a man might leave them Folks if you're not familiar with my book and by the way all the books I recommend are In the description below you can check out Jonathan recommend books my first chapter is speak your truth Do it with kindness but later on the book and this isn't a dating or relationship book later on the book I say If it's sincere and from the heart you can't say the wrong thing to the right person I'm talking when you genuinely talk from your heart You know real bonding happens when we're vulnerable when we're authentic when we're transparent when two people are capable of doing that And yet sadly the deepest wound Most people are suffering from is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable Think about that the average person's wound is I'm not good enough I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. This is true of many women alike This is why I'm a big proponent of doing personal development work self-help spiritual work therapy Therapy to dig deep as to what might be causing Our inability to lean into a relationship to and and by the way, this is true of men and women alike Now I know many of you are going well, Jonathan we women do all the work. What about the men? Listen, I went to a personal development workshop called the Hoffman process I want to share this with you for a second. Here's a copy of the book I went to the live retreat A Hoffman process. Do you know there was 39 people there? 20 of them were men and 19 were women Over half were men Men do personal development work men do men may not go to you know, it's interesting You know men go to therapy just like women go to therapy I just want you know that they do go maybe just do women go at a greater percentage I don't know the stats on that But I do know men and women alike are thirsty for that capacity to share their fears To share their anxieties to share their insecurities And yet we men have been so conditioned that if we share these we are perceived as weak We can't show weakness Women can been conditioned in a different way. Sadly women have been conditioned that their whole value is based on looks Isn't that sad and it's perpetuated by magazines cosmo all the you know the the advertising we see Women are objectified based on looks men cannot be vulnerable authentic and transparent because that demonstrates weakness that demonstrates our inability to protect you Not every guy Can can protect you physically most men have never had a fight in their life So if some real real mugger or someone with a gun, we are most likely going to fail So it has nothing to do with our height our capacity to protect you I know many of you feel greater protection when you're with someone that of height, but that's a fallacy At least here in the united states unless someone has had physical training To protect you most of us will fail under a real crisis situation I'm just expressing the way I see the reality of the world I'm not saying any of this is right. I'm here to just draw attention That the real journey of life and I come back to this title Isn't about whether or not the things you need to do to make a man attracted to you these things Aren't necessarily anything you should do. It's what two people should do together to build attraction By the way, I don't like the way my caller looks here Okay But both people should do to develop this attraction to to make it feel like you don't want to lose each other So let me dive into my notes here and I'll share with you what I've written here. By the way, there you go I do want to clean my glasses though for a second and these five things I think are more designed for the healthier Person that person that has good emotional maturity good relationship skills doesn't have to be the Perfect person in the world, but they have good skills in these areas and the first skill Is conflict resolution skills? You know Men and women alike feel frustrated When they're in a relationship with someone where your budding heads when there's a difference of opinion your budding heads You're you're more apt to say I'd rather be right than happy One of the things I appreciate about the relationship. I'm in is when we've had a few bumps in the road We both listen to what each other says We acknowledge what each other says And then we validate that that's true for their perspective. In other words, we don't make the other person out to be wrong Those are skills For a good conflict resolution skills and what I mean to say is be able to navigate conflicts With a bit more ease if you're not familiar with the book Or is it ah I wonder if I well here's an here's a book. I want to recommend if you're not familiar with the book Nonviolent communication by marshal Rosenberg. I'd highly recommend checking this out It helps to teach you how to improve your communication skills in relationship I recommend if you're in a relationship with someone you both should be reading this you should both Be actually engaging in this listen folks If this penis gets to go regularly inside your vagina Then i'm here to encourage that you begin a practice of personal development Self-help spiritual work therapy in your relationship counseling if you will in your relationship right from the very beginning Not necessarily on the first date, but once you have regular intimacy with each other But Jonathan i'm in a long-distance relationship. I can't do that folks long-distance relationships are incredibly problematic because when I talked about trust earlier It takes about a hundred hours of face to face time just to build the first layer of top trust It takes 200 hours of face to face time to build the second layer of trust It takes 300 hours of face to face time to build the third layer of trust It takes 400 face to face hours together to build the fourth and the fifth and the sixth. Can you do you get this? Relationships built over the telephone and face time are very weak are built on a very weak foundation True love is built through social activities hobbies mutual interests spending time with family and friends and integration of your life together and what I mean by true love what I mean is the true attachment and bonding unhealthy people can attach over the telephone I've witnessed this so many times women come to me and say jonathan. I've been in this relationship with the guy We have never met but he's so so attached to me Yeah, it's an unhealthy attachment or an infatuation or maybe some precursor to loss that's happening over the phone and not a real building I'm saying it takes face to face time to build the deep roots of trust And more importantly the capacity for both of you to navigate those difference in relationships with good conflict resolution skills number two Intimate time both physical and emotional intimate time Listen, I recognize ladies a lot of the men you're with are just what one of those what I call pump and dump types You know, they basically have sex with you so they can ejaculate inside of you Okay And those men are very selfish lovers I get it and you might with some of those men you might actually experience an orgasm. I don't know But for the most part if he's a selfish lover, it's rare that you're going to experience real Connection with them because ultimately it's not just the physical intimacy we men crave. It's the emotional intimacy It's that intimacy that we we can feel safe. We can feel vulnerable with you We do feel that sense of trust That's emotional intimacy and if you're not familiar with the book Emotional intimacy by Robert masters. I highly recommend checking this book out Because if you don't understand the mechanics to building emotional intimacy, then many of you are just winging it You're winging it. You're winging it. You're just kind of hoping that magic fairy dust is going to make things work out Now some people just like the broken clock that's right twice a day Some people do get the do experience emotional intimacy The others if they haven't learned what emotional intimacy is they rarely are going to find themselves In experience of in the experience of emotional intimacy So again, this makes them feel like I don't want to lose her when we're getting all this next is shared duties Remember I talked earlier about two cars traveling at the same speed Shared duties in your life acting like your teammates with one another You know with my mom and dad It was my dad was the provider my mom was the homemaker But shared duties just like if you're if you're hosting Thanksgiving dinner that recently happened You know in my world Experience that we took turns in preparing for this relate couples that actually operate as teammates with one another Not the expecting the one Listen, I think it's unfair that men expect things from you and not do it in return But I also believe it's the same with women when you expect things from men and not willing to reciprocate in that same level and When you act as teammates However, that looks for the two of you You start to build those deep roots of trust I talked about earlier number five play Do you know how few folks actually I witness relationships and there's very Very few couples I I that write me complaining about their relationship Play and flirting is missing from the relationship Couples should be constantly playing with one another their little kids should come out I don't mean playing blocks or dolls or things like that or Or video games. I'm talking about your little kid coming out and playing with one another That place that feels safe and flirtation is one of those aspects of play I believe that those couples that continually flirt with one another in a cute playful way Are the ones the men that go and women go I don't want to lose this person and last but not least I mentioned this before is integration of your lives When you can integrate with family friends social activities hobbies mutual interests Those when you can integrate your life together your your work like You're building the deep roots of attachment to a person and I mean healthy attachment to a person And not the unhealthy attachment most people are experiencing today And sadly many of you are in unhealthy relationships. You're attached to a person that's unhealthy And you're not standing in your power. This is why I continually recommend the book ladies If you haven't read this and I don't agree with everything in this book, but this book. Oops, excuse me the wrong one Where is it? Why men love bitches and bitch stands for babe in total control of herself. Yes When you're in your power when you're standing in your power You become incredibly attractive to another human being who is also in their power Men do not like doormats healthy listen controlling men love doormats You know alpha males who are controlling per first submissive women I'm here to encourage you to stand in your power because listen as much as you'd like to have men be the leaders of relationship I'm here to say you are in charge of your relationship destiny You are in charge of your choices Look, I wish I could be there for you as your big brother on a first date with a shotgun pointed that the guy's head saying What's your intentions? See accountability for one's actions Go basically Not unnoticed There's a very little accountability today. So you have to be in charge of your life Setting your standards setting your boundaries And whatever that looks like for you folks my standard for a relationship look like this I wanted to spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends Traveling together teamwork building skills both in our personal and our professional life Intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy that led to either moving in together getting married. Well, that's what happened in my relationship in six months We were intentional Listen, don't expect men to be intentional You should be intentional with your life and then find men who match you Send out that energy That you know your standard and you won't accept anything Less than a person that meets you not exactly meets you in the perfect box because that doesn't exist But at least is meeting you and saying I want to build something with you because without it It's going to be difficult To have that kind of relationship where you feel like I don't want to lose this person Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know I am so grateful for all your questions. I am so grateful for the super stickers super chats You guys are so wonderful. Thank you so much for all the love and support. I just want to remind you that folks Being intentional being your own matchmaker learning how to ask better questions Is a pathway to relationship success Because you can't expect men to know this and yet men who genuinely care about you will take your lead Men who genuinely care about you will take your lead and I think you should start from the very first date Establishing your standards. So you're both on the same page. That's something I teach in my private coaching If you need help with that check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is Right for you as this content resonated with you. Please let me know Please hit that like button. Please share this video with your friends Please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new and check out all the links in the description below All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video. First off Give myself a big gigantic jotha merit of self love. I'm going to reach into the can pit stains I'm going to reach in the stand of a camera and give you a hug of love I'm asking to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear or pillow There's a teddy bear and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love And let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives