 Dear Shan, I know you don't want kids because you have certain fears about the sacrifices you're going to have to make, the infringements they're going to have on the parts of you that you love so much, and the infringements they're going to have on your potential and your ability to focus on yourself and your legacy in this world. And I want to tell you that those fears that you have are 100% valid. They are actually more valid than you think that they are. Young children will consume you in ways that you cannot imagine because you have never done anything this much in your life before, ever, ever, ever. My name is Jay Elizabeth and I have two children and an ex-husband that I received all of them in those titles in the year 2012 and my advice to my younger self is take it slow. Take it as slow as you need to because what's the rush? What is the rush? He moved in prematurely, it was just too much. The advice I would give my past self is to try to be kinder and more respectful to my body. Stop overthinking things and just make it work. Life is going to feel really good for a few years. You're going to land a dream job, you're going to get married, live in a beautiful city, but soon that is all going to change so don't get used to it. You're going to be divorced, you're going to lose that dream job, but just remember to hold on because you're going to smell again. This video is brought to you by, you guessed it, Squarespace. That platform that brings your next big idea to life, whether that be a place to showcase your work, a place to sell your incredible items, a place to sell your expertise, or to share your ideas through a mailing list or with an exclusive community in a member's only space. Squarespace asks you, what do you want to build and how can we make it and your life easier, more bold, more beautiful and more accessible. And if you've got an idea percolating but you're not really quite sure how to bring it to the masses, then try out Squarespace for free. And you can do that with their two-week free trial, no credit cards required, go there, play around, see how easy it is to use their templates to build. And then when you decide people should see this and people should interact with this in a big way, you're going to want to press launch. And before you press launch, go to squarespace.com. Because that's how you get 10% off the purchase of your website or domain. I thought I would still be married with two kids living in my house with our dog. Living the life and that is exactly not where I'm at and I'm okay with that. I think honestly getting a divorce was one of the best decisions I've made of my life. In a note given to your past self, what advice would you give to your present self? Girl, stop crying. You're going to be fine. Things will work out. You'll love again. Do the work that you need to do to heal and grow and develop and all those things you are going to be fine and you're going to love the life that you live in. Been together for 17 years since high school and we've only actually been married for one year now but we have two kids, 11 and nine, two dogs and it's been a crazy journey but I'm loving it. Girl, you did it. You stopped being an overthinker and look where you at. You stuck to your guns and told yourself overthinking is for the birds so congratulations. Dear Shan Boudram, you have always wanted to get married. You have always been fascinated by the idea of them, heavily influenced by soap operas and Disney movies nonetheless and of course your parents who share a beautiful marriage and the fact that you then became a wedding photographer for years and became hyper obsessed with weddings nonetheless you are now married and this is a relational dynamic that you really really really enjoy and in order to get to a space where you are prepared for this here's what I would like to tell you. Did that make sense? This is basically a letter to my younger self. Dear Shan, I know you have this robust list of what you want in a partner because marriage is very important to you and you have thought critically and analytically about what you were looking for in a future long-term life partner and I want you to take that list and I want you to check it twice and I want you to bring it close to your face and a little closer and a little closer so close that you can't see what color eye you wrote down that you want your husband to have and then smash that list in your face, grab it together, shove it in your mouth, swallow it and shit it out because there's another list that I think that you should focus on and this list I think can save you from a lot of heart ache and a lot of misfires when it comes to trying to push marriage in the wrong relationships and that list is a list of what you want out of yourself, what is going to make you fall in love with you, your dream Shan Boudram list, what qualities, what traits, what lifestyle choices, what values, do you really love in yourself or do you really want to see out of yourself write that down and be fully descriptive and then focus every day on that list and try to find romantic partnerships that inspire that version out of you that not just remind you of that version of yourself but push you to a greater potential than what's even on that paper and that is a truth that I know in some cases can seem narcissistic but something I've discussed openly on this channel is that a good love makes you love yourself more and I don't know if it's supposed to work that way and sometimes I feel guilty for it working that way because I want to have that kind of love for myself regardless of what's happening in the world but to be honest being loved by somebody who shows you sides of yourself that you didn't exercise before I am 35 years old married to a wonderful husband and just had our first baby and he is four months old and a piece of advice that I would give myself 10 years ago would be to continue to work and focus on my career continue to um working yourself because all those tools those resources your career is going to be beneficial to you later on right now we're able to provide for care for our son we're able to have those resources available because we've worked so hard when we were younger while I sleep through the night now my kids don't have those chubby cheeks anymore and so they're five and five years old and six years old now and my husband tweeted the other day that it's the fate of every parent to go from rock star to desperate fan with their kids and right now we are in the rock star phase and they want to be in our bed and they want to sit in our laps and they want to hear everything we're saying and it's not always going to be that way and so I try to remind myself of that I'm married for 21 years I have two children a son age 21 and a daughter 15 years old the advice that I would give present me is to listen more and talk less you're going to learn a lot about your partner and your children when you stop talking well considering I was I guess 23 when I got pregnant and 24 when I had my first child I would say it's probably a bit too young not so much in age but in maturity if I had to say Olivia take a look at yourself what have you done in life what do you want to accomplish in life being a mother at 24 I was not ready for it's not about the age it's more about maturity I've seen 18 year olds that are on a mature level to have children make sure that when you do decide to have a baby that you are emotionally physically mentally spiritually ready and lovingly ready to have that child when it comes to having children what advice would I write to myself whom 10 years ago did not want kids and had no interest in a version of me that had children now even though it is going to be an invasion of all things that you love you are going to receive double the joy on the other side of it so yes it is going to be a sacrifice on your work career but in terms of self-development you will grow rapidly in ways you've never imagined and yes they're annoying and they take up a lot but they give so much and joy they give so much in a sense of purpose for you for where you've come to in your life for who you've come to exist with that your truth will be that it is going to be as hard it's going to be harder than you think it will be but it's going to be so much more worth it and so much more rewarding than you could ever possibly conceive and it gets better every single day and that fact blows your mind so I also want to write this to the version of myself who didn't want to have kids if you choose not to have kids I'm happy for you and I'm excited to see what that version of your life looks like and I champion that choice but coming from the version of you who did choose it double click double tap double pat do the right thing it's amazing shout out to everybody who shared on this video and speaking of sharing if you are somebody who is married and has kids and you have a little letter to write that you want other people to learn from the lessons and learn from your lived experiences please write them in the comment section below if you don't have kids and you are not married what letter do you want to write to your future self what aspirational things about marriage and kids if those are aspirations of yours do you want to you know tell yourself to make sure that you keep in mind when that time comes for you and speaking of the time coming it is time to end this video and before we do we have to give a shout out to the sponsor which is Squarespace and Squarespace is a platform that allows you to be the best most profitable beautiful big you it's an all-in-one platform that brings your big ideas to life I utilize Squarespace for the game of desire which is my book that website for shambudram.com my personal website shared entertainment had a Squarespace website and currently I am building one for 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