 I probably realized that I was gay from a really, really young age, and it wasn't like I explicitly thought, okay, I'm definitely gay, I am a homosexual. That wasn't like the thoughts that were going through my head, but as a kid, I knew that I was different, but I didn't necessarily know how to explain that difference. Like, it was just little things that I would notice that was different from my male friend. So, for example, you know, growing up, I think that Barbie looks kind of dope. I want to play with it. You know, little things like that, I would think, you know, maybe it would be cool if I could paint my nails and be a little bit more effeminate, but there was like these closed-off gender roles. So, you know, I kind of felt like I had to choose between being masculine and feminine. So it's like, well, you know, there's Barbies, and I feel like Barbies are dope, and I would love to play with them, but at the same time, I like Transformers and Beast Wars and Hot Wheels. So I'd rather have those than Barbies. So, like, nowadays, people are more fluid in allowing their kids to play with toys and stuff like that. Long story short, I knew that I was gay when I was very, very young, and probably the first thing that I can recall is a conversation that I had with my mom when I was like five years old, and I don't even know if she remembers this, but she said something like, I don't remember the context of the conversation, but she said to me, well, Mike, when you're older and you get a girlfriend and a wife, then you can do this. I'm like paraphrasing, but I remember my response was, but I don't want a girlfriend. I want a boyfriend. And she said, what? Like, it's kind of a strange thing for your five-year-old to say, right? And she probably didn't think much of it. But I said, I don't want a girlfriend. I want a boyfriend. And she said, well, you can't. And I said, why? And she said, because boys are supposed to have girlfriends and girls are supposed to have boyfriends. And then I was like, but why? I don't want a girlfriend. Because I mean, when you're a kid, girls have cooties. So you logically want to have a boyfriend. That was my thought. And her response was, I remember the puzzled look in her face, and I'd be curious to know if she remembers this conversation. But then there was other times when I was in elementary school, like third grade, second grade, maybe, and the other kids were having conversations about their crushes in school. And I remember my friends asking me, like, hey, Mike, Tihi, who do you have a crush on? I have a crush on this person. And I remember thinking, I don't know. I don't know if I have a crush on anybody. And I remember, we were standing in line, leaving recess when we had this conversation. And I remember looking at the boy in front of me in line. And I thought, he's cute. I think I have a crush on him. But then, like, at that young age, I thought, wait a second, that isn't supposed to happen. I hope this doesn't mean I'm gay. Like, I remember explicitly I had this thought in, like, third grade. And then you just kind of like, you put it out of your mind. But you don't really start to notice until you're like around 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 years old. That's where it gets a little bit dark for me, right? Because I knew from a pretty young age that I was gay. And at 14, like maybe 13, my family got really heavily involved in church again. And that happened to coincide with the time that I went through puberty and then started to really realize, okay, all my friends are talking about how much they like girls. And I'm not seeing it yet. I feel different. All these feelings of like, same sex attractions that I thought I might had, they didn't go away. And in fact, they're getting stronger now. And obviously, I was taught that if you were gay, you are going to burn in hell for all of eternity. But that wasn't necessarily an issue for me, because even though I suspected that I might possibly be gay, I was repressing that shit. And part of the thing with me is that I remember one day when I was like 12 years old, we were watching VHS tapes. And there was a video of me, I think I was like nine years old dancing the Spice Girls. I mean, at that moment, I realized, oh my God, I look super gay. I look really, really gay. And that was when I started to go through puberty. And so like reflecting on my younger self, I thought, okay, I don't know if I'm gay. I hope I'm not gay. But that is very effeminate looking. And I've got a change. So that's when, you know, my personality and my demeanor started to change as I went through puberty. Not only did I repress my feelings of same sex attractions, but I also got very vocally homophobic. Because that was a way that I thought other people would think, oh, he's definitely not gay. And I remember like when I was like 15, 16 years old, my sister told me, look, we all thought that you were going to be gay growing up because you you were very fabulous, you know, for lack of a better word, you acted very effeminate, you used to dance to the Spice Girls, you would play with Barbies from time to time. So you know, I'm shocked that you're not gay actually. I thought, oh good, nobody knows, nobody knows. But you know, it's not so simple. Like I'm explaining this in a way that makes it seem as if I knew I was gay, and I just was choosing not to tell you one. At this point, I genuinely, I wasn't sure. Like I didn't really know. I was like 13, 14. But as I grew older, each year, I learned more and more about myself. And I started to realize, okay, something's definitely up. Like something's wrong here. Like, all my friends are starting to be interested in girls. I'm not. I don't find girls attractive at all. In fact, I think a lot of boys are cute. And this is bad. So I remember telling myself, well, look, not only would I not be accepted if I if I came out of the closet, but I would also go to hell. And gay people, they're diseased and they die. Like these are all the thoughts that were running through my head. So I thought to myself, here's the thing, I have no incentive to come out. And repressing it is preferable to actually living as a gay person and dying and being rejected by my family. So at that point, I think I was like 13 or 14 years old. I basically made a suicide pact with myself. And this was my way of like, an insurance program. So that way, if I wasn't afraid of hell, and if for whatever reason, I became an atheist down the road, not that I anticipated that, but it was an extra layer of fear to scare myself straight quite literally. And I wasn't necessarily intent on following through with it. But the thinking was that I would force myself to commit suicide if I ever chose to live as a gay person, because that would be preferable to actually being out. It would hurt my family too much. Most of my family members are homophobic. So that was kind of a promise that I made to myself, okay, we'll repress it as long as we possibly can, we'll try to change. But if it ever gets to a point where you're going to come out, end it. That was my thinking. Now, growing up, when I finally got access to the internet, my family was very poor. So I didn't actually have a computer until I was 17 years old. So the very first night when I had privacy at 17, the first thing that I looked up was gay conversion therapy. I knew that this wasn't going to go away. I prayed every single day, right? I got baptized, I tried to be, you know, straight acting and masculine. And, you know, living in Portland, there isn't any clinics there. So I saw one, I think it was Washington State or California, like it was far away. And I thought, Oh my God, the situation is hopeless. First of all, I couldn't afford conversion therapy. And the clinic that I found, there'd be no way for me to discreetly go there. It's like, what would I tell them? Like at 17 years old, at that point, I had a job. What would I tell my family that I'm just going to summer camp? It was awkward. So it's like, I tried to look for like online gay conversion therapy. And there was just, there was nothing. So I tried so hard to fight it. And I started to try to date girls. And that didn't work as well, because, you know, I'm basically a six on the Kinsey scale. And I don't have an, like I exclusively am attracted to men. So I remember, and I feel so bad about this to this day, the first kiss that I had with a girl, she later told me that she went home and she cried herself to sleep because she sensed how repulsed I was. Like she thought, Oh my God, he thinks I'm ugly. He's grossed out by me. I must be not worthy. And I feel so bad because that's not the case. That's not her. It was me. And of course, you know, growing up now, we know about this, she knows, but at the time I thought, Oh my God, I feel so bad because she thinks that she's ugly because of me. But really, I just, I'm not attracted to girls. And that was kind of a really pivotal moment for me, because then I realized, it's not, it's just not going to work. I can't fake it. Like I think some gays can fake it to make it. Like you see individuals like Ted Haggard and others try to like live as straight men and then come out later. It just, it wasn't working for me. It was, it was seemingly impossible. So then I thought, okay, what am I going to do? There's this suicide pact. My family is very conservative. And at that point, I kind of got more educated. I didn't necessarily think that being gay meant that you automatically had AIDS, right? So I learned more about that. And I was less, you know, scientifically illiterate. So I thought, so what am I going to do? We're at a crossroads now. Shit's not going away. I'm an adult almost. And I don't really want to kill myself. So I just kind of like postponed my suicide pact. And I never attempted it. And I never really had the intent to. But again, it was kind of like a way of scaring myself straight. So, you know, years past. And finally, at the age of 22 years old, that's when I thought, you know what? Fuck it. I've been trying so hard to not be gay. And it's literally not working. Every single thing that I do has failed. And you want to know the weirdest thing ever is that the thing that actually clarified it all for me was comedian Carlos Mencia. Now, this is strange as hell. I don't know if any of you remember his show, Might of Mencia. So I don't remember what the segment was about. But he did this little song. And he's saying, if you think you might be gay, then you're gay. And I remember laughing at that. And I thought, oh, shit, wait, I'm this whole time I've been thinking, am I gay? And then I think, no, I'm not because like I'd also get really contradictory information because I would, I'd like go on these forums, Christian forums, and there was like specific sections for same sex attractions. And people would say, yeah, it's normal. You know, I'm straight. I have a wife now, but I had, you know, had some attractions to men. So there was part of me that was a little bit confused thinking, okay, same sex attractions. It's somewhat normal for straight men. It's not. But basically that song from Carlos Mencia was like that, that clarifying moment for me. It was like, is it really that simple? And it was. So I thought, here's the thing. These are the facts of the situation. I'm gay. It's not going away. And I don't want to kill myself. What am I going to kill myself for to appease everyone else in my family? I kind of deserve to be happy. I'm 22 years old. I want to date. And I'm done. So I finally realized I was gay. And at that point in time, I chose to accept myself. And it felt really good. It was like this light bulb moment where it was like, everything up until that point was so confusing. And like all of my memories were like, clouded. But at that point, when I actually accepted it, it was like, every single thing about my life makes sense. And for the first time, I actually felt happy to live like, there was this fear of, Oh my God, you know, I can't come out. I don't want to kill myself. But it's like, why on earth would I even contemplate that? And it was because I was a scared child who believed all these terrible things. At that point, that's where we get to the actual decision to come out. At first, it was like, okay, I'm gay. I'm never telling a single fucking person. No way. Like my dad is homophobic as fuck, not going to tell anyone. And then like a month later, I'm like, I have to tell everyone like immediately like, it's like, my emotions were like so out of whack because it's like, it felt like I won the lottery. Like when I finally realized I was gay, like that was the feeling where it's like, Oh my God, this is, this is crazy. So like, by the time I admitted to myself, I was gay, I think I came out like three weeks later to the first person, which was my friend. And I played on the easiest difficulty at first. I came out to my friend and coworker who was a lesbian. And I thought, okay, this is the easiest one. This is just like getting my feet wet. I'm dipping my toes in the water. This lesbian is not going to turn me down. But then it's like, wait a second. What if she does though? What if she, as a lesbian actually, you know, what if she doesn't think that I as an individual should be gay, but she's accepting of gay people more generally speaking. So you have all these doubts in your head. And it's so irrational to think that I would like be gay shamed by someone who was in the same sex relationship. But I mean, it was new to me. And I was, I was really afraid. Like the thought of like at that point in time when I told that first person, the thought of coming out like two months earlier never crossed my mind, not a single time. So I, you know, I told her and I was like shaking. My heart was like beating out of my chest. I honestly almost chickened out. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Like I was trying to convince myself not to tell her because I thought, what if I literally have a heart attack? Like it was so stressful. But I told her and I mean, of course she was great. We're still friends till this day. You know, she knew exactly what to say to me. She asked questions like, when did you know? I mean, this is great. So it was like the perfect first person to come out to. After that, the next person, I'm like, okay, I told the easiest person to tell where it's basically like 99% chance that I'm going to get accepted. Now we have to play it a little bit more difficult. So then I decided the next person that I would tell would be my mom. Now my mom was a wild card. I didn't necessarily know like I ended up finding out that like as a kid, some of her friends were lesbians. But then again, my mom would sometimes say things that were homophobic, but not really like she didn't really seem to have a strong opinion. My dad is the one who had a very strong opinion. But I'm like, should I tell my mom? Because if I tell my mom, that's like the true test. Like once I tell my mom, there's no going back. That's it. So it's really scary in the sense that like this is my life going forward forever. And there's nothing that I can do to put the cat back in the bag after the cat's out of the bag. So what do I do? So what I did was I bought a DVD called For the Bible Tells Me So and I made both of my parents watch it. And it was basically the religious justification for accepting homosexuality. And I thought maybe this documentary will kind of educate them. And at that time, they knew that I was opening up a little bit more. I was becoming more open minded, less religious, a little bit more liberal. So you know, I was thinking that they wouldn't necessarily think that I was gay for making them watch this documentary about gay people. But I thought they'd think he's just trying to push this liberal bullshit on me. So anyways, I make both of them watch the documentary. Me and my dad got into a giant debate after it because he just stubborn he wouldn't he wouldn't accept it. So then afterwards, when my dad went to bed me and my mom stayed up talking and I'm like, why are you like why are you confused? And she said, look, I get this, I think that the documentary made good points. But I don't have to worry about this because I don't know anyone who's gay. I don't have a gay child. And then at that point, I'm like, time froze. It was like, oh my god, this is the window right here. And so like, I kid you not, I was like my voice was trembling because that's the perfect opportunity to say you kind of do. I was like literally like trembling like this. I kid you not, my heart was racing so fast that you could probably hear it in my voice. And finally I said, you do. And then she just pauses. It's like the entire world stood still. And she said, what? And I said, you do have a gay kid. Me. And she said, shut up. And she just started laughing. And I'm like, what? What do you do? She's like, you're joking. And I'm like, no, I'm not joking. And it's not like out of the question to think that I was joking because I joke about stupid things like this all the time. Like remember when I put out the video, my big announcement when I was joining Meens TV, and I said, I'm quitting. Like I do stupid things like this. So my mom thought, he's just like fucking with me. He's trolling me. So she's just laughing. She's like, okay, go to bed, Michael. And I'm like, okay. And I'm just laughing with her. I'm like, and I'm like, my heart's about to like jump out of my chest. I'm about to shit myself. And I'm like, no, but seriously, like I'm actually gay. And she's like, really? She's like, I don't, I don't know. I don't believe you. And she just sat back. And I remember her like, like, you could see like the cogs above her head. She just like, I remember she like even put her hand like on her chin like this. And she thought she just said, okay. And I'm like, okay. What does that mean? Okay, what? And she's like, okay. And I'm like, by the way, when this is all happening, I'm describing this like casually, but low key. I'm about to like have a heart attack and faint as this is happening. So she's like, okay, you're my son. If you are gay and you're not joking, then I still love you. It's a little bit strange for me. I'll have to adjust, but you know, it's fine. And I thought, oh my God, like what? And then we ended up talking for like an hour. And my mom was like, so like after just a little bit of time, she opened up. She's like, look, I had gay friends in school. I used to paint my gay friends nails. It's okay. I still love you and accept you. And I'm like, what? Hang on a second. You're accepting because like this was inconceivable to me. It's like, no, no, no. This was part of the reason why I thought I had to kill myself because not a single person in my family would accept me. But I'm almost like cool with it. So it's like, holy shit. The one thing that my mom needed convincing with was telling other people because she was fearful about my safety. She thought, look, you can't, you can't come out while you're living with us. You can't tell dad. Do you have to tell everyone? And I explained, I have to tell everyone. I can't like I made a decision. I've got to tell everyone. So then it's like, okay, one by one, I start telling more and more people. I tell one of my sisters, perfectly fine with it. And I was worried because, you know, she had a kid. It was my nephew. And I was afraid like all these stereotypes about gay people was really like embedded in my head. So I thought that she would be fearful that I was like a pedophile because that's like the stereotype about gay men, right? And I'm like, so like, it's okay. Like you don't think I'm a pedophile or a pervert. She's like, no, I think you're probably fucking with me. But if you're telling the truth, I'm cool with it. So it's like, each time I told someone, it got easier and easier. And I started to build up the confidence, but there was never like a really easy, you know, coming out. It's always the shakiness, the racy heart, the feeling of 50% chance I might faint. So then it was like, okay, how do I tell my dad? My dad is like expert difficulty. Like my dad always told me gay people are absolutely disgusting. My cousin came out as gay, and he didn't want anything to do with him. My dad was the worst. And I thought, here's the thing, we're going to roll the fucking dice right now. It's not a good safe environment to come out. I was living with my parents, and I was afraid that I would be kicked out. My dad really was the final boss. I was afraid I would be kicked out if I told my dad. But I thought, you know what, fuck it. So I made all the prep. I talked to my friends to see if I'd have a couch to crash on. And then I worked up the courage to come out to my dad. And then I didn't the day that I was going to do it. He was sitting on the couch. I was sitting next to him. And then like, I don't know if there was a window of opportunity. He was watching TV and I'm just sitting there. And I think he might have commented because I was like sweating profusely. My face was pale, like white, like a ghost. I actually thought I was like going to faint. And so I just, I couldn't do it. So what I did was the next best thing. I outsourced that shit. And what I mean by that is I told my mom, listen, this one's on you. I can't do it. I can't come out to dad. So you have to come out to him for me. So my mom actually was like, oh my god, are you serious? Okay, I guess I'll do it then. She's like, I'm not gay. So I guess this'll be kind of what it's like to come out. So my mom agreed to come out to my dad. And it's so funny because the day that she was going to do it, she was, she had all the same feelings that I felt. She was really nervous. She felt nauseous. She couldn't eat. So basically, I, I'm like, okay, when you tell him, I'm going to be gone all day. So I was gone all day, wondering if she actually did it, hoping that she wouldn't chicken out like I did. And I fully expected to come home, seeing all of my shit packed out on the front porch. But I pull up and I'm gone like all day. Like I leave early in the morning and I don't come back until like it's late at night. And I'm like, okay, first good sign. My shit is not on the front porch. So I guess we're okay. Then I open the door. I look around and my dad's sitting right there on the couch and I'm like, like I'm like not breathing. So I just walked right past him. Don't make eye contact at all. Just looking at him from like the side of my eyes. And I go into the kitchen with my mom and I just look at her and she looks at me and I'm like, did you do it? Did you tell him? And she goes, yeah. And I'm like, what? She's like, I did it. And I'm like, what do you say? And she says, he was fine with it. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. Shut up. So I go in there. I sit down. I'm like, so mom told you and he's like, yeah. And then I'm like, so you know, he's like, yeah. I'm like, and I'm still in disbelief. I'm like, you know that I'm gay. And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, so what are your thoughts? And he says, I love you. I accept it, but I don't want to see anything. And I thought, I'll take it. I'll take that. Fuck yeah. Like I was afraid I was going to be kicked out. Like I was convinced that I was going to be kicked out. That's why I made all the preparations. But the final boss was just slayed easily. And you know, over time, like a couple of days later, he didn't say anything until a couple of days later, I should say. And then he asked my mom. He's like, what about AIDS? Is he going to get AIDS? Because all these things that I believed in part that he kind of drilled into my head, he also believed. So you know, there was this association with like gay people and all of them have AIDS. I mean, these are boomers who grew up during the AIDS crisis. So I was like, why don't want them to get AIDS? I don't want them to be, you know, unsafe. And so it was just like my mom then told me that. So she's like, listen, he hasn't said anything, but that's a sign that he's thinking about it. And you have to give him time. So then it's like, all right, now I got the final boss out of the way. Now it's just all the sub bosses, the ones who don't matter as much. My siblings, you know, I mean, they matter, of course, but like, dad and mom, that's number one. Dad has all the power. He can kick me out. Mom, you know, she accepts it. So this is great. So then I start getting a little bit more open, like I kind of put the coming out process on pause a little bit. And then I just kind of just live my life. I've started to volunteer for the human rights campaign, when they were doing their repeal of don't ask, don't tell campaign, which I don't like that organization now. But I was I was doing canvassing for them. And then I, you know, I told someone in my family that that's what I was doing. And then they started to kind of debate me about that. Like, what are you, why are you doing canvassing for gay, like for a gay cause? That's stupid. We don't know anyone who's gay. Why do you care about this? And so now it's a little bit more tricky because there's other people, a couple of my nieces and nephews, they knew I told them, you know, my mom, and then my dad. So they're watching me have this conversation and the eyeballs are just like right there, like, this is, this is interesting. So basically, we start to get into an actual debate and an argument. And right there, I have a lot more confidence because I told a couple of people. But I was a little bit, I bit off more than I can chew. And I was very argumentative, a little bit too cocky. And then the question came up again, why do you care about this? All the arguments you're making, why do you give a shit? And then like word vomit came out, because I'm gay, I'm fighting for my future. And then it was like, it was like, I set off a nuclear bomb. So immediately, this person broke down into tears, and I won't name this person because I don't want to shame this person, broke down into tears, screamed. And I tried to reason with this individual. And I tried to explain, look, I know that like we're arguing right now, I know that this is kind of like sudden and weird. And I'm kind of being an asshole to you. And that's really uncool. But this really is like, I'm being serious. I'm not trolling. Like I had this suicide pact with myself that I voided so I could live and be happy. And I told you because I care about you, nothing, inconsolable, unreasonable. So this person left. And then basically, I was told that that night, this individual said, I really just wish that he killed himself. It would have been easier to accept his death than his homosexuality. And that like, oof, that fucked with my head. But now like in hindsight, I know that that was just something that this individual said at the spur of the moment. But at the time it was like, I'm getting all my confidence. And it's like, oh, that, that's like, oh, that fucked me, that fucked me hard in the head. And so this was going to be tough. It's like, okay, this is really the first hurdle, like this has been way too flawless. It's been too good to be true. This is the first hurdle. And then my mom starts getting calls. One of my siblings calls, is Michael gay? What? Wait, hang on, how do you know? It's like, hang on, then my, my uncle calls who lives in Hawaii, haven't talked to them. Hey, I heard about Michael. And I'm like, wait, wait. So like, everything is like, it's like, you see this train wreck in front of your eyes. And then I realized I was outed to every single person by this individual. And we're talking every single person, people who I wasn't comfortable coming out to, parents of childhood friends who I hadn't talked to in years knew, people that I went to church with as a kid knew, people who I hadn't talked to, people who I lost contact with, every single person knew to where basically it was process of elimination. And I was trying to find out, wait a second, who doesn't know? So the one person that I think didn't know was my big brother. So my mom called and she's like, look, I'm sure that you already know about Michael. So I'm just going to tell you, get it out of the way. And I wanted my mom to call. And so he's like, what do you mean? What's wrong with Michael? Is he okay? And this was my big brother who, he was, he would be cool with it. At that point, I wasn't worried about him. But we were just trying to figure out who, who said what. And then the intimidation started. So people who I was outed to, then, you know, started calling my mom and my dad. And this is where my dad really built up a defense for me because it went from being, oh, my son might be gay to leave my son the fuck alone. He's gay and I love him. So even though it was really difficult to deal with, it was really important for my dad, like in his development and acceptance to where I was like, no, now I'm, I'm not fighting my kid. I'm fighting for my kid. And then my parents were harassed by some individuals. Why would you accept this? You're just going to let them be gay? What? I mean, I was 22. So what are you going to do? You know, but it's like, kick them the fuck out. Tell them to hit the road. It was so many things. And remember that feeling that I told you that like, when I told one person like my heart was racing, and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, we'll take that and then like amplify it by like a million times because now I'm thinking, oh my God, this is now out of my control. Like coming out to me was a bit of a controlled demolition. You know, I'd set one building's explosives off and then another one and I see what's happening. But now it's like I was lost. There was like this fog of war. And it was, it was difficult because like when I had my mom tell someone for me, she was an advocate for me. Like she was representing my interests. But when I was outed to someone, then it's like this person is not looking out for my interests. This person is rallying people against me. And that's really, really tough. That's hard to deal with. And so I'm not like, I saw a car pull up by my mom's house and an individual just sitting there. And I don't know who I think it was the person who I told who outed me. And I thought, what's going on? Like, are they going to, they're not coming in? Are they going to talk? Are they going to hurt me? And then I left. And then somebody else related to me showed up and basically bullied my mom, calling her a terrible person for accepting me. It was really, really tough. And basically there was like this week period where I felt like I was in a daze. Like I still can't describe it. I still haven't like really dealt with it. It was like, I was going through like this tunnel. And it was so overwhelming for me mentally that like, I kind of felt like I should be having a mental breakdown, but I wasn't at that time. So I just kept going through the motions, going to work, going to school. And come to find out, there's this thing called panic disorder. And people who are predisposed to have it, they kind of get it based on a trigger. So if they have a traumatic experience, then it can manifest itself at that stage. So one day I'm driving home from school and all of a sudden I start hyperventilating just like, and this was when like, I was like, this was in that period. And I was in a constant state of stress. I was always a little bit uneasy. I was always a little bit shaky even. And I was doing a lot like I was working, going to school. So I didn't have time to really like stop. But I was just like, I constantly felt like something in my stomach, like a brick in my stomach. I felt nauseous. I wasn't really eating. Like it was just a lot to deal with. And then one day on the way home from school, I just lost it. Driving home, I had a panic attack, started hyperventilating, thought I was going to crash and die. I actually thought now that I know it's a panic attack, you know, it's, I know what it was. But back then I actually thought I was having a heart attack. And so that's why I broke down when I went home because I thought, oh my god, this gave me a heart attack. This shit gave me a fucking heart attack. And it wasn't worth it. I think that coming out wasn't worth it now. Sure, it was great for a little bit. But maybe it wasn't worth it if I'm literally getting a heart attack now at 22. But a little bit of time passed. And I talked to the person who added me. And it was awkward. But basically what we agreed to was a ceasefire, right? A ceasefire where it's like, I'm not going to say anything about me being gay. You don't say anything homophobic will just like exist simultaneously. We'll be around each other and that's that's it. And things kind of come down on that front. But now all of a sudden I'm dealing with panic attacks every single day. Since I had a panic attack in the car, every time I got into the car, immediately stress, panic, hyperventilation, and that essentially like ruled my life for the next year, where I thought I was going to have to drop out of school. I was really close to graduating. I was going to have to quit my job. And thankfully, things got a little bit better. The panic attacks became more manageable. I got on a medication that stops panic attacks or at least reduces them. Then tensions kind of flare up again. I got into an argument with the person that outed me because I'm a little bit too gay. Like, you know, I'm not holding it in. I'm not the ceasefire was broken and it was broken by me not necessarily deliberately, but just casually. And it, you know, tensions flared up. So at that point, I had no choice. I had to move out of my parents house as soon as I possibly could. I was going to sleep on like my friend's couch, but thankfully I was able to get an apartment somehow, use my school loans to put down the down payment or first and last month basically. And I got out. So I got away. And then once I moved out, then I kind of managed everything again, you know, things started to come down a little bit. And then eventually I made up with that person. And it took a long time, but that person has actually come around like years and years down the line. Now, the reason why I wanted to share this is because before I came out, I probably watched like no kidding a dozen or two dozen videos of people coming out. So like their experiences was really important. It kind of shaped my coming out experience and how I would come out myself. There's something that I know now that I wish I knew back then. And that's power dynamics are temporary. They'll change eventually. So even if you're in this position where it feels like people have to accept you for you to live currently in order to stay at your house or work at your job, that's going to change eventually. It felt like I was kind of groveling to people at their feet, please accept me, please accept me. And that's really frustrating for young gay people because it feels like you shouldn't have to beg for them to accept your humanity. But what I learned and what I really, really wish somebody told me back then was that all of this is temporary. It's going to change. Eventually the power dynamic is going to change. It's going to shift. And there's going to come a time when all the people who you felt you had to beg to accept you, they're going to be begging you to accept them and you're going to have all of the power and you might reject them one day if they say something that you don't like or if they don't accept you 100%. Eventually they'll want to be a part of your life and they'll acknowledge that you coming out to them was really, really nice of you because in actuality, when you're coming out to someone, that's an invitation to let this person know who you are and that's really special and they don't realize that at first. But there will come a time where that's going to change and they're going to be begging for your forgiveness and acceptance. And I know that because it happened to me. The person who outed me isolated from my life for a very long time and this person eventually, this is someone who's very close to me related so I won't say who it is, but this person who once outed me to everyone who said that it would have been better if I killed myself is now begging to let me be a part of their life or for them to be a part of my life. And that was something that I didn't think was possible. And eventually it feels like all of the people, like my aunties, my cousins who were not necessarily like against me, but skeptical of me. Now I feel like they're the ones who have to ask me to accept them if they're homophobic. And here's the thing, I don't, I reject it. So long story short, you're going to grow up one day if you're a young gay or trans person and all the people who rejected you, once you're an adult, you're going to be in their position. The roles will reverse and you're going to be at a position to reject them if they don't accept you. And we're not talking about like, oh, they accept you, they love the sin, but hate the sinner. They love you, but not who you've become. No, if they don't accept you unequivocally, you eventually will be in a safe enough position to where you can kick them to the curb and they feel the pressure to accept you. Had I known about this, then it would have changed a lot, right? All the feelings of fear that I felt when I came out, it would have, it would have still been there to be honest. But knowing that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel was really important. And so I came out and then later on, there was the It Gets Better campaign by the Trevor Project. And that was really important. And this is why I focus so much like on LGBTQ youth. And if you donate to a gay charity, make it to an LGBTQ youth center, because I didn't know that these were things that existed. I didn't know about the It Gets Better thing. I just thought, once you come out, that's it. Whatever you do then, that's going to be permanent. So if people reject you, that's permanent. But that changes. So yeah, I think that that is basically my coming out story in a nutshell. Unfortunately, you know, I still struggle with the panic attacks that I developed during this process. And for a really long time, I kind of held my panic attacks against the person who outed me like I blamed them for it. And I thought, man, if they never outed me, if I could just control my own process, then I wouldn't have been so stressed out to get to the point where I felt like I was having a heart attack and then a panic attack. But actually, I let that go too, because my husband made a really good point to me. He said, look, I think that you have to acknowledge that there's a lot of other people in your family that also have panic attacks, albeit, you know, different triggers for it. And you probably would have gotten it from something else had it not been for this person. And once I kind of came to that realization, my hatred started to slowly but surely dissipate. So, yeah, it's, you know, here's the thing. What I will say parting words for young people is if you're going to come out, you know, understand that this is such a huge thing. And look at selling coming out as a celebration. It's not a situation where you're begging people. I mean, it feels like that right? It feels like you're just desperate to make people accept you. It feels like, you know, you're you're kissing their feet. But that's not what this is. This is actually a celebration. And this is a time of your life that is incredible, that is going to shape who you are. And even if it's a negative experience, and it doesn't go the way that you plan, it's still like what you learn from this. And the amount of knowledge and strength that you gain, it is absolutely like, you know, you can never, you can never make that up. So that's my story.