 Sometimes, Sai feels unlovable. He feels like he'll never be lovable because that's just how it is. He has an empty feeling inside, especially when he doesn't feel loved by the person who he needs it from the most. Do you ever feel this way? If you do, it's okay to have those feelings, but feelings aren't facts. In psychologist Dr. Amy Marshall wants you to know no human is inherently unlovable, so you don't have to ever accept this feeling. But this feeling is valid and very real for you and for many others, and we want to help you understand why. Because by understanding the psychological root cause of why you feel unlovable, you can begin to heal and experience love. An early defining moment. According to the psychology group Harley Therapy, childhood trauma is a leading cause of adults feeling unlovable. And research in neuroscience and attachment theory supports this view. Therapist Linda Graham explains that you are born into this world wired to need connection. All babies need somebody for their survival, but if that need is met with dismissal, indifference, or denial, that instinctual need to reach out is replaced with a feeling of rejection and confusion, making that baby or young child disengage and withdraw. Essentially, you may have learned to fear wanting or needing someone, and if these experiences happen often enough in your childhood, the emotional meaning center in your brain begins to encode a memory that reaching out and needing connection equals pain. This becomes an unconscious memory that can distort your perceptions and make you believe that no one can love you, explains Linda. Rejection and abuse. When was the first time you thought you were unlovable? Was it because you told yourself that or was it because someone else told you through their words or actions and you believed them? When Psy thinks back, he's confronted with memories of friends abandoning him, teachers believing he wouldn't amount to anything and mocking laughter from his first crush. Psy learned he wasn't alone when reading a post from the counseling blog on Tumblr, and that people in abusive relationships and survivors of trauma can feel unworthy of love. Psychologist Dr. Amy Marshall explains that abusers might tell their victims that they don't deserve better treatment, that they're unworthy of love, or that no one else will want them or treat them better. Shame. Shame can make you feel like you don't deserve love because of a mistake you've made and regret. But there's also the shame that can come from something you didn't do, the feeling that who you are is a burden. For example, sometimes the people who raised us have such high standards that you feel like you're only lovable if you perfectly meet these standards all the time. Have your parents ever said something like, the Smith's son just got into Harvard, aren't his parents so lucky? It's this type of language that can make you feel unworthy, explains better help. Not only that, but if you don't fit within your family's cultural expectations, it can understandably make you feel inadequate. Or if you live with a mental or physical illness, you might feel like a burden to your family because of the extra support you need. How to Heal Professor of Psychology at the State University of New York says that studies confirm that love is one of the basic human needs, along with having food, shelter, and water. No baby born on this earth is undeserving of that basic human need. And that includes you. You are born deserving of love and who you are today deserves love too, no matter what you've been through. If you've been taught that you're unworthy of love, that's just not true. And with the help of therapy and new loving relationships, you can rewire your brain. And those painful memories will be replaced with new neural connections of love and acceptance. As therapist Linda Graham says, with healing, love and acceptance becomes the response. And shame becomes the back country road. You don't have to go down anymore. Did you find this video helpful? If you did, please let us know in the comments. And if you think this video could help someone else, please do share it with them. We'll see you again real soon. And in the meantime, remember, we love you.