 convention and we have a very special guest an awesome guy that I've come to know in the past few months I just moved to Austin I've had some amazing exchanges with him but also he is somebody that has in the social dynamics industry some that is very rare near a 100% success rate that means everybody he's worked with man is you know 100% guarantee for success also he is the speaker that is spoken to the 21 convention five times and has the number one a million views to his speech from Austin 2012 this is Nick Sparks thank you Steve for that warm introduction and big thank you to Anthony just for for having me back for hosting this amazing convention it's speaking a lot of these things and it really is you know it's it's rare to find this amazing collection of speakers this great message that's being put out there and I definitely feel very fortunate to be here so thank you the title of my speech this year how to get sexual like a man and this is a topic that's very very near and dear to my heart for a number of reasons after my last speech on this stage it's all about conversation the number one question I received from people is Nick saw your video saw your speech and having amazing conversations I'm really connecting with people in a way that I haven't done before but a lot of times my interactions with women with women that I like that I'm attracted to they're still going into a more friendly category they're still not really viewing me as a sexual person right and this is something that I can relate to as well as anyone growing up I was painfully awkward painfully nerdy I mean when I went out for the football team which pretty much everyone made fun of me for and wondered what the heck I was doing you know my my football coach used to say I couldn't walk and shoot gum at the same time had these huge glasses acne all over I hadn't filled out into my height which had jumped up pretty rapidly in those years in fact one girl someone who I'd known since preschool she even said to me Nick we're in the hallways and it's a hey how's it going said Nick can you please not talk to me I don't want to be seen with you all right I'm sure we can all kind of relate if you've had a similarly nerdy background in one way shape or form or another and then the work that I've done in the coaching that I've done still the number one thing that I've heard from guys is people just don't view me as a a sexual being girls will like me as a friend but nobody seems to like me as a romantic partner and that can hurt that can make you question your value as a person as a human being because I mean love romance it's something that we all desire it's something that's kind of born in us and programmed in us and to not be able to express that to not be able to feel that kind of hits you right down at the core one guy in particular really stood out to me his name is Tony amazing guy the thing is Tony happened to be in a wheelchair and remember before he worked before I worked with him Tony said to me you know Nick you know with with this chair I just don't feel like a woman could ever view me as a sexual being I really don't feel like there's any hope for me to find romantic success I mean that stuff gets to you how can it not and so this is a topic that it really kind of it hits me right here it really kind of gets me right in the fields as they say still always nervous doesn't get any easier we shouldn't be that surprised that so many people have so much trouble with this area in our society in our culture we don't really get that much formal education on how to express your sexuality right I mean we know how to be romantic light some candles I give flowers but it's really not going to attract someone that's not already attracted to you my father when educating me on sex and sexuality his advice basically came down to three words use a condom never really explained how to get to the point where that condom would be necessary but I think this kind of reflects the experience of a lot of people both because the generation before us really didn't have any solid education on how that's done so what do we do we turn to movies we turn to TV and what do we get from that what's the message well sometimes there's the awkward nerdy guy that basically annoys the girl until he spends enough time with her that she slowly sees how amazing she is and falls in love with him we all know that that doesn't actually happen in real life right you've got the guy that's super witty and super funny and telling all these jokes and the girl is just you know overwhelmed by his adorableness and both these situations she always seems to make the first move I look at any guy movies that we love growing up and she's always like so you're gonna ask me on a date so you're gonna kiss me or what never happens right Billy Madison I was convinced that she was gonna be like some woman would be like so you've got your teacher alone in your tent what do you want to do now Billy Madison like it never happens in real life and then the other model that we had where the movies aim more towards women where there was just kind of this swab super confident guy that just you know looks at the woman and she magically just melts and they just you know go after each other like crazy but I mean I was a guy who couldn't even walk and shoot gum at the same time I knew I couldn't be that guy so I had to try to be the funny goofy it really doesn't work out that way even all the way until my earlier years of college there was a my the first woman that I really dated for a while and she treated me terribly I mean you know talking down to me even though I tried to do everything to make her happy you know fairly emotionally abusive to the point where my friends had to sit me down and said you know Nick what are you doing with this girl she treats you awfully you have to stop this but I was just so happy to have a woman that that showed me some sort of interest actually that I didn't care I went along with it so yeah this is definitely something that really hits home for me this is definitely something an issue that's very personal to me so I made it kind of a mission to figure out well what is some good education on this subject what is something that I can give to guys no matter who they are no matter what situation they'll be in where they can learn to develop this part of themselves where they can learn to find that success and that's what this speech is all about so don't want to be the funny goofy guy that doesn't work don't want to be the annoying guy that slowly grows on her that obviously doesn't work so how can you be that guy from the female centered movies that women seem to go crazy over what's that secret how does it work well the secret here really let's slow down a little bit before we get to the secret the foundation right the foundation of all this the foundation of getting sexual is that there there's nothing to to be done actively the the big kind of mistake the big flaw that's in a lot of the teaching that we get about this and just the way that we think about doing this sort of thing in our culture is that it has to be something active we have to do something we have to say something and that's going to be what's going to get this attraction going that's not it at all in fact that's the opposite and the more you do that the more you'll actually be hurting yourself the more you'll actually be sabotaging any efforts that you have just like I talk about in conversation the foundation of all of this the foundation of getting sexual starts with what I like to call cultivating space being present with someone else just like in conversation just like when you go approach someone for the first time if you're in your head you're racing around what do I think what do I do what do I say the only thing you're going to be conveying to that other person is nervousness anxiety definitely not attractive you can all agree on that so the first thing that you have to do is you have to learn to simply be present simply listen feels a lot different when I'm doing my best to quiet myself down as much as possible when I make eye contact with you when I'm really just in my body feeling whatever thing is swirling around not trying to think or do anything the second I jump into my head what do I think what do I do my voice starts to get a little more rapid and it just feels differently it feels more nervous right I'm doing my best to think my mind's racing right now what should I say what do I do you probably feel a little bit more nervous there's something known as emotional contagion right if you sit next to someone who's really anxious or really angry you're going to start to feel more anxious than angry yourself if you sit next to someone who's feeling very calm you start to calm down yourself so the first thing the first kind of baseline when it comes to to building any sort of sexual connection any sort of emotional connection in any way shape or form is that you can't be actively trying to do anything in fact that's your biggest enemy you have to slow down create sort of peaceful environment peaceful atmosphere that's kind of the biggest basis for any social communication then with getting sexual you got to do a little bit more or once again you don't have to do anything that's the enemy you have to clear the other crap out of the way to let the natural processes of your body come forward because I'm sure probably all been in a situation where sexuality has happened where you weren't thinking about it you weren't trying to do anything and all of a sudden a certain vibe started coming over your interaction with with someone that you're attracted to right it's those times when you weren't actively trying to to figure it out that you were just enjoying yourself that you were just having a great time with this other person and then afterwards you're like oh crap what happened what did I do how did that happen how how can I recreate that and you get into that cycle of trying to figure it out getting in your head trying to actively do something it's again your biggest enemy and then it's not surprising that you can't repeat that success but what happens in those times when you're just having an amazing interaction when you're getting out of your own way and allowing those natural processes to take over here's the secret getting sexual it's all about the feeling all about the feeling in your body it's again emotional contagion if you're feeling turned on if you're feeling sexual in your body there's a good chance the person with you is going to be feeling that as well if you start to get in your head if you start to think that second that you go up there oh my god she likes me what do I do now kill it right then and there over done little example of this I will attempt to conjure up those sexual feelings in my body if you'll just give me a second close my eyes nervous so this is a little more difficult than usual think of situation that turns me on quite a bit so notice when I'm once again keeping things quiet just holding this space feels a little bit different in the room and when I did a moment ago can't be actively trying to do anything except for simply enjoy the feelings in my body there's not a huge difference then when I clear out those feelings and go back into more of a mood of speaking coaching this is what I do this is what you should do more platonic all of a sudden I let those feelings come up in my body a little bit more and there's a slightly different vibe to what I'm saying to the feeling that you get in your body as I make eye contact and notice a couple other things my voice slows down a little bit more maybe drops down a little bit lower and pitch or tone and this is important because sexuality cannot exist without silence if you're one of those guys that gets excited that talks really fast shooting yourself in the foot you can't do it if you want to get sexual I mean I have to watch myself I get very excited and talk too fast but when I do there's not a woman in the world that would be attracted to me my face has a little bit more of a sexual energy to it expression to it my lips become a little bit more sexual once again you can't actively try to do this though you can't think well I'm gonna try to talk in a sexy tone I'm gonna make a sexy facial expression it's the same as trying to smile when you're not really happy it just looks awkward it looks weird it makes other people feel uncomfortable why because that feeling that thing that's most important is awkward is uncomfortable always starts and ends with the feeling the only thing that matters now aside from simply feeling these things in your body there's another component to getting sexual right because once again nine times out of ten of a woman who has been trained in our society to not be the aggressor to be told that that's slutty or unattractive which isn't true whatsoever I mean if you're attracted to a woman and then as you know she fulfills the fantasy that we've grown up watching and all of our our boy movies and you know makes it easy for us we're not going to complain but as we know most of the time that that doesn't happen so when you're feeling these things right when she's communicating back with us that she's on that same level then we have to typically move things forward physically if we want them to go anywhere from there keep in mind I say if she's on that same level I mean the first thing that I'm always going to be looking for is that vibe reciprocated from her if I feel attracted to her once again I'm not closing my eyes and thinking of a scenario that's sexy in my mind I mean either I'm attracted to the person in front of me and those things come out naturally I'm doing my best not to get in my own way or start overthinking but simply to let her know that that's how I feel I'm going to be reading her I'm going to be paying very close attention to the messages I'm getting back if she feels that energy coming from me and she makes eye contact with me if I can feel that turn on coming from her I'm going to move things forward if on the other hand I look at her and I'm hit by this emotion and my tone the look in my eye the expression on my face carries with it that message that attraction and I'm not getting that back if I see that she feels a little bit uncomfortable for whatever reason maybe she's not attracted to me tons of women who aren't attracted to me it's more personal taste it's more the smell of your body the sense you give off tons of scientific studies about that more about what kind of mood she's in more about her current relationship status how are days going for whatever reason I'm getting that discomfort back that hesitancy back shutting it off completely I'm the last thing you want to do is make anyone feel uncomfortable just as a human being just as a basic courtesy to other human beings and so I'm going to get back the platonic very nice to meet you like I would any friend right and this goes throughout the entire process which I'll soon be demonstrating because different people have different boundaries maybe a woman who's attracted you would love to hold your hand right but she is not ready to kiss on a first date or on a first meeting maybe she's down to kiss on the first meeting but she doesn't want to go any further than that and so the entire time I'm going to be expressing myself and then reading okay where's this other person at you need both sides of it so when it comes to getting more physical starting with the feeling in your body it shouldn't be that difficult once again all the times when when you've gotten closer to a woman when that physical thing just kind of happened and you look back oh what wait what did I do how did that happen it's really simple when two people are attracted to each other when two people are speaking and these feelings are coming up for them and they're looking in each other's eyes and communicating on that deeper level I mean the only level of communication that really matters when it comes to human communication then there's gonna be an almost magnetic pull actually could probably be a exactly a magnetic pull towards each other they're just drawn towards each other they just want to be closer because there's nothing in the world that would be more appealing to those people at that point in time so underneath it all right getting closer to someone getting more physical with someone is simply that natural expression of I want to be close to you just want to touch you I just want to feel your skin against mine because nothing would feel more amazing right now second you get in your head oh wait should I put my arm around her should I hold her hand suddenly it feels awkward suddenly it feels anxious vibe goes away she no longer wants you near her so I'm gonna be walking you through some ways to kind of slowly build up that expression of I want to be closer to you with respect to the other person's boundaries but keep in mind that this isn't some sort of well step-by-step do one one a then one be this is simply the ways that I've found that when I'm attracted to someone that when I have that feeling of oh man I just want to be near you that I've expressed myself physically it's my desire combined with my personality with what feels best for me if you're not doing what feels best for you it's not gonna feel good for her if you're doing what feels best for you in that moment it's probably gonna feel good for her as well as long as you're reading her the entire time so to help me demonstrate the ways that I get closer to someone when I feel that attraction I'd like to welcome my friend up to the stage quick introduction is incredible she's the founder and CEO of it's a company that pairs American investors with African startups brilliant and fortunate to have her up here assisting me today so once again it starts with that feeling in your body it starts with that natural desire it starts with with feeling that coming back from her and feeling that kind of magnetic attraction that you might have for the other person so there's no secret there's so mad no magic to it the first thing you want to do you just want to get closer more exciting it feels the better and the closer you get the more those feelings start to spike it's natural human condition and when you're in a loud environment such as a bar or a club you've got an added bonus you've got an added benefit loud music anyone who says oh it's too loud in those places they don't understand how attraction works because it gives you an easy excuse to get closer to someone they can't hear you that just means get closer it doesn't mean yell and as you get closer to someone those natural feelings come out more and it should be once again you've got this magnetic pull towards each other you just want to get closer and closer so that every single time you might get a little bit closer and a date or anything that's so funny the overall distance just kind of closes a little bit more and a little bit more and you don't have to do anything fancy because when you're feeling this every little touch carries that feeling much more strongly so if I lean in and our arms graze against each other that's just going to have more electricity to it that's going to feel as good as anything in the world could possibly feel she's got her arms down at her side and I lean in and our hands touch oh my goodness hands have a lot of nerve endings in them so if I lean in and our hands graze not only will that send that electricity through our bodies but I'm also going to get to gauge where she's at with this whole physical contact thing if I lean in our hands graze and she gets a little bit uncomfortable she gets a little bit closed up I'm going to realize that okay maybe she was being friendly maybe she's just kind of naturally flirtatious and sexual but she doesn't want to get physical with me cool how's that going but if on the other hand I get closer and our hands graze and she's still there she still seems to enjoy it she's not moving her hand then I can assume she might enjoy a little bit more holding hands is the best holding hands is great all those nerve endings joining with that feeling it just kind of maximizes it just kind of blows everything up to another level and you never want to stay like completely in so blah blah blah blah because then it's just going to start to feel a little bit overwhelming and you never want to keep your distance because then those feelings can never build there has to be both poles present there has to be a intensifying and there has to be a little bit of a break in that so be getting closer I'll be able to read how close how physical she wants to get through the hands the rush shoulders and everything else especially the feeling you got to maintain the feeling now if this is all going well if we're with each other she's clearly very comfortable with the situation she's flirting back by the way that's all flirting is if you ever been confused all flirting is is speaking to someone else with that feeling in your body with that sexual tone it doesn't matter what you say you can flirt with someone talking about breakfast what you have for breakfast today I love pancakes my favorite words don't matter never did only thing that matters is the feeling been receptive so far getting closer pulling back hands are all good another thing that I might move towards my hand on her hip hips are very sensitive area if a woman feels comfortable with your hand on her hip it's very much just going to raise the tension raise the energy even more once again how do I do it how do I touch if you're thinking that you're doing it wrong the only thing that matters is what feels best for you what is going to feel the most amazing for you in that moment while paying close attention to how she feels as well so I'm getting closer talking spawning hands on the hips body's getting closer to one another and when you're right here when you're at that point you're looking at each other's eyes it's almost impossible for a kiss not to happen right here we're friends it's another big round of applause that's getting sexual there's no secret there's no long technical thing to remember it's about practicing it's about training yourself to not get in your head to not start thinking what do I do what do I say to get in touch with those feelings in your body and to allow them to come forward as they would naturally as they have before when you weren't thinking about what to do when it just kind of happened and this is something you can train yourself in I always say you want to get good at this flirt with everyone if you just try to do something with the small percentage of women who you're attracted to but then you do the opposite the rest of the time you're always going to suck it's impossible to get good if you're doing one thing 99% of the time and then only doing that thing you want to improve on the other 1% of the time it'll never happen for you so I always say flirt with everyone right and it not even in a way that oh I'm trying to get in bed with you but just in a way that acknowledges hey when we're around each other this funny natural God-given thing happens in our bodies we can't control it it's kind of silly it's kind of funny might be a little weird but it's enjoyable right waitresses I've gotten so many freebies just from flirting with the waitress how's your day going yeah what do you recommend on this menu older women flirt with older women man oh they're the best practice in the world enjoy their company make them feel beautiful make them feel sexy you're so sweet I'm gonna introduce you to my daughter my granddaughter right look at the most charming charismatic sexy men they flirt with every single woman not just trying to do something differently when they're around someone they like you have to practice this all the time if you want to get good if you want to be considered a sexual human being it has to be part of who you are part of your natural communication and once again if someone if the waitress is like I'm okay sir I'm gonna go back great I'll have the pancakes thank you but if she's like oh you're so sweet better be like you're so sweet how long have you been working here for doesn't matter what you say that feeling that's being a change exchange between the two of you almost wish this was more complicated that there was some greater secret that I was involving it's it's simple but then it's not easy not when we've been trained by our culture to try to actively figure something out to try to actively do something when that's our standard MO it can be tough to break away from that that's why you have to practice practice just getting in touch with those feelings in your body I mean I can close my eyes think of something sexual and raise that energy up but that's just because I've been practicing doing it for so long maybe read some erotic literature just to identify okay there's that feeling meditate on it grow it harness it sit on a park bench and just enjoy the beauty that surrounds you pretty girls walk by get comfortable feeling that in your body around other people so with all that being said and I still I want to end off with with one more point but before I get to that I'd like to stop right now and open things up for any questions getting sexual getting closer to someone else expressing your own sexuality anything unclear that you feel might be standing in between you and being the type of person having the type of relationships you want with women now's the time to ask it I want there to be no confusion I want there to be no doubt so questions anybody got questions raise your hand one second is that clear mystery of the universe salt thanks Nick quick question so pertaining to you you mentioned about practicing and trying to harness that energy how long did it take you to actually harness that sexual energy hmm in terms of in any given moment or to where I've got myself to where I've got myself to the point where I can kind close my eyes and bring it up and keep in mind like what you saw up here on the stage is a pale shadow like when there's a woman that we are really connected and we're really jiving I mean it's going to be like this times 10 right in terms of of answering your question I would say it depends on the person it depends on how much shame you have surrounding that how many kind of blocks or barriers that you have surrounding your your sexuality with some people they practice this I've seen guys turn into sexual powerhouses in a couple days with other my clients it might take a couple months of after the program following up with them making sure that that they're continuing to do this in order to really start to make it more natural for them for them to bring it more strongly that answer thank you any other questions I have a question in terms of physical escalation you talked about some specific things like holding hands touching hips is there something like one piece of advice that you could give that would be a physical expression a physical movement you know you could say technique that will help a guy who's never had that sexual experience and turn it into you know a state of arousal there's one physical expression so I'm going like this like turns on a woman every single time right it doesn't don't do that unless you're doing it ironically then it might be funny but I would say yes but it's going to be different for every single guy once again his feeling of desire combined with his personality how that comes out through his body and once again if you focus on oh I should do that thing like for example I've been told that when I'm feeling more sexual in my body I play with my lips a little bit more I might bite my lip let it slowly fall off I might lick my lips or something but if I'm thinking oh okay gonna lick my lips now bite them never be sexual it will never be sexy right so I would say that once again if you are really feeling and turned on in your body maybe it's a hip rock I notice that sometimes my hips might pull a little bit more in the direction of the person that I'm attracted to so for you when you're feeling that turn on your body when you're just focused on enjoying those feelings connecting with the feelings of the person in front of you your body will act in a way that gives off all those tiny little signals that you could never even do properly if you were trying look at any actor actors are primarily famous because they're able to convey emotion on stage they're able to make us feel something because they're feeling it so strongly in their body a great act I've worked with a few of them because this is basically the exact same thing they're not thinking okay well I'm gonna do my sexy act they're gonna what they actually do is they turn up that feeling in their body and then the little things that they do a little lip raise a little eye twinkle it's all things that naturally come from that feeling and it like once again it looks different for every single person so don't think about it don't try to you'll only be shooting yourself in the foot so if I understand you correctly it's dependent upon your expression and urge of sexuality as well as the women's and the uniqueness between the two course yes you talk about coming together and wanting to touch each other you ever break rapport break the tension and come back to make it stronger or you just you know it's once again two things I say you have to can't be all the way on or the entire time it has to be though that polarity happening I call it physical polarity just for that reason you need both sides but completely breaking it it's gonna depend on her it's gonna depend on the reading if once again I see that maybe she shifts just a little bit in an uncomfortable way I'm gonna back up I'm gonna be reading her but if she's once again saying God I want you if her expression is saying I want you on my body so bad right now now I'm gonna keep moving things forward and once again it's it's thinking about it technically if you're thinking okay well I'm going to break rapport right now in order to create more sexual tension all of a sudden you're jumping in your head you're killing the vibe you're killing the mood you're killing the energy and she's going to be less turned on by you so whatever the feeling is dictating in that moment that's what I'm gonna go for but they have some kind of preconceived plan of I should do this or I should do that you're only hurting yourself thank you for the question so how do you practice something that you can't think about there's you know normally if you're like doing equations or something you practice you got to think about it but how do you practice something you can't think about practicing not thinking that's a good question because on the surface it kind of sounds like a contradiction practice meditation at all okay you should I I mean especially in building these feelings meditation which is a practice known the world over it's all about a all about quieting down your inside voices right I've heard prayer being described as talking to God meditation being described as listening and it's it's quieting down it's it's unactivating that that mental process that we've gotten so used to running our lives finding peace finding stillness learning to connect with whatever swirling around in our body same thing as practicing listening listening is an actively doing something it's becoming completely passive in that moment learning to develop that passiveness learning to develop that quiet that peace that calm if you're trying to use a not that great of an example if you're trying to make a quiet you know meditative space you're not going to be bringing in more stimulation you're not going to be bringing more things and you're going to be trying to take it away you're going to try to remove so it's it's it's something that's just cultivated it's something that the more you focus on bringing that quiet more you focus on getting in touch with those feelings more you focus on being present with that and expressing that when you're with another human being the better you get at switching to that mode so can't actively think okay I'm gonna get quiet right now I'm gonna get peaceful I'm gonna harness my zen it's not doing anything which is a practice in and of itself does that answer your great talk Nick I think it's often overlooked I really like the being true to your your feelings is what you said earlier and being present silent ex escalation my question was in a brief encounter with a woman so maybe your intention or the time frame is is short you see somebody you approach and you have those feelings it's somebody that you you have a chemistry with and you you escalate you talk about pancakes whatever you know breakfast do you think that there's something to add to that besides the escalation so it's gonna be a brief encounter you're gonna get a number or some kind of follow-up is there something that you should add or consider adding so that when you see them so that you can see them again they want to see you again you know they don't walk away just feeling like oh wow that you know I'm attracted that guy but something else and on your next encounter you're gonna spend a lot more time with that person so do you think that because we're complicated people just doing an escalation just flirting what other sorts of things do you want to add to that awesome question oh my gosh I'm so glad you you asked this question because it's gonna include some things that I probably should have included in my talk already so thank you thank you thank you for starters expressing your sexual sexuality verbally your rights all I said there's flirting and you can talk about anything right but there is another key component to expressing your sexuality verbally other than just that feeling and what you have to do verbally as you kind of spoke to is you have to express the fact that I want to see you again and you have to take the steps in order to logistics to make that happen usually just exchanging a phone number all phone number is is just a way that our society expresses I want to spend more time with you I want to get to know you better I want to see you so verbally speaking that is the one specific thing that you have to express is I want us to be together more thank you for mentioning that answering your question a little bit more yes there absolutely is something that you have to express more than just that sexual connection that sexual feeling for a woman to want to see you again in a romantic setting and what that is is essentially everything that I talked about in my last speech on this convention stage that's why you need both parts right if you want to see a woman romantically again you need to have that feeling have that connection of yeah we're turned on by each other right I mean you can have two people at a dinner party and they're just you know everyone else is talking everyone else is having conversation but when they look at each other when they talk there's just that extra vibe that's that extra really it's cool they have that extra little connection that look in their eye maybe they're stealing glances back and forth with that electricity while everything else is going on and then the people at the table that don't understand how this work they're thinking man what did he say what did he do he must have said something before dinner that that made this happen when in fact it's just that connection then on the other side of the fence you have to actually express that you're interested in them as a person as a human being who they actually are what they're into what's going on in their life right I've had plenty of encounters with women where there was just that sexual tension where there was just a fire and sometimes it's you know just a quick exchange sometimes it's making out sometimes it's even more than that but then the next day comes and she doesn't respond to my texts what happened we had this crazy sexual connection she kind of had a chance to think about it she had a chance to you know back away from it and realized well there wasn't really anything else there other than just this kind of quick sexy thing and oftentimes it's not going to be enough to make a person say I really want to see that person again sometimes it will I mean there's plenty of women out there who are looking for a crazy hot romantic time for that night or for you know a couple weeks after but unless you actually develop a more personal connection on you know a deeper who are you what are you about what are you into really trying to get to know them really trying to understand them then there's a good chance that it's not going to go anywhere so once again that's where everything I talked about last year comes into play or two years ago now is are you once again listening are you giving them space to open up and express themselves who they are without trying to make something happen or trying to do something are you genuinely curious it's once again starts and ends with the feeling are you really curious about who is this person what do they do what are they about letting them feel that asking them deeper questions being vulnerable sharing yourself not talking on and on like you're you're trying to you know make them like you more because of how great you are but when they're opening up saying I want to share who I am with you as well so yes I'm so glad you asked this question because you need both parts because if you just have a great platonic conversation this is so cool we're connecting what we really understand each other we have so much in common this is amazing and then she doesn't respond to your texts or calls what happened well there wasn't she didn't feel that spark she didn't feel that fire but if all she feels is that fire fall she feels is that crazy there's an equally good chance it's not going to go anywhere so that's why you need to develop both that's why you need to practice both thank you great question Nick you said you wanted to add one more thing but can you take one more quick question how much time do I have ten minutes cool yeah let's do it sure so how many times did you and your partner have to practice to make that minimally awkward we didn't at all I was I basically said okay you have to pretend that we're attracted to each other for up here and we exchanged a couple of glances and everything but yeah yeah we're usually just kind of buddy buddy in one more quick question and if you're somebody that's starting at zero like let's say you have social anxiety you really want to get sexual you have the urge to it what is the best first step to take if you've got zero I would start off with first of all that first building block that we were just talking about I'd say that that's more important and you can practice that with everyone guy girl doesn't matter first just learning to really connect with people first just learning to express that wanting to really get to know them as a person and make those personal connections and practicing doing that because if you're if you're not able to do that you're not going to be able to just you know express sexuality and make that happen you have to have that foundation underneath of genuine human connection first and then once again meditating on those feelings of sexuality reading something thinking about things that stir those feelings up in your body meditating on it and then starting out with maybe women who don't intimidate you as much because it's a whole other thing when she's just making your heart pound out of your chest not to revert back to overthinking getting scared first just developing that muscle of being able to express yourself sexually when you're around another person with once again every single woman you come into contact with with respect to where she's at and then after that becomes you're not only able to hold that connection you're not only able to express yourself then you're going to have a lot more success being able to do both of those things together around people that are already naturally making you go crazy so thank you question and so really quick I'd just like to finish off with this like to go back to Tony my client who once again happened to be in a wheelchair and just like to share with you how a week after the program I got a nice big old email from him and I quest emails from all my the guys I worked with follow up making sure they're on the right track doing things properly but I had the pleasure of him sharing with me that that Saturday night he happened to spend it in the arms of a woman who he happened to find very attractive now I'm not sharing this with you to brag and then certainly the goal of my program is not to hook up the goal of my work and my coaching is not to have sex right success and what I do is being happy being content with this part of your life not having any questions not having those nagging insecurities of I'm missing something I'm doing something wrong have complete confidence in this area of your life the reason why I wanted to share that with you though is I just want to express that there's no excuse for you at this point right if Tony can overcome the messages that he's been told his entire life about who he is about you know what he's not if he can overcome that if he can push himself if he can pick himself back up and say no I can do this you really don't have any excuse whatsoever maybe you had an excuse back when the information was crappy back when you were only getting the messages from the movies and maximum but now our industry is involved to a point where there is great information out there and so any excuses you come up in your head oh I can't do this because of that or I you know that people will do you know excuse excuse excuse excuse it's all bullshit you don't have any excuses from having this part of your life handled from being happy from being content just like with getting sexual you just have to get out of your own way thank you very much guys