 E-L-S. That's right, folks. C for comedy, A for Abbott, M for Maxwell, E for Ennis, L for Luke Costello. Put them all together and they spell Camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's Camel show starring Butt Abbott and Luke Costello. Hanley Stafford is pinch-heading for Butt Abbott who has a bad case of laryngitis and is listening in at home. Costello, come over here. What's the matter with you? Oh, Hanley, I feel so unnecessary. Kamara is the first day of spring. Yes, and I hope you didn't forget to take that spring tonic I made for you, that sulfur and molasses. Yes, but I'm not gonna take any more of that stuff, Hanley. You put too much sulfur in it. Too much sulfur? Yes, this morning when the barber massaged my face, my nose lit up. Costello, you got spring fever. Oh, yes, Hanley, I think I'm in love with Marilyn Maxwell. Everywhere I look, I see her face. As I look around this room, even the design in the wallpaper seems to say, Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn. Marilyn! What was that? A crack in the wallpaper. You are my road to love. Road to love? Yes, and what detours? Marilyn, don't mind Costello. He's got spring fever. Oh, but spring time is romantic, Louis. Suppose, suppose I were to take you in my arms and say, I only have one heart, one heart. What would you say? Two clubs? Well, Louis, Louis, I've got to go now and order my new BVD. BVD? That's my brown velvet dress. See you later, boys. Hey, Hanley, remind me to get rid of my IOU. IOU? Yes, that itchy old underwear. Oh, talk, says Costello. Oh, look, this spring, why don't you do something useful? Plant a garden. It'll cut down your expenses. Look what the headline in the paper says, cost of living skyrockets. Who cares about the cost of skyrockets? Living or dead. But if you want me to out-plant a garden, Hanley, I'll raise flowers like my Uncle Artie Stebbins. He wants cross tiger lilies with pussy willows. What did he get? Hepcats. Oh, you dummy. Costello, why don't you raise hyacinths? Have you ever seen a hyacinth in front of the park? Hanley, you can't park in front of a hyacinth. I'm talking about flowers. You like dahlias? Oh, sure, my uncle comes from there. Where? Dahlias, Texas. Never mind that. Oh, look, I'm going to help you plant a spring garden. Now, the first thing you do is sow the seed. I do what? You've got to sow the seed. I didn't even know it was ripped. Now, wait a minute. When I say sow, I don't mean sow S-E-W. I mean sow S-O-W. Sow. So what? Sow the seed. You see, you've got to sow the seed before you reap it. You sow first and reap later. What kind of talk is that? I used to reap my seed first and my mother would sow it later. Costello, when I say reap, I don't mean reap like your rip when you rip. I mean reap like your reap when you sow. Oh, when you say reap like your reap when you rip, you don't mean rip like your rip when you reap. You mean reap like your reap when you sow. Now, you've got it. Now, I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, Costello, I'll explain what sow the seed means. Suppose you are planting tomatoes. Why do I have to wait for tomatoes? Why can't I plant them today? All right, all right. You're planting tomatoes today. When they grow up, what do you do with them? I eat them. Yes, but you can't eat all of them. Why not? They're my tomatoes. I planted them. I'm gonna eat them. You can't eat all those tomatoes alone. I don't eat them alone. Ah, that's better. I eat them with salt and pepper. Look, dummy, you've got a whole field of tomatoes. You can't possibly eat them all, so you eat what you can and what you can't eat. You can. Certainly. Then again. Could I have that again? Certainly. Only this time, spread it out. Let me get a good look at it. All right. You have a lot of tomatoes. Now you eat what you can and what you can't eat. You can. I can what? You can what you can't. I can what I can't. That's right. Henley, I'm willing to forget the whole thing. Oh, no, you don't. I'm trying to tell you, you don't eat all those tomatoes. You only eat what you can and what you can't eat, you can. There's only one way to settle the whole thing. How's that? We'll throw away the tomatoes and eat the can. Look, how do you get to know so much about plant and garden? I've listened to experts discuss it on the radio. Don't you ever listen to the radio? Listen to the radio? Yeah. Henley, I lived in Allen's alley. I've ridden a range with Red Rider. I've walked the floor with the quiz kids. I handled the Novocaine when young Dr. Malone operated on John's other wife. And in spite of you, I still think life can be beautiful. Experience is the best teacher. It happened during the wartime cigarette shortage. What was that? That was Henry. He's just heard the corner store has cigarette. And when Henry got there, three seconds, that's my best record yet. At the cigarette counter, Henry gladly took whatever brand he could get because folks couldn't be choosers in those days of shortages. Henry says, I smoked about every brand there is, but it was worth it because that's the way I discovered I really liked Camel's best. Yes, during the war when cigarettes were short, the experience of smoking whatever brand they could get taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. That was when people's T zones, that's T for taste and T for throat, compared more cigarette brands than they'd normally try in a lifetime. And of all these brands, smokers learned that their T zones really appreciated Camel's rich, full flavor and cool mildness. The result? Today, more people smoke Camel than ever before. Experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Time now to light up a Camel at Skinny Anna Sings. It's the same old dream. I can see a steeple surrounded by people. Oh, how real, all starts to see. Just as the quiet stays, my alarm starts ringing. It's the same old. And then my thoughts inspire, a scene by the fire, in a cottage close by a stream. I know it all by heart now. We're about to part now today. Oh, dream. If you but knew how many times I've pretend that I'm with you, I'm sure your heart would undemn you'd see me through, until my dream had a happy ending. I can picture clearly the seas all of Delhi in the center, you raise the dream. We can't and I discover I'm a love lover. It's the same. Here, I got you a beautiful seed catalog. Pick out what you want to plant. Oh, I think I'll plant radishes, onions, carrots, cucumbers, and Brussels sprouts. Oh, you don't even know what Brussels sprouts are. I do too. A Brussels sprout is a cabbage after the withholding tax has been deducted. Say, Costello, this catalog gives a description of each vegetable. It says the Idaho potato, three inches in circumference, thin skinned, easy to raise. Listen to this description, five foot two, eyes of blue, hard to date. What vegetable is that? A Hollywood tomato. Oh, stop that. I thought you wanted to plant a garden. Oh, I do, Hanley, but my backyard is too small and I'm just dying to plant some cucumbers. Hey, I've got it, Costello. We'll ask the weather wet wash to let you plant some of the land she inherited from her husband. You knew her husband died. Brother, did he take the easy way out? Quiet, Costello. Here comes Mrs. Wet Wash now. Let me handle this. Oh, good morning, Mr. Stafford. Good morning, Mrs. Wet Wash. Well, tomorrow's the first day of spring. It's time to put in a garden. Oh, I wondered what you were doing with that big barrel of peat moss. Oh, pardon me. That's Costello. Go ahead, Costello. Ask her about planting the cucumbers. Mrs. Wet Wash, I was wondering if, well, if you and I could, well, maybe get together and... Oh, Mr. Stafford, he's proposing marriage. Oh, but go on, Costello, speak up. I mean, we'll get together and raise a few little things. Oh, but Costello, you understand what a great undertaking that would be for the two of us. Oh, yes. But there's really nothing to it, Mrs. Wet Wash. All it takes is a wheelbarrow and a gallon of DDT. Costello, please. Oh, of course, when they grow up, they'll be a little trouble. The heck they will. We'll cut them down. Cut them down? Look, Costello, you just can't go ahead and cut them down. OK, then we'll train them to climb poles. Well, to each his own, I always say. I hope the kind we raise has plenty of warts. Plenty of warts? Costello, are you out of your mind? And I like them best when they're pickled. With you for a father, I wouldn't blame them. Me for a father? Well, yes. Aren't you talking about getting married and raising a family? No, I was talking about raising cucumbers. Oh! Mrs. Wet Wash, let me explain. You see, Costello wants to plant a garden and he thought you'd allow him to do a little digging on your ground. I'd be glad to give him a plot. Six, five, four. And after you've spayed it, Costello, throw yourself in it and I'll be glad to cover you over. Oh, and you can start planting whenever you're ready. Come on, Costello. Let's go in the seed store and buy some stuff to plant in your garden. Jeetie, got a lot of garden tools in here. Look at this funny-looking reek. I never saw one with hair on it before. Unhand me, Costello. Well, it's skinny on it. What are you doing in here, skinny? Well, I came in here to get some suspenders from a geranium. You put suspenders on geraniums? Well, sure. How else can I keep my plants from falling down? Henry, that skinny is an awful dope using suspenders to keep his plants up. Everybody knows you use a belt. Look, there's a nice plant in your garden. That's Laurel. Is it easy to raise? Of course. Laurel is hardy. Well, then I bet it... What did you say? I said Laurel is hardy. When did Laurel become hardy? Costello, Laurel has always been hardy. Henry, I've seen them in every one of their pictures and Laurel ain't hardy. You idiot. The Laurel I'm talking about grows in a big pot. That's not Laurel. The guy with a big pot is hardy. Oh, forget about it. Come on, let's buy you seeds. Where offered? And, Mr. Costello, you fault little mawn you. Imagine bumping into you. If we'd have known we were going to bump into you, we would have jumped out of the way. Wow, wow, what are you doing here? Oh, I stoked by to get some fluids. Fluors? Oh, sure, Henry. You know what fluids are. That's like Lulux, Hooli Hooks, and sweet pews. I've got to get... I have to get something that will kill the corner poolers and ozs that are eating my pond. Oh, this kid has got ozs and a plant. Well, I must be dorshing off. As we say in French, la paté n'est pas doula and la quiscasse est douille. And a hot pot of pasta was doula the kisser you took. Come on, Costello. There's a clerk coming in. Tell him what you want. Ah, gentlemen, as the mad Russian said to Eddie Cander, how do you do? What can I do for you? I'd like to get tense since we're at a cucumber season. Oh, well, as Gabby said to the Kingfish, lovely, lovely, lovely. Just follow me, right this way to the vegetable department. Our things and glaucomora is that little brook still sleeping there. What was that? Must be an Irish potato. Well, here you are, a package of cucumber seeds. Just drop them in the ground. You know, cucumbers are hardy. Yes, I know. We... Wait a minute. I thought Laurel was hardy. Oh, Laurel is hardy. Also cucumber. Now, poor Laurel is cucumber. Oh, no, no, no, young man. When I say that Laurel is hardy, I don't mean that Laurel is hardy like Laurel and hardy in the cinema. I mean that Laurel is hardy like cucumbers are hardy. And both Laurel and cucumbers are hardy. Says so right here in this catalog. How do you like that? Now they've got our routines in seed catalog. Oh, shut up, Costello. Listen, do you have any young cucumber plants? As Margaret Truman said to her orchestra leader, follow me. Let's go in. Let's go into this greenhouse. Greenhouse? I don't see any greenhouse. That white house over there is the greenhouse. A white house is a greenhouse? Of course. And the little red house there is a greenhouse too. The red house is a greenhouse, certainly. And the white house is a greenhouse too? Now you got it. Well, if I got it, I caught it from you. Listen, you dummy, a red house or a white house can be a greenhouse. A greenhouse doesn't have to be green. It can be a red house or a white house and still be a greenhouse. Hailey, now you've got it. Now I got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Camel presents lovely Marilyn Maxwell from Metro Golden Mare, producers of It Happened in Brooklyn. And here's Marilyn to sing for Camel fans everywhere. How come you do me like you do, do, do? How come you do me like you do to treat me all so blue? I ain't done nothin' to you or else just leavein' what you're doin' to me. How come you do me like you do? How come you do me like you do? Break, didn't even sleep. My mind was wanderin', all I did was sing would drive a gal to drink, to drink. Me like you do, do, do. How come you do me like you do? You have to treat me all so blue. I ain't done nothin' to you. Temperature from hot to cold. Me like you do, do, do. How come you do me like you do? See if this isn't true. Try a camel on your T-zone. That's tea for taste and tea for throat. See if your taste doesn't wake up to new pleasure as it is introduced to the rich, full flavor of camels, superbly blended choice tobaccos. See if your throat doesn't welcome camel's cool mildness. See if camels don't suit your T-zone to a T. You know, a nationwide survey of cigarette preferences among doctors was recently made. Three leading independent research organizations had 113,597 doctors this question. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand named most was camel. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Well, Costello, Mrs. Wetwasher has a lot of land here. Just look, Mrs. Wetwasher's land is spread out as far as the eye can see, and so is Mrs. Wetwasher. Shame on you, Costello. Shame on Costello. Making an insulting remark about a lovely lady who was kind enough to let you use her land to plant your garden. How could you do such a thing? What have you got to say to yourself? Oh, I'm a... I'll say you're a bad boy. And what's more, I bet you don't know the first thing about farming. Hailey, I come from a long line of men who spent the best years of their lives on farms. Oh, farmers. No, travelers' salesmen. Come on, Costello. Let's get this planting over with. Hailey, you have no appreciation of the wonders of nature. I get out in the boiling sun, dig my fingers into the soil, plant the seed, cover it with rich topsoil, water it, watch it grow. Then one day I wake up and there it is. And it's all mine. All mine. What? Weeds. Loads of weeds. Well, make up your mind. What are you going to plant? Well, this hole I'm going to plant an olive tree and then I'll leave the next hole empty. Then I'm going to plant another olive tree and leave the next hole empty. Then I'll plant another olive tree... ...or Costello. What's the idea of leaving empty holes between those olive trees? I've got to have some place to throw the pitch. Oh, you dope. Why don't you plant vegetables? Okay, I will. I'm going to plant tomato seeds and grow lemons. Wait a minute. When does a tomato turn out to be a lemon? As soon as you marry her. Attention, everyone. The last joke was 100 years old today. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Alright, cut it out, Costello. Cut it out, Costello. I will do you again. Listen, why don't you plant some fruit trees? Okay, Harry. I'll plant some orange trees. I'll put the seeds in right now. Now for some more orange seeds. What was that? A naval orange. Come on, finish your digging so we can plant the rest of these seeds. Okay, Harry. Wait a minute. Look what I found. Bones. Look at all these bones. They must be a part of a skeleton. Come on, Harry. Let's get out of here. They're ghosts. Wait a minute. A skeleton is not a ghost? Oh, yes it is. A skeleton is a ghost that's waiting for a sheet to come back from the laundry. Come on, Harry. Look at this metal tag. I just stuck it up. Read what it says. Herman Wetwash. Uh-oh. Costello, this looks suspicious. Do you suppose Mrs. Wetwash murdered her husband? Why would Mrs. Wetwash murder her husband? Well, he had a lot of money. No, there must be another reason. Yes, he had a lot of money. That's the reason. Oh, here comes that murderous Mrs. Wetwash. Let's get out of here, Hanley, before she kills us. We'll go and get a detective and solve this case. Come on. I wonder why those boys ran off so fast. Why look what they've done to my garden. Herman. Herman. Yes. Herman, those naughty men dug up all the bones you buried. Oh, those rats. Now you'll have to bury them all over again. But Herman, where's your dog tag? No. You naughty dog. That's the third tag you've lost this month. What have you got to say to yourself? I'm a bad... Well, here we are, Costello. Yeah. Let's go to the detective agency. Let's go in. Okay. You coy soma detective. You ingrate. You traitor. I'll never forgive you. You ruin me. I'll get even. I'll get revenge if it's the last thing I do. Mr. Detective, what's the matter with him? His wife was missing and he hired me to find her. What's she so angry about? I found her. Well, gentlemen, what can I do for you? We came to report a murder. Oh, I see. I brought the murderer with you. Just a minute. I didn't commit any crime. Oh, no. No. Where were you on the night of May 5th, 1949? 1949? That's two years from now. A pretty weak alibi. Say, Costello, I could use a bride boy like you in this office. I've got a client that's a beautiful blonde, 19 years old, blue eyes, and a gorgeous figure. What is it worth for you to watch her day and night? The most I could give you is $80 on my new car. Come on, Costello. Let's get out of here. We'll sell this case ourselves. Herman, get in the house with those bones. You'll come saffered in Costello. I'll take care of them for digging up your bones. If you don't, I will. Now, don't accuse her outright, Costello. Murder's a serious charge. Be subtle. Where the wit wash? I want to talk to you. And I want to talk to you. Digging in my yard and leading poor Herman's bones scattered around. Well, you certainly disturbed the appearance of the garden. That's nothing to the way you disturbed the appearance of poor Herman. Mrs. Wattwash, why did you bury Herman's bones in your garden? Well, I didn't bury Herman's bones. Herman carried them there and buried them himself. That I would like to have seen. Mrs. Wattwash, may I ask you a question? Certainly. How did poor Herman spend his last few hours? Chasing cats. You see, Henley, even on his death bed he tried to get away from her. Death bed? What are you talking about? How did your husband Herman die? Oh, my husband Herman. He was lost to sea. Well, it must have been a pretty high tide because his bones washed up in your backyard. Oh, those bones. Do you deny that these bones belong to Herman Wattwash? Certainly not. But you see, there are two Herman Wattwashes. Herman Wattwash the dog and Herman Wattwash my husband. You see, I fell in love with Herman. The minute I felt his cold nose and sloppy ears. Your husband? No, the dog. You see, I buried Herman twenty years ago in San Francisco. The dog? No, my husband. But Mrs. Wattwash, how do you explain the bones Castello dug up? The Herman be quiet, be quiet. Now, Castello, when you found Herman Wattwash's bones you didn't find the bones of Herman Wattwash. The bones you found were Herman Wattwash's bones but they were not the bones of Herman Wattwash. Oh, now I've got it. Now he's got it. He don't even know what he's talking about. Get me out of here, Hailey. Our routine's not going to the dogs. Hanley Safford and Luke Costello will be back in just a moment for Camel Cigarette. During the war, the makers of Camel Cigarette sent a total of more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to Servicemen's hospitals instead. This week the camels go to Veterans Hospital Phoenix, Arizona, U.S. Army Walter Reed General Hospital, Washington, D.C., U.S. Naval Hospital Key West, Florida, U.S. Marine Hospital, Fort Worth, Texas, and Veterans Hospital, Jackson, Mississippi. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. Our rebroadcasts to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now back to Hanley Safford and Luke Costello. Well, Costello, next Thursday is Marilyn Maxwell's birthday. Yes, Hanley. And if I had some money, I'd buy her a beautiful present. All right, next week I'll help you invest your money in the stock market. You know my father has a seat on the curb. Yes, I know. I see him sitting there every day with his feet dangling in the gutter. Oh, Costello, you're impossible. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night. Listen to Abbott and Costello next Thursday when they're due their new routine on stocks and bonds. Oh, Mr. Roy, that's stocks and bonds. Why, why do you always make these mistakes? Oh, I'm a bad announcer. Mr. Pipesmoker, is your pipe just a pipe or is it packed with pipe appeal? A pipe has pipe appeal when it's packed with Prince Albert say happy pipe smokers everywhere. Yes, with Prince Albert you get rich, full flavor and cool mildness, too. Prince Albert is specially treated to ensure against tongue bite. Crimp cut to burn slow and even. Try Prince Albert. More pipe smoke PA than any other tobacco. Saturday night here Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry on NBC. Here American Folk Songs has only read Foley Singism. Laugh with a duke-a-pa-duke and mini-pearl. Remember, at Saturday night on NBC for Grand Ole Opry. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarette. And remember, experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. C-A-M-E-L-S. The American Red Cross is important in peace as it is in war. Disasters of fire, flood and accident, no, no season or time. When they occur the Red Cross takes care of the victim. That is why the American Red Cross needs $60 million from contributions this year. That is why you are asked to give us generously as ever this year because your contribution is needed as much as ever. Abbott and Costello will soon be seen in the new Universal International Picture Buck Privates come home. Thanks to Hanley Stafford for a fine job of pinch-hitting for Bud Abbott who will be back with us next Thursday night. This is Michael Roy in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camel. Stay tuned now for the Eddie Catterton show.