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The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly done well. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Hahn, president of the American Tobacco Company, the sponsors of this program, happens to be visiting the West Coast. So without further ado, we take you to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills, where Jack is preparing to give a dinner party in Mr. Hahn's honor. Hold your head still, boss. It's hard to cut your hair when you move like that. Okay, but be careful, Rochester, and hurry. I want this finished before Mr. Hahn gets here. I'm doing the best I can, boss. The best you can. You started to give me this haircut 40 minutes ago. You haven't even got the sides done. Well, when I get the Death Valley on top, I'll go faster. And you can stop with that, too. I may have one little bald spot up there about the size of a quarter. I'll raise your hair. Never mind. Anyway, when you're finished cutting my hair, I want you to massage some of that new hair restore into my scalp, you know? I'd rather not massage you with that stuff, boss, it backfires. What do you mean, it backfires? Well, it doesn't do you any good, but I have to shave my fingers twice a day. Don't stop making things up. I'm not making things up. Look, my thumb's got five o'clock shadow. Gee, and I thought that you... Come in. Oh, hello, Mary. Well, what's going on here? Rochester's giving me a haircut. I'll be with you in a minute. Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack, why do you let Rochester cut your hair? You can go to the bar to get a haircut. You can go to the bar to get a haircut. Why don't you let Rochester cut your hair? You can go to the barber shop and have it cut for a dollar. Ms. Livingston, you just started and lost your own argument. Mary, Rochester's doing all right and helped me a little bit in the house. I want everything to be right when my sponsor, Mr. Han, gets here. Jack, I know you're worried about your option, but aren't you going too far? Huh? Where in the world did you get mistletoe this time of the year? And look at that picture over the fireplace. It used to be Lady Godiva. Now it's Paul Han. Mary, will you please? And Jack, look at that other picture in the corner. That's really overdoing us. What do you mean? Whistler's mother smoking a lucky strike. Mary, Mr. Han was the one who sent me that in the first place. Ooh! Rochester, be careful with that razor. Okay. Where's the iodine? Iodine? Rochester, am I bleeding? I'll tighten it that time. That'll stop it. Just put a band-aid on it. And hurry up with this, will you? Do you think... Answer the door, will you, Rochester? That's the telephone! All right, all right, answer. Well, Jack, don't be so nervous. Hello? Who? Yes, sir, I'll tell him. Goodbye. Rochester, who was that? Mr. Ronald Coleman. Ronald Coleman? What did he want? He said he'd like to help you impress your sponsor, but he's going out tonight so he can't park your Cadillac in your driveway. Hmm. Say, Jack, if you really want to impress Mr. Han, why didn't you invite Ronnie and Benita to your party? I did, Mary. I called Ronnie on the phone this morning. What'd he say? He said, oh, never mind. Oh, but come on, Jack. What'd Ronnie tell you? Well, he said, eh, never mind. Anyway, I'll fool him. I'll live to be a hundred. Mary, how does my haircut look? Let me see. What are you laughing at? Look how Rochester trimmed your sideburns. What's the matter with them? They look like sterling hollow way on one side and Caesar Romero on the other. Rochester trimmed your sideburns. What's the matter with them? They look like sterling hollow way on one side and Caesar Romero on the other. Rochester, take that razor and even them up. I want to look... See, I hope that isn't Mr. Han already. Come in. Oh, hello, Don. Hello, Jack. How are you, Mary? Fine, Don. Sit down, Mr. Wilson. Thanks. Oh, by the way, Rochester, we'll have cocktails before dinner. Martinis or Manhattan? No, no, I'd like to have something different. I've got it. We'll have scotch mist. Uh, scotch mist? Yes. You see, you pour scotch over chipped ice. See, that's a scotch mist. Oh, I thought it was when Phil breathes on you. No, no, Mary, when Phil breathes on you, it's a bourbon blockbuster. Yeah, I wish... I wish Don and the rest of the gang would get here. Don's already here. You just said hello to him. Oh, yes. Sit down, Don. I mean, sit down, Don. I am sitting down. Oh, oh, that's right. That's right. My goodness, Jack, you're so nervous today. I wouldn't worry about that option if I were you. Who's worried? Well, Jack, I'm sure Mr. Hart will sign you up. Don, that's not the reason I invited him over here. Who cares about my job? There are other things besides radio. With that haircut, you could go into television. What? Even kinescope couldn't louse that up. Oh, forget my haircut. And Rochester... Yes, boss! Don't stand around here. Go out in the kitchen and make a tray of hors d'oeuvres. Hors d'oeuvres? What do you mean? Get a ham sandwich and cut it in 40 pieces. And open a can of sardines, too. Yes, sir. Oh, say, boss. What? We're all out of butter. You want me to go down to the store and get some? Well, maybe answer the phone, Mary. Okay. Hello? Yes? Oh, Mr. Hahn. Mr. Hahn, give me that phone. Hello? Hello, Mr. Hahn? This is Jack Benny. What? What? What's that? Oh, take it easy, Jack. He can hear you. Quiet, Mary. Oh, no, Mr. Hahn. The party is tonight. Well, look, look. Can't you go to the theater tomorrow night? Or the next night? I mean, the next night? Gee, Mr. Hahn, I've invited the whole cast for dinner. They'll be awfully disappointed. What about the butter? Wait, we may not need it. Well, look, look, look, Mr. Hahn, Mr. Hahn, we're all waiting for you, so do come over. You will? Oh, boy, that swells. Tell him to come early and get a haircut. Come early, Mr. Hahn, and get married. Okay, Mr. Hahn, see you soon. Yes, sir. You're always welcome at Benny's by-the-wee bungalow. Well, goodbye. Boy, was I worried for a minute. Answer the door, will you, Mary? That's probably Don. But, Jack, I'm right here. Oh, yes, yes. I'll go see who it is. Oh, hello, Dennis. Where'd you get that haircut? Rochester gave it to me. Come on in, kid. Oh, gee, I'm late. You've eaten already. What? There's cats up on your face. Oh, sir. Rochester, tighten your neck tight. Dennis, come in, will you? Okay. Now, look, Dennis, against my better judgment, I invited you tonight. I hope you'll behave yourself because we're having my sponsor for dinner. You promised us roast beef. Look, look, kid, look, the only thing I want you to do, the only thing I want you to do when Mr. Hahn gets here is to sing for him. Don't talk. Just sing. Now, my option is coming up. I don't want anything to happen. All right, so if he doesn't pick up your option, you haven't got anything to worry about. What? I can use you on my show, kid. Dennis. That haircut will get screamed. Look, Mary, I'm bleeding. Take him away, will you? Dennis, now remember what Mr. Benny told you. When Jack's sponsor gets here, don't talk. Just sing. Okay, you want me to try out something now? Yeah, yeah, try anything. Rochester, get me a band aid. Why doesn't Don get here? He is here. Oh, yes, yes. Sing, Don. I mean Dennis. I don't know where I am. If you're Irish, come into the parlor. There's a welcome there for you. If your name is Timothy or Pat, so long as you come from Ireland, there's a welcome on the mat. If you come from the mountains of Morn or Calarney's Lake so blue, I'll sing you a song and we'll make you fuss. Whoever you are, you are one of us. If you're Irish, this is a place for you. Well, here comes my Swedish friend, Oly Svensson from McNamara's band, Bayon Pinyame. If you're Swedish, come into the parlor. You'll come in and score with us. If your name is Collaring aboard, you'll spool up a chair and he'll prepare a little smorgasbord. If you come from the village of Malmo or we'll stock homes and so forth, we'll roll out the barrel and when we're done, say Bayon Pinyame and he'll have fun. If you're French, you're welcome one and all. Now I say here comes the British friend of mine from Chelsea on the Thames. Oh, he's got a lovely bunch of coconuts too. How if you're British, come into the parlor and we'll have a bit of chaff. How if your name is the Trabagail and if you're a limey-blimey, then we'll split to pint of ale if you've ever walked through Meadows of Devon or the Farber of London too. If you've ever ridden an omnibus, we'll bloom and well know that you're one of us. If you're British, Jackie, how do you do? If you're Spanish, come into the parlor. If you're French, you're welcome two. If you're Danish, Italian or Greek, a welcoming smile will make up for the languages we don't speak. If you're a Ladi, a Lassio, comes from the hills of Old Scotland or the hills of Timbuktu. The door will be open to everyone, whoever you are, wherever you're from, you'll live with a loving son of a gun. What are you waiting for? Come into the parlor. This is the place for you. Dennis, that was a swell song and when you sing it for Mr. Hahn, I'm sure he'll like it. But remember what I told you. Don't talk. Don't talk. Don't talk. You drive a guy nuts. What? You're nothing but a jellyfish. If you had a good program, you wouldn't have to worry about your sponsor. Dennis. Boy, are you lucky you've got me. The warrant for my singing in you had been out of work a long time ago. And another thing, you... Excuse me a minute. Hello? What else should I tell the mother? Dennis, hang up that phone and behave yourself. Yes, sir. Now, Mary. Yes, sir. I want you to help me as much as you can. I will. I will. Thanks. Now, there's one thing I wanted to ask. Oh, oh, yes. Mary, when we go into dinner, should I have Mr. Hahn sit on my right or my left? Well, that all depends on whether you want him to think you're sterling hollow air. She's a remarrow. Mary, I thought you said you were going to... He isn't me. I'm the barber of Seville. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Dennis, yeah, put down those scissors and get out of that chair. What do you think this is, a barber shop? That ain't the North Pole in the burn yard. Rochester, just make the hors d'oeuvres and stop with all... That must be Don. Don's here. Oh, yes, yes. Come in. Hiya, Jackson. Hello, Levy. Hello, Phil. Hey, I'd have been here earlier, Jackson, but something went wrong with my car and I had to ride over on the bus. That's all right, Phil. Mr. Hahn hasn't... Wait a minute. Phil, you came all the way over here on the bus with that in your hand? With what, Mike? Well, how do you like that? I put on a glove that was holding a Scotch and soda. That could only happen to you. Phil, why didn't you bring Alice with you? Yes, Phil, I told you to bring her along. Well, Alice wasn't very hungry, so she went to Brown Derby. Why'd she do that? Well, there she can order all the cart. Here she has to take the whole dinner. Phil, that's ridiculous. Tonight the dinner's on me. If his option is picked up. Mary, my option has nothing to do with it. Hey, Jackson, now soon we're going to have dinner. You know I have to go... Oh, no. Oh, no. Phil, what are you laughing at? Your hair. It looks like it was cut by two barbers who weren't speaking to each other. Well, don't try to be funny. And that reminds me, there's something I want to talk to you about. Me? Yes. Now, look, when Mr. Hahn gets here, don't start telling any of those corny gag diers. Believe me, he won't like them. Can I tell them what about the old maid that set the ver trap under the bed? No. Especially not that one. And remember, now, I want everybody to be on their best behavior. Oh, don't worry, Jack. Now, look, I don't want you overdoing it either. You know, act natural. Don't be nervous, you know, just because Mr. Hahn is the sponsor and he's... Yes! That's him now. Stand in attention, everybody. I mean, sit down. Sit down. Rochester, answer the door, will you? Yes, sir. Pardon me. Is Jack Benny Lou here? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Pardon me. Is Jack Benny Lou here? Yes, sir. Come right in. Oh, look, it's Mr. Paul Hahn. A one, a two. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. And he's our sponsor, too. And he's our sponsor, too. Janet! And he's our sponsor, too. Come right in, Mr. Hahn. Come right in. Thank you. That was quite a reception you gave me. Yes, yes. Your coat, Mr. Hahn? Your coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat, coat. May I help you with your coat? I should have waited until you unbuttoned it. Mr. Hahn, Mr. Hahn, you know everybody. Of course, of course. Glad to see you all. Glad to see you, Mr. Hahn. Well, we might as well go in the living room. This way, Mr. Hahn. Thank you. Hey, this is a lovely home you have here, Jack. Well, I'm glad you like it. It's nearly paid for, too. About another year ought to do it. Yup. Yes, sir. Now, before we have dinner, Mr. Hahn, perhaps you'd like some punch. Don't mind if I do. Give me your cup. I'll dip some up for you. Drop your cup in the punch bowl. That's silly of me. Now what'll I do? Anybody got a rubber glove? Mary. You know, Mr. Hahn, Mary always has to be the comedian. She never lets up. Yes, she's a very clever girl. Incidentally, Mr. Livingston, I want to tell you how much my wife and I enjoy you on the program. Well, thank you, Mr. Hahn. You not only have a lovely singing voice, but where did you learn to yodel like that? Yodel? Mr. Hahn, you're thinking of Judy Canova. Oh, yes. I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Livingston. Well, that's all right, Mr. Hahn. Forget it. Anyone can make a mistake, I always say. How, Mary? Oh, shut up. Yes, sir. Well, I see you have my picture right over the fireplace. Yes, sir. It's been up there for months. It's a wonderful picture of Mr. Hahn, isn't it, kid? I liked him better when he was sitting on the white horse. Dennis. Sidesaddle yet? Dennis, I told you, don't talk. Just sing. Hey, Paul, you better laugh up some of this punch. Paul? Thanks, Phil. This time I'll get it myself. Yeah, it's good stuff. It's called Mission Punch. Once swallowing, you fly back to Capistral. Oh, Harris, thank goodness for daylight saving time. Now, people can see you one hour longer. Mr. Hahn, Mr. Hahn, I must apologize for Phil. He's very corny. Oh, on the contrary. I think Phil has a great sense of humor. Oh, oh, he has. He has. And he's so sophisticated. You know, Mr. Hahn, sometimes Phil has me in stitches, you know? They're me, too. Hey, Paul, did you hear one about the old maid that put a bear trap under her bed and caught a bear? Oh, Phil, that's a piff. I was hoping you'd tell that one. You know, Mr. Hahn, he's a riot. He certainly is. Say, Jack, if the boss likes that kind of stuff, you got nothing to worry about. Quiet, Mary. You know, you know, Mr. Hahn, Dennis, stop standing on your head. Nobody's looking at that. You know, you know, Mr. Hahn, Mr. Hahn, one thing about this gang, you know, there's no jealousy or friction here. We've been one happy little family under the same sponsor for seven years. I mean, six years. I was thinking of next year. Yes, sir. Ah, Jack's right, Mr. Hahn, we do have a good time together, and we really enjoy our work. Well, you always sound like it, too. And now that you're on the subject, Jack, I'd like to tell you how good your shows have been this year. Oh, well, that's very kind of you. Mr. Hahn, of course, they could have been much funnier. Then why weren't they? Well, I mean, I mean, I, Mary, say something. Olly, olly. Mary. Mary. I mean, Mr. Hahn, Mr. Hahn, what I really need... He's stuck for an answer. One, two. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. And he's our sponsor, too. And he's our sponsor, too. Janet. Dinner is served. There's a lot this time, folks, so don't run. Oh, sorry. Mary, Mary, you go with Mr. Hahn. Come on, everybody, dinner is served. Now, Mr. Hahn, will you have another shrimp cocktail, olive, celery, pickles? No, thank you, Jack. I think I'll just wait for the next course. But I will have a cigarette. Oh, yeah, cigarette, cigarette, cigarette, cigarette. There you are. You see, it's a lucky strike. Yes, sir. LS, MFT, LS, MFT. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. That's right, Jack. Now, may I have a match? Match, match, match, match, match, match, match, match, match, match, match, match. Just a second, just a second. Oh, Janet, why don't, why won't this match light? You're striking it on the chop lever. Oh, yeah. There you are, Mr. Hahn. There's never a rough puff and a lucky. Come on, everybody, a one or two. There's never a rough puff and a lucky. Oh, by the way, Mr. Hahn, I've been thinking, you know, it's so silly of you to stay at a hotel while you're in town. I have an extra room, and you could just as well stay at my house. Isn't that right, kid? Why not? He could put it on his expensive couch. Well, I wouldn't think of charging Mr. Hahn. After all, he's my boss, and I hope he will be for a long time. Yes, sir. I've got a lovely bunch of olives, some are green and some are black and blue. Dennis, Dennis, what are you doing? You told me to sing. Look, kid, I meant that... Okay, everybody, here's the soup. Oh, boy, soup. Wait a minute, Rochester, serve Mr. Hahn first. As a matter of fact, since I'm the host, I'll serve him myself. Rochester, I'll take the soup, Karine. You put the other things on the table. But, but... Don't argue. Give me the soup, Karine. Okay, here. Ow! It's hot! Oh, my goodness. Jack, Jack, you spilled the soup on Mr. Hahn. We're poor little sheep who have lost our job. Dennis, shut up. Forgive me, forgive me, Mr. Hahn. I'm terribly sorry I spilled the soup on you. Oh, that's all right. This soup's ruined, anyway. While I was walking over here, I tore a hole in the knee when I slipped on some rose petals. Oh! Well, come on, everybody. Loosen your belt. There's plenty of food on the table. Here, Mr. Hahn, have some option. I mean, have some potatoes. Here you are. Thanks. You know, Jack, it's amazing how much you look like Eddie Cantor. Eddie Cantor? Jack, loosen your tie. Your eyes are popping out. Oh, yes, yes. There, that's better. No, it isn't. You're bleeding again. Jerry, stop mixing me up, will you? Why would you jittery the day, Jack? I've never seen you act this way before. Well, I... I haven't been feeling very well, and... Look, Paul, I'll give you the whole thing in a nutshell. Jackson's worried about our handle it. You just mind your own business. Jack, may I have a word with you? I know that a home's not the proper place to pop business, but... Oh, that's all right. That's all right, Mr. Hahn. It's quite all right to discuss it in my home. Go ahead. I mean... Well, I have something on my mind, then. I think a man should know where he stands. Stand? Now, mind you, this is not a rash decision. We've had several meetings concerning your radio programs for the past season. Look, look, I can make them funnier, Mr. Hahn. Honestly, I can't. No, look, Mr. Hahn, look, you... you... How can you do this to me? I'm not as young as I used to be. You know, I'm 39. Mr. Hahn, think it over, please. Please, Mr. Hahn, please, think it over. Jack, there's nothing to think over. Lucky strike is picking up your option. It isn't just for myself. What? I said we're picking up your option. You're... picking up my... Wait a minute, Mr. Hahn. How do you know I'm available? But, but, Jack... We'll talk about it tomorrow, and in the agency. Not in my home. And let's eat. Ladies and gentlemen, to those of you who live along the route of our personal appearance tour, I want to say that tonight we are playing in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Tomorrow night, May 22nd, in Fiora, Illinois. Tuesday night, St. Louis, Missouri. Wednesday, Indianapolis, Indiana. Thursday, Grand Rapids, Michigan. Friday will be in Detroit. Saturday in Toledo, Ohio. And next Sunday night in the public auditorium in Cleveland. We'll be seeing you, and I hope you'll be seeing us. Jack, we'll be back in just a moment. But first, in a cigarette, mildness and enjoyment go together. So light up a lucky, because Lucky Strike is milder. Yes, scientific tests prove Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes. These scientific tests are confirmed by independent consulting laboratories, and they prove Lucky Strike mildest of six major brands tested. And no wonder, it takes fine tobacco to make a fine cigarette, and LSMFT, LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. So for a milder tasting cigarette with never a rough puff, smoke a lucky. You'll enjoy the smooth, rich taste of Lucky's fine tobacco. You'll prove to yourself what scientific tests prove. Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes. Try a carton of Lucky Strike. We're a little late, so good night, folks. Be sure to hear Dennis Day in a day in the life of Dennis Day. Stay tuned for the Amos Nandy Kovach follows immediately. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.