 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means lime tobacco. Richard, same thing, lime tobacco. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. This is Don Wilson, friends. Let's take a good close look at the subject of why you smoke cigarettes. Think it over a minute and you'll agree that the main reason and probably the only reason you smoke is simply that you enjoy it. It's all a matter of taste. The reason for this better taste is that Lucky's are actually made better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. Fine tobacco and a better made cigarette gives you better taste every single time. So if you go along with me that smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste then be happy. Go Lucky. Because the fact of the matter is Lucky's taste better. Get a carton of Lucky Strike and see for yourself. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. Program starring Jack Benny with Murray Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby and yours truly does. Gentlemen, after living for 15 years at the same address in Beverly Hills our little star recently decided to put his house up for sale. So let's go out to Camden Drive where we find Jack showing a prospective buyer through the premises. Well, I guess I've shown you about everything, Mr. Mrs. Borden. It's quite a nice house. Yes, it's just about what we had in mind. Good, good. Naturally I wouldn't want to high pressure you into a sale because I don't believe in doing business that way. But where else at the price can you find a home with this square footage, quality of workmanship, choice location, and the Benny you're squeezing my arm. Oh, I guess I got carried away. Anyway, I'm glad you like it. Mr. Benny, to maintain a house this size I imagine you must have a butler, a gardener, a cook, a chauffeur, an upstairs maid and a downstairs maid. Yes, yes I have. Well, where are they? Here I am, sir. Now, Mr. Benny, I think we've seen all we need to and we'll let you know. Come along, Martha. But I haven't even told you about the neighbors. See, right next door are my dear friends, Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman? Yes, ma'am. Here, look out this window. That's Ronnie and Benita's house. Where? Right there, you can just make out the tip of the chimney over his fence. That's some fence. You should see it at night when they shoot electricity through it. Well, Mr. Borden, this house seems to fit your needs and if you want to leave a small deposit, I'll be very happy. Excuse me, folks. Rochester, I thought that plumber finished upstairs. No, he just had to go back to the shop for more, too. Oh, for heaven's sake. I'll be back in a second, folks. Rochester, show them the closet space in this room in the hall. Just as I had the deal almost closed, that darn plumber had to start pounding on the pipes. Say, fella, look, fella, I'm trying to sell the house. Would you mind being a little more quiet? Look, bud, I'm in no mood for complaints. Why, what's the matter? Did you ever spend three hours on your back looking up at the bottom of a rusty sink bowl? Criticize. I'm not criticizing. I just don't see why you have to make such a racket with that hammer. Because the hammer is made out of metal and the pipes is made out of... How full of sound? Well, sure, if you'll be kind enough to help me. What can I do? Put your head between the pipe and the hammer. Let me finish up the job and get out of here. Can't understand it. Other people hire plumbers and get a plumber. I hire a plumber and get a Milton Burl. Well, folks, as I was saying, Rochester, where's Mr. and Mrs. Borden? They left, but they said they were interested in the house and they'd think about it. Oh, well, I hope they... I'll get that, Rochester. There's probably somebody else who wants to buy the house. How do you do? Step right... Oh, it's you, Mary. Stop bowing. I'm not going to buy your house. No, I know. Come on in. I thought it was another prospect. You know, they've been coming in droves. No, so, a sale yet, huh? No sale yet. Gee, I can understand it, Mary. Here's a beautiful home, 28 rooms, gorgeous grounds, large swimming pool, and the little... Jack, you're squeezing my arm. Let me ask you something. Why do you want to sell this house anyway? Look, Mary, I'm here all alone. Just me and Rochester. What do I need with a house that has 28 rooms? Jack, you mean to say this house has 28 rooms? Certainly. There's the kitchen, the dining room, the living room, the den, the library, and three bedrooms. That's only eight. What about the other 20 rooms? Oh, I never use those. I've had them closed up for years. You've had them closed? Jack. You see, I don't really need... Jack. So many rooms, you know, so I only... Jack. What is it, Mary? Jack, whatever happened to Kenny Baker? Gee, I don't know. I never thought of that. I don't know. He came over to my house about 15 years ago. That's the last I saw of him. Anyway, Mary, since I don't need so many rooms, I decided to get a smaller house. Come in. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. Oh, hello, Dennis. Come in and sit down, kid. Thanks. Say, Mr. Benny, I saw the sign out in front of your house that says for sale. That's right, kid. How much do you want for it? $100,000. For a little sign like that? I'm trying to sell the house. Oh, well, I wouldn't buy it. Oh, you wouldn't, eh? Well, Dennis, I've got news for you. In the first place, nobody asked you to buy it. And the second place, you couldn't afford to buy it. If I didn't work for a cheapskate, I could. Don't look at me. I only thought it. He said it. I don't want to get into a long routine with you, so sing the song you do on the show before the gang gets here, will you? Okay. Mary, get me a glass of water. Here's an aspirin. I have my own. Just sing. I don't understand how anyone who sings so beautifully can come in here and act like you do. What makes you behave like that? I don't know. I'm just a meshug and a mixed-up kid. Please turn the water on in the service porch. Hey, plumber, the water's on. Finish fixing the sink? Not yet. Why do you want to have the water turned on? I'm a crazy plumber. I'll get it. Imagine a guy like that. Hiya, Jack. Oh, hello, Bob. Come on in. Everybody's here, but Don Wilson. As soon as he comes, we can rehearse. Well, Jack, I just bumped into Ronald Coleman in front of your house. Ronnie, what do you have to say? Oh, nothing. He put a rabbit's foot on your for sale sign and went home whistling. Oh, he's wishing me luck, yeah? Jack, is that sign out in front just a gag or are you really trying to sell your house? Well, of course I'm trying to sell it. What are you asking for? A hundred thousand dollars. A hundred thousand dollars? Brother. What do you mean, brother? Well, my brother's the only one that's got that kind of dough. I thought you were going to main the band over today so we could have a complete rehearsal. Well, I was, Mary, but I called Bagby the piano player and he said that today all the boys in the band have gone to a tailor to have new tuxedos made. All the musicians in the band? New tuxedos? What are they celebrating? National Wine Week. I'm a little surprised that they drink anything as mild as wine. Oh, sure they do, Jack. They drink a lot of beer, too. Beer? In fact, they had the answer perhaps they had the question. That I can believe. That's the only band I ever saw where the bass fiddle has a bung-hole in it, you know? How do you and Bob always pick on the orchestra boys? It's none of your business what kind of a life they lead. Look, Mary. Week after work, you're always picking on them and selling them. You never have a kind word to say about them. Look, Mary. They've been with you for years and you ought to be ashamed of the way you constantly run them down. Mary. After all, your only concern should be whether or not they play good music. Oh, I see. And you, you think they play good music? Well, they could if they weren't always drunk. Now, Bob, as long as the boys in the band are getting tuxedos, tell them to please wear them on the show. Well, I will, Jack. And one more thing. I have a request from the California Chamber of Commerce. What's that? Well, they wrote me a letter saying that if Sammy the drummer can't grow hair and won't wear a toupee, won't he at least paint a stem on his head so it'll look like an orange? Doesn't that... Come in. Glad you brought the sportsman with you. Don, did you see that sign out in the front lawn? Yeah, I noticed that, Jack. Are you really going to sell this house? That's right, Don. Hey, why don't you buy it? You've tried it on enough, you know. Too big, we can take it in a little around the pantry. Hey, Jack, why don't we get this rehearsal over with? I want to go out the driving range and hit some golf balls. Say, I'd like to go with you, Bob. All right, kids, maybe we'll all go. But first, let's get on with the rehearsal. What kind of a show are we going to have? Well, Don, the first half is all written, but we're not sure what to do for the last half. I'd like to do something different. How about throwing a satirical version of a psychological drama? Say, that's a pretty good idea. Mary, what are you talking to him for? He's the plumber. Oh, I thought he was one of your writers. That's a stupid mistake. When he pronounced psychological right, he only was. Now, look, mister, we have a rehearsal to do. Just go finish your job. That's what I came to tell you. I'm all true. Good, good. But there's something I think you ought to know. What? Well, there was a leak in one of the pipes, and while I was tricing it, it led me way to the back of the house on the top floor. And in one of them unused rooms, I saw a fellow with curly hair sitting there eating jello. What? Jack, that must be Kenny Baker. No, no, that's impossible. Maybe it's the gas man. Look, mister, you didn't see anybody up there. Probably just a hallucination. Hey, that's a good word. Yes, yes. Now, as long as you're through with your job, you can go. Okay, goodbye. Goodbye. Now, kid. Oh, pardon me, Mr. Benny. Is your house still for sale? Yes. How much you want for it? Look, you couldn't afford to buy it. You didn't get my bill yet. Huh? When you see it, remember, it ain't no hallucination. Get out of here. Now, look, kids, as long as everybody wants to go out and hit some golf balls, let's start the rehearsal. Now, Don, while we go in the other room, rehearse the dialogue, you run through the commercial with the sportsman. Do you have something prepared? Well, yes, Jack, but I was thinking about your house. Look, Don, you can't afford to buy it, so let's start. Oh, I don't mean that, Jack. I thought as long as you're anxious to sell a house, it may help a little if we do something about it with the quartet on the radio. Oh, something about the sale for my house? Well, that's wonderful, Don. Hey, kid, you go in the other room, rehearse the dialogue. I want to listen to this. Go ahead, Don, let's hear it. I want him to sell cigarettes, too. Hey, fellas, cigarettes. I want a smoke just like the smoke that... We want to thank you very much. Why, Jack? Well, this way, maybe I can sell my house direct. I won't need a real estate agent. You see, we'll use it on the air Sunday and see if we can get... All right, Chester, answer the phone. Will you please? Yes, sir. Gordon calling. Is Mr. Benny in, please? Just a minute. Pause us for you. It's Mr. Gordon. Mr. Gordon? Oh, say, that's the man who was over to look at the house. Maybe he's going to buy it. Hand me the phone. Hello? Will you please get off the line? Hello, Mr. Gordon. This is Jack Benny. Oh, Mr. Benny. Oh, what'd you call for, Mr. Gordon? What? What'd you call for? What, what? Huh? What was that, huh? What is it, Mr. Gordon? What, what? Huh? What, what? Mr. Benny. Yeah? What, what? My wife and I have talked it over and we've almost made up our minds to buy your house. You have? Yes, we have. You said you wanted $100,000. Is that right? Yes, yes. If you'll come right over now, we can close the deal. Well, Mr. Benny, the bank's all closed now and all I have with me is a business check for $250,000. Well, come on over. I can give you the change. I have an appointment out of my club this afternoon. I'll come over first thing in the morning. All right, Mr. Gordon. I'll be here. Goodbye. Hey, kids. Kids gets what just happened. Mr. Gordon, the man who was here with his wife a while ago, just called and said that we're going to buy my house. Say, that's wonderful. Yes, Jack. That's great news. Yes, sir. They'll never be happy here. They will if you don't visit them. Now, come on, kids. Let's finish our rehearsal. Then we'll go out to the driving range and hit some golf balls. Well, here we are. Here, Mary. I'll carry your club. Oh, thanks, Bob. Here's your bag, Jack. Careful with them, Bob. Those clubs are new. Gee, the driving range is crowded today. We better get some golf balls at the stand. Dennis, here's some money. Go get us a couple of buckets of balls. Okay. Excuse me, kids. I want to swing this club to limber up my hands. They're stiff from my violin lesson yesterday. Oh, did you practice too long? No, my violin teacher closed the case on my finger. Happens every time I take a lesson. Here's a bucket of balls. Thanks, Dennis. Go ahead, Mary. Hit one out, will you? Okay. Keep your head down. Be quiet. Hey, that was a good one, Mary. Yeah, but watch your form, Mary. Your pivot was much too abrupt and you dipped your shoulder. Go ahead, Bob. You go. Okay, here goes. 50 yards. Straight down the middle. Yeah, but, Bob, you dipped your shoulder, too. Now stand back and watch me. Not dipping my shoulder. Don't be funny. I just tried to hit it too hard. That was all. Oh, stop making excuses. You've never played good golf in your life. Oh, I haven't, eh? Well, let me tell you something, sister. Not only do I play good golf, but I even know some great trick shots. Trick shots? Yes. Here I'll show you. Dennis, lie down and put this golf ball on your nose. Come on, Dennis, lie down. Okay. Now hold still, Dennis, while I balance this ball on your nose. I'll show you a trick shot if you ever saw one. Now stand back, everybody. But, Jack, you must be kidding. That's a dangerous trick. It sure is. Your life will miss that ball and hit Dennis. Yeah. Now get up, Dennis. Now watch me, Bob, and I'll show you the correct form for driving a ball off the tee. Watch this. What do you mean, wonderful? I missed the ball three times. I know, but you're finding the smog out of Los Angeles. I'd be a mess. I don't know, Jack, but gee, maybe I ought to take a few lessons from the instructor here. Instructor? Where is he? Well, that's him over there, the one with the white cap. Oh, yes. Maybe he can help me. Oh, mister. Mister. Yeah. Instructor here? Yes. Don't let these lounging pajamas fool you. Right on. Now, what are you charged for a lesson? It's $3 for a half hour. Well, okay. Give me a lesson. All right. Let me see your swing. A grip the club firmly. The thumb on the shaft. Like this? Very good. But be sure not to slice. We're right next to the third hole of the golf course, right over that head. Oh, yes. I'll be careful. Now start your back swing. That's it. Now head down. Keep your head down. Lower. Lower. Lower. So will you please give me some instruction? All right. Keep your head down. Swing back slowly. Oh, boy. Look at that one goal. Jack, you got a bad slice on that one. Look, it's going over the hedge on the golf course. Oh, for heaven's sake. I better run over and apologize. You don't have to. He's coming over here. Oh, Mr. Borden, the man who's going to buy my house. Oh, hit me on the head with that ball. I did. I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Borden. Who's Mr. Borden? You are. You are. Who's Jack Benny? Oh, hit him so hard he lost his memory. But he can't. He promised to buy the house. What house? My house. Don't you remember? Things in the house in Beverly Hills. Twenty-eight rooms. The swimming pool. The spacious yard. Stop squeezing my arm. Remember, please, please. The lovely neighborhood. The wonderful neighbors. Kenny Baker will sing to you. Mr. Borden. What about my $3? Well, I saw... Ladies and gentlemen, by this time tomorrow night, eleven hundred American homes will have had a fire. The day after that, another eleven hundred homes will burn. And the day after that, year after year, this terrible destruction will go on unless we do something about it. What can you do? Be constantly careful. Check heating and electrical equipment. Don't smoke in bed. Make sure every match, every cigarette, is out before you retire for the night. Don't give fire a place to start. Thank you. Jack, we'll be back in just a minute. But first, a word to cigarette smokers. This is Don Wilson, friends. You know, I'd say that the thing that gives you real smoking enjoyment is the taste of your cigarette. Yes, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. Well, the fact of the matter is, luckies taste better. I guess that college smokers have known that for some time now. Last year, a survey was made in leading colleges, which showed that smokers in those colleges preferred luckies to any other cigarette. This year, another nationwide survey was made, based on thousands of actual student interviews. It was a representative survey of all students in regular colleges from coast to coast. This survey shows that luckies lead again, lead over all of the brands, regular or king size, and by a wide margin. Both last year in this, the number one reason given for smoking luckies was their better taste. It's because luckies are made of fine tobacco and made better that they taste better. That's why we think it's a good idea for you to be happy, go lucky. Yes, next time, ask for a carton of Lucky Strike, the cigarette that tastes better. Be happy, go lucky. Get better taste today. Everybody, we're a little late. Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Hyde for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. Stay tuned for the Amazin' Andy Show, which follows on the CBS Radio Network.