 Hey everybody, today I'll be reading you things Mr. Welch is not allowed to do at an RPG, numbers 1-100. If you wish to read along, there will be the TV tropes link and also the actual blog post where it originated from in the description as well as links to other places on my channel. Alright, we'll start with number 1. Cannot base characters off the who's drummer Keith Moon. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument. There is no gnomish god of heavy artillery. My 7C character Bodru is not southern Montague. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on one-point professional skills. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes. How to serve dragons is not a cookbook. My monk's lips must be in sync. Just because my character and I can speak German doesn't mean the GM can. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades. Must learn at least one offensive and defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep no matter how cliche they are. Ogres are not kosher. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory. Old damaged man is not an appropriate name for a superhero. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over hilt first. Drought are not good eating. Polka is not appropriate marching music. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star trench run out of genre. There is no such thing as a gnomish pygmy war rhino. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 blue wells. The green elf does not need food badly. Valley Speak has no place in the fantasy setting, especially if you're the paladin. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head and make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000. The goddess of marriage chosen weapon is not the whip. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on the back. I am not allowed to kill off all the vampires in the lark even if they are terminally stupid. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most hit points at the time. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over. There is no such skill as improvised cooking. I am not allowed to base any droid off of any character played by Joe Pesci. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table. They do not make black market illegal cyber weapons for rodents. When investigating evil cults, not allowed to just torch to the crepit mansion from the outside. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to can lick their eyebrows. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes. Gnomes do not have the racial ability impromptu kicks dead. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check. No longer allowed to set Nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 101 point skills. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer Frelin says so. They do not make nair in wiki sizes. The elf has restricted the decaf for the rest of the adventure. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs cave instead of exploring it first. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls. My bar does not know how to play Inagata Davida on maracas. Not allowed to start a drow character way more than a quarter ton. Cannot pimp out other party members. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint. In the middle of a black-up, I cannot ask a guard to validate parking. Expended ammunition is not of business expense. Not allowed to pose the netrunner in embarrassing positions when he is on a run. Not allowed to short-sheet the bedroll of impotent deities. Cannot only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCGE-8 saves him. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbled uniforms, say please. My paladin's battle cry is not good for the good god. There is no summon bimbo spell. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except once the party speaks. There is no kung fu maneuver, maguire swings from bleachers. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs. There is more to wizardry than magic missile, even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink in if the target number is five. There is no annoy setting on a phaser. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he is an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out. Not allowed to name my cudgel ceremonial whoop-ass stick. My deest battle cry is not run and live. Or is it you take care of the orcs I take care of the traps? I am not allowed any artistic license while translating. I do not get my superpowers from James T. Kirk. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan. I am not liquid metal. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon. Victory left after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pool crossbow. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial-strength flamethrower. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the negative 10 penalty for a successful cold shot. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana. My bard does not get a bonus to perform as she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard. The elf's name is not LEGO lamb. My swashbuckling flop cannot take the flaw of Dark Secret, not gay. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon. The name of the weapon shop is not Blood Bath and Beyond. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever get my pallet in a dire bore for a mount again. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski. I was not put the Thunder God on the spot again. No making up pole arms. My one wish cannot be I wish everything on this piece of paper was true. There is no such thing as speed polka. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsabers. When any character from a D-20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include system lords.