 Asalaamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh dear sisters and brothers So today I wanted to talk about the tranquil Muslim home, and if you know me, you know, I like presentations Just I'm a visual learner. So I like to Also Bring you along to to work to what I'm speaking about in this way. So Bismillah In order to understand what a tranquil home is obviously we need to look no further than the Quran and so Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala tells us first he defines what tranquility is in many different verses But here's a few of them in a surah al-Fajr. He says Audhu billahi minash shaitanir rajim ya ayyatuha nafsal mutma inna irji'i ila rabbi kiradiyatan mardiyah Right that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will say to the believer. Oh tranquil soul and then return to your lord Well pleased and pleasing to him. So making the connection that a person experiences tranquility by prioritizing the pleasure of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and then it's also a reward that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will give us Tranquility because we are seeking his pleasure. He also says in Surat al-Rum al-Ladina amanoo watatuma innu qalubuhum bi dhikr Allah ala bi dhikr Allahi tatma inna qalub Those who believe and whose hearts find tranquility in the remembrance of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for indeed in the Remembrance of Allah do hearts find tranquility. So these are the definitions Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala gives us for the tranquil soul Now marriage is also connected to this concept of tranquility Mashallah, I know many of the other speakers maybe perhaps one or more reference this beautiful verse That really teaches us about the objective of every marriage. It's to actually seek and Find tranquility in one another and how do we do that through affection and mercy? So there's a lot of these concepts that your themes that you will hear over and over again that tie This objective of tranquility back to being affectionate being merciful being compassionate and we'll explore that more in a moment Other verses also let us know and indicate for us what we should be seeking in terms of you know Just in our relationships, but also from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala comfort right We specifically should look to our spouses our partners to be a comfort to our eyes We should also in order to do that practice gratitude We should be grateful because Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala promises that if we're grateful He will increase us and that we continue to proclaim the blessings because once you lose sight of your blessings you fall into error and In gratitude, which is very dangerous for the soul, but also for the relationships that you have So all of these are practices that will again cultivate tranquility in our marriages Now those are the ideals right and mashallah with again heard from many esteemed teachers already about the ideals of Islamic marriage, but we have to kind of bring it to the modern Crisis and the modern issue and so I wanted to just look a moment look for a moment at The two different types of relationships that we're seeing today And I'm sure there's many iterations and different You know stories that we can share but in a nutshell I think it's very important that we define and understand what a healthy relationship looks like and today even according to researchers These are pretty standard definitions that a healthy Relationship or a healthy household is defined by certain qualities among them are that Everyone in that household feels safe So if you think about that for a moment it brings us back to this concept of tranquility, right? You can't have a tranquil home environment if anybody is feeling unsafe, right? And this is irrespective of factors like socioeconomics race culture education level number of children Or if it's even a single-parent home if you want to see if it's a healthy household Then that's the quality you're looking for does everyone feel safe and for the Muslim home This is predicated on the The the goal that the environment must be one in which the pleasure of God Is a primary collective objective? So that means everybody in the household in order to truly feel safe is seeking Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala and to please him above everyone else above themselves So that is the again just you know In a nutshell the definition of what a healthy relationship or household looks like so in contrast What is a dysfunctional relationship look like and again? I want you to look at the words here and think about why we have this crisis in in our community of broken homes broken families And skyrocketing divorce rates because a dysfunctional households are characterized by incompatibility lack of trust This is a really important financial instability abuse violence lack of communication lack of empathy controlling behavior perfectionism criticism addiction isolation mental health issues Spiritual disconnect so it's really important lack of respect Undefined boundaries with family members Disloyalty and fidelity emotional or physical and I'm sure we can add more but if you really think about any relationship that you know that Has had any of these you will likely agree that it's contributed to To the dysfunctions in that relationship and potentially even the dissolution of the marriage itself so Now I want to also address another Problem that I think is very much a part of why we're seeing these crises is because our expectations of marriage are so flawed You know, I as many of you know, I give talks on marriage as well as parenting and one of the Root issues is that we come to the conversation so late. We're not prepared often times We get in relationships without any preparation But that doesn't mean that we don't have expectations and what are those expectations coming from it's usually informed by Culture by media by whatever else we're consuming and so we have to really address our our presumptions our expectations and and see where the myths lie and what's really What's really real and so the illusion of happiness. This is Something again when people talk about marriage, what is the focus the focus is always on the wedding itself, right? It's the the excitement of marriage is usually very much tied to the celebration of Marriage so we think about, you know, the the big, you know, hall wedding halls the the clothing In all these ideals that we've been maybe especially I'm speaking to the women we've been maybe looking at whether it's bridal magazines or Instagram or wherever else we're we're watching People's lives or or experiences or weddings or marriages We kind of start to shape this expectation that that's what we want to and then, you know looking at also families and and and just believing that There's it's perfect and everything has to be picture perfect. And so when you enter relationships With that again misconception, then you're going to set yourself up to fail. And so that is where again Exploring what are the myths that were commonly taught to have or to expect versus what is reality? So the first I would say is that marital bliss in dunya is attainable. This is a hundred percent of myth It's not attainable because and the reality of which you just, you know, look to the right here is because bliss as a Concept is for the after it's not for dunya. It's literally defined as perfect happiness and great joy We are not in the abode of bliss. This is not the abode that any single person can experience bliss Especially as a as a state, you know, you might have a moment of bliss But to expect that something is going to always be blissful is again A myth it's just not real or that a perfect marriage quote-unquote is a problem free one As we heard mashallah from Mufti Abdul Wahab and there are many other countless stories not just from the seerah But from previous prophets the prophets of God who were chosen people the elite of humanity They suffered right due to their marriages and in their relationships So there that is just again a myth that that that you should not have problems And it's the moment you have a problem that it's now something that you should just discard And that's why we're again finding unfortunately that the move to divorce Comes very quickly for some people because they entered marriage thinking well It should be perfect and I should be completely all my expectations should be met and this person should fulfill every Desire and hope I have in the moment that things become difficult. I'm out the door. That's just again wrong And then the last one would be that the more righteous you are the more perfect your marriage will be As we again heard from our previous speakers the best of creation So the law had he was said I'm dealt with marital problems. So this there's that that correlation just to simply false Marriage is meant to test you so when you adjust your expectations Recalibrate and you start to think that these are real and Allah's power that has placed us in the dunya to be tested And he even tells us that he will test us through our relationships now I have a more accurate understanding and from here we can begin to build and also just a further proof of You know, and I just put this list together But I'm sure I could add on to it if I really gave it more thought that marital problems Address are addressed in the Quran. Look at the different stories of the prophets and just you know And saintly people or other stories that are mentioned in the Quran that actually reveal very serious Issues in households in marriages in families. So this is just further proof that this idea of perfect or Relationships is simply is not true in this lifetime Actually, oops. Well, I guess I was gonna test you but there goes that I was gonna ask all of you if you could give me a Number of what you thought in terms of like, you know, marital conflict, right? What the statistic here says which is basically that most of marital conflicts go unresolved And I think this is really a consolation, right for anybody who's in a marriage and you've been struggling And I know I work with couples all the time who feel like these are repeat problems. My god It's been five years six years seven years This isn't getting resolved that it sometimes starts to wear you down and you just feel hopeless But when you start to again look at what's happening on the ground in households all over the world Then you realize these are human issues. These are this is just you know indicative of our States our condition as human beings and also the test that many of us will experience Which is that likely not everything is going to get resolved and how you deal with that is really Going to make a difference in whether or not you're going to experience some level of again Tranquility or peace of mind or if you're just going to be resisting and in a state of constant anger and frustration all the time because Letting go and surrendering is a very big part of our faith Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala tells us there are things you will not be able to control Outcomes we cannot control you could put so much effort into something whether it's in your marriage or in your children for those of us Who have children we know right that you can spend so much time investing investing But the outcome is with Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala. So learning that That doesn't mean that we don't strive for solutions But I think the reason why this statistic again is important is because it just reminds us that it's part and parcel of the marital experience to deal with struggles and Some of those struggles may get resolved, but some may not what are you going to do about it? How are you going to deal with that running away and just discarding? Relationships isn't always the answer it might sound easy But that opens up a slew of other problems that if you're not really thinking through your decision It may come back, you know to hurt you even greater than the relationship you were in and I know plenty of those stories as well So may Allah just give us again Proper and accurate expectations now With as with anything right when we look to try to look towards solutions We don't look at symptoms Especially you know in a marital situation you don't look at the symptoms you look at the systems, right? Where are the systems flawed? What is it in that relationship that could be corrected in in in our marriages? It's likely because we haven't really Understood the rights and responsibilities and that's what I was saying before is that we don't prepare people properly They just enter the marriage because they're all caught up in emotions and feelings and planning way too far ahead instead of really Doing the necessary work to say wait a second. Do I even understand what I'm getting into? Have I even understood the what's demanded of me before I start to? Draw up all the things that I want right because that's where we should be starting We should be starting from the place of responsibilities like what does Allah subhan that expect from me as a wife What does Allah subhan expect for me as a husband? And when you start from that place and you start to build your understanding then you know Eventually you'll learn about the rights that you're owed But your priorities are very clear that you're more worried about what pleasing Allah subhanu wa ta'ala And so this beautiful hadith is you know one that's used often to help us to find the The proper structure of a Muslim home, but also just leadership in general right where the Prophet says Allah, Kulukum Ryan wa kulukum masoolun anrayati each one of you is a shepherd and there's And is responsible for his or her flock and then he goes on to detail what that means So here very clearly a man is the guardian of his family and he's responsible for them So he's putting the emphasis and the focus on the responsibility of the husband that you have to step into the role of being the guardian of your family And you're fully responsible for their safety for their protection for providing for them all of that That's on the man and then for the woman as well. He the focus is on What she is responsible for which is her husband's home and his children and so these things are very clearly laid out for us And if we really again start from the place of understanding our responsibilities, then we we begin to build a more accurate understanding And here is you know further You know comment or further elaboration about this this point about Shepherding these and how it's It leads to effective leadership and that's why the analogy is so powerful because if you think of the shepherd, right? They have you know, they have to be ahead. They had they they're in a caretaking position And so you must first learn what effective leadership is and again fulfill your responsibilities before demanding your rights And so when we take apart Prophetic leadership, what do we learn? We see that the prophecy I said him in his own life in every role that he had whether it was husband father Statesman spirit, you know profit whatever he was doing These are the you know the the qualities that he possessed he was focused right and he's teaching us to be focused to be responsible To be knowledgeable about what we're doing to be attentive, right to those in our care to be in control of oneself So this is where we have to you know learn how to do that You can't just be this person that flies off the handle and is easily triggered and gets upset with everything You have to have comportment and learn restraint. So learning how to control yourself being resilient Life is gonna come at us hard. There's a lot of challenges. You might have financial issues You might have in-law troubles. You might have issues with your children Can you stay the course and just work through those issues and we'll talk about how we can do that? But you know to be to have that resiliency to be compassionate as well You can't just you know expect be this entitled person that Expects everything to go your way without also realizing that sometimes people, you know, they they they can't always You know come through and and just to have some mercy and compassion in general being patient respectful vigilant consistent humble All of these are prophetic qualities that were taught in terms of leadership But obviously they apply to a marital situation for both the men and the women we all have to Try our best to try to strive for these virtues And then how to prepare for leadership like okay, those are ideals and those sound really great They're obviously prophetic qualities, but how can we do that? Well? This goes back to a term that you've heard me say many times we heard Masha'a sheikh or What the Abdul Wahab mentioned it was just emotional intelligence and emotional intelligence is really important because it's a prophetic quality And it what does it mean? It just means you're able to identify and manage your own emotions in them and the emotions of other people if we don't Cultivate this quality in our men and our women then we'll continue to see our Relationships suffer and so how do you become more emotionally intelligent? Well first of all you start with yourself You have to know your own limitations your own weaknesses your own shortcomings and obviously work towards that just again As our teachers were saying before you can't be at the type of person that says I am what I am that's it Like there's no fixing this that's not the mindset of a Muslim The Muslim is always in the mindset of I'm a work in progress I have a lot of room for improvement and that's something that should be You know that that comes intrinsically from from both the again the husband and the wife That you yourself want to be a better version of yourself always so understanding yourself Well understanding your own needs and then you look to those in your care And what their needs are and you also are vigilant like a lot of marriages unfortunately in my experience have also You know fallen because there wasn't a vigilance and if you think of the shepherd Why is that analogy important because the shepherd has to know the threats the imminent threats towards his or her flock So you have to be aware of is this something you know? Is there something that I have to protect my marriage from this could be other people it could be You know, I mean could be many things, but you have to be at least willing to observe what are the potential threats and dangers for your particular relationship and not just kind of be you know going with the motions because that's when a lot of a lot of people Have have unfortunately, you know things that they they just they were blindsided by because they weren't paying attention and then You know prepare with preventative measures. So this is where education is important This is where experience is important. I was recently speaking to someone about you know The importance of young people especially for any single people listening or watching It's very important that Before you think of marriage or before you find someone, you know, that's not the time to start to learn about marriage It's really important that you start investing in that part of your life way ahead of time And how do you do that? Yes, you can take courses and workshops like this or attend lectures But I think a much better Strategy is to seek out really healthy couples, right? That are maybe a little bit older than you and to start to try to keep them in your orbit somehow We're just you know learn from them watch them observe them look at the how they're you know interacting with each other And and that can be a really great education So that's how we try to you know invest in in preventative ways to protect ourselves in the long run because we're Looking to good models right of marriage and if your parents weren't that that's okay They're human beings, but much a lot there are healthy examples in our community seeking counsel is also really important You know, we have to know when to turn and I can't tell you how many people I have worked with over the years with this they they were their own barrier to help Well either one or both refused to seek help because the ego right the ego is our greatest enemy and Within a marriage. It's very destructive to have someone who's so defiant Seeing their relationship fall apart having maybe daily, you know Conflicts but still not feel something compelling them to seek help That's pure enough and obviously shaitan because he loves nothing more than to destroy the Muslim home So we have to you know put our faith into practice and a dino nasiha the provisional sought out advice So who are you if you think you're better than the provisional I said I'm fear God He literally sought advice out in his relationships so if that's something that is a barrier for you then just realize you are You know destroying your own home by your own hands and God will hold you to account and Then of course we have to rely on Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala be humble and submit to his will So these are how we prepare for leadership And then of course there's continuous ways that we can Self-improve right the prophet some reminded us and I love this hadith because it really speaks to something that we experienced today It's relevant today because we're in the age of social media where it's all about pretense. It's all about optics So people walk around and they put you know as again one of the speakers mentioned like on social media It's all you know the highlight reel of their life because it's image based But you know this is a clear warning the best of what a believing man could be given as good character And the worst of what a man can be given is an evil heart with a beautiful appearance So if you're ugly inside your home behind closed doors, you're an ugly monster But then you're outside and you're just like everybody's favorite person. You're the social butterfly people flock to you That's an effect. I mean, I don't know what else to call it and that is You know, that's this that's what the problem is warning us about don't fall into that Be a person who's more concerned with what as we mentioned in the beginning pleasing Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala That's your priority. And then this is another really important Hadith because what it reminds us of is that there will be times where you're going to be pushed to your limits But rise above rise above don't Fall into argumentation, right? Don't be a person that gives into your what we call or what our teachers call the default setting the default setting of the human being is You know as is low character is because we're we're nafs at the end of the day, right? And that's why when you study the new foods, we have, you know, the the the nafs al-ammar besu is this is the Is the bottom-based nafs that most of us start with right? We're just completely in our appetites me me me It's all about me and then we have to overcome that nafs And when we overcome it and we start resisting we get into what nafs al la wama, right? Which is the it's enough that's challenging it's struggling it's against itself And then as we keep going in that direction inshallah we rise to the nafs al-ammar inna So the default is to be low to be argumentative But Allah's power that gives us so much reward when we abandon those those qualities for his pleasure And so developing beautiful character being upright honest conciliatory peaceful compassionate These are the things that will bring us ease right in our relationships Beautification inward and outward it's it's important that we mention that because you know if you're as they say letting yourself go Whether it's inwardly or outwardly it will cause resentment in the relationship and that and because life is hard and marriage can be sometimes Difficult that's not an excuse to just forget that we are in a conditional relationship when we're married there It's it's it's based on conditions you entered the relationship in order to have fulfillment of certain things and vice versa So once you start slipping and letting go of those things not taking care of yourself whether physically or inwardly then you are Taking the rights of the person you married and so we shouldn't do that obviously we should do the opposite Continuously beautifying our inward and outward states staying focused on bettering yourself Instead of putting the focus on your partner and over managing sometimes and that's very easy to do right We're so quick to criticize others and completely forget that we ourselves have a lot of improvement And I can tell you again from having conversations with many different couples. It's usually a battling it's I mean It's a it's a fight between you know You know Where both sides are trying to convince me the the person between them of who of why the other person is wrong And very rarely do you see a moment where you know one or the other or both will actually be? Completely honest and say you know what? I actually do this this or that It's just always finger pointing and blaming and shifting the plane and blame and deflection and deflection So we have to be more concerned with bettering ourselves and then abandoning the ego They need to be right as we just read from this beautiful hadith Learning to pick your battles. You're not going to win every battle. It's just not going to happen there's going to be times where you are going to be forced to Swallow your pride and to do something for the sake of the marriage for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala That will be something that displeases you but guess what Allah is so generous That every time you do that for his pleasure. You are being rewarded. So is it a loss? No, but your enough will tell you it's a loss because your pride is involved your ego will tell you You know, oh you had to do this for him and then you know Shaitaan of course is going to pour on fuel on that and make it seem like you're a victim and you are forced to do something How about rising above that and saying, you know what I you know I have I have my own mind and I want to I choose to do X Y and Z because it's I know It's for the sake of Allah and that way you overcome your ego But being a person who really just is able to see that it's not always going to go your way But you're still not out of law at a loss when you're doing it for the sake of Allah And then again being humble and remember Allah is all-knowing and will hold us all accountable If we don't behave responsibly in all of our relationships So there's no escaping his judgment at the end of the day you can get things out of people in this life And maybe you think you've won something if you you know if by force or whatever, but if you are taking away Anybody else's rights We'll face Allah's judgment and that should be Something that we keep in mind all the time So now let's shift gears to goals because Whether you're married or again Single and looking the objective again going back to the theme of tranquility is to create those safe and soulful spaces spaces We're truly we feel we want to be home You know if you're running away from your home Because there are problems there that you don't want to deal with and that that can can you know There could be many reasons why but you should hope or you should wish to change course You should wish to try to transform your home back into a space that you feel safe to go to and you want to go to And so how do we do that? Well, we need to realize that you know The marriage a healthy marriage again is when both the couple see that this is a shared path that we want to walk together With it's not one going ahead of the other It's together in unison. We're walking on a path together. That's what marriage is supposed to be So the team attitude is really important. We're complimentary to one another that the Quran says right? We're not adversaries so the power grabs that we see nowadays as a result of you know Third fourth fifth wave feminism and the incel movement and all these other Movements that that ramp up men and women against each other to make us you know hate one another is not part of our faith It's literally toxic You know Ideas ideologies and whatever else political movements that have unfortunately infiltrated some of our community But we have to see it that it's Antithetical to our faith our faith teaches us to see one another in a complimentary way and never to give into this idea that You know we we have to take power or else we will be powerless all of that You know those sentiments and those notions are just not part of our tradition And then how do we do that? What we respect into individual roles and responsibilities as we looked at the hadith of shepherding That's a very you know kind of general hadith But when you look at the examples of the prophesies of them and his wives and all of the other great men and women of our community Their lives are examples of what it means to What what the individual roles are right of Between men and women as we said the men are the maintainers. This is in the Quran You cannot reject that to maintain Their their women. What does that mean? It's responsibility. It's a manna and sometimes the translations and don't listen to the poor Translations if they bother you they they might frame it in a different way, but it's not about it's more about Responsibility than it is about power. So if you're reading into that and it looks like oh, that seems so unfair That's the wrong lens because nothing that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la teaches or has taught us is ever unfair Right Allah is the most just so it's it's about you know Putting men and that's what you know, which we'll get to in a moment But you know having an understanding of putting things in their proper place, right? So the man's proper place in a ideal Muslim home is as the one who maintains the household and He's you know the one that we defer to for those for that responsibility and for the woman It's to again bring that beautiful Warmth that love and inculcate a culture in a home where love is just flowing Between everybody we can't do that if we're absent. We can't do that if we're not at home Right if we're away from our homes all day long We're going to have a very difficult time Managing the flow of love in our homes and that's what we see unfortunately And of course there are some women who just simply have no choice And I'm not this isn't about women who work versus being at home because there are certainly working women who Can do this but it's about attentiveness. It's about really focusing on your responsibility Honoring innate differences, you know, we're living in a time where the gender binary is called into question Which is insanity? It's real. It's true. Our Lord has revealed that it's true. We believe that it's true So what does that mean? Well, there are true gender differences that we have to know men and women operate differently and part of I know the education that I think a lot of men need are on the differences of Women and men in terms of the biological physiological factors women are under immense pressure Physiologically from the start of their menstrual cycle all the way until death And I don't think some women even understand the effect of the constant bombardment of hormones and the fluctuations And how it affects mood how it affects ability cognition Memory there's so much impact and if you as a man don't understand that you're gonna be very you're not gonna Empathy and to towards your wife But if you take some time to study and say wait a second her brain is you know is being flooded by these very powerful Hormones that impact her in so many different ways Maybe I need to scale back and not expect her to create it You know to cook a feast for my guests and then get mad at her and punish her So just practicing that empathy but that comes from knowledge and education and vice versa for for women as well We need to also practice empathy for our men because the pressures that our men go through I mean I would never and I don't say this to insult men But I truly would never trade spaces with the men because the immense a man that they have not only to maintain their homes and marriages But also their parents there are sometimes their siblings uncles and extended family members the responsibilities often fall on our men And then on top of that they have farbed, you know Kiffaya for the community the men are going to be asked about certain things that we don't have to worry about as women So they're under immense pressure when it's time for battle. Nobody's looking to the women, you know, that's I mean Depending on where you are maybe nowadays, but battle is usually look we you know It's the men that are called and so we have to appreciate that they are also under immense stress So when they come home, and they just want ease to be you know not to receive them with that ease is really important so these are how we are mutually Considerate of each other's differences and really respecting the innate differences that we're created with and not trivializing them Dismissing them or erasing them. This is not our tradition. We don't erase what Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has created and what he has also Made very real for us, right? And then admiring one another's individual strengths traits and skills very important to Reflect beauty back on to one another So when you see the strength of your partner that you're willing to complement them to validate them to Magnify those strengths instead of seeing them as some you know some again Source of threat to you. That's that's just your enough If you feel threatened by your your spouses for example, if you have a spouse who's makes more income than you Why would you not see that as a great honor that Allah has given you someone? What about Khadija? Sayyidah Khadija our mother. She was a woman of immense wealth and prestige and status Did the Prophet said him look to her with jealousy for her success or was he? Proud to be her husband and obviously he's the prophet of God. So Alhamdulillah, it's a two-way thing But the point is to not be threatened by these things and then desiring one another success always seeking mutual benefit This is really important. So How do we do that? Well, here's some Again, I know there's a lot of content here You feel free to take a picture if you want But just some very simple things that both husbands and wives can do and everything presented here is mutual It's not one-sided. I try to be very fair because at the end of the day It's it's takes two right to either make or break a relationship So this isn't you know in any way a gendered conversation. It's actually all across the board So mutual respect very important that we respect one another in the way that we speak That we don't demean. We don't talk down to there isn't this whole top-down Sort of relationship model that we create. No, it should be just as the Prophet said him in his own marriage He marriages he spoke to his wives as his partners not as you know as as their boss Or or they are his subordinates. He never spoke to people that way trust honesty compromise And again, you know, we may not have time to go through all of these things But you know just really important another one is individuality This is really important because I see this happen where people enter a marriage and they lose their identity and we're also You know falsely kind of you know, we're taught to look at marriage as this This notion that you come as as a half a person and you look for your other half and no shade to brother Adi who has half our Dean because that's that's very different But I'm talking about just this idea that your partner has to complete you That's very dangerous. Why are you an incomplete person and why are you seeking another person to complete you? I have you know agency of your own to try to strive for for a sense of Wholeness in yourself and then you look to your partner to be your support in that But not the burden shouldn't follow a fall on them to do that for you, right? So don't lose your individuality Have a strong sense of who you are and even in your marriage, you know Your your individual identity is very important if you only become your you know You're you know the wife of so-and-so or the husband of so-and-so and now you're you know in their in their shadow That's going to breed problems But we have to remember Allah span that created us all independently Right and and even though these roles are very important to be a wife and a husband and a mother and a father These are very essential roles at the end of the day. Our essential identity is what? We are Ibad Allah all of us across the board and that means that all of us have to have some individual Identity that we aspire to which is to try to again be the best versions of ourselves that which pleases Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala Good communication. We know that at the end of the day that really is what can Make all the difference is that we know how to talk to one another with respect Listening before we jump in and interrupt and shut down conversations slam doors all the below Where's this coming from this hostility this anger that's uncontrolled? It's because we're not again doing that spiritual work and holding ourselves accountable And also we don't we're not learning how to how to communicate in healthy ways sometimes not every conversation has to be Verbal and I say this all the time if you're if you feel Intimidated because your temperament gets flustered and I know this because I've seen it happen where some people their emotions Override them so they have a lot of legitimate grievances, but they cannot get them out Then don't put yourself in that position where you undermine yourself, and I'm not putting blame I'm just saying find a better way and the better way Maybe to collect your thoughts jot them down write them down or find maybe someone else who can be your advocate And that's you know again where we're turning to people for counsel may be a better option for you then Fighting it then trying to advocate for yourself, but it goes nowhere falls on deaf ears. You never get any Progress so these are the ways that we can learn how to communicate more effectively and then Controlling our anger is very important If you've not done any spiritual work or haven't really studied the diseases of the heart This is a central knowledge before anybody gets into a marriage and I would say before you become a parent Please take the time to learn Tosquia learn the diseases of the heart. There's 25 of them and start to Purify yourself because otherwise they're only going to get worse marriage is is primed to test us So if you enter it with a disease a heart full of diseases Then it will only become more more more diseased. Whereas if you try at least to cleanse Then inshallah Allah will give you to feel so anger is a big part of that And in you know, there are many hadith where the Prophet says him talks about, you know, you know Not becoming angry right that talk dub. He says don't become angry what he's saying because it's sometimes miss Mis-translated is not don't become angry because Like literally obviously anger is a human emotion, but what he's really saying is don't become anger Right. Don't let the anger lower it over you where all you are is anger Because you can feel angry about something you may experience Situations that put you in a state of anger, but if you lose comportment and now you're just this walking ticking time bomb You know bursting at the seams unleashing anger on on your wife husband children In-laws of in-laws are in the home all the belong that means you're you're not doing the work that you need to do in order to Maintain yourself let alone your relationship fighting fair be a person who you know is sticking to the facts of the matter Because there's a lot of gaslighting that happens in arguments and fights where it's like I just want to win It's not even about the truth. It's not even about justice It's about I want the last word and I want to put you in your place because I'm offended by you And I don't like you right now and that's not fighting fair Allah's a witness to all of that So we have to hold ourselves accountable to have some ground rules that when we argue or when we have Disputation that we're going to remain respectful and our objective is to get to the truth not to win for personal Victory what victory is it to win an argument with your? spouse When you go to bed angry with each other the angels are upset or the household is upset What what is that? How is that a victory to anyone? It's not Problem-solving right spouses can learn to solve problems and identify new solutions by breaking a problem into small parts Sometimes you don't need to tackle everything all at once so choose, you know wisely empathy, obviously self-confidence Being a role model and then the last one is also important You know, we don't talk about this enough especially in these types of spaces But it is important because I've seen again a lot of abuse Around that particular part of marriage and it is very important that we honor the rights Especially as it pertains to the intimate rights of a relationship across the board And so taking the time to learn what those are what are the boundaries? What's permissible? What's not permissible and and not ever falling into what we see today very common the weaponization of it Right or the abuse of it. This is not permissible. It is a huge right in the relationship So if you withhold because you're angry at someone you're upset with them And that's your fit a form of punishing them out of the law You will be held accountable the reason why we marry is for protection. There's too much Fitna so your partner is your protection from the evils and dangers out in the world And if you now become the reason why your partner is Is at risk for falling into something sinful you will be held accountable So that's a very important point and I'll lastly leave you with something I like to do play on words or acronyms something that I hope will stick with you because I know there's information overload happens whenever we come to these events, but this is where You know learning that with time with patience with hard work We can create metal and that's you know, this isn't metal as we understand M. E. T. A. L. But metal as a quality because at the end of the day real talk marriage is difficult. It's beautiful It has moments of joy. It has moments of bliss moments It has experiences that are wonderful But at the end of the day it is meant to test us and to draw us near to Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala so we have to be in the long game, right? We have to look for the long game and the way that you do that is you see that There, you know, there's certain qualities and traits that if you spend time inculcating It'll help you to achieve a quality called metal which helps you through difficulties And facing any demanding situations in a spirited and resilient way. That's what we want We want our couples our husbands our wives to be resilient to be again looking toward to you know towards Success and so how do you do that? Here are the ways mercy right inculcating mercy Etiquette manners adab this is very important adab again The definition of it is to know to put things in their proper place. So we speak with adab we Deal with one another with with respect with mutual consideration. Watch your tone. You know if you're snarky if you're you know condescending patronizing You are out of line no matter what you're saying because you're veering away from prophetic character Right if you let your arrogance manifest in the way that you speak This is again the fault is on you you could be saying something legitimate But the moment you adopt character that is out of Prophetic character you're in the fault. That's it. It's like you you undermine yourself So just be a person who's like, you know what? I'll stick my ground I'll state my things But I also am going to be very mindful of the way that I relay those things and that's where etiquette comes into place And then trust, you know, it's very important that we have Trust within our relationship. So secrecy. I mean suspicion is directly mentioned in the Quran Not to be a suspicious person, right? It's Haram this we know but there's also something to be said about creating a Relationship where trust is clear, you know, if you are behaving suspiciously if your phone you never part from it You all your passwords are locked. You can never know your spouse can never even go near your phone I'm sorry. That's highly suspective behavior And we shouldn't do that So building trust means open communication means having, you know This this feeling like I I know that this person I can count on them I don't you know sit. I don't I don't worry about them. There's honesty. There's trust and then of course tranquility That's what we all want That's a byproduct of having good etiquette and building trust is you just feel very safe You're going to feel safe in a relationship where those things are happening and then on the other side of it mercy If I am compassionate towards my spouse Then that brings them ease and when they are in ease guess what? They're going to be more loving and it's this beautiful cycle that it's just you know, all sides are all Every all parties are satisfied and so this is these are the aims, right? If we just put this into motion this wheel of metal Then inshallah, it'll give us the tools and the skills to continue the course Again marriages is a path. It's a path and it's a beautiful path. It comes with hardship like any Path does right? It's very difficult to travel in any meaningful way without Coming upon some challenges but when you get to your destination and You can stop along the way to those vista points and you see really beautiful things Hey, it makes the journey all worthwhile and that's how you want to look at marriage Our destination is to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. It's a gift to be married And it really is and we should we should want marriage and we should seek marriage and nobody should feel like oh because I've been married before I'm It's not marriage is not for me or I'm too old marriage is not for me Leave that door open to always and of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala I've seen beautiful relationships come with people for people who are who kind of maybe never thought it was possible for them But we just surrender to what Allah plans for us. We don't plan, you know, especially for the future What do we know? Right? So we surrender but insha'Allah may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala protect all of our marriages insha'Allah And I really again want to thank all of you which is akmal al khayran