 Hey Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure, with Chuckles with a Carload and Music by Maddie Malvec. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, but Abbott and Lou Costello. Hey! Where have you been since early this morning? Well, I'll tell you, I've been working for the Red Cross clicking money. Oh, that's very commendable, Costello. Yes, I get 10% of what I collect. Today I got $150 and then you got $30. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute! If you get 10%, how come the Red Cross only got $30? And you got $150. I don't know, just lucky, I guess. Well, I'm glad you're spending your time at something useful. Well, I didn't work all day. I sneaked into a movie theater, saw a French movie. Abbott, I wish I could get into the movies. I tried like Lana Turner, I really did. I sat on a drugstore stool all day sipping sodas and wearing sweaters and nothing happened. You did? You didn't? Yeah, I guess I shouldn't have worn those short sleeves. Yeah, I wish I had a girl like Lana Turner. Oh, Costello girls are like, take my wife. She's just a rag, a bone, and an anchor head. Boy, you really went in the junk business, didn't you? I don't know why you even talk about girls with you. You'll never have a girl. Oh, yeah? Well, I got me a new girl right now. Tomorrow morning I'm going to take a boating. Boating. You and I, you and I are going to take over Kevin Boating. You know about sailing boats. What I know about sailing boats? Yeah, what do you know about sailing boats? I know a lot. Abbott, get a load of this. Batting down the top sail, lowering the mismatch, heave the anchor, heave the anchor, and scrub my back. Scrub your back? Yeah, I learned to sail boats in the bathtub. Oh, get him out. Boys, get any further involved in nonsense. Here's a thought that makes good sense. When you stop that noise, where have you been all week? I've been looking for it. I was home, Abbott. You won't believe this, but I built a television set. What'd you build it out of? I took some bed springs from my mother's bed and made some coils. Then I took a whole lot more wire from my mother's bed springs and wound it around the coils. Then I got a piece of glass for a screen and I looked through it. What'd you see? My mother falling through the bed springs. You idiot, you know nothing about television. Maybe not, but my brother Pat invented a television set for all of my B.O.'s. They could have put him on a dashboard of every car in Hollywood. How can a man drive a car and look at a television set and watch the road? In California, who watches the road? No. There's no sense talking to you, Castello. You and your brother Pat and all the kids in your family are a bunch of morons. Now, just a minute, Abbott. Morons. Just take a look at this picture. There's me and all my brothers and sisters. And you can tell by that picture that my mother didn't raise any morons. Maybe not, but your father must have been pretty busy. Go ahead and laugh, Abbott. You might as well. The audience ain't laughing. Yes, it is. Never mind that. I still say you're a moron, and I can prove it. I am not. All right, then. Why do you go to bed every night in a swimming suit? I have to, my hot water bottle leaks. It's a shame, a boy that comes from a nice, as nice a family as you do. A lovely mother, out of seven children, you are the only knit compoop. How did that happen? I don't know, I'm just lucky, I guess. I think you take after your uncle Mike. Poor uncle Mike. He's in bad shape, Abbott. He is? Yes, he is. I didn't know that. He lost his job, spent all his money, and then started hockin' things. Oh, I was too good. He hocked his gold teeth, then he hocked his toupee, his glass eye, and now Aunt May is suing him. What for? Dessertion. She says there's more of him hanging in a pawn shop window than there is at home. Castella, you'll never amount anything. Is that so? My only last night, I heard that I was one of the most handsome comedians on the radio. One of the finest actors on the screen. And the answer to every woman's prayer. Who told you all this? Where did you hear it? I talk in my sleep. That was a wonderful dream, though. Last night, I dreamed I was one of the three musketeers. There they were on a desert island. Me, Rita Hayworth, and Haley Lamar. Wait a minute, wait a minute. The cast of the three musketeers are all men. Abbott, when I dream, I do my own casting. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. All day long, you chase girls. And at night, you dream about girls. Yes. And now I'm writing songs about girls. I wrote a song about a girl a day. What's the name of it? It's entitled, If You Were the Only Girl in the World and I Was the Only Boy, Who Would I Play Handball With at the Y? You were songwriter. You don't know the first thing about writing songs. Songs should be sentimental. The kind of songs that make money are mother songs. Oh, I wrote a mother song. What's the name of it? I call it mother. Mother, don't fall for that chiropractor. He's only pulling your leg. Would you like to have me sing it for you, Abbott? Sing it? Oh, no, no, no. Don't tell me you're a singer. Mother, don't be pulling your leg. Now, wait a minute. No, no, don't tell me you're a singer, too. Oh, sure. I used to be a member of that great singing group, The Sons of the Pioneers. Why did you leave them? I ran out of saddle soap. I thought so. You can sing a note. Yeah, but I'll have you know right now that I'm attending singing school. Which one? It's called the Hollywood Conservatory of Voice Training and Plumbing. Plumbing? Why does a singing school teach plumbing? Well, if your pipes get stopped up, you can fix them yourself. Hey, Uncle Bud. Hey, Uncle Bud. It's Abbott's nephew, folks, the Gregory pick of the Sunset Bullenollies. What's on your mind, nephew Norman? Uncle Bud, they just got a new girl to play the part of Porsche on Porsche Face's life. And the director of the show sent me over to get Castello to come over to the studio right away. Do they want me to play opposite this girl that's going to play Porsche? No, they just want to test her out, and they want her to get a good look at you, Uncle Lou. What for? Well, they figure if she can face you, she can face life. You know that effed nephew of yours is a lovely boy, Abbott. Now, folks, the day he was born, his mother took one look at him, went out and put a porcupine in the stork's nest and said to the stork, now we're even. Why do you always mean to Norman? Why don't you get friendly with him? Invite him over to your house, Lou. Well, maybe I will. Send him over to my house Saturday. Him and me will play Jackson. That's fine. Yep. Then I can let the car down on his head. Ah, you're just jealous of Norman because he has such a fine reputation. He's not like you. He wants to make something of himself. All you do is stand around all day and make goo-goo eyes at the girl. Why do you make those goo-goo eyes? You know me, Abbott, when I got a goo, I got a goo. Well, you'd be better off if you found some nice girl and got married. Well, I thought I'd found one, Abbott, but thank goodness I found her out in time. What do you mean? I discovered that she was planning on having a home and children and domestic security. What's wrong with that? Don't you get it? She's a gold digger. And besides, I don't want to get married. Shame on you. Shame for that remark. Marriage is a wonderful thing. Marriage is an institution. What do you mean an institution? But who wants to live in an institution? Ow! Marriage is a three-ring circus. What do you mean a three-ring circus? First comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then suffering. Oh! Never make a good husband in the first place. You don't know what a husband is. Who wouldn't make a good husband? You don't know what a husband is. I don't know what a husband is. A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after a nerve has been killed. I have a marriage law. Marriage is a wonderful thing. Marriage is the unit of law. If I can find my place, I'll be with you, sonny boy. You don't have to find it. I'll explain it to you. Marriage is the union of two hearts beating as one. Marriage is what brings complete happiness to men and women. Ask any married couple and they will tell you that marriage is the most wonderful one. Just a minute, Abbott. All the kids are asleep now so you can tell the truth. The trouble with you is that you've never met a girl that would have you. I did so, I once sat with a red head for the past six months. Every night I used to meet her under a broken street light and we'd hug and we'd kiss. Well, what happened to her? I fixed that street light Saturday night and I haven't seen her since. I thought so, I thought so. No girl would marry you. You have nothing to offer a girl. If Hilda God would marry me, I'd have something off of her. Now what could you give Hilda God? A last name. Hello, boys. Well, it's our charming secretary, Viola Vaughn. Viola, you look charming as usual tonight. Oh, thank you. And I'm glad to see you both looking good. Castello, you look exceptionally well. Thank you, Viola. I feel right in the pink. You are? Yep. My blue ones are in the laundry. Viola, how about stepping out with me tonight? Viola, don't want any part of you, Castello. You go with too many girls. Yes, Abbot's right. If you want to go steady with me, there are two things you'll have to do. Okay, what are they? You'll have to stay away from all the fat girls. Okay. And you'll have to stay away from all the skinny girls. Just a minute, Viola. What about all the pretty girls in between? Don't worry, they'll stay away from you. That's telling him, Viola. That's a good one. Oh, shovel the almonds in the wagon, Abbot. I'm driving him nuts tonight. Watch yourself, Viola. Gracie Allen would just love to have two shows. Castello, you're just jealous because Viola was a great actress. Yes, he's right, Castello. I started off in Vogueville. Then I went to musical comedy. Then I got in pictures, and then I went into radio. Can't hold a job, no please, can you? Viola, I just can't seem to resist you. Luke Castello, how dare you kiss me? I was just trying to steal a little fruit in the Garden of Love. You wouldn't know it's a meter from a watermelon. How could I? I never kissed a watermelon. Well, that was quite a kiss, Castello. You know, you're not like other boys. Viola, I haven't told that before. By whom? Boys. I've got to go now. I'm taking rumba lessons. Oh, Viola, how do you rumba? Well, here, I'll show you. First, I put my arm around you. Then I throw my left shoulder out. Then we take a step, and I throw my left hip out. I got that. Now what part do I throw out? If I had your parts, Castello, I'd throw them all out. Well, we have the fun, folks, just as many laps yet to come. But first, listen to this. Now the spotlight turns to how winter's our singing star. Here he is with Matty Malick and his orchestra. Look up, look up, when everything's looking down. Whenever you're low, let everything go. Come out of that gloomy frown. Look up, whenever those clouds are graying. It's gonna be fine whenever that sun starts chasing those clouds away. There's no shaking, you're bound. Just try a smile or two, but whatever you do. Look up, look up, don't ever give up the fight. When everything's wrong, it's never too long till everything turns out right. Look up, look up, when everything's looking down. Whenever you're low, let everything go. Come out of that gloomy frown. Look up, look up, whenever those clouds are graying. It's gonna be fine whenever that sun starts chasing those clouds away. Smile or two, but whatever you do. Look up, look up, don't ever give up the fight. When everything's wrong, it's never too long till everything turns out right. Hey, Costella, Costella, come out here. What were you doing in the dressing room? Hacking, Abbot, I'm getting out of California. I'm disgusted. Every year the same cold, rainy, lousy, unusual weather. Get so now you don't know what kind of clothes to hack anymore. Before you leave, you better pay your income tax. Oh, I just got my tax blank from Washington. Them 1949 income tax blanks are printed on paper with real sharp edges. I noticed the sharp edges, edge paper those income tax blanks have this year. I wonder what that's for. Well, they figured that after you've filled it out and see how much money you got left, you can cut your throat with it. Did your uncle Mike make out his tax returns? Yes, he earned $30,000 last year, but he had a tax accountant figure his tax and he only paid the government 75 cents. Hey, I'd like to get that accountant to make out my tax. Where can I get in touch with him? Just call Sam Quitton and ask for number 211-869. Now Mike should have made out his own tax. Do you know how to pay your tax, Castella? It's very simple. You just got out of the income tax brewer? Yes. There's a guy sitting there with a big patent principle. He's a tax collector. Yes. First, he takes all the money you made last year. Yes. That's all. He just takes all the money you made last year. Would you please talk, Sam? What's that you have in your hand? Is that a tax blank? Nope, it's a fan letter from one of my Sam Shovel fans. What is your Sam Shovel story about tonight, Lou? Well, in keeping with the income tax season, Abbott, I will do one of my famous income tax cases. I call it the case of the striptease dancer who was arrested for income tax fraud, or she took off too much for entertainment. Well, that sounds interesting. Let's do it. Now, the hooping company, makers of the famous remedy for cold hooping cough drops, presents your favorite detective mystery, Sam Shovel Private Detective. But first, a word about our product. Folks, get a box of hooping cough drops today. It's the only cough drop that contains carbolic acid. Put one in your mouth and watch your cough disappear. Also, your tonsils, your tongue, and your teeth. Friends, hooping cough drops have instant action. Listen to how they work. Here is a man suffering from a bad cold. I'll say I got a bad cold. Ha, ha, ha! Give me a whooping cough drop, please. I will now give this poor man a hooping cough drop. He swallowed it. And now, sir, tell us, how do you feel? Just wonderful. I feel good. I gotta speak to the factory. They're making those too strong. And now, hooping cough drops proudly presents that thriller of thrillers, Sam Shovel Private Detective. Yes, I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel Private Detective. Well, I gotta go to work now. I gotta knuckle down and write some letters. I hate to knuckle down and write letters. It ain't easy writing letters with your knuckles. I think I'll dictate to my secretary, Viola. Yes, Mr. Shovel? Take a letter. Uh, W. Wrong, I had G. What are we doing? I wanna dictate it later. Dear Mr. Harrington, I've been working on the Harrington case for five years, Mr. Harrington. I've enjoyed working on the Harrington case, Mr. Harrington. You are one of my best clients. And, Mr. Harrington, you can count on me. My best to Mrs. Harrington and to you too, Mr. Harrington. Who shall I send it to? Rudolph Schlumpheimer. Rudolph Schlumpheimer. But, Mr. Shovel, you told me you were going to write to Mr. Prunefurter today. Okay, then send it to him. Mr. Shovel, are you sure you're feeling all right? Sure I'm all right. Now, you're going right. You can go now. We'll be back to work. This detective business is very interesting. Last week, I solved the case of the missing coal miner. I hunted for him for three weeks, and I found him. He was hiding one of John L. Lewis' eyebrows. I look on my calendar. I've got to go to court against my dentist today. Every six months, I bring my dentist to court. I believe in that old saying, sue your dentist twice a year. My pal, Lieutenant Abbott, a homicide squad, is going to help me on a case. You've got to admire Lieutenant Abbott. He's worked hard for the police department for 20 years. He's managed to put aside a nice nest egg. He ain't got a dime, just a nestwood egg in it. Hello, Sam Shovel. You're late. I couldn't help it, Sam. I just made an important arrest. Some tramps were cooking a pot of coffee next to a fire hydrant. And you arrested them for that? Certainly. He was in a no-perking zone. Hey, Lieutenant Abbott, Lieutenant Abbott, I caught them thieves. Sam, this is one of the department's new traffic officers. Sergeant Murphy, Sergeant, how'd you catch those thieves? Well, sir, they were shooting up Sunset in a new Hudson, going 90 miles an hour, and I forced them over to the curb. What a chase. Good work, good work. I hope you didn't damage your motorcycle. Oh, I'm supposed to have a motorcycle. Never mind him, Sam. I need your help on an income tax case. It's Gertie, the queen of the gamblers. She listened to you, you know her. You were kids together. Yes, gambling, Gertie. Even when she was a kid, she was a gambler. I remember how I used to help her carry her bookies home from school. Were you in love with her, Sam? Yes, but it was just puppy love, and she broke it off. When did she break it off? Soon as she found out I wasn't a puppy. Sam, we're wasting time. Gambling, Gertie has been defrauding the government on her income tax, and we've got to go to our place and arrest her. Come on. Lieutenant Abbott and I went down to gambling Gertie's joint. As we walked in, there she stood. I spoke to her. Gertie, it's nice to see you. You look lovely with those long, tapering legs, and you're sleek, well-rounded form. You look as smooth as glass. Sam, this is me over here. You're looking at the water cooler. Sam, play up to her. Remember, we're after information. Go ahead, give her a kiss. Gertie, you're as sweet as ever. Oh, Sam, you haven't changed a bit. I can see the love light in your eyes. Come to my arms, Sam. Let me put my head on your shoulder. Ah, that's it. Now put your arms around them. Oh, that's fine. Now, Sam, put your head close to mine. Ah, Sam, you're so sweet. Sam, why don't you kiss her? How can I? She's fighting me. Oh, Sam, I want to kiss you in the worst way. Try it with a mouthful of bubblegum. That's the worst way. Enough of this, nonsense. Gertie, you're under arrest. We're taking you to jail. You made false statements on your income tax. What false statements? Oh, that's your line, excuse me. $10,000 for dresses charged to entertainment. Dresses are in entertainment? The way I wear them, they are. Gertie, you're going to jail. Oh, Sam, Sam, you can't let them take me to jail. Oh, think of it, me all alone in jail. No one to love me, no one to hug me, no one to kiss me. Oh, think of it, beautiful me all alone in jail. Sam, come back here. Where are you going? I'm going to get my hat and go with you. Get him out of here. Now, before Aberton Costello have their final fling, we bring you one more thought on this subject. We're not finished yet. Aberton, I'm in a hurry. I got to get home and finish my new song. You're writing another song? Yes, and it's a dandy. It's so sentimental. It's about mother. A mother song, eh? What's the name of it? It's entitled Mother. When I saw you sitting on the whistle of that train, I knew you were out on a toot. Yeah, dummy, you'd better leave writing to the boys. You're right, our show. Folks, our writing staff is headed by Eddie Forman with Paul Conlon, Pat Costello, Martin Ragoway, and Len Stern. Yes, and to our producer, Charles Vander. We'll be back with you next Tuesday night. Thursday night! Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody at Patterson. Good night. Listen, everybody, Thursday night at this time for another great Aberton Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC