 Well hello and welcome to Jonathan from the Heart. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. Our topic, why can't men speak up when they're unhappy in the relationship? Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos and at any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button. Lastly, these are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony. Very similar to the videos I shoot in my group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you get direct access to me on a regular basis. We do a once a month webinar. We have a Facebook group and in the Facebook group if you post a question I'll shoot a video just for you. So check out the link below in the description and in the first comment. Alright let's talk about why men can't speak up when they're unhappy in the relationship. So you know it's kind of interesting. I was recently watching a video from a couple that did this whole grand kind of this or this man who did this grand proposal for a woman and it was just so elaborate and it was on video and it was so spectacular and then I find out a few years later their relationship ended. And I'm sorry I shouldn't even be laughing but I'm laughing because of the grandiose and we oftentimes enter into relationships from this grandiose perspective because in the beginning we're oftentimes driven by lust and limerence and we feel connected to another human being and as the relationship progresses we see a deterioration of relationships as time goes on. Two people begin to not or couples begin to not communicate with one another their feelings about the relationship and oftentimes this is a result. I mean it seems it may seem like it's coming from the male perspective. I know for many of you women it might feel like that's what's happening. And this is sadly because most couples enter into relationship really not understanding the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship nor have they developed the tools to actually communicate with one another in a healthy happy way. Let me repeat that. And by the way for those who can't stand me repeating I like to repeat things. Most couples do not have the tools to communicate in a healthy happy way. Now here's the thing about men that I think is most important for many of you to understand is that most men were taught to stuff their feelings as children. Let me repeat that most or let me let me reframe that. Most boys when we were growing up were taught to stuff our feelings. You know we were told to be a man keep it to yourself. You know in fact most men have used more of an aggressive type of approach in life you know with physical sports and that sort of thing. And so with men we've been taught to repress our feelings from a very you know from a very early age. And so as we progress it might seem like when we're in that early stages of lust and limerence. And by the way if you're not familiar with what limerence is I highly recommend you Google it. But what it means is extreme infatuation extreme infatuation. And so this is what many couples experience. And we oftentimes look at the chemistry piece as the most important aspect of a relationship. In fact most people enter in a relationship hyper focused on chemistry without recognizing the three other more important pieces of a relationship. And if you've ever seen my relationship iceberg here's a copy of it. I hope you can oops upside down. I hope you can see it says relationship iceberg. Okay at the top is attraction and this little top part of it is chemistry. And as you can see below the surface is shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And what happens is most couples are most couples enter into relationship in the beginning phase of chemistry and they lack they might lack they might have some shared values they might have blendable lifestyles but ultimately it's the emotional maturity. Where most couples struggle in and oftentimes men are labeled as emotionally immature emotionally unavailable. Now I want to differentiate between emotional maturity and emotionally unavailable because as I said a moment ago most boys were taught to stuff their feelings so on some level men enter into life being emotionally unavailable from a deeper perspective. Okay. Let me repeat that most men enter into relationships actually very repressed in their feelings. Now this is because both men and women suffer childhood wounds and traumas. I'm going to repeat that child and wounds and traumas that go unhealed as an adult. And so what happens is if those traumas and wounds go unhealed they become magnified when we have adult traumas and one of the most significant adult traumas for those of us in midlife is divorce. Divorce is a very traumatic event and it requires like this you know this separation of the tapestry you built in together and for many people many women alike they don't know how to navigate this very traumatic effect event especially if it was a contentious divorce. Now I shared with you I'm going to say to you why men don't speak up when they're unhappy in a relationship and this is where I want to lean into this piece right now is that most let's face it men have been labeled the provider protectors in relationship. I say we've been labeled that's kind of the narrative that we've heard over and over again from the cave man days that men are provider protectors. And so what happens with a lot of men is they enter into relationship and then what they do is nest into the relationship nest means they're not going anywhere because we've been indoctrinated into this provider protector type of perspective but has nothing to do with leaning into the emotional aspects of a relationship. I'm repeat that we might be there from the physical aspects of relationship but not the emotional aspects of relationship. And isn't it kind of fascinating that 75% of divorces are initiated by women. Because think about that when you know men get labeled commitment phobic and yet they're the ones that that don't ask for divorce nearly as much as women. So how can we how can we address this because that's really the more important conversation because I want you all to recognize that men struggle to communicate at an emotional level. This is one of the reasons why I'm a big proponent of men and women alike doing the Hoffman process the Hoffman process. I talk about this in my videos frequently that you may want to check out the book the Hoffman process. Okay. And by the way my cup to my coffee mug today is the Hoffman process. I actually did this eight day experience in Northern California a couple years back. And it was allowed me to address my childhood wounds and traumas. But I want to give you some insight on how to avoid how to avoid being in a situation where a man can't is afraid to share his feelings to open up to express that he's unhappy in the relationship because many men are very stoic kind of like look and I'm wearing Batman today. I mean he's the quintessential provider protector and stoic human being but he had practically no emotional side. By the way if you're fan of a Batman please let me know in the comments below. And by the way really quickly I dress like this this casual way I'm not wearing a suit and tie I'm not selling you on some million dollar idea of what human beings are because the reality is in most humans are actually very casual in life. They're not flamboyant other except for on their Instagram accounts. So I'm just expressing myself in this particular way. But going back to addressing childhood wounds and traumas and now for you ladies I want to invite you into something else as well. Now many of you know I wrote a book called what the heck is self love anyway what the heck is self love anyway. This is a journey of personal development self help and spiritual work by the way you can get the copy of the book in the link below. This might have your brand new to personal development self help and spiritual work. This might be a great start to start leaning into your sovereignty your self worth your self esteem. So you can actually be a victor in your relationship. You can be that person that can hold the fort from an emotional perspective because what I said earlier. Men tend to focus on the physical aspects of a relationship. I don't mean physical as in the physical aspects of having sex with one another. But I'm talking about the home the structure of a relationship. And I've often said women are the emotional leaders of a relationship. I'm repeat that women are the emotional leaders of the relationship. So I want to turn you on to two books that I think will make a big difference in your life to help you get a man to open up. So you don't have to wait till you're ready to file for divorce or break up the relationship because he's not very expressive in his feelings. And I highly recommend reading the book non violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I love this book because it teaches teaches people how to communicate their feelings in a way where you can be seen heard and understood. And I'll be candid with you. This should have been titled Compassionate Communication. The reason why it's called non violent. It's because we often times when we communicate with one another we attack one another instead of coming at it from a loving place. I'm repeat that we attack one another. Think about that. The minute you say to someone they're wrong you've you've attacked them. And so that's the component of the non violent piece. And what I mean is the violent piece. And what their the suggestion is to come at it from a loving place. I want you to go deeper though now in relationship. And ladies I've said this I said at a moment ago I'm going to say it again. You are the emotional leaders of the relationship. And it starts by leading by example leading by example being the container of the emotional aspects of the relationship. This is why I highly recommend reading the book. I love this book by Barbara DeAngelis. How to make love all the time. How to make love all the time. This is a paperback book. Look how thick that is. There are nuggets in here. Juicy nuggets. That if you begin reading this in your partner begins reading this. I mean let's hope that's the case. You'll actually be able to start to do this. You'll be able to start getting closer and closer together from an emotional perspective. And when you become really close you create a tight bond with one another. That's very hard to break. Because when someone's unhappy in the relationship. It's because there's been a deterioration in real intimacy. I repeat that there's been a deterioration of real intimacy. And if you're not familiar with intimacy. Intimacy means into me you see. Into me you see. And ladies look at. I get that you just heard this narrative about men and I could simply say what and you might be saying well what about us women. And I get it as young ladies you've been objectified as a little girl. It's all been based on beauty and for men it's all been based on being strong and stoic. And this is where we're actually kind of screwed up in the way we're raised. Now thankfully this narrative is beginning to change for the younger generation. But for those of us at midlife. And those who follow my work know that midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So most of my audience is between 42 and 69. And we have our group called midlife love mastery. Again there's a link below to check out the group. We discussed the deeper conversations that required. Because the reality is is most dating advice is centered on this this section. Attraction and chemistry. And it's not the deeper things of shared values blend of the lifestyles and emotional maturity. And sadly many of you ladies are choosing men who are deeply deeply wounded. And you're thinking oh well you can just heal him. And then he'll just be your hero. Listen folks. You can't heal someone else. They have to want to choose to heal themselves. This is why even going to the by the way when I went to the Hoffman process which was 40 people in the group there were 20 men and actually I believe there were 20 men and 19 women in our class. You believe that 20 men and 19 women. Now why I'm saying this is wasn't 80% women this wasn't 90% women. And this wasn't by design. It's wasn't they don't they don't choose people by gender. So the fact that men are actually doing their best to heal on the inside exists. But if you want to meet a great guy would go to the Hoffman process. By the way let me tell you a quick story about that in fact. I when I was there on the last night we got to share what we did for a living because we were very quiet with one another. It was very introspective work. And one of the women said to me when I first got here Jonathan there were two men I was attracted to you and this guy who looked like the Marlboro man. And she said to me after the end of the event she said I would date every one of these guys because I got to see their heart. Ladies this is the real challenge is that men often times don't feel safe to actually express themselves. Most men are good people. They're just they're bad at this because we've been trained as boys to study been trained to be Batman. And not love man. And when I'm or maybe heart man maybe that be better we've been trained to be Batman and not heart man. And so I want to invite you to step into being the emotional leaders of the relationship look at some of your relationships are too far gone and it makes no sense to invest in that relationship in fact in many cases that's that's probably the case. I'm speaking to those of you are single looking for love and you're just entering into relationship because if you can start from the very beginning you have a greater chance of having success. So you don't have to worry about watching a video just like this that says why can't men speak up with their unhappy. The reason why is they don't feel safe and quite frankly the emotional bond was never created right from the beginning and that's what I want to invite you to do right from the get go. Is this sinking in is this resonating please let me know post a comment below if you have a question post a comment below I do my best to read all of them. If you have any content you want to add please post it below I really do appreciate it. All right I think this would be a great place to wrap up our video today and if you know me you know I first start off by giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pat teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it we can all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now.