 Let's try that again, shall we? Hello there, my beautiful, lovely internet friends. I come to you today with a new tool and a lot of feelings about it. And I wanna be honest right off of that and say that I don't love that I am feeling the kinds of ways that I am feeling about this lovely, beautiful, fantastic new aid that I have. But I do think that being honest about what we might actually feel is a good place to start. I hope to look back on this video a year from now and think, wow, Joe, you have grown a lot. Your thoughts and feelings about how you see mobility devices have evolved and changed. Good job, girl, but we're not there yet. I got a wheelchair, which I'm really grateful for. And I also feel super gross about. And I feel gross about the fact that I feel gross about it. So let's chat. So earlier this week, one of my dearest darlings friends, Anika, the amputee. You can check her out, the link's down below. Flew out to Colorado to bring me her old wheelchair. And by old, I mean it is still absolutely in fantastic condition, it works great. And I'm incredibly grateful for it because if I'm being honest, this is something that I need to have. Realistically, I probably should have learned how to use a wheelchair on my own, like, you know, a decade ago, but I haven't. So Mr. McNabbins here is having a lot of problems. I'm having a lot of nerve pain. I just had some issues. I kind of tweaked my knee the other day. It is becoming really difficult to use my prosthetic leg all day every day because of the amount of pain that it causes. Still really good days. I can go hiking, I can walk. You know, I can get myself about, but it is really taking a physical and emotional toll and using a wheelchair that's actually built for me that I can, you know, propel myself about that isn't pushed by someone else is a fantastic tool. I can take my leg off, it relieves stress, it relieves pressure, but I have resisted that with every bone in my body because since the age of like 13, when I initially broke my ankle, started having surgeries, I've had a certain perception about using a chair that I don't feel comfortable saying out loud, but I'm going to anyways. I've been so against them, even at points in my life when it would have really been beneficial to use one because I wanted to use my own two feet, even when two feet were gone. I wanted to get myself about on my own. I wanted to stand up and be eye level with people. And though perhaps not a conscious thought, an underlying one is the idea that if I'm using a mobility device like this, that is more obviously different than the average person about in society that I will be seen as less or that maybe I would see myself as less. And I've let that belief stop me from getting and using tools that I genuinely need. I feel like as a member of the disabled community and especially someone who has a presence and a voice on the internet, that I should probably have worked through this a long time ago by now. We're kind of all raised with this idea that being different is not great period. Being disabled is definitely not great period. And then the more visibly disabled you are, the more not good it becomes. I think that's an idea that most of us get from age zero onward. So as I've gone through my whole surgery and limb loss journey, I've always been very vehement about like, friends were like, hey, we're gonna go walk around target. Do you want me to grab you a chair so that you don't have to walk? Cause I can see that you're limping and your leg is hurting. I'm like, no, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm great. When I'm obviously not, and that would be very helpful to me. The only times I've allowed it are like being wheeled out of the hospital to my car before I start using my crutches again after surgery or like in some very, very rare situations. It's long overdue that I face and work past those feelings. But I think it's important to acknowledge them before I can actually move past them. But I've come to the point in my life where I've realized things like this are necessary and are going to be necessary. And I think one of the painful things about sitting here in this fantastic item that by the way is purple and super pretty. I don't know if you can see that, but I really like it. It's purple, purple's the best color. I don't care what anyone else has to say. Like sitting in this is a reminder that the mobility that I have most days isn't gonna be forever. And not that I ever thought it was because I know that my body will degrade over time and that over decades of using a prosthetic, like I'm probably not gonna be using one at like 70 if I happen to make it that long just because like I lost my leg at 28 and things happen and things happen in your body. Like I knew intellectually that I will need more help as time goes on. But coming to the realization that time is now is not something that I love. And honestly, more than any like societal perception, I think the biggest reason I haven't wanted to get and use a chair is because I'm afraid it will change how I see myself. Because realistically what other people think doesn't matter and I don't care that much on any given day, some days more than others to be fair. But I think that I've put a lot of myself worth or how I see myself, like my self identity and image in what I can do. Going hiking, going snowboarding, being able to just walk around and coming to terms with the fact that yeah, I can still do those things but I'm gonna need to take breaks and I'm still gonna need to do things and this is a great tool for that is a hard pill to swallow. And I don't like that it's a hard pill to swallow because it means that I too have been infected by the ableistic, is that a word? I think it is. By the ableism that exists in our society telling us that using mobility devices is not as good or worthy as walking on your own two feet. But I don't have two feet and when I do have two feet, it causes me pain. And thus I began the journey of deconstructing. The idea that this is somehow bad and here's the thing, like for instance, my friend Annika has used a chair around me very often and I never once thought that she was weak or less. I don't see people in public or my friends online and think that like, oh, you use a chair that's never ever conscious thought towards other people but when it comes to myself, there's a block there. When it comes to myself allowing myself to use these things that would be helpful to me, I have resisted it for way longer than would be healthy for me, than would be beneficial for my body. And so I'm taking the first steps is the wrong word. I'm taking the first ride today towards changing those beliefs and confronting in myself feelings that I don't feel great about, that I don't feel comfortable with and trying to begin to understand that using a wheelchair does not make me weak or less. As I use this probably pretty quickly, I will get to the place where I feel good about it. You know, there was a brief period of time where I felt very self-conscious and weird about using a press that I like mostly just like with all the stairs but I worked past that pretty quickly and I think that this is also a mental hurdle that I can get past but damn, is it challenging? Okay, so let's talk like logistics, right? So I moved into this house about four months ago. I made the decision to live here pretty quickly. I like that I can just sort of like coast around as I'm talking to you. It's probably a little dizziness inducing, isn't it? So there were like one level houses that I looked at where I was like, oh, that would be better for my body but I chose this house because I liked the feeling that it has when I walked in. It felt very peaceful. There's a giant backyard for my dogs but I really should have put more thought into where I was living because this is not an accessible house. My bedroom is upstairs, trying to get the dogs outside. There's a couple stairs. The doorways are barely big enough for me to get this through like I'm scratching them every time I'm going and so I'm trying to figure out what to do and I think I'll give it some time, right? Like I'll use this inside for a while, see how I feel, see what modifications can be made here to make it easier for me but I'm not sure if I will be able to stay here. I'll probably finish out my lease, breaking my lease would be expensive to try to find a new place but I will let my body dictate that. You know, if it's causing me too much pain to try to like be mobile and go up and downstairs and let the dogs out on stairs then I'll definitely consider seeing if I can make that happen. It's funny, but like when I signed the rental agreement on this place, I was like, I know this isn't good for my body but I don't care right now because I need a place that I feel like I can recover and breathe and be and it's gonna be fine. Breaking news alert, it was not fine and I'm really hoping I don't have to move because that would just be, that's just a headache. We all know moving is a nightmare. Here's the thing though guys, when I sit down in this and I start moving about the house there is this like physical sigh of relief because I'm like, oh, I don't have to take another step which doesn't feel great. I already kind of feel some of the physical benefits of this and I'm kicking myself with the one good foot that I have that I did not do this sooner because it feels good. It is helpful to my body and I'm really glad that I have this. Working through some of the mental hurdles isn't comfortable but it never is and as not great as I feel about some of the thoughts that I have about my chair, I'm really proud of myself for using it. For saying, no, this is something that would be good for me and thus I'm gonna use it and trying not to assign any like good or bad or strength or weak value to that because realistically, that stuff doesn't matter. It's all about what's gonna work for me, what's gonna benefit my life, my body, what's gonna give me a higher quality of life. However, I do feel like, don't run over puppy paws. The dogs are not quite used to the chair. They're like, mom, what are you doing? And they don't get out of the way. I feel like she needs a name because I've named every piece of mobility equipment that I've had my prosthetic legs. I almost just fell over again. I gotta learn how to actually use this without cracking my head open. But I feel like maybe we should have a live stream or a Patreon poll or something like that to name her. Because she is benefiting me, she is benefiting my life and she deserves a name, gosh darn it. So with that being said, I think the dog's gonna bark again, yep. So with that being said, thank you for listening. Thank you for hearing me out on some feelings that I don't like that I have, but I do think it's kind of honest to say them out loud because I have a suspicion I might not be the only person who has ever felt this way. And also it's really hard to work past something and deconstruct ideas that you're not willing to admit that you have. And so saying this is where I'm starting from, it's really important to me. I also feel like there are like cool wheelchair tricks that I could learn how to do, but maybe I should learn how to like get around effectively without falling over first. With that all being said, I'm gonna go make some breakfast because it is 10 a.m. on a Sunday and I've only had coffee. Thank you. Thank you so much for hearing me out. Thank you for listening to you watching this video right now. I truly appreciate you spending your time here with me today. You could be anywhere else in the world doing anything else and you chose to spend eight, 10, 12 minutes, however long this video ends up being. You're listening to me talk and I really appreciate that. To my patrons over on Patreon, thank you so much for your continued support. You guys mean the world to me and enable these videos to be made. Thank you. I love you guys. I'm thinking about you and I will see you in the next video. Bye guys.