 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic of a man is using you. He'll say or do these six things. You're gonna learn about these six things men do when they're using a woman. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence. So if an F-bomb or two is in your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions, by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. One last thing, my channel is for those who are genuinely seeking partnership in their life, not casual relationship, not hookup relationship, not friends with benefits. If you're seeking partnership, that's the demographic that I'm speaking to. All right, we are talking about a topic that is actually very uncomfortable, the idea of being used by someone. Just even the title of itself, in and of itself bothered me because I don't even like the idea that we should even be talking about this and yet at the same time, I think it's vitally important to understand not only what someone says or does to you, someone that actually lean into why this happens and why this is so prevalent today. And for the last couple of videos, I've been leaning into a conversation you might have noticed where I think what's happened in our dating world is these devices has bastardized the dating process and particularly the swipe dating apps, the swipe dating apps. And I say this as a person who used to completely believe in online dating and I certainly believe in it back in the day when it was a lot simpler where you could use your laptop to connect with someone. And yet now with the swipe applications, I think that's changed everything. And I wanna spend a minute talking about this because when I think of when the idea of dating apps began, the idea was, and it was really an ingenious idea. It's a Thursday night, maybe it's Thursday, Friday, Saturday night, you're out with your friends and you happen to be at a bar with your friends as an example. And you can literally go onto a dating app and put like a one mile radius to see if there was any single person that was looking to meet. And what was great is you did it in real time. You swiped each other's picture. And again, it was really for those people that were right around the corner from where you were at in that moment. And you would meet up with them, say hi, get to know each other in a little bit more of an organic way. And yet now this has become one of the primary tools people use to connect. And it's no longer based on just meeting someone immediately. Now the dating apps have a predatory nature to them, even the companies themselves have set it up that you're literally that hamster hitting the pellet, hitting the pellet, hitting the pellet for the dopamine rush. I noticed some months back, I happened to swipe on an Asian woman who was very tall and lean. And then all of a sudden, all these Asian women of the exact same stature were popping up on my screen and it never happened before. That made me wonder why is this happening? Now I'm just saying this unusual demographic for me just based on one swipe. And then so what I realized when I did some digging is the dating apps are designed to manipulate you. Now they say it's in your benefit and yet there's a lot of harm that's going on. And I'm not even an expert at this, I'm just aware that this occurs. So what's really happening with the idea of being used and what's happening is today that women in particular are, I don't like saying victimized because I don't wanna go down this road but there is a predatory nature to some men out there that they can swipe on you. They can start to love bomb you and love bombing is just this excessive, desire to wanna connect with you. Now that's usually based on limerence or lust, and in this love bombing, all of a sudden you kind of think, oh, this person likes me, this person genuinely likes me. And then all of a sudden you find that you're intimate with this person in a very short period of time and then they all of a sudden disappear. And this is the new term is called ghosting. Well, I'm here to say folks, ladies, it's time for you to put the brakes on, put the brakes on sex if this is, by the way, a lot of women made it difficult for you because they made it easy to have sex. Well, don't give into this. And what I mean to say is folks, it takes about a hundred hours of face to face time, face to face time, just to get to the first stage of trust, of really knowing that this person actually genuinely has feelings for you. Well, Jonathan, I'm in a long distance relationship. No, you're in a cyber relationship that has distance and you might be communicating a lot, but until you physically start doing things together, it's going to be very problematic because a relationship is built. Well, listen, I understand cyber relationships exist and many people feed off of that. I'm not here to judge that. I'm here to say if your outcome is to actually be in a face to face relationship, the long distance cyber relationships are very difficult because until you're actually face to face with one another, doing things like going out on dates and having conflicts. And I say having conflicts, running into situations that create conflicts and see how you navigate the two together, it's going to be very difficult to actually build a bond and men don't bond through the telephone the way women do. Women tend to fall in love between the ears. Men fall in love through their eyes for the most part. So it's incumbent upon folks, I'm here to say, if every woman today just stopped having put the chastity belt on for three months, men would shape up, but that isn't going to happen. And yet, sadly, many people are being used and maybe you're not aware of it right now. So I want to draw attention to it and give you some of the signs that you might be in a dynamic right now. I don't even like to use the word used because here's the thing. It's very human nature to want our own needs met. Let me repeat, that's very human nature to want our own needs back. So the dating process is already set up for that because when a person goes on the date, are they doing it for you or are they doing it for them? And I invite you to look at it as well. Do you date because you're doing it for the guy or are you doing it for yourself? Well, Jonathan, I spent all this money to get at this outfit and I got my nails done and hair done and I spent all this money. That's why he should pay for the date. Folks, you didn't do it for him. You did it to attract him. You did it for yourself. Let's call this shit out for what it is, okay? Yes, you did it to entice him. That's why I can't stand that rhetoric when I hear, well, he should pay for the date because I spent all this money getting dressed up. Well, I get it, but by the way, first, second or third date should be very casual. You shouldn't go out of your way. You shouldn't spend any more money that you would spend when you go out with your girlfriends or your family to go out to meet someone because it's not a date, it's a meeting. It's just a meeting. By the way, I wanna thank Robin for the super sticker right now. I really appreciate that. Okay, so let's talk about some of the signs, some of the things men do when they're using you. So, and by the way, what I wanna say is, ladies, you're guilty as much as men, okay? This isn't singular to men. This topic happens to be, but women use men just as men use women. They just, it's just human nature to do that. So I'm not here to throw men completely under the bus, although I will tell you, and I said this in my video this morning that I shot my shorts. I said, basically dating apps have replaced, basically replaced prostitution. I'm sorry, there, I said it, okay? Because literally you can love bomb, you can swipe a couple people, love bomb a few people, take a few people out of date, have sex all in a short period of time. And that means they don't have to go to prostitutes to get that. Folks, it's time, listen, ladies, there's an old saying, men are the gas, women are the brakes. It's time to put the brakes on men. And by the way, men are listening to my videos and they are cringing at this. They're like, you're giving away all our secrets. Dude, you don't have, you're a simp, you're giving in to women. No, I'm here to say someone has to stand up for you. And I'm your big brother. If I could be there on a first date with the shotgun pointed at the guy's face and saying, what are your intentions with my sister, I would do that. And any man who's watching this, if you have a daughter, I really want you to think, is your behavior, some of your men, not all you men, because there are good men out there. Most men are good guys, they're just bad at this process. But for some of you men, I invite you, those guys that are users, would you want your daughter used in the way you use women? I hope to God not. And I hope to God, God gives you daughters if you are that person. I'm yelling, okay. Let's talk about those six things men say or do when they're using you. Number one is they don't open up to you. He avoids personal questions. This could happen very early on in the dating process or this could happen after he's hunted for you and gotten laid, okay? But he stops sharing his personal life with you, whether it's early on or in, once the relationship, if you're in a relationship, it starts to get a little bit seasoned. Folks, if someone's not opening up to you emotionally, are you really in a healthy relationship? A healthy relationship, listen, let me be clear. People could be in dependent relationships, meaning you could be dependent upon another person financially, predominantly financially. So I know you might have to compromise yourselves, but for those of you that can financially take care of yourselves, I'm here to say, if a man isn't opening up to you, that's a sign that he's just in it for his needs and not your needs. And that's what using is. I'm just in it for myself. And by the way, guys rationalize this by saying, well, I gave her an orgasm. So he got to ejaculate inside of you, but the fact that he might have given you an orgasm because you might have faked it, he thinks he's the hero and he is given to you. He's a giver because he gave you an orgasm. And yet every other facet of the relationship, he is just a weakling wimp. This is why ladies, I say this over and over again before the penis goes inside the vagina. Read the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. This is a lifesaver. Save your life today by this book. I hope to God the Gottman see that I've been pitching their book for a solid year. I mean, I don't know. The tens of thousands of dollars I've direct their way and I make no money from it. You know, I'm not, you know, I don't work for them. I just love this book. So before the penis goes inside the vagina, purchase that book. All right, number two, he doesn't ask you about your life. He doesn't ask about you. Remember I said earlier, listen, in the early stages of hunt, men, the shit that comes out of men's mouth is amazing. It's amazing. And what I mean to say is they could seem like they are the perfect gentlemen and they're genuinely interested in you. It's so fascinating to me how quickly that changes once they had an ejaculation. And folks, if you're in a relationship with someone and he's not inquiring about you from an emotional level, then you have to ask yourself, is it all about his needs? Because you have needs too. Everybody has needs. And I want you to really, and by the way, ladies, you have a terrible habit of stifling your voice, of not speaking up. When I wrote my book, by the way, there's a link below to all the books I recommend. When I wrote my book, What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway? A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help and Spiritual Work. Chapter one is Speak Your Truth. Just do it with kindness. And chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So ladies, don't be afraid to speak up if you're afraid you're gonna lose him. Because here's the bottom line. You can only lose the wrong person. Can't lose the right person. All right, number three, he doesn't protect you. He doesn't protect you. Now, I don't mean from the physical sense. I mean from the emotional sense. Folks, do you know what trust means? We oftentimes think of trust in the area of fidelity. But trust is really, does this person have my back? Does this person have my back? That's what trust is. Can I really count on this person? Can I really count on this person? Do I know they have my best interest at heart? That's why I said it takes about 100 hours of face to face time. And if you don't feel like you can count on this person, then why does his va- dick get to go inside your vagina? I have pop, listen, I know I sound graphic. I'm gonna, it sounds like I'm an alarmist. I really don't like being this way as an alarmist, but I'm trying to encourage you to wake up and stop settling for men who are not really genuinely interested and there are good genuine men out there. I gotta tell you, I know personally, dozens and dozens of really good men in great relationships, they do exist. It just requires you to ask better questions in the dating process. And if you need help with that, check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. My area of expertise is teaching you how to vet out the wrong guy sooner so you can invite the right guys into your life. And there are good men out there. It's just, listen, we are in a dysfunctional world. We're in a dysfunctional world, particularly here in the United States. And if you're not familiar with my emotional maturity relationship skills chart, okay? By the way, this is not a fact as an opinion, but roughly 20% of the population here has clinical issues, clinical mental health issues. And while I say 20% are emotionally healthy, I'm being rather generous with that. Most everyone is dysfunctional. So what causes people to be dysfunctional? Maybe they had significant childhood wounds and traumas. Maybe they watched their parents go through this horrific divorce. Maybe they witnessed, you know, maybe they lost a loved one in their life and they felt abandoned by that love loan. What if they lost a parent? What if they went through a traumatic divorce because it's not childhood traumas, it's adult traumas as well that causes humans beings to be very dysfunctional. And I think it's really important to understand that, and by the way, I'm speaking to all of you as well. This isn't men, this is human beings alike, okay? Cause ladies, you're no picnic either. I think the men watching this right now will appreciate that. You can be just as fucking dysfunctional as men. This isn't singular to a gender. This is a human condition because most humans haven't been raised to have good communication skills, but Jonathan, a relationship is all about communication. You can be as equally bad at communication as men. What is communication? Vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency. Listening to the other person's point of view, accepting the other person's point of view, being more concrete instead of vague in communication, not being defensive, not being critical, not being coming from a place of contempt and not stonewalling someone. Those are just some of the examples of communication and you wonder why we're in a dysfunctional relationship world. All right, number four. Okay, so I wanna finish number three, protecting you. Protecting you emotionally. I can't be there for you. And ideally that's the kind of guy you want that is actually genuinely caring about your feelings. Is this sinking in, is this resonating with you? Please let me know. Number four, you've never met his friends or family. He makes excuses. Oh my God. Now, some people have family that live out of the area, but everybody has friends. If you haven't met someone's friend, listen, if that penis went inside the vagina and you haven't met this guy's friends, that's a sign that he doesn't really want to invite you in his life. He only wants you at his beck and call. Just invite you to look at that. Number five, he doesn't go out of his way to do things for you. You know, when I wrote this down, I was thinking about my significant relationship after my divorce. I think we were about a year or two into the relationship and she was doing a, she was a doctor, a marriage and family therapist and she had to go to a difficult part of town to do a radio show. And I lived 30 miles from her and she called me up and said, what are you doing today? And I mean, I was working. She said, would you come pick me up to take me to this tough part of town? So I mean, it was an hour drive and she, you know, I had to drive and where we were going was an hour drive, but I dropped everything because going out of your way for your partner is an important part of a relationship. It's not sacrifice. It's the enrichment you get by being part of a team. So just recognize if he's not going out of his way for you, that's a sign he might just be in it for himself. And last but not least, and this is the most, this is the, this is the one that stands out the most. He's putting off being exclusive or avoids the conversation about exclusivity or the future. He avoids the conversation about the future. Folks, do not have sex with a man who's not your boyfriend. And if he puts out, well, you know, I'm not into exclusivity, you know, I like to, I just like to go with the flow. I just want something casual. Then guess what? Your penis doesn't get to go inside my vagina if that's the way you operate, dude. Have some boundaries for yourself. Set some higher standards. Don't give in because you just think that you'll lose this one precious guy out of the eight, four billion men on the planet. Is this sinking in? I hope so because I am riled up because I don't want you to be used. I don't want anyone to be used. Man or woman alike, I just wish we could come out. Listen, there's the way things are and the way you wish they are. I have a prayer for the way they wish they are. I just accept things the way they are. My prayer is that you invite that emotionally healthy man in your life. But let me tell you something, ladies. It's gonna require you to become emotionally healthy first. This is why I highly recommend doing the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive of healing the childhood wounds and traumas that makes you choosing the wrong men over and over and over and over and over again. And by the way, one last thing. Keep in mind, today we're meeting total strangers. And if you haven't read Malcolm Gladwell's book, Talking to Strangers, we know nothing about the people, barely know anything about the people we're meeting today. You better be a fucking Colombo detective because guess what? You're putting your emotional well-being at hand. You're putting your emotional well-being at hand. And I wanna read you something I posted on my Facebook group. Bear with me today. This is about dating apps. According to the University of North Texas study, dating app users experience more mental health problems than non-users. These mental health issues could be related to regular rejection and frequent self-doubt. Essentially dating sites contribute to feelings of hopelessness and loneliness. Look it, is the problem the dating app or the problem the user? I think there are manipulatory predatory aspects of dating apps, but ultimately you the user, you are in charge of your destiny. Don't leave it up to a guy. But Jonathan, I'm supposed to sit back in my feminine energy and let the guy lead. Ladies, you don't have, you can't count on anyone until you actually can trust them. So my invitation is you are in charge of your relationship destiny. Don't give it up to the guy. If you're in agreement, give me an amen. All right, folks, I think that covers a lot here today. If your man is using you'll say or do these five things. Just as a reminder, he doesn't open up to you. He doesn't ask about your life. He doesn't protect you from an emotional level. You've never met his family or friends. He doesn't go out of his way for you. And lastly, he does avoids the commitment talk or the exclusivity talk. All right, well, this is my live stream. So we're now going to do the live Q&A for those that are here listening live. There's a little chat box here. If you have a question, post the word question and write the question there after or purchase a super sticker, super chat like a number of you have. Thank you, Miss Sunshine. All the monies from the super sticker, super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. That's my son who passed away a few years ago. And in his honor, I've started a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development and self-help for those who are in need. And also to donate to charities or to organizations like the Hoffman Process and Insightseminars.org. Insightseminars.org. Check that out right now. This will change your life. And if you're listening to the replay, you won't be able to see any of these chats. I need one minute to open a window because it is blazing hot in here. So everyone start to write your questions, write the word question and then post the question there after. And I am going to take questions. Oh, folks, I got to tell you something. I'm really sad at the way dating is today. I'm very sad at these dating apps and I've been a participant to this. And I'm guilty of my own selfishness in dating. So I got to take ownership as well. So my hope is that you choose emotionally grown up men and hopefully if you check out the work below on my description, maybe I can help you as well. All right. So Janie says, why aren't there any guys who are gentlemen anymore? So I think there's a fallacy as if the past was great. Let me just say this the any more piece. Men have always been on the hunt for sex. It's just back then we had, okay. So one of the things that's changed and this is a really important question. One of the things that's changed is up until about 60 years ago, there was a consequence for having sex. There was a good chance you could get someone pregnant and then you were financially responsible for them. This goes back to Neanderthal days, okay. So what happened in the 60s when the birth control pill was invented, it gave you women amazing power to be in charge of your lives but it also took away any responsibility associated with sex because there was always the potential of a nine month delivery in an 18 year obligation. So when the birth control pill was invented and it gave you women more power, which is great for you, it made sex a virtual easy commodity. It used to be that sex was like diamonds. Well, now it's like it's not even copper. It's like getting free water at the grocery or at your water tap because you ladies give it up. So why are men not gentlemen because you're not standing in your power and saying, I won't have sex with you until I actually genuinely know you. So is it the chicken or the egg? Men have always been pigs. You know that. What do men always think about on a first date? We think about getting laid. You've known this goes back hundreds of years ago. Men haven't changed. It's you ladies have changed. You've made it easy. Why buy the cow if you're giving the milk away for free? And I'm not, this isn't, this isn't shaming you. This is just the reality as I see it. This isn't. So listen, if you want to change that narrative, then maybe, listen, I got to tell you, I get so many women writing me. They say, Jonathan, I've been dating this guy. We purchased this book, eight dates. We purchased two copies and we're reading it together before his penis gets to go inside my vagina. And the men are loving this. They're actually growing up. So if you want to be with the gentleman, introduce the book. And if he says no, thank you. He's not your guy. You can move on. Thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. By the way, did my answer, understanding the birth control pill help folks? Do you really get that? That changed the whole game. And guess what? You got to let that shit go. All right, let's see what we've got. By the way, purchase a super sticker, super chat will be so much easier for me to find these questions. Cause you guys are rattling off questions right now. All right, question from Lisa. How long should you be dating a guy for him to call you his girlfriend? I've been seeing him for four and a half months. Lisa, has his penis gone inside your vagina? He should call you his girlfriend before that happens. Okay, that's the time. Before you have sex, there's an agreement of monogamy. Listen, if you're gonna have sex the second time, there better be an agreement of monogamy and exclusivity because the reality is you can have sex first time and be off sleeping with someone else. It's if you're gonna have regular sex, that's the time. And if you're having regular sex with them, then you should have done it much sooner. I hope you, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you should know that one. Folks, if you don't know that one, there's a little bit of a problem with that. Nancy says, do you think a matchmaking services are worth it trying out rather than online? So it's interesting you all say that. So I have a confession to make. I have a date tonight that was fixed up by a matchmaker friend of mine. I'm gonna give you her website. Everybody, someone here write it down for me, okay? Her name is Julie Furman. La-Julie, last name, F-E-R-M-A-N. Someone write it in the chat box, F-E-R. Her website is www.Julie, J-U-L-I-E, F-E-R-M-A-N.com. Julie called me up. She has what's known as a mitzvah match, which means there's two, she's, I've been a friend of hers for years and she has a, not even a client yet, just a reference or resource for her. Said, Jonathan, I think she'd be a perfect girl for you, or woman, I should say. Well, we got on the phone last night and I said, you wanna meet today? So I'm optimistic. I don't know, we'll see. Julie Furman.com, F-E-R-M-A-N, also known as Cupid's Coach. I highly, if there's any matchmaker I'm gonna recommend on the planet, she's the one. Do I think they're worth it? I know she's not a taker. Julie's not a taker. I know a lot of predatory matchmaking services out there. They're like anything else. It's a roll of the dice, but who knows? It's worth investigating, Julie Furman, F-E-R-M-A-N.com. And that's Cupid's Coach, check her out. So Nancy, thank you so much for that question. I appreciate it. All right, I wanna thank Sophania at 71 for the $20 super sticker that is so sweet of you. Let me find that. Thank you so much for sharing. Oh, the Connor fund, yeah, I'm so excited. All right, someone wrote down, okay, everybody, Julie Furman right here, write that down. Okay, it's right there in the chat, okay? All right, let's go swimman. All right, woo, we got lots of questions. Folks, it's easier for me to find this if you purchase a super sticker super chat. Lucy says, question, I met a great guy a month ago who is reading eight dates with me. Folks, see, I told you, we share the same values, lifestyles, but I don't feel sexual attraction, no less. Questions, should I leave them? You know, I'm not qualified to answer that question. That's something you have to ask for yourself. I think that's a tough one. I mean, and sex, you know, it's interesting. You know, how much time do we actually spend in the bedroom versus we spend with a person? It's not as much as we think, and yet it feels like the most important aspect of a relationship. You must have liked them enough to go out with them for a month and actually introduce the book. So there must be something there. But I'm not qualified to answer that question for you. You have to take three deep breaths. Right now, take three deep breaths, answer the question. Do I want him? If the answer is no, I think you have your answer. Pray on that one. Prayer, prayer, prayer. That's a tough one. I'm not qualified to answer that for you. No change, no more says the biggest problem are manipulative people on those dating apps. There are good people on the dating apps and there are manipulative people. Yes, I agree. Question, what are your feelings about? Oh, we already said that one. Thanks, okay. Oh, Daniella, thank you so much. You're amazing, Jonathan, so honest, thank you. Don says, what's a realistic timeframe not to sleep with a guy before he goes crazy? Look it, certainly date one, two, three or four. I'm not, listen, are there exceptions to the rules? Absolutely, but date one, two, three or four. I would say by the time you get to seven, eight, nine, 10, there's a better chance, you know? Again, a hundred hours of face-to-face time is a good amount of time to build trust with someone. It depends if you have family. By the way, it depends on how safe you feel with a person. Do you know each other's family? Do you know each other's friends? Is there a couple degrees of separation? Is there like literally no degrees of separation between you or is he a stranger? If he's a stranger, the more a stranger is, and okay, if he doesn't have a social media footprint, you can't look him up at work, the more you can't find out about a guy, the more you need to vet him. So you gotta ask the right questions. Just the other day, I did seven questions to ask before you get exclusive. Watch that video, it was the one I just did two days ago. So look that up, seven questions to ask before you become exclusive. But I would say by the time you start getting this seven, eight, nine or 10, that's the time where you gotta kind of shit or get off the pot. Look at our previous person, Lucy. You know, she's saying after a month, she's not feeling it. So sex is part of the decision-making process, whether we like it or not. I just want you to hold off having sex too early. That's why I scream at the top of my lungs. All right, thank you, Don, for that question. I appreciate it. Hey, Cynthia, question. He goes to me recently after seven months. I asked for more time together and he agreed, but then went silent. No sex, he was married 30 years in divorce for a year. Did I dodge a bullet? What do you think the answer is? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who's unafraid to speak to you to tell you what's going on? I wonder how strong your relationship was to begin with. Because let me tell you something. A man will rarely ever ghost a woman who's actually his friend, his friend. Folks, most likely this happens because the relationship was very, I'm judging here for a moment, Cynthia, but it was probably a surface level of relationship. It didn't go deeper into intimacy. If you're not familiar with the book, Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, I highly recommend reading this. I highly doubt you had a very intimate relationship. And I don't mean penis and vagina intimate. I'm talking about emotional intimacy. And you may want to check out the book, folks. This is a great book called I Hear You. Surprisingly, it's a book that I'm going to read surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationship. By the way, there's a link to Jonathan recommends books. By the way, if the book I point out is not on there right now, just click on the link and then jump on to Amazon because you want to look at all the books I recommend. Cynthia, my suspicion is your relationship wasn't that solid to begin with. Because if it's solid, it's very hard. By the way, I want you to think about this for a moment. Think about marriages back 100 years ago. When you lived in the same town. It was hard to go someone when you lived in the same town. You knew each other's family. You knew each other's friends. You knew each other's siblings. The siblings, like when people had community covering them, it was a deep root of trust was built. A deep root of trust. It made it difficult for someone to ghost you because there was a repercussion to it. There was recourse. There was a penalty you paid, a price you paid. It's time to stop being so fucking naive here. Take charge of your life. My guess is your relationship was very weak at best. Folks, don't let the penis go inside. God, I'm repeating this one so much today. It's because it's, do you get it? Do you get how important sex is? And how under, so many people undervalue it? There was a reason why people got married before they had sex because that was a commitment that through thick and thin we're gonna work through shit out. But you're giving the milk away for free and then you're complaining about it because your sister, by the way, women are doing it. Maybe you're not doing it, but most women are doing it. So why don't you ladies band together, put that chassis belt on for three months and you'll shape guys up? I mean, look it, I'm saying this a little bit tongue-in-cheek. Okay, I mean, it's how realistic it is that it's not but you can only be in charge of your life. You can't be in charge of others' lives. So that's my invitation for you. All right. All right, let's keep going. Cathy says, yes, Betty says, yay, Jonathan. All right, Betty says, what if his tongue gets in there? Look it, any body part in any orifice, that is danger zone. So penis inside the mouth, vagina, or ear doesn't count. Fingers inside the vagina or tongue inside the vagina, when I say it doesn't count, what I mean is all of these things are form of sex. The only thing that's allowed to go is tongue to tongue. Your tongue, you're allowed to kiss until you get some level of commitment. Heather, you sweetheart, thank you for the super sticker. You're wonderful. I really appreciate it. All right, Jonathan, I agree with you 100%. If you tell a man upfront that they're not going to sleep with him until you know him, it'll weed out the ones and they're only in it for sex and we'll run for the hills, exactly. Someone, Rhonda says, nobody guides us anymore. It's a shit show at 60 years of age, dating men in relationship for years and they didn't want to commit. What are we supposed to do? Listen, the most important relationship you ever have is the relationship with yourself. If you're not familiar with Esther Perrell's work, she wrote the book called Mating Incaptivity, Mating Incaptivity. She says the most important relationship you ever have is the relationship with yourself. Folks, when my son passed away, Connor, oh, that's one of my favorite pictures. When he passed away, I looked deep inside myself and I said, I'm gonna grieve with love. And I started to explore, what does love really mean? What does it mean to love? What does it mean to love yourself? And so when I began writing my book, here's a copy of my book and Connor is so throughout this book, oh, I wanna show you guys something. There's a picture of him in the back of the book. There you go. His nickname is Salty. He inspired me through his loss to encourage everyone to begin a practice of personal development, self-help and spiritual work because that's a vaccination to emotional chaos. I'm gonna repeat that, that's a vaccination to emotional chaos. It starts with loving on ourselves because look at the odds become increasingly harder to find a mate as we age. I'm sorry, youth is youth wasted on the young but we are still a very egoic selfish way of operating. There's, I mean, the latest term I'm hearing is sexual market value. What is, basically we are still human beings at a primitive level. Women are looking for men of status and men are looking for women of looks. Not specifically but biologically speaking. So at the end of the day, what matters most is the relationship you have with yourself and why loving on yourself is going to be the antidote to whether you attract a mate to your life or not because at the end of the day, it's learning, listen, for the last four years I have not been in relationship because I've been really spending this time developing a relationship within myself. I mean, sure, I've had lots of tragedy, losing my mother, losing my son, losing my father or not losing my father but my father moving out of the country. And I had to find myself to be able to be in a healthy relationship. I had to learn the communication skills. I've been working at this for over a decade. Many of you have terrible skills. So work on your own stuff, learn to stop saying we use I statements, read the books I recommend and whether you find a relationship or not, it's gonna be okay because the relationship you have with yourself is the one that matters most. Hope that helped Rhonda, thank you so much. All right, let's keep swimming. Once again, thank you for that $20 super sticker. I really appreciate it. Lori White says, question, Jonathan, I'm trying to change men's attitude about having sex on the first, second date. How do I change men's attitudes that they deserve sex before they drove to you and bought you dinner? It's not your job to change their attitude. It's your job just not to give it. Okay, it's as simple as that. That's your job, just don't give it. Let's keep swimming. Okay, Julie, I wanna thank you for the $2 super sticker. The question is, how do I end a first date or how should you? How do I end the first date? If you're in a first date and you wanna leave, you simply say, Tim, I wanna apologize. I don't feel comfortable staying here right now and I'm gonna honor myself and I'm gonna go home. I don't feel comfortable here right now and I'm gonna honor myself and go home and I just wanna wish you the best. Short and sweet. If you don't feel comfortable, then speak up in a kind, loving way and then go home. That's just my suggestion. All right, we got a lot. Oh my God, there's just so many. I can't keep up. Heather, thank you again for that super sticker. You are a sweetheart and I saw another one here. Okay, Tim, 1138, $20 super sticker. Connor, yay! You should open a matchmaking site and vet these bastards for us. Might keep your blood pressure and frustration with us reduced. So I would love to do that, but it's a very expensive proposition to set up a matchmaking service because the amount of people, it's a very labor intensive job and most of you would not, it would cost tens of thousands of dollars per person and there's such a limited database to get it going. That's why dating apps kind of took over. It's an inexpensive, look at most dating apps are free. It's an inexpensive way to be manipulated by them, but that's another conversation. So I would love to do it. By the way, so by the way, I have clients now, the clients who hire me. One of the things when they're starting to date someone before they actually have sex with a guy, they make them talk to me. If you want me to vet the guy, I'll do it for you. Easy peasy, you find the guy, I'll vet him once you're before you have sex with him. Is that a deal? Is that a deal? Sign up to a free discovery called in with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Thank you so much. All right, whoa. Oh, Nikki, thank you so much for the super sticker. Oh, you guys are so great, Connor, yes. Oh, wow. I gotta, we got lots of questions coming in. What advice do you have for giving a guy a second chance? Previously, he said he had to handle some family matters. I have a dear, a female friend of mine. We just became friends recently. And she was dating a guy and he loved bombarded to death. And then, of course, they, and then he totally pulled back. But he's still making some effort, so he hasn't totally ghosted her. She says, I will forgive you, but the price is higher. She didn't actually say that to him, but she learned that from her mom. Her mom used to say, I'll forgive you, but the price is higher. I love that, I love that, I love that. So the standards, the price went up before you get sex again with me. You have to prove it. So that's something we need to discuss. I need to know a lot more details about the guy. So, but that's, I'll forgive you. Someone write that in the chat box. I'll forgive you, but the price went up. I love that. Ladies, Jonathan, we have to first get the guy to agree to talk to you. You know what? Yeah, you do. I'm your big brother. Just say my big brother wants to talk to you before your penis gets to go inside my vagina. All right. Sean says, thank you, Jonathan. Okay. All right, let's keep swimming. All right. Let's keep swimming. Let's keep swimming. Remember, write the word question or post their question there after a purchase of Super Sticker. It's easier for me to find. Let's see. Oh, bump, bump, bump. Okay, write the word question so it's easier for me to find. Oh, Vicki says, oh, Connor. Ah, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. All right, Susan writes. Question. My ex was addicted to porn and I found out. He watched it behind my back. I was extremely hurt. Relationship was over for me. Am I okay in ending that? So we do have an epidemic of porn addiction and that a lot of men have substituted. By the way, there are a lot of men that are not having sex with women these days when they use pornography as their way to stimulate themselves. I think what's most important is having conversations. So you feel betrayed because he does it behind your back. What if you guys did it face to face? What if you did porn together? I'm just throwing it out as an idea. I'm not saying it's the right idea but I'm just throwing it out there. I'm not an expert in this area but what I would prefer to do is say we talk about it and watch porn together. It depends on how healthy your sex life is. By the way, how healthy is your relationship? Are you fully committed to each other? Do you guys see each other on a regular basis? Have you met your family and friends? Is there genuine intimacy? Usually someone who goes for porn is because something's missing in the relationship. That's what you should be addressing. Not what he's doing but what's missing in the relationship that causes him to go there. Or maybe just join in on the porn with him. That's just a suggestion, Susan. I hope that helps. Thank you so much for that question. All right, folks, this has been a blast. I think this will be our last question of the day. Oh, by the way, Pamela says porn addiction makes men impotent. I will tell you, I don't do porn. I used to but I don't do porn anymore because it totally fucks up your desires. So I do get that. Michelle says question, husband dated for me for eight months when we separated from me. The one date I said I don't feel to be intimate unless your feelings are deep. And he said I don't wanna have to pay for it. I don't see a question there. But that's a complicated one. Again, it's probably a little bit outside of my expertise. So I'd see a counselor. I'd see a counselor. That's what I suggest. So Patricia says advice for meeting people naturally, not on dating sites. I wish I had an answer for this. When I was in my twenties, we used to go to bars, pick up chicks, pick up chicks, pick up chicks. That's what I used to do, go dancing and pick up chicks. Church, dancing, swing dancing places, church, swing dancing places. Where do couples congregate, not married couples, but where do couples congregate? Single, where do single men and women congregate? Where do they congregate? Where do they congregate? Where do they congregate? Ask yourself the question where you live. Where do people congregate? Because guess what? Look, if you're like me, work from home, it's incredibly difficult to meet people. And I don't like going to bars. I just, I don't. But the only other, I mean, it's actually you have to be out in front of people. Join it, you know, and I'm terrible at this answer because there's probably, you know, people say go to meetup groups. I've been to dozens of meetup groups and haven't met anyone. I've done speed dating events, you know, but ultimately you have to be seen by the opposite sex. So whatever that is for you where you live, that's how you're gonna do it, okay? All right. I wanna thank Michelle for the $2.99 Super Sticker. I appreciate that. Reverence Uprising Ascension. Thank you for the $20 Super Sticker. You guys were great tonight. Oh my gosh. And I wanna thank, let's see what else we have. I wanna thank Ms. Kit Kat one more time. Thank you so much. I look for males at the grocery store site is what Star Baby says. Ramona, thank you so much for the $4.99. Oh my gosh, Connor is gonna, we've got a lot of money to donate. In fact, I think I'm gonna make a point of donating $250 in the next 10 days to the Insight Seminars, InsightSeminars.org. InsightSeminars.org, check it out. It is a game changer. Okay. Hey folks, I think this will be a great place. I've got a date tonight. Wish me luck. Will you guys wish me luck? I feel a little optimistic, we'll see. It was fixed up by a matchmaker as I was sharing earlier. Listen, I don't wanna get ahead of myself and quite frankly, if it goes well, I'm probably not gonna be, if it really goes well, I don't think I'll be officially public for months because I think it's important to allow a relationship to develop organically and not make it public in my arena until it's actually an established relationship. But I'm excited. It feels good to get excited for a date. And she was kind of excited too, at least I could tell. So by the way, it's not a date, it's really a meeting. I wanna take the pressure off of the idea, the pressure of a date. It's just meeting someone. But I am enthusiastically about it. So wish me luck, everyone. All right, oh, there you go. Good luck, enjoy your date. Thank you so much, have fun. Good luck, Jonathan. Best wishes, thank you all so much. All right, we're gonna, by the way, check out the link below to a free discovery call with me. If you can't afford coaching, check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. You can have direct access to me on a regular basis through my group, and I shoot videos personalized just for you for less than $20 a month. Check out my Instagram page, check out my podcast, check out my free gift on there, all in the description below. All right, we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Merrig of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow. Give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use some love right now. First off, really quickly share this video with your friends and make sure you hit that like button before you sign off tonight. I wanna thank Nancy and Pamela and Shelly and Amanda and Heather and Kaya and Chrissy and Kelly and Star Baby and Saucy, Tart and Jim. Hey Jim, Ruby, Shelly, Trudy, 10-1-1-3-8, Sunny, Chrissy, I already said Chrissy. Robin, Shayna, Patricia, thank you all so much. Have a wonderful evening. Bye now.