 Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous, presents the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good evening. This is Ronald Coleman. And Bonita Coleman. Inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College as the guests of our sponsors, the brewers of Schlitz Beer. The taste of Schlitz. The taste so many people prefer has made Schlitz Beer first in sales in the USA. If you like good beer, do as millions of people are doing all over the nation. Ask for Schlitz, the most popular beer in history. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy USA. At this time of the year, academic responsibilities are pushed around by social obligations. And while great public issues wait for action, momentous personal decisions must be made. For instance, what gifts to buy for Aunt Edith and Cousin Ted? Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, President of Ivy, in common with most men, solves such major problems by leaving the Christmas shopping to his wife, Victoria, who at the moment comes in laden with packages. Charlie! Coming darling, coming, good heavens, where are you? Well, here I am, under Mrs. Maryweather Silver Salva. Oh, here, let me see. Now, be careful, be careful, be careful, you better unload me by layers. Now, take off the top one first, but watch it, that's the Wellman's Lazy Susan. I've got it. The Wellman's what? Well, you know, it's a whirligig for nuts and pickles. I got them in one in Chartres. Hmm, a whirligig for Wellman. Nuts and pickles, yes. Make a nice lyric for a song, don't you think? Let's save up our dimes and nickels and bile, pickle, puss and pickles. Oh, let me sit down and get my breath. It was rough going at the Ivy Department store today. I think it's really very intelligent of you to let me do the shopping, darling. A mere man could never survive it. Yes, but just a few days ago, I did venture forth on a secret mission. Oh, Charlie, something for me. In an unguarded moment, I was swept into the whirlpool of shoppers, only to find that every woman in sight seemed to think I was the same size as her husband. What? Would you mind trying this hat on? He is a head like yours. And hold this shirt up a moment, please. I think you're about the same across the shoulders. Oh, darling. I began to feel my identity slipping, being so many women's husbands. Being what so many women would like their husbands to be. Did you find what you were looking for? Well, I found a charming little porcelain figurine of an Arcadian shepherdess, which I thought you'd like. Well, my dressing table is yes, but why did you tell me? Because it turned out to be a receptacle for used razor blades. Vicki, I deplore the current trend toward gadgetry and Jim Crackery. Everything must be made to look like something else, and then hollowed out so that it may be planted with some creeping greenery. Statuettes of the Venus de Milo with electric clocks set into a midriff. The graceful spinning wheels of our grandmothers tortured into magazine racks. French dolls into telephones and lamps, lamps. Is there any conceivable piece of household junk to which some demented decorator will not attach a plaster base, a frilly shave? Well, a doorbell is still a doorbell, Toddy, and Louisa, who is still Louisa, will answer it. Well, it's probably just as well. I would have aroused myself to such a pitch of violence that I might have had the neighbors coming to your rescue. I would like to speak to Dr. Hall. Why, Professor Heasliffe, come in, come in. Greetings, Skipper. Good afternoon, fair lady. Hello, Professor Heasliffe. I see the bounteous spirit of Christmas tide has placed its tinsel fingers on the presidential half. Oh, that's one way of putting it. I beg your pardon, fair lady. You haven't been as he is for some time, Professor. I hope that this is just a social visit and does not pretend that evil has fallen upon the English department. Skipper, I am happy to report that there is never anything portentous about my English department. As I like to tell my students in a moment of gaiety, be kind to English. Remember, it's your mother tongue. That is very funny. Oh, it was nothing, fair lady. Well, now that we've dispensed with the pleasantries, may I come directly to the subject of my visit? Well, of course. A very delicate problem, Skipper. What do you propose to do about the old Maya? Well, if you're speaking of Santa Claus, I shall do nothing about him except admire his Tamina and wish him well. Oh, I feel it my duty to inform you, Skipper, that Lucian Royce has come back. Lucian Royce? Here at Ivy? Why, that splendid news. Well, Professor Royce? Of course, didn't you study under him here at Ivy? Yes, he was one of Professor Heslip's predecessors, as head of the English department. Retired from Ivy about, oh, 15 years ago, and went to live in the south of France. I haven't heard from him since the war. I just assumed that he... Why, he must be nearly 80 now. Ah, yes, a sad spectacle, Skipper. Poor old man in his dotage, without purpose, helpless and probably penniless. I'm very sorry to hear this, Professor. Have you spoken to him? Alas, yes. He just stared at me without recognition. I shudder to think of as being exposed to the mockery of those who didn't know him in his flowering, such as you or I, Skipper. For such cases, there are comfortable rest homes, you know. Yes, and there are uncomfortable suggestions. Do you know where he is living? Ah, me. Poor old fellow seems to be living on a bench in front of Emerson Hall, just nodding and smiling and offering bits of candy to the students. Anyway, that is where he was when I passed by the address now. See, but before we dispose of Professor Royce, the least we might do is to welcome him back to Ivy. Well, you're the Skipper, it's your ship. However, I should be on guard, less sentiment, overall sound judgment, in the matter. Oh, dear me, look at the time I'm overdue at semantics. Good day, fair lady. Good day. Good bye, Professor Heeslip. Why is he being so awful about Professor Royce? Well, because he's slipped for all his false heart in it, he's an insecure man. He's terribly afraid that Professor Royce may overshadow him, as well he might. Royce is and will be at any age. A great human being. His mind reaches out to you and you become his for the willing affection. Well, all Heeslip was interested in was getting him out of the way. Ship him off to a home for the aged, not while we have a spare bedroom. Good for you, my darling, exactly the way I feel. I'm far into Professor Royce's debt and if he would permit me to repay it in shelter and encouragement, I would be most happy. I wonder how close Heeslip was to the real truth. I think I shall go and see. Let me go with you, Toddy. He must be a fine man and you know something, you spoiled me for the other kind. There he is, the gate, sitting on the bench. It's so much smaller than I remember him. Maybe the bigness you remember was inside of him. Toddy, I think he's asleep. Yes, Professor Heeslip shouldn't disturb him. We can come back. Wait, wait, don't go. You're Bill Hall. Professor Royce. I saw you coming. I just closed my eyes a moment to remember the first time I ever saw you when you registered for my English class. Who churned your beautiful companions? Here, let me brush the snow away. I don't believe you ever met my wife, Victoria, Professor. Wife? Oh yes, somebody did tell me. I don't remember who I... Dear me, I never got around to sending my congratulations. I hope that you'll both accept them now with the interest they've accumulated over the years. Why, thank you, Professor Royce. Now that makes me feel like a bride again, but not that I ever really stopped. We're delighted to have you back, Professor. Only I wish you would let us know you were coming. I would like to have arranged a small get-together with some of your old friends. This is kind of you, very kind, but I came back to have one more look at Ivy. And to see if the reality of it is as green as my memory is. You know, I... I sometimes forget what happened last Saturday, but I can remember the hour and the day when I received my first appointment to the faculty here and that's decades ago. Tricky thing, memory. Yes, and possibly the most precious of our possessions. A repository for the jewelry of our past, to which each of us has the single key. You know, I don't recall whether it was my aunt Edith's house or my grandmother's, but there was a sampler on the wall that I've remembered since I was a child. It said, memory is the power to gather roses in winter. Then I guess I have quite a large garden to take care of. Well, I hope there's one bud with a ticket on it labeled, genus, freshman. Vichy, Bill Hall. Oh, there is, my dear. I can see him much better as an undergraduate than later on when he joined the faculty. Now, tell me, Professor, what did William look like in those days? Fresh. Oh, I mean... Bright-eyed and thick in span. Never talked much, though. Well, he got over that. And he was pretty shy. Was he? Old Maggie Spencer. Remember her, Bill? Of course, she was my psychology teacher. She used to think you were kind of a problem. Never opened your mouth in class, but always turned in the best papers. I told her not to worry. When you untied your tongue, you'd be a spellbinder. Well, sometimes I think I've become more of a loose leaf binder. Filled with transient observations, assorted notes, and obsolete agenda. I bet you don't remember when Maggie Spencer was first appointed to IE. A woman professor of psychology? It was heresy. Of course, one of the biggest... Oh, say, Bill, what time is it? Why, it's almost a quarter to five. Oh, I've got to hurry or I'll miss my dinner. Where are you staying, Professor? I tried to get close to the campus, but, well, it's more practical. I'm at Mrs. Shea's boarding house. It's only a 15-minute walk. Well, I've enjoyed this, Bill, and what was your first name, my dear? Victoria. Lovely name for a lovely girl. Bill hasn't changed, Victoria. Still bright-eyed in speak and span. Bye. Goodbye. Goodbye, Professor. Oh, Charlie, he's so nice. He's like a teddy bear. Ricky, remember what Charles Dickens said? Far the time is not always a hard parent, and though he tarries for none of his children, often lays his hand lightly on those who have used him well. And he easily wants to throw him on the ash heap. Well, I think we should have a name plate put on this bench just for him. Oh, Charlie, look, he's forgotten his umbrella, and he still catches it. No, no, no, darling, it won't help much if it snows again, and I don't think it's going to rain, and it provides us with a good pretext to go and see where and how he is living. I think we can return his umbrella without letting him know we are worried about his overhead. My many years here at Ivy, I've come to the conclusion that professors are not all absent-minded. Some of them quite the contrary, like Professor Reynolds, but last evening I was hurrying around the corner of Emerson Hall when I bumped into the dean. Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. Hello, Dean Reynolds. Hello, Ken, I hope you're not badly bruised. Oh, not a bit, Dean. I should have been looking where I was going. Well, so should I. I'm not often guilty of such wool gathering. Oh, you're not an absent-minded professor then. Not today, anyway. Today I'm a present-minded professor. Present-minded? Yes, I'm on my way to buy a case of presents. A case of presents? Do I dare hope? You do. Thank you. I always have a couple of cases of Schlitzpeer on hand at Christmas. I find that several bottles to the mailman, the grocery man, and other faithful visitors not only gives them a little added cheer, but gives me a reputation for good taste, sound judgment, and as a legal expert, knowing when a case has real merit. And I suppose it also helps to dispel the common belief that law is a drive, isn't it? A good point, my boy, a good point. As a matter of record, I believe Schlitz gave a sound precedent for good taste in 1849, 103 years ago, and has been confirming it ever since. With 24 character witnesses in every case, a double jury, you might say, bringing in a directed verdict of Reis Ipser-Lochritat. Will the court brief me a little on that Reis Ipser-what? Reis Ipser-Lochritat. Means the thing speaks for itself. I see, and Schlitz definitely is the thing with people who like the taste of good beer. In fact, Schlitz tastes so good to so many people that it's first in sales in the USA. I believe it. So what do you say we clear the court, adjourn to my chambers, and sample the evidence? Oh, gladly, sir. That's one bar examination I never refuse to take. Let's go. That's around us here today. Now to return to Ivy. It's the next day, and when Victoria Hall opens the door to Dr. Hall's study, she discovers an unexpected visitor. Why, Mr. Maryweather, I didn't know you were here. Miss Tate let me in, but up until this minute I didn't know why I came, but now that you're present, ma'am, I have the best of all reasons for being here. Oh, Mr. Maryweather, you should be put up in bottles and given to all women to be taken once a day as a tonic. Well, thank you, but I don't think my one-sixteenth Indian blood entitles me to be a medicine man. Say, do you know what your esteemed spouse wants to see me about? Said to get over here on the double. My words, not his. Not that I care, mind you. Any day that I can beat him to his own home and have a few cherished words with you is the day my caddy gets a $5 tip and never knows why. I have the slightest idea, Mr. Maryweather. This was one of his mysterious mornings. He muttered through his orange juice and was thoughtful through his toast and left with a quotation from Anthony and Cleopatra. I know. Now, it gives me a horrible sense of inferiority. All I can remember that's quotable is Humpty Dumpty or Little Boy Blue. I guess my heart goes where the mother goose goes. But what did Anthony say to Cleopatra? He said, very well, the elements be kind to thee and make thy spirits all of comfort. Ah, Shakespeare. What that man has done for the quotation mark. Oh, well, hello, Bill. Ah, Mr. Maryweather, Vicki. Hello, darling. How are the elements? Kind to thee? Well, you didn't have to rush, you know. It's no particular hardship just standing around making highly proper advances to your wife. Charles, if you did not admire my wife, I would begin to suspect your mental health. But I need your well-established sanity at the Board of Governors meeting this afternoon. I have a project in mind and I've already won the reluctant approval of Mr. Maple, our librarian. That's where you've been all the morning, the library, huh? Yes, on behalf of Professor Royce. Royce? Royce? Well, if that's right, somebody did mention seeing old Royce wandering around the campus. He did a lot for this college in his day. Is it true he's back? Yes, he is. Now, while I know he'd resist any charitable gesture, I think he would look with favor upon the project I have in mind. Now, Charles, if you and I can swing it with the Board of Governors, then Vicki, you and I can return the professor's umbrella this afternoon. Well, we'll each carry one end of it. And, Bill, don't worry about the Board of Governors. Clarence Wellman will be the opposition naturally as long as this is a humanitarian project, but we'll take care of him. And, Mrs. Hall, is it painful to have your ears pierced? I... Well, I... I don't know, Mr. Mary, whether why. Well, when you think how often we have to pin Clarence's ears back, you'd think he'd make it easy for himself. And it was much easier than I thought, Vicki. As a matter of fact, the Board of Governors was quite enthusiastic. Even Mr. Wellman? Mr. Wellman, most of all. He said tradition is a living thing at Ivy. Living, Dr. Hall. Symbolized in the sacred plant which clings to our hallowed walls. Walls, Dr. Hall. Well, that's very good. Thank you, darling. There was a tear in his eye, too. It couldn't have been sentiment. He must have a cold. Yeah, do you want me to take the umbrella? No, no. No, darling, I'll carry it. Reminds me of my romantic past. Romantic? An umbrella? Certainly, darling. An umbrella built for two should have been the romantic song hit of the 90s. Not a bicycle. Dolly, dolly. Give me your answer, do. Well, my answer is that the the curls blowing round a lady's neck can be undoubtedly devastating when viewed from the back seat of a tandem. But give me the umbrella snuggle all the time. No, not all the time. I won't unless I'm the girl. But the professor's umbrella reminds me of that lovely walk we had in the New Forest in England, remember? Yeah. It was before we were engaged. Well, I was engaged. I was on the brink shivering happily. And I said, come on in. The water's fine. Anyway, that day in the New Forest, we'd finished our picnic and we had reached a spot where We'd better hurry, William. It looks like rain and we've only one umbrella. And, uh, oh! But you had one too when we met this morning at Waterloo Station. Where did it go? Well, when I left you to get the tickets, darling, I saw an old lady without an umbrella. So I said, ma'am, it's going to rain. Take this. And she said, thank you, young man, but what about you? So I said, ma'am, we have one. That is all we need. Oh, William, now that was sweet and thoughtful. Oh, dear. It was selfish, scheming and conniving. I've been praying for rain ever since. Oh, well, don't give up, darling. I'll never give up. But, um, where are we? Lost, I think, in the new forest. Wonderful. Nothing in sight but the greenwood, beech and oak, goss and bracken, Robin Hood and his merry men. No, that was Sherwood Forest. Oh, yes, yes. But this one cast a spell too, doesn't it? And it hasn't changed at all since the days of William the Conqueror when he made it all a game preserved. Ah, good old Beryl. Preserving it all these years, just for you and me. From William to William with fondest regards and take good care of Victoria. Oh, I'm sure he had us in mind all the time. But you know, the very frightening things have happened here. William Rufus was killed here. He was shot by an arrow. Ah, those ill-fated Williams. Destined to be pierced with arrows. And now, history repeats. Here is William Hall mortally stricken with one of Cupid's sharpest doubts. Mortally? I shall never recover, darling. At Victoria. Stop, stop a moment and listen. Not a sound. What these old woods have seen and heard. What secrets the trees must whisper to each other. And I have one more secret for them. You just pretend I'm an oak tree and tell me to. Very well. I love Victoria. And that's the first time I ever kissed an oak tree. Ah, you know, each time I come here William I love it more. But never more than this time. The new forest. Where love and history hold hands. Aunted with memories. If we listen carefully to the horn of a huntsman. The whistle of an arrow. Or the cry of a falcon. Listen. That was an arrow. Where is it? Did you see it? We'll never see it. You said yourself the place was haunted. Singing. A mass troubadour, do you suppose? Oh, it may be. But perhaps it's coming from some cottage nearby where they may give us a tankard of ale or a posset of mead. They still drink it in these parts. It's made with lemon, honey, cow slip and sweet brown. But look, he's coming closer. Where was he? I didn't see him, did you? Where did he go? I think he went the way of the arrow, William. We won't see him. What wonderful things happen to you and me. Don't. It must be. Love, my dear. Let's put up the umbrella. In a haunted forest it's the only privacy we can accept. But the sun is breaking through. I know it is, darling. But let's put up the umbrella. Darling. In the new forest. Listening to a troubadour. But darling, where at Mrs. Shea's? Mrs. Shea's boarding house. Mrs. Shea's boarding house. Oh, of course. It's a great opportunity for one more umbrella snuggle. Oh, darling. Well, I've been carrying that old umbrella around for years, and now I've finally seen a good use for it. Oh, Professor Royce. We were just coming to see you. I hope you weren't worried about your umbrella. Oh, not at all. I'm always leaving it someplace. But it always comes back. And sometimes with the most charming way of doing it. And were you going anywhere in particular, Professor? Are we keeping you? No. I stopped going anywhere in particular a long time ago. Well, then I have something to discuss with you. The Board of Governors has endorsed a new project to be called the Annals of Ivy. I've been eager to get this started, but I've had some difficulty in finding a suitable person to write the initial volume. Professor, you have no idea what relief it was to William when he discovered you were here. But you solved his problem. I have? If you could find the time, Professor, we'd be very grateful. Naturally, there's a modest, but I hope satisfactory, substantive. You'd pay me for dating me. Well, there'd be some research. As a matter of fact, there's a good deal of work involved. Mm-hmm. A good deal of life. You see, Ivy was my life. That's it. Exactly, Professor. Now, we'd like your kind of personal approach. Oh, perhaps we could call it the autobiography of a college. And the first volumes could be Birth, Childhood, and Youth of Ivy. And we could... But let's discuss it over dinner. Have you dined yet? Why, no, I haven't. Then why don't you join us? We'll find a quiet place in town, somewhere where we can... I know. Mrs. Dodds. Oh, Lady Dodd. We used to say, you can die at Dodds. Oh, Mrs. Dodd, we gave her a bedtime. Oh, yes, Bill, yes. Thank you very much. I'd be delighted. Wait a minute, Professor. You've forgotten your umbrella again. No, I didn't forget it. But there's not room for three of us under it. The starring Mrs. Ronald Coleman has been presented by Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Yeah! The taste of Schlitz. Many people prefer as made Schlitz beer first in sales in the USA. Why don't you too enjoy the most popular beer in history next time, every time. Ask for Schlitz beer. Now, here again are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everybody. Good night from all of us. And from our sponsor, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And it's thousands of friendly dealers who will be here next week at this same time at the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Mr. Mary Weather is played by Gail Gordon. Professor Heath Slip was Alan Reed and Professor Royce was William Johnstone. Tonight's script was written by Barbara and Milton Merlin and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Milton Merlin and presented by the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and to invite you to enjoy on television the Schlitz Playhouse of Stars with Helen Hayes, Margaret Sullivan, Ronald Reagan and more of the brightest names of Hollywood and Broadway. See your newspaper for time and channel. Ken Carpenter speaking. The preceding was transcribed.