 Welcome to Brain Club. Let me share screen. Get us oriented You know introduce us to our special guest All right, so today we'll be talking about family relationships We're continuing our month-long conversation on the power of community and community means so many things and family means so many things Brain Club, of course, our weekly community conversation about everyday brain life It's our very intentionally created Educational space for the collective AVV community for purposes of providing education about neurodiversity and related topics of inclusion Just naming the thing that though all brains belong does have a host of different medical and Support space programs. This is not one of them. This is for education purposes only this is not for medical or mental health advice This is not a support group All forms of communication are welcome here all forms of participation are okay here You can have your video on or off and even if it's on we do not expect anything of you We certainly do not need you to sit still or look at the camera or any other neuro normative constructs Please feel free to walk Move fidget stim eat take breaks I was as some of you were joining in the beginning I was saying it's your brain club to be like, you know, eating dinner with a cat on your head And it's just you know, that's what goes here because there's no right way to participate All forms of communication, you know unmute use mouth words type in the chat box You're also welcome to send private or direct chat messages. And if you ask a question that way, I won't read your name out and You know safety comes first here at brain club in addition to affirming all aspects of identity It's just really important to kind of balance individual versus collective the group's access needs So in particular, you know, you're welcome to share anything that you're comfortable sharing But if it is something that was distressing, it's important that we discuss the impact of our experiences Not the events themselves, you know, for example saying I'm a heart I'm happy I'm having a hard time or I've experienced harm as opposed to like specific events and details Our goal, of course, is to create a space where people can collectively learn and unlearn and feel safe and in many instances experience something that's quite different from the outside world So, you know, we very we try to very intentionally facilitate to be able to to create that space right from the very first time Last bit of access Related topics close captioning is enabled. You just have to toggle it on if you'd like to use it So depending on your version of zoom, you might see the live transcript goes captioning icon But if not look for the more dot dot dot and choose show subtitles You can do the same and choose hide subtitles if you want to turn them up And that's my visual support to open up the chat box. So I'll actually see it if anybody's using it Okay, great. Um, so, uh, you know, as I said, it's very important us to create this community here Our people feel safe and feel like you could show up as your true self It's um, and you know, we really appreciate everyone being here and we really appreciate everyone who helps to spread the word about Brain Club and our other free community programs And in fact, if anyone would like to join our spread the word team of volunteers Help share our social media posts, etc. We would we would be grateful and Lizzie's put a link in the chat for anybody Who wants to get involved with the spread the word team All right, so as I said, we're continuing our month-long theme of the power of community You know and I want when I think about family relationships And kind of what comes up in our in our medical practice and at brain club Like there's a lot of common factors common challenges that neurodivergent folks Um, you know have to navigate relating to perspective taking You know, we know the double empathy problem where people with um, you know, uh different types of brains um miscommunication happens when there's a mismatch of communication style and worldview double empathy problem is a term that was coined by dr Damian Milton who's an autistic social scientist in the uk And the double empathy problem is that it's not like there's one normal type of social skills Or communication skills. It's that it's that mismatch perspective taking goes both ways We all have grown up with with norms You know things we were taught as young kids that got like reinforced by culture And you know, whether you are here as a parent Or whether you are here as you know an adult kind of navigating your relationship with parents Or both right, so it's like these cultural norms or I'm just I just hit a button um these cultural norms that that that change for people over time as We're exposed to different different things. We read things. We have different conversations We change change the way that we think sometimes and when that is a Mismatch for the way that someone else um is parenting culture. Um that Conflict arises, you know, there's so so much here You know, we talk a lot at brain club. We talk about access needs what anyone needs for full and meaningful participation And in any type of relationship, you know, whether it's your family of origin or you know, any any Relationships really, you know, we bring two people together. We all have different brains different brains have different needs You know, we're gonna have conflicting access needs And having having a plan to negotiate and navigate conflicting access needs as part part of You know, just give the universe is figuring that out Um, so today we are so excited to be joined again That are returning a special brain club guest. Um, so Anna house is a family coach and educator She offers support for personal transformation and whole family healing through her family coaching practice an online education space and We'll also Lizzie if you can pop some some chat some uh links in the chat So that you can see Anna's website and her instagram handle And uh, we're we're really really really excited to have you back with us Anna. Let me unshare screen and we'll get a Get our spotlight going Hi, thank you so much Oh, it's so exciting. Whoa there. That's me. Well, there you go. I'm gonna join you. I'm gonna join you We're gonna have a little conversation. There you go. We're um at a spotlight. There you go I've never I've never like spotted myself before. That's weird. Okay Okay, so anyway, um, welcome welcome to brain club. Thank you. I love it here Yeah, and I do I have my I have my dinner here and I've got family poking in and out of the door I've probably have a question from my teenager any moment. You never know and Um, and they know it's okay to jump in and be part of this experience and catch my attention anytime they need so Amen, and I think it's really important just to you know model Model family culture like that. So and speaking of which I would love love to hear about your journey as a parent and as a professional in like defining your family culture and maybe redefining family culture over time Yeah, thank you even um, just having the opportunity to think about this has been A really cool journey. I have no idea what I'm gonna say right now because I didn't write myself a script this time because I knew um when I talked to mel I just Things start to roll and I you know, I I kind of get in the groove and I I discover things about myself just by answering these kinds of questions and um so Uh when I was trying to think about this question You know and thinking about our family culture and how we kind of broke the mold over time it wasn't like Like one day we were like in the normative like you know Normal world and then all of a sudden we had like our own way of doing things It was something that was sort of like a slow evolution over time And I think that it's important to name a couple of really important influences in my life that gave me the courage and strength to Keep working at like chipping away at some of those pressures that held me trying to You know control everybody into the little box because that is you know, we do set out as parents like And family members trying to we want we want to be in relationship. We want to do it right, you know And there's a lot of pressure there and so I want to just mention my mother who Is no longer On the planet living here with us, but it's still such a huge influence in my life um, and she was a really radical special educator And she was a total rebel She was kind of like the black sheep of my family Of the like the longer lineage where she just really always set out to please her own path um You know, we I still I'll talk a little bit more too about my own journey with You know in a larger scope of a family, but I think that her example of just not Um not falling to those social pressures for her students like knowing when she saw What what a child really needed to feel part of the community or to thrive She didn't let any of the naysayers get in her way. She just plowed through and said no, we're not doing no We're not doing that. No, we're not doing that. We're doing this, you know And she had this incredible way of building community and my sister and I both were always a huge part of that um Which was really a really special way to grow up And so then for me as a parent You know at first You know all of us have these precious little things we want to keep alive and we want them to be You know accepted and loved and all of those things and yet um you know the that kind of Gaze of society seems to always be on us and I think in my early years I I really struggled with that pressure to want to get my kids to conform um, and so one of the big Well, it's like a big thing But again, it happened in like a little tiny doses over time was like this awareness where you know Everyone's allowed to get to this point where I would feel like This doesn't feel good This doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel healthy, right? I'd get into we're sitting there butting heads. We're in conflict We have different access needs. We have different um You know Ideas of what's required in the day and we're just like stuck stuck and it didn't feel good And so over time those little moments that didn't feel good were moments where I was like, wait a second. Why are we doing this? What Why are we doing this and what is the need underneath right and one of the things that I love that you say mel that I have now Like I just say it all the time. I talk to families about this all the time is What in this moment right now? What will help us feel safe? and connected Just asking that question. Is it getting to school on time? No, actually it's not right Why are we fighting about that? That doesn't seem like part of our family culture of what we want to cultivate um, and so, you know Alongside that question what makes us feel safe and connected. We also evaluated our own um family values and um And so I I do have a worksheet to support families in kind of uncovering What are what are your family values and it's not a worksheet? I've ever done with my family, right? So we try to create tools that will help others um But we but it is something we've talked about over time. And so when I was creating this worksheet recently We hadn't discussed it as a family in probably years and years and years Two separate instances. I went to two of my two kids. So my son is now 24 years old Um, and he was at home doing his laundry just a quick visit Nita, you know a need And I just crouched next to him by the washer and I said, hey What would you say are our family values? And he didn't even skip a beat and he just said honesty and compassion Then he just like went back to work. I was like, I know right To have raised this young man and those that's what stands out for him as our family values honesty and compassion so um, you know, those are two things that help us again like break through some of those barriers um To keep those those things in mind if I'm being honest with my kids if I'm being compassionate um, then some of those like external unspoken rules can fall fall away more and more Um, and then when I approached my daughter who is now 17 She was a little more thoughtful Um, and she really thought about this question. What are our family values? And she just started and she said to treat Children as humans And then she was like very satisfied with that answer That's amazing. That is that is amazing Yeah, so I can't even remember now the question you just asked me but I think that No, we were it's just it's just the idea of your journey right your journey of doing it doing it differently and it's interesting because You know, um, as you described like what it was like for you to grow up in this like, you know Like like the original neurodiversity affirming household like before that before those were terms that were used Right sounds like that was that was the environment. You're great. And so, you know, there's so many people right who They didn't grow up that way and the norms that we as adults have that come from like these cultural assumptions That that we grew up with and and maybe are actively on learning now and then have have Conflict have strait with other people who aren't there and I I wonder does that come up in in your coaching practice? Yeah, and I did say I wanted to come back to this so um, while I had Like this incredible role model of this radical woman who just was like, you know, no, we're doing we're doing what's right for humans You know, she also lived within a world in which a lot of these pressures existed So while we had that example, that wasn't how every moment of my life was There were moments where she really like required us To show up and like put the mask on, you know, so we I still lived in both worlds where Um, like it was okay in some settings and then in other settings. It was like quick. Okay button up button like In the box. Okay now show up and just like pretend to be normal kind of I don't know how else to explain it in this setting So I did I did live with both experiences And certainly that comes up all the time and it definitely comes up in my coaching practice so I just spent some time with a mother and her eight year old um and They it was a school day, but they were home um, he does attend the local public school and um She's been really really struggling because of all the things you just said, right? She the the norms that she grew up with um, the norms she feels that he's expected to live, you know, still live inside and um, and so She said the mother said to me I know he's not sick and I know there's no real reason to be home, but then I just said What am I doing? Because it was so clear. She just said it was so clear from the moment he woke up that it was like not going to be A successful day at school He was there was you know, again that flooding heads every moment of trying to get out the door was just a struggle And she said what would Anna do? She was like, you know what? I think we just need a mental health day like what if I just called in from work We didn't go to school and we just had a day where we work on feeling close and connected um And they invited me over so I could spend some time with them. Um and It's amazing what can happen when we just Readjust the lens a little bit to say like okay, what is actually important right now for us And and what's in our ability right? I think that that was another thing that came up for her was um sometimes We don't all have the ability to take a day off and feel like we can still you know Pay our bills and get through things But she said when I when I pan the camera out far enough I could see like we'll still be safe if I take one day off from work right now and this feels really worth it Um, so there are so many little factors that come into play. I think in those situations. Um And I would say the biggest thing um When I explain So again, you know in our family happened over time and it was like little things started to fade away like Is everyone required to sit at the table? At the same time every night at dinner time like is that an expectation? We're gonna hold in our house um And the answer is no, you know over time. We realized like Allowing each family member to really meet their own needs when it came to nutrition and food and where and when and how they eat it was really important to us um and You know the same way That this can happen, you know My kids do know how to sit at the table and eat dinner And so I think that's one of the ones that kind of comes up a lot of times when I start to explain this Way of stepping back and kind of looking at the bigger picture and how to set ourselves up for success and connection Um, a lot of times family ask me, but how do we get them to meet expectations? Right, this is a big question that comes up around children. How do we get them to meet expectations? um And so again, that's where I think that it's really important for us to look at like what is what does that exactly mean expectations and whose expectations are they? and um And then yeah bringing in the lens of like what are our family values if our family values are honesty Compassion safety and connection um It gives us a good idea of what exactly what expectations really means for us Um, I have not been following the chat, but I see it's fun. It's totally fun. You know, is there any that is like a parallel conversation? Right? I love it. Yeah, so it's it's it's yeah And I I usually actually include that in the I know there's just a lot of not a new folks to bring club today You know the chat like as long as it moves pretty fast Um, so it's it's definitely like the side the side conversation It's not the main act and so, you know, if it's going to just like minimize it don't look at it It's going to be fast. Yeah, um, but there's a there's there's there's conversation right now about um, like unlearning the the norms The expectations of like being the this this whole business of sitting at the dinner table Like I remember I even remember in medical school. I was taught that the correct Way to be a healthy family was to have dinner together You know, how many days a week do you have dinner together? Um If we all had dinner together, they're just be chaos and like we don't be dysregulated because because we'd like to hear each other chewing And it would just be like, you know madness, right? So anyway, um That so it's it's it's it's like giving yourself permission to ask what is no longer serving me Um, what was I taught that I am seeing in daily life is just not Serving me not serving my family not serving this relationship But I think I think it is I think it is really hard. And you know, I wonder, you know You've gone through culture shift you work with people going culture, you know going through culture shift like I don't know Just I'd love to hear what your experiences have been in in in supporting Supporting people who are going through culture shift and like that that initial like re-examining assumptions that no longer serve us because like When you're on the journey and you're with other people who are like, oh, I'm gonna revisit that thing About sex. Um, but if you're like, right, you're like on this surface of like, well, this is I just have to do the thing Because everyone told me I had to do the thing and you know, this is what I do and I'm dutifully complying as an adult in this world, right? Like like How do you begin to re-examine? cultural assumptions Yeah, that's such a good question. And I and I hear the children over there say hello So I want to say hi back to them because I care how myself Oh, so I would say You know, again, it doesn't have to be like all or nothing It's not like one day you're in the norms and the next day you're out, right? It's like choose one thing and so one of the things that I like to do is to think about The places where it where we um, like it's like a knee jerk reaction Or where the that cultural assumption like comes out of our mouth Before we're it's like not a conscious thing like before we even thinking we just say it Like it's often a phrase we heard over and over again And I think a few just popped up in the chat, right? Like often our parents said something to us. That's like this catchphrase of like normalcy, right of like You know, you finish everything on your plate or whatever it is, right? It's like the thing that you just say Um, one of the ones that I had to work for a long time. It's a really silly thing But it's like the kid spills the milk and you say, what were you thinking? I was wondering just like Right, right as opposed to like, yes, I actually sat here and I made a list of pros and cons to spilling the milk like really? Right, so Why would I say that yeah, so picking one phrase like that That just doesn't feel it does it doesn't feel authentic to you or to your desire of how you want to show up as a parent or as a family member Um, it's just one of those things that's culturally been like Bit out there and you just repeat it because you've heard it so many times It's easy to repeat you pick that phrase and then you write like the new paradigm version of that phrase that you want to practice Right, so rewriting it. Oh one of the parents, um, the one through my course had a great one Um, one of the ones she heard and found herself saying to her kids all the time was beggars can't be choosers Oh Every day of my childhood it brings tears to my eyes. I like I really that one's really Tender for me Um, and she realized like it was important for her to hear of something new So she started with herself first before she could even start to say it to her kids She realized she needed to like give herself a new option And the new option she came up with was It's okay to ask for help And so every time she felt that Oh that's like there's like a clenching that even happens in our body when it's like about to come out of our health Right when she's like about to say it. She's like wait It's okay to ask for help And that became the new phrase in her household. So starting with just one little thing You know and that one that example it's like it's just one phrase But it makes a big difference Culturally in the household of like how you're going to approach um a problem or a situation in which You know a need is going unmet Yeah, there's a there's there's there's a calm as there's a thread of comments in the chat um about about the idea of um, well, I just I I I always it's it's it's it's interesting the uh the internal conflicting access needs of like The the comment and the thread to a chat thing to keep it like together But then you're like, oh it's skipping and jumping around and I can't read this now. Yeah. So anyway, um, uh Hold on Christina, where's your comment? What'd you say Christina? Hold on. Here we go. Okay cultural norms can be identified when it's a fear-based reaction Like what if they can't do this now? What were their future be like the the whole like preparing for the real world thing like I said That we shouldn't just change the real world like I don't want to be in a real world or that's that real world because it's not It's it's based on, you know, it's like what you said before around like who is who is the serving? Yeah, I love that. Yeah, and it's really true when it's based in fear, you know, you're headed um you know down a road that's really not serving anyone um and That's such a good point. I and I saw something great the other day about that like, um You know preparing children for a real world that, you know, right now it's filled with You know hate and anger and fear Um by creating more hate and anger and fear in your home um, just doesn't feel like like You know when I think about that when I really take a step back and look at that and I think Will that really prepare them or will more love connection and safety? Actually give them more of the resilience that they'll need in order to face that Right It's when they're ready, which is you know right now with a child who's about to turn 18 She's like I'm ready. No, I'm definitely not ready Right. That's fine. That's okay So so Anna we've got a question from May Yeah, hi, I had a comment to add about that Um, I'm a teenager and one of the things that I find really annoying about that comment Is that I'm already a human in the real world like it's not like I am interacting already So like why I'm here doing the thing working on being in it every day already Amen to that. Yes. Yes, right. Thank you Thank you for being a real person in the real world and saying that for us because that's exactly what we need to hear Yes and the idea like what would it look like if children Who then turn into teenagers who have this now understanding that like this is every day is my real world every day Is my real life and it my real life is a place where people honor my and respect my access needs What would that look like? Yeah, yeah Because what happens is right so kids Who turn into teens who turn into adults who are now out there in the world who are now for the first time learning That we have access needs that we that it's it's not needy to have needs everyone has needs And and to normalize talking about that naming that They're doing it for the first time as adults Yes, thank you for that mel because I think this is something else That one of your prompts made me think about is that um I think a lot of this work ends up Being the work that we do as adults right as adults like So much of my work when I work with families is actually working with the parents and identifying what are actually what are your needs Could you even imagine? Having a space where your needs are met And then being able to parent from that place Right and so and so really working working there and identifying that and and doing some deep Processing and healing on the ways in which Yeah, those cultural norms didn't allow us to have our needs met when we were children and that we're still acting from that place of deficit um And and that also as an adult who then has um My whole rest of my extended family who you know always pointed and shook their finger at my rebellious mother and you know And then when she was gone she turned to me like what are you know? What are you doing with you? Oh your kids aren't going to school. Oh your kids aren't Sitting at the table. Oh, you're just going to let them eat out of the jar of coconut oil with their with a spoon Yes, I am you know, um That was that's just a funny example of like one time and I was like I trust if she says she needs this right now It's what she needs right? That's the other thing. It's like learning to really trust our children to identify their needs um But that's not where I was headed right now What I was thinking more about is kind of those external pressures and being able to show up Also in other people's homes like my father's home my in-laws homes um, you know aunts and uncles extended family or even friends where um It's been difficult to then show up outside of my my house where we kind of set our own values um, but then to show up and you know share space with others and then be able to say well, these are Like that I do I trust my children To know what their needs are and I also have needs and here's what they are And to be able to communicate them can be really scary and hard at times and not everyone is ready to hear that um So, you know, one of the things I wanted to talk about was that There are spaces there are spaces in my family where I don't feel like I can fully be authentic in expressing what my access needs are and um And yet I still have unconditional love for those people and sometimes I need to not communicate with them Um, and that is also really okay and can be really hard boundary to set but sometimes for us to be able to really fully step into what it looks like to have The family relationships that we longed for means that we sometimes need to um, yeah hold at bay some of the the the naysayers or the Family members who don't really see it or understand it um, and it's been my experience That some of the loudest Um family members are elders who may have been under or undiagnosed in their own neurodiversity And therefore went their whole life without their access needs being met Um, and they they can't even see a world right the way you said wouldn't it be amazing if our children just knew a world Where their access needs could be met and just had that expectation walking out into the world And yet we do have an older generation that um, many can't even imagine can't even imagine it They can't see it and they can't even imagine it And so therefore those social pressures that they felt they just it's really hard. It's really hard to um for them to even um To let go of those and sometimes that's not an expectation that we can have and so in in some ways that um Hearing myself say that my son valued compassion um, that is something that we've worked also as a family to offer to others who don't see our family lifestyle um Don't don't fully accept our family lifestyle is we talk about it And I talk about it with my kids to be able to hold compassion for others in the ways in which they may be um still kind of trapped in in those older expectations and That we can just shorten our time with them so we can still go and we can still um, you know Find ways in which we can you know be outdoors sometimes is a helpful place If you don't actually go into their homes and It's kind of sometimes another easier place to To be able to enjoy a little bit of time together But then keeping it short we try to just keep some of those times short to shorter and when they start to feel harmful We talk about it as a family We say we're gonna leave now and And then we do the repair at home because we don't we don't try to force others to offer that repair if they're not ready Yes, you know, I think it's interesting because I think a lot of people Struggle with setting those boundaries and struggle with opting out So we talk a lot about opting out here like, you know, if this is a harmful or you know Even if that word doesn't feel like it applies to you because you're you know, you you're you're you're kind of stepping into This this lens of understanding the impact on your nervous system one thing when your access needs are not met But you know like It it's hard to even imagine opting out when that's all you've known And you don't you don't know you don't know what's possible. You've never had a safe Relations, you've never had relationships where you could show up and name, you know I have the kind of brain that You know needs to take some time to think about your question. I have the kind of brain that you know, I really This doesn't work for me. Um, you know, whatever that is, but I I think I think so so often when folks Folks connect with the avd community And like it's like practice practice showing up Authentically then you can be like, oh, it's it's it's not me Because this is fine. Um that thing that that's not fine, but it's like you you have to kind of shift your own internal Your internal cultural norm about what's going to work for you or not Yeah, thank you for saying that the practicing is so important and and slowly finding the places where you can Um where you can express those access needs. So that's why brain clubs so amazing. That's why You know building community here with all brains belong has been so important to me like I said I mean I I really didn't prepare for this conversation because I like learned things about myself just by being here and talking about it. Um and And then that helps me I think I said that I had I had written the script for the first time I was on brain club and now I realized like that's now how I talk about my experience I had to practice it. I had to like see it on paper Write it down tell all of you and now I just I don't that's just How I say what I do right like and so it does take practice and Um and we don't know what we don't know Um, it's true for us and it's true for those others and other families And so until we can be in spaces where we like you said feel that safety We're like, oh, this is what it's like to be in a community where I can actually say like I can't read the chat. I'm and if I like maybe you know, like I'm never gonna read the chat. Sorry everybody My brain does not like words written down Well, it's that it's it's it's like the idea that that um like learning to trust Not just your intuition, but you know, you're just inherent wisdom like my brain is constantly triaging Um, how I spend my cognitive resources. So I'll see chat and I'll be like And I wouldn't have had language to understand that I wouldn't have understood that, you know Like brain's getting tired brain slowing down brain needs less input And that's why we have an interdependent team, you know, we've got like I I uh, I I stopped being able to read the chat like probably 10 minutes ago And I see like, you know, we've got like two different abd staff or like responding to the chat because it's like Um, a culture we talked about this a lot about this at brain club about, you know, the culture of interdependence The idea of normalizing being connected to and relying on other people And if you can, you know, teach young children that like what a world What a world, right? Because there's there's there's so much that's normed, you know, like the toddler they're like You you you peep by yourself, you know, like it's it's it's it's it's just it's everything where it's like, okay um It's we're rushing out the door to go somewhere That's not one i'm gonna like have you practice putting your socks on putting your socks on is like a really hard task Great. So so just just why why are we doing that in the real world? We're gonna put your socks on like No, you don't know our socks don't our socks My favorite example of this is that my kid begins turning 18 in a month and a half Does not know how to tie her shoes. I mean she knows how she does she doesn't know that she knows the steps but Now all her friends know it all the family knows it Like it just works better when someone else ties her shoes So she doesn't it doesn't waste her time struggling with this task that just doesn't work well for her And so even early on when she was little it was just like we really got into this routine where I put her shoes on once she was buckled in the car seat because the shoes became work like this constantly the thing that like Everyone's lids are flipping because her shoes were just such a point of like frustration So it was like first was get in the car seat and then I'll put your shoes on and then you don't have to think about it Because you're already feeling secure and relaxed To now as a teenager she puts her shoes on she just lifts her foot up And like any friend family member as everyone knows that just means she this means quick Tie the lace is nice and tight and she's out the door Awesome culture of interdependence Yeah, you know we And I agree with kim's comment about you know slip-on shoes and yeah Season right. I mean just just I mean that that's that's that's such a great example of unlearning These things that's like yeah, the correct way to be a human is to tie your shoes Like guess what there's a lot of ways to be a person and and I don't I don't know if I told you this um, but when uh, when when my child was five, I was getting ready to do a training for um, uh, behavioral therapists and I told I I told them what I was about to go do And they said mama tell them there's no right way to be a person Oh Yes So so we'd love we'd love to you know, I we've been answering questions along the way But we'd love to invite invite more questions Or comments if anyone has any go for it. Oh, I have a lot. So I will try to Um Restrain myself. Um Okay, so I just learned that I was autistic about six months ago Um, it came up because my daughter's uh kindergarten teacher Thought she had some sensory processing issues And so I start I didn't know anything about autism. So I start looking into it and I was like that's what autism is Oh, yeah, I'm autistic like that and you know, I just like um, anyway, so Going through the process of getting diagnosed season all that as we speak but um We have had a real struggle in finding a school environment where my daughter can thrive and um the one that she's at right now I thought was going to be quite a bit better. Um, but she started coming home with these like massive belt downs And to me, I'm like that's that's kind of a deal breaker for me. Something's going on here that she can't quite manage and Have tried to work with them um, there's not a lot of The problem that we run into is she's only six but she's already so good at masking that the teachers don't see it Like they're like she's fine. There's I don't understand what the problem is and I try to explain and they don't get it and um, anyway So they're not they're not really willing and also the supports that I asked were pretty minor um, so anyway, my question is what are your thoughts on like on homeschooling or on trying um Trying to find ways of making it through this environment where I feel like it's pretty emotionally unhealthy for Yeah, so um, that was the red flag for me as well Um, was when my child was coming home and having math and meltdowns. I mean just at least an hour of crying Before we could even start to have a snack or talk or anything Um, and it was just a it was a no-brainer for me. That was the end of her public school Um until she decided to go so, you know, there was there there were several moments throughout her Experience where she was like, I gotta check out that place where all the other kids go, you know, and I'm like, okay I remember the first time Um, I think she was it was fifth grade and she decided. Yeah, I think I do want to go there And we walked into the school and she was like, oh the lights and she was like, oh the smell She was like, no, never mind Right, so it was like I and she because she had so much more language after having been in a place In a setting where she could feel regulated She could feel safe and connected for so many years Suddenly she had the words to be able to communicate how overwhelming So much of the stimulus was for her, right? So it was like the first step in the door She was like, no, you know and now over time she's been able to say, okay I now have tools where I can handle the smell and I can handle the lights and I do want to have some of these other Experiences, I know there's teachers and classes that you know, I want to learn and so she's been able to kind of work through We have other ways of like meeting some of the needs So she's right now. She's a senior in high school and she does go to the public school Um, but for only four classes, so we're still registered as homeschoolers But we've been able to find ways to Um allow her to kind of have both of those experiences. So that's something that I do help coach people through is kind of um And one of the other parts of my journey was even the first year we decided to homeschool I still thought we needed to have like a curriculum and a structure and I like daily, you know Okay, we're gonna do this subject now and this subject now and um, and it you know and still like Wait, we're still not connected. We're still not feeling safe and connected and took us a while to kind of Really unlearn a lot of that to get to the point where we could Move through our days and learn through life and learn how to be in community and learn To just love learning and it's been so it's been so amazing to watch her and to see that now She's going to be graduating high school and it's just an incredibly intelligent amazing well articulated person so I'm a huge advocate for homeschooling In those ways and that there's still a lot of other opportunities to give your kid The experiences that people think are important like socialization and Which is why the first spring club I was on was there's no right way to make a friend, right? So I have a lot of tips about how to how to create that space for your child to have that community without having to be in a space where People aren't really interested in just slowing down enough to see the little Those little accommodations they could make to really meet her needs throughout the day Absolutely, I'm gonna put in the I just put in the chat the recording from uh, there's no right way to make friends With like the task analysis. Remember you like you're like step one think about your interests like and it was really it was like It was amazing anyway So so we've got this queue of like five questions built up So we're gonna start we're gonna start um, we're gonna we're pick up the pick up the pace here we go So um, Christina would like to know how do you start this conversation Anna with your clients? I don't remember what that what what this conversation was but uh, she goes on to say uh Do you ask what their challenges are or do you listen to them or sort of argue with each other to get them to identify the issues? I find that my I guess you're talking about extended family my sister struggling with her kiddo, but they're just lost over to star Yeah Um, it definitely starts with listening. I think you're on something with that that kind of deep listening and and letting um letting people really identify where those thickiest parts of The relationship are for them Um, and like I said, you know being able to identify just one place One place to shift one one one expectation to examine right one phrase to um to rewrite That can be a great place to start. Um If people are in enough of a struggle, yeah pointing them in my direction is a great place to start as well But sometimes people aren't even ready to look for a solution yet. They just need to keep digging a little deeper into um Yeah, the the the struggle So deep listening See can you pop Anna's website in the chat again, please? Yeah, how about my email? I feel like my email. Okay outdated. Yeah people just email me directly. Um, and then I can offer some simple resources Sounds good. Okay. So next we have Sophia Sophia we see your There you go. Perfect I had a comment about the homeschooling thing Um, I'm a teenager and I was going to eighth grade for the first Seventh grade last year for the first time like just to see it and this year I was going to eighth grade for the first time after being homeschooled my whole life with um recently diagnosed ADHD and not so recently diagnosed dyslexia and a visual impairment Um, and about the homeschooling it was really helpful for me because I knew like how to communicate what I needed Um, because I was just taught like from a young age how to communicate with adults But then when I went to school like since I've had like a one-on-one tutor my whole life And I could just like be like I want to hyper fix it on this topic I'd master it like I knew all the school topics and I was like So like like I knew the things already. So like I could mask by I already knew it And I think that people didn't realize that I needed help So we were going back to homeschooling because we have tried for ages and they just don't seem to understand And I'm wondering why don't schools like one in five kids are dyslexic why don't schools Have more information on how to help kids because all we ask is for basic standard accommodations like longer time on tests like like like I just like to have instead of packet work on a chromebook with um like Like a screen reader like basic standard things and they were supposed to make me a plan in april of last year They have not finished giving me all my accommodations yet this year I'm wondering why don't school have more like preparation for this That is such a good question. And actually no, there was that opportunity we had with um winnie Where we did bring together families and kids to talk about exactly this like what do you need schools need to know? Yeah, i'm gonna put that link in the chat. Okay, yeah Yeah, that's from uh, yeah Thank you for sharing your experience and as someone who is also dyslexic and you know went through uh elementary school and Uh middle school in the 90s. I can tell you like, yeah, why haven't we gotten this better by now? Like there's so much information out there. I don't know. I don't know why Um, and it should be better and I'm sorry that you had that experience and I will say that um You know for me as a parent now I've had to be the one to provide those tools for my for my child because I don't expect the school to do that at this point um And one of the ways we found success again is to wait until she was in high school so that she could just opt into Very specific classes with very specific teachers. So now she even knows So she's this semester. She's actually knocked out of two classes because she realized The teachers are not going to be willing to meet her Her needs and her accommodations. So we're just gonna We're going to opt out of those classes and And do them in a little bit of a different way, but she's found a couple of teachers who have actually been Um, not only accommodating but like celebrate celebrate her brilliance because the thing is that there are so many um They're incredible awesome qualities that you bring to the class and that you bring to the subject and you do have these superpowers like Being this lexic is a superpower. You you do get to see all these minor details. So anyway I mean, we have a lot of suggestions, you know normalizing that we all have different brains We all have strengths. We all have things that are challenging And if you can learn about your brain's needs you design a life on those needs Um, so so uh We've got lis and then may so lis's question is it's kind of the opposite situation So um, uh, lis is asking, you know, essentially is it too late? Um experience of pulling a kid out of school for the first time later on middle school or later Tell me tell us more No, my so my son we didn't homeschool till 10th grade. So it's never too late um and I would just say that um Yeah, I don't I don't know how to how to elaborate more on that except that you just have to try You know, you have to try one little thing and it's also okay to try something and then realize that's not the solution And try something else. I think that was a big one We talked about even in there's no right way to make friends I think in that one that came up a bunch which is like but if we signed up for soccer We have to stick with soccer for the whole season. It's like no, it's okay to change your mind Um, so even like I said, we you know We thought she would go to school full-time and then we decided no this isn't working So we're gonna actually register with the home study and we're gonna opt into just a couple of these classes Oh, but not those two actually let's try these two and it's okay to keep adjusting and trying things And I will say there will be sticklers out there who will say Oh, no, you signed up for this. You're supposed to stick with it and it does take a lot of strength and courage to say Uh, no, thank you right and so and normalizing that you can always change your mind you can always revoke consent like It's the reframe of the idea of like, you know, like lisa saying, you know the expense we paid for this You got to do it like um, or you know, you're you can't be a quitter like I actually can honor my access needs and change my mind at any time So yes, thank you May I had a comment about the homeschooling. Um, I'm also homeschooled and um, I have been blind my whole life with cvi and my family never knew it And one of the constant struggles that I've had is um, I could never really learn print. Um, I was Finding strategies to guess it because I can't recognize letters Um, and one of the things that I've really so appreciated about being homeschooled is that even before we had my diagnosis My parent was like seeing me and thinking about like, how do we make sure that You are happy and your needs are being met and being able to adapt really quickly And we tried like every single way to learn print and when it didn't work and we got my diagnosis A few weeks later we tried braille and that was the first time I got literacy in my whole entire life at like 11 years old And that that's amazing thing about homeschooling because now for the past like two or three years I've been learning braille and I'm up to grade level for the first time and that was only really able to happen because I was homeschooled and when we've we reached out to our school district But it's been so hard to get services from them And it's been really challenging to find any support for orientation and mobility or a braille teacher So it's been our ability to be flexible and google things and research and reach out to blind community members to get tips from them that has been able to support my access needs and Let me be the best person I possibly could be and get the most access to my world in education So I think homeschooling is really great Thank you for sharing that And I want to just um use something you just said just to leave us off on this note because one of the things I hear from adults is often like kids really need consistency And what I'm hearing is you're you're you're helping me reiterate something I say to people all the time What if we could be consistently flexible? All right, because you just said we were flexible enough to keep looking for that path and I'm Moving my hands all squiggly like a snake slithering through the grass, right? Like we're always searching um, and to be able to be consistently flexible Um in that in that search for for meeting those needs and finding access to your own education Congratulations. Thank you Wow, well, I can't imagine a a better way to wrap up this wonderful conversation Thank you, Anna. Thank you for being here with us and thank you to so all of you for being here with us This was wonderful. Um, and you know, we will look forward to continuing our conversation about the The power of community by discussing a different kind of family relationship next week We're going to be talking about work Workplace family and and the idea of you know, what would it we say? What would it look like for a child a teenager to learn about their Access needs now you become the adult who's in environments where your needs are not served and what are the consequences of that, right? So, um, yeah till next time I can't wait and I want to just say I am going to be doing a free workshop on self-directed education So, um, I'll make sure all brains belong has information on how to register for that once I have the date set And if anyone is interested just email me at anna at anahouse.com and I'll be sure to get you on the list All right