 It's so great to see you. Thanks for coming tonight. I know it was like part of the plan, but I don't think this keynote's on your little checklist to be graded. So thanks for not going to hang out in a dorm or going to see Jesus. We'll see him in a little while. It's a real thrill. I've been in Steubenville since Thursday morning, which is a long time. This morning I took my family. They came and met me on Sunday after driving over from Scranton where they were hanging out with my husband's family, where we had been since July 2nd. So our summer was like crazy June camps for my five and a half year old, because we finally decided she needs to do things in the summer besides destroy our house and watch Blueie all the time. So she was in summer camps like all June. We left our house at 7 a.m. on July 2nd, drove two days up to Scranton where we had a huge family reunion with my husband's very large, very intense, very loud Irish family. And then I introverted for four days hiding in my husband's childhood bedroom. And then I went to New York for work because I work for the Sirius XM Catholic Channel. And so that was three days of intense. I could never live here. How does anybody survive in this town? And then we drove from Jersey to Philly where I hopped on a plane and flew to Pittsburgh and had nice, lovely 2,000 young people crammed into this field house, which I've never quite smelled the smells. I smelled over the weekend with those teenagers. And then we went to, my birthday was yesterday. I turned 34 yesterday. And so we decided, thank you. I, my child made it a point to tell every person we passed yesterday, it's my mommy's 34th birthday. And I was like, 34 is not that old, but I don't need you to go tell everybody that I'm 34. We went to Idlewild about 90 minutes away and met Daniel Tiger, which was the highlight of my life. And then we drove back and now we're here. And this morning we took our kids over to, we're good friends with the Franks. So we went over to the Frank's house for breakfast and donuts. And then afterwards we decided let's go downtown and have ice cream at Leonardo's. And so we decided let's get pizza first since we went to Martinini's or Martoni's or it's this new pizza place, incredible pizza place in downtown Steubenville. And then we walked and we had ice cream and then we walked down to a museum of train displays which apparently doesn't exist. It's just a painting on the side of the wall because it was locked. So we're just walking in downtown Steubenville. We saw the chancery, we saw the beautiful churches, a Masonic temple. We just told our children to avert their eyes. And as we walked back to our minivan, my five-year-old declared, this is the best day of my life. I was like in Steubenville, Ohio? You have been a lot of places. I think it was just the time with us. My child's love language is 100% quality time, followed very quickly by physical touch. And she's a very tall, gangly, elbows and knees child who wants to cling to you like a station on the side of an old boat or something. But we love her dearly. Rose is one of those kids. Like you see her and you know that she is destined for theater. Like she's just destined for a stage, which shouldn't be too surprising considering I'm her mom and her dad did theater all through high school. We had this big career day at her school last year and she was so excited to bring us to school and all the little kids lined up and were ready to introduce their parents. It was part of their public speaking unit in their pre-K class. And so it's a half classical, half, I don't even know what we're calling other schools these days, school. It's like a class school, school. And so they had this little public speaking program within their pre-K class. So up walks a little Christian Terrio and he goes, hi, my name is Christian and this is my daddy Doug and he's an engineer. And so everybody claps for Doug the engineer because we know what engineers do. Or we pretend we know what engineers do. And then up comes Lincoln and little Lincoln is introducing himself and he goes, hi, my name is Lincoln because millennial women have named their kids things like Lincoln and he goes, and this is my daddy Jared and he's a lawyer. And so everybody claps for Jared the lawyer because we know what they do. And then up comes Rose with her ringlet hair and her gap teeth and she goes, hi, my name is Rose and this is my mommy Katie and she talks to the wall while she's alone. I had to clarify to everyone there is a window when I am talking. I am looking out a window and somebody's listening mostly my mom and she texts me during the show and gives me live feedback which is really great for my self-esteem. So again, I need Dr. Petrack to just follow me around saying those very lovely and very kind things. It's so amazing though, like my kid, I don't think she fully knows what I still do. Like she came to the conference on Sunday and saw us through the proclamation for the Holy Spirit and asking the Holy Spirit to come down upon us and transition into mass and then it was mass and then she got to dance on stage with 2,000 adoring teenagers. I still don't think she understands that like mommy doesn't just dance on stages with teenagers which would be wildly inappropriate. Like there's more to the job that I have but it's not all that surprising because like Rose is the kind of kid and just think about your first born child who then kind of like comes of age during COVID. So like the world shut down and she didn't go back to school in March of 2020 and she thought she was in trouble for like four straight months because she didn't get to go back to school and then there was a hurricane and so I gave birth to our second while we were evacuated from a major hurricane and then she started school delayed because of that hurricane. So she just had a lot of life. So it's not surprising that ice cream and pizza in downtown Steubenville was the best day of her life. You know, most people would say like the best day of their lives is the day that their children are born. And I would say that those people are people who had easy pregnancies, right? See, some people when they're pregnant, they glow and like you look at them and like you are just swelled with life. And I sweat when I'm pregnant. Like it is not a beautiful thing. And we got pregnant with Rose. The NFPers in the room will appreciate this. She's a peak plus five baby. So she should not exist, but she does. And it was, you didn't expect this was gonna be the keynote tonight, but just buckle up, just get ready. They told me I could have fun and they've already paid me. So we're in for it, right? So we got pregnant in December of 20, no, yeah, 2017. When did we get married? 2016. We got pregnant in December of 2016. A lot of life has happened since then. You stop counting after a certain point. When you hit 34 and your child tells everybody, you just kind of forget. So we got pregnant and it was incredibly exciting and we're overjoyed and we're sharing with our friends. And then it got like really hard. Like you're growing arms and legs inside your body. And I kept waiting for that moment of utter joy and excitement and it just never came. Like I was excited we were having a baby, but it hurt a lot. And everybody be like, oh my gosh, what do you think? And I'm like about another person being inside me right now. I'm weirded out by it. It's wonderful. And like praise God, we were open to life and she came to be. But like there's gotta be a different way. Or is there like a mental, like can I just like close off a part of my brain? And that's not to say like we're not so excited about it, but still it was hard. And we got to the summer and I was pregnant in Louisiana with our firstborn child. So I was walking through a washcloth all the time, growing this child, growing myself. And we went in for just a standard routine appointment at the beginning of August. I was due August 31st. This was the very beginning of August. And we sit down and my OBGYN, a wonderful guy, Dr. McAlpine, he has Asperger's. And he tells you that like the first time I've ever met him I have Asperger's, I'm really bad with vocal tone and with making eye contact, which is actually a great thing in an OB. Like you don't wanna make eye contact with your OB. So he went into the right field, right? So we're sitting there at the table. All the men are very uncomfortable right now and all the women are having the time of their life. And the Archbishops have left the room. They just left. The last time I told the story, the Archbishop president in the room is now the USCCB president. So Archbishop, you could be the Pope. Who knows, right? That's what happens. So we go in for this routine appointment. It's supposed to be like an appointment every week. We go in, he sits down in his little stool. You know how like doctors straddle the wheelie stool and they awkwardly walk up to you. So I'm on the table. We've just done the ultrasound. Everything is good to go. And in very deadpan, he goes, so I just wanted to let you know that you're leaking amniotic fluid. So we're gonna need to pick an induction date. And he says it really fast. And I went, what now? And he went, well, you're leaking amniotic fluid, but it's not that bad yet. So I think we can go another three weeks. Here's my calendar. You can't pick this week, because I'm going to Disney World, but this week is available. So I'm like, can I have 24 hours to think about this? So I went home. I Googled Catholic Saints in August, figure out what's the right date for induction. We chose August 24th, because it's the day after St. Rose of Lima's feast day, but the day she actually died, so that'd be great. Rose can be born on this day. We go in at midnight. They hook me up to the Potosin drip. Everything's smooth sailing. Got that magical epidural at 9 a.m. Took the best nap of my life. And about one o'clock, doctor comes in, checks everything. He's like, yeah, we should be ready to go in a couple hours. Again, I've been sleeping and watching the Hunger Games on TV. Most of my labor, which is a really great movie to watch when you're having a baby. Because you feel like the stakes are super low, or at least I'm not there, you know? Just bringing a kid into the world. Not a big deal. Can't feel anything. Then the nurse anesthesis comes in and like tops me off because you can top off epidural. So I am numb from the armpits down and just flying high. And about 3.30, Dr. McAlpine comes in, washes his hands, pops me up in the stirrups and says, all right, it's time to push. And I could feel nothing. So I start pushing and nothing's happening. I'm like an hour goes by and I am just in like the most distress of my life. Baby was fine, thank God. My husband, and earlier we described Dr. Bob Rice, who's now grandpa, so forever I will call him Deacon Dr. Pop. So Deacon Dr. Pop, right, was described as Tigger, so was my husband. My husband is an amalgam of Tigger and Chris Traeger from Parks and Rec. So he's just like cheering me on. He's had coffee all day long so I don't want him cheering me on in my face right there. So he's just like in it and we're going about an hour and nothing is happening and we quickly determine that Rose is stuck. And so like instantly this switch flips and all these nurses start coming into the room. There's just all this activity and I know they're about to take me out of here for a C-section, which is fine. Like there's nothing wrong with C-sections except I am a really bad patient with pain and did not want to be cut open from side to side. Just like wasn't on my birth plan. My birth plan wasn't much other than walk in backwards so they can stick me with an epidural, but like I knew that that wasn't part of my birth plan. So I look over at my husband and I grab his hand and I say you have one job and it's to make sure they do not take me out of here. And I'm pretty sure I said some not great things and through gritted teeth and there was like a lot of emotion in this moment. He's like, okay, and he looks over the doctor and finally like gets McAlpine to make eye contact with them and they have a whole conversation in that moment. And a few minutes later, outcomes rose. Don't know what he did, but outcomes rose. And they pull her out and they hand her to me and it's that moment, right? Where you meet your child for the first time. The world stops. You forget how gunky newborn babies are. But they put her on my chest. We're having that moment like, hello, welcome to the world. I'm falling in love with this little tiny human that looks like us. She had my little tiny ears that poke out on the side. And we're just having that perfect moment as a family. And then all of a sudden, you know how when you're about to pass out, you start to feel black coming into your eyes. I start to feel black. I start to feel like I'm about to pass out. My body starts to feel really, really heavy. So I say to the nurse, I'm kind of disoriented at this point. I say to the nurse, I'm gonna drop her. Now there's no way I could drop her. I'm in a hospital bed, completely contained. But I feel like I'm gonna drop her. So I say this to the nurse and she looks at me. She's like, you're okay, you're okay. But I'm getting agitated because I was having a reaction to the epidural at this point. So things were kind of starting to backfire. My blood pressure starts to plummet. So I'm saying, take her from me. I'm gonna drop her, I'm gonna drop her. So the nurse looks at my husband, Tommy, who's just beaming. Brand new dad, right? And she goes, dad? It was the first time anybody had called him dad. It was like the Grinch. His heart swelled three times. And he stood up straight. And my husband for context watched every birth video he could find. Read every birth book available at the library. So he understood like this moment was important for bonding with our first born child. So he rips his shirt open, takes the gunky baby and puts her against his chest and is holding her and the nurse. And that's like one fell swoop moment, lowers the bed and does not communicate with Dr. McAlpine at the other end of the table. So as she lowers the bed, Dr. McAlpine drops something. And we hear like a splash and an uh-oh, which is not something you wanna hear in a delivery room. Come to find out. Not something you thought you'd hear tonight. He dropped the placenta all over the floor. And I wasn't planning on eating it or anything, but like, I didn't, I didn't want it on the floor. And as all of this is happening in like 15 seconds, the priests got really uncomfortable just now. I could see them and I'm sorry, fathers, we can talk about it later. But as all of this is happening, the door opens and my mom and dad walk in. And my dad just backs up and turns around and leaves. And my mom, and I'm like half passed out at this point, but I know something has happened. My mom walks into a scene from a Stephen King novel. Her son-in-law shirtless holding her first grandchild. Her daughter passed out in the bed and I heard it cut through all that chaos and noise. I heard her say, how can I help? Because that's what moms do, right? They walk into a room and they say, how can I help? You should note that my mom is a CPA and was the least qualified person in the room to do anything in this moment. But she saw chaos, she saw mess, she saw pain and she wanted to do something about it. And months later, we're sitting at my mom and dad's house. I just finished nursing rows and had swaddled her all up. We were about ready to lay her down. We were spending the night at their house for some reason. Our power probably went out because it goes out all the time in Charles. I passed the baby off to my mom and so my mom is sitting there in a chair that I remember my mom rocking my little sister in. I just said, mom, do you remember, like I was finally starting to process like all this trauma from that day. I was like, mom, do you remember when you walked into the room? And she went, yeah, I thought you were dead. And I went, what? What in that dramatic was it? And she said, well, I mean, it didn't look great. You're pretty pale. And you weren't holding your baby and that's usually like a bad sign. I said, but did you say, did I imagine it or did you say, how can I help when you walked into the room? And she went, oh yeah, for sure I did. I said, well, like, were you gonna grab a mop or something? Like, what, resuscitate me in the bed? Like, I, very, right up my will? Like, you good? I don't know, like. And she said to me and she looked at me squaring the eye. My mom is a wise woman who's raised, I think, two good Catholic daughters. She looked at me and she said, I didn't think I was allowed to be in there unless I was doing something. And it cut to my heart because like if anybody is allowed to be in the room when their first grandchild is born and it's their daughter giving birth, it's the mom, right? And that line, I didn't think I was allowed to be there unless I was doing something. I have thought about that phrase in a lot of contexts of my life since then. But most especially when it comes to the church because I know that this is a room of people who walk into a lot of chaotic scenes and not most of you, necessarily placentas on the floor, but we walk into a lot of messes and we walk into a lot of chaos and we walk into a lot of noise. And our first instinct, whether we're qualified or not, is to say, how can I help? And sure, sometimes it comes from a very altruistic place. I wanna help, I have a skill, I have a talent, I can do something to make this better. But I think sometimes if we were honest with ourselves, it actually comes from a place of fear that if we are not being useful, if we are not doing, then we are not worthy of the space we occupy. And I think if there is one sickness that is really infecting all of us who do this most essential church work, and let me just pause here and kind of take an aside and say that what you do in the life of the church is some of the most essential work, if not the most essential work in the life of the church today, not just because we need future generations of believers, but because sometimes you are the only point of contact to Holy Mother Church that the young people that you work with have. Sometimes you are the only person in their life that shows them the face of God. Sometimes you are the only person who speaks truth to them in a crazy upside down backwards world. Sometimes you are the only person who is praying for them and hopefully helping them get closer to the heart of the Father. So it is an essential work that you do. And I think the sickness that is infecting a lot of us that do this essential work is a fear that if we stop doing so much, that we are no longer worthy, that our worth only comes from our productivity, from what we put out, from the ways that we ask and then respond to how can I help? And help is good and your work is essential. But let me say this, and I hope it's the thing you remember more than the whole placenta thing. Let me say this. If you are a person who does not find your worth and your identity is a beloved child of God, but only finds your worth in the work that you do, then your work will fade away. Your work must flow from a place of understanding your inherent worth and value and goodness. And that only comes when we actually understand this Father's heart that Pop talked about so well last night. I'm gonna keep calling him that. I hope you're okay with that. This worth that we struggle to understand when we were singing it a few minutes ago, right? That he is worthy of all of our praise. That he is worthy of our songs. And then we think about our own worth and we just kind of shove it to the side. But we put worth on a lot of things. My husband just ordered, he just finished grad school. And so the big deal was when he finished his grad school program, he could order himself a 2024 Ford Maverick. We've been saving for it. He's wanted a truck for a long time. He wants us to get good gas mileage. So this morning they placed the order for his 2024 Maverick. And I was only sick for like five minutes when he told me what the price tag was. Like we place worth on quantifiable things outside of our lives, the worth of a dozen eggs, the worth of the home on the market that we're looking at, the worth of the watch battery that we make somebody run around and get from Walgreens all day long, right? We put worth on things. But yet when we look at ourselves in the mirror, we do not necessarily see our worth. How much value we carry. Not because we've done anything to earn it. Not because of the best planned night for our young people or the most perfect lesson plan that the principal's not even gonna read or the talk that we've prepared that every volunteer is going to ignore while they're standing in the back or that the young people sitting there wishing that they could just go home, won't pay attention to. All those things that get us down, but we still do them. All those things that challenge us, but we still plan them. All that external work that we can point to and say, please pay me just a little more so I can feed my family. All that external, that's where we place our value. And so when that either pauses or is taken from us or shifts or changes, or when people denigrate it and criticize it, or when we think it's not enough, we have an identity crisis. We don't know who we are anymore. Our wheels are no longer spending 90 miles an hour and so then all of a sudden we're stopped and we don't know what to do. Your worth doesn't come from how often and how loudly you ask, how can I help? And then do it. Your worth comes from the fact that you are God's beloved son, that you are God's beloved daughter, that the father looks at you and goes, look at you. And sure, he's proud of all that you do. He's happy that you show up and do this often thankless work. Pleased that you have dedicated your lives and your heart to walking with a sometimes forgotten or we believe just a fixable segment of the church. But that's not why he loves you. He loves you because you're you. And I think sometimes we're scared to accept that love. I know I have been. And I think all of us have a story somewhat similar to mine. I graduated from college and I went up and did a youth ministry job in Chicago for a year and I hated winter so I moved back home. And I started teaching at a Catholic high school. And because, you know, teaching at a Catholic high school doesn't really pay the bills, I started youth ministering on the side. So I was doing these basically two full-time jobs and I loved it. I was super happy doing it and I was good at it. I had a lot of kids come in a Bible study. I was really engaging in my classroom. I mean, I wrote a book about it, which you can buy on Amazon for $14 called Room 24, Adventures of a New Evangelist, and send my kids to Catholic school. Right, like I was really good at what I was doing. And then I met this guy by way of Facebook because we're millennials and I fell in love with him. And he eventually moved to Lake Charles and he got a teaching job at the same high school. And then eventually we left those jobs under circumstances beyond our control and he started teaching at a public charter school that paid a lot more. And I started traveling and speaking because God has this funny sense of humor that like I hate flying but he put me on a lot of airplanes. And I'm not quite introverted. I know you might not believe that but like I'm not the most outgoing person. I can't be on a stage, but I'm pretty reserved on my own. And like now I've got to go talk to all these people. And so I found myself and after my daughter was born in August of 2017 and 2018 and 2019, I traveled over 250,000 miles around the world talking about Jesus. And my 2020 was set up to be even busier. I had multiple international trips. I had three Steubenville youth conferences that summer. Like it was going to be a crazy 2020 and we all know what happens, right? March 11th, 2020, I flew back from St. Louis, Missouri. The guy was coughing on the plane the whole time and I was convinced I was gonna die. Everything was grounded. My daughter stopped going to school. My husband was now trying to e-teach which went over like a lead balloon. I was pregnant with our second and this pregnancy was a lot better although I was still pretty uncomfortable. But at least I was home all the time but I had to go to all these appointments by myself now and then they diagnosed me with placenta previa so it was in the wrong spot so I had to go in every single week and then they had to give me some steroid shots and then they put me on modified bed rest and the world's closed so I couldn't just go walk around target for some mental health therapy. I was stuck. I watched Secrets of the Zoo on Disney. Like that's what I did with my time. And then my grandma died in June of 2020 and none of us could be there with her because the world was topsy-turvy and thank God a hospice nurse snuck my grandfather in the back door and he was able to be with her in her final moments and I just kind of found myself at rock bottom. I wasn't doing the thing I was really good at which was traveling and speaking and spreading the gospel. I felt like this pregnancy was like happening to me like I wasn't able to experience the joy of it with our friends and with our family or even with my husband. My daughter was bouncing off the walls constantly feeling like we were keeping her inside. I was just really, I was in, I was sinking into a depression and there was this one day my husband came to me I was laying in bed. Again, I was forced to be there but I also probably wanted to be there too. And he came to me and he said, hey, like I really think you just need to like go have a day to yourself. I was like doing what? Sitting on a park bench, like hoping nobody looks at me. Like where am I gonna go? And he's like, I don't know. I mean, father like opened up the adoration chapel again and our priest got really creative during COVID and he had removed some walls and put in some temporary walls that would open up to the outsides. You could have like outside adoration with our chapel. And so he said, I don't know, like maybe you could go to the church for a little while and just spend some time with Jesus. That's a good husband who sends his depressed, pregnant wife to the Lord. And I found myself climbing in the car, driving the two minutes up the road to our church. And I walked in and there was one lady sitting in the front, her name is Ms. Constance. I've grown up around her and she turned and she saw me and said, oh, Katie, great. Can you take over? And she got up and she left. It was like 10.05 in the morning. So she still has 55 minutes left of the scheduled Holy hour. And I mean, I'm a former teacher and a former youth minister. I'm just like you, I'm very type A. And so I normally walk into adoration and I have like, I have things. I have a Bible. I have a Hallow playlist. I have a Rosary. Like me and Jesus have a lesson plan that we're gonna get through. And I walked in for a quick, like, hey Jesus, can you make life not suck so much? And instead now I'm stuck for a 55 minute Holy hour and there's nothing with me and it's COVID so they took away everything because you can't touch anything. So I'm just sitting there and I'm Catholic but I'm not like 55 minutes of just me and Jesus with nothing else, Catholic. And my sister's gonna be the nun, not me. So I didn't know what to do. And I just found myself sitting there and like, have you ever find yourself just in a room with Jesus alone? You talk to him. Kind of felt like a Seinfeld episode. Like I just started festivating to Jesus. Like just all of this is going on Lord and it feels like you don't care. And I said that and then I got a little revved up. And it's just me and the Lord, he's a big boy, he can take it, right? So like I, like we were open to life and now there's a pandemic. And like I was going everywhere for you talking about Jesus and I was good at it and you took it all away. And I mean, I got angry. I was kind of scared of what was coming out of my mind. What was coming out of my mouth. What was happening inside of my heart. Like I don't think I've ever been that angry with anyone other than my husband when he doesn't put his shoes in the shoe basket. Like I just like did not realize how much I was blaming the Lord because I felt like he'd taken away or didn't care about the things that I had been doing that I thought made me worthy, that I thought made me lovable. And as I'm sitting there and I'm saying this, I just came out of my mouth. What do you want from me? I'm listing off all the places I went, all the things I did, all the projects I said yes to, all the ways that we're trying to raise our children Catholic. What do you want from me? It just was burning inside of me and I heard it clear as a bell. I've only heard the voice of God a handful of times in my life and this is one of them. And I'm convinced every person has like a sensory feeling when they hear the voice of God. For me it feels like I'm being wrapped in velvet. Like the Lord is just wrapping me up in this tight, tight velvet blanket and holding me close. Actually never felt a velvet blanket. I've only ever felt like a velvet dress but I think this is what it feels like. This velvet blanket and I heard it clear as a bell as I'm saying, what do you want from me? What do you want from me? I hear him say to me, I don't want anything from you. I don't want anything from you. I want something for you. And that, that switch, all of a sudden as I'm being held in this embrace and I hear that voice, I don't want anything from you. I want something for you. I realized that at that point in my life I had yet to really come to a place of understanding that our good God wants things for us. That he is not a task master. He is not a boss. He is not an employer. He is a father who wants to give us good. Who wants only our good. And I convinced myself that I was doing all these good things for him that it had never occurred to me that that was preventing me from seeing the good things he had for me. And I think that's all of us. I think that's every person who's ever gotten a paycheck from the church, every person who said yes to this most essential work that we can look to our calendars and see, well, this is what I've given to the Lord. This is where I've gone and this is what I've done and this is who I've talked to and this is where my energy, my time, my blood, sweat, tears and money has gone. All of that for him and it's prevented us at times from receiving what he has for us because we act like it is just us that can do it and we believe that the only way that we are lovable is when we are useful. And so therefore we allow ourselves to be used up and whenever there's a chance to pause even for just a brief few days, we sometimes resist it. We sometimes fight it. We're sometimes scared of it. We worry that if we're not doing then he'll have nothing for us in the long run rather than recognizing that he doesn't have something for you just because he's gotten something from you but that he has something for you because truly and I think it's the greatest challenge we have in the churches articulating this of just how amazing you are to the Father. I have two little kids, two little girls and the hardest thing I have to do with them every day is not just get them to sit still when I'm trying to brush their hair in the morning or ensure that they eat more than just the marshmallows out of the lucky charms. The hardest thing I have to do every single day is articulate to them that it doesn't matter what you do even though I would really like it if you behave and not scream in a cafeteria full of catechists that would be great if you would just be still for just a moment but the greatest thing that I can tell them any day is just that, gosh, I love you and you're good and I delight in your existence and we say that to little kids and then at a certain point we stop saying it to adults probably because it's weird. Like I would love to be able to walk up to each one of you and say you are so good and God just delights in your existence but people would probably call CPS on me rather quickly so like I can't do that but we don't say it to one another enough and I don't think we say it to one another enough because we don't actually believe that it's true and so we work ourselves up in a frenzy and we do all these things in a tizzy because we think that's where our worth comes from and that's where I was as I'm sitting there in that adoration chapel. I called my spiritual director the next day a wonderful Dominican priest and we were talking about it and he said, you know, Katie, it's been on my heart for a while to give you some advice on what you should be praying with and so I want you to spend some time for the next year, every single day which is a really hard thing for a spiritual director to assign but you know those Dominicans they get you sometimes, it's like every day for the next year I want you to read Luke chapter 10, 38 to 42 and I didn't have a Bible in front of me at the time and I'm a good Catholic but I didn't go to Franciscan so I don't know it all off the top of my head and I was like, oh I hope it's a good one, I hope it's a good one. So I go to my Bible after we hang up the phone and I open it up, Luke chapter 10, 38 to 42 for the Franciscan grabs in the room is the story of Martha and Mary and I was like, oh darn it, I don't like that one. Could it give me anything? Feeding the 5,000, walking out of the water, like any of them? No, it'd be gonna give me the one about the lazy sister and the hardworking sister which just goes to show you like where I was in my spiritual life. As they continued their journey he entered a village where a woman whose name was Martha welcomed him. She had a sister named Mary, lazy, who sat beside the Lord at his feet listening to him speak. See, this is why I have like a hangout. My mom sent me a book when I was in college called Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World and I know some people really love that book but I hated that book and I hated that book because it was a very passive aggressive gift that my mother gave to me because she thought I was too busy. So like I just had this like Southern moms, right? Like they'd know exactly what to do to needle at you. Again, she texts me while I'm on the radio to either correct me or to encourage me to tell certain stories. So she's a great lady but I have to mute her number sometimes. So she's mailed me this book. So I have this, I have this story in my head of like this, I just didn't like this story and here's Martha and here's Mary. Mary's sitting by Jesus, just you know, relaxing. It says Martha burdened with much serving and some of the translations it says distracted. When you hear the word burdened, like this thing happens where like you feel it, right? Like it's one of those words that carries a literal weight like your shoulders kind of crunch down. You can feel those burdens. Think about those burdens, the ones you left behind that are still waiting for you in that email inbox that you're avoiding right now. Those burdens of fathers to do list for you for the kickoff at the beginning of the school year, right? Those burdens of next summer's conferences and the booking of those expensive buses and the buying of the pizzas and the making sure you've got the t-shirts, right? The burdens. I hear the word burdened and I think back to the fact that like when you are a parent, there's constant paper. Have you ever noticed how much paper comes into a child's life? And so like my daughter starts to cool at this wonderful Catholic school and all of a sudden there's just like all this stuff that's coming in. Like I want the version of Catholic parenthood of Catholic schools where it's like we paid the tuition, she shows up, she comes home, I don't have to do anything else, right? Like that's why I'm paying you tuition. I don't need dress-up days. I don't need family barbecues. I don't need to know what the teacher wants for teacher appreciation. I'll send cash. Like I don't need all of it, right? And so my daughter is in pre-K3 and we're so excited she finally started pre-K3 and it is Catholic schools week. Which who invented it and why? And home comes this packet. I was a Catholic school teacher so I'm allowed to say all of this. So home comes this packet with all these dress-up days and all these activities. She's three, like she doesn't care. I don't care either. I'm writing the check. And so I had gotten smart at the beginning of the school year and had created this shared eye cow for my husband and I. And I made roses color pink and it would pop up on both of our phones all the things that we needed to know for school. And my husband, he's a good man. He takes first shift. So he wakes up with Rose because otherwise I'm a bear. So he gets her up in the morning and he gets her dressed and he gets her going and he makes me a cup of coffee and I come in. I don't deserve him. I'm saying that because I'm about to be really bad to him in this story. And so I've made this shared eye cow and home comes the packet for Catholic school. We got to put everything in. And Tuesday was red shirt day for some God knows why reason. It'll help us love Catholicism more because we're wearing a red shirt. So I did my duty. I went to Walmart. I bought a red shirt. I had it hanging in the closet. I was in the calendar, 6.15 on the Tuesday morning of Catholic school's week. And I walk into the kitchen and Rose is sitting at the table in her uniform eating her lucky charms, watching an episode of Bluey on the TV. And I'm like, what? I thought and I look over and my husband is wearing a red polo and khakis looking like Jake from State Farm. And I look at him and I make a face that every husband in the room has seen and every wife has made. I was like, did you? Like it said red shirt in the calendar and my husband thought, oh, I got to go put on a red shirt. Like I was livid. I was livid. And he saw my face and he went, I understand the mistake that I've made. And he just walked out of the room and I took Rose to the bedroom and I changed her. I was boiling, right? Like sometimes the burden is a red shirt on a Tuesday on your husband and not your three-year-old. Like it doesn't have to be much to weigh us down, but it's the straw that breaks your back. And every single one of us in this room in church work, in life, with our family, with our friends, there are burdens and they accumulate. And God love Martha. I don't know what happened the day before Jesus got there but I'm sure she cleaned and Mary didn't. I'm sure Martha knew the Jesus that she knows and loves was gonna want fresh hummus and olives and wine and she walks out and she sees her sister sitting at Jesus' feet and I guarantee this woman thought, I can't wait to talk about this in heaven someday. She saw her sister and she thought to herself, the nerve. Right? Burdened with much serving, she goes to Jesus. And this is why I love Martha. This is why Martha is my girl. She sees this, she is annoyed. She's probably hurt. She looks at the spread that she's put out. Jesus has come over, she's not gonna not feed him. And she's burdened with much serving and she walks up to Jesus and God love the woman. She looks at Jesus and she says, and I think this is Sassy Mary. Excuse me, Sassy Martha. She says, Lord, do you not care? Like, I know there was a head wobble in that Lord, do you not care? Like we can read scripture with an Ignatian spirituality and imagine the body language of these moments, right? Like Lord, do you not care? She was so hurt. She was so broken that she'd done all of this. Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving? She really believed he didn't care. But she had the guts and the gumption to say something about it. See, Martha's always the one that people say, oh, she's too busy, she's got too much going on. She just needed to learn how to sit at the feet of Jesus. But notice, Martha's the one that is able to walk up to Jesus and tell him what is bothering her. Tell him why she feels so unseen and unknown and unloved in that moment, because that's what it is. Do you not care that everybody's left me to do this all by myself? Do you not care that she didn't even offer to wash a dish? Do you not care that I don't get to sit down with you? Like she felt like everybody just saw her like the grunt. That everybody just saw like the person that's always gonna be there? Oh, she'll lock up the church, reclmop the floors, Candice will book the bus and all of us sit there and we think, Lord, do you not care that I'm doing all of this? Because we've wrapped up so much of our worth in what we've done and then we feel so unseen while we're doing it because we refused to allow ourselves to just sit in the presence of God and receive what he has to give us first. I'm not saying that Martha should have altered her plan for hosting Jesus, but I sometimes try to play the what if game with this moment of, again, I had to read it every day for a year, so I've thought about it every way to Sunday, right? Like if Jesus had come in and if she'd just sat with him for a few minutes and visited what she felt so unseen, if she'd asked Mary to maybe grab a tray, but instead she just kind of, she just grinned and bore it and did it all herself to the point where it broke her and thank God it did because then she was able to look at Jesus and say to him, you don't care, do you? And I imagine in this moment Jesus sees her and his heart breaks. Like here's this woman who has gave him this beautiful meal who's welcomed him to her home, who he knows, they were friends. He didn't just show up unannounced, like they must have known he was on his way and he's heartbroken. I know it that she feels so unseen and he looks at her and see, we know this, every time Jesus uses somebody in his name, it's really important. He changes names, he calls demons out because he calls their names and he looks at Martha and he says her name and he says it twice. And Luke's gospel is the best gospel because it goes in order and so Luke would have given us that detail, Martha, Martha, because he would have known that that's what happened. Martha, Martha, he calls her name twice. Martha, Martha, look at me. Martha, Martha, you were anxious and worried about many things. He sees it, he knows it, he cares about it. And he doesn't just say to her, get over it. He doesn't just say, give me a refill. He doesn't just say, work a little harder, would ya? He doesn't just say, ah, Mary's enjoying herself. He names what she is struggling with in that moment. And it is only after he names that she is anxious and that she is worried that her spread is not good enough, that her hosting is not impressive enough, that nobody cares what she has done. And it is only after he acknowledges that hurt that she feels that he then points to her sister to whom she has much resentment. And he says she's chosen the better part. And the better part in this instance is just sitting at the feet of Jesus is allowing ourselves to recognize that the dishes, yes, they have to get done. And the planning, yes, it's essential to what we do. And that the miniscule minutiae management that people don't even see in your day to day moments, it's important. The wheels of the church turn because of people like you who are willing to put in long hours, who are willing to do the things that nobody notices, who are willing to sacrifice their time, their energy, their talent and their treasure for the next generation of believers. Praise God for all that you do. But my gosh, I'm so worried about a church filled with people who, one, don't feel seen known and loved and two, are too scared to go to Jesus and tell him that. And I'm convinced that the wheels will fall off if all we ever do is just put our nose in the grindstone and keep doing what we're doing without ever taking time to look at Jesus and say, do you care? And actually here, of course, of course I care. And not say that in a condescending way. It's not like Jesus is mad that you didn't know it, but that he's waiting to lavish that affirmation and that love and that doting word upon you. And that if we are just running ourselves ragged and never take time to actually stop and receive that, then the work we do will be fine. The gospel we share will be okay. And that is not what we are called to. We are not called to find catechesis and we are not called to an okay proclamation of the gospel. We are called and sent forth to make saints. And that can only happen if you and I know the value we have not because of what we do, but because of who we are. Now I know that's so hard to maybe receive even though it's I think quite simple, but it's scary. It's scary to just receive that lavish love. It's scary to choose the better part. And I think it's scary for a couple of reasons. One, we don't know how to be still and receive the love of God because all we've ever done is be useful. Or two, we know that when we receive that love of God, when we are given that lavish gift that something has to change, that we can no longer just be a person who does all the time, but we must be a person who consciously and actively and willingly allows ourselves to rest in the presence of God. That was our theme for these youth conferences all summer. Come to me, all you who are a laborer and when you're burdened and I'll give you rest. And as I've been praying with that all summer long, talking to a bunch of teenagers, all we have to do is show up. The father's heart is not like something I have to gain access to by going through an escape room or running through a maze or filling out a form. The father's heart is ready and willing to receive us. We're the ones that run in the wrong direction because we're scared of what we're gonna find in there. Because what we're gonna find in there is a father who protects and provides and is that model like Bob told us about last night, but also a father who will not let us run ourselves ragged. A father who will demand a stop so he can love us. A father who will say to us in a tender way, I don't want anything from you. I just want something for you. I want you to know that you're loved. I want you to know that you're good. I want you to know that all that worth that you think you have to go find elsewhere, I just wanna give it to you. And so often in this work that we all do, which is good and valuable and so, so necessary, we're scared to turn to the father and tell him, do you not care? Scared to turn to the father and ask him if there's that love that we're ready to receive or scared to receive it from him? Because there've been a lot of other places where that love has not been given to us or where we've been told, no, I don't care, just do your job. Where the thanks hasn't been given, the affirmation has gone missed. And so we just kind of assume, well, God, the father's not gonna give it to me either. And that wound that exists for so many of us, I would encourage you that over the course of this time that we have together to give that to God. That fear, that our usefulness, is the only thing that gives us value and worth to ask the Lord to heal that part of your mind and to touch that wounded part of your heart and show you that your value doesn't come from what you do, but from who you are. That's so often the moments where God is tenderly moving and prompting and loving and inviting us to see why we do what we do and who it is that we're able to touch. That these are moments where God wants to lavish something upon us, not just a moment where we're able to accomplish a really good lesson or challenge a young person to love Jesus more or teach something in an effective way. I really struggled when the world closed because I wasn't able to do the thing that I was good at for a long time and kind of was scared I wouldn't be able to do it anymore. And then as the world started to open back up and the stages returned and the microphones turned back on the radio shows became available. I was kind of like back in this mode of all right Jesus that was a great little respite. Let's get back on the road. I got executive platinum status to hit. Come on, let's get those emails coming. And this past spring I had another busy round of travel much to my husband's chagrin and now this time two little girls that I had to say goodbye to every time. And I was kind of feeling the rundown and I had this parish mission on Long Island. I've learned it's on Long Island, not in Long Island. So it was on Long Island. And I'd actually only said yes to it because my sister was supposed to enter the Sisters of Life this past September. And she deferred for the year so she could finish her doctoral dissertation in canon law. She's a smart one. And so she's writing her doctoral dissertation so she deferred for the year so she moved back home to write. So she now lives around the corner. So I'd said yes to this event because it would put me close to New York so I could just like hop a bus or something and get close to the Bronx and just pop in for tea. They didn't know I was gonna do it but I was gonna do it. I'm gonna be that kind of big sister with a nun sister. And now she's not there but I can't back out of the event because I've signed a contract so I'm up there for three days. And it was fine. It was a good conference. It was a good parish mission. I was tired. Food wasn't super great. You know, the talks were okay. Music was good. People seemed to be moved but like I left the parish mission and I was just worn down. It was the third event in a row. This one had been for three days. It had snowed. I hate the snow. Like it was just... And I get on the flight from LaGuardia down to DFW and I'm sitting in the bulkhead seat. And I just, before the flight took off I just kind of grumbled to the Lord. Like, do you not care? I've done all this for you again and it just kind of feels like this was a fruitless trip. Good paycheck fruitless trip. And I could tell my heart was just kind of wrecked. And I'm sitting there in the bulkhead seat. Flight takes off. There's a woman sitting next to me. She was in a flight attendant uniform. She was flying standby to get to DFW and probably head off to her next trip for work. I opened up my iPad. I started watching the Black Panther II movie. Realized very quickly that I did not remember anything from the Black Panther I movie. So I watched it. And then when the movie ended there's still like two and a half hours up to the flight. So I closed my iPad and I get up to go to the restroom. And as I had closed my iPad I pulled my AirPods container out of my pocket to put my AirPods back in. And when I did, the rosary that was in my pocket like dangled out. And I like shoved it back in my pocket really quickly. Because I'm Catholic. I travel with the rosary in my pocket but I'm not so Catholic that I'm going to dangle the rosary out of my pocket like while I'm walking to the bathroom. Not a Dominican. Like it's not going to happen that way. So I like shove it back in. And I go up and I come back down. And five minutes later I sit back down. And the woman next to me like as I'm going to put my AirPods back in she stops me and she went, was that a rosary? And I turned her and I go, it was. And she said, are you Catholic? And she said it with a smile which is not often the way people ask that question. She said, I am. And I didn't know like how Catholic should I be in this moment? Like am I like radio host Catholic? Like was it on Long Island for speaking purposes Catholic or am I just like go to Mass on Sunday, kids go to Catholic school Catholic? Like what level am I? And I know that might seem strange from a person who literally gets paid to talk about Jesus but like I'm an introvert and I didn't want to talk to anybody. And she's seen my rosary that I've been trying to hide and I said, yeah, I'm Catholic. And she went, oh, I used to be Catholic which is usually the response that comes back. I went, oh, and I said it in a friendly enough way to where she then just starts to talk and starts to unload and starts to tell me why she's not Catholic anymore. And gosh y'all, it was a lot. And I didn't have answers to all of it. So I just let her talk and just kind of spill her guts about the reason she left the church and the hurt that she felt and the people that she loved that felt excluded in all of it. And the next thing I know, our plane is landing. And so the wheels hit the ground and she kind of like comes out of this trance. And she went, I'm so sorry, I have been blabbing at you for two hours. And I went, it's okay. I talk a lot so it's nice to listen. And she smiled and she said, you're still Catholic? And I said, yeah, yeah, pretty Catholic. And she said, why? It was such a genuine ask. And that's the question we all ultimately are answering, right? Why be this? The other day I tried to explain relics to my five-year-old, that's hard to do. Like, why be Catholic? We have people's hair and little things up on alters and like they have to tell five-year-olds that didn't come from a weird place, like I promise, right? It was Maria Goretti too. So it was like even doubly more exhausting to try to explain like, yeah, she was killed. But like, you don't have to worry about that. But like, embrace the response of Jesus. Like, it was, why be Catholic? Why do this in a world that hates us sometimes? Why be Catholic? It's hard to explain. Why be Catholic? It's a hard life to embrace. And I just, the Lord gave me some words in those moments to share with her about when my life was changed at a youth conference when I was a junior going into my senior year of high school one summer. I wasn't even supposed to be at the conference. My grandparents drug me along because they were serving dinner that night. And I met the Lord and everything was changed. I was a different person. And I just had a few minutes because we are taxiing rather quickly to the gate. And she looked at me and she said, thanks for sharing. I'm actually on this flight to head to Kansas City. My grandma is dying, so I'm going to say goodbye. I went, oh, I'm so sorry. I said, my grandma Libby died in June of 2020. And she went, oh my gosh, my grandma's name is Libby. So this woman that I've been sitting with for two hours that I know a lot of her life story and she knows like a very, very tiny part of mine. We have this connection moment. And she said, she's still really Catholic. I said, oh, it's really beautiful. It's good that you're going. It's important to be there. She kind of nodded. We're getting closer to the gate. Didn't quite know how to end it. I'm good at ending a talk. I'm not good at ending a conversation in a bulkhead seat on a long flight with somebody who's told you why they disaffiliated from the church. And I just felt this push like on my back because this is how God is sometimes. He just kind of pushes you. And I felt that velvet again. And I once upon a time really loved that velvet feel and now it kind of annoys me because it's like you're about to ask me something. And I thought you didn't want things from me but this isn't ask. And I heard it clear as a bell. Give it to her. And I went like mentally, what? Give it to her. And I went, no, it's mine. Come on, like. And I could feel the rosary in my pocket. Had a little bit of heft to it. I've had this rosary for a very long time. It was blessed by John Paul II. Been into the 16th Pope Francis. It's been touched to a ton of relics. It's been dunked in the waters of lords. It's gone in front of the tilma in Mexico City. Like this was other than my wedding ring, my most prized possession. And God is asking me to give it to a stranger. Give it to her. And I am like fighting him. And I'm sure she thought I looked a little weird because I'm just kind of like zoned out in this moment. But she's like messing with her bag and the conversation's kind of like held for a moment. Give it to her. Then I heard it again. Give it to her. I'll give you another one. I'll give you another one. And I wanted to go like, I'm not sure you can. Like some of those people are no longer with us. You should know that. But then again, as I'm like wrestling with Jesus and I wanna say to him, do you not care? Like, this is something important to me. Do you not care? Give it to her. I'll give you another one. And I don't know, I'm in the business of believing God these days. And if he says, do something and I'll do something in return. Not as this transaction, but because I love you and you're good and you're worthy and you are mine, then I believe that he will. So I pulled out of my pocket and I went to hand it to her and she went, oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Like she must have like known. And I went, no, it's okay. And I handed it to her. And I said, I want you to pray it with your grandma Libby. Even if you don't remember all the words, even if it's really uncomfortable. Like I just, I want you to have this. And I kind of told her where it had been. At this point, she's kind of starting to tear up but she like puts it in her pocket real quick because I think she thought I was going to snatch it back. And she packs up her bag and I pack up my bag. At this point, we're getting off the plane and we did that like awkward, like goodbye but then have to walk in the same direction with each other, which Southerners do all the time. So I'm a pro. So like we're like doing this little Cajun crawl off the jet bridge. And we get to the top and we're about to part ways and she turned to me and she grabbed my hand and she said, I just really want to thank you for listening. I said, you're so welcome. Thank you for sharing. And she said, I just, I feel really loved and I haven't felt that from the church in a really long time. I said, I'm so glad. Praise God, we'd love to have you back. Come home. And I realized like, is that a weird sales pitch? Like, could I just like ruin the moment? And she gave me a hug and it was one of those like hugs of like, I'll never see this woman again. But that one of those weighted hugs. God is a good father who loves you so much that when he asks you to do wild and crazy things it's not because he wants something from you, it's because ultimately he wants to give you something incredible and good. And I'm convinced you didn't come to Steubenville, Ohio which my child is convinced is the best place on earth. You didn't just come here because you need to check off lists from a workshop. You didn't just come here because there's like things that you need to learn. You came here looking for respite and for rest and to be able to tell the Lord, I want to know that you care and I want to know that I'm loved by you. And I deeply believe that in our time in this field house tonight which turns into a cathedral in this stage which turns into a sanctuary that we will have the opportunity and the chance to hear that, to hear that he has something for us to hear how valued and loved we are. And so I'm gonna do with you what we do with our young people at these conferences all summer long even though it smells a lot better in here. I'm gonna invite you to just sit up straight. I do it with the kids, sorry. I'm just like going into the host mode. You sit up straight, put your feet back on the floor, close your eyes. And if you just do a favor for me, just like take a deep breath, take a deep breath in. I'm always amazed by the idea that we can only ever hold one breath in our lungs at a time showing our intense fragility, right? Like this, our life is not our own. We're held in existence by God. Take a deep breath. And just open your hands in front of you just a posture of receptivity. And I want you to think for a second about all that you have done for the Lord, all that you feel like he's asked from you. And I would just encourage you to lay that down tonight. To set down the to-do lists, to turn off the email noise, to forget about what's waiting for you when this week is over and just allow yourself a moment of respite and rest. And ask Jesus to come into this place and to remind you of your value and your worth. Heavenly Father, I ask that you give us a sense of your goodness in this moment and that you reveal to us how worthy we are and how worthy you are and that you desire nothing more than all that we have to give you. Our brokenness, our hurt, our burdens, the weight that we carry, the work that we do that you want that, but you most of all want us. But as we come to you this evening and we just spend time in worship, we spend time in prayer, in your presence, I just ask that you give us a spirit of consolation to know that in all that we do, ultimately, you most value who we are. Then in all that we've achieved professionally that that can all be set aside and you just love us personally. And Mother Mary, spouse of the Spirit, I ask that you reveal to us the tender heart of God the Father in the loving arms of your Son and the movement and power of the Spirit so that we can understand the Lord's presence in a new way. That ultimately Lord, you are worthy of all of it and that we are worthy of all you have to give to us.