 So obviously a normal person doesn't make as many videos as I do so what the heck's going on and Think it all goes down to connection if you if you connect normally you probably don't make as many videos as I do and We often learn how to connect from our parents and so if you didn't Learn to connect with your parents in your first few years very likely Don't get that wiring to connect naturally and normally from early childhood and so Loneliness doesn't really have to do with how many people are in your life. I Think it's once again, it's a symptom of just lack of connection and And even even if you're in a room full of people You can feel very lonely and that's like the worst loneliness of all when you're in a room full of people and you feel lonely and that's happened to me a lot and Here's what typically has gone through my head in those situations. I Said thinking is there anyone here who cares about me and then When I relayed that to my therapist a few years ago My therapist said well, do you care about anyone? I was like, oh Like do I care about anyone in the room? Like I'm thinking and here, okay, but What about me? Do I care about anyone there and My therapist a few years ago as part of my healing process Encourage me to try caring about other people I'll give you I'll give you a line from my second grade report card. So and it really began regular school in second grade I went to a little bit of kindergarten when we're in England, but my parents believe in delaying start of your formal education so I at least started proper in second grade and I think on my first report card The teacher wrote Luke is always very eager to share his opinions with the class But he needs to learn to be more tolerant of the slower thinker so as you could see right there that I was going to be a future YouTube streamer one day always very eager to share my opinions But needs to learn to be more tolerant of the slower thinker So my lack of tolerance for the slower thinkers did not endear me to other students and as a result I often felt lonely. I remember we moved to California from Australia in June of 1977 and I was introduced to Some of my future classmates in sixth grade at the Pacific Union College pool and As soon as I met these kids the first thing I did was I started splashing water in their faces And then their immediate reaction was like who is this guy? like there was a there was a nice introduction made and I responded by smacking water into their faces Which has been a bit of a lifelong habit and So do you think that endeared me to them? That made me feel made them feel like oh, I really want to get to know Luke Ford. It seems like a great guy Like did that create? You know an opening for connection. No, not really it kind of started the precedent that I would be a guy with a scathing sense of humor and Saka and a challenge My my high school journalism teacher Perhaps closer to him than any other teacher in high school You you wrote in my high school yearbook. No other student has challenged me as much as you have and I hope that you've learned to become a gentleman Poor guy. He even unfriended me on Facebook a few years ago. I think I know I made the mistake of posting a Link to my blog on his wall and he must have reacted like who the heck is this guy? like I don't need this and So I had several teachers who told me I was the first challenging student they ever had and People who are challenging Doesn't really make you want to get close to them So because I didn't know how to connect with myself the other people and the guy to my higher purpose I was always keeping people at arms length and We suck asm with the scathing remarks put verbal aggression by splashing water in their faces Come on, let's go. I got streaming to do I got prep I got a four o'clock show with Kevin Michael Grace on the red hen incident with Sarah's Sanders and the coming civil war Man Okay So One of the kids that I'd splashed in the face with with water when I was Pacific Union College pool In in eighth grade when my dad was being sent to Washington DC to defend his theological views One of the kids was told by his mother to invite me home for lunch So I wasn't often invited people's homes for Sabbath lunch because the chip on my shoulder because of my verbal aggression and he said no way and He didn't want to expose himself to more scathing. So his mother made him invite me to lunch and There's one of the happiest memories of my life like I was with this normal healthy Reasonably happy family where there's a lot of joking and kidding around and good boundaries and It was like more more freedom in what you could eat I had a very restricted diet in my home And it was like everything was kind of micro managed This was just like a happy home and it was an amazing experience You could you could joke about things that you couldn't joke about in my home you could joke about girls in the class like in girls and That was strictly out. I remember when a girl once made the mistake of calling my home Like my mother like told us they're like Luke can't talk to girls this was like seventh grade can you imagine how embarrassing that was and The girl got the message. She never called again Remember my mother meaning my stepmother running down the The driveway saying look who's genie. He's genie clock. I said, I was just go from my class And said she called and you know, you're not allowed to talk to girls My my when my brother got a couple of girlfriends at about age 14 My my father marched over to their home and broke up the relationship. They were they were too young to be together But in this in this booth, I'm at Pacific Union College about November of 1979 you could you could laugh about these things you could joke about these things you could talk about these things and It's just really brought down the tension level and It's just one of the happiest memories of my life. I connected to this family and they played Big role in my life to the present day But particularly over the next five years through through eighth grade and high school. They often let me stay with them So I could finish off eighth grade with my class I was dreading having to go to Washington DC with my parents and having to start at a new class halfway through eighth grade and And When I was around the Muth family with my my weirdness and my skating It calmed down a bit my whole central nervous system calmed down Which which was a wonderful thing it kind of filled that hole in my soul That desire for connection But the problem was It always would end and then I'd have to go back to my home And and I found that comparatively cold and not a particularly Loving place Man, I'm trying to get a good iPhone holder this one like all the others it's not Not really doing the job Even though I jammed a doorstop into the Into the holder to try to keep this How we do so in the end loneliness is not something that can be filled by other people Loneliness is something that gets written into your brain circuitry and Stem that the loneliness and it would work at times for the first few months of a romantic relationship that would Kind of fill the void in my soul, but that never lasts in the final analysis you have to You have to do the work to rewire Your brain so that you learn to connect normally with yourself with other people and with God Because as long as you're ill at ease in yourself as long as you fail to clean up the wreckage of your past As long as you have failed to make amends to the people you have hurt You're not gonna be at ease with yourself. You're not gonna feel good about yourself, and that's gonna radiate out we all exert a force field and Whatever's going on with us. It just radiates out and People pick up on it people get the signals fast So till you learn to calm down your own central nervous system Now other people will get This sense that your ill at ease with yourself And they'll keep they'll keep a distance. They won't feel comfortable around you So there there are lots of ways you can start to calm down your central nervous system. You can do the alexander technique You can meditate You can be around People with secure attachment styles So someone with a secure attachment style is wired to connect with other people and feels comfortable connecting with others and Doesn't go around needlessly blowing up relationships and Like that can that can influence you probably even having having your own kids you can you can kind of redo the the problems with your own childhood through having children loving your children Paying attention to your children and giving to your children the things that you didn't get when you were a child So there are all these ways that we can rewire our brains Psychotherapy you can learn to connect with a psychotherapist Someone that you can tell you deepest darkest thoughts to and is a safe person. It's not going to mark you for it a sponsor in 12 step someone but You talk to on a regular basis Step work with share your moral inventory with your list of people that you have to make amends to your nine-step list Someone who gives you guidance on how to make amends Someone who Lives the life of recovery that you want So there are all these ways that one can learn to rewire the brain towards more secure attachment On the other hand you can get around people who are going to make your anxiety worse Okay, you can get around unhealthy abusive people who can You can tear you down reduce whatever level of secure attachment you have And turn you into an anxious or avoidant But they can Traumatically increase your anxiety someone who yells at you who's like always looking for the flaws in you Someone who's volatile someone who's not predictable being around someone like that is going to make you more anxious Gonna make you feel More that there's something broken and irredeemably bad about you So the people around just have a profound effect on us. Some people make us feel horrible Some people make us feel great like someone like David Suisse the editor and publisher of the Jewish Journal Being around David Suisse just makes you feel amazing He just lifts up everyone that he's around. He's a joy and We can be like that it's possible we can become someone who will lift up other people Make other people feel good feel inspired feel connected to the best selves or We can tear people down We can We can be volatile we can be unpredictable as as As we affect others they affect us and by By choosing the extent that we can Saying healthy people to be around is gonna have a profound effect on us You can choose a particular synagogue or church which is filled with healthy people or you can choose a synagogue or church Which is filled with by two prative angry nasty people You can choose, you know volunteer organizations which are filled with generous People or you can choose volunteer organizations filled with nasty people and Whoever you spend time around is gonna affect you, but yeah, you can rewire your psyche I feel I like myself now. I've learned to become a good friend to myself My psychotherapist talked about that for years, but I never really understood. What does it mean to be a good friend to yourself? These days most of the time. I'm a good friend to myself. I'm at ease with myself other people pick that up and so Connecting with other people in a superficial way or deeper or intense ways is a lot easier these days and That assuages the loneliness, but of course there are still Some neural pathways that I have not healed yet. Bye. Bye