 وأقولوا في القرآن ما جاءت به آياته فهو الكاريم المنزال وأقولوا قال الله جل جلاله والمصطفة الهدي ولا أتأوّاله الحمد لله رب العالمين والصلاة والسلام على عبد الله ورسوله نبينا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه أجمعين السلام وعليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته مرحباً لكم في another part of this short course on the Muslim family بروت to you by المدرسة العمارية ونحن now at the stage where we're talking about the problems that happen between husband and wife ونحن as I mentioned at the end of the last episode people might say well this short course about the Muslim family why are we talking about problems why do we not leave it at the obligations of the husband and the wife and then move on to talk about children and parents and siblings and other relatives in reality we have to understand that all marriages or almost all marriages have some degree of things happen in them some bumps in the road especially when that marriage has gone for a little time there are bumps in the road there are things that happen and we need to be aware of the best Islamic ways that we're supposed to deal with these things so that the marriage can last in a way that is pleasing to Allah سبحانه و تعالى and we need to start off by saying that الله عز و جل decreed and Allah سبحانه و تعالى chose for us the institution of marriage to be an institution that brings peace to husband and wife and it brings love, affection mercy and forgiveness and we've already spoken about this in the ayah in Surat Al-Rum و من آياته أن خلق لكم من أنفسكم أزواجاً لتسكنوا إليها و أجعل بينكم مودة و رحمة إن في ذلك لآيات لقومية فكرون from the signs of Allah is that He has created for you from yourself spouses that you may live together with them in tranquility and He has made between you love, affection love and affection and mercy indeed in this there are many signs for people who give thought so Allah عز و جل has made this institution of marriage to be happy a happy time to be a time where you find tranquility to be a life partner that helps you to worship Allah سبحانه و تعالى and Allah سبحانه و تعالى has put between husband and wife love affection care support for each other mercy forgiveness overlooking each other's faults and that's what we should go back to and that's why when we start this discussion on marital issues and marital problems we're going to go right back to the beginning and right back at the beginning is that the marriage should be one of tranquility and peacefulness and peace and happiness and love and affection and mercy and kindness and sometimes we don't always match the high standards that we have been set and that we would wish for ourselves and there are times when the marriage breaks down and has bumps in the road and problems that happen in the marriage and so we need to understand the framework that Islam has given us to deal with those to deal with those problems in this episode I'm going to really focus on general general things that will help you without getting into maybe all of the details of what happens when a woman no longer feels she can obey her husband or what happens when her husband no longer feels he wants to spend any time with his wife we're going to kind of delay those until a little bit later on but here we're just going to talk about general principles general rules and things that can help us as it relates to getting over some of the difficulties that sometimes happen in marriage the first principle that I want to mention and the first evidence that I want to mention is the statement of Allah عز وجل ربنا هبلنا من أزواجنا وذرياتنا قرّة أعيون وجعلنا للمتقين إماما Our Lord grant us from our wives in our offspring or our spouses in our offspring those which will be the coolness of our eyes the pleasure of our eyes and make us examples إمام's examples for the people of تقوى and I brought this ayah for two reasons as it relates to حل المشاكل الزوجي and getting out of marital problems the first is دعاء دعاء and turning back to Allah سبحانه وتعالى and asking Allah عز وجل to correct our spouses for us and to correct us for them because both are mentioned in the ayah ربنا هبلنا من أزواجنا وذرياتنا قرّة أعيون والله make our spouses make our children the pleasure of our eyes وجعلنا and make us examples for the people of تقوى so it contains asking Allah to correct our families and to correct us and to make that peace and that mercy and that love that brings that coolness to the eye the pleasure of the eye when it exists so it's a beautiful دعاء to make it's not the only دعاء it's a beautiful دعاء to make though and it contains in it a request to Allah سبحانه وتعالى to bring about the things which will bring about pleasure as it relates to our family and happiness to us and to make us our us our families our children our wives our spouses to make us all examples of تقوى examples for the people of تقوى and إمام is someone who is followed right like the إمام in the prayer is the one who is followed in the prayer who leads the prayer وجعلنا للمتقين إمام make us إمام make us examples who can be followed as an example for people of تقوى and this also tells us that ultimately if we want our marriage to be successful it's got to be based upon تقوى it's got to be based upon obedience to Allah and leaving disobedience to Allah and whatever problems we have whatever difficulties have happened to us in our marriage have only happened to us because we failed as it relates to تقوى of Allah and that's why it's famously said that ever befalls a people except because of their sins and it's never raised up except because of تقوى so تقوى turning to Allah leaving disobedience to Allah becoming more obedient to Allah trying to be an example for the righteous people trying to make ourselves and our families an example for others in terms of our تقوى and our coming near to Allah this is what he's going to bring about peace between the husband and wife and what's going to bring about the happy family that everybody wants to have so it's a nice place to start as it relates to talking about solving issues that relate to the marriage our next ayah this ayah this ayah we brought it for two reasons number one the ayah talks about some of the difficulties that the Prophet ﷺ had in a situation that happened with some of his wives and that tells us that even the household of the Prophet ﷺ there were some difficulties there were sometimes some things that happened there were sometimes some challenges that happened between the Prophet ﷺ and between one or more of his wives and so if it happened to the Prophet ﷺ we should not be surprised that would happen with those who are far far less than the Prophet ﷺ in their تقوى and their fear of Allah and their nearness to Allah so ultimately if it happened to the Prophet ﷺ we should not be surprised that there might be some difficulties sometimes in our marriages as well and I also wanted to highlight the statement of Allah ﷺ the Prophet ﷺ recognised a part of it and he left a part of it and this is a really important principle as it relates to the issue of how the husband should deal with issues that come up in the marriage and that is that for some of them it's better just to let it go and to walk away you can't pull upon every single individual issue and you can't you can't get into every single problem rather there are some things that you have to turn away from you have to let them go and you have to let them pass and that's why the Prophet ﷺ he let it go he let it pass and so this is something also that we can take from this ayah as a benefit some of the people of knowledge they mentioned that this mentions that the need of the husband to let things go and not to pull his wife up for every single thing but to focus on the things which are the most important in the sight of Allah ﷺ and that's what the Prophet ﷺ قال he said the most the one who knows everything and the one who is the most aware of everything is the one who inform Allah ﷺ so what matters is what is important in the sight of Allah and as for some of the smaller things then if the husband lets them go and lets them pass then this is from the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ and there are other ayat and a hadith which indicate this as well and we might come to some of them and this is the hadith or mother Aisha رضي الله عنها in which she said in it she said that the Prophet the Messenger of Allah ﷺ he never took revenge for himself but when it was a matter that was from the haram the things that were there the boundaries that were set by Allah that's when the Prophet ﷺ took the matter to hand and took it seriously and took action based on it otherwise for himself and his own personal things he didn't take revenge or he didn't make it into a big thing when it was something for himself but when it was something related to the haram the Prophet ﷺ would take action and I think this is a beautiful principle that a husband should use to monitor and manage what goes on in his house if it's something that his wife does and likewise it also applies to the wife in terms of what she gets what should she complain about and what should she raise as an issue and what should she make a fuss about let's just let go ultimately there are going to be things that relate to the haram and the things that relate to the haram those are the things that should be important those are the things that should be red lines the haram should be a red line as for the things that relate to personal issues the person should learn to let go the things that are personal to them and that don't involve something which is haram in the sight of Allah it's a personal issue and for example many husbands pull up their wives and have a go at their wives for things which are personal tastes of theirs they don't really relate to the haram it's just personally I like my dinner a certain way and I like my clothing put a certain way and these were like it's not it's not befitting for a husband to pull his wife upon these issues rather he should leave his his serious side to that which relates to the haram primarily even if he has a right to ask his wife to respect his the things that he thinks are important and likewise has a right to a certain extent in that but what should really matter is when it falls into the haram that's when it should be serious and that's when it should be important when it relates to personal preferences and personal issues then as much as a person is able to overlook those that will help to reduce the amount of marital problems and marital discord that could happen between the husband and the wife and in this there is a beautiful and comprehensive statement of Allah at the end of an ayah in صورة البقرة in which Allah said ولا تنسأ الفضل بينكم إن الله بما تعملون بصير do not forget that grace that exists among you that wonderful behaviour between the two of you and that graciousness you know being graceful being kind to one another don't forget that between you indeed Allah is all seeing of what you do and this has a couple of of principles we can take out of it as it relates to solving issues of marital discord number one don't make Islam a stick that you beat your spouse with and that usually happens from the spouse that is more knowledgeable towards the one that is less knowledgeable but not always but usually it happens like that and I mean that could be either the wife could be more knowledgeable the husband could be more knowledgeable don't use Islam as like a weapon to to attack your spouse with and someone starts saying well I saw in this video and you don't do this and it's not sincere if that makes sense it's not genuine advice it's not نصيح for the sake of Allah where a person is saying look honestly I think you know if we could work on this insha'Allah we would have a happier marriage it's just a matter of winning points you know I know a hadith I'm going to use it against you I can bring this I saw it in a video I'm going to use it against you I memorise this hadith I'm going to use it against you while I attend Don't forget the grace and the graciousness that you should have towards each other don't use Islam insincerely like that as a way to attack each other but make it sincere الدين النصيحة this religion is sincerity towards people sincere advice and sincerity and that includes the husband towards the wife and the wife towards the husband we saw a wonderful example of that with رضي الله عنها and we saw examples of that from the husband to the wife the wife to the husband from all the examples we mentioned of that beautiful نصيحة and sincerity between the husband and the wife وَلَا تَنْ سَأُلْ فَضْلَا بَيْنَكُمْ Don't forget to be graceful and gracious and kind and considerate to one another and this ayah was mentioned as it relates to divorce this ayah comes among the ayahs in صورة البقرة that deal with divorce so even in that extent even when the situation of marital discord reaches such a level as the couple are actually on the way of breaking up their marriage still there should be that fuddle that graciousness between each other and so when we're talking about the problems that exist between husband and wife should never get to the point where Islam is being used as a crude stick to kind of beat the other person with and just score points that I'm better than you or I know more than you or whatever it might be it's also really important and another benefit we can mention here is the importance of being precise when describing the problems that happen between husband and wife there are a couple of points that I want to raise here I think first of all one of the most important things is when to discuss problems it's never a good idea to discuss problems with one another when you are angry with each other so the anger is gone it's flared up and bad words have been said and you know people are shouting at each other and maybe one of them stormed out the room or whatever has happened at that point it's not a good time to go and see the other person and then start going through the problems in the marriage and trying to solve them it's important to have that discussion when you're talking about problems in the marriage between husband and wife to have that discussion with grace to be graceful and to be gracious towards each other as it relates to discussing marital problems you know be gracious to each other be kind towards each other and to do that you have to pick the right time to discuss these problems you have to discuss them at the right time in the right place when the two of you are in the right frame of mind to discuss some of the problems in a constructive way and that's part of what what we can take from the ayah being constructive when talking to each other about these things well I tend to say أبينكم don't forget graciousness between the two of you from the ayat that can give us principles that deal with solving marital problems is the statement of I swear by the soul that blames itself Allah only swears by that which is significant in His sight سبحانه وتعالى and one of the things that is significant in the sight of Allah is a soul that is that sees itself as being at fault now no doubt this first of all refers to your relationship between you and Allah that you see the sins you do that you appreciate the fact that you that you are blame worthy in the sight of Allah but it's also a very good way of approaching marital problems instead of blaming the other person look at yourself look at what you might have done that didn't match the standards that you would want for yourself and if anyone is honest from among husband and wife and they look at themselves honesty they will see many things in their own behavior which are blame worthy and which are deserving of being corrected and for a person to start with those instead of starting with those of their spouse is a huge sign of إيمان and and nearness to Allah سبحانه وتعالى that a person looks at themselves first وَلَا أُقْصِمُوا بِنَّفْسِ اللَّوَامَ and I swear by the soul that blames itself and for a person to look at themselves and say I have got my faults and yes the person is in that situation because they are upset with their wife about something that their wife has done or the wife is upset with the husband about something and that's why they're in that situation but for a person to have the maturity to say you know what it is I'm not innocent I have my own faults and to work on those more that is a sign of Allah is a sign of إخلاص of sincerity before Allah سبحانه وتعالى because you realize that every one of your faults will be or could be a cause for misery يوم القيامة so you want to get rid of as many of them as possible and you're more worried about your own faults than you are about the faults of your spouse because you the end of the day if your spouse has faults and oppresses you then that can only be a means for you to be forgiven or raised in rank يوم القيامة whatever it might be but it's not the case that if you have faults and it may be you the one who are giving out your good deeds and taking on other people's bad deeds on the day of resurrection so that's why it's narrated from the likes of أمر ابن القطاب ربي الله وعنه and others they said that that they that they showed gratitude and kindness and they said may Allah reward the one who brings my faults to my attention and so the first person who should bring your faults to your attention is you the first person who should really know yourself is you and if you lie to yourself then what is there after that you know like how much worse does it have to get that a person lies to themselves and isn't honest with themselves about the faults that they have and it's easy to point a finger say my spouse doesn't do this and my spouse doesn't do that but it's not easy to look at yourself and say I don't do this and that doesn't mean that your spouse is perfect because all of us are all of us make mistakes but ultimately it means that we start by correcting our mistakes and we're not the more you do that the more you'll find it easier to get out of marital problems now that doesn't mean that your spouse is perfect and sometimes you'll put it here but my spouse is the one who you know did this and my spouse is the one who did that and that can be true but honestly when they see you correcting yourself they will want to correct themselves when they see you looking at your mistakes they will want to look at you correcting yourself and being honest with yourself they will want to do the same generally speaking it's very rare that it doesn't work like that it's very very rare that the situation happens that a person sees their spouse correcting themselves and then they say I'm not going to do anything or I don't have to do anything see I told you it was your fault it's very rare that happens and it's very advanced stage of discord usually the case when you're yourself they themselves will make that effort to correct themselves as well and insha'Allah this is بإذن الله a beneficial principle as it relates to marital discord try to blame yourself first and look at yourself first and correct yourself first that will make a big difference insha'Allah in helping your spouse to come to the same conclusion and take the same and take the same أبي هريرة رضي الله عن narrated the messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم he said إن المرأة خرقت من ضلع لن تستقي ملك على طريقة he said indeed the woman was created from a rib and this rib no matter what you do it will never be straight for you لن تستقي ملك على طريقة ملك على طريقة ملك على طريقة that rib it's not going to be straight it's not going to be straight and therefore one of the things we can take from this and we're going to come back to it later on the topic of divorce إن شاء الله but one of the things we can take from this it's you can't about pulling your spouse especially not the husband towards his wife on every small fault because whatever you do و لا تستطيع أن تنظر لك كل شيء بشكل صحيح أن تنظر لك و لا يجب أن تفعلها بشكل مهم و هناك أقل الأشياء مختلفة التي تمكنك تفعلها يمكنك أن تفعلها بشكل مهم التي تكون كبير و سيارة و أخبرني هذا من الموضوع من الموضوع من الموضوع أليس سأجد أن تقوم بإمكانك حديث for it. But there are a couple of things that I would advise. I think you either look at big wins or quick wins. Big wins are things that are really important to you. And usually they are around about revolver on the haram and the harumat, the sacred, the boundaries of Allah. And they're big things, very serious. All you focus on quick wins. And quick wins are things that might be small. But if you can get some movement on the small things, in sha Allah, to out of the big things we'll follow. So it might be something small that you know, the husband, the wife say, look, we've got big issues between us. And we fear that we might actually end up, you know, this marriage is not going well. We're not happy with each other. I say, okay, what's the problem? And the problem is something big. It's a big thing. And it's huge. But there are some small things that could be done immediately, that would just make the situation instantly better. Just in a small way. It could be something simple. Like, when my husband comes in, he's got his phone in his hand. Small thing, just put your phone down when you come in. It's a quick win. It might not solve all the problems in your marriage. It might not be the big thing that is causing the marital problems. But it just makes everything so much easier. It's all, you know, my wife, when I ask her for such and such a thing, she does the opposite. It's a small thing. It's minor. But it can make a big difference. So there are two ways you can look at that. You can either look at the big things, which you have to work on. And ultimately, that's where you need to be. You need to get over those big things to solve this problem of the problems that exist between the husband and the wife. Get over the big things. But also look at the small things that you can do that will instantly make things better. Because often it's those small things that lead to the bigger things. When the husband and wife sit with each other and say, we want to, you know, we want to, we want to get over this big marital problem that we have. And we want to solve this big, huge marital issue that we have. Often that issue looks like a mountain in the eyes of the husband and the wife. They can't imagine getting over it. They can't imagine getting out of it. But when they start talking about very small and simple things, it's like, yeah, okay, you know, maybe I can't do ABC. But what I can do is this small thing. And that small thing leads to another small thing. And that small thing leads to another small thing. And that leads to finally to get over there, to get over their problems. So definitely you can't go about correcting everything. But when you're looking at correcting something, ideally, you're going to look at those big things that relate to the Haram. But sometimes in order to get to a stage where you can solve those big things, it helps for the quick wins. The small things that you can do that just make the two of you feel better about each other from the beginning. And it builds a foundation upon which you can go on to solve the bigger problems that exist. And that's just من باب النصيحة. From the point of advice from myself to the people who might be experiencing some difficulties in their marriage. We then come to an ayah, statement of Allah عزوجل وليعفوا وليصفحوا. Allah عزوجل said forgive and overlook. Do you not wish for Allah to forgive you? Forgive and overlook. Do you not wish for Allah to forgive you? And you know the story that came along with this ayah. The ayah in سورة النور. That in the story of the ifk that happened between our mother Aisha رضي الله عنها. When she was falsely accused of adultery. رضي الله عنها. And it got to the point where her marriage with the Prophet ﷺ it was it was very it became at a stage where it could have broken apart completely. And she had gone back to her parents' house. And the Prophet ﷺ was getting conflicting advice about what to do. And he was feeling conflicted ﷺ about the situation. It was a very very serious situation indeed. And in that time there was a صحابي who أبو بكر عائش his father أبو بكر رضي الله تعالى عنه عرضا. He was looking after that صحابي and his name was مصطح. And Abu Bakr was looking after him because he was a poor relative of Abu Bakr. And Abu Bakr he swore that I am not gonna help him now again. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna give him anything because even though he was a good person but he got himself involved in spreading this rumor. And you can see he got caught up in the crowd. And he got he started spreading this rumor about عائشة. Even though Abu Bakr عائش his father was the one that was providing for him given him given him you know his his financial support. And but even because of that he was but he had spread that rumor about عائشة رضي الله عنها. And Abu Bakr had swore that I'm not gonna give this person. I'm not gonna give him any more help because of what he said about عائشة. And Allah عز وجل revealed this آية واليعفوا واليصفحوا. Let them forgive and let them overlook. Do you not wish that Allah will forgive you? ألا تحبونه يغفر الله لكم. Don't you wish that الله عز وجل will forgive you? And I think this is it's profound really when you think about it. That how serious that situation was. And still Abu Bakr was told to forgive him an overlook. Whatever any husband has done to his wife. Whatever any wife has done to her husband. He's not gonna reach what مصطح did to Abu Bakr and عائشة رضي الله عنهم اجمعين. But Allah was Allah commanded Abu Bakr to forgive and to overlook. And that's what has to be the basis of solving these marital problems. Forgiveness not going back and bringing the past stuff over and over again. And overlooking people's mistakes in order that Allah would forgive you. And that I believe is a very important قاعدة. A principle as it relates to dealing with problems between husband and wife. Let them forgive. Let them overlook. Let them leave the past in the past. Let them look to move forward. And what did Abu Bakr say? He swore that I'm not going to stop giving him now. Since that I was revealed. He swore I will not stop giving him. And he continued to give him and support him financially. He didn't bring that past up again. He didn't go back to that issue and keep bringing it up again and again. And likewise. And this issue the issues we're talking about in marital discord are way less than that. Don't bring the issues up. Don't bring the past up. Solve the problem. Ask forgiveness. Stop doing it. Make changes. And move on as a couple together. This I believe is a very important principle. And that's what we have time for in this episode. And Allah عزو جلنو's best. والصلاة والسلام علي بي محمد وعلى آله وصحبه أجمعين. السلام عليكم. 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