 The Kraft Foods Company presents Willard Waterman as the great Gildesleeve. Brought to you partially transcribed by the Kraft Foods Company. Kraft, makers of the one and only Miracle Whip salad dressing. We say one and only because there just isn't any other salad dressing like Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip is different and it tastes different. Miracle Whip tastes so good it's become the most popular salad dressing ever created. More Miracle Whip is sold than the next 20 leading brands of salad dressing combined. Try it. Make your salads better tasting with a one and only Miracle Whip. Gildesleeve's cousin Emily has been visiting him for a week now and she's captivated everybody. Perhaps her most ardent supporter is Leroy, which means that Leroy doesn't spend so much time with a great Gildesleeve. But does this disturb his doting uncle? You bet. I'm not particularly upset about it, Bertie. No, sir. I'm glad Leroy likes Emily. But I don't see why he has to follow her around like a puppy dog. No, sir. Of course I can see Leroy enjoys doing things with her. Yes, sir. I'm afraid the boy will monopolize her time. Make a nuisance of himself and she won't enjoy her visit. Yes, sir. Leroy should spend more time with me. I mean, let her spend more time with somebody else. She's made a lot of friends. Yes, sir. My friends seem to like her better than they do me. Yes, sir. In fact, Bertie, I can't think of anybody who doesn't like her. No, sir. There has to be something wrong with anybody who doesn't like her. Yes, sir. But what's wrong with me? She didn't tell me. Or did she? Oh, well. I don't know why I'm fretting about nothing. Cousin Emily's new in the house and when the novelty wears off, Leroy and I'll be the same old pals. This is as close as ever. Not that we've ever drifted apart. Hi, hon. Good morning, Leroy. Nice to see you, my boy. It is? You're all spruced up, too. Hair parted in the middle. Looks nice. Cousin Emily's idea. Well, I guess I like it better parted on the side. You'll get to like it. What's for breakfast? Leroy, before breakfast, would you mind running out and getting the morning paper? God, I shan't before I ease. I need food. Haven't eaten since way last night. Not too week to make it to the yard. All right, my boy. Just thought you'd like to do something for your old uncle. Sure, I'd ask for breakfast. Hey, here comes Emmy. Leroy, let's not call her Emmy. It's Cousin Emily. Good morning, Frog Morton. Well, good morning, Emily. Hi, Emmy. I mean Cousin Emily. It's Emmy to you. We're pals, aren't we? Sure, Emmy. Yes, yes. Leroy, after breakfast, would you run down to the corner and mail this letter for me? Heck, I'll do it now. Thank you. Leroy, I thought you were too weak to walk. Oh, my goodness. It's so sweet of Leroy to run down before breakfast. I really should have written Georgie days ago. Georgie? Well, you know, that cute curly-headed boy I met on the train. Oh, him. Well, Emmy, let's sit down at the table. And I haven't written Roger. And poor Bobo. I can see him pacing up and down in front of his tent, waiting for a letter. Does Bobo live in the tent? Frog Morton, he's the cutest major in the whole United States, aren't he? Oh, well, good. Let's start with the grape root. It looks wonderful. Bertie serves the best food. Good thing I don't have to watch my waistline. But I'm so energetic and peppy, you know. I guess that's why I get so many compliments on my gorgeous figure. Mmm, yes. I'll bet anything it's Harry. Harry? She was out with him just last night. He wouldn't be calling at this hour of the morning. It is Harry. How does she do it? Harry, you naughty boy. You shouldn't call before breakfast. Of course I haven't had breakfast. I need my beauty sleep. Oh, Harry, you say the nicest things. Oh, brother, she's living in another world. Of course you're a real doll to ask me, but I can't possibly go. She can go as far as I'm concerned. I promise to take my little cousin Leroy swimming this afternoon. Now hang up like a good boy, I have to have breakfast. Goodbye, Harry. Call again? You'll call again. At least you remember to bring me the paper. Here's the one paper, Emmie. Ross Morton, wouldn't you like to read the paper? No, thank you. I'll just sit here and read the handwriting on the wall. Have you had his breakfast? No, sir, he's upstairs cleaning his room. Cleaning his room? Miss Emily got him in the habit of doing that every morning. Oh, busy, buddy. What's that, Miss Kilfield? It's nothing, Birdie. I'll see Leroy upstairs. Yeah. I think I'll take Leroy down to the office with me this morning. Get him away for a while. He's always asking to go there. You'll be nice for Emily, too. Give her a chance to write to Roger and Major Bobo. You can talk to Harry on the telephone. Leroy, it's me. It's me. Cleaning your room, I see. Yeah. How'd you like to get down to the office with me this morning? Oh, gosh, what about Emmie? Well, I know she's taking you swimming this afternoon, but I thought you'd like to fool around the office with me this morning. Gee, Aunt Kimmy's going to show me how to tap dance this morning. Tap dance? Yeah, she put taps on my shoes and everything. Look. Yes, well, I just thought you'd like to go to the office with me. Some other time, Mark. Sure. Some other time. Leroy. Yeah? I don't have to go to the office. Remember, we could do something else, just you and me. Gee, Aunt Kimmy. Well, I happen to know Emily would like to write some lyrics. While she does that, you and I could go see that new movie at the Strand. Well, Emmie and I saw it yesterday. Oh. Well, I think you'd like it, Aunt. Well, I don't want to go alone. Do you have something we can all do? You do? Great. What is it? You can come along and change the records while Emmie and I tap dance. Oh, no, thanks. I have to go to the office. I have an emotion to have a talk with her back in some underhanded way. Yeah, I mean undercover. Well, I think you understand. What can I do for you today? Well, I'm on my way to the office, P.D., and thought I'd pick up a magazine. Do you want to come on up with your work at the office or just planning to read until the work catches up with you? P.D., I just want to occupy my mind. I take it there's a vacancy there. Oh, all right, P.D. I'm trying to forget my problems. See, I'll take this news magazine. Yeah, man. P.D., have you ever watched somebody you were fond of drift away from you? Yes, I recall this summer we were vacationing at Niagara Falls and Mrs. Peavey drifted away. Oh? She got in a canoe without a paddle. I tell you, I was worried when I yelled for help and nobody took me seriously. They didn't? No. You see, Mrs. Peavey was a little heavy in those days and they just thought it was somebody going over the falls in a barrel. Oh, my goodness. Peavey, I don't believe it. Neither do I. I was just trying to help you forget your problems. It'll take more than a tall story. Frankly, Peavey, cousin Emily doesn't realize it, but she's drawing Leroy away from me. You don't say. She's always doing things with it. I never see him anymore. Well, if I was Leroy, I'd rather be with her, too. Oh, you wouldn't, Peavey. For instance, today she's teaching him to tap dance. My, my. That's no activity for a two-fisted boy like Leroy. I wonder if she'd care to give me some dancing lessons. Peavey. I wouldn't care to tap dance, but I've always wanted to learn the condo. Ta-ta-ta-ta-boom-boom. Ta-ta-ta-ta-boom-boom. Peavey, stop it. You know, I could always do the ta ta, but I never got the hang of the compounded boom-boom. Now, Peavey, be serious a minute. Why do you suppose Leroy suddenly prefers cousin Emily to me? Well, she's a live one. What interesting things have you offered to do with a boy? Well, I only this morning. I invited him to go with me to the office and sweep out. But he preferred to tap dance. Yeah. Darn cousin. Must have done this lately. It's not the suggestion, but you might try doing things with Leroy that she can't do. Oh? Let's see now. What can you do that your cousin Emily can't do? Well... Chances are you can smoke more cigars than he can. All right, Peavey. And if you want to compete in something strenuous, you might persuade her to end in Russell. You have a considerable advantage in weight. Peavey, I wouldn't take an unfair advantage of my own cousin. No, no, I wouldn't say that. The little silly neighbor is throwing this baseball against the side of the house. Yeah. If I judge, the thing to do is get Leroy interested in a he-man sport. Yeah. When Leroy sees me out here, he'll forget all about tap dancing and come running. Let me see if I can curve this ball. In fact, you still have your old stuff. In college, I was the best substitute pitcher the scrubs ever had. I can trap Emily into playing ball. Get a little fraud, Gordon, playing baseball. Yeah. Hey, you got a new bat and glove. Just happened to pick them up on the way home. Good game for me. I'll say. Well, Leroy, care to play a little game? You and me? Oh, sure. But what about Emmy? Oh, I don't think Emily knows much about baseball. She can sit on the porch and watch. Now, wait a minute. I'm not interested on the sidelines. I want to play. Well, if you insist. Oh, boy, who's got a bat first? Me. Could I try a pitching? You bet. But let's get away out on the street. I'm quite a slugger. OK. I'll catch an umpire. You'll find me, Leroy. No, no, let's go a little farther. I hit a long ball. I don't want to break one of my windows. Gosh, nobody can break a window from here. Well, guess not. Now, Emily, this manhole cover will be home plate. The idea is to throw the ball across the plate. Pitch it across, Emily. I'm used to a man pitching. Throw this one a little harder. It didn't swing. Besides, that one was outside. How do you know? You didn't even see it. No, not the cover off at this time. But this one may curve. Yes. He's one of them good hitters. And I was a pitcher. Here's the bat. Give me that ball. You left the bat both left and right to hit this one. Playing, I'm dead serious. Lots and lots of ways to make a salad special. You can garnish it with fancy radish roses. You slice the fluted cucumbers. Or add carrot curls or bits of fresh herbs. You can serve that salad in a handsome salad bowl or on your most elegant platter. But if the salad dressing you use isn't just right, you're bound to be disappointed with the results. So use care in your choice of salad dressing. If you want a dressing with a lively teasing flavor, a flavor that's not too mild, just sharp enough, a flavor that's really delicious. Use Miracle Whip salad dressing. Miracle Whip has a flavor you won't find in any other salad dressing anywhere because it's made from a secret craft recipe. 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Then the mighty Gilder Sleeve struck out. She not only struck me out, Bertie, but when I lobbed one over to her, she really double-crossed me. Yes, I heard the ball go through the window. That was a home if I ever saw one right into your home. Mind, George, I've been wishing to make her pay for the window. Yes. Leroy, of course, thought it was very funny. She sure made a hit with Leroy. There must be something I can do that she can't do. Emily's the smallest Amazon I ever saw. Hi, Bertie. Well, Leroy. Hello, Leroy. Where's Emmy? Oh, who knows? She went both thin with that Mr. Harry and his shark shoes convertible. You know, it's kind of awesome here when she isn't around. Well, Leroy, your old uncle's here. Yeah. We don't need Emily around every minute, Leroy. Before she came, you and I did things together. We can do things together again. Well... If there's something you want to do, you just name it. Anything at all. I'm ready. I'm ready. Anxious. Coming, Bertie. You think it over while I answer the phone, my boy. Okay, huh? You got that little smile on your face like the cat that ate the canary. You up to something? Bertie, if you could do practically anything you wanted to do, what would you do? Well, that depends. I think I'll start by getting them to take me horseback riding today. Leroy, you know your uncle's afraid of horses. He don't want to go riding. If any came, he wants to do anything I want to do. Now, Leroy, don't you go playing both ends against the middle. Oh, God. Bertie, how often does a guy get a chance like this? Leroy Foster, you listen to me. Well, that was Judge Hooker. He wanted me to drive over to Center City with him. Yeah? But I told him you and I had plans. Now, let's see. What are the plans? Uh, how about taking me horseback riding this afternoon? Have to make something. Horseback riding? On a horse? I could do, Aunt. Real he-man stuff. Well, there are other he-man things we could do. We could take a hike around the reservoir. Oh, if anybody can take a hike, even girls. Even Emmie. Why don't we do something Emmie can't do? Well, that's the idea. Yeah, I mean, we just might go horseback riding. Well, Emmie won't feel left out if we do, won't she? Uh, she's from the city. She couldn't ride a horse without a steering wheel. Of course, if she does feel left out, I can do something with her later. Leroy. And then I'll do something with you again. Well, let's settle for the horseback ride for now. Come on, Leroy. Okay. If we hurry, Emmie needn't know where we are. Hi, Flock Morgan. Hi. Where you boys off to? Well... How's taking me horseback riding? I've forgotten that people ride horses. That's a horse on her. But I'm game. I'll go along with you. That's a horse on me. I'm going to take the biggest piece of cake. Perhaps Emmie would like to ride the high one. Oh. My ski dad loved the way. She's nervous. She's pushed her luck too far. Well, so am I, but she'll never know it. Oh, come on. Let's get going. Well, I'll help you into the saddle, Leroy. No, I don't need any help. You worry about getting on yourself. Never mind. Never mind. She hopped in the saddle like hop along Cassidy. No. Don't rush me, Leroy. I wonder why they call him Cyclone. Come on, Cyclone. We're going to catch him. Gildersleeve, I'm afraid you'll never be able to sit a horse. How can I sit on him when he keeps bouncing up and down? Well, let's try going around the corral once again. Get on the horse, Gildersleeve. You help. Gildersleeve. Yeah? You lift yourself up. Well, you don't try to pull the saddle down. How do you lift yourself up? Sorry, Cyclone. I know just how you feel. Yes, yes. Gibson, are you being sarcastic? I didn't pay you $10 to insult me. Oh, yes, $10. What do I do for money? Points of horsemanship with Mr. Gibson here. You mean a horse? Gildersleeve, let's begin again. Well, I... This time, why don't we put the saddle on a bale of hay and start from there? Gibson. Mr. Gibson, you're so wonderful with horses. I wonder if you teach me to ride. Well, I'd be delighted. Good. How about right now? Emily. But, Miss Emily, I watched you ride, and frankly, I've never seen a more beautiful horsewoman. Well, but just because I'm pretty doesn't mean I know a thing about horses. Come on, Mr. Gibson. Show me how to get on a horse. Emily, you don't need Mr. Gibson. Well, I feel a little silly trying to tell you anything about it, but... Oh, come on, and lift me into the saddle. Lift you in. Well... I'm a beginner. Delighted. Excuse me, Mr. Gildersleeve. I'll just take your horse. Come along, St. Claude. Taking a riding lesson on my $10. Honk. Yes, my boy. That's the best $10 I ever spent. 30 seconds. Wonderful partner for salads and cold cuts. That's deviled eggs. And for some of the most delicious deviled eggs tasted, make them with miracle whip salad dressing. Miracle whip has a lively teasing flavor, a peppy flavor that's just right for those eggs. It's a different flavor, too. One you won't find in any other salad dressing. Get a jar of delicious miracle whip tomorrow for extra good deviled eggs and for some of the best tasting salads you've ever put a fork to. There's nothing like miracle whip. I'll knock this one clear to the next county. You're winning Leroy away from me. He's forgotten about her already. You ready, honk? Sweet. Who's that coming up the street? Mmm. Nice. Pretty far away. Oh, brother. Wonder who that is. You ready, honk? Maybe if I hit the ball down that way, I can go down after it. Get a better look at it. Oh! You're all right, Leroy. The boy's probably tired of playing baseball anyway. She's new in the neighborhood. The least I can do is introduce myself to her. Be sociable. Hey, I'll get up to the plate. Yeah, quite a dish. Yeah, I mean, plate. I mean, go ahead, my boy. Pitch it over. Hey, Tom! I'll hit her right down there toward her. George is coming down right where she is. You want a break? No, wait! Come back, miss. I'll get it. Hey, she caught it! Oops. You're out, Frost Morton. Emily! Oh, my goodness. Good night, folks. See you next week. Played by Willard Mortimer. The show is written by John Elliott and Andy White and is partially transcribed. Included in the cast are Walter Tetley, Lillian Randolph, Charlotte Lawrence, George Niece, and Dick Legrand. Musical compositions by Jack Meakin. This is John Easton saying good night for the Kraft Foods Company, makers of the famous line of Kraft quality food products. Be sure to listen in next Wednesday and every Wednesday for the further adventures of The Great Kilda Sleeves. Having a picnic, make those picnic sandwiches taste extra good with miracle sandwich spread. Miracle sandwich spread is made by Kraft from America's favorite salad dressing, miracle whip, and spicy relishes. See what a wonderfully different flavor, what tang, miracle sandwich spread adds to your meter cheese sandwiches. Or use it alone between slices of bread for a sandwich that's really thrifty and quick and easy to fix. Stop at your grocer's first thing tomorrow and take home a jar of delicious miracle sandwich spread. Tonight, hear the best of Groucho on NBC.