 The Australian government is always proud to be at the cutting edge of innovation. That's why instead of the NBN and renewable energy, we're bringing you the very latest from 19th century technology, coal and rail. Introducing the Carmichael Coal and Rail project. A coal mine. Plus a train. Innovation. Once completed, it'll be the hugest new coal mine in the world. Plus a train. Which is gross, because as we know, coal is good for humanity, whereas renewables cause lightning and child drownings. To make crap, we'll also be guided by the latest in 19th century methodology, colonialism. That's why we're disregarding the protests of the Wangan and Jagalingu traditional owners. Who, just like those pesky natives at Standing Rock, are standing firmly in the way of our crap to defend their sacred country and waters from obliteration. By combining crap and colonialism, Australia is getting rid of many great barriers to progress, such as the Great Barrier Reef, which will dredge to make room for our expanded coal terminal. It's already half f**ked anyway, and nobody likes to see a job half done. The Great Artesian Basin, which crap will freely drain and contaminate. Crap will also help get rid of our current climate by digging up and burning 2.3 billion tonnes of coal. When we've been warned that the only way to avoid disasters to keep that shit in the ground. To achieve all this, we've hired an offshore company with extensive experience in human rights abuses, environmental destruction and corruption. Adani. When you put all this together, you can see why crap meets our full four-star f**king world rating. And that's why we've given crap critical infrastructure status, which allows us to ignore any concerns you might have in order to fast-track it to completion. Why didn't we give the NBN critical infrastructure status? What a silly question. The answer, of course.