 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribed the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Nick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetzli, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Everybody makes New Year's resolutions, but nobody makes them like Phil Harris. This year he's resolved to, but more about that later. First the word from RCA Victor. Folks, today two great names, RCA, world leader at radio and television, and a state maker of quality stoves since 1842, have been joined to bring you the new RCA Estate Range. The RCA Estate Range, with its exclusive grill, bake and barbecue features, offers new unique cooking methods, new flavors, new adventures in cooking. Take the hideaway griddle as designed for greaseless grilling. You'll enjoy steak, sandwiches, fruit or vegetable rings cooked by this new method better and much better for you than frying. Then there's RCA Estate's Barbecueer Separate Meat Ovens. Its radiant heat, just like glowing charcoal, gives real barbecued flavor to roasts, hams and chickens. The barbecueer lets you cook your meat while the big RCA Estate balanced heat bake oven is busy with pies or cakes. Both ovens are automatically controlled to turn on or off while you're out shopping, saving you precious hours. Stop at your RCA Estate dealers and ask to see an RCA Estate, the range used by the nation's foremost authority on good food, Duncan Hines in his own kitchen. Remember, for the finest in gas or electric ranges, it's RCA Estate. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. On New Year's Eve, Phil and Elliot went to a party sponsored by the Musician's Union. It was quite an affair and the boys haven't seen each other since then. And now as we look in, Elliot has just come over to the Harris House to see Phil. Well, how do you feel this morning, Curly? Like a two dollar cornet. One that's been hanging in a cold hawk shop when we overdid it a little bit, didn't we Clyde? I don't know, we're still alive. This is living. Look Elliot, we got to make a New Year's resolution to cut it out. You're absolutely right, Curly. All right, now here's the resolution. Starting today, we both agreed to give up drinking. Right. The thing I'm going to give up drinking is water. How about you? Well I was thinking of papaya juice. Or my ostrich egg flips. But maybe water would be, no look, now Elliot, we're going to do this right. I got a list here of things that we're not going to do anymore. Now listen closely to this. We hereby resolve to give up drinking, smoking, gambling and carousing. Now let's sign this paper. All right, we'll sign your paper first, then we'll sign mine. What's yours? A suicide pack. Oh but this time I'm keeping my resolutions and I got a few others too. Look, I'm giving up all my bad habits, especially the one vice that's been ruining my life more than anything else. What's that? You. You're giving me up? Not all at once. I'll cut down on you gradually. I may even have to take a cure to get rid of Curly, all right. What's this all about? I've suddenly realized that I've been neglecting my wife all because of you. Whenever you go any place, you insist that I go with you and then poor Alice has to sit home alone. You know, you're right, Curly, I have been thoughtless. I'll tell you what I'll do. From now on, whenever I go any place, I'll take Alice with me and you can sit home alone. That's not exactly what I had in mind. Look, I'm going to spend more time with my wife. I've been neglecting her for 12 years, but starting today, I'm going to be a model husband. I am not going to leave her side. Curly, you can't do that. We're supposed to leave on a three-day duck hunting trip tonight. I don't care. Duck hunting, huh? Yeah. Well, I've been neglecting her for 12 years, three more days, ain't I? No, no, look, I'm not going to put this off, Elliot. I've been taking Alice for granted, but from now on, that's going to change. I'm going to stop acting like her husband and start acting like her boyfriend. I don't think you can. He's much younger than you are. She ain't got no boyfriend. Look, I'm going to make love to her, Elliot. I'm going to make love to her the way I used to when we were courting. I'm going to sweep her into my arms. I'm going to crush her tummy and shower her with burning kisses. I hope she can still take it. I better make the kisses lukewarm for a starter. Really don't flatter yourself. It's been a long time since you've been a lover boy. Your technique may be a little rusty. Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I should go into training. Maybe I ought to get a couple of sparring partners and brush up. Have you tried this romantic approach on Alice yet? No, no, she's out shopping. But as soon as she gets back from the market, I'm going to let her know that her husband is still her lover. I'm going to prove to her that... I'm home, honey, and... you're back at last. Every moment you've been away has seemed like an eternity. But now that you're back, my precious one, I can live again. I must be in the wrong house. I'm sorry, Mr. I thought you were my husband. I'm more than your husband. I'm your sweetheart, the same freckle-faced boy you married 12 years ago. When I've missed you, my sweet, come into my arms so I can crush you to my bosom. Oh, Phil, be careful of these groceries I'm carrying. I forget everything when I see you, sweetheart. I just want to take you in my arms and squeeze you like this. You're getting brittle, Myrtle. Your bones are cracking like an old man's knee. Phil, those were the eggs I was carrying. You've broken every one of them. This guy's clever. He can make love and scramble eggs at the same time. Phil, what's the matter? What's come over you? Love! Mad, wild, impetuous love! Oh, I knew I shouldn't have bought him that Marilyn Monroe-ass tray. What's wrong with you? Nothing's wrong, honey. Can a man be in love with his wife? I haven't told you for a long time, but I think you're beautiful. You still possess the same qualities that made me take you for my wife. You have the same sparkling personality, the same beautiful face, the same slim figure, and the same fat bank account. That has changed. It's put on a little weight. Phil, why this sudden burst of affection? It isn't sudden, dear. It's always been there, but I've been thoughtless and haven't shown it, and I'm going to make up for that. Well, that's very sweet of you, honey. I'm going to act just the way I used to when I first met you. Do you have to? Please, I think ours was a beautiful romance, and I've made up my mind to marry you the first time I saw you. I knew that I wanted to marry you the very first time I laid my eyes on you. You were singing with Rudy Vallet's band. Ooh, those pains. And I used to come in every night, honey. I'd sit there and thrall, and I got a thrill every time you picked up your megaphone and sang, raise the steins to dear old Maine, shout till the rafters ring. That was Rudy. How do you like that? I married the wrong person. Oh, but, Alice, I used to love the way you sang, and I still do. In fact, I want you to sing for me right now. Ah, now you're talking sense. You'll be out of here in no time. I doubt it. I doubt it. It takes an earthquake to move a mountain. It takes a typhoon to turn up the sea. But what does it take to make you take to Maine? It takes a heat wave to melt an iceberg. It takes a blossom to bother a beard. But what does it take to make you take to Maine? You could have your way. Any way you want. You could have the moon. The moon, the moon. Anything you say. Anything you say. Only say it soon. When you're around, it takes a feather to knock me over. It takes a nitwit to tell you I'm free. Cause, baby, I'm just your humble servant, making your servant clean. What does it take to make you take to Maine? To me, to me, to me. We don't believe in letting problems hang around unsolved. But, oh, isn't this involved? It takes a windstorm to blow down buildings. It takes a shipwreck to create debris. But what does it take to make you take to Maine? It takes a rainstorm to melt a snowdrift. It takes a big shift to sail on the sea. Oh, but what does it take to make you take to Maine? You could have your way. You could have the moon. Anything you say. Only say it soon. When you're around, it takes a feather to knock me over. It takes a nitwit to tell you I'm free. Cause, baby, I'm just your humble servant, making this fervent plea. What does it take to make you take to Maine? Hey, Alice. Wasn't it curly? Yeah. And now, Alice, if you'll get your best clothes on, I'm going to take you wherever you want to go. This is your day. Oh, that'll be fun. Now, first of all, we'll go to my dressmaker for a fitting. Then to the hairdressers for a couple of hours. Then we'll go to the Garden Girls of America for the flower arranging class. From there, we'll go to Mother's for Tea. That'll bring us home just in time to spend a nice evening with my knitting class. And then Phil will... Phil, where'd he go? I'm down here on the floor with a teaspoon and a needle. What happened? Well, the excitement was too much for me. I blacked out. I thought of spending a day with the Garden Girls of America so I, ooh, hold me. I'm starting to go again. Needn't be sarcastic. You asked me what I want to do, and I told you. I know, honey, but I want you to have fun. I want to take you to romantic places where the two of us can really enjoy ourselves. Now, let me plan the day. All right, dear. What do we do? Okay. Now, we're going to start out by going down to the pool room and shooting a few games of snooker. Then we'll go over to the barber shop to get it all. Then down to the follies for a burlesque matinee and then we'll top it off by going to the main street, Jim, and watch the fighters work out. Can I go like this, or should I wear me broken nose and cauliflower ear? Thanks, Rocky. Phil, I'm not going. That's appreciation. The guy tries to get romantic and his wife turns him down. Yeah, well, you tried, Curly. Now, let's forget her and go duck hunting. Yeah, that's right. You fellas, we're supposed to go duck hunting tonight. When are you leaving? Right now. Come on, Curly. Wait a minute. I ain't going. Alice, I'm staying with you. Oh, but, Phil, you can go duck hunting. No, sir, I'm not going to do anything without you. I ain't... Hey, wait a minute. Hey, I got a wonderful idea. Alice, why don't you go duck hunting with me and Elliot? I wish I was dead. Phil, I don't know anything about duck hunting. I wouldn't enjoy it. Now, don't tell me what you'll enjoy. I'll say you'll love it. Won't she, Elliot? No. She will, too. Alice, it's a great sport. It's very exciting. Well, I suppose I could try it. Is it really a lot of fun? Oh, gobs and oodles. You're just love getting up at 3 o'clock in the morning. The cold, damp air is so invigorating. Then we get out to the marsh. We have to be quiet so you get on your stomach and crawl out to that nice, wet duck blind. Then you have to be perfectly still. You just lie there for about three hours. You can't move. Why not? You're frozen stiff. But then comes the exciting part. I blow the duck call. The ducks come flying over. Curly raises his gun and shoots them, and they fall. What do I do? You swim out, grab the ducks in your teeth, and swim back. And no nibbling on the way back. You please keep quiet, Elliot. Alice, you won't have to grab no ducks in your teeth. We'll tie a bag around your neck for Karen. You think I'm going swimming after ducks? You're crazy. Look, honey, we're only kidding. What are you talking about? Look, you're going to get a big thrill out of bagging your first duck. Will you believe me? Well, how do you go about it? What do you have to do? I mean, it's a cinch. The main thing is the way you approach the duck. Wait a minute. I'll show you what I mean. Elliot, you get out on your knees and pretend you're a duck. Why do I have to be the duck? You're the only one with webbed feet. Get down there. Now, look, Alice, you got in the other room, and when he starts quacking, you wiggle in on your stomach and see if you can sneak up without his hearing you. Go ahead. Oh, Phil, I don't want to wiggle in on my stomach. Don't argue. Now, if you're going to go duck hunting, you have to know how to do it. Now, go outside and wait for the duck call. Go ahead. All right, Elliot, let's hear your duck call. Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. Are you a duck or a Model T call? Look, give me something that sounds like a duck. Will you please? Hey, Alice, get ready to wiggle in now. Go ahead, Elliot, duck it. Quack, quack. That's better. Quack, quack, quack, quack. A little louder. Quack, quack, quack, quack. Anybody home? I brought it. Quack, quack, quack. What? Electric goose. He would have to drop in at a time like this. Look, Julius, I don't... Mr. Harris, I'm high-ing you looking. Wise guy, Julius. That's Mr. Lewis, and he ain't a goose. He's a duck. Not long. He went to Denmark and got a hold of a quack doctor. He just flew back today. Mr. Harris, I don't want you to think I'm nosy. What do you mean? Nothing unusual is happening. Nothing unusual? He's squatting out. What's the matter, kid? Look, there's a blonde water moccasin wriggling in there. A water moccasin. A salmon? Alice, you're not doing it right. Your movements are too jerky. You're supposed to slide smoothly. Why don't you butter our stomach? Will you please get out of here? We could use chicken fat to make her glide better. The ducks that smell are coming in to kill the whole thing. No, we better... Well, Phil, can I get up now? Honey, I want you to stay down there. You haven't shot a duck yet. Curly letter, get up. She don't want to go to the ducks. Be quiet, will you? You're still a duck. Now look, while Alice is lying there, Elliot, you fly over. I ain't gonna do it. I don't feel like flying today. I'll go ahead, Mr. Lewis. Just cycle the room once. This is silly and I ain't gonna do it. It ain't silly and you're gonna do it if you want to go hunting with us. I'm gonna show Alice how to shoot a duck. Now will you come on, Elliot? Start flying. Flap, flap, quack, quack. Flap, flap, quack, quack. Flap, flap, quack, quack. Flap, flap, quack, quack. Flap, flap, quack, quack. Flap, flap, quack, quack. Flap, flap, quack, quack. All right, Alice, get your gun ready. Flap, flap, quack, quack. Here he comes. Flap, flap, quack, quack. Fire! You got him, Alice, on your first shot. Flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop, flop. And splash. Nuts, he fell in the water. Now I'll have to row out and get him. I think I heard enough. I'll show you to the door, kid. Oh, don't get out of your swamp. I stopped being a duck. I'm starting to mold. I don't want to go duck hunting. Now don't argue. This is to make you happy and you're going whether you like it or not. Just trying to brief you so that you'll know what you're doing. Otherwise you can get in as much trouble hunting as the preacher. What preacher? One that went after the bear. I better do this with music. And he ran, and he ran for about a mile. And the preacher sat down and rested a while. Preacher got up, started again. Bear right after him with more thin. And he ran, and he ran till he spotted the tree. Said, up on the limb, it's the place for me. Bear reached up, made a grab for him. Preacher leaped and he made the limb. Pulled himself up and turned about. Cast his eyes and skies and he did shout, Oh, Lord, you delivered Daniel from the lion's den. All souls delivered Jonah from the belly of the whale and them. The brute children from the fiery furnace of the good book do declare, yes, Lord. If you can't help me for goodness' sake, don't help that bad. Just about then, that limb let go and the preacher come tumbling down. Reached in his pocket, pulled his razor out just before he hit the ground. He hit the ground with an awful bang. It was a terrible sight. That preacher and the bear with a razor in his hair just to cut and left and right. Well, they rolled around on the ground. The preacher was up and then he was down. The bear let out an awful moan and looked like the preacher was holding his own. If I get out of here alive with that good book, I will abide. I'll never sin on Sabbath day and Sunday come all pray and pray and to the heavens. He did glance at the Lord, just give me one more chance than his suspenders gave away and he knocked that bat ten feet away. The preacher got up, made a bound for the tree where he'd be safe and sound. Pulled himself up and turned about. Cast his eyes and skies and he did shout, Oh, Lord, you delivered Daniel from the lion's den. All souls delivered Jonah from the belly of the whale and them. The brood chillin' from the fire at the furnace. The good book do declare you as a lord. If you can't help me for good and sakes, don't help that bat. Gallus, about that duck hunting trip, I'll have to show you how to handle a gun because... Hey, wait a minute, that reminds me, I ain't got no gun for you. I got it. Hey, wait here. I'll go over to Mr. Scott's house and borrow one. But, Phil, I... I don't go away because I'll be right back. Ridiculous. Women shouldn't go on hunting trips with guys. Well, I don't want to go, but Phil won't take no for an answer. I'm frightened of guns. I don't know how to shoot. Hey, it gives me an idea. Maybe we could scare Curly out of taking you. What do you mean? Well, as soon as he comes back with the gun, you grab it and take a couple of pot shots at him. Try to miss him a little. Oh, Elliot. Elliot, that's too dangerous. You'll think I'm trying to kill him. Yeah, that's it. If we can make him think you're trying to do away with him, he won't take your hunting with him. Oh, I'm not shooting any guns at my husband. No, no, you don't have to. All you gotta do is make Curly think you're anxious to go hunting with him, and my insurance agent friend will take care of the rest. What's the insurance agent for? If Curly thought you were taking out a policy on his life just before you go hunting with him, he wouldn't want to take it. Elliot, do you think we ought to do it? This calls for drastic measures. I'll call my friend Nelson and get him over here. I'll tell him to lay it on good. Okay. Hey, honey, honey, I'm back, and here's the gun. Oh, goody. I can't wait to get started on this hunting trip. Wait a minute. I thought you didn't want to go. I changed my mind. I'm anxious to go. Give me that gun. I can't wait to get out there and point this gun at a duck like this. Hold on a minute. Don't point that thing at me. I ain't no duck. You gotta be careful with guns, honey. That's liable to be an accident. Oh, don't worry about that. I'm taking care of it. I figured one of us might get shot while hunting, so I'm taking out an insurance policy on your life. Makes you think I'm going to get shot. I'm going to be the... Oh, Alice, Alice, that must be my insurance agent friend. Oh, yes. Come in. Oh, hello. Are you Mr. Nelson? Yes. Well, I'm Mrs. Harris. How do you do? Which one of these guys are you shooting in the duck hunting accident? Well, this is my husband. Look, Mr.... No, you're a big one. But she can't miss you. What kind of an insurance salesman is this? What company are you with, bud? I'm with the national. If you go duck hunting with your wife, we'll give you eight to five. You don't come back alive insurance company. I don't need no insurance. You stay out of this. I'm here to see your wife. Now, Mrs. Harris, may I suggest our all-inclusive policy? What's that? Well, if you kill your husband while you're out duck hunting, you get $100,000, and all the ducks he got before you got him. Isn't that a wonderful policy? Eww, that's peachy. I knew you would like it. I think I heard enough. Beat it, Mr. Look, we don't need you around here because I ain't going duck hunting. Oh, you're just an old yellow belly. I said beat it. Maybe you'd better go, Mr. Nelson. You very well, I'll go. But don't worry, Blondie. We'll get him yet. I'll mail you a brochure on our slow poison policy. Slow poison policy. Alice, are you trying to doom me in? Oh, don't be silly. Look, Phillip, if you want me to go duck hunting with you, I'll go. Or don't you trust me? Well, of course I do, but I ain't taking you hunting. We'll go someplace else instead. Where? To your knitting class. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have something to do. Where are you going? Upstairs to file a point so for your knitting needles. I ain't taking no chance. Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. Your radio can give you long and faithful service if it's given regular and proper care. So if you notice your radio isn't up to par, if, for example, the volume rises and falls unexpectedly, or the sound is tinny, or if there's an annoying hum in the background, see your local radio service man. He has the proper testing equipment to find the source of radio troubles. And he's a radio expert trained to adjust and repair your radio to restore it to its original performance. If worn out receiving tubes are the cause of your radio's poor performance, your neighborhood radio man will be glad to install top quality RCA tubes. He knows from experience that RCA radio tubes last longer and give the best service. Always insist on RCA tubes. They're the industry's finest, yet they cost no more. Hey, this is Phil. I got a big thrill, ladies and gentlemen, and all you wonderful listeners out there tonight. I have all the boys from the wonderful Wisconsin football team that were nice enough to come down to say hello to Alison and me. I know that you mothers and fathers and you brothers and sisters back there are wondering how they're doing. I just want to tell you that they look wonderful, they look in great shape, and I want them all to stand up and give you a little greeting. Now, mothers, get up close to the radios because, actually, these are all your sons. Are you ready, fellas? Good night, everybody, and thanks for listening. Good night, everybody. Truded in this program transcribed was Frank Nelson. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. You'll hear music that's excitingly different. Music that starts a new trend in the popular field when you get RCA Victor's latest album, New Directions in Music. In this new album, Eddie Sotter and Bill Finnegan, the talented arrangers turned band leaders, turned loose their unlimited musical imagination. And the entire album of eight colorful selections costs only $2.80 on 45 extended play records, or $3 on long play records. Ask for RCA Victor's new Sotter Finnegan album, New Directions in Music at your dealers tomorrow. Next here, Theatre Guild on the Air over NBC.