 Item No. SCP-5980 Object Class Euclid Special Containment Procedures SCP-5980 is to be contained within a standard humanoid containment cell at Site-83. SCP-5980 does not require sustenance. SCP-5980 is allowed outside of its containment cell once per day for two hours for recreational activities, but is strictly prohibited from entering the cafeteria. Food offered by SCP-5980 should be declined by personnel in order to maintain their mental health. Description SCP-5980 is the designation given to Ethan Chen, age 33. SCP-5980 is capable of perfect cellular regeneration and is, by definition, biologically immortal. Given the regenerative properties of SCP-5980 cells, research into utilizing SCP-5980 from medicinal treatment is currently underway. Extensive testing of samples taken from SCP-5980's body has revealed that its skin, as well as its organs, nerves, and fingernails possess a flavor that is universally enjoyed by those that consume it. The flavor of SCP-5980 will vary depending on the consumer. SCP-5980 exhibits a pleasant aroma regardless of the seasoning it's cooked with. SCP-5980 is amicable and will often encourage Foundation personnel to, quote, have a bite, unquote, of it when they pass by. It is important to note that SCP-5980 does not exhibit any cognitive properties. Consumption of SCP-5980, while safe, is often detrimental to the subject's mental health. Discovery SCP-5980 was discovered after several complaints were made in an establishment called Cannibal Chins in Northern New Jersey. A food critic claimed to have witnessed SCP-5980 remove its fingers with a kitchen knife before deep frying them. These were later served as French fries. Several other civilians claimed to have caught glimpses of SCP-5980 self-mutilating in the kitchen, moments before serving them food, and a Foundation investigation was instigated. When questioned, SCP-5980 claimed to have no idea of what it was doing wrong, and insisted that Foundation operatives have a complementary order off of the menu. Its requests were denied by all attending agents except for Agent ████████████████, Agent ████████████, who was unaware of SCP-5980's anomalous properties, consumed the entirety of an order of fries, size large, dipping each fry in a dark green milkshake. Agent ████████ was psychologically evaluated, and later requested an amnestic, and for his name to be expunged from the official record. SCP-5980 will only came into Foundation custody once apprehended. Cannibal Chins was shut down using Cover Story 14, Health and Safety Violation, after four years of continuous operation. Interview 5980.4 Interviewer Dr. Owen Andrews Interview E, SCP-5980 Tell me again what you were doing at the restaurant. Growing food gets expensive, like, the cost was way too steep, man. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but when life gives you lemons. Right, of course. Did you try the finger fries? I'm afraid not. SCP-5980 holds out a finger. Tastes just like chicken, I swear. Have a bite, doesn't hurt. Um, no, thanks, I've had something to eat already. Suit yourself, man, you're missing out. How exactly did you make the items on the menu? Oh, that's easy. I crank up the heat real high as the water's running low, and I keep all my spare meat and shit in the cooler. God, I think I'd die if I made every order at once. And what did people say to you when they found out that you were the source of their meals? Meh, forget about it. I didn't do nothing wrong. They're just a bunch of unappreciated bastards as all. That'll be all for now. Addendum 5980.3 The following are the list of items found on the menu of cannibal chins. Meat burger, small, or 65. Medium, 596. Large, 782. Finger fries, small, 199. Medium, 299. Large, 399. Lemonade, 399. Chin special chocolate, $5. Water, free. Inside out milkshake, small, 399. Medium, 499. Large, 599. Available in chocolate, mint, vanilla, and strawberry. Item number 4252. Level 2 restricted. Containment class keeter. Disruption class blam. Risk class notice. Special containment procedures. SCP-4252-A is held in an airtight, windowless room, structurally disconnected from Site-96. The room filters into a 200,000 liter drum buried below the site. On the 1st of every month, SCP-4252's activation phrase, as found on SCP-4252-B, should be vocalized. Upon the manifestation of SCP-4252, all personnel present must bow, referred to as Lord Jettisoned, and each recite one of the complementary phrases provided below. You are so wise, Lord Jettisoned. You are so brave, Lord Jettisoned. You are so kind, Lord Jettisoned. You are so small, Lord Jettisoned. You are so pure, Lord Jettisoned. Lord Jettisoned, you spoil us with your grace. Your smallness is immensely large, O Jettisoned, the mighty King. I am lucky to be in your presence, Lord Jettisoned. Long live, Lord Jettisoned. Once SCP-4252 gives a command, all personnel are to avert their eyes, and all cameras are to be temporarily disabled for the duration of 30 seconds. At which point cameras are to be re-enabled, and all activities are to resume as usual. Description SCP-4252-A refers to a collection of four objects, hereby referred to as SCP-4252-A1, SCP-4252-A2, SCP-4252-A3, and SCP-4252-A4, all of which are filled with baked beans. SCP-4252-A1 is a clock, identical to a Bernard Products brand quartz wall clock. SCP-4252-A2 is a brown leather briefcase of unknown make. SCP-4252-A3 is a cardboard copy cup, sported in a Starbucks Coffee Company logo. SCP-4252-A4 is a 2015 Toyota Highlander. Prior to Incident-01, all four objects had the same anomalous properties, but following the event, SCP-4252-A1 has been neutralized. SCP-4252-A2, SCP-4252-A3, and SCP-4252-A4 infinitely produced baked beans via unknown methods. Probing the interiors has found no evidence of any physical passage through which the baked beans enter, indicating that they manifest directly within the objects. There is no known way to stop the beans from being produced. Without the use of SCP-4252, the beans would breach containment in less than three months. SCP-4252-A1 is a humanoid entity no more than half a meter tall. It wears a long silk robe covered in jewels, and a crown made of bronze with a single ruby ovoid in the center. SCP-4252 is able to manifest and de-manifest. However, prior to Incident-01, it was only ever observed to appear when a specific phrase found on SCP-4252-B was spoken. SCP-4252-B is a fabric ribbon of unknown origin. Written across the face in gold sequins is the following phrase. Jethus and the Mighty King, please bless our presence with your own. Consume our bubbling Venus bile from up atop your sparkling throne. Once every month, when the phrase is spoken out loud, SCP-4252 will manifest nearby and request all those around it to bow and shower it with compliments. It will become increasingly agitated if these needs are not met swiftly, and has threatened to de-manifest following further non-compliance. Once SCP-4252 is satisfied, it will locate SCP-4252-A and proceed to consume all of the baked beans that have been produced. However, personnel attempting to monitor this either through direct observation or via camera recording are met with a request by SCP-4252 to stop watching it, as it, quote, can't do it when people are looking, unquote. Because of this, no visual evidence exists of SCP-4252's removal of the baked beans, but audio recordings indicate the sounds of a viscous substance being violently disturbed. When all the beans are removed, SCP-4252 will de-manifest, leaving with a forceful belch, the loudest of which has measured at well over 120 decibels. Attempting to summon SCP-4252 again by means of its activation phrase are met with a dial tone, and a voice recording of SCP-4252 indicating that it is, quote, not ready yet, give me a month and I'll get back to you, unquote. Further attempts result in a dial tone. Incident 01 2202-1904, April 6, 2019 A humanoid figure, similar in size to SCP-4252, but with a tall pointed hat and a blue robe, manifest in SCP-4252-A's containment room. It looks frantically around before removing a long red wand from the pocket in its robe. It points the object at SCP-4252-A1, and a bolt of green light shoots out of it, hitting SCP-4252-A1. 2202-3827, April 6, 2019 SCP-4252 manifests and tackles the figure. They wrestle for 30 seconds, at which point the intruder grabs SCP-4252's arm and breaks it. SCP-4252 screams, kicks the figure's head, and continues to do so until it stops moving. SCP-4252 steps away to breathe, then collapses on the ground in front of the figure's body, and begins to sob heavily. 2204-1310, April 6, 2019 SCP-4252 collects itself and leans over the body of the figure. It gingerly closes the body's eyes, whispers something inaudible, grabs the corpse, and de-manifests. Note, following this incident, SCP-4252-A1 remains in a neutralized state. SCP-4252 continues to manifest as usual, but where its right arm was previously, there is now a mechanical replacement limb. Due to the self-manifestation of SCP-4252, it has been reclassified as Keeter. Item number SCP-5073 Object Class Euclid Special Containment Procedures Foundation analytic assets are to monitor for reports of individuals deceased as a result of internal or spontaneous explosions. These are to be investigated for potential association with SCP-5073, and given appropriate cover stories if confirmed as anomalous. Foundation assets embedded within the distribution chain for powdered hot chocolate mixes are to monitor shipments for instances of SCP-5073. Instances of SCP-5073 discovered are to be either incinerated or sent to Site-66 for analysis at the discretion of Researcher Tarrant. Description SCP-5073 is a series of anomalous packets of powdered hot chocolate mix. Instances of SCP-5073 outwardly resemble packets sold under legitimate brands, with no discernible differences save for tactile sensations of slight stickiness and mild warmth. SCP-5073 instances are found packaged alongside conventional packets of hot chocolate mix, with no more than one instance per box or package. SCP-5073 instances have only been found in the western hemisphere during winter. With a distribution pattern of one per one million units of hot chocolate mix. SCP-5073 instances contain cocoa powder visually identical to that of the brand's SCP-5073 instances resemble, though the individual granules of the powder have been registered as both unusually durable and slightly warm. Marshmallows and other such toppings are never found in SCP-5073 instances, even when advertised. This can be used to identify SCP-5073 instances imitating particular brands. When mixed into milk, the powder does not actually dissolve but remains suspended below the surface and not readily visible. SCP-5073 powder remains inert if not ingested, ingested as is, or when mixed in the liquid besides milk. The powder granules proceed to exude liquid with compositional similarities to chocolate, which colors and flavors the milk and leaves it visually identical to typical hot chocolate. This resulting composition is regarded by individuals that they typically appealing when imbibed, often described in terms of an explosive burst of sweetness, that regardless never discomforts or overwhelms. Though it does not possess addictive properties, individuals tend to be driven to drink a sufficient amount to use up the entire SCP-5073 packet. Within two to three hours of consumption of SCP-5073, the intact granules suspend themselves at concentration above the LEL, lower explosive limit, for cocoa dust, and rub up against each other with sufficient intensity to produce friction-based ignition. The dust explosion that ensues invariably possesses sufficient force to blow a human apart, and do considerable damage to their surroundings. Though the liquid produced by SCP-5073 remains, shortly after an individual has expired due to consumption of SCP-5073, the SCP-5073 packet and any powder left within it disappears, and there is typically more than an individual's mass missing that can be accounted for by the dust explosion. History Foundation assets embedded in police and emergency services took notice reports of individuals exploding beginning in December 2000 and ████ and conducted an immediate investigation, isolating the cause to anomalous hot chocolate shortly thereafter. Deaths associated with SCP-5073 ceased one week later. No intact instances of SCP-5073 were recovered, and after six months without further incident, SCP-5073 was declared neutralized. Excerpt from Research Log 5073-1 Researcher Tarrant here, being informal because this is going to be short. After all, we don't have any physical evidence of this anomaly at all whatsoever, besides trace amounts of ridiculously sweet liquid and the corpses that lead behind. Pieces of corpses, rather, and yet everyone's convinced we've figured it out. Forensics was able to piece together it was a dust explosion, yes. Eyewitness accounts have indicated the cocoa dust was in packets identical to brand-name ones, yes. Thus the idea goes that some murderous anomalous prankster slips self-igniting cocoa powder in with the regular stuff, making it sweet enough that the hapless victim would definitely drink enough of it to explode. And now people have stopped exploding, probably because the prankster got tired of it, so it's all well and good. I don't think that's it. It's way too elaborate a method of just to get someone to explode. And yes, anomalies aren't supposed to make sense, but if we go with the idea this was engineered by someone, then yes, there has to be a certain degree of sense. And there is no sense in this method being used just to make people explode. More than that, there are discrepancies. Would a prankster really get bored just like that and stop so abruptly? They wouldn't be exploding people to begin with if they were worried about the foundation starting its investigation. There has to be some external factor. It was stupid warm that January, thanks climate change. Maybe that's why. Less people drinking hot cocoa, less to meat, some kind of quota? People think the package going missing was the prankster slipping in to cover the tracks, but if they can do something like that, they wouldn't use such a roundabout method to begin with. And finally, what's left of the corpses? How exploded they are covers it up well, but I've examined the bits where there's more meat and bone missing than there should be. People think I'm seeing things, but I'm sure of it. There are tiny bite marks. SCP-5073 incidents began again one year after its initial classification, continuing on through February. Instances have been recovered intact and sent the researcher Tarrant at Site-66 for analysis. Additionally, there has been a surge of social media posts concerning sightings of tiny brown spiders in areas where SCP-5073 incidents have occurred. Item number SCP-1622 Object Class Euclid Special Containment Procedures At time of writing, 7kg of SCP-1622 is at Site-███ in a cold storage chamber where superficially resembles a sunlit wooden pantry. SCP-1622 is to be alone on its shelf. Other shelves in the same chamber are to carry variant amounts of Pule, Gold Stilton, and Cachio Cavallo Podolico cheeses. On no account are the other cheeses to be removed from SCP-1622's chamber. Transportation to and from testing is to be carried out solely by D-Class personnel on a gilded platter of pure silver with a dish cover of same. Testing itself is to take place in the specified chamber furnished to resemble any restaurant with three Michelin stars. All Balanoptra musculos migration routes are to be monitored for unusual activity. Any persons attempting to harvest milk from a Balanoptra musculos are to be interrogated as to their purpose in a Ministry Class B amnestics. Description SCP-1622 is a semi-hard cheese made from the milk of the Balanoptra musculos, commonly known as the Blue Whale, in its white with a smooth, slightly grainy texture. Taste testing with D-Class has determined that it is universally palatable, complimenting and enhancing dishes of all major flavor profiles. All subjects tested have described SCP-1622's flavor as delicious, perfect, etc., but have been unable to precisely define the exact taste. Test reveals no anomalies in the chemical makeup of SCP-1622, and it is currently believed that the process of making it is the source of its effects. Despite ████ gears and containment, SCP-1622 is not rotted. SCP-1622's anomalous effects, aside from the taste itself, center around its storage, preparation and consumption, and will not manifest when the total cost of preparing a meal containing or consisting of SCP-1622 is greater than $97,250. This includes the average cost of ingredients, all furnishings in the environment in which it is served, the utensils used in preparation and consumption, and the average restaurant price of the dish that it has been used in. It is unknown how SCP-1622 determines the average restaurant price of dishes, but it has so far been consistent with Foundation estimates. A hypothesis that SCP-1622 absorbs this information from the environment in a manner similar to SCP-759 is currently under investigation. Subjects consuming SCP-1622 in this fashion demonstrate no unusual behaviors, aside from a marked dislike of other cheeses. This is believed to be due to the superior flavor of SCP-1622, and is not considered anomalous. SCP-1622's anomalous effects manifest when prepared for a cost lower to $97,250. Upon initial consumption of SCP-1622, subjects will react as though they have been slapped firmly on the cheek with an open palm. Despite this, most subjects will continue to eat. After the initial slap, subjects will show significantly lower intellect, decrease self-consciousness, impairment of linguistic skills, and an inability to understand social norms. The strength of this effect is inversely proportional to the total cost of preparation. The quantity consumed following initial slap does not cause the effect to increase of strength. Addendum 1622-1 Recovery Log On ████████, several reports of extremely odd behavior among residents of several towns in the northeastern United States came to the attention of the Foundation through a standard data sweep. Questioning revealed that all affected civilians had eaten at several restaurants in the area, searches of the area yielded stories of SCP-1622 at all restaurants mentioned, as well as three that had not been. The current cost limit of SCP-1622's effects was extrapolated from the purchased records of all civilians that had consumed SCP-1622, as well as the total cost of the restaurant's furnishings. The owners of the restaurants reported that they had received SCP-1622 as part of an experimental survey from ████ Foods Incorporated. Foods have no knowledge of any survey. Class-A amnestics were distributed, and a cover story disseminated involving mercury poisoning. Experiment Log All tests mentioned below take place in the testing chamber furnished according to the containment procedures, unless otherwise noted. The total cost of furnishings equals $56,280. Subject D-1622-1 Test Procedure SCP-1622 baked into a fruit tart. Notable ingredients include premium Yovari melon and edible gold leaf. Served with gold-plated silver utensils on antique China. Total cost $98,623.85 Results Subject remarked that the tart was, quote, the most delicious thing I've ever tasted, unquote. When asked to describe the exact flavor of SCP-1622, subject was unable to elaborate further than, delicious, expressed a desire for more, and refused other cheeses when offered. No other effects. Note, the results of this test will be used as a control, as we slowly lower the cost of the dish. Researcher Ryan Subject D-1622-1 Test Procedure Same recipe used in previous tests. Served with stainless steel utensils on generic ceramic plate. Total cost $95,175.95 Results Subject winced upon initial consumption. When questioned, mentioned a brief sensation of being lightly slapped in the cheek. When asked to describe the hand, subject said that the hand was thin, wearing a glove or soft material. Remarked that the tart was, just as tasty as the other time. Subject then attempted to leave his chair and exit the room, stating that the air in the chamber was stuffy and expressed surprise when guard stations at the entrance restrained him. IQ test administered prior to test showed an average score of 125. Test following consumption showed an average score of 111. Subject D-1622-22 Test Procedure A single slice of SCP-1622 is used in the cheeseburger. Meat and bun were both supermarket brand. Served on a generic ceramic plate. Total cost $56,296.99 Results Upon initial consumption, subjects had jerked to one side with enough force to topple chair. Subject continued eating cheeseburger off of the floor. Subject then removed his shirt and began to lick the plate that the burger had been served on. Had to be forcibly restrained and removed from the testing chamber. Subsequent IQ test showed a drop of 54 points, and during interview, subject experienced extreme difficulty using words that were not nouns or verbs. Superfluous logs redacted Subject D-1622-47 Test Procedure Subject allowed to remove chunk of SCP-1622 from cold storage with bare hands and consume it in the corridor. Total cost $95, including lighting and tiles in the corridor. Results Upon consumption, subject lifted off his feet by an unseen force and landed on his back, confirmed deceased. Cause of death determined to be an extreme blunt force trauma to the face. Physiological changes noted in subject, including a much more prominent brow, bending of the spine, and increased muscle mass in the arms and chest. Item Number SCP-2915 Object Class Euclid Special Containment Procedures SCP-2915 is owned and operated by Foundation agents, as a typical Wendy's franchise, under supervision of MTF-SI-25, trapped in the drive-through. Personnel are to maintain all professional standards set forth by the Wendy's Corporation. Night shift guards are to be equipped with gas masks and broad-spectrum UV lights. The freezer is to remain padlocked. Employees are encouraged to ignore all sounds emanating from within. Description SCP-2915 is a Wendy's franchise restaurant located in ████, Ohio. The establishment possesses two primary anomalous properties. One, the menu at the time of containment did not align with normal Wendy's products, appropriate health standards, or typical terrestrial biochemistry. All salvageable food steps were removed from the premises or controlled laboratory study. Two, the freezer does not possess a floor. The depth of the resulting shaft is unknown. Proving missions have proven inconclusive. Six winch systems are attached to the ceiling of the freezer, each consisting of a chain and large meat hook. These winches are controlled by a series of valves located at the door. One chain remains lowered into the shaft. Attempts to reach the bottom of the freezer's shaft have been unsuccessful. The longest surviving probe broadcast for over four months before communication was lost. Adjusting the height of chains has not been attempted beyond establishing the use of the valves. Yellow gas of currently indeterminate chemical makeup will leak from the freezer during nighttime hours, generally between 0200 and 0445. This gas is heavier than air, mildly toxic. Long-term exposure will result in damage to the lungs and kidneys, and will dissipate under concentrated ultraviolet radiation. Sounds might occasionally be heard emanating from within the freezer, and may include banging within the shaft, the rattling of chains, the scraping of metal on the inside of the door, and distant echoes of I've Got You Under My Skin by Frank Sinatra. Item number SCP-294 Object Class Euclid Special Containment Procedures There are no standard special containment procedures on file for item SCP-294. However, only personnel with security clearance level 2 or higher are allowed to interact with see Document SCP-294-A. SCP-294 is currently being stored in the second floor personnel break room, and is monitored by two guards with security clearance level 3 at all times. Description Item SCP-294 appears to be a standard coffee vending machine, the only noticeable difference being an entry touchpad with buttons corresponding to an English Korty keyboard. Upon depositing 50¢ U.S. currency into the coin slot, the user is prompted to enter the name of any liquid using the touchpad. Upon doing so, a standard 12-ounce paper-drinking cup is placed, and the liquid indicated it's poured. 97 initial test runs were performed, including requests for water, coffee, beer, and soda. Non-consumable liquids such as sulfuric acid, wiper fluid, and motor oil, as well as substances that do not usually exist in liquid state, such as nitrogen, iron, and glass, and each one return to success. Test runs with solid materials such as diamond have failed, however, as it appears that SCP-294 can only deliver substances that can exist in liquid state. It is of note that after approximately 50 uses, the machine would not respond to further requests. After a period of approximately 90 minutes, the machine seemed to have restocked itself. It is also interesting to note that many caustic liquids that would have eaten through a normal paper cup seem to have no effect on the cup's dispense by the machine. Testing is ongoing. As suggested, SCP-294 would move to the second floor personnel break room as a money-saving venture. Following Incident 294-01, guards were stationed at the item, and a security clearance became necessary to interact with it. Document SCP-294-A Regarding Incident 294-01 On August 21st, 2005, Agent Joseph ████ attempted to use Item SCP-294 to obtain coffee during his allotted break time at 9.30 a.m. After request of Agent ████ to see what it would do on ████, requested a cup of Joe from the Item. Moments after confirming the selection, Agent Joseph ████ began to sweat profusely and complained of dizziness before collapsing. After moving the unconscious Agent to the infirmary, the medical team recovered the contents of the cup dispensed by Item SCP-294, a combination of blood, tissue, and other bodily fluids. Testing revealed the DNA sequence of the biological matter dispensed by SCP-294, matched out of Agent ████. Agent ████ made a complete recovery after four weeks of rest and intravenous hydration. X-rays and CAT scans showed no further signs of injury, and was released. Both ages were reprimanded. Additional security measures for SCP-294 have been recommended. Addendum SCP-294-F After reviewing documentation on SCP-294 ████ suggested testing SCP-294's ability to retrieve specific liquids from a distance. Addendum SCP-294-H With the overseeing of O5 ████, a cup of SCP-075 secretion was used as input. The product was proven to be the requested liquid, and the cup was able to successfully contain the material. However, the report for incident 075-07 was acknowledged two hours after the test. See Addendum SCP-075-M A containment procedure breach had occurred exactly the same time this test was taking place, waking SCP-075 to its active stage. It was able to secrete an amount of basic solution equal to the capacity of a coffee cup before emergency containment procedure was applied and it was rendered passive. The liquid was not found in the post-incident investigation. Addendum SCP-294-I Researcher punched in requests for a cup of gold. The machine dispensed a cup of molten gold. Researcher requested similar pressure materials with the same result. Addendum SCP-294-J Researcher punched in, from a safe range, requests for a cup of anti-water. The machine hummed briefly, then displayed out of range on entry pad. It is theorized that SCP-294 is a limited range of collection and cannot reach in the alternate universes or dimensions. Addendum SCP-294-K Researcher punched in requests for diamond. SCP-294 briefly hummed, then displayed out of range on entry pad. SCP-294 gives this result for all solid substances. As diamond is a solid crystalline form of carbon, it appears the machine will not dispense liquid carbon, as this does not result in a diamond. When cup of carbon was subsequently punched in, the machine dispensed a cup of liquid carbon. SCP-294 was immune to the damaging effects of the dispensed liquid. Addendum SCP-294-M Testing for range of SCP-294's capacity for retrieval has been initiated. A unique compound has been formulated, composed of undisclosed ratios of brand bleach, brand cola, met-Rx powder, and garam masala. The fluid was created and placed in a sealed container 25 meters away from SCP-294. When requested, the fluid was dispensed, an equal amount of the mixture was no longer present in its original container. Addendum SCP-294-0-01 Researcher under observation of level 4 personnel keyed in a request of the best drink I've ever had. SCP-294 dispensed a fluid similar in appearance to cola. The researcher identified it as a mixed drink he recalls having at a bar during his bachelor party, and was convinced it was the best drink. Did not know what ingredients were in the drink besides rum and cola. Further tests are scheduled to ascertain how SCP-294 gathered information. Addendum SCP-294-0-01A Under the same conditions, Agent ██████ the best drink I've ever had. SCP-294 delivered a dark fluid, topped with white foam, which would later identify the Vienna Lager. The cup was printed with a color picture of five men and two women drinking beer on the beach. Was one of them. In his briefing, Agent ██████ confirmed that his favorite drink ever was a Vienna Lager he consumes at the beach with his friends. It has now been confirmed that SCP-294 has the ability to directly gather information for someone's mind in order to comply with the given conditions. Addendum SCP-294-0-01 Subject keyed the perfect drink. The machine dispensed a cup containing an odorless lavender liquid. After drinking the liquid, subject appeared to go into shock. Subject later committed suicide, leaving a note which read, quote, I'm sorry, but at this point everything's just one big letdown, unquote. Requesting such a drink again is highly discouraged. None of the components of the drink have yet been identified. Addendum SCP-294-0-01 Subject keyed in, quote, something Cassie will like, unquote. The device was heard to hum for about three seconds before dispensing an empty cup. Printed on the side of the cup was an image of a traditional soda fountain glass, filled with something brown and topped with whipped cream. Upon introduction to SCP-085, it was identified by her as a chocolate banana milkshake and judged delicious. Addendum SCP-294-W Researcher keyed in, request for, quote, a cup of music, unquote. SCP-294 produced a clear sparkling fluid that tasted vaguely alcoholic. Following ingestion, subject reported feeling and not hearing a continuous rhythm and demonstrated the ability to move and even dance with a certain fluidity that he had not previously shown. Testing on other abstract concepts is continuing. Addendum SCP-294-AB During a mass security breach, Agent ████ requested, quote, a cup of pertinent medical knowledge, unquote, while taking shelter inside a second floor break room. Of the four agents in the room, Agent ████ was the only one who was not injured. SCP-294 poured a cup of clear green liquid. Following the ingestion of this substance, Agent ████ began mending the other agent's wounds in a manner consistent with Foundation medical training. Agent ████ no longer has the medical training that the liquid provided and other attempts to recreate the effect it failed. The agent has speculated that this event was an emergency measure taken by the object to ensure self-preservation. Addendum SCP-294-AC Dr. ████ requested, quote, my life story, unquote, from SCP-294. SCP-294 made humming noises and shook violently for approximately three minutes before providing a highly viscous, opaque black liquid. Upon consumption, Dr. ████ reported that he remembered everything that ever happened to him. Following his test, Dr. ████ entered his office and returned 48 hours later with a 538-page autobiography. Addendum SCP-294-AD Researcher produced requests consisting solely of the phrase, quote, surprise me, unquote. The vice produced an opaque cup containing normal water, later determined to have been heated to approximately 200 degrees Celsius. Upon receiving vibration from transport, the contents of the cup turned into steam, violently spraying boiling water in a two-meter radius. Addendum SCP-294-AF Researcher produced requests for, quote, blood of Christ, unquote. SCP-294 vibrated and produced a message hick-assed in him colleague Sanguidus Mayi, then produced a paper-drinking cup containing approximately 0.12 liters of red grape wine. Addendum SCP-294-AG Researcher produced requests for, cup of Smolodon blood, cup of passenger pigeon blood, and cup of Thomas Jefferson's blood, and received three out-of-range errors. Addendum SCP-294-AH A D-class personnel IQ of 99 and low-curiosity scores was given written instructions about what to request. The D-class personnel produced a request for blood of Kenneth Lupus and received a cup of liquid subsequently identified as wolf blood. The D-class personnel next produced a request for saliva equisperus cabalus, and received a cup of liquid subsequently identified as horse saliva. The D-class personnel next produced a request for urine of Bascalarcosidarius. and received a cup of liquid subsequently identified as koala urine. The D-class personnel next produced a request for cerebral spinal fluid of Fobrovis Patersoni, and received a cup of liquid currently undergoing analysis. It is to be noted that Fobrovis Patersoni went extinct during the late Miocene Epic, approximately 8 million years ago. Addendum SCP-294-AH Dr. King produced requests for a cup of room-temperature superconductor, and received a cup of apple juice with seeds floating in it. Addendum SCP-294-AJ Dr. Menchew produced requests for cup of D-151839's leukemia, and received a cup of blood. The fluid was microscopically examined, and found to contain leukemic blast cells, which were a genetic match to D-151839. A second request for cup of D-151839's leukemia resulted in an out-of-range error. D-151839 was subsequently found to be free of leukemia. However, within 15 days, the leukemia had recurred. Other SCP-294 experiments are currently awaiting approval. Item number SCP-190-DE Object Class Euclid Secure Containment Procedures Direct Containment of SCP-190-DE1 and DASH2 is currently considered too costly and counterproductive. They are allowed to continue their business under condition that they inform the Foundation staff at all times where and when they will appear next. They are also required to keep the special characteristics of SCP-190-DE3 and the nature and origin of their non-terrestrial natural resources secret. SCP-190-DE3 is to be equipped with a GPS tracker, and all quality and health inspections are to be carried out by Foundation-certified personnel. SCP-190-DE is to be monitored at all times by Foundation personnel, but not to be informed of this fact. If one or both entities actively attempt to avoid being monitored by the Foundation, the mid-guard protocol is to be enacted. Description SCP-190-DE are two entities with a humanoid appearance. SCP-190-DE-1 has the appearance of a 40-year-old, 196cm tall muscular man with long blonde hair and a full beard. SCP-190-DE2 has the appearance of a 40-year-old woman with a size of 179cm. SCP-190-DE2 is bald, but conceals it with a brown wig. Both claim to be the Nordic gods Thor and Sif, but this has not yet been conclusively proven or refuted. SCP-190-DE1 and Dash-2 operate a small mobile kebab joint herein after referred to as SCP-190-DE3 with the name the Turkish Wahala that offers dishes and drinks corresponding to such an establishment. SCP-190-DE1 always works as the front of the counter, serving and talking to customers, while SCP-190-DE2 takes care of meal preparation. Although SCP-190-DE3 looks like a normal snack cart painted in white, it has several special features. Instead of a vehicle, SCP-190-DE is towed by two domestic goats, Capra Agagris Hurkist, which can reach speeds of up to 70km per hour. DNA tests show that they are completely normal goats. These extraordinary abilities are readily accepted and ignored by bystanders, presumably due to an antimemetic effect. Furthermore, SCP-190-DE3 has larger internal dimensions than what should logically be possible with its external dimensions. Thus, it has a usable area of approximately 70m2, which is occupied by kebab grills, ovens, refrigerators, and other objects necessary for a kebab joint. However, some of them are arranged in such a way that this spatial discrepancy cannot be determined by outside glances. SCP-190-DE3 is also capable of spontaneously disappearing with a flash of light and reappearing at another location. The time between disappearance and reappearance does not follow any laws that are apparent to the Foundation. SCP-190-DE1 explained in its context that they were still visiting other worlds in between. SCP-190-DE1's and SCP-190-DE2's DNA is human, but both show a much higher body performance and vitality, but only a normal human intellect. It was observed how SCP-190-DE1 and Dash 2 work consistently for a whole week without signs of fatigue. Tests on their resistance to various influences have not yet been carried out, but both entities are immune to narcotics in all doses and weak poisons use so far. SCP-190-DE1 has asked to refrain from such tests in the future. Otherwise, things will become, quote, really uncomfortable, unquote. Due to their physical strength and resilience, the Foundation expects high losses in its attempted containment and is refrain from doing so for the time being due to its peaceableness, willingness to cooperate, and desire to remain undiscovered. SCP-190-DE1 has so far traveled around Northern and Central Europe to sell its food. Both entities speak the languages of all countries they visit fluently, and apparently know the local laws for the commercial distribution of food, the keeping of goats and behavior in local traffic. It has not yet been observed that any of the entities deliberately broke any of these laws. Although SCP-190-DE sells ordinary foods and beverages, it also offers dishes with a range of ingredients whose biological source cannot be found on Earth. Before the Foundation contained them, they praised it as, quote, the best of all nine realms, unquote. Discovery SCP-190-DE was discovered when Foundation Webcrawler flagged the finding in the database of the Baden-Wuttenberg Ministry for Royal Areas and Consumer Protection, which stated that the meat used by SCP-190-DE could not be clearly attributed to an animal. Also, SCP-190-DE3's actually impossible dimensions were mentioned. Foundation agents were sent to investigate the case. Interview with SCP-190-DE1 Note, this is the first interview with SCP-190-DE1. Agent Wilder stepped up to SCP-190-DE3 and started talking to SCP-190-DE1. Due to the late hour, no other customers were present. Begin log Hello. Nice weather we're having this evening. Oh, yeah, can't complain. What will it be? I'm not here because I'm hungry. During a food inspection, very strange meat and vegetables were found here. Can you tell me anything about it? Are you sure? We make every effort to prepare everything properly, and none of our customers have complained as of yet. I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. Can I have your name for the protocol? Yes, of course. I'm Thorsten. Thorsten Nordmann, with TH. Okay, tell me. Where do you get your meat from? Oh, here and there, where dealers just offer something at a good price? Also applies to the vegetables and other ingredients. But we also go hunting for some things ourselves. Of course, only where it is allowed. Are you allowed to hunt? Yes, of course. I got a special hunting license. Take a look. SCP-190-DE1 pulls out a wallet, apparently made of goat skin, and pulls out the set document to show it to Agent Wilder. Hmm. Everything seems to be fine with that. What kind of animals do you hunt? Oh, well, wild boars, deer, partridges, lendworms. Lendworms? Those don't exist here, you moron. You're not helping, Sif. Wait a minute. Sif, you call yourself Thorsten. Let me guess. The names of your goat have something to do with teeth grinding, right? SCP-190-DE1 looks embarrassed. Well… Mr. Nordman, I have been working at his meal you for some time, and I have to say you are a lousy liar. Who are you really? Well, uh, to be frank, you know, I, uh… Just tell him you're the god of thunder, jeez. Sif, who would buy that? I would. Wait, what? Well, my employer deals with people like you. I actually came because of the meat and the big car inside. But are you really Thor? Oh, what the heck? Yes, I am Thor, god of thunder, strength, healing, and oak trees. Hmm. How does a god of thunder get to operate a kebab joint? Everyone needs money to live. Gods are no exception, and nowadays, nobody really pays any tribute to us as guardians. You know, with all those Christians. Why a fast food joint, and why Turkish food? Well, I tried to weather service first, but I didn't get through the trial period. Then I wanted to become a grocer together with Sif. I wanted to sell organic food exclusively. That's why our shop was called Eco-Thor. But, people preferred to go to the supermarket, and then I had to shut down. All I had left was my chariot. One day I went to buy kebab to eat something else, and there I had the flash of genius. A Greek colleague of mine had opened a gourmet restaurant in the Aegean Sea, so I thought I could do that too. Instead of becoming the god of thunder, I would become the god of kebab. I had my car pimped out by the dwarves, and since then, the car was broken. The money had been flowing again. Really? Just like that? Hey, sleep in a goat cart with your wife for five years with no roof over your head because your father kicked you out. Then you'll get really desperate. I had to put my last savings into this place. I see. This thing with your father. None of your damn business. All right. Why are you hiding from the public? At Storsten, Nordman, I mean. Do you know how embarrassing that would be if the veneer found out that the once mighty Thor has to operate a kebab joint to keep himself above water? Please. That's the last thing I want. I see. If you like, my organization can support you. For certain conditions, of course. What kind of conditions? Well, you'd have to take all non-terrestrial ingredients off the menu, or at least hide them somehow. Attach a tracking device to your car, and keep us informed of where you're going. In return, we'll cover such annoying stuff like health inspections and food inspections for you. Hmm, doesn't sound too bad. But I can't do without the ingredients. That's what makes the customers come in. If you wish, I could send you a few specialists to negotiate the exact conditions with you. I'm sure we can work something out. What's the deal? What if we refuse? I'm afraid we'll have to take you into custody. You are gods. You could do all sorts of damage. Listen, will you? I am the protector of Medgard, so I will protect this world and not destroy it, by my honor. As far as I'm concerned, lock me up. But if you as so much as touch Sif, I'm going to get really angry. At least listen to these people. We can still get out of the deal. Still! All right, honey. End log. Closing Addendum SCP-198-DE-1 and-2 agree with Foundation representatives not to advertise their ingredients in an obvious manner, but to continue to use them after thorough analysis, and agree to the terms set forth in the security measures. Foundation agents monitor the joint without SCP-198-DE's knowledge to intervene in the event of an information leak. Addendum 190-DE-1 Note, the following recording is a phone call received by SCP-198-DE-1 on September 5th, 2017. Due to the nature of the recording, it was not possible to record what was said by the other party. The telephone conversation was conducted in Ancient Nordic and translated for better understanding. It should be noted that words were used that do not exist in Ancient Norse. The meaning of these words were therefore inferred from the context. Begin log. SCP-198-DE-1's bonus ringing. It looks apparently annoyed at the displayed number before answering the call. That you have the guts to call me. Don't pretend as if I forgot that. Uh huh. No. Business is good. I'm not giving up on this now. It makes me look ridiculous, alright? Big words from someone who rides an eight-legged horse. Hey, I still make more money than you. Yeah, what do you expect? There are now millions of duplicates of drop near, so the price is going down. That's your problem. Then put the dogs on a diet. Like there's going to be so much food on your table. Stop drinking meat and eat something decent. Speaking of which, was the tree doctor there? Ah. Just a regular mushroom infection, I say. But no. The deer sir must have missed it at Magical. Can you fix that? Oh. I'm still not going there? No. Oh, Father, I don't care who slays the snake. I was supposed to die, remember? Then ask for Indra in India. He'll be more than willing to do that. This guy is trained for all that kind of stuff, and he even has a club to do it. I realize it's not a hammer, but take what you can get. Look, you can do this thing, but without me. Is that clear? Leave my kids out of this. Yes. Dude better. Loki? No, I haven't seen him. Asked the Olympians. He did what? Oh. The commies won't be very happy about that. Me? What are you thinking? He can catch those critters himself. Goodbye. And log. Addendum 190-DE-2 In the following, the steps of protocol Midgard are described. 1. All Foundation coverage is withdrawn, and tips on violations in SCP-190-DE-3 are passed to the local health department. 2. Should SCP-190-DE wish to evade the health check, or reject the decision of the health commissioners to prevent the closure of their store, step 1 is to be repeated in each new city where they appear. In addition, the kebab joint must be defamed through social media to force the closure. If SCP-190-DE does not cooperate again by this time, the kebab joint must be closed, and all entities taken into custody by MTF-DE-6-Delta, DOS-Oscobot, i.e. the draft. With the possible support of several units of MTF-DE-4-Beta, D-Vertigator, all of them must be transferred to Site-DE-17 in placed in containment.