 Our divorce will have a big price tag because it's worth it tenfold This brutal story has it all a cheating wife going for the next fix Friends coaching on how to cheat perverse victim blaming and narcissistic tendencies After she's kicked to the curb OP thrives which fuels her anger to concoct a narrative of victimhood You can't make this stuff up Stay till the end of this full story for bonus posts only shared here by royal AI Warning the following story will be upsetting to cheaters Not that atypical. I'm sure I'm hoping others can learn from my mistakes We were married for 19 years together for 23 when she became aloof and distant with her finally Declaring that our marriage seemed likely over and that she was on a healing path on a a while I was broken engaged in my career doting on family music making focused on furniture building with friends and sports She was spending increasing amounts of time out of the house to help celebrate a friend sobriety Teenage daughter and I were home together without mom many nights Things got increasingly worse with my wife stating she was willing to not file for divorce Until our daughter went off to college with the occasional vocalized. What am I thinking? We've built a great life together interludes Finally after about five months of this I couldn't take it anymore and read her emails searched on the word love bang jackpot Confronted her She asked what I found out first mistake told her Got a new set of lies that conveniently served as least harmful explanation of my evidence We only made out once it was awful. We're just friends. I Was crushed having endured this before with my first wife I told her she had to end contact with this guy and we spent the weekend rebonding or so I thought Things seemed to be on a healing path But over the next couple weeks. She started backsliding into the acrimony. She had inflicted upon me earlier She began to urge me to work on my upper chest I told her that I commuted by bicycling 20 miles a day and was in very good shape I said I felt fine about my body Her boyfriend had a big chest. I would learn later More night celebrations re-enter our lives I got a phone she had recently upgraded from and I did a deep forensics dive I found very explicit text messages indicating full carnality Turns out her lover was an opiate junkie. She met in a a 5 foot 8 to my 6 foot 2 Bankrupt estranged from his family pock faced poorly educated I graduated from a top 10 university and was and currently am a technology executive making very good money I was at least relieved that this reinforced my existing knowledge that it was never about me Re-confronted her she wanted to know what new information I found I told her no You'll just make up a new set of lies Tell me everything or get boot kicked out of my house keep in mind. I already know more than you can imagine It all came spilling out in ugly waves all the basic sex moves one is driven to in self-destruction I insisted she write it all out in detail. I confronted her junkie boyfriend at the third-rate hotel He worked in blew it all up his hotel chain transferred him after I confronted him in the lobby I told her I would consider the gift of reconciliation But that she had an enormous amount of work to win back my shattered trust. She seemed grateful for the chance Second mistake I made should have insisted she move out for some period of time Unbeknownst to me our teenage daughter had been reading mom's emails and knew all the tawdry details a Couple weeks after the big D-day daughter got drunk dropped some skittles drove a car off the road Miraculously not injuring herself or others as the car flipped teetering above a rain swollen Creek Daughter got a huge DWI was kicked out of National Honor Society and shamed at school Mom decided I had to deal with all this because she couldn't a Couple weeks later my ex had a complete parental breakdown. She screamed at our daughter repeatedly yelling f you and You are the reason I want to get wasted drunk. You're the reason I think about self-deletion Then she peeled out of the driveway at a high rate of speed to a fate my daughter and I couldn't ponder Our daughter was extremely upset as one could imagine I reassured her that her mother's outburst was completely unacceptable and was about her mother's cognitive and emotional state And not a reflection on her daughter Mom eventually returned remorseful, but minimizing what she had done Then a transformation occurred where our daughter had been overly angry at her mother Now our daughter knew she couldn't be angry at her mother as it could lead her mother to delete herself Which in the twisted logic of mom's tantrum would be daughter's fault So daughter took her otherwise understandable anger out at me Mom greatly relieved Fomented her daughter's re-vected impulse to be angry at me Mom encouraged her daughter to see me as the villain and the rightful recipient of rage an Alcoholic mom had to protect her alcoholic ego and if it meant emotionally manipulating her own daughter no problem This got worse and worse my wife began to see herself as the real victim in all this Which in perverse hindsight she actually was she declared with great relief that I've forgiven myself She would stalk me on internet support groups for victims of infidelity Third mistake telling her about my support systems where she would find fodder for new screaming arguments as Should be fairly predictable by now things completely fell apart when a year into our attempted reconciliation She erupted in a mocking dire tribe about my deepest insecurities and sadness the place every long time spouse knows About the other and knows to never exploit She went there hard Imitating me from moments years prior where I had shared my deepest vulnerabilities She mockingly went into fake tears and exaggerated self-pity while maniacally cackling at my extreme discomfort But that was my light bulb moment and I now see it as a wonderful and enlightening event If in this time in which I was offering the gift of an opportunity to win my trust back She was willing to obliterate all norms of marital decorum to exploit the intimate vulnerabilities I had shared with her my spouse of some 20 years in order to vent her misdirected shame Then clearly and irrevocably she could never ever be trusted again At that moment I knew I had to be rid of this cancer. I was now certain I could never trust her again, and I was not willing to be in a relationship with an irredeemably untrustworthy person Where I had been racked with ambivalence before now I had a calm certainty The divorce settlement was ugly. I ended up paying her $200,000 to keep the house I had already paid for and keep my pension I had worked 20 years for Even though she worked and made a good salary I had paid all the household bills mortgage car payments taxes insurance food Etc for the entire marriage Not sure where all her money went over the years likely to her junkie boyfriend. Who knows The saving grace was the house appraiser she and her attorney insisted on Ended up low-balling the value of the house by several hundred thousand bucks That saved me from real financial ruin, and I got to keep my dream house Which is a custom-made high-end home perched on a ridge on three wooded acres high above a beautiful Environmentally preserved river. It's not a huge home But has a detached recording studio for my music a woodworking shop and is the calmest place. I've ever been Four years later things are much better for my daughter and me Our relationship is strong again, although her scars are still vicious and deep She got into a very competitive college in New York City where she's about to graduate She tells me how much she appreciates that I never bad mouth her mom around her at least While telling me how stressful it is when her mom curses me and speaks Disparagingly about me openly and to anyone who listen Now my ex refers to her affair as her cry for help and blames me for not seeing it as such As she tells her remaining friends I just slept with this guy a few times and OP was too selfish to try to understand my pain In her telling it was the intimacy She will never understand how minor that is compared to the overall context of complete destruction of trust When I hear these statements through the grapevine my overwhelming reaction is one of relief Now I have an amazing girlfriend who is emotionally competent. My daughter likes her too What I wish I'd done differently though a full 180 Demanded a post-nup as a symbol of her commitment to reconciliation Invited her to move out as soon as I had proof of her cheating But it wasn't all bad because what I'm glad I did Hung in there until I had a hundred percent certainty Never bad mouthed mom around our daughter found support systems Confronted her junkie lover knew this had nothing to do with me, but only my ex's brokenness This post is intended to provide hope to those who are where I was five years ago Some of you may have read my story that I posted last week It has many typical elements of infidelity trickle truth victim blaming gaslighting, etc And it had elements of self-deletion attempts daughter and threats of going through with it ex-wife to daughter It was the most horrible time in my life even more horrible than my first marriage's end in infidelity Yes, I'm fixing my picker total Jerry Springer episode But I wanted to affirm that healing and recovery can and does happen. I can't say I'm without scars God knows they're deep and still raw, but I'm also loving life and where I am It took a long time to convert my broken heart through anger to apathy regarding my ex We had been together almost 25 years. We had a daughter together. We built our dream house together I had supported her through various medical crises job crises and her attempts at recovery from alcoholism She comforted me when I lost my father very suddenly and we had built quite a life together Her family loved me and I loved them in return Once it was clear after her affair that she was unwilling to do the hard work to win my trust back I pulled the plug. It was very ugly for a few months My attorney told me I shouldn't move out so I moved into the loft of my marginally heated outbuilding No plumbing, but private and peaceful We negotiated the separation agreement over the next couple months, which would serve as the divorce settlement Daughter was almost 18. So custody wasn't an issue X wanted everything she could get from me But fortunately she and her attorney insisted on an appraiser for the house that seriously undervalued it I paid two hundred thousand dollars to remortgage the house and keep my pension I moved back in in the summer of 2016 It had been six months since the split and I started dating around that time Too soon in many respects But my bruised ego really needed some validation after 24 months of lurid descriptions of what a horrible and undesirable person I was The person I really started to resonate with was someone I knew Though not very well as friends She'd long been divorced from her philandering husband who was not ironically a friend of my now ex This woman and I hit it off and became exclusive within just a few dates She is ivy league smart beautiful also a musician and deeply compassionate But her most wonderful trait is her emotional competence She and I have now been together almost four years and we've not had a fight about anything Disagreements sure, but we work it out gracefully She is in the process of moving in with me in the house. I kept I'm upgrading many things about the house and de-scanquifying it for my new love We're both looking at retirement in a few short years. I trust her completely and look forward to growing old with her She's not the kind of crazy girl that was my pattern for years She's the quiet kind valedictorian type who is not seemingly competitive unless a scrabble board is nearby She's very thoughtful and my kids siblings and 94 year old mom all think quite well of her My ex is still fuming and fragile. She talks crap about me to anyone who'll listen including our now adult daughter I've evolved to the point where hearing that doesn't hurt at all except on my daughter's behalf Instead I hear my ex's anger and perverse victim blaming and feel enormous validation that I did the right thing I have an overwhelming sense of relief At the same time, I wish my ex healing and recovery I've had some shard and Freud at her expense since we split But that is diminishing as I just want her to get her act together I'd like to get along with her not just for our daughter's sake But because there's a good person deep inside the screwed up exterior pretty deep, but they are nonetheless At the same time while getting along would be nice. I'm perfectly fine with her wanting zero contact with me about anything That works too Five years out. I feel like I'm in a very good place with successful children and adorable grandchildren who live next door I live in a beautiful house and have a deeply supportive partner who encourages me to be my best While loving my flaws as well Still have some PTSD, but if I'd have been able to see into this future five years ago, it would have been inspiring It does get better. I promise Well done, sir. Well done As I say I am in the divorce business and stories like yours Those who rise above the tumult caused by a wayward partner warm my heart I love karma making visits to the wayward cheating spouses of my clients I figure mother nature is doing half my job And I do love the ones that take off for greener pastures making their spouse and children's lives akin to a vacation in hell Only to be turfed I have actually laughed in a cheating man's face He thought he would be getting thousand and one adventurous nights What he got was the former beauty queen now seedy overweight with a laundry list of former bed partners And major flatulence issues He left behind a good woman not hard on the eyes with a good head on her shoulders Of course while he was pursuing miss only fans. There was already a lineup to take his place A great many men no quality When the expected occurred he slunk back Only to discover that someone much better had taken his place At last report. He is a sad cliche of a divorced guy He threw away riches for the next shiny object Just curious How did your ex-wife react when she found out you were dating? She was very hurt and thought I was not taking her feelings into consideration It really blows my mind how she could be jumping some junkie behind my back and that's legitimate a cry for help But when she fails to win back my trust After a year long gift of a chance at reconciliation. I call it quits Start dating six months after I've moved out and legally separated and now I'm the bad guy When I hear this calculus I get less angry over time and more relieved to be disentangled from her alcoholic narcissism It's been five-ish years until I called it quits from my cheetah wife of 20 years Mostly healed but scars remain especially as they involve our daughter But one of the enduring ironies and there are many is that her number one attribute in my eyes was loyalty We had differences in certain areas and our marriage wasn't perfect But I knew she would never ever cheat She cut off ties with friends who were cheating. She judged cheaters very harshly She told me if I ever cheated it was over and done Finished I took great comfort in this and counterbalanced it to a lot of other negatives in our relationship Her addictions her narcissism her callousness to my feelings All those things were overlookable because I knew didn't just believe I knew she would never cheat on me When I found out she did a whole lot changed Of course the searing betrayal the destruction of my family played out in front of my very eyes And my sense of safety shattered But one thing that really rattled me was having the foundational attribute of my attraction to her Rendered a joke the things she would never do to me cheat. She did Not even once she did it multiple times. She lied about it She spent the six months of her affair vilifying me Explaining why she was some woke spirit at one with the universe and I was some broken piece of crap The lies and cruelty with which she betrayed me left me wondering If I can no longer trust her what exactly do I fall back on her beauty She was pretty but approaching her mid fifties when gravity gets the best of all of us her intelligence Well, that was a tool by which she devised her subterfuge and trickle truth her empathy gone Yes, I gave her a chance to win back my trust a whole year in fact And while she failed spectacularly, I was almost relieved since my love had been based perhaps too much on her fierce loyalty Yes, she went through the motions in that first few months But over time she rebelled against being cast the bad guy She announced one day. I forgave myself And look to me to celebrate with her She slowly changed her story to one in which her affair was a cry for help and became increasingly angry at me For focusing on my pain instead of hers. I was deemed the selfish and fragile one These depictions were pushing me further away until she erupted one day in a mocking diatribe of my deepest vulnerabilities The deep pain that only a spouse of two decades knows is there She exploited her intimate knowledge of what saddened me deepest and made fun of me laughing and taunting me The light bulb which had been glowing went white hot She was willing to destroy any chance at rebuilding my trust just to convince herself. I was the bad guy Of course, I knew all her vulnerabilities and how to devastate her, but I withheld Later that day. I told her I was done with her I wanted her out of the house and I was seeking a divorce I gave her every chance in the world Certainly more than she deserved and she proved herself irredeemably untrustworthy $200,000 and I am free of her toxins much happier But also prone to dark images of losing everything in my life home loved ones job A haunting for which I am seeking therapy Thanks for letting me vent I wanted to provide a hopeful story to those who need hope My two marriages ended in spousal infidelity both with kids involved It was horrible both times First time after seven years together the second after 25 I didn't think I could ever trust again After lots of therapy. I realized my picker was broken I was picking women who were beautiful smart, but ultimately narcissistic much like my father was I did a lot of self-reflection and re-entered the dating scene Prematurely, but I'm in my 60s And I both wanted to have an experience with a female that was not horrible as well as strike while I still had game Though old I reconnected with an old acquaintance. She turned out to be truly lovely She's beautiful ivy league smart a fellow musician a former betrayed spouse Politically progressive like me, but has a huge heart She's whatever the opposite of a narcissist is a compassionate companion truly non defensive and loyal We've been together four years and had no arguments. We've disagreed and no topics are off limits She just has a way of calmly discussing tricky issues and we end up resolving things mutually She moved in at the start of the virus that hit the world and despite the general anxiety of quarantine It has solidified our commitment. We're going to get married. We've told our children Now we'll let our aging parents know then siblings Our kids are grown and independent a therapist an md a veterinarian and a fashion executive So they made it through the turmoil as well I write this to let folks know with time and hope recovery cannot only be achieved But life can be better than ever life gets better Six years ago last night. I reconfronted her after she had admitted to some inappropriate making out with a guy Based on me finding incriminating emails The reconfrontation involved seeing her continuing text dialogue with the guy After the initial confrontation and remorse I rooted her phone found all sorts of disgusting incriminating evidence of her affair with a junkie. She met in a a Six years ago last night. Our daughter was at a friend's house for the evening. I told my now ex We have to talk she looked worried. What about she asked I just want to make sure I understand what went on between you and junkie I'll use that name here as it suits better than the actual name I stated a bunch of statements. She had said in her first micro confession Many of these statements. I knew were lies some I figured to be true Yes, that's all true. She said with increasing nervousness Then I said I know for a fact that you're lying Tell me the whole truth or get out of this house and don't come back I was furious. She spat back. What is it that you think isn't true? I said, oh, no I'm not going to fall for that again. If I tell you what I know You'll just make up a new set of lies to explain it all Tell me everything or I will kick you out of this house She collapsed and spilled everything multiple encounters what actually went down Coital many positions all done in evenings when she was supposedly going out to celebrate an AA buddy's sobriety date I collapsed in fury sadness heartbreak The full mix of every negative emotion in the human range of feelings each emotion maxed into the red and all at once Within a couple days. I went to the hotel. He worked for and said to him in the lobby loudly So that's your game seducing mentally ill married women you meet in AA meetings He was moved to another state. He began to make veiled threats to our family We tried to reconcile She was good at first But over time she back slid into the kind of narcissism that drives weak people to alcohol She spied on me in internet support forums so she could start fights She threatened suicide to our daughter's face blaming her for it Daughter turned all her anger to me the safe parent Then at the one year anniversary of D day five years ago yesterday She went into a withering dire tribe of my deepest vulnerabilities About my children and family mocking me and laughing to see what pain she caused me That was the moment that flipped the switch I knew back then that time would heal Not completely, but I knew that five or so years out things would be much better I was right things are largely healed between my daughter and me I paid handsomely for her to be gone and got to keep the dream house and my pension I am engaged to a beautiful woman who is emotionally competent She has a daughter who is a therapist I have a daughter who is a doctor a veterinarian son and the aforementioned youngest daughter Who is living in new york city working in fashion management I have three grandsons who live less than 20 miles away My girlfriend and I will retire in a couple of years The virus aside and twilight of my career work hassles aside life is great and low drama She is extremely loyal and comfortable with herself I don't fault myself for giving my ex a second chance It helped erase any doubt as to whether or not we could work it out Of course she blames me for her cheating because that's what alcoholics do Whatever All of this is to say it does get better way better I know a lot of you are going through a tough time But I promise you if you hang in there and reach out for help Things get better way better Good for you my man obligatory question Do you have any idea what the cheating ex is doing six years after? She lives in a nice but small house about a mile away She got most of the friends in the informal friend custody arrangement Including friends who coached in how to cheat She's alone with a small paranoid dog She's still very angry and projects herself loathing at me She talks bad about me around our daughter which causes them to fight Then daughter comes to chill with me and my girlfriend We only say minimal pleasantries about her mom when she daughter is around I hope my ex recovers and finds happiness But my investment in that outcome is really for our daughter's benefit I think the fact that you're thriving is what's fueling her anger People like that want you to be completely miserable and lost without them Once they see that you're better off without them They get really hot pissed The best revenge really is living well it's as simple as that Perhaps but I'm not moving on to relish in Schadenfreude Got an email from my ex nearly five years after our divorce agreement was finalized She wants a piece of art that was on the list for her to have Conditional on retrieving it within 60 days She's four and a half years late There's also a condition that we split any medical expenses that we agree on But were not covered by insurance She continues to present me with bills out of the blue For expenses she thought were covered by insurance that weren't Or going out of network and expecting me to pay for it I've done so to be a good sport But now that she's insisting she is entitled to this piece of art Which is quite amazing and was in our state's art museum for a while I'm asking her about her omission of the medical expenses concurrence And the 60 day window on retrieving her items Predictably she blew up and accused me of violating our daughter's 22 now Hipper writes I'm guessing she wants to get me to pay for mysterious things And not tell me what they're for Daughter is increasingly telling me about her medical issues Some of which are understandably better suited for her mom to understand As they are related to gynecology So I'm keeping the painting You enabled her by paying for things not in your divorce agreement Stop that You owe her only what is in your divorce agreement Contact your lawyer ASAP Stop enabling her I feel it's appropriate to pay half the medical expenses I am merely asking what the bill is for I don't give a crap about my cheating ex But I don't want to make things more stressful for our daughter That's admirable But your daughter is now an adult And should deal with you directly And your ex should simply not be a part of the conversation I know that everybody's ex is crazy I'm even writing a song with that title So, ex of five years And I had a kerfuffle Over some items in the signed long ago divorce agreement She wants a 3.5 grace on picking up a piece of art While I wanted to make it contingent on being kept in the loop Regarding medical expenses and the depletion of the college fund As per the agreement She turned nasty quickly Calling me names and talking mad crap Whatever I didn't take the bait Then, just a few days later My fiancé brings in the mail And sees something from my ex in the mail I'm suspicious Fiancé opens it All it has is three photographs from 20 years ago At the ex's 40th birthday party The three photographs show me and my now fiancé At the big celebration table Fiancé was married to a friend of my ex's So ex invited him and his then wife, now my fiancé And I, of course, was married to my now ex My now fiancé and I were acquaintances back then But not really friends Nor were we putting out any vibe Beyond happily monogamous to our respective partners Neither of us were remotely interested in each other Or anyone other than our then spouses The photos are hardly implicating of anything In one we're sipping beverages In another I'm looking to one side of the room And now fiancé might be looking at me Or the same side of the room I'm looking at The third we're largely obscured by a table decoration There's no note on the pictures We're pretty sure my ex has convinced herself That these are some sort of smoking gun images Of a long standing affair between us We didn't even start dating until six months after the split Which was a year after the failed reconciliation Which itself was a year after my ex's affair started And a full 16 years after these pictures My ex is apparently projecting cheating onto me And my now fiancé We've had a great laugh over this Although I fear my ex is selling this crazy narrative to our daughter Regardless, I have a sense of pity that my ex is so deeply narcissistic And self-loathing That she is having to concoct a narrative of victimhood And blame me for the infidelity That she herself perpetrated My response to all this is no response For the newly betrayed don't think That forgiveness is somehow the ultimate goal Your betraying partner may push for this And at some point you may forgive them But that's not enough And it's not the goal I forgive my ex for cheating She was in some sort of narcissistic haze Associated with perimenopause That seems to be her new forever state I don't excuse it But I understand she's a mess And it definitely screwed her up more Than our daughter or me I don't forgive how she treated our daughter But that's another issue The goal whether folks can stick it out Or call it quits is to trust again If folks stick it out with a very low success rate It'll only work if the wayward spouse does the heavy lifting To win back trust If folks call it quits the typical outcome Even if reconciliation is attempted The goal is to be able to trust someone else again Including yourself Trust is the real casualty And it is also the ultimate goal of healing What are your thoughts on this? Yes, trust is for sure a hard one And was very difficult for me to regain with someone else I never could with her Another big one for me Is the loss of innocence I had dated quite a bit before I met my ex-wife And even fallen in love once But I will never have that innocent love I had for my ex The feeling that it's meant to be Some kind of fate And just a total bonding and life building together I have never felt again And I never will I love my current wife far more deeply Strongly and wiser than I ever did And I'm glad I'm not with my cheating ex However, I really just wish I had never met her in the first place I wish I had the capacity for that kind of innocence With my current wife instead That's the one thing my ex took from me That I just can never get back Forgiveness for me is overrated I wrote this five years ago My anger has mollified a good bit But I don't disagree with anything I wrote I never sent it to her But it felt very cathartic to write Bad to send Would just give her more ammo against me at worst And make her laugh or ignore it at best Sorry it's long You can skip this part If you don't care to hear it For the ones who want to hear it Here it goes With the judge's signature on the divorce complaint We are no longer married We remain tethered through parenting And a shared history Whose vicissitudes have been sadly overshadowed By the tawdry demise of our relationship I retain fond memories of our relationship's early years And mourn what became of the kind spirit I once knew I've been working through my thoughts and feelings on our marriage And it's in glorious end I'm not finished with that work And I imagine I will never be I spent over half of my adult life with you So detaching is difficult under the best of circumstances Ungainly and messy Given how it all ended I'm thankful that the split has forced me to do some difficult self-examination My work in therapy and beyond has enabled me To see who I am and where I came from with greater clarity I'm hopeful this work gives me new tools for productive engagements In my current relationship and beyond And your transformation over the past four years Into someone I barely recognize Has made it clear to me That I could not sustain a healthy relationship With the person you have become Despite my work, I still retain a lot of anger at you My commitment to your happiness was sustained and significant I did a great deal to provide you a family A home while providing strong domestic support And giving you space for your alone time And social time away from the family I honoured your feelings And did what I could to support you and make your life better As a codependent, I often suppressed my own feelings And undoubtedly harboured unhealthy resentments for that While you were kind and appreciative of me for many years Your demons wore you down And you became resentful, deceitful And ultimately subservient to your alcoholic ego You cannot imagine, and I hope you never experience The pain of having someone to whom you've dedicated yourself Attempt to shore up their insecurities by tearing you down When I needed you during my career crisis You shrank Claiming to not understand what comfort was I told you repeatedly and explicitly what I needed from you You pushed me away when I needed you And then began your focus on feeding your insecurities By destroying your own family Was there causality? I cannot know The family that you once wanted more than anything Was pushed aside So that you could explore your self-doubts In unhealthy ways You fell prey to the addictive fix of another man's romantic and intimate attention And that became your priority over your husband, your daughter, and your family You paid lip service to compassion and growth While you became callous in your behaviour And your character shrunk into a self-delusional mess of hypocrisy Our daughter and I gave you space to heal in AA You turned that act of generosity Into an opportunity to exploit and deceive us The notable increase in AA meetings In AA celebrations In time away from the family These were ruses So that you could pursue the tawdry affirmation of a fellow broken human You constructed and publicised a story of my brokenness Which stood in contrast to your blossoming growth and self-discovery Predicated on owning your crap Pursuing a fearless moral inventory And Buddhist concepts of the inevitability of change All of which you used To cover and then justify the destruction you were wreaking on your own family All of this hypocrisy was cruel lip service You used to uplift yourself To mask your destruction To blame me While you cast aside accountability and compassion You sought to cope with your self-loathing By lashing out at me and turning your back on your own family And all for what? When confronted with your betrayal, you chose new lies To maintain the betrayal and further imperil any chance of redemption It was only through my forensic technical work laying a trap for you With an explicit threat of marital dissolution that you told the truth A truth even then contained lies as to the depths of your relationship with your lover As you sought to further the pattern of making deals with the truth To avoid full accountability Despite all my pain, I gave you the gift of another chance I was willing to work on the Herculean task of putting this behind us If you were willing to be honest, remorseful, and do a complete 180 degree Turn away from the narcissism and destruction that had captured you for over a year After all you had done to me, my family, and my dreams, I was willing to give you a second chance And at first you displayed encouraging signs of remorse and of making amends But over the year those gestures gave way as your selfishness returned You stalked me on support forums to collect information you could use against me in arguments You vilified my anger as you continued to give yours free reign You turned away from supporting my emotional pain and focused on making excuses for your behavior on equivocating your role, on forgiving yourself, and insisting you would not be put in the shame corner You took umbrage at my selective sharing of my pain with others castigating me for exposing your treachery to folks from whom I desperately needed support That I needed support was irrelevant to you You wanted subterfuge, a way to hide and deny what you had done Your continued self-deception superseded my need for support The breaking point for me was your tirade on the anniversary of D-Day where you mocked my deepest vulnerabilities You did so with a malicious spirit that showed me in the starkest way possible who you had become The reason I decided at that point to divorce you was not the infidelity or my inability to forgive you for what you had done to our family It was that you had shown yourself to be repeatedly and irredeemably untrustworthy I saw our reconciliation stood no chance against the compulsive demands of your narcissism And I knew that without hope of regaining trust our relationship could never be one of which I wanted to be a part Although you want to believe my fragility regarding infidelity was the cause of our split It wasn't the infidelity that was just the most brazen manifestation of a much larger campaign of untrustworthiness This spilled over into selfishness with the in-house separation when you brazenly moved back into the house under the noble sounding ruse of supporting our daughter Then you turned your back on our initial separation agreement terms And aggressively pursued getting every asset you could including inheritance from my mother Stock options awarded for years of service predating our marriage all the assets you could legally if not morally claim You continued your withering criticisms of how poorly I was handling the aftermath of your destructive behaviors Judging me negatively for not handling your destruction of my family While taking the opportunity to lay much of the blame for your swath of destruction on me Just so you could avoid culpability Since the separation you vilified me as being a narcissist of caring only about myself Telling me how glad you are that we're done accusing me of being an inadequate provider Not just for our daughter, but my other children blaming me yet again for my brokenness You've constructed a narrative of absolution told it to friends Sold it to our daughter and then denied having done so Then between these moments of lashing out and revilifying me you throw out olive branches I understand you can't face the totality of what you've done I understand your feelings of self-loathing would become unbearable When faced with the reality of your selfishness of having destroyed the family you once purported to hold as your life's priority I finally understand how powerful the mental emotional and spiritual brokenness is that underlies alcoholism I understand how thoroughly devastating taking full accountability for what you've done must be I understand the power of the mixture of self-loathing and narcissism That drives your delusions all of your betrayal of me. I am putting behind me gradually and with great effort The emotional devastation is slowly healing the financial duress I am managing the destruction of my dreams of a healthy family. I am accepting Moving forward and pursuing a relationship with the world that is honest and more fully informed is my goal My regrets over how I handled the devastation remain Although as I consider how much of my life's aspirations of family love and trust had been thoroughly and systematically destroyed By your campaign of projected self-loathing. I cut myself slack But of course my pain and broken dreams aren't the greatest tragedy of your implosion What I am really struggling to overcome is my anger at you for all you've done to your own daughter My daughter through your behavior you destroyed our daughter's sense of safety and security You took a home and transformed it into a battlefield whose scars now overwhelm her memories of stability and reliability She can't even stay in her childhood home now You've thrown our collective financial fortunes into disarray You were supposed to have been salting away the equivalent of the private school tuition into the college fund While I was dutifully paying the family bills This would have put 110 000 aside for our daughter Where is the shortfall of the remaining 55 000? Who knows? While I was paying mortgage taxes insurance bills groceries, etc You were unable to fulfill your college savings goal. Where did the money go? Did you give it to your lover who was clearly financially struggling? Did you spend it on other secret aspects of your life? Regardless of where it went it's not there for our daughter Now we're having to live lives of extreme restraint Despite paying 10 000 in lawyer bills Despite paying over 8 000 out of pocket for cancer related expenses Despite having you wreck my car and not pay for it Despite incurring over 1k in veterinary bills for the dogs You had to have 14 years ago because your friends had dogs and you were jealous I still managed to save money for our daughter's college Having given you a check for 60 grand in june. You've managed to save eight Or as you referred to it since it's seven now You can't save enough for her college costs yet you curry her favor by sending her spending money And then vilify me for my prioritizing her education costs over her discretionary spending What lesson are you teaching her? You inflict your financial denial and ignorance on our daughter by convincing her to not get an on-campus job This leaves her extremely stressed out as she has been sold your naive delusion That somehow the family can fulfill your fantasy of a private college experience Replete with spending money even after you threw our collective financial fortunes into turmoil My insistence on prioritizing foundational expenses and looking to her to find a way to earn her own spending money Has been met by you with name-calling angry dire tribes all within earshot of our daughter and all the while Your saving toward her foundational costs is lagging in a worrisome fashion Our daughter's near fatal car accident was no accident Having overheard your destructive behavior her sense of security and stability were threatened significantly This led to a troubling uptick in choices. She made which ultimately led to her near end You and I agreed on constraints on her behavior as a response to her accident And then you started bargaining those down often in her presence undercutting the unified front To which you gave lip service as vitally important You have since rewritten your own personal history to change the chronology of events absolving your destructive behavior as a catalyst for her accident But the facts of my journal entries show that to be yet another self delusion to shield you from your own behavior Her accident was a couple weeks after she learned of her mother's betrayal against the family and against her Like many of your other self delusions You've sold this to our daughter so that you can maintain some semblance of absolution But the most stunning example of your destructive behavior was your complete meltdown weeks after our daughter's accident Where you screamed at her yelling at her about wanting to delete yourself and she would be the only reason for it You've since confidently declared to me that you and her have put this behind you But I am certain those words sunk deeply into her In that moment you declared yourself off limits for her criticism You told our daughter that you were considering deleting yourself And it was a short leap of logic that any criticism of you might harm you Our daughter had an understandably huge amount of anger that her security and stability were ripped out from under her Yet you robbed her of even the opportunity to express her anger at you Many things came out of the joint therapy session We had that I cannot share but this fear of you being criticized is real and it's emotionally crippling Enter your ex-husband and his anger issues Our daughter knows i'm the safe parent the stable one and that you are unstable and worrying She's told me that explicitly So I am the safe recipient of her anger since she is confident. I won't destroy everyone in response Meanwhile, you take great relief in her anger at me since it helps you avoid taking full accountability for destroying your daughter's family and protection You embrace it readily willfully oblivious of the huge emotional damage it is causing her As painful as it is for me to bear the brunt of her anger I take comfort that it is because she sees me as stable and reliable I am trying my best to absorb it and see it as an endorsement of me as the safe parent I have foolishly tried to bring this up with you and you quickly go on the attack Villifying me for my displays of anger you criticizing me for how I handle my emotions Yet you cannot see the blatant irony. Do I have amends to make to her? Of course, I have and will continue to apologize for getting in her face Demanding she treat me with respect while you used my eruption to feed your narrative of absolution And you've helped support her generalizing my anger into threatening episodes Even episodes in which my behavior was truly non-threatening She told me over the thanksgiving holidays that she was furious at me She told me I will never forgive you dad for the things you almost did She's struggling mightily with the weight of all the pain you've caused And when I point that out you rushed to defend her as though I were criticizing her and label me a narcissist Yet you cannot see the blatant irony You have repeatedly shown your willingness to put your alcoholic ego ahead of your own daughter's emotional health And that I will never forgive You're supposed to be her role model What you've shown her in your devolution over the past four years is anything but an example of a healthy adult woman You've shown her all about ethical frailty, moral turpitude, weakness, mendacity, façades of bravado Desperate obsession with physical beauty and so much more While I will get past your failings as a spouse I don't think I can ever accept your ongoing repeated refusals to do the right thing as a parent Our daughter knows deep down who you are But she can't bring herself to face it because she believes she will be betraying you She fears she will cause you to actually do what you yelled at her She feels an extreme need to protect you to take care of you in an unhealthy reversal of roles In return, you're trying to curry her approval by giving her spending money By indulging her embrace of victimhood and weakness by projecting your own self-doubt onto her She is a young woman with considerable abilities that your example is hideously undercutting I have little confidence this epistle will do anything more Then inflame your predilections to lash out at me and project your self-loathing on me Rather than search for the truth in my diatribes But I still care about you enough to know what good you're capable of Deep inside the wounded alcoholic that seeks to further self-injure and blame everyone else There resides an intelligent caring person capable of goodness and rectitude I just fear that inner person may never again surface and that would be a shame especially for our daughter Twice I had families destroyed by spousal infidelity Kids involved, messes galore Hundreds of thousands of dollars lost in legal fees and estate settlements Thousands invested in therapy for all damaged by it Nevertheless, this Saturday my beloved girlfriend of five years and I had an intimate wedding service before family In the front yard and promised faithfulness loyalty and patience for the rest of our lives It was a beautiful service. My three grandsons were the flower boys They were diligent But the two-year-old wandered off to play with the toys He knew were in grandpa's house instead of scattering flower petals The minister was a friend of my new wife the photographer a friend of mine for 40 years And a childhood friend of my new wife helped organizing It was a beautiful low humidity sunny, but hot day in north carolina I love my father-in-law My new mother-in-law is in the intermediate stages of alzheimers But at least she knew her daughter was getting married to me. So that's good My new stepdaughter is great a 30-year-old therapist who is moving with her adorable Mathematician boyfriend on a postdoc fellowship My three kids get a stepmom and the grandkids get a new grandmother Bottom line for those so inclined you can find trust again You can find love and there are truly warm-hearted people out there Context she cheated we tried to reconcile but her efforts flagged and my anger didn't subside Since then our daughter has largely cut me out of her life while knowing everything her mom did Which is a remaining source of sadness for me I've since gotten married which I know caused my daughter great stress My ex sent me the following letter Hi, op I hope you and your wife are well I've learned about some continued justifiable anger you have about my horrible words and actions toward you and our daughter jane I want you to know how deeply sorry I am for all the pain I have caused to both of you My actions were inexcusable and if I could go back in time, I would make very different choices You are a good man and my infidelity was beyond messed up. I don't blame you for that In any way shape or form The second I made the choice to betray you was the second our marriage was over You can't come back from a breach of trust The horrible things I said to jane about her causing the thoughts I had and drinking make me sick to my stomach She and I have had a lot of conversations and individual therapy around those horrific words and around my actions I still try to apologize to her, but she doesn't want to talk about it beyond saying. Yeah, that was really messed up How I treated you and her is my biggest shame and regret It was a betrayal on so many levels and I take complete responsibility for my actions and words The betrayed partner is never to blame for the infidelity Jane has done a lot of therapeutic work to reconcile how her mother destroyed her sense of safety And the destructive and devastating impact that had on her life That's not to say those scars will ever go away. I know that She has emerged on the other side as a strong funny kind Responsible compassionate young woman She is healthier than she's ever been working out every day rarely drinking and not smoking She does not talk to me about you and I do not bring you up except to recall warm memories of things such as your wonderful snack bags I know that you both want a good relationship with one another and I have faith that you will get there in time I do believe that and want that for both of you I know that these words cannot erase the damage I've done You have every right to be angry with me for the rest of your days I'm so happy you and your wife found your way to each other And that you have found someone who can celebrate your many wonderful talents and qualities Plus she can sing on key I'm sure you two are making beautiful music together wishing you all good things OP your x Seemed heartfelt, but way too late for her apology to really have any effect on current situations 2,920 days 47,720 waking hours 16 a day five paragraphs In those five paragraphs there is absolutely nothing about trying to help you reconcile with your daughter Although it's good. She can see that she wasn't the hero in her story And these wrecked marriages. I don't think anybody's the hero comes with being human I guess The only good thing about it was it gave me an opportunity to tell her the only remaining sadness I have is regarding our daughter And I did correct her about her being neutral about me daughter has told me quite the opposite As for her I wish her healing. I don't expect much to come from this Why did your daughter have that attitude any clue to why? During our tumultuous failed reconciliation. My daughter had a near fatal dwi Just after learning all about her mom's affair in the aftermath My ex threatened the unthinkable in my daughter's face blaming her for those thoughts That understandably freaked out my daughter then 16 That was a big turning point where daughter turned against me and my ex joined her inventing rage at me In the aftermath of almost losing my daughter due to horrible decisions driving while drunk I wanted to impose serious constraints on daughter's freedom Mom was too afraid of our daughter being angry at her and thus Indulged her to the point of betraying agreements. She and I had decided upon as parents Regarding our daughter's freedom some of which she had insisted on They repeatedly ganged up on me and I started to wonder if I was going crazy I hit my breaking point and decided the marriage was unsalvageable So I angrily told my ex I was done with her. I kept the house where my daughter rarely comes I think what happened was this all showed my daughter rightly that her mom was extremely unstable Daughter was afraid mom would actually do it if daughter vented her anger at mom So she got mad at the parent. It was safe to be angry with me Happy to say daughter went off to college did well Graduated and is now having a vibrant career in new york Far from the reminders of this absolute cluster storm I was not expecting a story like this It's ironic that your love for your daughter resulted in you sacrificing your relationship with her She may never see it which is indeed sad But you can still be proud of what you did for her I had an interesting visit from my ex yesterday We've been split for seven years after a very ugly year long attempt to reconcile from her affair from a junkie She met in a a after some 20 years of marriage She was horrible in the run-up to the affair during the affair during the attempted reconciliation And the five years following our split including poisoning the relationship between our daughter and me Despite daughter knowing all the details of mom's affair She was absolutely a horrible spiteful person during those years a few months ago Ex had reached out with a mostly conciliatory email after years of little contact For the sake of our daughter and my own closure I replied that I was at peace about it all but I called her out on her false claim at never having bad mouth me to our daughter Ex responded contritely that yeah, she had done that and she was sorry She came over yesterday to fetch some old videotapes of our daughter and of general family history Presumably to convert them to digital format My new and final wife made sure she was out of the house Although I told her it was fine if she was at home Ex and I chatted for some 15 minutes. She was super nervous the whole time Apologetic and heavy with remorse. I was interested in how her family was doing since I still care about them She was embarrassed and apologized for having gone crazy and ruining everything we had She was happy. I found someone who was right for me and was truly sincere I didn't respond much other than to peacefully nod and give off strong vibes that I had come out the other end Relieved and happier than I would have been if we'd tried to make it work She looked sad and defeated when I asked how she was doing she perked up forcefully and said I am doing great But it seems she's still struggling She was looking for affirmation that our 25 years together were not poisoned And I nodded gently in concurrence that indeed we had some good times together My body language was relaxed and at peace She apologized for not being there for me when I was having a biopsy for cancer during her affair Turned out it was all benign and began a litany of apologies until she caught herself And I said it was all okay now She is still wracked with remorse, but my calm reassured her that I was at peace It was a good meeting I realized in that moment that my anger about her cheating and our marriage is gone Except for lingering anger at how she's harmed our daughter and our relationship I felt sorry for her and realized that despite everything I went through I was the least damaged in the long run compared to her and our daughter I will admit there was a little bit of implied boasting on my part that my life was truly settled and that I was at peace But there was nothing forced in my vibe of happiness No goodbye hugs or anything When she left I sat for a few minutes to bask in the realization that I've truly healed Even if some scars remain I tried to forgive earlier for my own sanity But I realized yesterday That I am ultimately better off for having suffered all that pain and that my implied forgiveness is genuine I just wanted to share this story of triumph with those of you who are in the throes of the pain I was in seven years ago That recovery is achievable and when you finally get there you might not notice right away Ultimately, I think this is what a lot of us on here would like to receive one day Especially those of us who were treated like yourself Where our x treated us horribly when it wasn't deserved When the relationship we had with a cheating x was ultimately pretty wonderful as was my case Despite obviously the cheating. This is an apology a lot of us won't get Especially when it's genuine And that person does feel remorse for how they behaved and they recognize the loyal partner didn't deserve any of it Nonetheless, it's still nice to read about Thank you for sharing For sure, it's an apology. I never expected to hear Frankly after all these years it's kind of sad to hear it But the big thing for me is the realization of indifference and peace Well handled and keep looking forward. I appreciate the mature perspective you've shared It's great how sometimes things just work out. Well, I hope you are on better terms with your daughter That brings us to the end of opie's story He claims he protected his daughter and it seems he did so By sacrificing his relationship with her Do you agree or do you have different thoughts on this one? His story is rough and even though he was momentarily more decisive when he filed for divorce He seems to be somewhat stuck Stuck in a loop of constant reflecting back on the betrayal Over repeating the same events Tiring oneself down and not really letting go But that might just be my perspective. Let us know what you think Smack the like button hit the bell And I'll see you in the next one