 The Jack Benny program transcribed presented by Lucky Strike. Do you, too, da, do, da, do, da, do you, too, da, do, da, do it, be happy, go lucky, be happy, get better taste, be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Friends, tear and compare. See for yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer. Carefully tear a thin strip of paper straight down the seam from end to end and gently remove the tobacco. In tearing, be sure not to loosen or dig into the tobacco. Now, do exactly the same with a Lucky Strike. Then compare. Some cigarettes are too loosely packed. Some even fall apart. But look at that lucky. See how it stays together, a perfect cylinder of fine, mild tobacco, so round and firm and fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Now, what does this mean to you as a smoker? It means you're lucky is free of excessive air spaces, hot spots that burn harsh and dry, and those annoying loose ends that spoil the taste. And because you're lucky has long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco, it burns evenly, smoked smooth and mild. Yes, tear and compare. Prove to yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. Then make your next carton Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis A. The Sportsman, Quartet, and yours early, Don. Ladies and gentlemen, it's spring house cleaning time. And because of the size of Jack Benny's residence, Rochester has asked his friend Roy to come over and help him with the work. There, this rug is clean. And I've finished dusting the furniture. Come on, let's go on the next room. OK, Rochester. Gosh, Roy, I've got to tell you again, it sure is swell of you to come over here and help me. Ah, that's all right, Rochester. That's what friends are for, to do favors for each other. I guess you're right. That's how it is with the people on Mr. Benny's radio show. Don Wilson does favors for Dennis Day. Dennis Day does favors for Phil Harris. And last week, Mr. Benny gave Miss Livingston a blood transfusion. Mr. Benny gave her a blood transfusion? Was Miss Livingston sick? No, it was her birthday, and he felt he had to give her something. Rochester, with all these stories I hear about Mr. Benny, I'm curious. Just how much money did he pay you? Well... Come on, Rochester, how much salary do you get? Roy, you're unemployed, and I'm even ashamed to tell you. Oh, then what I heard about Mr. Benny being somewhat on the tight side is true. Well, uh, no, not exactly. You can't call a man tight just because he likes to save his money. I don't understand you're a figure in Rochester. If Mr. Benny isn't cheap, then why does he want to save so much money? He says money is healthy. Money is healthy? Yes, green. It's got chlorophyll. Amazing. Amazing. Oh, Rochester. Rochester. Yes, boss? Where's my shoebrot? Right next to your shoes. Oh, thanks. Say, Rochester, if you help me move the piano, I could dust behind it. All right, but first put Mr. Benny's violin up on the shelf. Okay. Now, come on, help me move the piano. Oh, some of the music fell off. Hey, it's all right, Rochester. I'll figure it out. Hmm, that's funny. I never heard of this song before. Oh, that's the one Mr. Benny wrote. Mr. Benny wrote a song? Let's see this. When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you. When you ask me to forgive you, I'll... Oh, no, no, no. Now, wait a minute, Roy. Don't let that song fool you. It's loud to be a hit. What makes you say that? Mr. Benny's getting a big singer to introduce him. Johnny Ray. He really wants to make that boy cry, don't he? I guess so. Oh, Rochester. Rochester. Yes, boss? Where's my hair brought? Right next to your hair. Oh, thanks. Roy, put the music over on the table. Okay. Hey, that's a nice picture of Mr. Benny. Where was it taken? In France. Two years ago, Mr. Benny vacationed at the beach on the Riviera. He sure looks good. But I think those French bathing suits look better on women. But he'll try anything once. Oh, Rochester. Yes, boss? Where's my toothbrush and don't be funny. Well. Never mind. I found it. Say, Rochester, this is the best picture I ever saw of Mr. Benny. How old is he, anyway? 39. Oh, come on. We're friends. You can tell me. Hold it. 39. That's his real age. The other day, I saw it on his driver's license. Really? Of course. It was a license to drive a stagecoaster. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. A stagecoaster. Now, Roy, I'm going to take this trash out of the incinerator. Uh, will you finish the dusting? No, sir. Doggun, Mr. Benny sure has a nice house here. And the furniture is so... Hello? What? Well, I'm sorry, madam. You must have the wrong number. Well, I better finish the dusting. Hey, what are all these packages doing back there in the corner? Cost their laundry bundles to be delivered. Hey, she didn't have the wrong number. She'll probably call back and... Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Roy. Where's Rochester? He went out to the incinerator to burn some things. Oh, oh. Now, would you like me to get you some breakfast, Mr. Benny? No, I better wait for Rochester to do it. He knows how I like my egg. Oh, well, uh, how do you like your egg? I don't know. He knows. Anyway, I'm not very... Oh, good morning, boss. I was just burning some trash. You didn't burn my copy of Esquire, did you? Oh, no, boss. Good, good. Say, did Dennis Day call me? No, why? Well, I told him I wanted to come over this morning. I want to hear his song. Well, he usually comes in the afternoon. Well, I will be here this afternoon. I'm taking the Beverly Hills beavers to the zoo. I better call Dennis. Come in. Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, Dennis, I was just phoning you at your house. Oh, well, hold on. I'll run home and answer it. Now, Dennis, I told you to get here early today because I'm going to be out this afternoon. Where were you all morning? Oh, I was taking a magic lesson. Another lesson? Dennis, why are you studying magic? I want to amaze people. Believe me, you do. You know, Mr. Benny, today I learned a wonderful trick. Maybe I can do it on your next television show, huh? A trick? Dennis, look, at all I... You know the famous trick where you take 20 throwing needles and swallow them, and then you take a piece of thread and swallow it, and then all the needles come up threaded. You... You did that trick? Uh-huh. And it worked all right? I don't know yet. They're going to operate on me tomorrow. Dennis, I don't want to hear any more about your magic lessons. I promise to take the beavers to the zoo today, so let me hear the song you're going to do on the show. Okay. What are you laughing at? Those needles are keeping me in stitches. Now, cut that off! It's a senior fault. Now, you better run along, because I got to have something to eat and then take the beavers to the Griffith Park Zoo. Would you like to go with us? No, I don't like to go to the zoo. It's fattening. The zoo is fattening? What do you mean? The monkeys keep throwing me peanuts. Well, you don't have to eat them. Dennis, run along with you. Okay. Come in. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hello, Dennis. Hello, Mary. Are you going to go to the zoo with Mr. Benny? Yes. Are you? No, I'm overweight now. Goodbye. Wait a minute, Mary. Did you hear what Dennis just said? Yes. When I asked him, he was going to the zoo. He said, no, he was overweight. Now, Jack, when are we going to leave? Wait a minute, Mary. Wait a minute. Just one minute. Don't you want to know what he meant? I know what he meant. What? To him, the zoo is fattening, because when he goes there, the monkeys throw peanuts at him. Well, how did you know? I've seen them do it. How do you like that? I thought he made the whole thing up. Hey, Jack, how soon are we going? As soon as the beavers get here. Well, as long as we have a few minutes, I've got something I'd like to read to you. What is it? A letter from my mother. A letter from your mother? Another one, huh? Go ahead, Mary. Read it. Okay. Well, so long, Roy, and thanks for the help. You're welcome, right, Dennis. Oh, excuse me, Mr. Mary. Thanks very much for helping Roger. I was glad to do it, Mr. Benny. Now, wait a minute. Here's a $5 bill for you. Oh, thanks, Mr. Benny, but I couldn't take $5. Well, uh, here's $3. No. No, I couldn't take that much. Well, then here, at least take a dollar. Well... Take 50 cents. I was going to take the dollar. Oh, well, here you are. Thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Can you read me your mother's letter? Okay. My darling daughter, Mary, just a note to let you know that we are all well. Although I must say that this being election year, your father and I have been having our usual political arguments. As you know, I'm a Republican. He's a Democrat. I wear a button that says I like ice, and your father's been wearing a coombskin cap. He thought it was a coombskin until this morning when it had kitten. No, kid. Well, Mary, at last... Well, Mary, at last I have some good news for you. We're finally getting rid of your Aunt Emily. Well, it's about time. She's been living with your family as long as I can remember. For the past two years, your Aunt Emily's been going with a local undertaker. And next Sunday, they're getting married. I'm glad when they get a home of their own, I'm tired of them coming in here every night with those secondhand flowers. Good job. Right now she's wearing a ribbon in her hair that says rest in peace. So he's an undertaker. He's very progressive, and he's the only one in town with a convertible hearse. A convertible hearse? His slogan is, get a little brown before they lower you down. Your mother is a humdinger today. So we're close with love, Mama. P.S., just as I was getting ready to seal this envelope, the postman came with your check for Mother's Day. Mary, this was very thoughtful of you. But how you could send me that much money on the salary Jack pays you I'll never know. Mary, how much did you send her? Four dollars. Oh, well, that's different. Hey, Mary, when you answer the... I'll get her Rochester. That must be the beavers. Excuse me, Mary. Well, Joey, Stevie, boys, come on in. Ah, gee, Mr. Ben, when beavers meet their leader, no one is supposed to talk until after the official greeting. Oh, my goodness, I forgot. I'll close the door and we'll do it over again. Come in. They're too hard. Fellow beavers never part. So sick and thin and rain or shine, we'll never doubt you're 39. Oh, pardon. Then I'll come back to you. Ah, gee, thanks, fellow beavers. That's wonderful. I think it's corny. Come on in, kids. Are you ready to take us to the zoo, Mr. Benny? Yes, as soon as I get my hat and coat. Come on in. Fellow beavers. Hello, Miss Livingston. Are you going to the zoo with us? Well, yes, boys, I am. Good, good. Okay, okay. Come on, kids. We're off to the zoo. We'll see lions and elephants. Are we seeing any tigers? Tigers? I'll say we will. Come on, let's go. We've seen that tiger. Heard boos, boos, boos. Where did that mean old kitty cat go? Mr. Benny, to bring us here and show us all the animals he captured while he was in Africa. Uh, captured while he was... Come on, kids, let's go. Wait a minute. Jack, did you tell... Mary, never mind. Peanut's here to feed the animals. Oh, boys, would you like me to get you some peanuts? Yeah, sure. Oh, boy. Okay. Oh, mister. Yeah, lady? Three bags of peanuts, please. There you are. That's 30 cents. 30 cents? Yeah, 10 cents a bag. Well, gee, it seems to me that a Nicola bag would be plenty. I'm sorry, lady, but it's 10 cents a bag. Well, how about making a three for a quarter? Yeah. Your blood, and already, it's affected me. So terrible about that. This morning I stopped payment on my mother's check. You better call the bank and get it fixed up. Lady, do you want the peanuts or not? Of course I want some. Here's 50 cents. Keep the change. Gee. Come on, kid. Hey, Mr. Benny. Which one? Oh, that's a leopard. Oh, that's a leopard. A leopard? Is that the kind of skin you wore when you played the part of Tarzan in the movie? Well... Jack, did you tell these kids you played the part of Tarzan? He probably didn't tell you much, little son, because he's so modest. Yes, yes. Tarzan yell. The Tarzan yell? Oh, not in front of all these people. Go on, Tarzan. Give the yell. Mary. Mary, don't be silly. You give that yell or I'll tell all these kids the truth. Oh, all right. You and your big mouth. Never mind. Come on, kid. Jackson. Jackson. Oh, hello, Phil. Hey, what are you doing down here at the zoo? Strictly business, Jackson. You know I'm losing Britwell, my clarinet player. Well, what's losing your clarinet player got to do with your coming down to the zoo? They got a train seal here that blows the horn and I came down to audition it. Phil, are you serious? You're going to replace Britwell with a seal? Pretty good idea, isn't it? Well, from an appearance standpoint, I think it's an improvement. But musically, I don't know. You said the same thing about Fletch, my trombone player. But when I put shoes on him and shaved him all the way down to the waist, nobody ever guessed I got him from Clyde Beach. I didn't even know it myself until I saw him turn the music with his feet. Anyway, Phil, I'm glad you're going to hire that seal. You are? Yeah, it'll be a novelty having one member in your orchestra that likes water. If you know what I mean. Yes. Over here, kid. Oh, in a minute. Come over and say hello to Mr. Harris. Hello, Mr. Harris. Hello. Hiya, kid. That's me. Gee, are you the guy that's married to that blonde bombshell? All right, Jackson. I also get a kick out of it when I tell her someone called her a blonde bombshell. What's your name, Sonny? Jeff Keller. It's the kid that keeps calling her up. Keeps calling her up. Call her up. Look, Buster, you break up my home and I'll strangle you with a lock of my own hair. All right, all right, Phil. Come on, kid. See you later, Phil. So long, Jackson. I'm going over to see the elephants again. Again? Why all the interest, Phil? Haven't you ever seen elephants before? Not gray ones. Too close to a lion. That tiger is much tougher than a lion. Oh, yeah? Boys, boys, don't argue about it. Yes, kids. We can get this settled right now. Here comes the animal trainer. I'll ask him. Say, mister, I'm sorry to bother you. But between the lion and the tiger, which one is the more ferocious? I don't know. Well, isn't the lion called a king of beasts? I don't know. Well, isn't it true that the lion is stronger but the tiger is more cunning? I don't know. Well, if you don't know anything, why are you carrying that whip on a chair? Did you ever see my wife? Let's go, kid. Mr. Benny? His wife. Let's go and look at the other animal. Oh, shut up. Mr. Benny, you're not afraid of that lion, are you? Of course not. He roars again. I'll go in that cage and slap his silly face. Now come on, kids, and you better button up your coats. It's getting breezy. Yeah, here, boys. Let me help you with your coat. Wait a minute. Wait, Joey, look where your hat went. It blew into the lion's cage. Let's go, Mary. We'll get you a new one. I'm going to get Tarzan and get his hat. Well... All right, Mary, if you want me to, I will. I'll go in that cage and get his hat. Stand aside. Come on at me and get your dirty paw off that hat. Well, Mary, you didn't think I'd go into that lion's cage, did you? Did you? I dare you to do it on television. Mel Blank plays the lion, I will. Come on, kids, we're going home. You can tear and compare and see with your own eyes how luckies are made better to taste better. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer. Carefully tear a thin strip of paper straight down the seam from end to end and gently remove the tobacco. In tearing, be sure not to loosen or dig into the tobacco. Now, do exactly the same with a lucky strike. Then compare. You'll see some cigarettes are so loosely packed they fall apart. Others have excessive air spaces, hot spots that burn harsh and dry. But you won't find that in a lucky. Just look at that perfect cylinder of fine mild tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Notice those long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco that smoke smooth and even that give you a milder, better tasting cigarette. Yes, friends, tear and compare. Prove to yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. Then make your next carton, Lucky Strike. Do you do that to study? Be happy. Go lucky, go lucky, strike today. Good night, everybody. Happy Mother's Day. Transcribed, this is the CBS Radio Network.