 W-E-A-F, New York. Have Avalon cigarettes, please? Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You'd never guess, but Avalons cost you less. Welcome to Avalon Time with Red Foley, Jeanette, Edna Stillwell, the Avalon chorus, Bob Strong and his orchestra, and Red Skelton. The orchestra opens the program with romance, runs and the family. Just to put Avalons in a class by themselves. They're made from the very finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos, blended to perfection. And still, Avalons cost three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. Three to five cents less, mind you, for a cigarette that's unsurpassed in quality. Is it anyone to then, friends, that Avalons are known from coast to coast as the outstanding cigarette value on the market today? It'll pay you well to give Avalons a trial. Why not get a pack tonight? You'd never guess they cost you less. Or because in Vaudeville, he played all the dives in Tanktown. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I feel great tonight. Say, Del, speaking of swimming, you should have been down at the beach this afternoon. Oh, there's a lot of excitement. Excitement? Well, what happened? A lifeguard got into water over his head. Boy, what lifeguards they have down at the beach? If you're drowning, they throw you a rope. Both ends. There's a big crowd down at the beach today. In fact, it's the biggest crowd I've seen since my relatives went home. Don't get me, with so many people in the water, I dove in three times and didn't get wet once. Oh, but you should see those new bathing suits the girls are wearing this year. Miss Stillwell walked out one of those new bathing suits and got a letter of protest from Minsky. Jeanette was there. She swore she had on a bathing suit and had Einstein along to prove it. Oh, you'd have to see the bathing suit to believe me. And believe me, you should see it. The bathing suit I wore was a sarong. You know what a sarong is? That's a pair of three-cornered pants that's going Hollywood. I saw some girls coming, and I struck an athletic pants out. It was a good gag, too. I surprised how puny I was until a shark swam up and took one look at me and said, I ain't that hungry and swam away. No kid and shark fell so sorry for me. Five minutes later, he came back with tears in his eyes and handed me a sardine sandwich. Oh, you meet a lot of nice people down on the beach. I met a married lady who was so fat she took a dive into the water in three, four, and five, plus she was a battleship and took pictures of her. Oh, didn't get that one out. But when she came out of the water, we sat out on a sand pile together, and I said, would your husband get sore if he caught it? She says, I don't think so. This is him we're sitting on. The only thing I don't like about... The only thing I don't like about the beach, you know, you have to be very careful of sunburns. I went to sleep, and when I woke up, I was so sunburned, they gave me an offer to work as master of ceremonies at a barbecue stand. Again, I was so well-cooked, a mosquito came over and stuck his beak in me, and I went... Well... I think I've been out here taking nosedives long enough, so I'll wait out and let Red Foley dive in with On the Sunny Side of the Rockies. Come on in, fellow, the water's fine. On the side of heaven, Bob Strong and the orchestra play the old groaners' hit tune, hang your heart on a hickory limb. Close to coast, people are learning to know and to love Red Scouts. They are? Gee, maybe that's why hundreds of people are asking for my autograph. They don't want your autograph. They want to see if you can write. Did you say they'll? I didn't say anything. That was Roger, the new fiddle player in the band. Oh, it was. Say, Roger, you can't be on this program. No, why not? Well, from now on, nobody can be on this show unless they can pass an intelligence test. Oh, gee, Skeleton, just when we were getting used to you two. Now, listen, you got to get off the show. Yeah, I'm as smart as the next guy, Skeleton. Well, the next guy must be an awful dope. Are you red? Oh, what do you want? My sister thinks you're the greatest comic on the air. Uh, she does? Say, I'd like to meet her. I think we can arrange it. Yeah? Tuesday is visiting day. Yeah. Not about him. By the way, listen, have you seen the new radio sets? The ones you know where you get the station by pushing buttons? Yeah, I saw one down at the White House when I was there at the president's ball this spring. Well, how'd you like them? Oh, swell you. I pressed one button, got Jack Benny. Yeah? I pressed another button, got Walter Winschel. Yeah? I pressed the third button. And what happened? Open a new bridge at Louisville, Kentucky. Hi, Bob Strong, a happy cadenza to you. Say, I'm throwing a party for the cast tonight. Could you loan me $3? I'm sorry, I'm a little deaf in that air. Go around the other one. I say, could you lend me $10? What? Could you lend me $10? You better go back to the $3 air. No fooling, Bob. Will you let me have $10? I'm sorry, I can't do it. And excuse me, I've got to talk to my boys. Oh, he can't do it. Why, that guy's got the first dollar he ever made. Why, do you mean that Bob is tight? Tight? He lives on soup and mashed potatoes to keep him wearing out the filling in his teeth. Why, I always thought Bob was generous. Oh, you did, huh? Yeah. Well, did you know that last week he moved next door to a church? Next to a church? Yeah. Well, how come? Well, you know, month of June, a lot of weddings, and that guy's nuts about rice pudding. Oh, no kidding, Rad. Come clean. Are you really broke? Broke? See, I can't even remember the color of money. Hello, Dale. Hi, Edna. Hello, Ed. Hi, Edna. What's going on out here? Well, uh, Rad's broke. Hey, Dale. Oh, gee. Why do you have to go tell her I was broke? Dale, has he been telling you he was broke? That's right. Well, how could anything get out of his wallet? He keeps a police dog in there. I do not. Oh, my wallet. Look, see if there's a police dog in there. For that, Miss Stillwell, you don't get that raise, I promise you. What are you laughing at? What did you say? I said you don't get the raise, I promise you. Well, there goes nothing. Oh, Edna, that's no way to talk to me. The guy that loves you. Love me? Yes. Edna, your eyes are like violets, and your lips are like rose petals. Boy, what a flowery line you've got. Ah, you have to go get me out of the mood now. Say, Edna, I'm giving a little party tonight after the show. You're invited. Uh-oh, hold everything. Here comes one key straw. Hello, Edna, darling. Hello, Bob, precious. What goes on here? Edna, I'm mad about you. Will you call me Bobby? Will you call me Toodle? Will you call me when this is over? You never believe it. We get paid for this. Is that a telephone? Well, it's too early for jingle bells. Hello? Yes? Oh, you'd like to have the artist to play my old Kentucky home? Well, hold the phone. Hey, Bob, play whole tight. Okay, here we go, boys. One, two. Pass for me old Kentucky home. That was a telephone operator. I just wanted to give her the wrong number and see how she likes it. Hiya. Will. Hello, Edna. Well, if it ain't gone with the wind bowling. Yeah, that's me. Big Tommy. I'm into money now. You got dough? You're just a sucker. Just the guy I want to see. Hey, wait. You want to see me? That's right. Could I borrow $20 from you, Red? Oh, it's a pleasure. Well, if it's a pleasure, make it $40. Okay, here. Here's $5. And $10. That's $15, $20. And $20 is $40. Here's $2. Yeah. Hey, I asked for $40. I know you did. I asked for $40. You'd take $20. And I knew you'd be tickled with $10. So I gave you $2. Well, I got to go now. So long, boys. So long, pumpkin. So long, Redsy Boy. Redsy Boy. Redsy Boy. What could be worse? Punk. I love punk. Punk. Oh, listen. I've had a bot enough of this. I'm going to look in my little best pocket dictionary and see what punk means. That's what I think it is. I'll beat you to a pulp. Punk. P-U. P-U. That's it. But now look, folks. I got to run down to the bank and borrow some money. Must you go? Yes, because right after Jeanette's things, don't worry about me. I want all of you to meet me for a bite of supper. Hooray! Now, don't get excited. Now, of course, I have a little trouble with my banker getting money out of him. So if I'm a little late, don't worry about me. Sing it, Jeanette. They're positively highest quality through and through, made with the finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos. And still, they cost three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. Never has a price so low bought this unexcelled Avalon quality. And you'd never guess that they cost you less. And now here's a special word to the ladies. You like Avalon's smoother, milder taste and flavor, and the way they're tightly packed so that the tobacco doesn't fall out into your purse. You like Avalon's smart, modern package, too. And remember, Avalons save you money to buy those extra things for yourself and your home. So friends, Avalon's, the cigarette that gives you so much and costs so little, deserves a trial by every smoker, both men and women. So why not pick up a pack tonight? Now as we join Red Skelton and the gang, they're walking down the street trying to find a restaurant. Did you go to the bank, Red? Yeah, I went. What happened? Well, I wanted to borrow $500. My banker wanted to loan me $2. So? I insisted on $500. He insisted on two. I said, $500? He said, $2. Well, how did he end up? I took the $2. I was no mood to dicker. Here's a nice-looking place, Red. Yeah, it's not bad. What's that sign say? The elbow. Ah, just a joint. They even print their motto on the window. Yeah, what does it say? It says, if our states are too tough for you, stay out. This is no place for weaklings. Now, come on. Let's go in. Take a stab at it. Oh, here's the table big enough for us over here, Red. Yeah, come on. Everybody sit down now. Make a show for home. Where's the waiter? Hey, are you a waiter standing over there? Well, I ain't a penny-gum machine. Hey, Lee, what are you doing in this restaurant? What am I doing here? Why, I own the darn thing. Yes, sir, I do. Down to the very last little old bean. Say, Hercie, I'm throwing a party for the gang, but we gotta have a lot of service now. Well, there's just me and my waitress, Daisy, but I can work twice as fast as any other waiter. You can? How come, Hercie? Well, you see, I belong to two unions. Well, look, bring us the menus, will you? An order of rice pudding, please. Well, here's the menus, the orders, please. Miss Dillback. I'll have some hash. The lady wants to take a chance. Well, what do you have, Mr. Skelton? Well, let's see. I'm hungry enough to eat a house. A quarter house. That's what I'll have. Make it a steak. Say, what kind of cake is that? Oh, that's stolen. Huh? Stolen. I don't care how you got it. What is it? That's coffee cake. Oh. And now you, Mr. Foley. Well, I'll have a dozen clams, some dill pickles, five soft boiled eggs, and six steaks, some balsam cream pie, or a large cucumber, three scoops of ice cream, and a quart of coffee. What? No order? No order. Well, okay. Would you mind signing this order, please? Sign it, what for? Well, do you think I want the corner to slap me in the can? Look, with my steak, I'll have a baked potato, herki. A potato, all right. Mrs. Murphy and the seal skin. Berry pie with lots of powdered sugar. A hunk of indigestion and a snow stalk. Put, please. And I don't know. They should have cooked this steak in soap. I need something to rinse it down. Wash it down, rather. Say, herki, come here. I ordered a steak well done. I even messed up my ad-lib. The steak well done. This thing's too rare. Why, that's entirely too silly. Mr. Kelton, that steak is cooked. Cook? I've seen Charles Hurt worse than this and get well. It's on Del King's best. Well, then pass Del. Yeah. Please, bring me some rice pudding. Somebody had served that guy over there. Hello, everyone. Hey, Bob Strong, you're a little late. Yeah, I made a mistake. I went into one of those restaurants while they named dishes after people. You think they'll ever name something after me? Oh, they may. But who wants to eat dog food? Daisy, take the gentleman's heart. Yes, sir. Uh-oh. Hey, Edna, look at your boyfriend eyeing the waitress. Your order, sir. Mmm. Say, girl, it's a nice day, isn't it? Yes, it is. And so was yesterday. And my name's Daisy. And I know I'm a pretty girl. And I have blue eyes. And I've been here quite a while and I like the place. And I don't think I'm too nice a girl to be working here. My wage is a satisfaction. I don't think there's a show or a dance in town tonight. If there was, I wouldn't go with you. I'm from a country and I'm a respectable girl. My brother's a cook in the kitchen and played football in college and weighed 300 pounds. Last week, he nearly broke the neck of a fresh guy that tried to date me. Now, what do you have? Chicken, steak, or fried liver? I'll have two fried eggs. Listen, please. Just one little order of rice pudding. That guy? Oh, I give up. This steak's too tough for me. You mean that piece of perfect beef is too tough? That's right. My $2 steak is tough? Yes. That's a piece of blue ribbon meat. Unless the one with the blue ribbon is the highlight. Say, they got here awfully fast. I know we have to make things fast. There's only a half hour program. We get more fun out of this than the audience. Hey, girlie, this egg's terrible. Well, don't blame me. I only laid the table. Please bring me some rice pudding. Oh, I'm awfully sorry, old pal. I didn't hear you. The guy wants an order of rice pudding. Order of rice pudding? Did you say something important to me, Mr. Scouton? Look, for the last time, I told you to bring that guy some rice pudding and get it over with. Say, now, here, you look here. Are you trying to tell my customers what to eat? Avalon for us joins our own Red Foley and one of the most beautiful tunes of recent years. Little Skipper for Avalons. And don't forget your change. Yes, your friends call several cents less than others. You two can save the difference like all of us Avalon brothers. Each pack is wrapped itself. No wonder folks... Avalons cost only 10 cents plus city or state tax. Well, that just about winds up everything for tonight. Yes, Red, it's one for the book. You mean one from the books. Now, listen, Rogers, don't you come back here next week. You go someplace else. Remember, this program's my breath. Yeah, and all your jokes is crummy. Oh, what's the use? Good night, ladies and gentlemen. This is Red Scouton thanking you for the use of your loud speaker. Good night. Be with us next Saturday night at the same time when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. F, New York, 9 p.m. B-U-L-O-V-A full of a watch time.