 I wanted to take a little bit of a break from the YouTube drama and commentary and it is mental health awareness month and I wanted to talk about some personal things that I've been going through. What is up everybody? This is Chris from the Rewired Soul where we talk about the problem but focus on the solution. If you're new to my channel, typically what I do is I try to take topics from the YouTube community or pop culture and I do a little commentary on it to see what kind of lessons we can learn. But something I'm very passionate about is mental health. So if you're into any of that stuff, make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell. And yeah, so this is going to be a little bit of a story time, some stuff that's been going on behind the scenes with my mental health. And the goal, the goal of this video is to see, you know, if you're watching this, maybe you'll feel less alone. Maybe some of the solutions that I have found might be able to help you. But I was having like a really rough week and just some aha moments came up and hopefully it can help somebody who's watching this video. So yeah, this last week has been really, really weird. Even, yeah, I say probably a little bit over a week, I've noticed this kind of this feeling of apathy, right? Just no feeling at all, this kind of numbness. And for me, sometimes when depression hits, it is that numbness where I don't feel anything. I don't, it's not like, oh, I don't get excited or I don't get motivated or I don't, you know, whatever it is. It's not just that, but it's also like, it wasn't like any sadness or any like terrible feelings or anything like that. It was just kind of numb. So last weekend, I think a week ago today, I actually got to go see one of my favorite bands for like the umpteenth time, taking back Sunday. And I remember just being at that show and not like feeling, you know what I mean? Like just like, you know, I'm at a concert and I don't go to concerts as much anymore because I'm, you know, I'm getting a little old, right? And yeah, just like the feeling wasn't there. I'm like, what the hell is wrong with me? And the reason this kind of freaked me out is because I am a very like passionate person, right? Like when I create videos, like it's because I see something, my wheels start going, I'm like, this is something that should be talked about. And I want to talk about it. Like this channel is a place for me to like toss out ideas, suggestions and all sorts of things. And like, I was just kind of going through the motions. I wasn't getting like super excited to make anything, but nothing was really excited me all that much. And just being fully transparent in this video, I saw it with my relationships in my life as well. Like, I just wasn't feeling anything, right? Like, you know, I have a son, I have a beautiful girlfriend, Tristan, I have, you know, friends and everything like that in my life. And I didn't, I was a feeling like these connections and I'm like, what is happening? So I've been on an anti-depressant slash anti-anxiety medication called Lexapro. It's a non-narcotic. I've been on that for the most part since I got sober about seven years ago. And I've been off it a couple of times. I've been back on it for probably rough estimate, like six months to a year now. I do know one of the side effects of that medication can be that kind of like feeling of numbness or no feeling or emotion at all. And so what I did was I talked with my doctor, which you should always do, always do. If you plan on doing anything wonky with your medications, but I was like, yo, this is what I'm worried about. I've done this in the past. Like, her, she knows me. Like, I'll cut it in half, right? So it's like, I think a 10 milligram and I'll just split it in half to like a five. And I was like, okay, maybe this will help me get some more feeling. Now I primarily take it for anxiety rather than depression. I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder and it was messed up because I take my meds in the morning. And like halfway through the day, I started feeling really anxious. So like, I would take the other half of it. And then I just got stumped. I'm like, okay, so I, I, I, I drop, I decreased the medication because I'm not feeling anything. And then the feeling I get is like this extreme anxiety. I'm like, what the hell is going on, right? So I set up an appointment with my therapist. I'm like, I need to figure out what the hell is happening to me, you know, because I'm starting to think, I'm like, do I need a different medication? Do I need to change this? Like what's happening in my life? You know, I'm like checking out all these like books that I have on, you know, mental health and everything. And I'm going through like my little toolbox and toolkit and just trying to figure out what this is. And by the way, for those of you who aren't aware, like when I say toolbox toolkit is metaphorical, like just all the different coping strategies that we use for our mental health. And so I set up an appointment with my therapist and I start, I start talking to her and I explain everything that I just explained to you just about this, this, this feeling of apathy, no, no feeling, no numbness, like just nothing like it's numbness and telling her about how I've been messing with my medications. And like, we started talking, by the way, like this whole thing is why you need a damn therapist. All right, like it is so important to get this outside point of view and I talked to like my support group and things like that. But like this, like talking with her really, it helped click. And by the way, I use better help online therapy. I'm an affiliate of them too. But yeah, like, I've had the most amazing therapists and better help. Let me get back to the story. So I'm talking to her and she asked me, she's like, Chris, how long have you been sober again? And I'm like, well, next month in June, it's going to be seven years. And she's just talking to me just about like, you know, the research and the studies and her own experience. And she's like, well, you know, in my experience, a lot of people around seven years, like their brain starts to change. And seven years can be a rough time for sobriety. And like I got this flashback because I remember when I first got sober. I remember seeing a lot of people struggling around seven years and I was like, this is really, really weird. And when she brought that up, I kind of remembered that. What is there? Some kind of like internal addict, like recovery timer, just like ready to go off at seven years. But like, for a lot of us, we're using these like mind altering substances and your brain doesn't just instantly heal, right? So I'm sitting there, I'm looking at it and we start talking. And she recommends next time I talk to my doctor, ask about mood stabilizers, you know, and I'm like, God, because even though I'm very pro medication. I'm pro non-narcotic medications, if possible. Like if you are on a medication like, you know, Xanax or something like that, you do you just be careful. Just I'm a recovered pill addict. You know what I mean? So we started talking about this and I'm like, man, I just, I really don't like taking medications. Like that's one of the reasons I've tried to get off Lexapro a few times. I don't, like aside from like the side effects, right? Like I just don't like being reliant upon a medication. So we're talking through that and she knows like that I'm a workaholic and everything like that. And she's like, how's like your work, man? Are you still like working a ton? And like, I don't know how many of you follow me on Twitter. By the way, if you're not following me on Twitter, go follow me after we watched Soul. But the other day, like I had, I was feeling this numbness during the day and I felt this need to create because I've been pumping out like three videos a day. I felt this need to create, but I didn't want to create. And I sent out a tweet because I just told myself, I'm like, you don't want to make a video, Chris. Like don't make a video. And for some reason it felt like a million pounds let off my shoulders. I'm like, well, like it was very free. And then I was like in a good mood for the rest of the night. But I told her about that. But during my days, it's been these like ups and downs, right? Where I'm like feeling in a normal, like the current state I'm in, I'm feeling like just all right. You know, not amazing, not terrible, but definitely not numb. I'm telling her about these ups and downs. It's one of the reasons she mentioned the mood stabilizer. But then she's like, well, Chris, like, how much time do you just like relax? And I'm like, well, I do relax. Like Tristan and I will sit down and we'll watch, you know, some Netflix or whatever. She just got me into the show six feet under. I don't know how many of you watched that. We're on episode like four or five of season one, but great show. But like we sit down and we chill, you know, but most of my day, if I'm being honest, like, because she goes to school for full time, I'm working, right? I'm creating content. I'm, you know, we're applying to emails and corresponding with people since my mental health break that I took a month or two ago. I've been getting back into just trying to find more leisure time, but it's not really fully leisure time because basically what I'll do is I'll zone out playing some video games. I've been playing like Fortnite or Overwatch and I turn in, I turn on an audio book and I was explaining to her like just the way my mind kind of works. I don't want to waste any time. I want to take every single moment and make it valuable. So even if I'm playing video games, I just want to like be consuming something to educate myself and gain knowledge, which I can turn into wisdom and all these other things. And she's like, Chris, like, do you think it's possible that you, you're getting uncomfortable when you're comfortable and it's not chaotic and it's not go, go, go. She's like, Chris, because you're like a really go, go, go person. I'm like, oh my God. I'm like that, that might be it. Like that, like I have a hard time just chilling. And after my therapy appointment, like I talked with my girlfriend about and she's like, yeah, Chris, like, she's like, I've noticed. She's like, it doesn't seem like you're numb. She's like, it seems like you're like restless. Like you're just trying to find things to do. And I'm like, oh my God, like I remember when I first got sober. My anxiety started to go away because when you get sober and you start to clean up the chaos of your life, like things start to chill out. And I was really uncomfortable with being comfortable. My brain was used to the chaos. So one of the other topics that came up with my therapist was like, those of you who are new here, some stuff went down a couple months ago. But but yeah, like a couple months ago, all that stuff went down and it was complete chaos. It was complete chaos. Just it was one of the roughest things I've ever been through, right. And and that was kind of chilling out. Like there's still stuff that's out there. And you know, I think people are still making videos about me and everything like that. But for the most part, like things are chilling out. Like it's I keep that out. I have a very strong support group. I have friends. I'm getting back into the groove of making content and everything. And one thing that's just just kind of like realization to me is I got caught up in that chaos and then jumping back into work. And my brain hasn't like found that balance yet. And man, after just these kind of epiphanies like these aha moments over and over and over again. This was a few days ago when I talked with my therapist and everything and I've been feeling great. I've just been feeling amazing like my son and I we just got back from seeing the detective Pikachu. Like I said, my girlfriend and I we started watching six feet under I've been doing stuff and like I I'm feeling again and it's almost like giving myself permission to just chill and relax and take a break has just worked wonders for my mental health. Like ever since just having these conversations like this is why talk therapy is beneficial like working through things and having a conversation. But sometimes it's difficult to solve a problem with the same mind that's creating the problem. You see what I mean. So just talking it out has been so beneficial. There is one thing to that I have changed. I've noticed that my social connections have not been as strong as they have as they usually are. For example, like I said, when I play video games, I typically just turn on an audio book and listen and because I want to like be educating myself and learning and getting knowledge. And I got like some books like new books on like philosophy and this one this one new book on like the state of the nation with therapy and mental illness. And I'm just like, I'm always just trying to consume this stuff. I've been just cranking out books. I've been going through like six or seven books a month the past few months. Right. And what I'm getting at is like, I haven't been playing video games with my friends. Like I've grown up a gamer with friends who are gamers to and they've been sending me invites and stuff. I'm like, Hey, I'm busy. I can't I can't play like with you. I'm just doing stuff. And I'm like, I'm zoning out just doing Fortnite challenges or zoning out and in an overwatch. Like I even turn I even put my my Blizzard account to invisible so people couldn't see that I was online because I would rather just sit listening to audio books than interacting with my friends. So this is part of like that toolbox that I mentioned where I was like, wait, my social connections haven't been there. So the last few days I've been really taking a break from reading as much or listening to audio books as much and and like reaching out to my friends and say, Yo, I'm back like let's play let's game. And I think that is part of it too. And I've been really trying to be more present with my son with my girlfriend Tristan like in conversations. And really getting those, you know, those connections because I'm telling you right now, like all the medications in the world are not going to solve your depression or that numbness that I was feeling if you don't build social connections. Like I'm just telling you like we're not built as human beings for that like we need to have social connections. But yeah, anyways, like I'm feeling great and it's mental health awareness month so I would be remiss if I didn't share with you what's actually going on in my life during this time. And like I said, if you stuck around this long, I really hope if you could relate to this story like just know there is hope. These things are going to go up and down like something that my therapist reminded me of too and something I preach to all of you is mindfulness and quit judging your experience. Like if I'm not feeling anything if I if that passion isn't in me to just, right, like to go make a video or to do something right like that's cool. Just let it be and just relax and chill right. Lastly, I promise it's actually really funny because as soon as I have these epiphanies, I got like really passionate and just back into creating like once I gave myself permission to chill. Then I'm like, Yay, and I got all creative and just wanted to get all these ideas out of mid content everything. Right. But anyways, talk to your support group. Don't isolate. Build your social connections and please for the love of God. If you have the resources, get yourself a damn therapist. All right, like I said, I use better help online therapy. It is great for me. But listen, I really do not give a damn where you get help where you get therapy from just get help. All right. So if you can talk to your doctor, see if they can recommend a therapist, talk to friends and family members, see if they can recommend a therapist. If you have insurance, call your insurance company, see what therapists are in their network. Therapists typically specialize in certain forms of mental illness as well. They're struggling from anxiety, depression, PTSD, borderline personality disorder. You can find a therapist who can help you out with that. All right. But anyways, that's all I got for this video. If you like this video, please give it a thumbs up. If you're new, make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell. I'm always making videos and a huge, huge thank you to everybody supporting the channel over on Patreon. You are all amazing and if you would like to help support what I'm doing here, get access to some personal benefits like these beautiful credits right here and click or tap right there. All right. Thanks again so so much for watching. I'll see you next time.