 Ladies and gentlemen, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, presents the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. The College of Ivy and the Town of Ivy, USA. Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, like any other college president or almost any kind of executive, has to make certain concessions to his superior officers. For instance, he must, on occasion, have lunch with some of the members of the board of governors when he would far prefer to spend that hour and a half playing a game of chess with his wife, Victoria, who was, until her marriage, the toast of the English musical comedy stage. With chess at the Halls, it doesn't matter much who wins, but a college president must not permit himself to be checkmated too many times by his board of governors, even at a luncheon at the faculty club like this one. How's your lunch, Doctor? Very much, Mr. Merriweather. Very much. I've also enjoyed the opportunity to discuss these matters with the board members present and to have the, oh, pardon me, Mr. Wellman, but that is my milk you're drinking. What is? Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor, thoughtless of me. I thought I had ordered milk myself. You did, Clarence, and drank that, too. You also ate my strawberries. If you lunch with us often, Doctor Hall, you'll learn to keep an eye on Clarence. The man's a gastronomic kleptomaniac. Order something he likes and he swoops down on it like a vulture. Don't be silly, Merriweather. I'm, well, I'm simply a triflex and minded so much on my mind. If there's anything disturbing you that we haven't talked about, Mr. Wellman, you know anything I can help with. By all means, let's have it. Ah, that's the spirit. Doctor, relieve his mind and protect your lunch. Well, Clarence, what's your trouble? We track team this year, or did you get snubbed by some house mother? Don't be so flippant, Merriweather, merely because I happen to take the affairs of this college rather seriously. Well, we all take them seriously, son, but let's take the long view. In a hundred years, after the dust of the last atom bomb is cleared away, nothing we say here today will seem quite worth that long face of yours. My long face, as you call it, is the result of shouldering my responsibilities and keeping my nose to the grindstone. That's no grindstone, Clarence. It's my coffee. For Pete's sake, how many things do you drink? Let me order you some coffee of your own, Mr. Wellman. Oh, he'd hate it, Doctor. He never touches the stuff. It happened to be right in front of me. You'd have found it in a foxhole. Now go on, Clarence. Finish Dr. Hall's ice cream and tell us your trouble. Dr. Hall's ice cream? I'm sorry, Doctor. I didn't realize. No, no, no. You're quite welcome to it, Mr. Wellman. Now, was there something you wanted me to do? Yes, Doctor Hall. It will be necessary for you to address the student body in chapel tomorrow. Oh. The Reverend Dr. Guilvie is ill, you know. Oh, I hadn't heard. Nothing serious, I hope. Oh, I don't think so, Doctor. Just picked up a bug somewhere. By the mile they'll discover a new miracle drug to cure him. My next week they'll find the new miracle drug makes his ears fall off, you can't believe it. Well, I'm sincerely sorry to hear about Dr. Guilvie's illness. And of course I'll address chapel tomorrow. Although I, really, I haven't had much experience in clerical oratory. And now a few gentlemen will excuse me. Oh, sure, Doctor. I think we're all through. This is my lunch, you know. Oh, thank you. Why don't you let me take the check for change, Marietta? All right. Waiter. Check, please. Doctor Hall is at a luncheon, Miss Lee. But I'm sure he'll be home very soon if you'd like to wait. I'm afraid I'd better not, Mrs. Hall. Thank you. My train leaves in an hour. But Dr. Hall has always been so nice to me. He's such a fine man. I thought I owed it to him to explain why I'm leaving Ivy. Leaving Ivy, Miss Lee? But I thought, aren't you the Margaret Lee who was up for president of the student council? Was, Mrs. Hall. The field is now open for a new candidate. One with lower marks, possibly, but a higher social standing. Perhaps one whose family is less than 4,000 years old. Oh, Mrs. Hall. My father was so proud of me. And now... No, no, please, dear. I sit down there. Why, why don't you cry a little? It helps sometimes, you know. There's a sort of window washing operation. You see things a little more clearly through the pains. I tried myself dry, Mrs. Hall. Some of it was self-pity, I guess, and some of it was... Well, I suppose I just overrated the decency of the student body. I think it far more likely, my dear, that a few members of it have underrated you. You mustn't condemn an institution because some of its windows rattle. Dr. Hall is going to be very disturbed about this. Do you know how vicious student politics can be, Mrs. Hall? No, I'm afraid I don't, my dear. But if there are anything like backstage politics, which I happen to have known intimately, they can give you a pretty rough time. I've been up against a great deal of snobbery and discrimination myself in England as an English woman among English people. Yes, and here, too. In fact, four or five weeks ago, I wasn't sure that I was welcome at Ivy. Even Dr. Hall was none too certain. But your case cuts a little deeper, I realize that. You'll never know how deep, Mrs. Hall, I hope. I flattered myself that I've been accepted, that my scholarship record and my fitness for the presidency would make up for my being an alien. But, well, the organized ostracism... Oh, I'm sure Margaret did a handful of... Don't try, Mrs. Hall. My people have always won by retreating. Maybe I'm making history. I'm retreating without winning. I guess I just didn't realize how well the Exclusion Act was enforced. I'm afraid I'm not too well equipped to cope with this, Margaret. But I'm sure you know how I feel about it. I do, Mrs. Hall, and I'm grateful. And please tell Dr. Hall how I... how I appreciate everything he's... Everything he's... Mr. Sailor, home from the sea, have you, my pupsie, a welcome for me. Take it, matey. Have a nice luncheon. Yes, my dear, quite pleasant. Mr. Wellman paid the check. Nice of him? Nice of him. My dear girl, you can't dismiss an announcement of this importance with any such off-and-remark. Mr. Wellman paying a luncheon check is as world-shaking as the discovery of the wheel. You mean Mr. Wellman is tight, Toddy? Tight is rather a brutal way to express it, Victoria, but I find it charmingly accurate. Mr. Wellman is extremely imminent in the sense of being close. I... I have heard that he launderers his pipe cleaners. Oh, I suppose he got so tremendously rich throwing his money about. Vicki, darling, Mr. Wellman throwing his money about is a spectacle which Mr. Cecil J. DeMille... Cecil B. DeMille, beef a bathtub. Oh, yes, thank you. Thank you very much. Mr. Wellman throwing his money about is a spectacle which Mr. Cecil B. DeMille wouldn't even attempt. When I recall how generous, yes, even spontaneously generous, Mr. Wellman has been with his millions for this school and how frugal he can be with Vicki. Hmm? What's wrong? Wrong? What do you mean? Oh, I mean, my dear, that no one can love someone as much as I love you and not be instantly aware of a shadow on that someone's face. Tell me, please. Oh, Tati, I wish this hadn't come up. You have so many things to cope with. What's the matter? Did something happen while I was out at lunch? Well, not to me, dear. In fact, it has nothing to do with me personally, except that... Well, it's disturbing to see any youngster with a broken heart. Do you know a student called Margaret Lee? No, I don't think so. Wait a moment, Lee. Yes, a very neat and rather frail girl, quite intelligent looking. Well, of course I know her. Of her, rather. A fine student. Not any more, William. She's gone home. I did my best to persuade her to stay and talk to you, but I doubt if even you... Oh, it was really very sad. Now, my dear, don't distress yourself. This is my problem now. Sit down and tell me about it. Tell me the whole story. Well, as you know, Margaret Lee came to this country for education. She chose Ivy. This is a wicked thing, Vicki. The antithesis of everything we have tried to instill in the men and women here at Ivy. I'm sorry that I wasn't here in time to talk to the girl. I'm afraid I handled it rather badly, William. But she was so depressed and discouraged that... Well, I don't know too much about this part of the job. Are campus politics always as bad as this? Of course not, but I must say that I sometimes stand aghast at the utter ruthlessness of these young people. Young, of course, is the key word in that admission. They're all children, callously pulling the wings of butterflies. As far as I'm concerned, one of the chief purposes of education, the chief purpose, if you like, is to impart an understanding of the butterfly's viewpoint. Whenever I hear of a student being made the victim of prejudice, I feel that I've failed in some... Yes, Penny? Big pardon, sir, but there was a message from the Reverend Gilby. Seems like he was took sick, sir, and wanted to know if you could... Yes, I know. I received the message at lunch, Penny. Thank you. I've got a Bible, sir, if you'd care to borrow... I have a Bible, Penny. Thank you. Quite welcome, sir. Any time at all? Well... Turning out to be quite a day. What was that all about? Well, Dr. Gilby, the chaplain, is ill. I am pinch-hitting for him, if that isn't too irreverent a word, in chapel tomorrow morning. Vicky, I don't want you to come. I feel I should be very inadequate. Oh, nonsense, Tori. You do a lovely performance. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you were held over for a second week. Um, held over, Victoria, is not very good at lesiastical terminology. Yeah, I know. I love Dr. Gilby, and he has everybody with him from the TDM to the recessional, but you'll be wonderful, too. Did you ever hear Charles Lawton give a Bible reading? No, and I must say it sounds quite unexpected. Unexpected, but intensely interesting. Funny, too. In fact, it inspired me to do a great deal more Bible reading. Well, I'm afraid I haven't missed a Lawton's elocution or a gift. But if Captain Bly can do it without the congregation resorting to... uh, mutiny, maybe Dr. Christian Hall can rely on the student's bounty of generosity. I say that was rather good, wasn't it? Oh, yes. It was splendid. Just go on like that and you'll vow them. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Before we return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman, let's listen to the story of a man who not only kept up with the Joneses, but found himself considerably ahead of them simply by doing the most natural thing in the world. Last night I told Ethel, uh, that's my wife, Ethel, you shouldn't be so self-conscious. The Joneses will just have to take us for what we are. Well, as you know women, and Ethel, well, when we've got company coming, especially the Joneses, there's just no living with her. She's so afraid of what they might think. Gets in a regular stew about how she looks, how the house looks, what kind of jokes I'm having to tell. You know, you probably have a wife of your own. And like your wife, Ethel usually gets herself all worked up for nothing. That's how it was last night when the Joneses came over. The minute they walked in, I could see Ethel was nervous as a cat. So just to break the ice, I went into the kitchen and got out the Schlitz beer. When I brought it in, Jones started to look interested right away. Said he had heard a lot about Schlitz, but never tasted it. Which was kind of a surprise because Jones is one of those fellows who's so particular about everything. Always insists on the best, or so he says. Anyway, Jones raised his glass of Schlitz and we both drank. First thing you know, Jones put his glass down and with a satisfied look on his face, slapped his knee, turned to Ethel and said, Ethel, I don't know who deserves the credit. You or that husband of yours. But by George, this is the best glass of beer I've tasted in years. Well, that did it. That's all Ethel needed. Should have seen her face just like a kid's at Christmas. As for Jones, he never even noticed. He was still busy talking. And he took the words right out of my mouth when he said, No wonder they call Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. That's around the sea. When we return to Ivy, we find a perturbed Dr. Hall striding back and forth in the living room, as Mrs. Hall says. Tade, stop pacing. Break into a trot or a single foot or a gallop. Or better still sit down here with me. I'm a little restless, Victoria, that matter of the legal. You know, I went to the station to find her. I thought I might be able to persuade her to reconsider, but I was too late. Oh, sorry. I'm sure you could have done something you're very persuasive, you know. Then I wired her aboard the train, but not knowing what space she was occupying, I wasn't any too... The telephone. I know, I hear it, but where is it? I'm going to put that extension cord on a deep-sea fishing reel with a strong... Well, it's right near me somewhere. Oh, yeah, under the evening paper. Thank you. Dr. Hall's residence. Spook and Washington. Good. Heaven's, the legal must have taken her very fast. Yes, yes, put him on, please. Hello, Frederick? Yes, I am indeed. Now, are you ready? Rook to the King's Bishops III. Check. How do you like them apples, Frederick? Goodbye. Poor old Frederick. Lost both nights last September and can't get his queen out. Don't be a long-distance chess game. Run up some pretty fancy telephone bills. Oh, not for me, my love. You'll notice that I always receive the calls. I never initiate. Oh, I only play cross-country chess with those of my professional acquaintances who are equipped to finance them and at their invitation. Oh, I'm no Reshevsky, but playing 20 simultaneous games blindfolded, but I'm pretty good. I didn't know there were any college professors who could afford that sort of playing. Well, there are a few. I must admit, you know the ones who have written cloak and sword novels for Hollywood, under assumed names, of course, and the unmarried ones who prefer to spend their budgets playing chess by phone rather than go night clubbing. You give up a lot of things to marry me to, didn't you? I certainly did, my darling. Bad meals, dull evenings, risky encounters with emotional undergraduates, and a growing certainty that life was passing me by. Like poor old Frederick in Spokane, without a queen, I was playing a losing game. Well, Toddy, you're so dependable, particularly when it comes to giving a wife the right answers. I think one of the reasons I fell so deeply and so permanently in love with you, Vicki, was because you asked the kind of questions I was able to answer. Oh, one of the reasons I loved you, Toddy, was that if you didn't know the answers, you made them up. But didn't happen many times. You have a very gracious memory, my sweet. You asked a million questions I was unable to answer. Remember the evening by the sea at Brighton? With the full moon across the water and dance music from the hotel, battling the elements to be heard? It's been a lovely evening, William. I'll remember it for long, long. I'll remember it always. You won't have to make any effort toward it, Victorian. I'll be reminding you by mail, by cable, by... is there such a thing as a carrier, seagull? Well, if there isn't, I'll train a few. Has anyone ever had a pet seagull? I don't know, my dear. But if I were a seagull and you wanted me for a pet, I'm sure I... did you shiver? Are you cold? I've never been warmer. I was just shaking off the thought that we'd ever have to communicate with each other by mail or cable or seagull. Tell me, doesn't a sabbatical ever stretch? Only when one has wealthy relatives and a disregard for one's job, Nikki. And I have neither. My sabbatical stretches only into next week. It seems only a week since it started. For us, I mean. Oh, it started earlier for me. It started when I bought one ticket to give them tears. Because I didn't know where else to go for the evening. I think I knew you were there even then. No, no, you didn't. That was the night. The man who played the vicar had such a cold that you were reading all his lines. You were too busy. Who ever made you come back? I haven't the faintest idea. Not the faintest? Well, possibly it was because I just happened to think that you were the most delightful, the most charming, the most enchanting, the most... Go on. Go on. Oh, is that all? I wish you'd come backstage after the first time you saw the play, William, instead of the 27th. It's too bad. You can't reach around in time and snatch back a few lost weeks, isn't it? It was not completely lost, my dear. I saw you almost every night and dreamed of you every day. I was on my way to becoming the traditional absent-minded professor instead of the most timid one. Oh, Vicki, my dear, I am so, so... So... So very fond of you. And I'm very fond of you, William. In fact, I'm very fond of everything tonight. Life and the sea and the moon and the professor. Why is the moon always associated with lovers? Well, considering that I have been in love for such a short time, my dear, I'm rather ill-equipped to answer that question. But, unless I'm wrong, the moon was once part of this earth. And I suppose that lovers are really a little bit apart of each other. They're an orbit of their own. It's strange, isn't it? But the moon has been shared by millions of lovers and is still on an exclusive basis with all of them. It's our moon, isn't it, William? Yes. I filed our claim this morning with the Royal Astronomical Society in London. Good. I also claimed a proprietary interest in every seventh wave, every fifth seagull. It's ten o'clock. Listen to them, Victoria. Even the seagulls sound human tonight. Sir? I could swear that one of them spoke to me. Honey, darling, Penny is speaking to you. Penny, do seagulls have feathers? Oh, oh, Penny! I was thinking of something else. Um, what is it, Penny? Ten o'clock, sir. You said to let you know when it was ten o'clock on account of you wanted to get to bed early, on account of you was going to talk in chapel tomorrow. Oh, yes, yes. Penny, so he did. Thank you, Penny. Good night. Good night, sir. Good night, Mum. Tardy, you were a million miles away. Two hundred and thirty-eight thousand, eight hundred and fifty-seven, to be exact. Curious, isn't it, Vicki, that so much has been said about the man and the moon and so little about the moon in a man? Darling, what are you talking about? Oh, just a brief planetary excursion. Speaking of which, if I am to star in chapel tomorrow, I must get some sleep. Is your routine set? Victoria, you make me sound like a trained seal. Oh, sorry, darling. Do you know what you're going to say? Well, I know my text, but I guess the sermon will have to all sort of come out its own way. You're going to talk about Margaret Lee? Yes, yes, I am. I don't believe Dr. Gilbert would have done that. I don't think it's quite as much his problem as mine. But his chapel is a house of truth, and I'm going to tell the truth about Margaret Lee. Good for you. Now get some sleep so you look absolutely dreamy in the morning. And I'll be in the third-row centre right across the aisle from the critics. Oh, Tardy, I can hardly wait. Wait? For what, my dear? For the papers. I'm dying to read your notices. I thought that Dr. Gilbert is not seriously ill and should be with you again tomorrow. I welcome this opportunity to call to your attention a situation which has arisen here at Ivy, and since it concerns a matter of faith, there could be no better place to speak of it than in this chapel and no better time for it than on the eve of National Brotherhood Week proclaimed by our president throughout the nation. A young woman, a brilliant student with such a record of achievement and reputation for integrity that she was an outstanding candidate for the highest office within the gift of the undergraduate body. This young woman has left Ivy and returned to her home. Against unfair student politics, snobbery, and racial prejudice, she fought a good fight and thought she had lost. In her conception and practice of decent human behavior, she has shown, I believe, no lack. Therefore, she does not leave here the poorer. Rather, is it some of you who have found wanting? And by the same token, I too must have a sense of failure. Tolerance is a word I would rather not use. It seems to indicate a condescension. I prefer the word understanding. And intelligent understanding is as essential to our study of human relationship as it is to our comprehension of Latin or science. We must learn not only the meaning of democracy, but its application and practice. Or, in after years, our boast or the superior way of life will be a sham. And Ivy College will have failed in its primary function of preparation for life. I would like now to inform you that I have been in communication with this young lady, and she is returning to school. I hope I may rely on the student body to conduct the forthcoming election for president of the council on a basis of merit untinged by social bias. So that her faith in us will be restored. Ladies and gentlemen of Ivy, human race is not an exclusive club with a selective membership. We are all members from birth. True, it has both active and associate members, and it is up to each of us to provide our own classification, but I consider it one of the most important functions of education. So to instruct you and the humanities that when your membership in this human society has ended, the recording secretary may mark you paid in full. Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And here again are Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everyone. Good night. I am at the halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players were Barbara Jean Wong, Gloria Gordon, Herb Butterfield, and Willard Waterman. The night script was written by Don Quinn and Walter Brown Newman. Our music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Nat Wolf, and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and Carpenter speaking. Now stay tuned for we the people over most of these NBC stations.