 So you want to keep a man's attention. I'm gonna invite you to do this, but let's get real Why is it a woman's job to keep a man's attention? Why is all this dating advice centered around what women must do? Why doesn't this address what men must do? You see the problem with a lot of dating advice It's centered around a younger demographic and it's often talks about behavioral psychology You know a lot of Instinctual stuff related to men are the provider protector and women are the nurturers and they're the ones that are supposed to submit to men and such Like that. So there's a lot of confusing advice out there The problem with a lot of advice that's geared to a younger demographic It doesn't address the wounds that most of us begin to experience in midlife Do you know why they used to call it midlife crisis and a man would go out and get a red Corvette To relive his youth. You see midlife crisis is when a man's blue earth Let me reframe that any human beings blueprint of what they thought their life was gonna be like collides with their reality That's what I believe midlife crisis is and in this space What happens is is our childhood wounds and our adult traumas to begin to Surface at a much greater rate because when we're younger we're driven by testosterone We're driven by estrogen. We're driven by a chemical charge to basically procreate That's where a lot of evolutionary biology and psychology and all this stuff and a lot of Content out there in the dating realm is centered around this narrative and it doesn't take into consideration those of us Who've experienced who now are dealing with our childhood wounds and traumas and also this Reality check of our blueprint colliding with our reality. Okay, so why is this important to this conversation? You see a lot of times women get confused When a man is giving a lot of attention in the early stages of dating men are giving the attention and What happens is when that attention ceases women autumn start to recoil and begin to chase a man Now I want to use a quote that's you know, a lot of women come to me will say Jonathan I'm connecting with a man on so many different levels and I like a quote that Matthew Hussey says and That is attention doesn't equal intention. I love that quote attention doesn't equal intention and what we're gonna talk about in a few minutes is the intention you may want to consider going forward to Actually create a healthy happy union with another human being the intention and quite frankly when I'm even though the title says Keep some man's attention. I just want to be clear. This should be mutually This should be a mutual effort of both parties. Okay, a mutual effort of both parties so So I Want to dive into one thing before I get I'm gonna give you five areas To consider going forward and when I say these five areas considering them both for men and women and like Why do women chase? Well, here's what I think happens in many cases because a man might initially give intention or attention mostly driven from a by a lot by all Biological perspective biological perspective of spreading a seed connecting on a physical level That it might seem that he's genuinely interested in you and what happens is most guys today I always say they're winging it. They're winging it from a relationship perspective. They're winging it So what happens is because they have no real game plan or intention They've chased the sex. They got the sex Now they recoil and what oftentimes happens is women begin to chase This is one of the reasons why you might been attracted to this title And I think what happens is is when we have an unhealthy attachment to another human being We begin to chase in an unhealthy way and I want to invite a more conscious way of approaching this process So what's it going to take for the two of you to keep each other's attention? Well, I'm going to share five things, but I'm going to say there's 500 things I could be sharing Was it 500? Well easily 20 to 50 things, but we're going to keep it for today's conversation to five So and again, this is what you mutually should be doing for each other So I want to be clear the first thing is Instead of focusing on the guy I wrote these notes I want you to focus on the relationship you want. I want you to consider what is the relationship you want Well, why is this so important for keeping someone's attention? For both of you because if you're misaligned with one another it makes no sense to explore a relationship with one another For many of you, you're not even clear on the type of relationship you want if you follow my work You know, I'm very clear at a minimum Once I'm in a relationship with someone I want to spend three or four days and nights a week together Doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills Both in our personal our professional life Intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy with the game plan of either moving in together getting married that I'm very clear on my Intention now I'm sharing my personal one. Some of you might go god Jonathan three or four days a night a week. That's way too much Folks, I want you to think about this Do you want you if you're only good for one day a week or two days a week? Do you want it to be that way for 10 years? I want you to contemplate this as if it's Something that you're going to do long term and not in the short term Aside the kind of relationship you want Now I think it's important to recognize the four pillars to relationship readiness The four pillars to relationship readiness. I have it written down here. It's by the way, these are my scribbled notes I wrote before I mean I wrote this six months ago Relationship readiness starts with being your best self Being your best self if you're not familiar with the book The four agreements by uh don miguel ruiz by the way all the books I recommend are in the links below This is a great model to have for your life to be your best self which includes healing childhood wounds and traumas Healing those adult traumas you might have experienced like divorce divorce is a very traumatic experience for most people I've said it before I'll say it again It's an unraveling of the tapestry of a life you had with someone else and it's for you to be relationship ready It's important to be in your own sovereignty To keep someone's attention and this is mutually this isn't mutually exclusive to one person. This is for both of you Another facet of relationship readiness is to learn about who you are and what and to vet for alignment with another person Vet for alignment. What is vetting? It's a it's it's dating is a vetting process That's the purpose of dating But jonathan all the dating coaches just say I should sit back at my feminine energy and let the man lead And I shouldn't do anything. I shouldn't be inquisitive. I shouldn't be asking questions because that seems like an interrogation Folks i'm here to say You don't have time to mess around You don't have time to mess around Dating is a vetting process. And by the way, don't be afraid to be bold Don't be afraid to be bold I'm very upfront. I'm very upfront right from the very beginning Why because the person i'm aligned with is also a very upfront person They love that sort of directness and and clarity Directness and clarity clarity. Oh my god This allows us to live life. Many of you are living life with rose color glasses Or god forbid you have glasses with if they're all scratched up By the way, please forgive my excitement. I just get so passionate about this and I know this is my videos where I'm trying to be calmer Okay, another thing is to recognize that chemistry alone is not the recipe for a relationship success It's important and why while chemistry is so important Shared values a shared vision for your relationship as I talked about earlier Um blendable lifestyles and more importantly is this person emotionally grown up to be in a healthy happy relation We are swimming in a sea of emotional dysfunctionality And so you can have all the chemistry of the world But if they are emotionally constipated are they emotionally stunted? And and if they have terrible relationship skills and by the way, how do you vet their relationship skills folks? You have to find out about their past relationships. There is gold in that in in those darndar darndar hills There's gold in those darndar hills. It's um old cowboy saying or something like that um gold miners saying folks your past relationships give Inquiring about someone's past relationships gives you insight into how they operate in the world and you have to become a detective Whether you like it or not Now by the way, you can make all this fun too. I'm gonna say I know this sounds daunting But when you think about it the most important decision you're gonna ever make in your life most likely Centers around who are you going to mate with? And today's dating environment is a very casual mating environment. It's a very much a hookup environment It's very much self-serving And for those of us if you're like me, you don't want to waste your time okay Number two instead of the man proving himself understand a relationship is a two lane street You invest in test you make effort. Oh, that's another matthew hussey invest in test Make effort to see if he meets that investment. I'm a big I'm a big proponent of reciprocity I don't believe in lopsided dating practices. I'm a believer of mutual effort from both people I let me just tell you something. I did a post to a group of 15 000 men And asked them how would you feel if a woman on the second or third date said hey I'd like to plan a date and take you out and I asked 15 000 men in a facebook group Do you know well over 1500 men responded? She's one of a kind. She's a unicorn. She's special. Don't let her go. She's partnership material Now a couple men, you know griped with these you can read in their comments their control freaks They want to control the outcome By being in charge. I'm a big proponent of reciprocity. You don't have to be look if you want a traditional One-up one-down relationship. That's fine for you. I'm just inviting you to recognize that most men just like in this survey I did appreciate reciprocity Okay, number three By the way, okay, this one it says show your playful side your flirty person I got to tell you women today and this is true of men too. Okay. I'm not singing singling out women I got to tell you dating is so boring now again, you might be thinking well, jonathan you're advocating for uh, Interrogating people. No, I'm saying ask curious questions from a fun Playful way. It's how you do it You know, it's how you do it You could even say something like this. I don't know if you're like me Um, my my marriage, you know as good as it was, you know, we had some issues, but I'm so grateful For, you know, the experience of having, you know, the father to my children and I'm just offering a suggestion here ladies And you know, I'm curious to know and you can say it with a big smile How did your marriage work out? Just say it with a smile playful fun You know, what brings you to singlehood right now? What happened in your past? I'm curious you go like this. I'm curious. I want to get to know you By the way, I want you to think about this. What is dating? It's like this. I want to get to know all about you I want to hear your story You both should be doing it for each other When you ask questions it allows him to puff up his chest and share Now again, we have wounded people so you're gonna get a lot of vomiting. There's no doubt And many of you are wounded and you're gonna be vomiting your stuff, but that's okay We have to swim through this to to strengthen our muscles if you will But practice flirting this playfulness In the context of getting to know someone Now i'm going to tell you one thing that's incredibly attractive to human beings is a sense of independence But more importantly bump bump bump bump bump a sense of self-love What is self-love? And by the way, this is my book what the heck is self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-health and spiritual work There's a link below to get a copy of my book. What is self-love? self-worth self-confidence self-esteem self-reliance See when we operate from that confident place of loving ourselves now I know you've heard the saying you have to love yourself before you love another No, it's not about that. No, I would encourage you to be loving on yourself to be Listen The worst critic in everybody's life is the one in between their ears That's not a loving thing to do You know the most kindest thing to do is to love on yourself and when you can come from a place of loving yourself You have a capacity to give from that overflow. I don't think we ever fully achieve loving ourselves I think we come on to this planet. We give it our best shot and then we Pass away and we do it over and over and over and over again. I think we actually probably live a groundhog day What if possibly folks? I'm going to go off on a tangent here. What if possibly when you pass away You get reborn in exactly Exactly the same experience. What if that's actually what happens? Nobody knows So let's play with that. But you come back with a little bit more knowledge from the previous go-around What if that's the possibility? Excuse my slurping. Oh, by the way My copy mug says don't make me go all psycho roommate on you Show them self-love it isn't about giving them space but having your own life I need you to see a lot of people operate from I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself I need you to validate me so I can be good about that. I need you to text me so I'm not afraid Folks When to when an individual sovereign being needs another sovereign being who doesn't need their love To feel fulfilled That's what self-love is all about and you can experience it from a place of mutual joy Because life is better with company That's incredibly attractive and that keeps a person's attention whether you're a man or a woman Lastly a number five And this is so critically important. I think most human beings have a difficulty men in particular Have a difficulty being vulnerable I think it takes a woman to open a man's heart I think it takes a woman to open a man's heart and it starts by leading by example You know I have a dear friend who is in a relationship with a woman who constantly shared her feelings with him and he's like Mr. Stoic Mr. Stoic, okay And while that relationship didn't work out and he's now subsequently in the new relationship and he got engaged I think that relationship prepared him for this new relationship Because in that relationship by her continually expressing her needs wants and desires Okay, by expressing it in a non-violent way do not familiar with the work of non-violent communication by marshall rozenberg I highly recommend checking it out by expressing her needs wants and desires in a non-violent way She little by little opened him up to emotional intimacy See most people don't know what emotional intimacy is If you haven't read the book by robert masters emotional intimacy I highly recommend reading this to get a sense of what is true intimacy Intimacy into me. You see remember I said earlier. You should be like this. Tell me about yourself Okay, two people. I want you to imagine two people sitting across each other at it. I'll even think of it as an old Ice cream soda shop. Okay, you're just sitting across from each other I want to hear about the nooks and crannies of who you are. I want to see into your heart This is the beginning stages of emotional intimacy and let's face it Since women no longer are dependent upon men Most women are not dependent upon a man from a financial perspective What's the point of being in a romantic relationship with someone it is to connect on an emotional level? That's what it's all about. I believe And learning these skills makes you better prepare to keep the attention Of the type of man that I invite you all to begin to date and I call these men the growers and the builders These are men who are crystal clear on the type of relationship. They want They know they have a long-term mating strategy. It's not about getting into your pants or giving you lots of attention to get in your pants It is getting into your heart Creating a space where you feel safe. It's not based on romance It's based on curiosity Curious to see if you're both a match for one another and I believe when you encompass these five things Both men and women alike you have a greater chance of keeping each other's attention Because ultimately a relationship is an opportunity a romantic relationship is an opportunity to grow as a couple And you have the you listen all the books behind me are the resources the tools to creating this co-created experience That I suspect all of you want is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know if it is post a comment below I do my best to read them all Uh, if you're a member of my group called midlife love mastery, there's a link as well Please tell your friends about my group. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis To connect with me on a once month webinar and also through a facebook group Send them to my website jonathan asley.com click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group All right. I'm gonna sign off this videos. I always do first off give myself a big gigantic draw the bear hug I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love as well I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear a pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now. Bye. Bye Bye