 So there's no therapy Thursday video this week because I did not have therapy on Thursday Well, I didn't have therapy at all last week. So I usually Upload the video the following week after my therapy session So last week I didn't have therapy. So there's no therapy Thursday video this week. Oh my gosh So, yes, I've been crying. I've had a Challenging Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning, which is city. I'm at the beach because I woke up feeling my stress was down and I like I felt like I was gonna explode if I didn't get out the house. So Last night When I was put in my son to bed my four-year-old my eldest I Was explaining to him that First of all this month is my son's birthday. His father's birthday and the one-year anniversary of his passing So last night I wanted to explain to my son because I Noticed that whenever I don't Speak to him about his father Like too much time pass In between me speaking to him about his father Gets a lot like he gets really rung-bunctious like I don't know how to explain it But last night after reading his story his bedtime story I was explaining to him that you know this month is also your Baba's birthday Because he knows this month is his birthday so I wanted to explain to him that this month is also Since he's not here where we'll light a candle for him and we'll put some of his favorite fruit out to honor him and He said Well, I just wanted to make a cake for my Baba, but he's not here and he can't eat it because he's in the ground Because he said because he died and now he's in the ground And I said we could still make a cake for him if you want He said so who's gonna eat it I? said well He said so how is he gonna eat it and I said he's not gonna eat it But his spirit will receive the cake, and he'll be happy that He you know you made a cake for him to honor him And he said but how so who's gonna eat it I said well you can eat a slice We'll cut the slice for you, and you can eat it, and then we'll leave a slice for him and He was he was talking regular like was having a normal conversation and Then he just burst out in tears like a hard cry like the water works just It just all came down and he was just like I want my Baba and he was just crying So hard just saying I want my Baba. I want my Baba, and of course I started crying too Because that's the hard part about all of this like earlier that day. I was already Emotional because I was watching this show just the past some time because I was Rolling out a lot of patti for my father for my mom for my mother. I was hoping her out and just the past the time I was watching this show and the guy had cancer and You know after going to chemo and doing all this stuff, and you know they noticed that he wasn't responding to their medical Treatment or whatever the doctor told him like at this point you just Have to we just have to make you as comfortable as possible because your days are limited pretty much so Because he was diagnosed with cancer for quite a like a year over a year or so and his His partner was pregnant He started making all of these daily videos because he just didn't know if He was gonna make it or not So he just made all of these videos for his child from before the child was born Up until He was physically able to come still make the videos. I think he So I was like I was so emotional like when it got to the point where you know, he was he did pass away His son was only like a year when he passed away or a year and a half or something You know, they just after he passed away. They kind of fast forward to when the son was bigger and now he's watching his all these videos that his father left for him that I was just In tears crying my eyes out because you know, that was that was thoughtful Although I have videos of him with my four-year-old, I don't really have much videos of him with my two-year-old You know, I have pictures, but a lot of it is when he was a baby like really small I don't really have much pictures of them like bigger Together and my four-year-old is the one who has Most of the memories with his father most of the pictures and videos together up until Two and a half to three years old And then my two-year-old have pictures Have pictures with his father up until he was about Consistently up until he was about six seven months and then there's like a gap and we have some pictures together of his first birthday and Then I have pictures of them together when we were in Ghana But that phone he destroyed that phone before I left And I thought I could still kind of like plug in the phone to get the content off of it But he mashed up the phone so bad to the point where the part where the USB would connect is completely damaged So I don't think I can get anything off that phone last night to kind of like calm him down You know, I started showing him pictures of him and his baba in Videos and he was just Watching it for a while like he just kept watching it and watching it and then this morning He woke up and the first thing he asked me was to watch the pictures and videos again So I gave him the phone by himself this time so he can go through it and this is the first time That I've played a video and actually heard his voice and Hearing his voice was hard It was hard I have so many mixed feelings like I Don't know Like I feel sad, but I don't feel sad because I want to be with him I just feel sad because he's gone and Now I'm now I have to like keep his memory alive for them and That part is hard Like I have to remind them that I know your baba loved you Anyways, of course, he's back to running around playing and Being his happy cherry self After his outburst last night not outburst But after his release because he cried so hard he cried like if it was something he was holding in And I don't want that for him. I want him to be able to release So I just reminded him that like whenever he misses Baba It's okay. You can come and talk to me You can cry It's okay to cry if you feel sad Like I just kept reminding him that because I don't want him to hold that in I Want him to know that that he could cry. It's okay to cry. It's okay to release so now Now that he's okay Right now. I'm trying to Get myself together When I go back home, I could Be my loving nurturing patient self because this morning Because my spirits was low because I felt like I wanted to explode. I was Impatient with them. I Was a little frustrated And I don't want to be that so I came to the beach to try and release and Feel more at ease before I go back home and remind myself that even though I feel sad right now even though My spirits are low a little bit. It's temporary I'm not gonna always feel like this and In due time it's gonna be easier to talk about him to watch pictures and videos with my son and To honor his memory and his life for them. It's gonna get easier to do that in time if you're watching this and Have a similar situation to where You have children With someone who passed away How has it been for you? How have you been able to cope and Even though your situation might be different in the sense to where that person may have not hurt Hurt you specifically or cause you any trauma. How have you been able to How have you been able to keep that person's memory alive for your child? I just want to be the best for my children and It's hard seeing them hurt like this like It's hard seeing my eldest cry and Say that he misses Baba and say he want his Baba Because they were so close like if I if I was to show y'all some pictures and videos of them together They were so close and that's why I say like even though he Treated me very shitty in the end for the last two years of our relationship even before that But even though he treated me very badly. He was He was a great father The only aspect of him being a bad father was him mistreating me in front of them He was Hands-on Intentional father like there was nothing he didn't do for my son for our son I could have left him with them all day and he did everything for them as if I was there he would Feed them breakfast bathe them read to them play with them Teach them he taught my eldest how to ride a bike And now it's time to teach him how to ride one without training wheels How do I do that? He was very hands-on Because they got a little rough when My two-year-old was born So my two-year-old from the time he was born. He was more attached to me so although Like what with with my eldest I could have left him with his dad with his father From three months. I was able to leave the house and leave him with his father it took Six about six seven months before I was able to leave my two-year-old with his with his father and He'll be okay. He was more attached to me. He was in the midst of a lot of arguing and stuff. So I think He was he was kind of like my protector if that makes sense So he stayed with me most times. I he rarely ever left my side Even when we're in Ghana, he was He was one and I still couldn't just leave him All the time I had to take him with me Anyways, I Don't know why I came on camera to be honest, but Talking this out loud Has helped calm me down a bit Since I didn't have therapy And I don't think I have therapy this week either. So this video is just showing y'all one of the things I do to calm myself down when I'm having a rough time being intentional and not trying to Black out what I'm feeling You know, I came to the beach I journaled I was just sitting here Gazing into the ocean listening to the waves And it's very soothing. It's very common. So This is one of the things I do On this intentional healing journey that I am on but Now I'm just gonna Having moved my body a little bit Because I've been having some lower back aches and I think It's just due to what I've been feeling these past couple days So I'm gonna move my body a little bit and then go into water And then go home because I gotta feed my baby And I'll tend to my children anyways to all Watching Protect your womb by any means necessary and to everyone watching protect your peace by any means necessary My camera is dying. I wish you all love light and prosperity and you will see me In my next video Oh