 Thank you for convening this hearing and for considering my nomination. Let's move on. I want to go to the child porn. Hello everyone. Sorry I'm on Zoom. I'm sure you know why. No, it's not COVID. I just don't want to be in the same room as Ted Cruz and Sheldon Whitehouse. We're here to carry out one of this committee's most solemn constitutional obligations. Engaging in the politics of personal destruction. Sounds about right. Judge Jackson's nomination, of course, is historic. If you were confirmed, you would be the first ever. I know where this is going. Federal public defender to sit on the court. Oh, cool. Nice to have someone with experience fighting the government for once. We're off to a very good start. This will not be a political circus. I have no reason to believe that. Seems like a pretty good judge to me. I do thank all of my colleagues in advance for being respectful, thoughtful, and open-minded. You might have pulled the trigger a little early on that one. We don't do that with people who come to Congress. This is often a staging ground for nasty, evidence-free personal attacks. There was a lie. You're some kind of commie, fascist, Nazi, terrorist, child porn guy. Am I doing it right? Why are some people so mean? This will not be the kind of character smear that sadly our Democratic colleagues have gotten very good at. Isn't that a character smear? Democrats interrupted me for more than an hour during my opening statement on the Kavanaugh area. You guys are still talking about Kavanaugh. We started down this road of character assassination in the 1980s with Judge Bork's hearing. Seriously? He said Bork. I got bingo. I got bingo. Will you nerd out with me a little bit? Dungeons and Dragons? I can do that. It's just, it's a fun role-playing game. Do not untie me no matter how much I beg or bite. It's a different kind of role-playing. If you want me to go first, I'm good. Everybody still got their character sheets? Well, it's fine. You can just make new ones. You can, you can make up a new character where you can start fresh. I could make myself the hero more of a bard. It was a little insulted. Who do you want to be? Abraham Lincoln. Trump. Justice Ruth Bader. Ginsburg. Odysseus. Ruby Bridges. Super duper president. The black woman. Yeah, maybe this was a bad idea. They can choose their gender. Now I find that bizarre. Look, you can be whatever character you want. You just have to remember to put down the attributes. Strength. Intelligence. Intelligence and wisdom. Now I don't understand the difference. Intelligence is being smart and wisdom is not wanting to be in Congress. All of that goes into forming who you are. Could I decide I was an Asian man? None of you want to go to Harvard. There are three dusty doors in front of you. Let us commit ourselves to do our part to open these doors. Who decides? You all decide together. It's a cooperative game. God bless America. We don't do that much stuff by partisan round here. You're not really going to go through the door without checking for traps first, are you? Your worst enemies could be behind that door. Like America. The 1619 project. Nazis and Russians and Prussians and Habsburgs. Sure. They will crush you. They will attack you. They will slander you. They will filibuster you. Wait, what? Poison dart hits coons. I've been struck. You've had a lot of poison thrown at you. He was ambushed. 20. It's critical critical race theory. What? It is filled and overflowing with critical race theory. All right, you know what? Just forget it. Everyone died. Not a surprise. But perhaps a little bit of a disappointment. Yeah, kind of like congressional hearings. So now, back to our business. What constrains a judge is a judge who is willing to be constrained. That's why we have safe words. There's no reason to think that you are a pedophile. That's the closest Josh Hawley has to a compliment. Does anyone enjoy this? I don't. And I bet a lot of normal Americans don't either. Thank you for separating yourself from normal America. Drug overdose deaths and gang crime have both skyrocketed in recent years. Lindsey was hit a gang, MS-13? 14, whatever gang I was in, I've been in so many I can't remember. Crits as they were known when we were in law school. Domes with Lindsey. Boeing. To beat the crap out of a guy. First thing you do when you get in Congress is find the biggest, baddest Congressman you can and beat the crap out of him so the other ones respect you. I've seen it happen. We have a justice system that treats you better if you're rich and guilty than if you're poor and innocent. Is that why all of you are so calm? I just feel this sense of overwhelming joy. I feel like you're one of the emotions in that movie inside out. I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sass, Ted Cruz, and Ted Cruz again. What is the fundamental right? You should know that. The founders established three separate branches of our government. She is a judge. She knows that. What's your hidden agenda? You know, standard lizard people stuff. Is it to let violent criminals, cop killers, and child predators back to the streets? That explains why she's been twirling her mustache the entire hearing. Here is the problem. Agreed. Here. Right here is the problem. Educators are allowing biological males to steal opportunities from female athletes. What is wrong with your hair? She wasn't groomed. 44% of Americans now disapprove of the Supreme Court. Congress dreams of having a disapproval rating that low. You and I have known each other a long time. I know that I'm not comfortable. We went to law school together. Who was your opinion of him in college? It's not an opinion that I think is appropriate for me to share. We have a saying in New Jersey. Breathe through your mouth. Don't mess with the sanitation department. People are too dumb to pump their own gas. What we really need is a good reality television show about shirtless people on a beach. All hat and no cattle. All hat and no... in Jersey? The American public is now tuning into these proceedings expecting a substantive discussion. Oh, you're the new guy. How do we feel it went today? One of the lowest moments in the history of this committee. I could not stop being just joyous. I did my best. Is that what you did? Honestly, no. I kind of phoned this one in. And I think it's been long overdue. Yeah, it probably should have come out last Friday. I think we have to accept some responsibility for that, Senator. Portions of this were used out of context. Guilty is charged. I hope I get a very leading sentence. Good flourish at the end.