 Irma? Irma? Yes, Jane? You know, this is interesting. It says here that the desert in Death Valley is 270 feet below sea level. Well, it can't be much of a desert with all that water on top of it. That's what you can expect when you listen to my friend Irma. Friendship, friendship, just perfect friendship. When other friendships have been forgot, there's will still be. All this company makers of swan, the soap with the exclusive super cream blend presents. Starring Mary Wilson-Azerma and Kathy Lewis as Jane. Find out what sign I was born under. Whether it was Aries the Rem, Capricorn the Gold or Leo the Lion. Lo and behold, I find out I'm Taurus. It says in a footnote that Taurus girls get married very young. As far as I'm concerned, now I know why this sign is referred to as Taurus the Bull. Younger. And every June I look at the wedding announcements in the newspapers and you know something? My name isn't there. And as far as Richard Rhinelanders concerned, I've tried everything. From pulling petals off the daisies to sleeping on a piece of wedding cake. All I ever got out of it was a house full of ants. I'm not the only one who does a bit of moaning around the month of June. Even Irma is affected. Right now she's looking at a picture of a June bride in the newspaper. The look on her face is a complete blank. Which means she's thinking. Irma, yes Jane? What's fascinating you so? Well look what it says about this bride in the paper. What? When Miss Doris Albert walks down the aisle, she'll be wearing her great grandmother's lover around her neck. Let me see that. Irma, that's Lavalier. Well I've got the other words right. She's just lovely. Yeah, lovely and lucky. Especially this one. Isn't she adorable? Yes, and her babies are cute too. Yes, an artist has drawn their pictures all around the bride's photograph. Irma, those are cupids. Jane, if Richard asked you to marry him, where would you go for the honeymoon? The nearest sanitarium for shock treatment. How about you and Al, honey? Where would you like to spend your honeymoon? Oh, Al has already made reservations. We're going to stay at 822 Wall Street. 822 Wall Street? Irma isn't Mr. Clyde's office at 824? Yes, when we're on a honeymoon, Al doesn't want me to be late for work. Doesn't surprise me, your wedding ring will probably have a built-in alarm clock. This is Al. Is Irma there? Just a minute. Irma, it's for you. Who is it? I'll give you a hint. It's the one person in the country who celebrates 365 holidays a year. Oh, if anybody, it'll be you. Fussy crowd. Let's go in style. What do you mean, Al? Make some sandwiches. We'll take them along. I mean, to see Harvey. I wonder what kind of a show it is. Well, it's a comedy. I haven't seen it yet. They say it's very good. It's about a rabbit called Harvey. Only you can't see him. No wonder Al's getting the tickets for nothing. Oh, well, as long as I'm with Al, I don't care what I don't see. He's so wonderful. In June, all fellas seem wonderful. That includes my Richard. You know, I've practiced saying I do for so long that when I walk down the street mumbling to myself, people say, do you realize you're out of your mind and I say I do? Oh, T. Jane, wouldn't it be wonderful if the four of us were married and lived right next door to each other? Oh, I can just see it. Richard coming home from a hard day at the office, Al coming home from a hard bench in the park. But it would be so nice for our children. Yeah, the children. I hadn't thought of that. I guess there would be a little Irma and a little Jane. Little Irma would be asking little Jane questions all day. I won't have it. Well, why not, Jane? Because I wouldn't want my daughter to be prematurely gray at the age of four. Oh, you're just kidding, Jane. Isn't it wonderful to daydream like this? Gee, if Al would just propose, I'd buy the wedding ring myself. Buy your own wedding ring? Oh, no, you wouldn't. That's one thing I won't let you do. It's enough you may have to work after you're married, but you're going to start out like a lady. All right, Jane. Gee, you know, I can't wait to go to the theater. What did you say Harvey was about? Oh, it's about a man who drinks and imagines he sees rabbits. It's only me, Professor Kopatkin. Hello, Jane and Irma, my two little dishes. One food for top, the other food for squirrels. Excuse me, a little joke I picked up in the park. Why, Professor? Girls, I came down here to get a little information. Is the word which an adverb or a preposition? Well, the word which is a pronoun. Or it may be used adjectively. How do you want to use it? Dear Mrs. O'Reilly, you are an old witch. Professor, why don't you stop teasing poor Mrs. O'Reilly? After all, she's the kind of a person who likes to live and let live. This I know. You should see the things she lets live in my room. Professor, why don't you forget Mrs. O'Reilly as a landlady? Just think of her as a woman. I tried that, but I had to stop right away. I found myself hating my own mother. Tell me, Irma, what are you all dressed up for? Oh, Al's going to take you to the matinee. I'm going to see Harvey. Harvey? Yes, he's bought a rabbit who drinks and imagines he sees men. Yes, and pink psychiatrist. Hello, girls. Oh, there you are, Professor. Oh, it's Mrs. O'Reilly. Please, don't get excited, Mrs. O'Reilly. Quiet, you. Girls, what would you think of a man who takes a girl to the playground in the park at night and lets her go up and down on a seesaw for two hours? Oh, I think that's very romantic. Well, that's what I thought until I got off and found a rock tight at the other end of the board. I'm sorry, Mrs. O'Reilly. I just went away to buy you some candy. Do you think after how nice you was to me, I could play a dirty trick like that? Mrs. O'Reilly, what did you do for him? Oh, just a few little intimate touches for his room. You know the leak in my bathroom pipe? She fixed it? No, she hung a shower curtain around it. And you know that old-fashioned gas stove I got? The one the gas is always escaping from? Oh, is she getting you a new stove? No, she gave me a gas mask. Well, this is all very touching, but Irma, Al will be here any minute. You better be ready to go, honey. All right, Jane. Where are you going, Irma? Al's taking me to the theater. To the theater? Oh, it's been such a long time since I've been to the theater. Yes, it's a little hard for Mrs. O'Reilly to forget all that excitement and shooting. You see, she was sitting right next to Mr. Lincoln. Push up, Professor. Oh, Irma, I almost forgot what I came here for. Amber Lipscott called while you were at the office, and she wanted me to tell you that she called back again at one o'clock. Come on, Mrs. O'Reilly. I'll take you to the movie around the corner. They're showing two pictures today. The Emperor Waltz and the story of your life. So evil, my love. I'll go along with you. Goodbye, girls. I think I'll go too, Irma. I can't stand to be around when that obnoxious girlfriend of yours calls. Oh, Jane, why can't you get along with Amber? Irma, honey, I know she's one of your best friends, but tell me, why is it the minute she gets here she has to take off her shoes and strut around barefooted? I wouldn't mind if her feet were shapely, but believe me, if they had eyes, one of them could pass for a bear-skin rug. Well, that's not Amber's fault. Her feet hurt her. You see, she's employed in a brewery. She's a barrel-kicker. A barrel-kicker? Yeah, she walks around in the brewery kicking barrels to see which ones are empty. Oh, Irma, don't listen to those stories she makes up. Your friend Amber Lipscott is just a clumsy, lazy oaf with a temper, and I don't want anything to do with her. I'll take you there. Hello? What? Yes, Amber, this is Jane. You want to talk to Irma? What? Why do I have to answer the phone? Well, I happen to live here. Why do I have to live? Why you? Hey, give it to me, Jane. Hello? Why, going to keep on living with someone beneath me? She lives right here in the same room. What is it, Amber? You sound excited. Huh? You can't tell me, but you'll be right over. All right. Eve, goodbye. I wonder what she's so excited about. I don't know, honey. Personally, I don't want to have anything to do with her. As far as I'm concerned, she's the coarsest, most vulgar person in the world. But I've never heard her sound so thrilled. I wonder what it can be. I'll swing gorgeous George next week. It's me, chicken. Come in. Hello, Jane. Hiya, chicken. Hello, Al, honey. Sorry I'm late, chicken. I was trying to interest a banker in my latest deal. When is it this time, putting windows and cigar boxes, selling them for television sets? Nothing so obvious. This is a special device to eliminate backseat driving. How do you do that, Al? Simple. The car has two exhaust pipes. One of them goes into the backseat. Oh, my God, I can't go. You can't go? Why not, chicken? Well, Amber Lipscott is coming over to discuss something important, and I promised I'd be here. But, chicken, after all the trouble I went to to get these tickets. Oh, I'm sorry, Al. Such a shame to waste good seats. Um, Jane. Yes, Al? Jane, in the past, you and I have had many differences, but this could, of course, be based on heredity. What do you mean? Well, in your family, to be ambitious is considered a virtue. In your family, it has come to be looked upon as a disease. Yes? Outside of this slight difference, Jane, I have never had anything against you, and have always hoped it was sort of mutual. What are you driving at, Al? Well, I was wondering if you would like to go to the theater with me. Outside of chicken, there is no one I would rather take. I've never had anything personal against you, and since you put it this way, and if Irma won't object... Oh, I won't. You know what they say, share the wealth. Look, he's broke. Well, what do you say, Jane? Al, I'd be delighted. My arm, Miss Stacy, and let me tell you, I may not be able to take your long Park Avenue like your boyfriend Richard does, but believe me, on our way to get a hot dog at the waterfront, we will cross Park Avenue. This is a day that will live in history. Goodbye, honey. Yes, so long, chicken. When we get back, we'll tell you the whole plot. Well, you don't have to, Al. I trust you. That, ladies, the music for the first dance of a lovely evening and the violins are whispering a beauty hint to you. Only Swan has that super-cream blend. That's important. Swan soap does give you something no other soap can offer. Swan differs from other soaps. You know it does, because you can feel the difference just by running your fingers over a cake of Swan. You can feel that extra smoothness, the direct result of Swan's super-cream blend, and feel that wonderful super-creamed lather. Feel that rich, billowy Swan lather, a special lather that no other soap can give you, because no other soap has Swan's super-cream blend. This Swan lather cleanses so gently, so thoroughly, and then rinses away so completely that it leaves your skin looking softer, smoother, younger. Yes, you'll find out that the Swan look is a young look. You'll see new beauty in your skin, so please don't forget. Only Swan has that super-cream blend. Richard takes me to the matinee. He hails a cab, picks up a box of candy, hands me a corsage, and we end up watching the show from the third row. But this is with Al. So he hailed a cab, asked the driver what time it was, and now we had time to walk. He picked up a tootsie roll, handed me the wrapper, and we ended up watching the show from the third balcony. From where we are sitting, not only Harvey the Rabbit is invisible, but so is the cast. I must say Al is enjoying himself immensely, though. He hasn't stopped smiling since he went to sleep. Oh, wake up. Your Honor, this whole thing is a mistake. I was fr... Oh, how is you, Jane? Al, I don't like to interrupt your dreams, but I paid $1.20 tax on those free tickets of yours. I like to have you see the show. Sorry, Jane, just can't keep awake. Why not? No dames in the show. Must you have chorus, girl? Look, Jane, as much as I love chicken, I am still a normal man. I prefer watching chorus girls to an animal act. I got the feeling that once you've seen one rabbit, you've seen them all. No, no, do by all means. Take my shoes off. It helps me to speak freely. Amber, I hope you have something important to tell me because I passed up going to the theater with Al. Have I got something important, dearie? You know my boyfriend, Gerald the Jockey. Oh, Amber, don't tell me you finally hooked him. Harpooned is the word, dearie. I've got him clean, dressed, and on ice. We're getting married this afternoon. Oh, not really. Yeah, after the seventh race. Amber, I don't know what to say. Gosh, I'm so happy. Oh, thanks, dearie. Everyone's been so nice. At the track, they gave a party for Gerald and me. They put us in the winter circle, dropped a horseshoe of flowers around my neck, and weighed me in. They were so sentimental. I'll say, tell me, Amber, how are you coming along with Al? Oh, every time I ask Al what's holding up our wedding, he says, moniana. That's Spanish for money. Oh, hi, Amber. Hello, Al. Hey, you lost a little weight, didn't you? Yeah. You know, driving a bulldozer is an easy word. Until you hear the wonderful news, Amber is getting married this afternoon. Well, congratulations. That was nothing. He knew he'd have to do it sooner or later, or I'd cripple him. What time does the wedding take place? Five o'clock at my apartment, dearie. And that's why I drop by. You've got to do me a favor. Oh, certainly, Amber. What is it? Well, I'm going to be tied up with the Dressmakers until 4.30. So I wondered if you'd take this $50 with this slip to Kay's jewelry store and pick up my wedding ring. Oh, you'd be glad to. Do you want us to come to the wedding? Well, of course I do, honey. You're my dearest friend. And I don't care what kind of a wedding present you bring me just as long as you're not ashamed of it. I will get the ring for you. Shall I bring Jane along, too? No, thanks. There'll be enough crumbs around after we cut the wedding cake. Oh, Amber. I wish you'd try to understand, Jane. Underneath it all, she's a wonderful person. That's where I'd like to see her, underneath it all. Better not get in my way. Well, so long, honey. $50. Al? Money for the ring. I'll put it back on the table. Oh, you misunderstand, chicken. I was merely thinking of getting the most good out of this money for Amber. What do you mean, Al? Well, maybe I can get a better ring for less money. And with a dough I save, Amber, we buy her a wedding present. And there's only one man who can help us. Who else but... Hello, Joe. Al, got a problem. I want to pick up a wedding ring cheap. What shall I do? Shake hands with Mrs. McHugh? Oh, she's been on her diet. The ring is loose. No, no, Joe. Must be legitimate. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You want I should stop calling you about things that are legitimate? It's giving you a bad name with a voice. Understand your position. Goodbye, noble friend. Now, look, Al, forget about getting bargains. Let's just go out and get a wedding present for Amber. Shall I take along the 50 and the slip for Amber's ring? No, we might lose it. Leave it on the table until we come back. Okay, chicken. T.L., I wish we were getting married like Amber and Gerald. It won't be long, chicken. Oh, Al, if you knew how I'd dream of the day when I'll hold our son in my arms. Well, chicken, how do you know it'll be a boy? Oh, you don't know about those things. You're so naive. Well, I'm sure you know how he wrote to the stork. Professor, I guess no one's home. Oh, that's too bad. I wanted to tell Irma that I liked the way she sewed the button on my shirt, but that I can't get the shirt off the table because she sewed the shirt to the tablecloth. Well, this is June, and Irma is very much a love struck. Back before I left for the theater, Irma was in such a romantic mood that she said if Al would marry her, she'd buy the ring herself. Well, lots of people are desperate to get married, Janie. Take Mrs. O'Reilly. If I marry her, she will have her face lifted. But I'm terrified at the thought of what they might find underneath. Irma's just exaggerating, and she wouldn't do... Oh, my goodness. What's the metagine? What's on the table there? Kay's Jewelers. One wedding ring, balance $50. Oh, no! She said she wouldn't, now she's done it. She's buying her own wedding ring, so Al will marry her. Poor little Irma. Nature was very cruel to her. With such a big heart, there wasn't anything left to put in her head. Well, Al's not going to get away with this. Irma works too hard for her money to go spending it on a wedding ring. Heavens, if Al wants to marry her, let him buy the ring. Where are you going, Janie? To the bank to deposit this money right back in her account. But the bank is closed now. Well, I'll put it in the night depository, professor. I'll see you later. This will teach Irma a lesson. Well, chicken, you better get dressed if you want to get to the wedding in time. Don't forget, we've got to pick up Amber's ring. All right, Al. What's the matter, Chick? The money for the ring is gone. Don't look at me, Chick, and I come in with you. You know what happened? That money you were going to spend on a wedding ring for yourself so this loafer could marry you is back in the bank where it belongs. Back in the bank? Yes. And the bank is closed. Closed? Why are you two acting as though someone had just gotten killed? I wish you hadn't said that, Jane. Sounds like a pretty good ringside description of what's going to happen to you. To me? What are you talking about? Jane, that 50 bucks belongs to Amber Lipscott. It was for her wedding ring. If her wedding is called off on account of your meddling, she may hit the ceiling, and it'll be with you. What am I going to do? Well, I don't want to get involved with that terrible monster. Oh, if I could only get $50 so you could get the ring. Let me see. I think I've got $4. Oh, dear. Irma, how much have you got? 20, 28, 32, 41. A half a dollar. Oh. Mrs. O'Reilly. Janey, what's wrong? You're white as a sheet. Mrs. O'Reilly, have you got $50? Oh, you should have asked me this morning before I went to the beauty parlor. You spent all that money in the beauty parlor? Yes, I tip big. I have to. If I don't, the girls won't work on me. Well, I guess this is it, kids. Might as well get ready to face it. Now it's a matter of time, nothing more. I'm just sitting here waiting for the inevitable. Al and Irma have been very solicitous. Irma keeps humming and singing. Cheer me up. Her singing is a little worse than anything Amber could do to me. As for Al, Al is really concerned. He keeps glancing through my papers to make sure all my insurance policies are paid up. It's after five o'clock, and by now Amber's either married without a ring or on her way over here with murder in her heart. Oh, if only I hadn't put the money in the bank. Well, goodbye, Jane. Come in, Amber. Hello, Amber. Now look, Amber, let me explain. You don't have to explain, Irma. That's the kind of a person you are. But really, Amber, I don't know what to say. You don't have to talk, Irma. You just see those things. Feel what things? About not showing up with the ring. You didn't want me to be married. Now hold it, Amber. You stay out of this, nosy. What I'm saying, Irma, is what makes you so clever and psychic. Psychic? Yeah, how did you know Gerald was already married to somebody else? Stay out of this. Irma, I'm so glad you didn't show up and embarrass me. And I'm so glad you didn't buy the ring. If I only told you about the money Gerald gave me. Uh, what about the money? You, my worst enemy, should try to pass that money. It's counterfeit. What's your girlfriend doing lying on the floor? I wish you wouldn't go to sleep when we have company. I'm buying a cake of swan soap in front of the electric fan. So I said, honey, what's the idea? And Irma said, Oh, I thought if our swan starts molding, the fan will blow its feathers away. Well, Jane, Irma has her serious moments about swan soap, too. Sure, she says the large cake of swan is wonderful for a bath. So ladies, why don't you get the large size cake of swan next time? See how it breaks easily into two generous cakes that last and last for your bath. And when you feel your cake of swan, you'll notice how smooth it is. Feel the lather. It's smoother, richer, creamier. And that's because of swan super-creamed blend. So get the big, handsome, generous cake of swan soap for your bath. Irma must feel all the time. Why? Because I have pulled the boner of boners. Fortunately, I got to the bank in the morning early enough to stop the counterfeit deposit, and everything's taken care of. But I just can't stand to be in a position where Irma feels she must sympathize with me. In fact, I just go crazy when Irma says, Oh Jane, don't feel so badly about making a mistake. Sometimes I even say some things that aren't exactly brilliant. Sure, but who cares? Six of one or ten of another. All adds up to twelve. It's just a little higher than the IQ of my friend Irma. And Irma presented by swan another fine product of Lieber Brothers Company was produced and directed by Cy Howard. Tonight's script was written by Cy Howard and Park Levy. Folks, next Monday evening, listen again to... Our friend Swan. With my friend Irma. Starring Mary Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane. The part of Professor Kropotkin was played by Hans Conreed. Ladies, listen. The shortage of fats and oils is still very serious and it's worldwide. So please keep on saving every drop of used kitchen fat. Your butcher will pay you for every pound. Frank Bingman speaking. Sprite. Cakes are light and high. Sprite. There's a reason why. Sprite. Cakes improve with Sprite. Rely on Sprite. Yes, there's a reason why Sprite makes grand cakes. Sprite has an amazing cake improver secret. Try the Sprite one bowl away and be sure of lighter, finer, richer cakes every time. No other type of shortening has Sprite's cake improver. For new cake making success, try Sprite. The pure, all vegetable shortening. Rely on Sprite. S-B-R-Y. Rely on Sprite. Tune in next week one hour earlier and listen to the Lux Radio Theatre immediately followed by my friend Irma. This is CBS where 99 million people gather every week. The Columbia Broadcasting System.