 Good evening. This is Ronald Coleman inviting you to join Mrs. Coleman and me for the next half hour When our sponsors the brewers of Schlitz beer Present the halls of Ivy If you like good beer do as millions of people are doing all over the country as for Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous Schlitz tastes so good to so many people that it's the largest selling beer in America It has to be fine to be first Welcome again to Ivy Ivy colleagues that is in the town of Ivy USA The hounds of spring are yapping merrily at Ivy's president. Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall They're happy barking announces that summer as Chaucer so quickly put it is it coming in and at the academic year is a going out Releasing the idea dr. Hall sits in the afternoon sun perusing that handbook of the male species a sporting goods catalog Vicky it's really amazing Toddy, I'm so glad to hear you say so you are why I Find it refreshing to think that a man of your knowledge and experience can still find things to be amazed at Shows an open mind. Thank you. I'm not one who believes that an open mind is an equivalent to a hole in the head Is that your own Vicky you mean my own head? No, no, you're own observation. Oh, I think so if I owe it to Earl Wilson or somebody I apologize What do you find that it's so amazing? Well the items in this catalog It's incredible the impedimenter which have been evolved to ease the hardships of the summer camper It's getting so that a life in the open It's incredible the impedimenter which have been evolved to ease the hardships of the summer camper It's getting so that a life in the open is only slightly less rugged than a five-room suite at the ambassador east Yeah, well if you're planning on roughing it this summer in the pump room doctor You've got yourself a fellow camper if I may refer to myself as a fellow Look at some of these things Flashlights which need no batteries butane cook stoves Portable refrigerators form rubber mattresses in weatherproof tents mosquito repellents. Oh, that's for me That's for me. No mosquito has yet been repelled by me Isn't it nice to know that you are irresistible even to a mosquito. Well, yes, yes But it's the only example of it. I've ever experienced where I had to slap my own face Now look look at all this I wonder what Daniel Boone and Kit Carson would have thought of these little aids to life in the open They just sneered at them. You can't shoot a buffalo for lunch with a spray gun full of citronella Only one could one now get that calculating look out of your eye William You can't eliminate the wellman's of the world either with a spray gun now How did you know I was thinking of mr. Wellman whenever you think of him your hands make little strangling gestures What brought him to mine talking about mosquitoes no, no, I'm expecting him any minute he called a while ago trouble Now darling, did he ever come here bringing me violets? What's bothering our little splinter from the board of governors? Well, it's a student named Richard Alden He'd be eligible for the nobling dale award if he were to graduate, but we can't graduate him. Why not? I Thought Richard Alden was Phi Beta Kappa and an all-round mental whiz bang. Well, he is in science He seems to think that the rest of our curriculum was designed to hamper him in his favorite subject I would be derelict in my duty to graduate such a brilliant ignoramus His arrogant attitude toward a well-rounded education and a splinter stage left Now let's make time count and let's not dawdle with amenities. Mrs. Hall and Dr. Hall. This is Richard Alden Hello Richard Because I'm not blaming you dr. Hall even though it is your fault What do you have to say in the face of such evidence who mean I'm a very plain and simple minded man Dr. Hall get down to brass cases. I mean hot tax Brass tax, Dr. Hall It's precisely where we are now and it was an unfortunate oversight that you were the last one to know But you seem so preoccupied with other matters you've taken the words right out of my mouth Which is exactly why I'm here. Who may I ask has been most interested in the advancement of this institution Who has tried to make its name a byword in every home in America? Who? Who? Who? You have us there, Mr. Wellman. I have that's who? Who? And at last we have have a student Richard Alden here who finally wins the Noblingdale award and what do you do? Yes, Toddy. I will answer the man. What do you do? Well, it seems to me Mr. Wellman that the terms of the award leave it open only to students who are graduating of man like this boy Richard Alden brilliant science and test tubes and equations only in Einstein could understand Thank you, Mr. Wellman. Yes, no one who I mean if anyone else was or No, what was the point I was making? Well, I believe you were about to say that such a man or boy it must certainly most certainly should be graduating But I think perhaps this is a matter for Richard and me to discuss in private what I Pick up the cudgel in his behalf. I heard by armor. I know the boom I've never been so so outraged. Oh, I'm sure you have mr. Wellman Yes, true I have I watch my hand Please Thank you, dr. Hall. He makes me nervous. Oh, you you have to understand mr. Wellman. He can get along with anybody except people Nothing thank you Dr. Hall my grades are the highest of any student in this college since 1896 I have surpassed all other Phi Beta Kappa's in this college and Furthermore, no Ivy student has ever won the nobling dale award. Yeah, she'll quite right Richard However, let us go from the realm of higher intellectual pursuit to some simple arithmetic You have chosen the field of averages. So I advance them 100 and zero Average is what 50 of course that is your grade average and that is why you're failing I am a science major dr. Hall I see no reason for attending classes in the history of the novel or a Greek and Roman drama a Greek and Roman drama can be Quite exciting. You know, I once played chitamnester Who a woman famous in Greek classical tragedy, but you'll probably remember her better as a contemporary of Pythagoras Triangle, I'm a scientist or would be if you'd let me graduate. Oh, I'm not stopping you Richard The curriculum is why do you so vehemently object to the arts and letters Richard? What do they lead to? What is the functional value of a sonnet? I have my dear boy because a sonnet cannot be reduced to a mathematical formula And I'm not sure that it can't But just because it is the thing which stimulates the imagination and evokes pleasure It doesn't mean that it has no functional value. Yes, but what I mean is excuse me You might ask me the functional value of a violin of legato the remembered fragrance of a mountain morning The ripple of a trout stream And I'd say that the function functional value of anything is its special purpose. It's reason for being The reason for being of all these things of the soul and the emotions is simply that they are a spiritual bank account on which human beings may draw at will and As a too restricted specialist Richard, you are well on your way to becoming an emotional pauper Spiritually bankrupt. I don't like to see mob to stop her But I still don't see how I need trout streams and mountain mornings and sonnets Logically, where would all the philosophers and writers and artists be without engineers without bridges terribly wet. I imagine I Logic logic like functionalism can also be twisted to strange uses I'm reminded of the centipede who refused to go under the viaduct because the clearance was limited to 13 feet Richard Richard you're a boy who's determined to go places, right? Yes, sir. I think so going far Snapped up by some big concern or firm for your valuable scientific mind in charge of research invent things improve them Perfect inventing just like that or invent things for other things For people. I guess people if you hadn't mentioned them. I wasn't sure. They're the ones who buy the products, aren't they? I wasn't sure how you classified people as customers or as mankind. I Think I know mankind as well as the next fellow. Ah now we're getting into semantics again The next fellow Richard is a mythical being utilized for purposes of reference by those seeking support for unworthy arguments His credit standing is nil and his social security number is zero dash zero Are you as a practicing scientist? Shouldn't call upon such an inexact figure as the next fellow You're just sparring with me dr. Hall. What does all this have to do with my graduation and getting on with my scientific work? I think Richard the dr. Hall is trying to point out that he doesn't approve of half educated graduates Did you ever read history for fun Richard? No, sir. I never considered it fun Are you familiar with Moby Dick? Certainly as a boy. It's a very exciting adventure story for teenage boys Oh good heavens know if I may venture an opinion. It's it's for rulers and saints soldiers and philosophers poets and leaders The good soul they have Turned into a dangerous man by his pursuit of the demon whale because he has no goal, but to kill the huge thing They have stung by his own vanity Flinging himself against the lashing winds and crashing tides of sea that are there Captain Hall oh Anyway, as for the human being few things tell us quite as much as a Melville Or Toddles toy and paragraph a Jonathan Swift epigram. Well, I'll take pi equals three and fourteen hundreds And assuming you do succeed in squaring the circle Richard Who will be there to applaud your wondrous feet bet for one Beth Lansing my wife He has got other interests. Oh, I'm overwhelmed and delighted. Is your wife a scientist too Richard? Not exactly not exactly scientist No, I didn't mean not exactly a wife Yes, I did Mrs. Hall. Oops. Sorry We're engaged she's a senior too we were going to be married when I graduated if I graduate It's possible to let a straight-A science student get a diploma at this college Oh several of them have received diplomas, but they weren't so insistent about altering the entire course of study at I think I Don't care about the course of study. I'm speaking of me Let anyone else do what he likes but so far as I'm concerned an hour study on anything else is one hour less I can devote to science Goodbye, Mrs. Hall Is he really as bright a sound student as he says he is he most certainly is But if I were a little younger and a little stronger, I might throw him to the floor and sit on his chest Well, I read the classics allowed to him Speaking of his chest, I have a notion and the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach according to the old adage An adage which I reject as being medically impractical Aesthetically distasteful and conversationally repulsive How about the way to a man's heart is through his heart simple approach of why play an organ recital my very point Then I take it you're referring in your oblique feminine way to Beth Lansing who I'm sure sees no faults in our Unromantic young friend. Oh sure the only time a woman ever understands our husband is before she marries him Incidentally Yes, why did you ask Richard if he'd read history for fun? I mean aside from finding out if he'd had any other interests because like so many impetuous people He has no understanding whatsoever of the pertinence of accumulated knowledge in fields other than his own He's never understood that wise men have recorded their yesterdays to help pools meet their tomorrows Why didn't you tell him that before he left? Because that is what I call one of my taxicab rejoinders Taxicab rejoinder that my darling is the devastating retort you could have used to such good effect at the party But don't think of until you're on your way home What about Beth Lansing when you think of beer think of this Schlitz tastes so good to so many people. It's the largest selling beer in America Back in 1849 a little brewery in the village of Milwaukee produced the first barrel of Schlitz beer Before that time people didn't pay much heed to the name of the brewer beer was beer and that's all anyone cared to know In the years between however people began to notice that certain brands of beer had more to offer than others as The brewers brand increased in importance both Schlitz and Milwaukee became known throughout the world Milwaukee has the home of premium beer Schlitz has the beer that made Milwaukee famous today this outstanding Milwaukee born beer has an even more special distinction Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous tastes so good to so many people that it's first in sales in America The taste that built that popularity is yours in every glass of Schlitz beer Enjoy it for chances are you'll like Schlitz best, too As we rejoin the halls of Ivy we find dr. Hall who's been working on the project of adding a spur line of human emotion to the single-track Mind of Richard Alden just entering the house Vicki in here come on in darling Darling, this is Beth Lansing Beth dr. Hall. Hello, dr. Hall. I'm delighted to see you I'm very curious to know how Richard's getting along. That's what Beth called me about He isn't getting along very well seems to be mattering things about you Toddy Well, not really muttering shouting He shouts now and he never used to that's why I had to talk to you Mrs. Hall But why didn't you talk to me Beth? Oh, it was the roundabout approach. I guess I Was being feminine and clever by taking it up with Mrs. Hall Anyhow, how could I talk to you about how Richard dislikes you? Naturally I prefer to be liked rather than disliked But I've found that an antagonism here or there is not necessarily lethal Any person with character is bound to find a few opponents, but as long as his adversaries are outnumbered by his allies This is mere stimulation. Yeah, we're speaking of as one of dr. Hall's allies Beth. Just how does Richard feel? he feels like Well That you're keeping him from his ultimate fulfillment dr. Hall those were his very words They sound like his very words the dear young pinhead Well, I'm not the founder of Ivy College Beth the required study has been in effect for several years Richard should realize that if we'd known he was coming we'd have baked a curriculum Well, that's it. He can't see that he can't see anything Which just says it's all your fault and doesn't know why Well a more articulate man once had a similar feeling about the head of another college He said I do not love the dr. Fell the reason why I cannot tell but this alone. I know full well I do not love the dr. Fell Just how he feels For a fellow with a scientific mind, I keep telling him he isn't being very scientific Accusing you of purposely holding him back without having any proof But if he looked for proof he'd come face-to-face with himself somewhere along the route Well a man who has proposed marriage has faced himself and several other people too proposed marriage Richard never proposed marriage. Oh Perhaps he sent it to you written up as some sort of equation Mass equals religious ceremony Religious ceremony divided by two equals marriage And if bride can make pie or three point one four one six so much the better Our engagement was just understood by both of you. Well kind of Well, he keeps talking about our plans for the future Well, he's never said he loves me Outright, but he's quite emphatic about the future. Is that fun? I mean Hate to have my hand held by a man who just wanted to read my palm No, it isn't much fun really not as much as it should be but sometimes Well as long as you're happy with it that way Well, I have to make allowances for the fact that Richard isn't very demonstrative. No No to demonstrate anything Richard seems to need a blackboard If I'm not too personal what allowances does a woman in love make for her fiance's inability to express his affection? Well actually Actually, I don't know Sometimes I think he's just shy Other times I think he's egotistic and other times Well, I don't know what I think What would you like him to be be the kind of man who walks in the park and talks to strangers I'd like him to waste time at least once in a while I'd like to hear him talk about about spring Yes, just about spring But perhaps he can't Are you spring isn't scientific? It's emotional. Oh, that's silly He could talk about it if he wanted to The talks have to start sometime But right now is fine You know, I don't think Richard has been very nice to me at all I mean I'm bugger by feeling that the scientific mr. Alden is about due for a rude jolt in his trigonometry He's going to have to make at least a temporary choice between Cupid and Pythagoras Or to put it bluntly if he is as bright as I think he'll swap his yuclid for a yoke Dr. Hall speaking I hardly feel the situation merits the gravity you bring to it I can't force Richard Alden to study certain subjects You mean alter the curriculum to suit one petulant student Oh, I feel we can work out some sort of compromise on this now see here. I'm not interested in compromise I want a solution enough silly Charlie. I mean beating about it. Did you say compromise? Yes, instead of destroying the university by altering the entire pattern of our educational process to conform to Richard Alden's needs Well, we will simply take the two or three professors who block our path and burn them That is if you if you really think this boy is more important than education itself Dr. Hall one more chance Mr. Wellman if I can possibly think of anything else, I'll call you immediately Meanwhile be of good cheer and say hello to the wife and children. Goodbye Take much of your time. Dr. Hall. I'm leaving school for another university. No, I'm through with all of them Well, there's a more for nice universities around right now. I just want to know why you turned Beth against me She argued with everything I said you mean she had some opinions of her own some Hundreds I've never heard so many opinions from one person and very unsound Well, she did seem like a very unreasonable girl. The kind would make outlandish demands She probably thought you should go on a world cruise and settle in Capri. Did she tell you that? Sometimes you can tell by just looking all she told me were a bunch of sophomoric ideas about Well, I mean about Personal relationships emotional attachments. No, I Always thought a woman wanted security and what's more secure than a husband who has a scientific training What could be more security to any woman husband himself? I should think Well, that's assuming you are a scientist Richard You could easily become nothing more than a batch of remembered axioms and mathematical problems Which an electronic machine can solve faster and better and which wouldn't flirt with a switchboard girl That's an awful thing for a college president to say Why I I'm simply trying to tell you that that science as an end in itself is not so amazing Nature has made the trapdoor spider a great engineer a Bee can construct perfect hexagons in wax with your your future associates will be people not insects I'm exactly what this college taught me to be oh, oh, pardon me You're you are only what you permitted this college to teach you what you let yourself be taught Now, I'm sure you've read Diderot's scientific encyclopedia every page of it in it the world of the 18th century saw new hope To bring it out of its trembling despotism It saw Diderot's scientific examination as long needed But there were men of dark little notions and limited minds who so viciously opposed Diderot's explanation of facts They came terribly close to destroying this masterwork But Diderot one didn't he he beat them all he did he did does you so quaintly put it beat them all But not until a non-scientific mind came to his rescue not until Voltaire Who was nothing but a writer and whose only province was people? Not until Voltaire wrote so strongly for the right of all men to examine truth as they wish not until then I Didn't know that You knew the text but you didn't know the people or more more what happened next nothing much Except that Voltaire made his point because he believed we were each other's enemy as long as we lived only for ourselves Don't know people Maybe I don't Study them study them. They may not be scientific, but they're good collateral reading Yeah, I guess I'd better shut up until I do and don't forget It's a wise man and a successful one who knows the precise psychological moment when to say nothing Oscar Wilde Victoria poets cost 293 a You know something. I've been a knucklehead That's an expression from upper-classman 51 bull session Thank you doctor, I appreciate the new slant you've given or you're quite welcome I'm sure and Richard while you're broadening your outlook and congratulating yourself on the Noblingdale award I'd suggest a rereading of Alice in Wonderland Alice in Wonderland. Yes by Louis Carroll Writer of magical nonsense who was also I think it is pertinent to remind you Charles Ludwig Dodgson a mathematician He did a great deal of summing up with figures of speech Yeah, I I Think I see what you mean Thank you, sir You needn't look so smug doctor. It wasn't just you After all it's June and he's young and he's got a girl I know my darling the satisfaction with you to take it on my face was not so much from any personal triumph as it was an agreeable appreciation of the fact that between you and me and Spring and Beth and mr. Wellman Yes, and even the ubiquitous Clarence between us all we have succeeded in keeping a budding scientist From becoming a blooming idiot When you think of beer Think of this Schlitz tastes so good to so many people. It's the largest selling beer in America America today faces two enemies Aggression abroad and inflation at home with a double job to do we need to step up our production faster than ever before Produce more goods every hour of every day of every week in peacetime our free American economic system has given us an unrivaled standard of living the defense program will call for Sacrifices, but the more we produce the fewer those sacrifices will be remember the better we produce the stronger we grow Here again our mr. Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everybody Wellman has played for Herbert Butterfield also in our cast for Jean Bates and Eddie Firestone Tonight's script was written by Arthur Ross and Don Quinn The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn directed by Nat Wolfe and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin We invite you to enjoy the Pulitzer Prize playhouse on television on Friday nights. Can carpenter speak? Here are the great gilder sleeve and his lovable family on NBC