 transcribed. King Arthur had his shining nights. Cleopatra had her day. But you, you lucky people, you, you've got Harris and RCA. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye show. The only enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show transcribed. Written by Ed James and Phil Shooken with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, John Hubbard, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen is music and yours truly Bill Foreman. Tonight's little epic is entitled The Courtship of Elliot Lewis or a drummer gets stuck with any old girl but a guitarist can take his pick. First however here's a word from RCA Victor. Did you see my little Margie, the Goldbergs or Groucho Marks on television last week? Well 80 million Americans were able to. Think of it, television enables every other American to enjoy top-flight shows like Dragnet, Foreign Intrigue and your show of shows. Every other American can have a box seat in his living room at a big-time sports events, title fights, college football, hockey and the children can share in the fun of wonderful shows like Howdy Doody and Roy Rogers. So if your family's missing all the wonders of television, buy a new RCA Victor receiver. Thanks to RCA Victor's remarkable, automatic tuning, one click of one knob brings in the station with virtually no fine adjustments. Thanks to RCA Victor's famous Magic Monitor circuit system, you get television's clearest, strongest pictures and yet big screen RCA Victor television is priced as low as $189.95. See your dealer tomorrow. Chances are he can make immediate delivery of your RCA Victor so you can start to enjoy television at once. And remember, a factory service contract for expert installation and maintenance is available to RCA Victor television owners in every principle TV area. Enquire about an RCA Victor factory service contract. Another reason why every year more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. Now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Bill Harris. Vacations like everything else must come to an end. Once again, it's breakfast time in the Harris household and we find the Harris's Alice and Phil in vastly different moves. Alice is grumbling over a red hot stove, but Phil is smiling and gay as he trips slightly down the stairs. A smile on his lips and a song in his boyish heart. Boyish. Pretend you're normal when you wait. So far my bands had no complaints. Just call for Harris if you're all alone and find you own some cocktails for two. Oh, lovey-dee-da. Hi Alice honey. Hi. Boy, that was some vacation we had, wasn't it? Vacation. I spent three months as a combination bellhop and bottle open up for you and that Elliot Lewis. Some vacation. Oh now wait a minute honey, it wasn't that bad. I remember one day we didn't see Elliot for almost a whole hour. Sure, but we had to hide in the cave. Just forget about Elliot honey, don't worry about him. Hey, what do you got for breakfast? Well, you have your choice between three-minute eggshells and some southern fried coffee grounds. Guys, that's something. Fried coffee grounds? That's all that's left Clyde. Elliot got here first. But where's the lovable locus now? In the food bowl. Diving for pears. Well, where's the paper honey? Elliot ate it. Now wait a minute Alice, that's silly. Oh, this is getting serious Phil. We've got to get rid of him. Look Alice, I can't throw Elliot out into the street like an old arrangement of tiger rag. He's my pal and nobody's gonna throw him off. Then you pay for the food he eats. You mean out of my allowance? Out of your allowance. That deadbeat's got to go. Why don't he dig up his own meal ticket like I did. Honey, that's it. Let's find a wife for Elliot. Oh, why funny? How crazy can you get? Who's gonna stand for a guy with baggy pants and a wrinkled shirt and a three-day growth of beard? Hey, you know, he'd make a good husband. Okay baby, I'll call him. No, no, no, you don't have to. I'll just light the stove. Hi Alice, what's cooking? Oh, I see what you mean. Oh hi, Curly. You got up, huh? No, but I ought to be up any minute now. Why don't you and Elliot have a nice talk while I fix some more breakfast. Yeah, honey, we'll do that. Come on, Elliot, sit down. We'll have a nice talk, okay? Okay. What about girls? That's a nice thing to talk about. Well, go ahead. You start. All right. Ain't that Alice a living doll? Don't she look pretty bendin' over that stove? Yeah. What a stove. Hey, Elliot, wouldn't you like to have somebody cook and breakfast for you every morning? I got somebody. You have? Sure. Alice. I mean somebody else, you dope. Will you try to do it, Curly? Get rid of Alice? Of course not. Now what's the pitch? Look, Elliot, I'm trying to tell you, living the kind of life you do is no good. It ain't? No, it's awful. You get up anytime you feel like it. You go to bed anytime you feel like it. If you want to go out with a babe, you go. You got no worries, no responsibilities, no... What's my, Curly? How'd you ever get into a mess like that? Just lucky, I guess. Where was I? What was I saying? I ought to get married. Oh, yeah, yeah. Look, just think of it, Elliot. A little house all your own, your own fireplace, your own television set with a built-in bar. And then you come home at night and there's somebody waiting for you. Arms outstretched, lips outstretched. What am I marrying? Are you bangy? Will you please shut up? I'm sorry. Go ahead. Okay. Now don't forget, Elliot, you and your wife won't always be two. One day they'll be the patter of little feet. No bodies, huh? That's right, no bodies, just feet. I'm trying to tell you, Elliot, you sit down every morning with the sun shining in the window and your wonderful family gathered all around you. There's a feeling of peace and contentment. Everything's quiet and calm. Hi, your mom, dad, hi, Uncle Elliot. Good morning, Angel. I'm Pat and calm. Alice is hopeless. Good morning, everyone. Oh, good morning, Willie. Well, if it isn't Mrs. Faye's revenge. Good morning, Elliot and Philip. Wonderful day, isn't it? I liked it until you came pussy-footin' then. Oh, well. Sneaks up and back of you like Indian underwear. Philip. Never mind, William. Here's your breakfast. No, breakfast today, Pat. Just sign these checks and I'll get along to the office. Why does she have to sign the checks before breakfast? Well, they're just a few for the gas and the phone and your allowance. Go ahead, honey. You better sign them checks. Give me a pen. Hey, Curly, you mean Alice signs the check for your allowance? Yeah. I don't mind except when Willie takes them off for income. Tax is a bad debt. That burns me up. Alice pays the bills and gives you an allowance, too, huh? The only reason we use Alice's money is to air out the vault. It keeps the big bills from mill doing. An allowance? William knows. Oh, that's fine, Alice. Thank you very much. You're welcome, Willie. A real live allowance. Goodbye, everyone. Bye, dear. Hey, wait a second, Elliott. Listen to this. I didn't hear nothing. That's what I mean. He goes out like that every time to think. Hey, you know, Curly, I've been thinking about what you said, you know, about peace and quiet and the rest of that stuff. I sure have been missing a lot, ain't I? See what I told you, Alice? I told you I'd sell him. Okay, Elliott, now all we got to do is to dig you up a while. What do you got in mind? Well, she ought to be a girl. I'm with you 100% proof. A girl. Any particular kind? I see a girl, Curly. You know what I mean? A real feminine type of girl with a checkbook. Well, this is ridiculous. Anybody? You can't just marry a checkbook. Why not, Curly did? I didn't either. And you quit saying stuff like that or say, help me, I'm going to slug you. Cut it out now, will you? What are you doing here so early anyway? You ain't supposed to deliver them groceries for another hour. Oh, I'm a boy. Curly, I'm way ahead. Julius, buddy, when you say your aunt is loaded, are you referring to her financial or liquid condition? A brewery and money? Bingo! All time in the room. Feet running through the mash barrel. Anuities over the rocks. Nothing, Julius. Faye, how would you and your aunt like to have dinner with us tonight, huh? Miss Faye, how'd you and significant meet the dinner? Bring the brewery. I mean, your aunt. I'll be sitting at the same table with lovely, adorable Miss Faye. Yeah, yeah. I'll be drinking soup to help precious lips puck and to cool off. Yeah, Julius. I'll be eating a souffle, she's souffle just for me. Hop, get down now. Take care of that. She'll be here for dinner, Elliot. Yeah, but what are we doing till dinner? That's easy. We'll play an RCA Victor record. You mean until tonight? Look, Elliot, when RCA Victor makes a 45 extended play record, they don't fool around. They really extend it. I'll show you. Bye, bye, babe, bye, bye. Sorry, we must fly. Bye, bye, bye, baby. Remember, you're my baby, when they give you the eye. And just to show that I care, I will write and declare that I'm on the loose, but I'll stay on the square. I'll be lonely. But even though I'm lonely, there'll be no other with my baby. Bye, bye, bye, bye, my little baby. Bye, bye, bye, bye, baby. Remember, you're my baby, when they go on the loose, you are still on the square. I'll be lonely. But send that rainbow to me. I get a chair and a whip. Elliot, she ain't gonna be that bad. She's Julius's aunt, eh? So what? Now, Elliot, will you please put down the whip? But, Curly, the chair will be enough. Okay, you say so. Besides, there's gonna be two of us and only one of her. How do you know? I'm guessing. I'll go ahead, open the door. Hey, Curly. Open the door, Elliot. Curly, my whole life is flashing before my eyes. Well, when you get to the part where your arm is long enough, open the door. But, Curly, move over, will you? I'll open the door myself. Okay, go ahead, Curly. I'm ready to meet my fate. Good evening, I'm yay! Hello, boys. I'm Julius's aunt. You can close the door now. I'm in. Close the door, Curly. She might get out. We're closing them doors. What's your friend doing with a chair? He says, oh, he always carries a chair around like that. Would you like to sit down, Julius's aunt? He can call me Claire. Beautiful name. Clara. I used to know her, Clara. Well, at least she was a cigar. Never wrap her like yours. Wait, where's Julius? Didn't he come? Oh, yes. He's, uh, parking the truck. Parking the truck, huh? Well, we'd better go out and see him, huh, Elliot? Well, I want to see that little creep boy. Will you stop? Okay, don't touch him, Claire. Look, honey, why don't you go into the living room and make yourself comfortable? And me and Elliot have got some business with Julius, huh? Come on, uh, lover. Okay, if you say so. Don't go too far, boys. I'll be waiting for you. We'll be back in a minute. I can't believe it. Money and a brewery? Clara's built better. Don't you realize now if we don't keep Julius out of here, he's liable to clear the whole deal. What we do, curling? Come on, right. I didn't think he'd fit in the mail. Goodness, let's get going. Where? Are you kidding? No. Where? Sitting in the living room. Now, come on, just let me do the talking. Just lay there. There. Um, how's every little thing? You have a charming place, Mr. Harris. Just... Place? You call this a place? This ain't nothing. You ought to see Elliot's die at the dump. I mean, where Elliot lives. Right, Elliot? Right. He's got a place that's really a place, Clara. Hot and cold running door knobs. Wall to wall floors. And on a clear day, Catalina can see him. Right? Right. Clara? Yes, Elliot. What's next? Wait a minute. Talk to you. Excuse us just a minute. Will you, Clara? Are you nuts? You want to queer everything? What? What do I do? You can't jump at these things. You got to lead up to them. Kind of gradual. That's just what I did. Well, go slower. Talk about something else first. Okay. Yes, Elliot. What do you think of the Brooklyn Dodgers? I think they're wonderful. What's next? Elliot! You know something Clara don't want to know how you got out? What? You've got us all wrong. We want to be your friends. He wants to be more than your friend, kid. He wants to be your uncle. He wants to be my uncle? He's in love, Julius. He worships the very hops your aunt walks on. But wouldn't you, Elliot? I would devote my entire allowance to making her happy. Oh, I see. Well, maybe I was wrong. There you are, Elliot. Julius is a good kid at heart. Man, make a deal. How about 50-50? 50-50? Julius. Do you mean to say you'd take 50% of your uncle, Elliot's allowance? Would you? You know when you get right down to it, Elliot, it ain't a bad deal. Well, okay, Curly, if you say so. Now, how's about a small retainer? Julius, we'll be relatives, you and I. Would you sully that kinship by this low display of avarice, this mean attempted extortion? I'll take your gold alks tooth in your fountain pen. Julius, how can you be so mean? I take shots. Give me the alks tooth, Elliot. But it was my mother. She don't need it. Let her gommer away. Here, you little crumb. Okay, Elliot, get going. Clara's waiting. Hey, I'm going to sweep her off her feet. I'll make that John Alden character look like a bum. Good luck. A living doll. What's so funny, Mr. Harris? Hey, Julius, you got to hand it to me. I put it over like a dream. Oh, Harris, you're a genius. A living genius. Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment. Lady, are you caught on the kitchen traffic jam when you serve a big meal? Are those between cold biscuits and a cold roast? Well, you know, the new RCA estate range solves your problem of getting everything at once. You can now serve everything. Meat, biscuits, vegetable sauces, coffee, steaming hot at their peak of savory perfection. And these new RCA estate ranges, grill, bake, barbecue, and cook on the top burners all at once. And they're designed to cook automatically to turn on even when you're out to turn off when dinner's ready. Of course, you know the name RCA in research and engineering. So you'd expect only a range as fine as this to bear the RCA name. And what marvelous features go with it. The barbecue or meat oven for charcoal done flavor. The hideaway griddle for top of range grilling. The big balanced heat bake oven. Dependable performance, easy operation. The new, the wonderful, the sensational RCA estate gas and electric ranges. At your dealers now. This is Phil again. It's sure nice being back with you folks again and oh, by the way, here's a little dope on our new time. From now on Friday is the H and H night on NBC with our show following that great guy, Bob Hope. So tell everybody you meet that from now on where there's hope, there's Harris on Friday nights. Honey, say good night. Good night, everybody. Stop patting your part. Good night, everybody. Included in this program, transcribe was Jacqueline Fontaine. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC radio network production. RCA Victor's new 45 extended play records give you more music for less money. Almost 15 minutes per record. They make the Victrola 45 phonograph a better buy than ever. It's the simplest automatic phonograph made. All play and no work. You can listen to nearly two hours of your favorite music without changing a record. Listen to the Victrola 45 phonograph with the economical new 45 EP records at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. 28 means magic on the fourth by NBC.